Michael Jackson Is Cocoony Loony ...Schaa-mone
So I bumped into Michael Jackson in that net thingy filled with colored balls at Kiddieland at Mcdonalds. He was in bad shape.
ME: Michael are you okay? What happened?
MJ: Ma Ma. Tee heeee heeeee.
ME: Huh? Is that baby talk? What's up? What's with all the bandages and casts and stuff?
MJ: Da Da. --- HOOO!!
ME: Do you always do those hooting things? Are you wearing a diaper?
MJ: Ma Ma. Da Da. Woooo hooo hooo.
ME: What is this? What's going on here? Why are your arms and legs in tiny casts? You look terrible. Somebody call 911.
MJ: [whispering] Schaa-mone please, no doctors. Call tinkerbell, here's my magic talk box.
ME: That's a cell phone.
MJ: Don't be silly. It's not alive. It doesn't have cells. It's made out of magic elephant tusks. It was blessed by a Pygmy. [whispers, points at phone] I think he lives in there.
ME: It's not made from tusks. It's plastic.
MJ: Press 6 and say "Peter Pan to Tinky Bink."
[I speed dial 6, it rings once and a machine picks up.]
VOICE ON PHONE: Welcome to the Disneyland event hotline. Press one for upcoming shows. press 2...
MJ: Did the special princess answer? Is she doing that number game? It's sooo fun.
ME: It's a machine.
MJ: Silly, machines don't talk. Press 6! Press 6! Hurry! Hurry!
[Again I press 6]
VOICE ON PHONE: You have reached the Small World Picnic Pavillion.....
MJ: Is she talking about picnics yet?
MJ: Ooh. Let me hear, let me hear.
[I hold the phone to Michael's ear.]
MJ: Heeee heeeee heeeee HOOOO!! I looooove picnics. Ooooh and what if the picnic basket was filled with magic forever berries and it could fly? ---- Oh my. Teeeee heeeeee heeee. Schaa-mone. Here, press 6, press 6 hurry, hurry!
ME: Maybe we should do that later Michael.
MJ: I'm not Michael. I'm Peter Pan.
ME: OK, well, we'll play the happy number game on the magic talk box later ok?
MJ: When when when?
ME: In fifteen minutes
ME: When the big hand gets on the 10.
MJ: Oh goody. I can't wait.
ME: So what's the deal with the casts and the diaper and stuff? Did you have plastic surgery again?
MJ: You are soo silly. You watch too much of the magic story box. I never ever had "plastic" surgery, sheesh, first the magic talk box is "plastic" and now you speak of a "plastic" doctor. I don't even know what "plastic" is -- and these aren't casts. Do you see hundreds of tiny people on my arms or something?
ME: No. Not casts like the cast of "Cats", I mean like, you know, if you break your arm or something.
MJ: Ooh I loved Cats -- meeeeoww. But oh no, Heaven forbid. I would never dream of breaking my own arms or any of my other toys. I love my toys. Do you think I'm crazy or something? These aren't casts, they're "cocoons".
MJ: Yeeeesssss, cocoons. Mr. SnipSnip The Magic Scissor Wizzard is almost done with my cocoon. The time draws near. The time draws near. Abracadabra with jelly and sparkles, the time draws oh so near. Tee heeee heee. Schaa-mone.
[A sudden burst of wind blows Michaels outfit and hair upwards]
ME: What time draws near?
MJ: The time for me to be a baby again.
ME: You're turning into a baby? Don't you have kids?
MJ: You mean Ma Ma and Da Da? Yes, I love them soooo so much.
ME: You call your kids Ma Ma and Da Da?
MJ: What? Did you think I was talking to myself back there? I'm not crazy. I just love my chillldren. I love all chillldren. They are magic. I never want to look down on chillldren. I want to look up to chillldren. they are so much smarter and beautiful than mean old grown-ups.
ME: OK you're freaking me out. Why the fuck are your arms and legs so tiny?
MJ: Excuse me, Peter can't hear angry words.
ME: Why the flip are your arms and legs so fetchin' tiny?
MJ: Babies can't have longy legs and longy arms silly.
ME: OK now I'm really getting creeped out. Did you have your arms and legs shortened or something? Did you mutilate your limbs? please tell me you didn't.
MJ: Don't you worry for one little minute. My arms and legs are just fine. Why would I shorten perfectly good arms and legs? You do think I'm crazy don't you.
ME: Whew, you scared me, you just kinda have a reputation for weird stuff like that.
MJ: My longy limbs are perfectly safe swimming in the enchanted, syrup filled vases in Mr. SnipSnip The Magic Scissor Wizzard's castle. These are just my shorty limbs. We just switched'em. That's all.
ME: OK, I think I'm gonna barf. Where did you get the shorty limbs?
MJ: From my magic babyman doll, you know, I used to play with it all the time, but for years it's just been lying in a pile in the Silly Fun room.
ME: No. I don't remember any "magic babyman doll".
MJ: Don't be silly, yes you do. Webster.
ME: You mean Emmanuel Lewis? For the love of all that is sacred please tell me you didn't cut up Emmanuel Lewis for parts.
MJ: Of course not. Mr. SnipSnip The Magic Scissor Wizzard did. I'm not crazy. I know I'm not a wizzard. I'm Peter Pan.
ME: How could you do this? Give me your magic talk box, I'm calling the police.
MJ: Why? I didn't steal it. The magic babyman doll and all four shorty limbs are mine fair and square.
ME: How so?
MJ: I bought it. It came in the same box as the Elephant Man bones . I have a receipt.
ME: You can't BUY human beings.
MJ: Oh yeah? I wish you'd tell that to Paul McCartney, I barely beat him at the money contest. That bad Beatle wanted the Webster doll really bad really bad really bad. He made the money numbers go up like by a million dollies. He doesn't want me to have anything.
ME: Anyway, this is fully disgusting and I am absolutely opposed to all of it, but don't you think that the "shorty limbs" look totally disproportionate to your abnormally long torso?
MJ: The Wizzard says: "Waiting is how flowers grow". This is just for the summer until Mr. SnipSnip The Magic Scissor Wizzard gets his Switchy-head™ toy he ordered from Planet Orbulon.
ME: And then you'll use Webster's torso too? Is he still alive?
MJ: It still makes funny sounds and wiggles when I tickle it. Webster is happity happity happity. It's gonna be a funny baby tall doll now. But don't be so silly, no more shorty stuff, shorty limbs aren't like a baby. Teenie Weenie limbs are like a real baby. That's why next we do switchy game with the newest toy.
ME: Let me guess. You bought Mini Me?
MJ: Are you magic too? How did you know? Can you see my brain?
ME: No, but I can smell the gift basket in your shorts. Jeeeesus.
MJ: Oopsie poopsie, Peter Pan made a Peter poo poo in his diapey wipey. Where are my chillldren? MA MA!!! DA DA!! Teeee heeee heeeeeee. Schaa-mone. HOOOOOO!!