SideBar Free In 2003!

April 13, 2005

If I Was Cheetos™ Cheese Dust

If I was the San Francisco Giants, I would fire all the dudes and hire humongous bitches and then legally change my name to The San Francisco Va-Giants.

If I was a vagina, my favorite music would be Cuntry.

If I was the dead Pope, I would still give my weekly address, only I'd give it to the critters that are nibbling on my brain, wiener and feet. My message would be about pooping where you eat, because bugs will eat, then poop right there on the spot. Probably, some smart ass bug would say something about "Pope Poop" and all the other bugs would snicker. Then I'd remember the good old days when nobody was eating and pooping my brain and calling me "Pope Poop" TO MY FACE!!.

If I was a midget's chubby little fingers I would definitely avoid Cheetos™. Can you imagine little midget fingers covered in Cheetos™ Cheese dust? How could ANYONE not gobble them up immediately?

If I was Cheetos™ Cheese dust, I would sneak into a crop duster and dust myself all over San Francisco. People and fags would come out of their homes to an orange snow storm. They'd make gay looking Cheetos™ Cheese dust angels and everybody would lick each other and everything in sight except for vegans who would complain about "cheese and chemicals and George Bush's Corporate - Cheetos™ - Cheese - Dust - Halliburton - Conspiracy bullshit. Basically, it would be just like every other day in SF except covered in yummy cheese dust. YAY!!

If I was an egg I would seriously think to myself: "I resemble a gooey yellow eyeball swimming in fresh snot. I come out of a dirty chicken's vagina. I often smell like a fart. I even load up with little white squiggly fetus things -- sometimes even with a little blood on them. What the fuck? Is there nothing that will gross people out enough to stop eating me?" But then my mind would wander and I'd think: "Humpty Dumpty --- what a retard."

If I was former pro wrestler, turned Playboy model, turned Surreal Life cast member, turned porn star --- Chyna's adams apple, I would be trying to breathe really really quietly hoping that nobody found me hiding in her clitoris.


should I have put this warning BEFORE the link?

Now here's a picture I took of my friend Gwen Stefani sporting her brand new Merkley??? tattoo. It's all the rage.

That's all for now!
Dont get caught Picking and Flicking!
Your sexy lover,

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

I didn't click on the Chyna link (mostly because I'm afraid you've found pictures worse than what I've already seen) but I'll comment on it as if I did click.

What the hell kind of steroids does a woman have to take to make her clit grow into a little dick?


Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

the Va-giants! my transgender friends might be offended, but hey- if they had their dicks chopped off on purpose, they deserve what they get. Oh, on second thought, I wonder were they get the hotdogs and the baseball park? its a p-p-p-penis with relish on it! You! Merkley, made me spit out my soymilk. asshole.


Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

holy fuck that was terrifying its like a babie's penis complete with forskin and everything...fucking ewww....i am convinced there is a pee hole hiding there waiting to spurt out a tiny stream of semen.


Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

Nice temp. tattoo... hook a brother up!

Poop (since I read the rules)


Blogger amanwithanenormouspeniswhojustwantstobeloved is a gaywad.

In response to your question, a friend of mine posted my phone number as a joke. I wouldn't want any of my obsessed fans to see, so I deleted it. Man, I am sick and tired of all those fans I have.


Anonymous gabrielle is a gaywad.

Those hats are ugly. And I've seen that picture of Gwen Stefani on your website.

This post is ugly & redundant. Get on the ball, merkley??? I'm disappointed.

And LAME, someone made it a point to follow your rules. What are you, a cult leader???


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

just because you are a red headed, bearded, negro, eggfarting, cuntry hating midget who'd never make it past the first try-outs of the San Francisco Va-Giants due to your enlarged clitoris that looks like a baby penis, doesn't mean that you cant have a sense of humor.

just because this post was directed at you you go and get mad?

what a baby.


Anonymous buttergun is a gaywad.

I have met Chyna a couple of times, she gets her hair did at my friends salon. You couldn't really tell she was swingin meat. That plastic robe they make you wear must have been able to camouflage the goods.


Blogger Monkey is a gaywad.

You're a mad man Merkley - I love ya brother!!!

I saw the clit - holy cow!!!!!!!! (Loved the warning after the link BTW - you have class my friend!)


Anonymous cabbage rabbit is a gaywad.

is that a temporary tattoo or did you photoshop that in?
i'll send a self-addressed stamped envelope if you give me one. . .

friendster me your address



Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.


the steroid are called bigclitroids, do you need a hook-up?


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.


i like it when you mention soymilk and asshole like RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER.

seriously sexy.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

tell me about peeholes -- i was squinting for the whole three hours i examined that thing.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i'll bet you are a nice fella, but it creeps me out that you have the exact same name as my dad and you probably examined chyna's clitoris.

it's something i don't want to even think about.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.


well you certainly have a fan right here.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

well, maybe next time, we can only hope, you can lure her into the back room and get it on.

make her wear a condom though. lord knows where that nub has been.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

you're one to talk about mad men,

oh yeah, you're a monkey.

umm -- you are one MAD MONKEY!!

i'm not good with sanppy combacks sometimes.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

cabbage rabbit,
fake tattoo or photoshop? those are the only two options?
HELLO!!! it's totally one hundred percent REAL!!

never underestimate my powers, i mean the power of roofies.


Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.




Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

I didn't look at chyna's clit, I'm scurred. So don't be freaked out.


Blogger MC Sweet Roy is a gaywad.

Holy shit, that was a fucking funny post.

And that clit-dick is magnifique!


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

MC Sweet Roy,

Yeah, that clitoris -- i admit that i kinda want to touch it. Does that make me gay?


Blogger amanwithanenormouspeniswhojustwantstobeloved is a gaywad.



Anonymous Deleted is a gaywad.

I came, I saw, and now I feel obligated to go to confession...and I'm not even Catholic. At least I didn't click on the clit pic. I swear I didn't.


Anonymous Billy Bunks is a gaywad.

Somebody should carve that clit off and varnish it.


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