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November 23, 2002

Pure Ugliness, Popcorn and the KKK

One morning I walked into my cold 3rd grade classroom, sat down in my little orange plastic seat and began minding my own 3rd grade business --- when just like that --- all that is right and good and holy and sacred just ceased. It all went to shit --- absolute hell. My somewhat peaceful childhood ended with the beginning of the lesson that day. The teacher, the significantly uncomely Ms. DeYoung had planned an awful lesson specifically designed to really piss me off. Boy was she ever asking for it.

"Class, today the boys are going to do a math assignment but the girls are going to have a party at the back of the room." She cackled.

She really was an extremely revolting, repugnant woman and these unjust words made her even worse. Was she joking? She never once told a joke the whole miserable year so ....probably not.

She passed out the assignments to all the feebleminded boys. I waited patiently for the punchline. The asshole girls all made their way back to the back of the room where, waiting for them, were balloons, streamers and a brand new hot air popcorn popper (I had only heard of these until that moment). They all sat indian style on the floor and began squeaking and squealing about what they didn't like about boys. Bitches. They were bitches --- fucking slave havin' bitches.

"Why don't we like boys?" asked the unsightly Ms. DeYoung.

"Boys are stupid and stinky" they all smugly cheeped. "hee hee hee heee giggle giggle".

I wanted to butcher them all. My little messy red head was the reddest it had ever been. I was fully fumin', ragin', boilin' mad ----- but *that* --- was nothing, oh no. I was so fixated on what those rotten mousy girls were doing that I hadn't even noticed that the dumbshit boys --- * my crew * were actually dooooing the god damned fucking math assignment. What were they, ------ idiots? Stupid fucking mindless, obedient, submissive, dunderheaded, dimwits? My anger shifted, I was now much more furious with my co-victims, my co-boys, my co-prisoners, my co-slaves than the elitist girls or Mrs. Slavemaster Bitchbasket Uglymug DeYoung.

"What. Are. You. Doing? ---- STOP IT!!." I whispered as loud as I could to them all. "She can't make us do this. My head was beginning to pulse. --- Haven't you jerks ever heard of --- like --- slavery? Yeah well duh, I happen to know it's against the law and ---- against the Bible too."

"But we don't want to get in trouble" Whimpered little wussy Duane I-forget-his-last-name.

Two things really pissed me off about his pansy assed bullcrap --- no ---three.

First; These were the words of a true wuss.

Second; Why was *he* pretending to speak for all the other boys? Who elected him queen of the ninnies?

Third;--- and I swear on my dogs early grave that this is all true, this was the same doughheaded Duane that I saw in the boys bathroom just days earlier coming out of a malodorous toilet stall with his pants down, wiener tucked between his legs and exclaiming in minnie mouses voice:

"Look at me...I'm a girl."

He did it for laughs. I didn't laugh then and I was ready to punch him in his stupid pudgy pasty face right now.

It was that moment that I realized that I'd never ever on purpose subscribe to the majority way because those little wienertuckers didn't even take a BREAK from the math shit.

So I made the only move that justice and redress would allow. I crumpled and wadded up my math assignment, stood up, turned to the rear of the room, aimed carefully and hurled that little paper ball of freedom straight for Ms. Homely DeYoung's raisin-like wrinkled up head. ( It didn't even come close but it beaned one of her finest soldiergirls pretty good in the cheek ) Then, while grabbing as many streamers and balloons my flailing arms could entangle, I indignantly and hatefully marched straight into their --- their ---- little ----- bitch egg circle thing, I knocked the clear yellow plastic top off of the popcorn blower (again beaning a girl), I grabbed the entire bowl of un-buttered popcorn, planted my little freckled butt right down dead center in the middle of that miniature "N.O.W." pow wow where I sat as the angriest, most immovable little popcorn munching eight year old fireball of defiance and contempt they would ever see.

"Fuck all you bitches. Who got's the popcorn now?? --- huh ---- huh?" is what I would have said if had only known those words.

So? What happened next? Honestly, I can't really remember. There is a reasonable possibility that I actually passed out from adrenaline overdose but I think I'd remember the nurses office. I figure it probably freaked out the teacher and she let me calm down on my own..... I do remember her trying to tie the whole thing into some lame ass morals lesson on slavery. -- Geez, talk about sensationalism, huh?

Personally, I like to think that Ms. DeYoung's general ugliness just turned her into a man hating lesbian and she really did hate the boys. Slavery lesson... yeah, right --- dyke.

And that story is number three on my list of most violent moments.-- Stay tuned for encounter with skinhead and -- can you believe the bitch stole my Coke machine?

Oh yeah --- the moral of the story -- I can't forget that: ----- Girls are the Klan --- Boys are Negroes.

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