Things to Say to Homeless People

What's your email address? (Best if you say it with a french accent and you mime getting ready to write it down on your arm. Extra points if you're holding a Blackberry)

"You reeeeally smell like pee." (Best if they are minding their own business eating beans out of a paper cup.)

I'm sorry, I don't understand what you are saying to me because I don't speak English. (This ONLY works if english is your first language and you really a-nun-ci-ate. If not, see above because anything else you say would probably sound dumb. Especially if you are french. In that case, you smell like pee too so shut-up and leave our homeless people alone. Socialist Fag.)

I'll give you ten bucks if I can punch you in the arm. (Only works if you punch them in the arm no matter what they say and then throw a handful of change out into the street and yell "Weeee I'm Rich!!" Double extra points if you really are rich.)

Wow, you look terrible, you should go home and take a nap! (Best if you point at the nearest cardboard box or empty Big Gulp cup. A dumpster works too.)

Long day at the office eh? (Should be whispered to a sleeping homeless person and should ALWAYS be followed up with: Nice scabs!)

Sir, what you need to do is shave, and get a job like a real man. (Only works if said to a homeless woman with a child.)

Holy crap! You scared me! I thought you were dead. Dad? (Again, best said to a woman. Should be followed by a really long hug. Make sure to grab ass. Extra points if the bum is of a different race. Black male talking to white woman is best.)

Howe Squatting Bear. You bring shame upon our tribe Squatting Bear. Shame us no more Squatting Bear, get drunk Squatting Bear, here's a nickle Squatting Bear, gamble Squatting Bear. (This ONLY works if you can find a Native American hobo hanging out with a really pasty white hobo. Say it directly to the white hobo and wink when you give him a nickle for the slots. Extra extra points if you're only wearing a loin cloth and have a feather in your hair.)

Generally, it's nice to wait for them to approach you asking for money or offering to sell you plastic bags or a shoe. But hey, why wait. If you see a homeless person, walk staight up to them and start making offers. Remember, it's not your fault that they are homeless. But it is your fault if they get away with it.

I hope this was helpful.
I love you.
BFF