A Gay Ass MySpace Survey.

Sometimes you just gotta do them, this one is colossally gay.

Who Was The Last Person Who... or Time You......

x. Slept in your bed?

Me -- asshole I ain't friggn Michael Jackson, when I have a guest *THEY* fiddle with *MY* nutts and then *THEY* sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor.

x. Saw you cry?

Oprah -- but she made me cry, that fucking bitch. I love her.

x. You shared a drink with?

Keep your stinky lips off my drink. Get your own.

x. You went to the movies with?

Quinn AKA Bing Ji Ling, I don't remember the movie. I'm pretty sure it sucked.

x. You went to the mall with ?

I go to the mall once every two years just to be reminded bout how out of touch with mainstream America I really am -- but shit, these food courts are out of control. A Big Mac just looks so retarded next to a plate of of beef broccoli chow mein. At least sit on a different table. This UN stuff has gone too far.

And by the way people, not that I really care, but here's a little grammar lesson, It's improper english to say "who was the last person you went to the mall with?" We should try to avoid ending sentences with prepositions. The proper way to phrase the question is "Who is the last person with whom you went to the mall." Don't never say I never taught ya nuthin.

x. Yelled at you?

The ladies usually are screaming, not yelling. Somebody typed in all caps to me in an email. No matter what you think, THIS IS NOT YELLING ------ GEEK.

x. Sent you an e-mail?

Susan Hengst of House of Hengst, she's a friend and the girlfriend of my best friend and right now she is photography/design client of mine.

x. Said "I Love You" ?

I say it to my dogs and the man in the mirror -- not Michael Jackson you idiot ---- ME!! Although I did ask him to change his ways. Sorry for yelling.

x. Got in a fight with your pet?

I warn my pets daily that I could kill them and cook them because:

a: There would be no missing persons report filed for a damn dog.

and;

b: Nobody would care...

because:

c: Humans kill millions of dogs...

and;

d: mutilate millions of dogs genitals every year....

just for;

e: the fun of it.

Needless to say, they don't fuck with me, Besides, they love that story, you should see how fast they wag their tails when I talk about the doggie gas chambers. Such are the benefits of not speaking english. I do the same thing to the chinks in China Town.

x. Went to California?

I live in California, but you know, every time I go to LA, it still seems like I am taking a trip to California. California is where famous people live. San Francisco is where complainers live.

x. Went to Canada?

1995, it was the year of the Grandparent Die Off. Seriously, it was like it was a race, at the beginning of 1994 all four of my grandparents were living, by the middle of 1995 they were all dead. Some kind of plague I guess. Somewhat convenient I suppose. Funeral city. -- oh -- I was born in Canada.

x. Danced naked?

I do a little shiver shake type deal every time I take a leak and occasionally I will take a leak right before getting into the shower which is an important time to be naked. I never thought of trying it out on the dance floor, but it's a good idea.

x. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the very next day?

I had a dream that I got in a shoving match with a certain famous rockstar and then the next day I had a somewhat awkward confrontation with that very same rockstar, but having already had the dream, I felt no reason to actually call that certain rockstar out to be humiliated. I am very generous and loving really. Besides, I already made him look like a fag in my dream.

x. Wished you were the opposite sex?

As in having a clone that was a chick? Yeah sure, then I could actually date myself for reals like I always wanted.

x. Had an imaginary friend?

When I was in junior high and a little behind the pack puberty wise, I made up a fictitious girlfriend for myself and for the satisfaction and deception of my friends. She was very very beautiful and extremely funny but unfortunately went to another school out by my dad's house where I spent the weekends. She was definitely the best girlfriend I ever had. I wonder what she's doing now. Maybe I should look her up and give her a call. Nah, she's probably fat and ugly and married or something.

x. Ever had a crush on someone?

I still have a crush on that imaginary girlfriend.

x. Read a book that you've never finished?

I hardly ever finish fiction, I can't be bothered with somebody else's stupid stories, I have too many of my own. I'm almost finished reading the internet though.

x. Felt like the whole world is out to get you?

Are you threatening me?

x. Thought of your future son's name?

President.

x. Thought of your future daughter's name?

Your Highness.

x. Slept with a stuffed animal?

What makes you think that I'm a plushie? Is it my beard?

x. Thought of what's under your bed at night?

I know what's under my bed, and yes, I do sometimes lay awake at night thinking, "Maybe I should drag her out in the back yard and give her a proper burial."

x. Thought of switching siblings with a friend?

Only if I was friends with the Olsen twins. I have nothing against incest.

x. Wondered why the world is round when it seems flat?

Hey retard, That's a stupid fucking question. One more like that and you're getting kicked in the neck.

x. Pierced/Tattooed yourself?

I used to draw on myself all the time. I like tattoos but I think they are better to get when you are all decrepit and old, that way you can turn your cancerous moles and age spots into interesting body art. Be patient people. Too bad you can't tattoo or pierce gigantic, thick yellow toenails. Mostly piercings look really dumb.

x. Do you do drugs?

Only nachos.

x. Do you drink alcohol?

Are you offering? Great! Whiskey Coke, make it a double.

x. Who are your best-friends?

Me Myself and I --- and Butterface and Chico.

x. What are you most scared of?

Getting caught.

x. What clothes do you sleep in?

Depends on how drunk I am.

x. Where do you want to get married?

Six feet underground might be a good place, that is of course if I don't opt for cremation.

x. Who do you really hate?

That disgusting, fat, lying, manipulative fuck: Michael Moore. -- Oh and taggers. Idiots too.

x. Do you like being around people?

Smart people? Yes. Dumb people? Only if they are rich. Dudes? not really. Chicks? Hell yeah.

x. Are you for world peace?

Yes, which is precisely why I think it's a good idea to kill all of my enemies.

x. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance to be with?

There is ALWAYS a chance.

x. Have you ever cried over something someone of the opposite sex did?

Never. Tears are for fags.

x. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after ?

If you have been to my house you know that it is filled with things that were broken and discarded and that I pulled in off the street and made beautiful by giving them new context. I have found that I attempt the same thing with ladies. If I ever go after you, chances are it's because I think you need to be fixed or that you would look good lying around in my living room.

x. Do you want to be with someone you like that you're not with right now?

Sarah Silverman maybe. -- Oh and I was unexpectedly really attracted to Bonnie Hunt when I saw her playing Celebrity Poker on Bravo the other night and she's like 80 years old.

x. Are you lonely right now?

Yes, somebody please hold me -- waaaaaaaah -- of course I'm not lonely. Fags are lonely.

x. Do you get songs that get stuck in your head a lot?

I've been humming "Oops I Did It Again" non stop since the first time I heard it years ago. I hope it never stops.

Told you the survey was lame.