Frank Black Hates Me.

So in walks Frank Black, dressed in black. He looks kind of like an alienish Bobs Big Boy with his newly shaved head. I have an appointment with him, I must be cool. A lot of cool people think Frank Black is cool. Bono thinks he's cool (and he would know). Kurt Cobain thought he was cool enough to copy and I think Michael Stipe was once even heard proclaiming "THE PIXIES ARE RAD." Frank Black is just known for being cool. So I was prepared, I dressed up in some of my coolest clothes and put my hair in a bun. A bun for Frank. This would be the day I would just be cool and have a cool conversation with Mr. Cool. This would be fun.

Nope, Didn't turn out that way. About three minutes into the conversation and after failing miserably at get to know you chit chat it became apparent, Frank wasn't having fun.

ME: Frank your head looks great. Did you shave it today?"


FRANK: Yes.

He looked at me with that unmistakable look that clearly said "Oh great, another "HEAD" guy"
So I start thinking , Does Frank Black hate me? Do I smell like fish? When I shook his hand did I poke him in the tummy or wiener or something? Or is it that some people just automatically hate some people and I'm that guy to this guy. He certainly does seem annoyed.
No that cant be. I'm just being ridiculous. Maybe he just didn't sleep so well.


ME: How long you been out on tour?


FRANK: Eight years


ME: You've been sleeping a lot in one of those little cubical bus bunks traveling at high speeds, I know that irregular sleep can lead to irregular dreams, had any?


FRANK: I don't have many dreams and when I do they tend to be nightmares or really tedious affairs so that's a bad place to start your article.

Why is he wearing an "I smell fart look"? I used new Cool Mint Listerine before I came.

ME: Do you hate being interviewed Frank?


FRANK: No.


ME: Do you like it?


FRANK: Depends.


ME: On who the clown is doing it?


FRANK: Yeah.


Oh great I knew I shouldn't have worn this red , white and blue get up. I do look like a clown. I should have worn black duh....duh ....duh.

ME: Where you from


FRANK: Los Angeles


ME: Born and raised?


FRANK: Born in Boston moved to Los Angeles.


ME: But L.A. Is home?


FRANK: It's where I live.

Expression changes from "I smell fart" 'to "No shit" and then he gives the first of a long series of reeaallly frightening snort noises ...... the really wiggly guacamole mating call kind.

ME: You wrote a song called Kicked In The Taco. Tell me about that.


FRANK: You ever been kicked in the taco?


ME: If this is an offer, I'll pass. Do men have tacos?


FRANK: Taco is taco.


ME: You wrote a song about Salt Lake once also. What in the world made you do that?


FRANK: Salt Lake of course.


ME: How much time have you spent here?


FRANK: Longest I've been here was maybe a week.

I can tell he's still thinking of kicking me in the taco. He refuses to expound on any of his answers... Me and my big ideas, asking about dreams and tacos..... Then .. piercing through the silence like a dying toad, another singing oyster is evicted from the back of Frank's throat . ...ssnnoooooorrrrt.... he wont be needing dinner tonight.

ME: Tell me about a high point in your musical life.


FRANK: Jethro Tull


ME: You like the flute then.


FRANK: It is a central part of his thing.


ME: How bout a low point?


FRANK: Getting shocked is bad.


ME: How long have you played guitar?


FRANK: Since I was twelve.


ME: Did you dream of being a rock star?


FRANK: Yeah I guess.


ME: About what age did it seem like it might happen?


FRANK: I didn't keep a journal.


ME: Did you ever play air guitar?


FRANK: I do every night.


ME: Who did you want to be like?


FRANK: Larry Norman.


ME: Who is that?


FRANK: A guy in California.


ME: Uh... Can you tell me about him?


FRANK: He plays guitar.


ME: Where might we get some Larry Norman?


FRANK: Write to Larry Norman.


ME: Tell me about Johnny Polonsky.


FRANK: What about him.


ME: Well I know that you kind of discovered him and now he's on tour with you. Are you friends?


FRANK: Umm.. snorrrt acquaintances.


ME: How about Rick Rubin, Is it cool working with him?


FRANK: I've never really worked with him , he owns my label.


ME: From reading your promo material you'd think you were all buddies.


FRANK: Hmmm..

Ok OK already any hamhead can tell by now that Frank Black hates my ever livin' guts and he is obviously itching to get his Post-Pixie ass out of there. I know that for three years Frank Black refused to do interviews, perhaps with good reason. We pretend to chat a little while longer or that is, I ask every question in my little brain and he either replies "Thats private" or "that's not a good question " he even told me at one point that "my questions were really narrow" OK So maybe I should have inquired of how Larry Norman made him feel and maybe I should have asked him to expound on the spiritual nature of TACO and maybe I was dressed a little too much like Herb Tarlick BUT NOT EVERYONE CAN BE AS CLEVER, CHARMING AND HANDSOME AS TOM FUCKING SNYDER!!

ME: Last question, Ever have any troubles with fans?


FRANK: Many.


ME: Like?


FRANK: Just fans being assholes, coming in my dressing room getting in my way, you know.


ME: What do you do?


FRANK: Tell 'em to fuck off and then I throw them out.


ME: Aw Frank, its just because they love you, you know you are a legend in the eyes of many.


FRANK: Ah yeah ........ and I let'em down. It's their loss, not mine. snnnnoooooorrrrrrttt I already got their money.

HA HA HA It's not only me he hates. He hates you too.