merkley???: I May Not Be God, But at Least I'm Real.: My vegetable. MINE!!

March 24, 2005

My vegetable. MINE!!

So I ran into Michael and Terry Schaivo in the produce section at Safeway.

???: Hey, nice retard ya got there, what's her name?

MS: Her name is Terry. She is not a retard. She has absolutely no thought and no feeling. She is a vegetable. She's my wife.

???: Hmmmn... Who is that other lady?

MS: Thats' my girlfriend.

???: Sweet... very progressive. I like. You three look happy together, Why is Terry smiling?

MS: That's not a smile. That's your basic vegetable expression.

I quickly scan the squash section looking for that same smile. Out of the corner of my eye I notice a pumpkin that seems to be grinning but then I realize that it is Terry Schaivo. I spot no smiling vegetables and definitely none with boobs or big yellow teeth.

???: Whatever you say I guess. Anyway, Why are you and the girlfriend smiling?

MS: Because Terry is about to get her wish.

???: Wish? What wish? I thought you just said she is a vegetable. Do all of these vegetables have wishes?

MS: Listen asshole. Don't you watch the news? My vegetable had a heart attack, that's what turned her into a vegetable. Before that, she told me that if she ever turned into a vegetable that she would rather die. Now the court's said that she can finally die. I can finally yank her feeding tube. No more vegetable.

???: Courts? Why courts? Did you guys really talk about that? I mean about what if you were a vegetable? I like to imagine what it would be like if I was a bicycle seat. I always talk about that with everybody.

MS: Geez, somebody ought to yank your feeding tube. Courts because her "PARENTS" are saying some bullshit about how they LOVE her and like her the way she is. They think they know her wishes and LOVE her better than I do. Bullshit.

???: Hmmmmmn, I am a little confused. Why is that automatically bullshit?

MS: Look asshole. She is MY vegetable now. See this marriage license? That says that she is MY VEGETABLE!! MINE!!!!

Michael's girlfriend pinches his arm really hard.

Girlfriend: (angrily whispering with a huge smile on her face) Ours Michael, ours.

Terry leaks out a long squeaky fart ssssqueeeeeaaaaaaaaaaap. It doesn't smell like a vegetable, in fact it smells an awful lot like ham.

???: All right everybody calm down. Look I don't understand marriage and property laws all that well, but that vegetable came out of her mothers thing, she is half of her fathers genes. Don't you think you could at least use a little nicer tone? You can understand where they might be a little anxious about your claim to her as YOUR vegetable. Owning a carrot is one thing, but your carrot is smiling and farting.

MS: Which is exactly why I don't want them anywhere near MY VEGETABLE!!

???: So you don't even let them visit Terry? -- I mean your vegetable?

MS: NO! They want to keep it alive.

???: And you want to kill it.

MS: Not kill it you jerk. Let it die.

???: And how do you do that?

MS: Remove the feeding tube.

???: Starvation? Whoa... that's brutal. How long does that take?

MS: About a week. Dude remember she is a vegetable. It's like leaving a piece of fruit on the counter for a week.

Terry lets loose a thunderous belch. BUUUUUUURRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAHHHHP! I think I detect her smile grow fractions of a millimeter wider. She definitely has a satisfied glint in her eye that I recognize from my best belches.

???: A piece of smiling, farting fruit with boobs, hair and a big slobbering, toothy belching mouth maybe. Wait. Isn't starvation illegal? Like I got a ticket once for not feeding my dogs for two weeks. I was trying to teach them how to feed themselves, I thought my tough love would encourage them to get a job or something but they never figured out how to work the can opener. Why can't you just shoot her in the head or throw her in a pot of boiling water? Wouldn't that be quicker? More humane?

MS: I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!

???: Dude, be patient with me, I'm not very smart. Let me recap to see if I understand.

Terry is your vegetable
because you married her
she told you to let her die
if she ever got vegetablish
her parents say that they think she wants to live and is happy
and they point to her
smile
and farts
and burps
as proof
and they want her to live
and they will feed her every day forever if needs be
but you don't want that
because Terry wouldn't want that
and she is your property
and the best way to grant Terry her wish is to
kill her
by starvation
because shooting her
or beating her to death with a hammer
would be barbaric
even though you claim that
despite her smile
she has absolutely no feeling
and wouldn't know the difference anyway.

Am I missing anything?

MS: Yes.

???: Are you gonna tell me?

MS: Only if you won't tell anybody else.

???: I wouldn't dream of it.

MS: The life insurance policy I have only pays if she dies naturally. If I killed her with a hammer, although that would be much more humane than slow death by starvation, I wouldn't get jack squat.

???: Ahhhhhhhhhh, Now I get it. Nigga gatta get paid WOOT WOOT! Starve her. Biaaatchh!

MS: That's' what I'm talkin' bout holmes!

We both do high fives. Michael's girlfriend giggles with glee. Terry keeps on a'smilin'.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:

Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

1) the case is costing him money to keep fighting. he's already walked away from 2 seperate cash offers to keep her alive, one for 10 million, one for 1 million. it ain't about the money.

2) while her parents undoubtedly love her, they are also staunch catholics who are trying to impose their religious beliefs upon their helpless daughter.

3) the husband has been keeping her alive for 15 years, hoping against hope. at some point we all have to move on.

4) i agree that starvation is a cruel way to let her die. i would have suggested a painless injection of some sort, but we live in an absurd society.

5) zucchini.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:55 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

Accepting an actual cash offer would discredit his entire story. It would be suicide. Any idiot would know that if you did that you'd have to live the rest of your life dealing with an extremely angry public.

I know that he is already going to have to deal with that, but now it's a pissing match. cashing in on the life insurance is not like selling terry to the highest bidder. This is the only way he can feign dignity and hope to get away with it. If she is really a vegetable -- then who the fuck cares if she lives or dies? what's the diff? Sell her. Paint a sign on her head. use her as a sex toy. either you believe she is a living human worth humane treatment or you don't. ya cain't have it both ways.

Honestly, i don't really care what happens to any of them. but you need to at least be able to see the glaring hypocrisies on the other side of the debate too. as much as i like to target them and mock them, It ain't just the christians.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:06 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

and another thing. Who cares if catholics impose their views on vegetables? I wish they would make that a habit. although i would prefer that they baptize the tomatoes with the dunking method rather than the sprinkle method,

convert the fuck out of them pears! leave me the hell alone.

if the christians win, the vegetable lives. if the liberals win she gets cooked.

either way. i still prefer meat.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:17 PM

Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

you're right. personally, i don't care what happens to any of them. however, if forced to choose, i would say kill her on principle alone. it probably costs somewhere in the neighborhood of $10-20K per month to keep her vegetating, and I don't care who is paying it, its a waste of money. furthermore, if i was a vegetable, i wouldn't want my parents (who are christians) keeping me alive because of what, in my opinion, is some silly superstition. even if they think its what's right or best.

if he just wanted to "cash in on life insurance", i imagine he would have done it years ago. i think the financial motives are just the easy case to make for the right-to-lifers.

like yourself, i hate when both sides of the political spectrum turn every issue into some kind of opportunity to win a pointles debate, but i think its pretty ridiculous that bush has yet to even mention the school shooting that took the lives of 8 non-vegetable children, instead dropping everything and rushing to florida to pander to his base of fundamentalist morons.

but yes, i also prefer meat.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:48 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

liberals need to be very careful what they say here. taking away the rights of a mother to make the crucial decisions regarding her helpless offspring is obviously advanced into the womb.

if i were in charge, i would enact the "i brought you into this world and i can take you out" law. life or death issues regarding offspring would belong soley to mom. if mom sherks her responsibilities or declines to accept them, then and only then, does it revert to the state.

state matters need to be decided by the democratic means set forth in the constitution of our republic.

although i dont care about the individual players much. the debate is neccessary and valid. there is way more to the debate than a veggie retard and christianity. property is the debate.

it all has to do with helmet laws. I am against helmet laws.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:10 PM

Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

http://www.spiritdaily.com/meditation.htm

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:37 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks for making me weep and cut off my penis. thanks.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:39 PM

bryon is a gaywad.

You two keep breaking merkley???'s First Cardinal Rule of Commenting. And I quote, "short comments are rad. Long comments are gay." Nuff said.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:02 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

busted.
alex and i are fags. well alex is anyway.

i'm the boss around here so i can do whatever the fuck i want.

now post a long comment bryon or YOU"RE gay. unless you really are gay, then you're a girl.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:06 PM

bryon is a gaywad.

Look ... you and I both know that I'm not nearly witty or clever enough to come up with a comment of any decent size length. The fact that I was able to squeeze out this beauty is accomplishment enough for one day.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:18 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

I disagree.
remember that story you told about cheese and design and logos and logan?

holy shit that story was long. AND FUCKING HILARIOUS!!

get some new photo's up on your site then. that's some good shit.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:22 PM

Digitalicat is a gaywad.

This post is wild.

Douche bag.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:02 PM

buttergun is a gaywad.

You should be the Libertarians poster boy when they launch their new campaign “We’re Ruthless but Consistent!”

p.s pay attention to me!

p.s.s. fuckenshiternationboober

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:32 PM

Jerry is a gaywad.

What happened to Terri should have happened to Chachi. merkley, you're sick, but damn on point. She is DEAD...anything that made her human is gone. They are just keeping a meatbag breathing. And they let us treat our fucking pets better, one shot and she's gone. Not that I think any part of her is suffering, but, Jeez!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:15 PM