Things To Say To A Dog or Retard

Unlike most dickhead humans, dogs have a good sense of humor. Okay, Maybe they don't --- but they are very very dumb and that's just as good. As long as one half is laughing, fucking hell yes.

Here are some awesome things to say to a dog while smiling and talking like a really happy retard. Actually, Do the voice outloud as you read this. Wave your arms aroound like a retard too, otherwise this post isn't funny. Do it. Don't argue with me. Jesus Christ, do it every single time you read anything on my gay-ass blog. It's the new rule.

Now. Again. Here are some awesome things to say to a dog while smiling and talking like a really happy retard.

Your brothers and sisters and parent's are all dead!

I'm having you put to sleep!

You will only live 15 years max and you're 12! I'm already thinking of your replacement!

You look gay when you poop!

My kind kills millions of your kind every year and you can't do anything about it! You're worthless!

You eat cat poop! That means you're dumber than a dumb cat!

I paid someone to scoop out your genitals and you love me! You're an idiot!

You can't even open the door! Even retards can open doors! Holy crap you're dumb!

You are my property! I own you just like a pair of socks or a candle! You're lame!

You fit in the oven! Dumbass!

Remember the puppies you had before I got you? They are probably all dead!

You have six boobs! They are *all* saggy and gross!

You're stupid! Go lick your nutts! Oh wait, You don't have any!

I bought you for $___, That's cheap!

I paid more to hollow out your HooHaa! You're officially worth less than discarded balls!

When you bark, you may as well be screaming "Idiot Alert!"

See this leash? Yeah, without it you'd get run over by a car! Dogs always get hit by cars! Because you're so DUMB!

You sniff ass! How GAY!

For a fun spin on the same game, switch to your deeply angry/disappointed "Who-Peed-On-The-Rug" voice and say stuff like:

We're going to the park.

Let's go outside.

Where is your ball.

We're going for a ride.

Come get your treat etc....

Don't wory about the momentary fear and shame that your dog experiences during this portion of your game. It just makes it all the more enjoyable for them when you switch back to "Happy-Retard" voice and inform them that they will not be the last dog that you ever love!

While we're on the subject, I have noticed and in fact even tested conclusively that actual retarded people are also incredibly sensitive to these same vocal inflections, gestures and body mannerisms. If you ever encounter a sad retard (truly one of the saddest heart-breaking sights in the world), don't be afraid to switch to your best "Wanna-Go-To-The-Park" voice and say:

"Hey Tony!! Wanna go to the park!!?"

I guarantee if that retard had a tail, it'd start wagging.

WARNING!!

Don't say stuff to any retard about their family being dead or putting them to sleep. I know I know.. It'd be hilarious and it would be BIG BIG fun for you and probably the retard, but you might get in BIG BIG trouble. These days it's highly likely that you'd land yourself in prison for some hate speech crime. Then you're the idiot prisoner getting your nutts clipped. --- Or tea bagged.