Martha: "Nigga Cain't Fade Me!"

News From The Future

So yeah, the good thing is that I still have enough hamburger in a pouch to quantum leap around the future and answer all your gay questions. As requested, I have been paying special attention to people in OLD news from your time, I know how you love dead horses.

The year now is 2020.

Freakishly old horsehead bachelor John "Whoops-A-Daisy" Kerry has unsuccessfully run for president in every election since his 2004 fuck up. He's never once even come close to winning but dozens of people still give campaign contributions because they loooove hearing him say "Whoops-A-Daisy" every time he fucks up. I don't get it either. He says it over and over and over and people go bananas. He's covered in scabs... he even has his own show on NBC called -- surprisingly "Whoops-A-Daisy" in which he just fucks up all the time. In last night's episode, he put his left arm between two cinder blocks and had a very feeble, wheelchair bound, one eyed, Jackie Chan chop it in half. Then he smothered it in flamable grease, lit it on fire and then he and the whole studio audience all at once shouted "WHOOPS-A-DAISY!!" Lame. Mark Burnett is still awesome.

Saying "Whoops-A-Daisy" isn't funny but when I get back, I'm trademarking it.

The Baghdad Disneyland closed. Something about Mickey rubbing his "Weapon of "Mouse" Destruction" on Islamic teens in the "Small World" ride. Turns out, middle eastern people can't handle freedom after all. Porn, hookers, drugs, Mark Burnett, sex with camels, you name it. The whole region is covered in goo. Gross.

Oh yeah, Goofy is gay, I mean he finally came out of the closet. He is dating Maury Povich -- who is in a coma on account of he is fricken OLD! I think I might find him and mercy stab him.

Shortly after her release in 2005, Martha Stewart married her former cell mate (gay marriage -- no big deal here, Jesus lost). She is now on death row in the maximum security wing at Riker's Island. As she promised, she kept in touch with her original prison gang, one thing led to another, she ended up bustin' caps in 42 Puerto Rican Crip bitches for getting all up in her grill and disrespecting her boo. They retaliated and smoked Rosie O'Donnell just for the hell of it. Turns out, the Crips never even ran their mouths on Marthas boo in the first place. Mark burnett made it up to make Martha's waning reality show more exciting. He's Awesome.

At her sentencing, Martha told judge Joe Brown:

"Yo nigga! Yall betta eat dat key cuz you know if I is outty I'll crack yo shit and wet yo ass -- biiioooweewaatch --- ta daaaow! Nigga cain't fade me! Nigga cain't fade me!"

Doesn't matter anyway, her company tanked when she decided that everything just had to be RED to show love for her Bloods.

Sad how once a bitch has seen the inside, she just can't seem to adjust to the world outside.

OK, Now I'm bored. I think I'll look up some hot burkha on burkha Disney action.

Oh yeah, one last thing. I looked most of you up -- bad news, mostly you didn't age well -- lot's of balding -- especially the chicks. Yuck.