merkley???: I May Not Be God, But at Least I'm Real.: Forgiveness, The New Hit Realty TV SHOW

May 18, 2005

Forgiveness, The New Hit Realty TV SHOW

I invented this show last night and it's terrific!

Here's the deal:

A chainsaw weilding multi-bazillionaire sneaks up on a subject and without asking any questions, saws off one of their limbs. No debate. No negotiating. Just straight up saws it off. Plop. Medical experts are there to apply tourniquets and what not so the poor loser doesn't die. Then the subject is handed a phone on which he can dial 911 but other options are explained to him:

The multi-bazillionaire asks the limbless goon:

"How much cold hard cash will it take for me to buy your forgiveness and keep you from calling the cops or pressing charges?"

Of course the wussie subject would scream and holler about "principal this" and "sick motherfucker that" but then the mutli-bazillionaire explains:

"Look, your leg is gone. We already dissolved it in acid. Sending me to jail is not going to change that. Also, suing me isn't going to yield one penny because my money is locked up in swiss bank accounts and blah blah blah... but I am a multi-bazillionaire and even though what I did is terrible this is your chance to make me pay for what I did. Name your price. How much is your forgiveness going to cost me in American dollars?"

The subject cries like a little baby but thinks about it and says;

"Oh, I don't know -- 5 million dollars" or whatever other price he has in his stupid head.

SOLD!! A check is written and the show is over.

BUT, here is the twist, the viewing audience gets to vote on what price is reasonable and if the person goes over that amount, it is explained to them that they are greedy and unrealistic and then they are shot in the eyeball or otherwise killed. YAY!! Greedy homo amputee.

GREED IS WRONG! Finally a show with a moral -- a LESSON. That's what TV needs.

Oh yeah, it can be filmed in India too. Everyone knows that Indian limbs are much cheaper than American limbs -- anyway - THE VIEWERS WILL DECIDE!!

I'm thinking FOX or UPN. Flavor Flav or Donald Trump hosts -- maybe together.

Shout-outs to Bing Ji Ling for thinking of INDIA!

the end

Now here is a picture I took the other night at Bottom of The Hill of my good friend Elizabeth Davis. She plays the bass for Von Iva. I met her when she used to play in a band called 7 Year Bitch and I interviewed them for a Salt Lake City Music magazine called Grid way back in 1995. We have been friends ever since.

That's all for now!

Don't get caught over estimating the price of your useless severed limb --- douchebag!

Your kind and gentle humanitarian pal,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:

invincibleoverlord is a gaywad.

Greed is an expression of what I consider to be a central trait of most mammals: the instinct to accumlate valuable resources such as food and shelter). For instance you, Merkley, accumulate burritos. And you do it well. As do I. The problem for me is that when another mammal, or worse a corporation (which is a cooperative of mammals) tries to pry the Burritos out of my mouth. That's when I pull out my Numbchucks and administer a healthy beating. Which is exactly what the contestants in your TV gameshow should be allowed to do as a twist at the end when the Bazillionaire thinks it's over and it in the back hallway on the way to his limo.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:08 PM

Deleted is a gaywad.

The old testament says a limb for a limb.

The new testament says that if the offender asks for forgiveness, then you should forgive them.

period.

But the multi bazillionaire would have to be genuinely sorry. you know, repentent.

The real question is: it possible for a multi bazillionaire to feel sorry when they have an objectivist point of view?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:36 PM

Deleted is a gaywad.

but if it were up to me, i'd tie the bazillionaire up, cut his fucking balls off and make him eat them whole.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:02 PM

William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Who cares what the Bible said,

“However, what she withheld from the infant, she bestowed with the utmost profuseness on the poor unknown mother, whom she called an impudent slut, a wanton hussy, an audacious harlot, a wicked jade, a vile strumpet, with every other appellation with which the tongue of virtue never fails to lash those who bring a disgrace on the sex.”

Henry Fielding. (1707–1754). The History of Tom Jones.
The Harvard Classics Shelf of Fiction. 1917.

Book I. Containing as Much of the Birth of the Foundling as Is Necessary or Proper to Acquaint the Reader with in the Beginning of This History
IV. The Reader’s Neck Brought into Danger by a Description: His Escape; and the Great Condescension of Miss Bridget Allworthy

It bears little relevance, but it’s the History of Tom Jones for crying out loud, and its sounds fucking cool. ‘Impudent Slut’. Jesus can’t beat shit like that.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:45 PM

Digitalicat is a gaywad.

Has Fox called you about this yet?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:04 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

dumont,
No fucking way.
The conestants don't get to bite back. this reality show is about the imporance of MONEY in dealing with heavy emotional and physical issues,

you can do your own show about vengance.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:06 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

deleted,

the multi-bazillionaire doesnt have to be sorry -- he is rich. sorry is for poor people.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:07 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

bunks,
i didn't understand any of that. but you're right. it sounded fucking cool.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:09 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

digiboner,
no -- fox hasn't called yet -- they will probably just read my blog and steal my idea like they did with The Simpsons, which i totally invented.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:10 PM

Dashiell is a gaywad.

I think that to be fair, if the person guesses the audience's value exactly, they get their limb sewn back on by George Clooney and Noah Wyle.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:59 AM

Bridget is a gaywad.

My friends have a show called "copters" they're cops and doctors- first they shoot the criminalas, then they treat their wounds. AWESOME. gore + compassion = funny.

Billy- I like a little Tom Jones with my coffee. Who played him in the movie? tomorrow I'd Like a little Moll Flanders with my latte.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:36 AM

buttergun is a gaywad.

You should do a spin off called “Someone Up There is Looking Out for Me.”

The contestants are dudes from “Real TV” who have had near death experiences like the cord breaking 50 yards above ground while they are bungee jumping resulting in 90% of their bones turning into talcum powder and the six month later interview quotes them saying “Yeah, I’m a lucky guy. God was really looking out for me that day.”

So you take those guys and set up horrible accident after accident to befall them without telling them they are part of your sassy new show. After each accident re-interview them and monitor every instance of said dumb ass thanking the lord. What he doesn’t know is there is a million dollar stash waiting for him but each time he thanks the lord $100,000 is taken out of the pot. When he finally loses faith in god he gets what is left of the money.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:37 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,
Done. that is an awesome bonus. good reality requires bonuses.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:37 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

Bridget,
Now I REALLY want TIVO.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:38 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

Buttergun,

That Idea kicks the shit out of my idea. That may very well be one of the best ideas EVER.

Somebody call Al Gore, I hear he knows someone that knows someone that knows how to start up a new network or internet or fax machine.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:41 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

buttergun,

OK i thought about it and decided that your idea is THE abosolute best idea EVER in the history of the world. but it is my duty to inform you that since it appeared in the comments section of my website, the copyright belongs to me.

you have to read the fine print.

i know, rough break, BUT -- since i am benevolent, you can apply to be one of the first contestants and we will turn a blind eye to the fact that you hate god --- thus insuring you ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!!

oh yeah, and talcum powder bones.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:50 PM

Ben is a gaywad.

I'm bored. You're boring. I always wished you were a girl, in fact, I tried to throw you in the river when you were born but apparently they have laws against that.

Next time, make that girl with the big who who's take her top off. Do it for dear old dad!

Sincerely,

Your father

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:32 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

Imposter Ben,

My real dad NEVER gets bored.

you know what they say, bored people are usually boring.

hey, i know -- GO TO THE GYM!!! That's FUN.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:36 PM

Deleted is a gaywad.

Well, Merkley, in that case I think we should make a spin off series where mobs of poor people chase one rich person around the globe, the goal being to capture him and flay his penis while he is still alive. There could be stops at many scenic and exotic places throughout the world.

You could call it "The Amazing and Satisfying Race"

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:53 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

Deleted,
Che Guevara already tried to make that movie.

I think Michael Moore would be up for it -- give him a ring.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:04 PM

rebecca (BG) is a gaywad.

I'm glad to see that with all of our differences we have something we can bond over, the mockery of god.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:22 AM

TM is a gaywad.

Merkley, you do realize that you are crazy, don't you?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:54 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

rebecca,

i'm a uniter not a divider, except with limbs. limbs should be divided.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:56 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

ted,

crazy like a FOX!!

FOX TV!! Who stole my idea for "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire."

I totally thought of OPRAH first too.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:58 PM

B is a gaywad.

blah blah blah

that's one reality tv show i would watch.

my mate fucked my shit up once so i made her sit through survivor until she apologised for fucking my shit up. it took her 20 seconds

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:12 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

billie,

how did you make her watch it? gun? glue? threats? was she pinned down?

sounds like a good story.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:26 PM

B is a gaywad.

let me just say i am the cleverest EVER and if anyone wants me to trick someone into believing theyre about to watch ben stiller (ROCK ON BEN YOURE THE BRILLIANTEST)and in 0.242 seconds be sat on, pinned down and slapped in the face, then im your girl... i tell everyone i tortured her 'survivor style' and they all imagine that i threw her on a deserted island and told her to start eating her own leg (which is basically what i did)

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:52 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

billie,

leg -- yum. now i'm hungry.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:23 PM