merkley???: I May Not Be God, But at Least I'm Real.: Jesus Always Loved Me More Than Your Average Asshole

March 28, 2005

Jesus Always Loved Me More Than Your Average Asshole

In 1979, when I was 13, Jesus once again proved his greater love for me over my very own sister.

Erika, my less loved sister, had been dialing the local radio station all day long --- like non-stop dialing, her fingers were broken and bleeding from so much dialing dialing -- to win a radio contest. They were giving away a record or something. I really was hoping that she would win, but she seemed so desperate I just didn't feel like it was going to happen. But still, dial she would. I mostly heard all of this from the other room. I had the inclination a few times to pick up one of the other phones and tell her she had won and then just mail her one of my mom's crappy Lettermen records.

My sister was pretty easily fooled.

I used to tell her airplanes were flying saucers. She would say;

"NUH UH, that's a plane, I'm not stupid."

Then I'd say,

"No seriously, the newer flying saucers all look like planes and they follow the same flight paths to stay undetected."

Then she'd get all nervous looking and say;

"What should we do? What should we do?"

Then I'd freak her out even more, maybe even convincing her to hide in the bathtub for a half an hour... She was older than me by 2 years, I did variations of this same trick bilions and bilions of times and it always worked.

Anyway, back to how Jesus loved me more than her.

So she's dialing like a crazy person dialing - hang up - dialing - hang up -- dial -- hang up.. finally in complete exasperation and defeat, she slammed the phone down.

I said;

"Dial one more time"

She said very frustratedly:

"NOOOUAH, somebody already won."

"What's the number?"

"976-KRSP"

I picked up the phone and dialed ---- and if you can't guess what happened by the title to this post well then you are a fucking idiot.

I WON! first try.

Anyway, you'd think my sister would have been mad, sad, jealous or pissed, but that's just because you don't understand what a wonderful, caring person my sister has always been. She got so excited and happy for me that she started to cry. It was like she won only better. And she really was happy for me. It wasn't fake.

That's the part of this story that proves that Jesus always loved me more than your average asshole. Because that little Easter Bunny motherfucker gave me the weirdest, most gullible and wonderful sister a brother could ever hope for. She won't even be mad at calling her gullible here on the internet. She'll just tell me how funny and talented I am and I'll scare her about UFOs. It's a beautiful relationship we have. I'm not joking.

Anyway, the record was "The Eagles -- The Long Run" -- my mom had to drive me to pick it up. That is when I learned that all DJ's are nerdy, booger eating, swamp dwelling trolls and all radio stations are located in a stinky, moldy, trailer in the very same swamp.

Now here's a picture I took of my wonderful sister Erika. -- She has 5 kids. The oldest is in college.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:

kelly leigh is a gaywad.

she's pretty, merkley.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:48 PM

bryon is a gaywad.

I don't exactly know why i have the inclination to say this, but you take some pretty awesome fucking photographs. I hate fuckers who can create amazing shit without even trying. I imagine if you tried to make something lame, it would actually turn out cooler than the shit you try and make cool on purpose. Face it ... you can't do anything lame. You and fucking Tyler. And, fucking Tyler's friend. And, fucking Tyler's friend's friend. Oh, wait ... that's you again. Fuckers.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:50 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

Talking about yourself again Bryon?

That's an interesting form of projection. I think it's probably very healthy.

Now lets all pat ourselves on the backs and be glad that we're all geniuses.

TAKE THAT WORLD!!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:55 PM

bryon is a gaywad.

Oh ... did I say "you?" 'Cause I meant, "I."

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:02 PM

gaby is a gaywad.

Now that you post pictures, I read more. But I don't think Jesus likes you more than he likes me. Today I found half of a dollar.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:01 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

If Jesus loved you he would let you find a WHOLE dollar. Ten dollars even.

He is obviously mocking you.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:40 PM

buttergun is a gaywad.

The Eagles are dirty and sinful and no real Mormon mom would let any brethren in her family anywhere near that devil business.

Question: Why is it that most of your photos of women that I have seen are taken from the same perspective...classic cocksucker height?

Sincere Question: Do you ever photograph ugly stuff? (After you insert some smack about ugly bitches including yourself, yo mama, or me, I am actually really curious.)

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:22 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

Well buttergun,
here's the most honest answer i can give.

for the most part, i photograph things that i like --- or maybe more importantly -- people that like me. The beauty i find in adoring eyes is simply astounding, and i like to capture that. i truly believe that there is an interchange that occurs between to people who share a mutual lust or respect or admiration, or comradery that only occurs when feelings are real.

i always hope that it is obvious, although i am often befuddled that it is not, that i am deeply in love with real honest human beings and the true human experience. my life has led me into the arms and minds of some very special people and for that i will not ever be able to truly express my amazement and gratitude.

often, what others find ugly -- i find amazing -- i seek to emphasize these things.

i can tell you this, i have almost never truly gazed into the eyes of another human being and not been driven into feelings of comfort, love, empathy, and many times -- perhaps even most of the time -- even a little lust.

of course, on very rare occasions, i will look into the eyes of another and find contempt, rage, hatred, or otherwise --- these are moments that make me feel sad and empty -- i wish to forget them immediately -- certainly i do not want to re-visit them in the fictional, static state of a silly photograph, instead, i would prefer to be patient and do what i need to do to correct this awful situation -- and seek to elicit those adoring, loving eyes that i feel compelled to share with the rest of humanity.

thank you for asking me that question when i am slightly drunk -- otherwise, i'm afraid, i may have spewed a bit of bullshit.

to boil it down, life is too short and full of pain to highlight it and preserve it in a photograph. toss that shit NOW!!

i like to feel good.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:29 AM