Hitler Loves: Ikea
Hitler Hates: Bush
So I bumped into Hitler at the Ikea on exit 666 just outside of Paris. He was looking at a cute little bunk bed set up. He looked pissed.
ME: Hitler, what's wrong?
HITLER: These friggin things only come in antique satin. Fuckin' Scandanavian Jews. I want gloss dammit.
[Hitler's face turns purple and flames and a gassy smoke cloud floats out of his butt]
ME: What the... How'd you do that?
HITLER: Are you Jew?
HITLER: Cause if you are you should sniff that fart.
HITLER: Are you Jew?
HITLER: Then don't breathe it. It's pure nerve gas.
HITLER: It happens when something gets on my nerves. I hate wasting perfectly good gas. It just makes me more pissed.
[Hitler attempts to scoop the gas cloud into a lovely winter gray Ikea decanter]
HITLER: Watch this
[Hitler reaches into his pants and pulls out a dead poodle.]
ME: Geez, what the heck?
HITLER: Don't be fooled. This ain't no poodle, it's a Jewdle.
ME: What are you talking about? How do you know?
HITLER: Trust me, I know a Jew when I see one.
ME: Why do you keep it in your pants?
HITLER: It's soft.
[Again Hitlers face turns purple and flames and a nerve gas smoke cloud floats out of his butt]
HITLER: Shit. Here, try to scoop that up.
HITLER: Fine, Gas wasting Jew lover.
ME: What got on your nerves that time.
ME: Bush? What did he do? Is he a Jew?
HITLER: No you idiot, why did you hear something?
HITLER: Then why did you say that?
ME: Cuz, you said you're mad at Bush and flames and gassy smoke came out of your butt and you hate Jews and stuff.
HITLER: Why is he Jew?
ME: No. I don't know, just tell me why you're pissed at him.
[Another flamey nerve gassy cloud fart]
HITLER: That little Jew lover is stealing my spotlight. "Bush is Hitler, Bush is Hitler", that's all anybody says anymore. That little gay-bob Bush even grew my mustache. Do you know how that makes me feel?
HITLER: You betcha.
ME: Actually Bush didn't grow your mustache, protesters just drew it on.
ME: I don't know, they're an artistic bunch. Most of them don't have jobs. Too much free time maybe? Have you seen all their Halloween costumes and stuff? I saw one dressed like a robot. It's pretty trippy.
HITLER: Are they protesting Halloween?
ME: No. They are protesting all sorts of bad stuff, oh yeah, and they want pot to be legal too.
HITLER: Why, those little shits. You know what I did with protesters?
ME: Let me guess, killed'em?
HITLER: How did you know?
ME: Wild guess.
HITLER: Liar, you read about me. I'm famous you know. Do you know what I had to do to become the real Hitler?
ME: Well yeah, you like killed 6 million jews and stuff, everybody knows that. I think the word is Infamous.
HITLER: Yeah well you'd think everybody would know or at least be aware of my accomplishments, but that fuckin' Tony Robbins and that fat clown Jamie Garofalo and all those trick or treaters don't seem to realize it. They are all dissing me.
[purpleface flames, smoky nerve gas fart cloud]
They keep comparing me to that pip-squeak ninny Bush. What'd that little fag do? Liberate a bunch of towel-head, camel-jockey, sand-niggers? From who? That fag Saddam Hussein? Oooooh neat -- simple. Sure, Saddam had potential, Actually we have been emailing about death gas and stuff and he did say some pretty funny shit about gassing the turds, but ultimately, what a total wuss. Dude, when he gets here, I'm gonna razz the shit out of that dickhead. Oh and that huuuuuge mustache, who does he think he is, Stalin? I crap on Stalin, big deal, so he killed 61 million, I'm so impressed. I could have done that in my sleep if.....
[purpleface, flames, nerve gassy fart cloud....]
HITLER: Wait, What was I talking about?
ME: Robbins and Garofalo.
HITLER: Those little twits should have their penises chopped off for besmirching my great name.
ME: It's actually Tim Robbins and Janeane Garofalo. She's a girl.
HITLER: Oh yeah, Tony Robbins is that good looking motivational speaker. His tapes are great. If I only had them back in the day, man oh man. Can you say "Jew-free in 43"? Garofalo should try to dress prettier, you can't even tell she's a girl.
ME: I agree.
[Hitler reaches into his pants and pulls out a piece of paper.]
HITLER: Look, here's my resume. You read it and see if there is anything on there that is even one teeny little bit like that pussy Bush.
ME: Gross, there's like dead poodle stuff all over this thing. Why do you have your resume with you?
HITLER: I was thinking about applying for a job here. I heard employees get like 30% off or something and I gotta get a bunch of stuff for the new pad. Did I already tell you that me and Saddam are gonna be roomies?
Now quit being such a girl and read my resume.
ME: Well, let's see here, it says;
Went to art school.
Went to architecture school.
Gained full control of all media.
Burned all illegal books.
HITLER: yada yada yada... skip all that first part. Get to where it says "Jews".
ME: Ok here we go, Jews:
Went from village to village.
Destroyed thousands of Jewish businesses.
Destroyed thousands of Jewish buildings.
Killed thousands of Jews in the streets.
Extracted millions of Jews from their homes.
Marched millions of Jews into the woods.
Forced millions of Jews to dig giant holes.
Lined millions of Jews up along the edge of holes.
Shot millions of Jews in the back of the head.
Buried millions of jews dead and alive in mass Jew dug graves.
HITLER: Do you think you can read it with more triumphant jubilance or something?
[4 second pause]
Stop looking so disgusted you little Jew lovin' baby, keep reading.
ME: Where was I? Oh here:
Rounded up millions of Jews in Nazi occupied Europe.
Forced millions of Jews into ghettoes near railroads.
Starved millions of Jews.
Put millions of Jews on Death Trains™.
HITLER: Do you think I should use Death Trains™ or Murder Wagons™? I trademarked'em both.
ME: Death Trains™ is fine...
Transported millions of Jews to concentration camps.
Gassed millions of Jews in gas chambers.
[Hitler blushes and tears well up in his eyes.]
HITLER: That was one of my favorites. Good times.
[long disgusted pause]
What? Stop looking at me like that. Keep reading or I'll fart in your face.
ME: And then it just goes on and on.... killed more and more and more and more and more and more and more Jews and anybody who disagreed with you until the total was WOW almost 12 million dead!!!
HITLER: Do you think I should take out the "WOW" and the exclamation points?
HITLER: That's what I thought, I mean the numbers speak for themselves right? See why I'm so pissed?
[purpleface, flame. nerve gas fart cloud]
IKEA MANAGER: [in french] Sir, we're gonna have to ask you to refrain from shooting flames and nerve gas out of your butt. Customers are choking.
HITLER: Are any of them Jews? He did it.
[points at me.]
ME: Everybody knows you did it, you have a total burn hole around your butt hole.
HITLER: OK I'll stop. What did that fairy faced, pansy ass Bush ever do to even merit being mentioned in the same breath as the great Kevin Hitler?
HITLER: Yeah, I had to change my name, telemarketers were all up my ass .
ME: Yeah, I hate telemarketers too.
HITLER: Yeah well don't hate'em too much, That's how I make my dough.
ME: You're a telemarketer?
HITLER: Pays the bills. I actually really enjoy it. I'm hookin' Saddam up when he gets here. He's stoked.
ME: Anyway, I was gonna say that I think people who compare you and Bush just mean that you went to war and he went to war or something. What else could they mean? How much can you really listen to a dude in a Halloween costume anyway right?
HITLER: Good point. Well anyway, it's completely gay. You know if you're gonna be copycat fine. I'm all for killing and stuff but he could at least kill like a couple million black people or something....
ME: I don't think he is into like killing people too much.
HITLER: I knew it. What a total pussy. Hey, what do you think about this mauve tea tray?
ME: Pretty homo if you ask me.
HITLER: I'm gonna get it. Hey, and between you and me, thanks for listening to me rant about Bush. I knew I couldn't be the only one who thought the comparison was an offensive piece of propaganda designed to make me look like a total fag.
ME: Yeah well listening was fine and all but, I'd actually rather take this lovely polka dotted shower curtain and suffocate you until you're eyes pop out of your ugly Nazi head and when you're within an inch of your evil little miserable life, I would stomp your head until it was like a bag full of stinky german sausage upon which I would defacate and leave you half smothered in turds with a squashed head and right before you died I would rip off your penis and force you to call it Cindy and say "thank you" as I shoved it in your mouth you fucking useless piece of shit. Then I'd turn you into a lamp shade. But, alas, I promised a pacifist buddy, (don't ask why I have pacifist friends) I'd give it a go for a week. So in the name of pacifism, your evil life is spared. What are you doing next week?
HITLER: Cute, I've done better, You should have said something about my popped out eyeballs watching from the floor or something. Oh look, tea lights, $3.95 a bag. That's insane.
ME: Hey wait a minute, down here at the bottom of your resume it says that you committed suicide.
HITLER: That's just another way of saying "moved to france".