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April 22, 2003

Tim Robbins Has Poop in His Pants

So I bumped into Tim Robbins at a really awesome hippee circle jerk in San Francisco. He looked sad.

ME: Tim, what's wrong?

TIM: I pooped my pants.

ME: What? Why? Are you sick? When did you poop your pants?

TIM: Last week and No, I'm not sick. I did it to prove a point.

ME: Last week? You've had the same poop in your pants for seven days? What point were you trying to make?

TIM: I wanted to prove that I can't say just anything and get attention.

ME: What?

TIM: Well, because everybody is saying that I'm stupid and that I only get attention cuz I'm famous.

ME: So you pooped your pants? Why didn't you just say something like "I like pooping my pants"? Did you actually have to actually poo in your actual pants to prove your point?

TIM: Well Dennis Miller was saying that I was talking out of my butt, I guess I was caught up in the imagery --- I'm a very visual person you know. I was frustrated.

ME: So did anybody pay attention as you -- you know? Is that what all of these cameras and microphones are about?

TIM: Well yeah, turns out they actually don't care what I say, they just care that I'm famous. But I have smart stuff to say. Watch this: America is like Nazi Germany and free speech is gone and stuff. -- Yeah, hey can you guys stop filming my butt? I have a face you know. Sheesh.

ME: Why do you say that? How is America like Nazi Germany?

TIM: Cause, like, Bush is like Hitler.

ME: How so?

TIM: They both totally give me the exact same kind of creeps. This whole Iraq thing is totally like in those Germany movies about the big war and Jews and stuff don't you think?

ME: How so?

TIM: It's all bad and there are mean frowning people that keep sayin "shut-up turtleface" wherever I go.

ME: OK, that sucks that you look like a turtle, but did anybody put you in jail or gas you or hit you or torture you or poke you with sharp stuff? Because that's what Nazi's did.

TIM: Nazi's actually did that stuff? I thought that movies were just pretend.

ME: Most movies are pretend. The Nazi's really did all that stuff from the movies.

[ten second pause]

TIM: Aaaawwwww, ooooooooohh ---- yooooou------ you almost had me there, you silly kidder. I almost believed you. Nobody really kills and tortures people, anyone knows that stuff's all made up. You should be an actor. But let's get back to what I was saying about how people are getting all Nazi on me --- listen to this; The Baseball President guy, -- said Me and Susan can't come to his party ---- when ---- a week ago -------- he said we could. ---- yeah ----- Can you believe that bull?

ME: Do you think that it might be because you have a stinky, week old, half dried you-know-what in your pants?

TIM: uuhhhmmm Maybe, but I have a God given RIGHT to poop my pants if I want to. This isn't Germany you know.

ME: Do you invite poopy pants people to your parties?

TIM: Well, kinda, maybe. Susan doesn't believe in proper anal hygene cuz how it interferes with the rights of poop molecules to have a "poop state" in her butt crack (she calls her butt crack Poolestine) --- she says toilet paper is like Sharon's and Bush's Military and the poop smear is like Palestine and Iraq and that in order for peace to exist, she has to resist wiping them off the face of her butt crack because that is just the kind of evil crud Bush would do. --- you know ---- she wants to set an example.

ME: How do the Palestinians feel about being compared to uh - poo smears?

TIM: How should I know? I don't talk to Extras. Extras aren't really actors, they are just lucky to get to work in the movies for a day. Most of them are Mexicans. They feel good I guess.

ME: No. Tim, Palestinians aren't just Extras on a movie set. They are REAL people.

TIM: Really funny, you already tried that one on me ----- duh.

ME: But seriously, dude to dude, How do you like sleeping with a woman who doesn't, you know, have proper bathroom hygene? Do you have sex with her?

TIM: No. No sex. She dried up about six years ago when she filled her hoo ha with sand.

ME: Why did she do that?

TIM: The whole "Poolestine" metaphor. I personally think, but I would never dare tell her, that she didn't need to turn her vagina into a tiny "West Bank", but she's a stickler for detail, she's very visual, that's why we like each other. We're both veerrrry visual. Annd.....she's a little ---- you know..

ME: Insane?



TIM: Yeah.

[long pause]

Oh yeah, she also said that sex is like an invasion of her "middle east" ---she's against invasions.

ME: Geez, that sucks dude, why don't you just tell her your wee wee is an ostrich who needs to stick his head in the sand or something?

TIM: I don't get it. I don't want sand in my pee hole.

ME: What about anal?

TIM: What? and fuck Israel? hmmmmn. Hey, never tried that one. I think she'd like that.

ME: Oh yeah. Anyway, do you understand now that it's OK to un-invite a person with poop in their pants to a party and that it is nothing even vaguely similar to what happened in Nazi Germany?

TIM: Yeah, I guess.

ME: Good, now come'ere you and give me a hug.

[long hug]

What are you doing? Are you peeing your pants?

TIM: Maybe.

ME: I can tell that you are peeing your pants. Your pants are khaki, you can totally tell. What the hell is wrong with you?

TIM: Well, did you notice that during that long pause the camera people started pointing their cameras at that attention starved guy from modesto who killed his smiley little pregnant wife and his headline hogging unborn brat?

ME: Yeah.

TIM: Welllll ------- now do you see how they are all pointed at me again? I'm famous for a reason schoolboy. I'm not as dumb as you think.

He has a point there.

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