If I Was Salt...

If I was the face that people make right before vomiting, I would legally change my name to Andy. That way when standing in a crowd anybody could say: "Andy coming through!" and everybody could move out of the way without mentioning vomit.

If I was the face that dogs make when they poop, I would legally change my name to Whoopi Goldberg. At least somebody named Whoopi Goldberg would be funny.

If I was that thing on top of a soda pop can, I'm not so sure I would want people flicking me trying to make me sound like some kind of lame world beat instrument.

If I was Michael Moore's penis I would call 911 and tell them that I fell into a well on a mountain made entirely of ham jelly. Imagine the press when the rescuers pulled me out all cold, blue and dehydrated. They'd wrap me in a space blanket and name me Little Baby Amy and I would be the news of the week.

If I was my own penis I would prank call Janet Reno. Mostly I would talk about what happened in Waco. Not much of a funny prank really, but it's fun to Imagine my penis dialing my cell phone.

If I was Robin Williams' body hair I would lay awake in bed all night staring at the moon wondering if there was a family of chimps somewhere laying awake staring at the very same moon thinking about me.

If I was that thin web-like piece of skin between people's fingers and toes, I would be so afraid of razor blades that I'd probably end up getting married to one just to get in good with them and make it all chill.

If I was the word "PHAT", I would make it so that anytime somebody used me in a sentence I would turn into a maggot and live in their eyeball.

If I was salt, I would be embarrassed that I was the main flavor in sweat, boogers and pee.

That's all for now.
Try not to get caught eating dead skin or fingernails!