merkley???: I May Not Be God, But at Least I'm Real.: Could It Really Be This Easy? I'm Asking.

May 06, 2005

Could It Really Be This Easy? I'm Asking.

AIM IM with QualifiedWoman (name changed to protect the beautiful)

9:30 a.m.

merkley???: wanna have kids?

30 second pause

merkley???: i'll take that as a yes.
merkley???: when should we start?
QualifiedWoman: yes... can we have 5?
merkley???: as many as you like.
QualifiedWoman: 3 boys and two girls.
merkley???: fine
merkley???: done
merkley???: when are you ovulating next?
QualifiedWoman: perfect
QualifiedWoman: two weeks
merkley???: ok
merkley???: where shall we meet?
QualifiedWoman: hmmmm
merkley???: where is the best place to conceive?
QualifiedWoman: salt lake... that is where i was conceived... u???
merkley???: me too
merkley???: hmmn
merkley???: weird
merkley???: i didn't know you were conceived there
merkley???: i was born in canada though
QualifiedWoman: yep... at my grandma's house
merkley???: eeewwww thats creepy
QualifiedWoman: I was born in santa monica
QualifiedWoman: I know... but it is the same house my mom grew up in
merkley???: your parents did it at grandmas?
QualifiedWoman: yuck I know.
QualifiedWoman: they did it in her room
QualifiedWoman: grosssssss
merkley???: boy or girl first?
merkley???: let's stay focused
QualifiedWoman: girl.
merkley???: can you control that?
QualifiedWoman: then three boys
QualifiedWoman: and then the other girl
merkley???: girl as the oldest?
merkley???: hmmn
merkley???: that's fine
merkley???: you choose all of that stuff
merkley???: that's your job
QualifiedWoman: nice
merkley???: do you have names picked out?
QualifiedWoman: yes... lucy, spencer, alicia,
merkley???: two more for dudes...
QualifiedWoman: I do not think they match
QualifiedWoman: homer
QualifiedWoman: and..
merkley???: homer is funny
merkley???: i'm for it
QualifiedWoman: homer is great
merkley???: especially because of simpson
QualifiedWoman: and bart
merkley???: do you have to break up with anyone?
merkley???: or can we just get started?
merkley???: i can inform them if you desire.

30 second pause

merkley???: i'll take that as meaning that you are single and ready to go.
merkley???: should we inform our parents of our intentions?
merkley???: or shoud we surprise them?

30 second pause

merkley???: don't go changing your mind now,
merkley???: we are on the right track here.
QualifiedWoman: let's surprise everyone.
merkley???: ok
QualifiedWoman: and not tell them until I am showing.
QualifiedWoman: so for a while they will just think I am fat.
merkley???: i will start saving sperm.
merkley???: that way -- when it comes time,
merkley???: we can overload and strike gold right off the bat.
merkley???: although i am extreeeeemly fertile.
merkley???: my sperm can crawl across the street.
QualifiedWoman: ha
QualifiedWoman: gross visual
merkley???: tough little bastards
merkley???: they are very cute
merkley???: all of them are very cheery
QualifiedWoman: Ok. need to get to work
QualifiedWoman: let's talk later
merkley???: ok
QualifiedWoman: adios
QualifiedWoman: daddy
merkley???: put it on the calendar
merkley???: bye

Now here is a picture I took of that very same qualified woman. Her name is Jen and she has been my partner in crime in cities all over the United States of America.

Actual funny things coming SOON -- I swear on my dog's eight boobies.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught snooping in a hot chicks medicine cabinet for pregnancy tests!

Your favorite sperm machine,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:

Digitalicat is a gaywad.

Three little merkleys??? and two little merkettes???

Yikes.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:15 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

egads

is more like it.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:28 PM

Ben is a gaywad.

You're a pimp.... on the internet, that is.

I thought I raised you better than that my son. I remember for your 16th birthday, I wanted to make a man out of you, so I bought you a BJ from a local street whore. I remember the happy look on your face, I will never forget that.. that was the day you became a man.

Good luck with this internet dating thing, I'm sure that will work out nicely.

Sincerely,

Ben

P.S. Sorry that the hooker turned out to be a guy. I should have guessed it though, what with that beard and adam's apple and all.... but I just couldn't turn down a $5 BJ!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:26 PM

gabrielle is a gaywad.

merkley,
if you want kids, it'd be way cooler if you had a whole mess of them & started a little baby army.

then make them start a war with monaco. that'd be so killer--hahah A PUN.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:36 PM

Toms Thumb is a gaywad.

In answer to your question, simply put, no. Why not you ask? Because we live in a complicated world. Take today for instance- I'm on my way to work, and I'm behind schedule. Then I start to sense a pattern in the traffic lights. They somehow know I'm coming and are green until I get there, then quickly go red and stay that way for a couple minutes. For no reason. There are no other cars on the road, its 5:00 am. Its a traffic light conspiracy. I go thru 47 traffic lights on my way to work, I'm behind schedule and now I have to deal with this. So, I'm sitting at the 32nd red light in a row and I doze off. A large fart awakens me. And I think I hear what this fart is saying,"Wake up the light is green." The first thing I do is cuss the monkey balls I had for dinner, bad monkey balls, bad smell. But then I see this could be a good thing. If I could get my trucks computer to learn this new fart talking code I could maybe sneak in under the traffic lights radar when I'm behind schedule. The lights won't know I'm coming if my trucks computer is speaking in N. American Fart Code, right? Sorry for being excessive, but like I said,"We live in a complicated world."

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:51 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

tom dumont,,
You rule.

ya fag!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:12 PM

Toms Thumb is a gaywad.

Merkley, If your last comment was in reference to my earlier post, thank you. I do not wish to correct you or change you in any way. But I have met Tom Dumont and I am no Tom Dumont. Sorry for the confusion, next time I see you the Monkey Balls are on me. Does Slims serve them yet?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:09 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

Tom's thumb,
I stand corrected. while my pal dumont does in fact rule, i would hate to wrongly attribute your comment to him. --- the link goes to tom's and ted's site.

so -- thank you for clearing that up, and thank you for your etertaining comment.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:16 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
fighting babies, i'm for it.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:18 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

imposter ben,
ha! wrong again! my first blow job was only a few months ago and it wasnt a hooker, it was a carnival worker!

you weren't even close.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:20 PM

Billy Bunks is a gaywad.

On a vaguely related note: The ghosts of dead grandmothers have been known to sit on the foots of mens beds when they masturbate.

They see your come face and they watch you when you wipe it up with a sock.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:04 PM

Bridget is a gaywad.

I think I'm in love with meanbn 'ol Billy, listed in gramma-wanker comment above. Where you live at?

Homer is the said to have written the Illiad and the Oddessy. But dont believe it, besides, the cartoon version is much better. Homer Simpson is a character in the amazing book, Day of the Locust by Nathanial West.

Merkley, why you had to tell about the crawling sperm? If I, god forbid, ever have a baby, I'm naming it Potemkin.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:53 PM

Billy Bunks is a gaywad.

And ‘Nathanial West’ is in turn, a character in the amazing motion picture ‘Cum Splatter Orgy 4’.

True story: As I wrote that lie about Nathaniel West, a very fat lady rode past my window on a bicycle and the only way it could possibly have looked any funnier is if her bicycle was a Penny-Farthing.
Note: If she spent less time eating and more time studying road safety she would have been wearing a helmet.

I consider sights like that just another benefit of living in what is apparently the ‘World’s most liveable city’.

(insert dramatic Orchestra music here, then fade to silent / black)

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:28 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

hey bridget,
since he won't say, it seems Mr. Billy Bunks is from Melbourne Australia and is heralded in some circles as one of Australia's premeire freestyle rappers, part of the apparently notorious "Hired Goons" squad.

If his clever remarks here are any indication, it's is certainly no surprise. Man can turn a phrase.

Ahh google,

sir bunks, how about linking us to some of your music

anyway, gotta run, i got a show to do for grandma.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:46 AM

Billy is a gaywad.

Right now, I am both mortified and aroused.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:48 PM