I Know Who My Friends Are
Earlier I heard a "friend" saying that the United States government needs to stop being so friendly with Israel and needs to develop a more neutral attitude in regards to the crap going down between them and those ridiculous Palestinians --- here's the rest of the conversation:
???: = Me.
Her: = Her.
???: What? Neutral? Why?
Her: Well we need to be impartial in that conflict. We shouldn't take sides. Why are we "friends" with Israel and not Palestine? After all they are all equal as humans -- right?
???: Yeah? how do you figure?
Her: Well, humans -- you know, they are supposed to be all equal and shit.
???: Yeah? you mean like, rock bands? Are they all equal? They're all human. Name your ten favorite rock bands ....
Her: Uh um o.k. -- uh Beck, Kiss, Bob Dylan, uuh Perry Farrell, The Ramones...
???: Yeah yeah, Jew, Jew, Jew and the rest are probably all Jews too --- ya got any Palestinians on that list?
Her: Uh umm uuh...
???: No --- nothing --- nada -- zilch --- there is no such thing as a cool Palestinian -- the closest they ever came to cool was Joe Kamel and he was a cartoon who fell from fame for sellin' drugs to kids and having a face shaped like a penis. Can you name ANY good Palestinian music?
Her: Well, the stuff they play in cabs and in the liquor store...
???: ...Sucks --- it sucks. --- Admit that you hate it and it sounds like slow death by cancer.
Her: O.k. yeah, I hate it. It does remind me of death.
???: Name your top ten film makers"
Her: Spielberg, Woody Allen....
???: Yeah yeah -- again Jew 1 through 10. Any Palestinians?
Her: Uh --- well at Sundance I saw some middle eastern film.... ---
???: Was it good?
Her: Uuuhh --- no.
???: Exactly ---- the answer is none. -- Don't be difficult here. There are no good middle eastern films period. Even films about the middle east suck. Name your top five comedians, -- No, don't, Adam Sandler already covered that in his song about famous Jews, they're all either Jews or they're sleeping with Jews for jokes -- trust me. How about your five favorite writers,
Her: Well there are a few non Jews on that list...
???: Like who?
Her: Dave Barry
???: He's a Jew --- o.k. maybe not , I don't know... I'll bet that more than half of the rest are Jews. Any Palestinians?
Her: I could Google Dave Barry and find out. Maybe he is a Jew -- no Palestinians on my list.
???: Google -- created by a Jew. Which leads to scientists, how about scientists?
Her: I don't really keep track of scientists...
???: Dood --- name just one -- I know you can name one scientist.
???: Exactly --- smartest guy ever -- a Jew ------ any Palestinians?
???: Like I said, -- zippo. Nobel prize winners?
Her: Again, I don't keep track. Oh Oh Oh -- Arafat!! I got one!!
???: Fuck Arafat, he's dead and it was purely wishful thinking that gave it to him.
Look, the Jews are keeping humanity alive and healthy. You got prostate trouble? -- You want a Jewish finger in there for sure. Okay let's get back to stuff you like -- fashion...
Her: Oooh fun... okay -- Ralph Lauren
Her: Donna Karen
Her: Oh oh oh .... Marc Jacobs
???: Oh oh oh ---- Marc Jewcobs --- dood -- Levi Strauss, the most American fashion in the world --- Calvin Klein too --- both Jews. Super heros, let's do them, Superman, Batman, Captain America, The Hulk, The Fantastic Four, Krusty The Clown --- all Jews. -- Any Palestinian super heros on your list?
???: Shut up. --- The answer is: Fuck no. News people, -- try some of them.
Her: Barbara Walters
???: Jew ---- with a speech impediment I might add.
Her: Larry King
???: Come on --- duh -- easy --- waaay Jew --- although he's married to a Mormon who consider Jews to be Gentiles.
Her: O.k. here's one -- Ted Koppel, -- he's a fat headed irish guy.
???: Nope -- Fat headed Jew.
???: Look it up ---- I'll bet you a hot dog ----...
Her: What about sports? There aren't any Jewish sports stars, Mark Spitz doesn't count cause swimming is gay ---.
???: True, but so what. Are there any Palestinian sports stars?
Her: What is Tiger Woods deal?
???: Black, White and Chinese or something -- he ain't Palestinian.
Her: What about American presidents? -- none of them have been Jewish.
???: So fucking what -- Monica Lewinsky is --- and Jesus too. American presidents are all heavily influenced by powerful Jews. Do you still think we should be impartial on the gaza strip? Good things happen; spot the Jew. Where do you see Palestinians?
Her: Wherever there are burning buses and detached and mangled body parts.
???: Exactly --- Impartial my ass -- Jews are our friends -- literally -- Monica, Chandler, Ross -- Phoebe too. Fuck the Palestinian "state" --- The Jews only want a tiny crappy piece of land in a place that I couldn't give two fucks about, and for all the Jews have contributed to humanity you gotta god damn well better believe that, loony Zionism or not, I'm gonna side with them. We should only be so lucky to breed with them -- especially Sarah Silverman, Natalie Portman, and Kate Hudson. If the fucking Palestinians want a fucking homeland they can go to fucking Jordan or Syria or Libya or any of those other crappy places that haven't ever done anything for civilization.
Her: Come on, they developed some interesting architecture.
???: O.k. thank you for pointing out that you have to go back to the dawn of humanity to find something positive. And might i remind you that during the dawn of humanity -- all of our genes wer swimming around in the pool over there. -- What have they done for humanity lately? Let's say since oh -- the industrial revolution? Look -- they just better fucking start minding their p's and q's cause I think we're gettin' half a mind to take all that architecture and history away from them too. They certainly ain't doin' anything with it that benefits the rest of us. There is some good fucking oil over there and we could use it.
Her: Anyway -- I gotta go to my doctor to check out this thing on my arm and then I got meetings with my shrink, my accountant and then my lawyer...
Her: Uuuh ---- yup.
Anyway people, before you comment on my "racism". Read the FAQ -- this article ain't about who is right or who is wrong anyway. It's about how sometimes in a bar fight, ya gotta have your friends back and it doesn't always matter whether or not he grabbed that chicks boob and called her boyfriend a homo.
WHO IS YOUR FRIEND???