SideBar Free In 2003!

April 26, 2004

Hitler Loves: Ikea
Hitler Hates: Bush

So I bumped into Hitler at the Ikea on exit 666 just outside of Paris. He was looking at a cute little bunk bed set up. He looked pissed.

ME: Hitler, what's wrong?

HITLER: These friggin things only come in antique satin. Fuckin' Scandanavian Jews. I want gloss dammit.

[Hitler's face turns purple and flames and a gassy smoke cloud floats out of his butt]

ME: What the... How'd you do that?

HITLER: Are you Jew?

ME: Why?

HITLER: Cause if you are you should sniff that fart.

ME: Why?

HITLER: Are you Jew?

ME: No.

HITLER: Then don't breathe it. It's pure nerve gas.

ME: How?

HITLER: It happens when something gets on my nerves. I hate wasting perfectly good gas. It just makes me more pissed.

[Hitler attempts to scoop the gas cloud into a lovely winter gray Ikea decanter]

ME: Wow.

HITLER: Watch this

[Hitler reaches into his pants and pulls out a dead poodle.]

ME: Geez, what the heck?

HITLER: Don't be fooled. This ain't no poodle, it's a Jewdle.

ME: What are you talking about? How do you know?

HITLER: Trust me, I know a Jew when I see one.

ME: Why do you keep it in your pants?

HITLER: It's soft.

[Again Hitlers face turns purple and flames and a nerve gas smoke cloud floats out of his butt]

HITLER: Shit. Here, try to scoop that up.

ME: No.

HITLER: Fine, Gas wasting Jew lover.

ME: What got on your nerves that time.


ME: Bush? What did he do? Is he a Jew?

HITLER: No you idiot, why did you hear something?

ME: No.

HITLER: Then why did you say that?

ME: Cuz, you said you're mad at Bush and flames and gassy smoke came out of your butt and you hate Jews and stuff.

HITLER: Why is he Jew?

ME: No. I don't know, just tell me why you're pissed at him.

[Another flamey nerve gassy cloud fart]

HITLER: That little Jew lover is stealing my spotlight. "Bush is Hitler, Bush is Hitler", that's all anybody says anymore. That little gay-bob Bush even grew my mustache. Do you know how that makes me feel?

ME: Mad?

HITLER: You betcha.

ME: Actually Bush didn't grow your mustache, protesters just drew it on.


ME: I don't know, they're an artistic bunch. Most of them don't have jobs. Too much free time maybe? Have you seen all their Halloween costumes and stuff? I saw one dressed like a robot. It's pretty trippy.

HITLER: Are they protesting Halloween?

ME: No. They are protesting all sorts of bad stuff, oh yeah, and they want pot to be legal too.

HITLER: Why, those little shits. You know what I did with protesters?

ME: Let me guess, killed'em?

HITLER: How did you know?

ME: Wild guess.

HITLER: Liar, you read about me. I'm famous you know. Do you know what I had to do to become the real Hitler?

ME: Well yeah, you like killed 6 million jews and stuff, everybody knows that. I think the word is Infamous.

HITLER: Yeah well you'd think everybody would know or at least be aware of my accomplishments, but that fuckin' Tony Robbins and that fat clown Jamie Garofalo and all those trick or treaters don't seem to realize it. They are all dissing me.

[purpleface flames, smoky nerve gas fart cloud]

They keep comparing me to that pip-squeak ninny Bush. What'd that little fag do? Liberate a bunch of towel-head, camel-jockey, sand-niggers? From who? That fag Saddam Hussein? Oooooh neat -- simple. Sure, Saddam had potential, Actually we have been emailing about death gas and stuff and he did say some pretty funny shit about gassing the turds, but ultimately, what a total wuss. Dude, when he gets here, I'm gonna razz the shit out of that dickhead. Oh and that huuuuuge mustache, who does he think he is, Stalin? I crap on Stalin, big deal, so he killed 61 million, I'm so impressed. I could have done that in my sleep if.....

[purpleface, flames, nerve gassy fart cloud....]

HITLER: Wait, What was I talking about?

ME: Robbins and Garofalo.

HITLER: Those little twits should have their penises chopped off for besmirching my great name.

ME: It's actually Tim Robbins and Janeane Garofalo. She's a girl.

HITLER: Oh yeah, Tony Robbins is that good looking motivational speaker. His tapes are great. If I only had them back in the day, man oh man. Can you say "Jew-free in 43"? Garofalo should try to dress prettier, you can't even tell she's a girl.

ME: I agree.

[Hitler reaches into his pants and pulls out a piece of paper.]

HITLER: Look, here's my resume. You read it and see if there is anything on there that is even one teeny little bit like that pussy Bush.

ME: Gross, there's like dead poodle stuff all over this thing. Why do you have your resume with you?

HITLER: I was thinking about applying for a job here. I heard employees get like 30% off or something and I gotta get a bunch of stuff for the new pad. Did I already tell you that me and Saddam are gonna be roomies?

Now quit being such a girl and read my resume.

ME: Well, let's see here, it says;
Went to art school.
Went to architecture school.
Gained full control of all media.
Imposed censorship.
Burned all illegal books.
Invaded Poland.

HITLER: yada yada yada... skip all that first part. Get to where it says "Jews".

ME: Ok here we go, Jews:
Went from village to village.
Destroyed thousands of Jewish businesses.
Destroyed thousands of Jewish buildings.
Killed thousands of Jews in the streets.
Extracted millions of Jews from their homes.
Marched millions of Jews into the woods.
Forced millions of Jews to dig giant holes.
Lined millions of Jews up along the edge of holes.
Shot millions of Jews in the back of the head.
Buried millions of jews dead and alive in mass Jew dug graves.

HITLER: Do you think you can read it with more triumphant jubilance or something?

[4 second pause]

Stop looking so disgusted you little Jew lovin' baby, keep reading.

ME: Where was I? Oh here:
Rounded up millions of Jews in Nazi occupied Europe.
Forced millions of Jews into ghettoes near railroads.
Starved millions of Jews.
Put millions of Jews on Death Trains™.

HITLER: Do you think I should use Death Trains™ or Murder Wagons™? I trademarked'em both.

ME: Death Trains™ is fine...
Transported millions of Jews to concentration camps.
Gassed millions of Jews in gas chambers.

[Hitler blushes and tears well up in his eyes.]

HITLER: That was one of my favorites. Good times.

[long disgusted pause]

What? Stop looking at me like that. Keep reading or I'll fart in your face.

ME: And then it just goes on and on.... killed more and more and more and more and more and more and more Jews and anybody who disagreed with you until the total was WOW almost 12 million dead!!!

HITLER: Do you think I should take out the "WOW" and the exclamation points?

ME: Yes.

HITLER: That's what I thought, I mean the numbers speak for themselves right? See why I'm so pissed?

[purpleface, flame. nerve gas fart cloud]

IKEA MANAGER: [in french] Sir, we're gonna have to ask you to refrain from shooting flames and nerve gas out of your butt. Customers are choking.

HITLER: Are any of them Jews? He did it.

[points at me.]

ME: Everybody knows you did it, you have a total burn hole around your butt hole.

HITLER: OK I'll stop. What did that fairy faced, pansy ass Bush ever do to even merit being mentioned in the same breath as the great Kevin Hitler?

ME: Kevin?

HITLER: Yeah, I had to change my name, telemarketers were all up my ass .

ME: Yeah, I hate telemarketers too.

HITLER: Yeah well don't hate'em too much, That's how I make my dough.

ME: You're a telemarketer?

HITLER: Pays the bills. I actually really enjoy it. I'm hookin' Saddam up when he gets here. He's stoked.

ME: Anyway, I was gonna say that I think people who compare you and Bush just mean that you went to war and he went to war or something. What else could they mean? How much can you really listen to a dude in a Halloween costume anyway right?

HITLER: Good point. Well anyway, it's completely gay. You know if you're gonna be copycat fine. I'm all for killing and stuff but he could at least kill like a couple million black people or something....

ME: I don't think he is into like killing people too much.

HITLER: I knew it. What a total pussy. Hey, what do you think about this mauve tea tray?

ME: Pretty homo if you ask me.

HITLER: I'm gonna get it. Hey, and between you and me, thanks for listening to me rant about Bush. I knew I couldn't be the only one who thought the comparison was an offensive piece of propaganda designed to make me look like a total fag.

ME: Yeah well listening was fine and all but, I'd actually rather take this lovely polka dotted shower curtain and suffocate you until you're eyes pop out of your ugly Nazi head and when you're within an inch of your evil little miserable life, I would stomp your head until it was like a bag full of stinky german sausage upon which I would defacate and leave you half smothered in turds with a squashed head and right before you died I would rip off your penis and force you to call it Cindy and say "thank you" as I shoved it in your mouth you fucking useless piece of shit. Then I'd turn you into a lamp shade. But, alas, I promised a pacifist buddy, (don't ask why I have pacifist friends) I'd give it a go for a week. So in the name of pacifism, your evil life is spared. What are you doing next week?

HITLER: Cute, I've done better, You should have said something about my popped out eyeballs watching from the floor or something. Oh look, tea lights, $3.95 a bag. That's insane.

ME: Hey wait a minute, down here at the bottom of your resume it says that you committed suicide.

HITLER: That's just another way of saying "moved to france".

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

Hitler = Hilarious


Blogger amanwithanenormouspeniswhojustwantstobeloved is a gaywad.



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April 23, 2004

Janeane Garofalo is an Actual Ham

So I Bumped into Janeane Garofalo in the lobby at a "Publicly Self-Humiliated" support group in San Francisco. I was there because I predicted that Iraq would send America a huge bouquet of flowers and like funny balloon animals with little touching messages inside'em. Janeane had a handful of pills and she looked really really really really pissed.

ME: Janeane, what's wrong?

JG: Shut up

ME: Oh now now, what happened?

JG: I said shut the fuck up asshole.

ME: Actually you just said "shut up"... no "the fuck" and no "asshole" the first time you said it.

JG: How would you like me to strangle you with your own penis?

ME: What, now? Right here? I just met you.

JG: Can it dickhead. You're not funny. I don't have time for this crap.

ME: OK, I can see you're upset. You know, those veins in your neck and forehead, you gotta be careful. That shit could pop and bleed all over. Nobody touches bloody people anymore you know.

JG: Look. I got troubles. I got big huge troubles, like big big gigantic, monstrosities of troubles.

ME: I got it. What's wrong?

JG: Nobody is ever gonna listen to anything I say anymore without laughing their ass off.

ME: And? ----- That's not good? Aren't you like a clown or something?

JG: I'm a comedian butthole.

ME: Still, isn't that the point? laughing?

JG: Listen idiot, Yes, laughing is good, but not this kind of laughing.

ME: You're laughing? It looks more like angry sobbing mixed with embarassment and shame or something.

JG: No, not me fuckhead. I'm not laughing. I'm talking about how people will laugh at me every time I open my mouth from now on.

ME: Still, I'm lost. Isn't that what you want?

JG: My job is to make fun of other people and make people laugh at the expense of others. Not at me. Not at my expense.

ME: Well why can't you still do that? If my brother was here he would have laughed when you called me "fuckhead". It could have easily been a laugh at my expense. My actual feelings could have really truly been hurt. You can still hurt peoples feelings. You'll be fine.

JG: Really?

ME: Yeah, but honestly, My brother is kind of a dick. He'd also probably laugh at your squatty little toad like shape too. Oh yeah and all that crap you were saying about the end of the world and how Osama and all the thousands of Osama clones were eventually gonna kick our ass, and like how the US was "doomed" if we went to war with that tiny poor country. That was some funny shit you were saying. Oh yeah, and that totally funny one about how the Iraqi people didn't want to be liberated from that guy who tortured and gassed them. That's a classic. I totally can't believe that people didn't get that you were joking and stuff. What a bunch of dumbasses. My brother thought you were serious. He's dumb.

JG: I was serious.

ME: Ha ha ha ha, you kill me how you keep a straight face when you say that shit. I'd totally believe you if it wasn't so god damned ridiculous. You're really good. You're funny.

JG: SHUT UP!!! You are the stupidest man I have ever met in my entire life!!! You should kill yourself.

ME: .....And?

[four second pause]

I don't get it. What's the punchline?

JG: There is no punchline you moronic piece of shit.

ME: Ha ha ha ha ha. Religious poop -- now that's funny.

JG: Not Mormon you idiot. Moron. I'm not talking to you anymore.

ME: Look, I don't know what you're so worried about, you are one funny lesbian. People like lesbians, especially clown lesbians. You know, like Rosie O'Donnel and Richard Simmons. You're just like them.

JG: You don't understand. I HAVE LOST MY CREDIBILITY completely and forever. I said in front of the whole world on television that I would apologize to George W. Bush on broken glass and on my knees if I was wrong about the war and I was waaayy waaayy wrong and now everybody wants me to keep my promise and apologize. I can't do it. I won't.

ME: Aahh come'ere you. Don't cry. Give me a hug, come on, a nice long hug.

[long hug ]

Nobody ever needs to apologize for being funny.


ME: There, there, don't be so hard on yourself. Of course you were funny. I laughed. I especially loved that one about the "quagmire". Only you could compare war in Iraq with a mire of quagging ducks. Hilarious.

JG: Are you really that stupid?

ME: If you want me to be, well then of course I am honey, whatever makes you happy. Hey, listen to me, forget about all that credibility stuff. You don't need credibility to make people laugh. All you need is you. All you need is what's deep inside of you. Just keep doing what you do best and don't you worry for one little second about what anybody thinks. You are good at what you do. The best.

JG: Really?

ME: Yes really, except for Gallagher, He is THE best.

JG: You don't think I'm a total joke?

ME: No silly, you tell jokes. You can't actually be a joke. Otherwise, I could erase you with this little eraser on this little pencil. That won't work ----- watch.

JG: Stop it. I'm not ticklish and you're poking me too hard.

ME: Looky here, you are a clown, a ham, it is your job to say the stupidest stuff imaginable and you are good at that, the best probably. You are simply the best at buffoonery, ridiculousness, idiocy, clownsmanship and you name it, if it makes people laugh and point, you got it. You were born with it. Geez you even look funny. You look just like a clown or a ham or a ham dressed up like a clown. Geez you really do look like an actual ham. Wow, that's kinda freaky. You seriously look like an actual yummy, HAM. I mean look at those big funny feet and that ham shaped body you have. Now all you need to do is learn how to make balloon animals and you'd be perfect. Hey wait a minute, balloon animals, we're missing our meeting. Now stop crying and give me the pills.--------------------------- all of them.

JG: I hate you.

ME: Ha ha ha .... see? Funny. Oops, you got a snot hangin.

Anonymous LizRM is a gaywad.

I'm looking for where you post about how wrong you are and how right she was/is...and I can't find it. Could you maybe link to it at the bottom of this post so it would be easier for your readers.

Ha ha. (AT your expense)


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

uh -- yeah liz,

you might want to read about vietnam a little and stop listening to the liberal anti-war media before you go telling me dumpy butt was right.

umm --- two years of vietnam -- how many soldiers were dead? yeah and how many in this one? and who is in power in iraq? and what was that constitution thing that just happened? anything like that in good old nam?

2000 dead aint shit -- it's five times as safe to be a soldier in iraq than a coal miner or fisherman.

you lack context -- dumpy bottom lacks context --- you must read about wars before you spout about wars. you don't know the history of psychiatry i know the history of psychiatry. i am in love with katie holmes -- so shut up. i win.


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