If I Was The Chromosome that People Need to Not Be Born Retarded...

If I was a boomerang, I would marry a pie. Our child would be in the funniest home video of all time and that's like a hundred grand right there.

If I was Johnny Cochran's brain tumor and they arrested me for killing him, I'd probably lay there in my jail cell thinking to myself "fuck, -- you IDIOT!"

If I was the pope on my death bed, I'd make up a bunch of stuff about how Whoopi Goldberg should be the next pope because of the work she did in Sister Act. Then I'd keep looking at my watch and furrowing my brow saying shit like: "Why can't Jesus at least just call, he always does this, if you're gonna be late, just say you're gonna be late. Jesus Christ! and then I'd act like I was text messaging him A LOT all the while mumbling "yeah -- Whoopi Goldberg -- she's the man."

If I was the chromosome that people need to not be born retarded, I think it would be one of those deals where I'd be like, I can't really show up late, so I may as well just call in sick. Then about noon I'd feel really guilty but then I'd probably think about what a vital part of the organization I am and then I'd start thinking about asking for a raise, but then I'd be realistic; it's not like I'm going to stop staying up all night drinking and doing coke with young hipster girls. Ultimately I'd just not show up or I'd go in late as usual. It's not like they can fire me.

If I was the second hand on a clock, every time I passed the minute hand I'd slap him really hard on the back of the head and every time I passed the hour hand I'd kick him in the crotch. Eventually, my rooster stock would go through the roof and I'd be set for life.

If I was a magnifying glass I would print a warning on myself that said "WARNING, fire ant's may be more on fire than they appear."

Now here's a picture I took of my friend Kelly Tunstall

That's all for now!!
Don't get caught sniffing your finger.
Your Pal,
merkley???