If I Was an Upside Down Bag of Poop...

If I was a tampon, I would be totally fine with hanging out all day in a vagina, what I would hate, however, is being dragged out of the garbage and chewed on by a dog.

If I was a gas station, I would stop selling snacks and instead I would only sell shoes and matches.

If I was Paris Hilton I would hang out with a ten foot tall dehydrated vagina. Sometimes, I'd send the vagina on vacation to Africa and I'd hire interesting negro witch doctors to poke at it with pitchforks. I'd lay awake in bed trying to feel the pokes too because I always thought it would be freaky to have a twin.

If I was Sam Donaldson's eyebrows, I would so rule when I coined the freedom call: "Don't Be a Pushy, Dare to Be Bushy!" when I received the lifetime achievement award at the annual NAAPB (National Association for the Advancement of Push Brooms) awards banquet.

If I was an upside down bag of poop with pulsating face cancer and an ugly little red headed girl's voice, I would probably get my feelings hurt when people called me Aaron Neville because that guy dresses like a total fag.

If I was the mole on Aaron Neville's face I would donate all the real estate from my northern prairies to the cliffs and snow covered peaks in my southern most regions to Habitat for Humanity. The homeless would finally live in a land made entirely of blueish beef jerky and nobody would ever again notice that they smelled like pee. That's what we call a two-fer.

If I was a peanut and it was 1979, I would tell everybody that Jimmy Carter was my dad but that he never acknowledged me. Then, four years later I would find Amy and slip her a roofie. 9 months later a peanut bush would grow out of her vagina and then the word would be "incest". Suddenly people would stop looking all stink-eyed at Billy. Even the homeless would snicker at poor ol' Jimmy. HA HA, I said snicker -- get it? Peanuts? Holy shit I am topical.

If I was a really boring blog post I would ---- wait a minute --- what are you trying to say? Are you trying to get me to say that I am boring? merkley??? well take this - kljhhklju ajklrbsdh vksdghjv and THAT loihzsdffl!!! .asjkhvb ;akljhdsf vlkj!!! and take one of these too louifhgmspoierg onifsfdoisrrnocvao;i56p9834989yfbn!! HA!! That'll teach you to call a blog post boring. ------ Oh quit bawling you little queer, It's only a bloody nose. Why don't you just show everybody one of your fruitcake pictures of one of those pretty girls that you always pretend that you hang out with.

OK, maybe I will -- and I'm not pretending -- I actually know all of these girls.

Yeah -- OK, whatever you say you bloody nosed homo.

Don't believe him, I know all of these girls, and I'm not gay. Here is a picture I took of my friend Yana. I don't think she'd get in her underwear for just anybody -- I think it's obvious that I know her and that she trusts me and admires my talent.

Yeah -- whatever --- faggot.

You're the fag.

Wanna have sex?

Fine -- sure -- whatever --- get the grease.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught staring at a really old woman's shriveled up boobs! No -- wait --- DO get caught. Really old ladies love that shit. You might even hook up. SWEET!