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August 04, 2001

I Killed a Sprint Customer Service Rep

Normally right now I would be enjoying my great life, instead I write an interesting story to you, a Sprint media representative about how violent ideas can creep into the minds of even the most docile, cute and huggable human beings.

Today I fantasized about strangling and mutilating a few customer care reps of your satanic company, of course I would never do such a thing, but the fantasy that I could track them down and kick them in the face for as long as it took to make them feel as violated as I felt after waiting on hold for over an hour and a half was simply unavoidable for such an active mind as mine.

Do you ever feel that way? Have you ever done business with someone and had them treat your time so carelessly and been so rude. stupid, incompetent and thoughtless that you actually fantasized about their murder and destruction? Oh the blood, oh the ripping out of toungues that I imagined today while on hold.

Here's what happened:

1. Your satanic company hoped that I might like the "wireless web" when I signed up about a year ago so apparently they just let me have it for free for a while (the free crack rock on the playground method). I tried it once while standing with the nieces and nephews in the hot sun at Disneyland. I thought it was crap. A good idea but the execution was crap. The screen was too small, navigation was too thumby. Basically, it sucked ass. I never thought about it again until today.

2. When the free trial was over, your horrible company obviously assumed that I would like to pay for a service which I never used, never ordered and in fact thought was crap, so they began charging me ten bucks a month for it. While this is an interesting sales approach, it is hardly cool. But I'll admit--- I like to conjure up good ideas for scamming retirement home dwellers out of their savings and candy bars. But you see, my pesky morals and sense of fairness keep me writing about punching old women instead of doing it like your brave company. I'm not an old woman -- but if I was --- Your ruthlessness is admirable.

3. As a condition of me accepting sprints offer for unmatched coverage pitch, a sales rep from your terrible company assured me that my rates would change as the prices dropped. So there was no need for me to make sprint my homepage, Sprint would take care of me. I was relieved as I am not all that interested in the day to day of the pcs industry. Today I found out that he was tricking me --- or maybe it was you or one of the assholes with their bios on the Sprint bios web page. At any rate, there are many better plans since mine and not a change, not a word --- oh yeah except for the magical appearance of the wireless web deal. So he was part right---the company is looking out for me, they know I "need" that web crap. But I'm not an old lady so I deserve the con, I understand. The Bad guy in this story says stuff like that right before I blow his nutts off with a bag of thumbtacks and firecrackers.

4. Today I woke up late, tried to make a call on my Sprint phone only to hear a recording telling me I was over my "limit"----I thought "geek, better call and find out why."

5. So I called. I was placed on hold. Hold lasted 38 minutes. At 10 minutes I wanted to hang up but I kept thinking one more minute---one more minute. There is a phenomenon of which I'm almost certain your abominable company is aware, it's that on hold-point-of-no-return phenomenon. There is no count down, just mystery ---- glorious, aggravating mystery. The recorded woman was selling away --- but all I could hear in my increasingly reddening ears was her saying something like "ha ha ha you stupid asshole please hold -- asshole litent to this gay ass music asshole...etc.. your call is very inporant to us asshole, we are laughing at you -- you gullible asshole, We got your nuts in a vice and we are stealing your time and we'll sell it to some other sap for 30 cents a minute... etc..." of course she didn't actually say that , but actions speak louder than words. Sprint stole my fucking time. Oh yeah, at 38 minutes the call just dropped---and I wasn't even traveling---I was still in bed. --- Ow my nuts hurt-- bad.

6. Like a masochist, I called back--- -------- this time? An excruciating 45 minute hold. How did I spend this time? Opening up past bills to really delve into the interesting details of my phone habits---this is when I discovered the trouble with wireless web mentioned earlier. This also where I discovered the fascinating website. Which by the way showed me that I was in fact being charged for wireless web services but it also informed me that I was not able to use these services as I had not requested them. You guys are sooooo fucking cool if you can actually get away with this shit.

7. A robotic sounding customer service lady finally talked --- a human at last ---- bitchy and cold ---- but human nonetheless --- I think -- actually, I take that back, humans don't act like that.

Anyway, I asked about the promise of rate changes made by the original Sprint sales asshole, and she told me that he didn't tell me that. What? Was she there? And if she was, can she remember what he said? This woman has an amazing memory.

"what was his name?" I asked.

"I don't know sir" she said.

"can we find out?"


"do you keep records?"


"so how do you know what he told me? Are you psychic?"

"No sir"

"Can I talk to somebody with who knows how to say yes?"

"Nobody is going to give you back your money sir" she said.

"How about a supervisor?" I asked.

"Please hold"

Fifteen minutes more hold time---thank goodness this time there was silence, plenty of time for me to breath deeply and attempt to abandon my fantasy of bloody, grusome, violent murder.

"Good afternoon sir my name is Dave how are you?" the man asked.

"I'm a bit grumpy" I grumble.

"Sorry to hear that, how can I help you?"

"First off, I want this beautiful morning back but I understand you can't do that so how about crediting me an hour and a half talk time so I can call my therapist in New York to talk me down off this ledge onto which your beastly company has shoved me?"

"That will never happen sir --but, we don't charge you to make the call."

"Lucky me" I say " I'll bet there are lots of folks who would pay big bucks to sit all morning on hold with the Sprint recorded voice bitch --- she's ssooooo funny and has so many gooood deals for me ------ wait, ----- you're telling me that all this has been free?"

"What else can I help you with sir?" he asks.

"Un charge me for the wireless web I never ordered, never used and still CAN'T use because according to your website, I never ordered it." I said.

"Do you check your bill sir?" he asked.

"Hardly ever and even then I just look for totals----I trust too much" I say.

" You have fifteen days to dispute the bill sir --- after that you're out of luck." he says.

"But I never...."

"Mr. Merkley"

"I never even ordered......"

"Mr. Merkley"

"But I never even..."

"Mr. Merkley"

"How can you charge me for a service that I never even..."

"Mr. Merkley, only fifteen days Mr. Merkley"

This guy had seriously mastered the don't let'em speak technique.

It went on. I got mad. He continued being thoughtless arrogant and rude while punctuating his rigid, immovable insensitivity with the phrase "Is there anything else I can help you with?"

Else? Did you say else? Don't you have to help uncharge me and give me back some minutes or something helpful before you can *help* me with anything else? -- Can I talk to somebody in more of a customer relations type capacity please?" I ask. "There is nobody but me Mr. Merkley, I'm it, I'm the one you need to talk to. Nobody will do anything for you Mr. Merkley --- read your agreement. Thank you for calling Sprint ------ click."

He hung up on me, ------------ granted, he may not want to cuddle a man who he just fucked up the ass but hey, I'm bearing the ass pain and some financial burden here. Holy fuckin christ. ---

Anyway, this is where I started really fantasizing about bloody murder and death --- my fantasies went bananas --- just think, I do a little research, find out where the call went, what office --- what call station --- I do a little Southwest Airlines (whose customer care is great by the way), I do some casual stalking to find out who the employees are,... some drinks at a local bar -- I tell some story how I'd love to pull a practical joke on my cousin Dave the supervisor over at the Sprint call center --- but I need the company directory ---- it ain't hard --- eventually I find Dave, tell him he won a vacation or something or that I'm doin a piece for Atlantic monthly on mid level managerial stress --- we do dinner and drinks -- I slip him a roofie --- now I gotta give my drunken passed out cousin Dave a ride home. He ends up with me at a sleazy hotel just outside of town. I tie him up and when he wakes up ---- I get all
Sprint-customer-service on his ass.

"My name is Merkley how are you today sir?"

"Mumble mumble" His mouth is crammed full of my phone bills containing the
overcharges. Oh yeah, his nostrils and ears too. "Did you say give me my freedom back---please don't kill me?"

"Mumble mumble"

"No --- you said take my nuts out of this vice didn't you."


"Well, did you read the notes I sent to you about how I was going to come and stab you with a rusty spoon and put your nuts in a vice and make you cry? My records show that I sent them to you."

"Mumble mumble"

"You had fifteen days to dispute."

"Mumble mumble....."

"Mr. dickwad"

"Mumble mumble....."

"Mr. Dave Dickwad"

"mumble mumble nipples mumble....."

"Mr Dave Dickwad, I can't unclamp your nipples from those bare wires attached to thatextension cord --- nobody can, but is there anything else I can help you with Mr. Dave Dickwad?"

"Mumble mumble....." He mumbles although louderish and muffledish screamish this time.

"There is nobody but me Mr. Dave Dickwad, I'm it, I'm the one you need to talk to. Nobody will do anything for you Mr. Dave Dickwad---thank you for calling Merkley's rolling torture-time ------ click." as I fire a gun pointed in his eyeball with no bullets just to scare him.

He pees------what a baby.

No, he ain't gittin off that easy. Instead I stab him repeatedly with my dull rusty spoon. I do it in slow motion though cause I love the movies, it takes a lot of strength to stab somebody in the neck in slow motion with a dull rusty spoon especially after it gets all slippery with blood. I am proud of my accomplishment.

"Mumble moan mumble gurgle mumble gurgle"

"Did you just ask ------ why ------- Mr Dave Dickwad?"

"Mumble mumble"

"It doesn't matter ------- why -------, the only thing that matters is that you aren't being charged for this house call."

"Mumble gurgle --- nnn nutts"

"Can't do that either Dickwad is there anything else I can help you with?"

"Gurgle moan"

"Can't do that either Dickwad is there anything else I can help you with?"

"Mumble wheez"

"Can't do that either Dickwad is there anything else I can help you with? huh? huh? hmmmmn? ----- Mr. Dickwad, Mr. Dave Dickwad. Are you there Mr. Dickwad?

Did he stop breathing? Damn, he got my phone-bills all slobbery and bloody --- yup. Damn. He's dead --- and too soon ----- I'll slow down next time. And see there? I didn't leave him before he was finished mumbling what he had to mumble, I stayed with him to the very end, to his very last gurgling, bloody burp. I would make a GOOD customer care rep.

That's kinda how the murder fantasy went.

That's all -- now fuck off.

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