Haircare Secrets & George W. Bush is AWESOME!

Fletcher from Germany writes,

Dear merkley???,

I couldn't help but notice what fantastic hair you have! It bounces, it behaves, it's not too curly as to be frizzy, it shines and I don't think you suffer from dryness.....odor?

Can you please post your haircare regimen? I know this will be helpful to millions of readers worldwide. Please take us from the cleansing to the drying to the styling...just like Barry takes us from the dance floor to the bedroom. Thank you.

Sincerely yours,
A big fan in Berlin

Thank you for your question Fletcher.

The process is quite involved, but I'll break it down.

1. Quit your job. Most jobs require that you wash your hair too much.

2. Spend most of your life in bed. Laying in bed in your own filth for weeks at a time gives your hair time to really flourish. The nutrients contained in pillowcases that have not been washed since you bludgeoned your last girlfriend to death with a block of frozen ground beef will revitalize your hair and make it happy.

This is the pillow of a person who cares about their hair.

3. Cut it yourself. It doesn't matter if you know how. I close my eyes and measure by touch. Professional hair stylists have made a pact with evil. They have a tremendous conflict of interest. They want to make you look like an ass while slowly hypnotizing you into believing that you need them. Those boobs waving in your face are there for a reason. Any hairstylist will tell you (if you hold a knife to their eyeball) that they are trained to give you a hairstlye that will self destruct twenty minutes after you leave the den of lies and evil they call a salon. If you meet a hairstylist at a party and she tries to give you advice, tell her that her hair looks like shredded wheat. Then light a match. She will leave.

4. Only wash your hair if you think you might be making out with someone later. No sense in draining your hair of nutrients and organisms, making it smell good if you're the only one who gets to enjoy it. Unless you can rub your own penis through it, it's pointless.

5. Use cheap shampoo. Don't use a lot. I do it in two rounds. Round one is just to evict the bugs and plants that have settled in since last time. During this phase suds are uncommon. Make sure to smile as you see the flood of brown mud and dead animals flow down the drain. Round two gives nice suds. Don't over do it.

6. Use cheap conditioner. Leave it in for as much time as it takes to really clean your ass crack and nuttsack. I Like to take some of the conditioner in my hair and share it with my armpits and pubic hair too. I don't believe it does anything helpful, but I don't want anybody to feel left out. Besides, it's so slippery. This is a good time to masturbate.

7. Towel dry. Wrap your head in same towel.

Hates America. Loves soft hair.

Make it nice and tall just like your mother used to do.

Mommy.

This is your chance to really look like a fag. I suggest going out to get the mail or borrowing stuff from the neighbors. Taking out the trash like this is great. Find any robes or nightwear left over by one of the ladies, this is also the time to wear that. Don't act gay though. Act really tough. Good time to fart audibly and say nice things about George W. Bush.

8. DO NOT USE ANY PRODUCTS!! This means gels, leave in conditioners, oils, grease, poop etc.. Let fags, hipsters and all the people who spend zillions of dollars trying to make it look like they don't care about their hair do that. You actually do care and you want it to show because you are not a pussy like them.

9. Blow dry!! Yes, you heard me, get out that motherfucking blow dryer. Turn your head upside down, blow it all against the grain. You are really trying to fluff the fuck out of that shit. Do it how your sister used to do it back in the early eighties.

I hope that chick is a man. Check out those hands.

Don't use a brush until it is almost dry. Use the blow dryer on your nuttsack while you are at it. It feels awesome. This is also the time to see just how fluffy you can get your beard. Just for the hell of it.

10. Look in the mirror and tell yourself: "holy shit you are handsome" then say "No YOU are." then say "No YOU are." Keep doing this until you realize that it's not even the slightest bit funny. Love yourself even though you are a complete Gaybob Douche Machine.

11. Get out and let the ladies touch it. Brag to them about your superior skills with a blow dryer. Say BLOW DRYER really loud. People will admire that you are willing to admit that you use a BLOW DRYER!! Some will try to make fun of you. These are the ones who definitely want to fuck you. Make them wait. Let fag hairdressers touch your hair too. Just make sure to talk highly of George W. Bush while they do it.

Good luck.
Thanks for writing.