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January 22, 2005

Fuck Tony Robbins, What You NEED is ME!!

I don't care whether you're talking about team scrabble, relationships, building a rabbot (that's a rabbit robot) or just pitching spit balls to fourth grade faggot little leaguers -- you will never ever ever be a *necessary* part of that equation. Believe it or not, they will be just fine without you. Trust me. Nobody needs you and if you find yourself upset by this fact, if you find yourself collecting your shit off the street in a rainstorm after your bandmates or girlfriend chucked it up out of the basement window onto the sidewalk -- you NEED to assess the situation and listen to me --- NOBODY WILL EVER EVER NEED YOU. The fact that this is what you desire is what makes you a completely intolerable manipulative fuck who will always be lonely and alone. DIG IT?

The goal is not to be "needed" --- it's not to be "necessary" --- it's not to create some bullshit illusion of dependence --- the goal is not to be REQUIRED the goal is to be DESIRED.

Here's a novel idea, rather than manipulating and giving your sneaky speeches about how "nobody will ever love you like I love you" -- try shooting for desire. hmmmnnn never thought of that? well there's your problem --- you are a manipulative dillusional fuck and that's why everyone high tails it out of there even though you have done your best to be NECESSARY and irreplaceable, -- well ---- guess what -- YOU"RE NOT. Any numb nutts could take your place pissing and moaning -- any fucking bag of snot could step in for your sludging around attempting to make everyone around you feel like they NEED you. Nobody needs you --- nobody ever will NEED you. Again --- seek to be desired.

I can hear you, you're doing it right now --- it's like you can't stop.

"But legally they do need me -- I'm the one who started the band and I even trademarked our name and logo." you say.

Look, the name sucks. Get over it. They will come up with a better one after they kick you out. get over yourself.

"But they can't kick me out, it's my band."

Ever heard of David Lee Roth? -- Ok that's a bad example.

But regardless, you go right on ahead, try to trick the other fags in your crappy band into believing that without your awesome genius on the wiener banjo they'd be nothing but a bunch of fags in a crappy band. Seriously -- go for it. You know what? They might even fall for it for a little while -- depending on how shitty the band really is and how stupid your band mates are -- they might even fall for it forever. However, it's much more likely that eventually they will get tired of your manipulative, dillusional bullshit and hire a hot chick to do your job -- and she might even grasp the whole concept, she might even give discount blow jobs. YOU"RE NOT NECESSARY.

I'll say it again --- your goal should be to be DESIRED not REQUIRED.

But how? you say.
Try this, ask yourself these simple questions:

Do you make people laugh? or do you call them stupid when they laugh?

Do you play the wiener banjo better than anyone in history or do you make boring speeches about the wiener banjo and it's influence in musical history.

Are you the raddest dresser on your block or do you exclaim that people who put forth effort to dress uniquely are just doing it for attention.

Do you rock out on your wiener banjo no matter what type of recording gear is in front of you or do spew forth useless crap about how analog is superior because "digital is just so cold".

I could go on here but I don't think I need to.

Just take assessment of the people you know, chances are that a few of them are trying to make themselves feel necessary by constantly subtly tearing you down and rebuilding you in their image --(kinda like what I am doing here) you secretly hate these people and eventually you should kill them with a hammer. Now think of those few people who always have something funny or smart to say, who always dress to impress, who always have a an option available to make the situation better and more fun. Just be like that (if you can't think of anyone like that, you might be in more trouble than we thought). Be pleasant to work with, Actually get smart instead of just acting smart. Actually be creative instead of throwing roadblocks up for those who are actually creative. Instead of shunning and berating those with more talent and wit -- learn from them --- worship them if you have to. Just do something before it's too late.

Just be the type of person that you would want to be stuck with on a desert island. Laziness won't work here. Lots of work is required to truly be desired.

OK -- I'm sick of writing about this. I'm starting to sound like that fucking horsehead Tony Robbins. You don't deserve my help anyway. Fuck off.

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

dude -- that shit is fucked up -- you are the one who needs this advice you fucking jerk. why don't you go vote for george bush and suck tony robbins saggy nuttsack.


Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

i think you are right. i suck. seriously now i am really sad. thanks alot merkley. you are an angel. i need you.


Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

You're one silly fucker. The last part is the best. I'm so lucky everybody loves me. I work hard at it...


Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

This post has been removed by a blog administrator.


Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

you should be teaching classes. are you accepting applications for apprenticeship?


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