Tire Swing!

Remember that time when I ate that weird hamburger in a pouch and I ended up in the future and the world was all fueled by pig farts and Martha Stewart was killing bitches left and right?

Yeah, well I ate some more and now I'm in the future again. Only this time I'm like all old and stuff. My ball sack is like four inches long, I have age spots on top of age spots. The hair growing out of my ears is like another four inches -- that's like eight inches of disgusting right there. Can age spots hump other age spots? Get off her!

Holy shit, my toenails are seriously like big orange pieces of frisbee sized butterscotch candies. I wonder If they taste as yummy as they look. My big toenail has a split in it so wide that I apparently rented it out to a veitnemese family and they started a goat farm in it -- mountain goats, I have fucking mountain goats head butting each other in my fricken split toenail.

When did I get all tattooed and shit? They are all so blurry that it's hard to make out what they are. Something is tattooed on my penis, looks like maybe -- I don't know -- I think I can make out the words midget and negro and something about praying. Why is my penis so grey and dead looking? Sure is lumpy. That's interesting. Wow, I think I'd like to rub that lumpy penis on my sore feet.

Looks like I ended up getting a full back tattoo of Tattoo (Herve Villechaize) from Fantasy Island, cept he's not saying "DE PLANE, DE PLANE" like he did on the TV show, he is instead saying "DE PLAN, DE PLAN" and he his pointing directly at my butthole. What plan? Did I turn gay? My Johnson doesn't seem to be responding to anything right now.

Holy shit, I just noticed my prostate is fucking HUGE -- is it supposed to be sticking out of my butt like this? I can't even tuck it back in, it just keeps plopping back out -- holy crap, it totally makes a sound when I do it. Listen ------- can you hear that? I need to learn how to do audio posts. It's a total cliche bottle pop sound -- that's weird -- why the fuck is it doing that? Oooooooh no... there's my answer. I have a bottle stuck up my butt. What the? Ouch -- let me just pull this out of ooooooowwwwwww. Wow? why the fuck did I have a bottle up my butt? I don't even drink soy milk -- holy fuck, please tell me I'm not vegan.

Am I doing this all on my own? There are no signs of any visitors, must be the vietemese family.

Shit, from what I can tell, I have been living here for years. I can't quite make out where I am, it's a trailer, that much is obvious. That pillow I was planning on making out of Chico when he died is on the couch -- he doesn't look so good. I probably ate Butterface.

Well hey -- I guess I'll just post things as I notice them. Last time I ate that future hamburger I think it took me a few days to get back, and to tell you the truth, I don't remember how I got back -- seems like I came out of a nipple of some sort.

I wish I knew vietnemese, I'd talk to my toenail family. Sounds like they are having a party -- ope -- nope -- just slaughtering a goat. I'm hungry.

HEY! don't swing on THAT!! -- Damn vietnemese kids think my ball sack is a tire swing -- GET OFF THAT!!

Sorry, I gotta run --something is leaking -- I think I may need diapers.

End of future post.

Now, here's a picture I took of my friend Sarah. She is an excellent hair stylist. She has a new hairdo every hour.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught measuring the length of your own nutt sack!

Your grade A, number one polyp,
merkley???