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January 10, 2005

The Mighty Pen:
The Militaristic Elimination of Censorship Worldwide

It is abundantly clear that the primary enemy of freedom is censorship backed by an ass whipping. Controlling "the pen" with "the sword" has long been the business of despots, dictators, kings, holy men, dick heads, and rulers of all varieties. These people, with their small groups of ignorant followers both far and wide are hell bent on controlling the much larger group which makes up the rest of us. Pulling off their ultimate goals of censorship and subsequent control with any degree of success requires either constant development of better swords or fantastic skill with boxcutters.

Opposing Rulers, kings and peoples have for centuries spent countless man hours and oceans of blood on the quest for a bigger, better, mightier head-lopper-offer. In this quest the pen has been given some due attention. There have been songs of revolution, declarations of war and propaganda campaigns that have enjoyed some pretty significant victories. Lord knows Allah loves spreading his word through the internet. Certainly in this new century most of us have seen the power of the pen as represented by the media in seemingly innumerable examples of powerful influence.

In America, we love to talk about free speech, The argument floods our airwaves. More and more, the argument seems to be our favorite pastime. Some even argue against the concept of free speech, some think some pens should be dried up and discarded, But no matter what the argument or situation, at the very least, people here at least pay lip service to the concept. Even when someone jumps up and down about limiting certain speech to "protect the children" or "public safety" or whatever excuse they have, they most often quickly switch sides when someone jumps up and down to shut them up. Truly we have a healthy respect for the pen in this land of ours. It is this respect that we have for the freedom to flap our gums like drunken camels that upsets many of our enemies, because ultimately free lip flapping means the end of their parade. Their authority lives in the quick flash of the sword which is why the title of this article scares the poop out of them. They hate pens in the hands of their subjects. They should.

The United States of America has time and time again demonstrated the strength, prowess and technical superiority of her awesome shiny sword. We have, without a doubt, the best, most ass kickingest sword. But in order to ultimately win this war for freedom once and for all on a global scale, it's time The U.S.A. and her buddies take the real battle to heart and put the horse back in front of the cart. It's time to build a better fucking pen.

step one:

If I was in charge I would issue a challenge to the developers, designers and manufacturers of the world of technology to develop an ultra easy to use device resembling a laptop computer, that would be at once solar powered, wall powered, or hand powered. The device would be named the "Mighty Pen" and it would need to be as easy to use as a television, or common radio combined with a simple computer keyboard and should be capable of receiving satellite signals of all variety. This includes the internet, television, and radio. Upon opening the device, it needs to be able to speak in any language so required to instruct it's user how to get it going. Although completely capable of passive information such as the moving pictures of film or television and the music and information of radio, It must have the ability to easily teach anyone how to read and type in whichever language desired. Don't get confused, we're long past science fiction here, this device could certainly be developed within a few years possibly even shorter. Most of this technology already exists in the average computer owning U.S. household. The Mighty Pen doesn't have to look cool, it just needs to work and it needs to be small enough to be hidden under a burka.

Developers and manufacturers would scramble to develop the perfect Mighty Pen. Dozens of designs would be submitted by companies like Sony, Apple, Microsoft etc.. then a winner would be chosen, and a lucrative government contract would be awarded.

Lucrative indeed, the U.S. military budget is incredible, Bombs and tanks are very very expensive, surely we could spend what we needed to to really get the Mighty Pen rolling. For starters, the military would order enough Mighty Pens for an average of one Mighty Pen per household within the territories and countries standing as enemies of free speech and democracy. -- Eventually, ideally, one for every household on the globe if necessary.

step two:

Sometimes something comes along in the world which changes the way things work forever and this is plan is certainly one of them. As part of her military defense strategy, The U.S. would inform every content provider on the entire planet of it's intention to provide a vehicle for their uncensored content, free of charge, beamed via U.S. military satellites, to every corner of the globe, starting principally with the regions hostile to the concept of free speech. Yes, you heard me right, The United States military would beam, at tax payers expense, by satellite, any and all content on this entire planet, from religious nutball networks to The Disney Channel and HBO. From mongolian CNN and Al-Jazeera to the Albanian version of your local cable access bullshit --- EVERYTHING ---- ALL OF IT, even those propagandists who hate America, even chinese porn (gasp). No censorship would ever be considered for any reason. The FCC would have to finally go fuck itself.

Wait --- did he say at the taxpayers expense? Yes I did. But don't be alarmed this isn't a new concept and it's entirely American. Currently tax payers pay for sidewalks and public squares upon which anyone can express themselves so long as they don't impede with the free flow of traffic (and sometimes even if they do). It might help to consider these airwaves as the giant public square in the sky. Why shouldn't we pay for one of those if we can all use it? Certainly we'd all benefit from it.

Most companies of course would be more than eager to take advantage of this wonderful plan. They would see the amazing opportunities for advertising and finding new markets for the advertisers supporting their content development. Some networks of the subscription variety might object to the whole notion of free content. Major cable companies, satellite companies and the likes might wonder what their role would be. The U.S. would work diligently to find solutions to complaints and arguments against the plan but it would stay steadfast in the intention to beam EVERYTHING. The U.S. would constantly issue reminders of the goal of FREE speech, which isn't to say nobody gets paid. Free market capitalism and advertising revenues as well as exploiting new markets for products would surely amount to fair compensation. Subscription services could still reasonably coexist in this new plan, but free content would be encouraged.

step three:

Satellites would be launched, steered into their proper orbits and the beaming would begin. The USA would air-drop Mighty Pens by the hundreds of thousands into the lands and hands of these populations. Upon opening them, anyone, even the slightly retarded, would be able to access all the electronic information available on our planet.

The United States of America would finally put into action the term FREE SPEECH. The Mighty Pens would be free and the access would be free (well free to our soon to be former enemies anyway). Parents and individual citizens would finally have to teach their own children about violence and naked people having sex (goodness really?). Certainly many governments and religions would protest. Preachers and "holy men" from Utah to Islam would scream "Armageddon!!" It's the END OF THE WORLD". Of course they'd be right, it would be the end of the world, or at least the end of their *control* of the world anyway. Despot dictators? Well at first they'd probably send out their minions to confiscate these devices, a few thousand heads would be lopped off (but they were being lopped off anyway) Warnings of the "Great Satan" would blare over loudspeakers mounted on tanks and Toyota Four Runners from Alabama to Mecca until they realized they could get their own channel on the Mighty Pen. Some nations and or corporations would even attempt to blast our satellites out of the sky to protect syndication rights, market shares and what not. But it wouldn't work --- the genie would be out of the bottle.

The populations of the world, after having received these Mighty Pen devices, and spent a few days exploring the wonderful world of porn (come on, lets not lie, that's what everybody does when they first get the internet) would move on and explore the wealth of information the world has to offer. Eventually, they'd see Toy Story and Toy Story II, with their very own eyes, and they would no longer believe the lies about America being evil which were Incidentally, being broadcast along with the other messages in the hundreds of thousands of stations and millions of websites on other channels on the very same Mighty Pen device. No longer would governments be able to convince their populations that their ideals were being ripped to shreds by the Great Satan. The populations of the globe would undoubtedly realize in massive waves that; no, it wasn't the United States of America that represented a threat to their heath, happiness, safety, and eternal progression as represented by their religions and governments --- America was never the enemy of their government or religion --- Free speech was the enemy.

Oh yeah, did I mention that with each of these air-dropped Mighty Pen devices, there would be a fully functioning and loaded pistol with plenty of ammo? Yeah, unfortunately, no matter how mighty the pen, it's useless without the sword.

step three:

It of course follows logic that the populations of the world, these billions of people with human desires like ours, now having free access to PIXAR, porn, Disney, Turner Classics, Queer Eye, and the millions of other stories reflecting human condition, would revolt against their stupid governments. But they wouldn't have to do it alone because the Mighty Pen also has that typewriter thing that connects to the internet --- that thing where everybody can share stories and plans with anyone who'll listen -- and there is no worry of being shut down except by a bullet or bomb (and there are far too many Mighty Pens for that to be effective). Furthermore, what free country would not aide a massively popular uprising for the whole purpose of ultimate free speech and porn? What dogma could put that genie back into the bottle?

None. The Individual, having it finally bestowed upon her by the military of The United States of America, would come together in masses to protect her own free voice and thus the tenets of democracy would flood the earth and the moral majority would finally rule. With the tools of free communication in the hands of these populations, many, perhaps even most, would self organize and lead their own revolutions. Adding to the ease of these new revolutions is that the fight would no longer be the blind fighting the blind because lo and behold, these Armies, composed of individuals themselves, would find these devices as they rained down from the heavens too. Individual soldiers would smuggle these devices against orders and they'd experience the flood of free information just like everyone else. This would change them. The Mighty Pen isn't just an old fashioned leaflet designed to destroy morale, convince them that they are fighting in vain, or warn them of their ultimate destruction, no The Mighty Pen is every episode of Friends, Seinfeld, and The Simpsons with their international counterparts, the Mighty Pen is the Koran, the Kabalah, The Bible, Atheists Weekly, and The Satanist Gazette.

The Mighty Pen is....... everything -- all human thought, all human hope, all human desire in a little package. This would inspire these individual soldiers and armies to turn and fight against their own heavy handed and misdirected leaders. You get rid of censorship and you get rid of most of the fight against freedom. To be sure, there will always be those who will use the tools of free communication to spread the doctrine of safety over freedom, and hate over acceptance and yes, some people will always impose censorship upon themselves at the suggestion of others, there will always be those willing to submit voluntarily to blinders, but "voluntarily" is the key word here. With the world, or at the very least our most dangerous enemies flooded with the complete uncensored Mighty Pen, it would never be the majority again.

The United States and it's allies in freedom with all it's military might could finally focus on missions where it is obviously welcome. No more guessing about whether a certain population actually loves their benevolent dictators, the message would be beamed out. The United States and all protectors of free speech would know exactly where to go because all of these millions of people with their millions of Mighty Pens would be sending out to the free world undeniably clear calls for help. An undeniable cry for freedom would echo in every nook and cranny.

step four:

This is not just a plan -- this is a prediction. The light has shone upon me and I can see clearly where all this wonderful technology is going. See, while many lay awake at night worrying and fearing the end of civilization, I see what I saw when I first learned of evolution. I see human beings evolving for the survival not of cockroaches after a nuclear blast, but the survival and progress of human beings. Human beings will survive. Human beings have invented all the things that will utimately send us on to the next level of evolution whatever it may be. Fear will never disappear. It doesn't need to, it's a major component of this wonderful thing we call evolution.

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

seriously -- this plan is brilliant.


Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

yeah, if you're dumb maybe


Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

I want one


Anonymous bryon is a gaywad.

I see where you're going and all. And I certainly agree that "free-speech" is a fundamental part of "freedom." I guess I just don't understand how free HBO and Friends is going to unify the world, and put an end to terrorism and dictatorships. I think a problem with this idea is that, for most of us, participation is too hard. Why contribute when you can just sit back and watch. And, watching TV, the internet, porn, etc. is just ... watching. Soon we'd have a world of sedentary, unproductive, sleepy-eyed "watchers." And as you said, the ex-dictators too would be free to "publish" their thoughts and ideas. And they would. The dictators, the religious-right, the Communists, the Capitalists, the terrorists, the liberals, the environmentalists, the Jews, the Russians, the Saudis, the Canadians, and all the other "evils" would beam out their propaganda. And propaganda works because emotion and sensationalism always wins out over common-sense and logic. It wouldn't be long before the people voluntarily stack up and burn all these mighty pens. Longing for the nostalgic good-'ol-days of censorship and big-brother. Back when things were "right." When you didn't have to think for yourself. When the Government did all your thinking for you. Thinking is participation, and participation is too hard.


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