If I Was A Rain Drop...

If I was a woman's nipple, I would hang out in a pizza shop. When one of the workers mistook me for a weird piece of pepperoni and grabbed me I would giggle and act all cute but then I would sue for sexual harassment. But not before I ate a whole can of black olives.

If I was the Big Dipper, I would wait until a little kid was looking at me though his brand new telescope and then I'd turn over and dump out a giant space turd into his stupid little eye.

If I was a Dorito corn chip I would go deep undercover as a foot, if I ran into a piece of hot popcorn that was also deep undercover I would say: "Isn't that weird that we both smell like feet?" Then I'd fuck the popcorn and we'd lay in bed talking about corn and how lucky we were to be snacks that smell like feet.

If I was Razor Wire, I would hang out in the Slinky section of Toys-R-Us.

If I was Dr. Phil's Bald head I would blink, flash bright green and secrete a poopy smell every time he said something that sounded like it made sense but was actually a load of crap. Soon all eyes would be on me and I'd get my OWN show.

If I was a string on The Edge's guitar I would go out of tune whenever he played "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For". As soon as he stopped to tune me, I'd go right back in tune and he'd get really confused. Then he'd start playing again and I'd go out of tune again. Pretty soon people would think the song was just about The Edge's weird thing with his guitar because he looks like a guy who would hump a guitar. Finally U2 would break up.

If I was Carson Daly's personality, I would move back to the hardware store where at least the other door knobs would laugh at my jokes.

If I was Jay Leno's lips I would write a book describing the exact smell, texture, taste and tightness of every butthole of every guest in his history as host of the Tonight Show.

If I was a cube of ham on a deli tray, I would jump into the bowl of ranch dressing and eat myself.

If I was a rain drop I would aim myself for the top of a hot black car where I would be instantly turned back into steam, on my way floating back up to the sky I would snidely say to the other raindrops: "That place was lame". Then I'd laugh as their excited facial expressions turned into looks of dread.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught patting a fart out of your pants!