merkley???: I May Not Be God, But at Least I'm Real.: If I Was a Hilarious Racial Slur...

April 24, 2005

If I Was a Hilarious Racial Slur...

If I was the greatest cover band of all time, I would only have cute japanese members and we'd only do covers of songs by The Gap Band. We'd call ourselves The Jap Band.

If I was the most successful cover band of all time, I would call myself The Ramolling Stones and the only concern I'd have would be whether or not I was gonna be Mick or Joey. Douchebags of all variety would rock out to my suckiness. I would make money.

If I was The Jap Band, I might consider doing some Zapp covers as well.

If I was a bald Irish female negro singer who nobody ever thinks about anymore, I'd call myself Sinead O'COONer. Ha ha COON -- what an awesome racial slur, almost as good as Gook.

If I was that last joke, I would have been funny in 1989. ----- OK --- maybe not. Fuck off.

If I was a good way to end the conversation when everybody starts lying about how they actually know a girl named Merry Christmas or a dude named Dick Wiener I would probably start out saying I knew a kid named Butthole Wormpoop Assbooger.

If I was one of the dudes underneath those long chinese dragons you see at parades, I would try to make sure that I bargained my way into the postion where the dragons penis would be. During the parade I would fixate on all the wrong lady dragons causing my dragon to make some very stupid decisions. But then I'd probably be in big trouble later that day when the dude who played the dragons right hand tried to choke me and give me a full body massage.

If I was a Coma, I would change my name to Golf or Baseball just to avoid any lawsuits about false advertsing.

Lovely blinking images courtesy of Blink-O-Rama.

Now, here's a picture I took of my sexy friend Lisandra Ochoa. She Designs some very well made, very seductive handbags that almost make me wish I was a chick or a fag. Stop by and buy one for yourself or your girlfriend or your homo lover.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught peeing on your own hands even if it is in the dead of winter and you are only four and it's freezing and you exclaim that "it's waaaaarm" -- John -- my brother.

Signed,
Your favorite personal photographer of the band Creed,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:

Dashiell is a gaywad.

I loooorve Creed! They are so earnest!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:14 AM

Ben is a gaywad.

Obviously you never learned my lesson of "if you don't have anything nice to day, don't say anything at all". I'm very disappointed in you, again, my son. Not as disappointed as that time, when you were a teenager, and I caught you in our hot tub giving a reach around to that black fella, but disappointed nonetheless.

Sincerely,

Your father

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:51 AM

Bridget is a gaywad.

You forgot camel jockey. although, believe it or not, they are developing robotic jockeys for camel races- child labor laws are
ruining the middle east. rugs are more expensive now, too.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:28 AM

Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

if i was a hilarious racial slur, i'd be "alex fag", even though "fag" is a sexual preference, not a race. elementary school was hard.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:21 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

Dashiell,
Wanna join the Creed fan club I'm starting? It'll be fun, we'll rock out, go to church and of course all commit suicide on a windy moutain top.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:51 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

Ben,
You are not only an IMPOSTER, but you are a BAD imposter.

Reach around? perhaps. Hot tub? yeah right. If running through the sprinklers is a "HOT TUB" then maybe.

also, no black people in utah. TONGANS? yes.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:53 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

Bridget,

HA HA HA you said Camel -- they have HUMPS!

hmmn -- hump, lump, bump, stump, rump, jump, plump....

there is something about UMP that is just downright NAUGHTY.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:00 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

Alex,
FAG? that's the best they could do? what about Blaggot? or DoucheBlagg? -- or hell -- just the sound some homo barfing semen out of his stomach -- BLAAAAAAGG.

HARD? I would have made elementary downright HILARIOUS -- for everybody but YOU of course.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:07 PM

Billy Bunks is a gaywad.

Attn: Lisandra Ochoa

Sit up straight.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:27 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

billy,
trust me, if she sat up straight in that picture, I would have had to stand back another three feet. talk about STACKED.

Lisandra has excellent posture. It was a very relaxing moment. that, and she was pretending to be shy.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:27 PM

BillyBunks is a gaywad.

That’s 4 excuses / disclaimers. What’s with the vehement defending? Are you one of her 12 thoracic vertebrae, or part of their organising committee? Maybe you have shares in her spine? A vested personal and financial interest in the public’s confidence of her lumbar region, perhaps?
It’s a shame the things greed can do to a man.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:47 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

Nah,
just a friend -- that can really fuck things up for a guy like me.

hmmmmn -- almost makes me boring -- ALMOST

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:25 AM

Monkey is a gaywad.

ROFLMAO!!!

HILARIOUS shit today Merkley!!! I'm proud of you brother!!!

Go Merkley Go!!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:27 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

Thanks Monkey! You're the BEST!

for those of you who aren't net geeks, ROFLMAO means:

Retards On Fire Licking Maggots Assbooger Ontario!

It's a compliment.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:06 PM

Billy Bunks is a gaywad.

You know what I'd like to see...
'Directors Cut' versions of all these birds, taken with a disposable camera, 'un-posed', like at a party or something and scanned as is, with no photoshopping whatsoever.
Not that I'm saying I think they wouldn't be attractive, they are all quite pretty. It would just be interesting to see.
While I'm at it, I'd also like to see a drunk Russian with a Machete fight 3 to 5 wolves to the death in an empty pool.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:25 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

Arranging the russian and 3 to 5 wolves would be easier for me than NOT manipulating my photographs to better reflect my experiences with these people.

I rarely allow a machine to tell my human story. It doesn't make sense. Machines can be incredible liars. Most of them are completely lazy assholes with no regard for human beings whatsoever.

They must be told what to do. OR THEY LIE and get it ALL WRONG.

However Billy, I may be able to score you some used panties. Just don't tell the 3 to 5 wolves.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:40 AM