SideBar Free In 2003!

January 24, 2004

No Stink Links


really cool music produced by yours truly -- I also did all the photography and conceptual stuff on the site. The genius however belongs to my best friend/little brother Bing --- I call him Quinn ---. He is truly a world class musical talent to be reckoned with. You will not disagree, of this I am most certain.

Well looky there -- merkley???, my best friend in the whole universe, has a record company -- figures -- he seems like a record label dick.

This is the wonderful record label I partner with my pal Quinn -- you know -- Bing Ji Ling, you just read about him. Certainly, we will succeed. P.Diddy can suck my balls --- his mohawk is so dyke -- what a carpet muncher. He *is* a chick you know --- wait --- I like chicks --- especially negro dyke chicks --- nevermind -- P.Diddy is HOTT --- "SHE" can suck my balls -- that's what I meant to say. -- Anyway -- good fucking music on our label. If you don't like it -- it just means you're a colossal idiot.

A somewhat unpopular, obscure and sadly, unsuccessful band who happen to be some of my oldest friends. I hope one day they will be able to do something
with their talent. They really depend on traffic from my site so please, help them out. Oh yeah, I created all the tour shenanigan pieces on their"Rock Steady Live" DVD all by myself --- so there. Speaking of No Doubt:

Seriously -- we're friends. Nobody believes me, but it's true. Any of the really good stories I have about Gwen she'd kill me if I told them to you.

Some of my best friends who also happen to be really hot chicks. They will put robot boogie blues into your butt. -- hmmmn I wonder who took those pictures.

One time, When I toured the world with No Doubt, we were all on a ferry going to Ireland. It was 6 A.M. and we were all deliriously tired having slept a measley 3 hours on the tour bus. Stephen Bradley, ND's longtime trumpet player/backing vocalist, was doing impersonations of Irish people -- Among such characters as "Darky O'Flaherty" and "Midnight O'Conner", one such character emerged as "Chocolate O'Brian". I told him: "That's what you should name your band with Dave Tweedy -- it's perfect." Apparently he agreed -- so I get partial credit -- I'll take it.. Check out the music. I like it.

I met Spanky in Provo Utah in 1989, when he offered my ska band 200 bucks to play at a show he was promoting. We played. Then for years afterwards, he would hit on all my girlfriends and any girl I liked.Occasionally he would end up dating them -- truthfully, I didn't like him much. I thought he should get his own girlfriends. In 1995 I had an extra room for rent in my house -- for some reason, I let him move in. I didn't drink then so he and Tyler became best drinking buddies (or fag lovers perhaps)and I was secretly jealous (not of the faggotry -- just the laughing and drinking) -- I was also secretly mad that they didn't possess enough peer pressure power to get me to join in. Well, It's been over 15 years and I drink now so now we can be good pals. Now I hit on all of his girlfriends or girls he likes. He still owes me that 200 bucks from 1989.

Tyler is one of my best former roommates from my Utah days. Still a good friend and a terrific photographer, His client list is rather impressive. One time
he was playing with my dog Chico out in the yard --- in an attempt to wrestle Chico, Tyler claims that his finger went directly up Chico's butt. He claims that it was a complete accident. I'm not so sure. Tyler tells this story a lot -- I think it was one of his defining moments. I've seen chocolate on his trigger finger on more than one occasion. Especially when he hangs out with Spanky.

Jazz inspired artwork by an old old old friend -- like old -- holy crap. Even though my politics have changed drastically over the years, we have always seemed to stay right in step --- we always seem to agree. Funny how that works, changing simultaneously with little contact.

spooky pictures of naked hippie girls laid out all over the ground and floating in ponds and what not. Teresa, I think, might be a witch --- a good witch of course --- sexy too.

This guy was my roommate when I gave college a try -- I quit after two weeks, but we stayed roommates. --- I met him when I was a missionary for the Mormon church in Brazil. Before that we were actually rival artists from rival high schools. Then we ended up sitting next to each other at the only 9 to 5 job I ever had. We were paid artists. --- He is still a faithful mormon --- too bad.

Looking back, I think this girl might be "the one who got away". Had she not married such a terrific fella and good friend -- well who knows, we may have been divorced and in a long custody battle by now. Her artwork is filled with good solid subtle humor that I find very pleasing indeed. She escaped Mormonism.

I got married for two weeks once when I was 21 -- when the "wife" stole all my stuff and bailed to San Diego, Katrina and I drove in her truck to attempt to steal it back. Cars were stolen for ransom, cops were called, it's the closest my life ever came to Jerry Springer. Katrina is still Mormon too --- crap.

Jon Armstrong is a former housemate and he was the keyboard player in our old band "Swim Herschel Swim". My life changed forever in 1988 at the moment he won a Macintosh Classic from a drawing at the local bank -- I spent way too much time in his bedromm on his computer making flyers for our band. Jon is an artist of many talents but I think his biggest talent is being who he is --- Nobody represents art and uniqueness more than Jon -- He is his greatest work. -- oh yeah -- he escaped Mormonism too. What's really fun is reading his wifes blog, it's one of the most popular on the internet -- it's called -- very entertaining -- all she talks about is poo and boobs.

One of the first fellas I met here in SF --- he is a foreigner. He makes beats out of mexican music and modems and then flavors it with swiss pickle sauce. He also made one of my favorite art pieces of all time. He painted the four composers busts (mozart beethoven etc..) as the members of Kiss. He will Give it to me or I will steal it.

Greg Galinsky a.k.a. P-nut, is also one of my first SF pals. he is quite the go-getter. Between his art, clothing designs and ambitions as a curator, The man cannot stop taking about money for even ten minutes -- he's obsessed. I suspect he will be rich very soon.

Gonzo is a real stand-up fella. We collaborated on the design of and he executed the flash programing with amazing skill. Maybe soon he will show his artistic creations on his website. A nice dude for sure. You must watch out though, he has no problem hitting on your women -- he hits on every single one of my lady friends. I like him better when he has a girlfriend.

You wanna see hot chicks in cool clothes --- yeah, well guess what, I know all those chicks, and Emily, the one who makes all that stuff and owns the company thinks I'm cool.

Handbags and naked chicks anyone? -- Hottie Lisandra makes bags that are so cool and sexy that without one well, maybe you're not as cool and sexy as you thought.

that's right -- not only are we friends but, how many straight dudes do you know who get to hang out in the dressing room with --- geeez -- how many hot, scantily clad chicks? -- yeah -- step off -- I got pictures to prove it ------ suckers.

Warren Fitzgerald, famed guitarist for the world renowned Vandals gives you a peek into his brain. You will come away feeling quite normal. Warren has been known to paint with his penis.

Kelly ain't very big. Her mom is a humming bird and her dad is a cat. She only paints girls or really faggy looking dudes. I only draw men or women who look like really faggy looking dudes. our artistic offspring would look like Tina Yothers from "Family ties" or Nicholas from "Eight is Enough" (who grew up to be Mary Lou Retton).

Eddy Joe Cotton wrote a really fucking great book that everybody says proves his genius -- I havent read it but I really want too. This guy is the ring leader of my good friends The Yard Dogs Road Show -- they share the site.

This is the band of my good friend Gabrial McNair -- I toured the world with this fine man and I can tell you that he is a good honest person who enjoys a good laugh. I have only smoked the wacky four or five times in my life -- three were terrible paranoid episodes, the other two were with Gabe and they were quite plesant indeed, lots of singing. I like to pretend that he takes fashion cues from me -- but of course I'm delusional. I wear brown corduroy suit -- he buys brown corduroy suit. What can I say? I really am very very influential. He would deny it.

Jud is a skilled sculptor who claims we met many times but I never remember him. The other night Jud decided that I deserved a victory hug so he grabbed me by the waist to hoist me up over his head. His legs slipped out from underneath him and I fell head first into the sidewalk and sprained both of my hands. Now I am rather certain I will always remember Jud Bergeron, but I guess that depends on how many more times he drops me on my head. Why I oughtta.....

Zenaida is a weird chick friend of mine who makes paintings of hot skinny chicks. It seems to me that she may have learned to draw on an Etch-a Sketch.

a new buddy of mine who just moved here from canada to paint monsters and warty things for metallica and gearhead magazine. In true life he is really not very dirty at all. His hygiene is really rather impressive.


I rescued my little dog "Butterface" from this joint -- but hey, really, just go look at the cute dogs. I'll wait. If you don't adopt one of these -- they will throw them in the gas chamber and it will be YOUR fault. You make me sick.

This site is the reason I am glad I learned to read. RETARDS ARE BETTER THAN HUMANS!!, they're right up there with dogs if you ask me. but if you click, make sure to find the archives. The authour you are looking for is Riti Sped.

brilliant essays from a truly gifted and intelligent patriot. Any smart president would employ this man as a speech writer,, fuck you -- you probably voted for Nader, you don't even deserve to read this guys wonderful stuff --- go sit in the gulag -- you fucking commie.


This mexican teenager is a comedic genius. He is my hero. Why won't he update this shit more often? -- fucking mexicans -- he's probably too busy making nachos and picking lettuce for me --- "THE MAN".

This dude complains as magnificently as any complainer in history. I almost always agree with him. His crude computer illustrations are masterful works of art if you ask me. He makes me proud of my Utah heritage. One day -- we will collaborate and you will die -- your guts will fall out of your butt while you laugh. --- wait -- FUCK MADDOX -- he's way too funny -- don't visit his site. Especially don't read the classic "I'm Better Than Your Kid", it's not funny -- I swear. --- I'm so conflicted -- so complex --- do you like me now?


words -- so useful, especially when you know what they mean.

Take the spin off the news --- these guys are really cool -- the epitome of "fair and balanced". These guys have the most finely tuned bullshit detectors available, so if yours is on the fritz -- these dudes are happy to help.

look me up -- user name --- merkley --- you can see how popular I am and all the good shit my friends think about me.

better than friendster -- just not as popular.

Just in case you were one of the poor souls suckered by Michael Moores lies and deceptions -- this site uses my research and the research of many other credible heavy-hitters to get you back on the path of fairness and reason. --- maybe it's time to take the old bullshit detector in for a tune-up.


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January 04, 2004

The Dumb Test

Ever feel dumb? We all do now and then, but just how dumb are you? It's really easy to measure how smart you are, but finding out how dumb you are is what really matters. So after years of painstaking research, I have come up with this straight forward yet very accurate and quite scientific test to determine your overall dumbness. After all, if you don't know how dumb you are, you can never really begin to become truly smart. Remember this test only works if you answer all the questions as accurately and honestly as possible. If you cheat, nobody loses but you.

Good luck.

Dynamically generated hyper exegetical data based on variables n'shit.

Note: Data subject to moon phases and headaches.

Anonymous Hannah is a gaywad.

I dont get this test! It's confusing!


Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

Michael Wayne Lee...


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