Janeane Garofalo is an Actual Ham
So I Bumped into Janeane Garofalo in the lobby at a "Publicly Self-Humiliated" support group in San Francisco. I was there because I predicted that Iraq would send America a huge bouquet of flowers and like funny balloon animals with little touching messages inside'em. Janeane had a handful of pills and she looked really really really really pissed.
ME: Janeane, what's wrong?
JG: Shut up
ME: Oh now now, what happened?
JG: I said shut the fuck up asshole.
ME: Actually you just said "shut up"... no "the fuck" and no "asshole" the first time you said it.
JG: How would you like me to strangle you with your own penis?
ME: What, now? Right here? I just met you.
JG: Can it dickhead. You're not funny. I don't have time for this crap.
ME: OK, I can see you're upset. You know, those veins in your neck and forehead, you gotta be careful. That shit could pop and bleed all over. Nobody touches bloody people anymore you know.
JG: Look. I got troubles. I got big huge troubles, like big big gigantic, monstrosities of troubles.
ME: I got it. What's wrong?
JG: Nobody is ever gonna listen to anything I say anymore without laughing their ass off.
ME: And? ----- That's not good? Aren't you like a clown or something?
JG: I'm a comedian butthole.
ME: Still, isn't that the point? laughing?
JG: Listen idiot, Yes, laughing is good, but not this kind of laughing.
ME: You're laughing? It looks more like angry sobbing mixed with embarassment and shame or something.
JG: No, not me fuckhead. I'm not laughing. I'm talking about how people will laugh at me every time I open my mouth from now on.
ME: Still, I'm lost. Isn't that what you want?
JG: My job is to make fun of other people and make people laugh at the expense of others. Not at me. Not at my expense.
ME: Well why can't you still do that? If my brother was here he would have laughed when you called me "fuckhead". It could have easily been a laugh at my expense. My actual feelings could have really truly been hurt. You can still hurt peoples feelings. You'll be fine.
ME: Yeah, but honestly, My brother is kind of a dick. He'd also probably laugh at your squatty little toad like shape too. Oh yeah and all that crap you were saying about the end of the world and how Osama and all the thousands of Osama clones were eventually gonna kick our ass, and like how the US was "doomed" if we went to war with that tiny poor country. That was some funny shit you were saying. Oh yeah, and that totally funny one about how the Iraqi people didn't want to be liberated from that guy who tortured and gassed them. That's a classic. I totally can't believe that people didn't get that you were joking and stuff. What a bunch of dumbasses. My brother thought you were serious. He's dumb.
JG: I was serious.
ME: Ha ha ha ha, you kill me how you keep a straight face when you say that shit. I'd totally believe you if it wasn't so god damned ridiculous. You're really good. You're funny.
JG: SHUT UP!!! You are the stupidest man I have ever met in my entire life!!! You should kill yourself.
[four second pause]
I don't get it. What's the punchline?
JG: There is no punchline you moronic piece of shit.
ME: Ha ha ha ha ha. Religious poop -- now that's funny.
JG: Not Mormon you idiot. Moron. I'm not talking to you anymore.
ME: Look, I don't know what you're so worried about, you are one funny lesbian. People like lesbians, especially clown lesbians. You know, like Rosie O'Donnel and Richard Simmons. You're just like them.
JG: You don't understand. I HAVE LOST MY CREDIBILITY completely and forever. I said in front of the whole world on television that I would apologize to George W. Bush on broken glass and on my knees if I was wrong about the war and I was waaayy waaayy wrong and now everybody wants me to keep my promise and apologize. I can't do it. I won't.
ME: Aahh come'ere you. Don't cry. Give me a hug, come on, a nice long hug.
[long hug ]
Nobody ever needs to apologize for being funny.
JG: I WASN'T BEING FUNNY!!
ME: There, there, don't be so hard on yourself. Of course you were funny. I laughed. I especially loved that one about the "quagmire". Only you could compare war in Iraq with a mire of quagging ducks. Hilarious.
JG: Are you really that stupid?
ME: If you want me to be, well then of course I am honey, whatever makes you happy. Hey, listen to me, forget about all that credibility stuff. You don't need credibility to make people laugh. All you need is you. All you need is what's deep inside of you. Just keep doing what you do best and don't you worry for one little second about what anybody thinks. You are good at what you do. The best.
ME: Yes really, except for Gallagher, He is THE best.
JG: You don't think I'm a total joke?
ME: No silly, you tell jokes. You can't actually be a joke. Otherwise, I could erase you with this little eraser on this little pencil. That won't work ----- watch.
JG: Stop it. I'm not ticklish and you're poking me too hard.
ME: Looky here, you are a clown, a ham, it is your job to say the stupidest stuff imaginable and you are good at that, the best probably. You are simply the best at buffoonery, ridiculousness, idiocy, clownsmanship and you name it, if it makes people laugh and point, you got it. You were born with it. Geez you even look funny. You look just like a clown or a ham or a ham dressed up like a clown. Geez you really do look like an actual ham. Wow, that's kinda freaky. You seriously look like an actual yummy, HAM. I mean look at those big funny feet and that ham shaped body you have. Now all you need to do is learn how to make balloon animals and you'd be perfect. Hey wait a minute, balloon animals, we're missing our meeting. Now stop crying and give me the pills.--------------------------- all of them.
JG: I hate you.
ME: Ha ha ha .... see? Funny. Oops, you got a snot hangin.