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May 20, 2005

Penis + Vagina = Spanking

My Dad only spanked me once.

My parents divorced when I was less than 2 years old. I don't even remember them ever being together. During the week I lived in my mothers household with all the billions of step brothers and sisters (a.k.a. invaders) and my sister and two halfies. On the weekends I lived at my dad's with my sister and four halfies.

Across the street from my dad's house lived an ugly girl named Sheila. She was not only ugly, she was a smarmy little bitch. I never liked her. She smelled like baby food. Strained peas even.

One day, completely unprovoked, she yelled at me from across the street. She yelled;

"Merkley is a PEEEEENISSSSS!"

So I yelled back:

"Sheila is a VAGIIINAAAA!"

Remember, I lived in Utah. Mormons have trouble with nasty words like penis and vagina and this was long before anyone ever used these words outside a laboratory. All the neighbors gasped simultaneously causing a great drop in outside air pressure triggering tornadoes and hurricanes and pulling farts out of every butt for miles. Phones began ringing, newspapers were called. Infants ears were filled with Drano to cleanse them of the filth...

Eventually, Jesus Christ himself appeared to my father and he said unto him:

"Harvey, your son must be punished for his evil deeds. Take him high upon the mountain and smear him with goat blood and light him on fire!"

Luckily, my father never really did follow the letter of the law. Even more lucky still is that there is no such thing as a talking, floating Jesus. I totally made that whole part up.

What really happened is that for some weird reason, my father thought that I needed to apologize to this ugly cunt. This was totally out of character for my dad. He was usually the one telling everyone to relax.

That evening he firmly grabbed my hand marched me across the street, rang the bell, we were admitted into the stinky house where we both stood at the door. My father kindly announced:

"My son has something he would like to say to your daughter."

"No I don't"

"My son would like to apologize to your daughter." He said again but this time quite slowly and deliberately."

"No --- I ---- would ----- not." I said even MORE slowly and more deliberately. "She called me a PENIS and I called her a VAGINA, big deal, why should *I* have to apologize?"

Apparently, despite my dead on logic and rational, reasonable argument, repeating such ghastly scientific terminology was not what was needed right then.

"Well I apologize on behalf of my son."

I was then marched home, ushered into my fathers office where I received my first and only bare assed spanking. to be honest, it kinda hurt, but the whole time I was thinking:

"This is perfect. One day I will be an adult and I will hold this over my dad's head and embarrass him for his lack of self control and being overwhelmed by his stupid ego and pride being bruised."

And I have been embarrassing my dad with that story ever since. He is a good sport. He laughs every time. He has to, he was TOTALLY WRONG and I was TOTALLY RIGHT.

HA!

I sure do love my dad. He is the best dad in the world.

the end.

Now here is a little photograph I made yesterday of my friend Quinn Luke (a.k..a. Bing Ji Ling) and some hot chick named Alannah and all of her sisters. Click on it to see a bigger version.




Then, I made into a flyer for our next show at The Rickshaw Stop on June 4th. Click on it to see a bigger version.




That's all for now!

Don't get caught yelling VAGINA in a mormon town!

Your VAAAAAGIIIIINNNNAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH yelling buddy,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous gabrielle is a gaywad.

....so you've ALWAYS hurt little girls' feelings huh?

nice story.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
personally, i think she WANTED me to call her a vagina. don't little girls usally act nasty towards the little boys they want to kiss?

had i only known the secret ways back then, we might possibly be divorced now dear old sheila and i.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

My sister called my dad a nigger once.
I've never seen him move so fast in my life.
First, he had to explain what it meant, then he had to punish her for using it.
She got in so much trouble that we totally and completely fetishized that word. we even called our dolls and stuffed animals niggers behind closed doors. Our family is caucasian, as far as we know...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,

i totally understand. after the spanking, i basically became obsessed with vaginas, i even had one installed on the end of my arm. some people say it looks like a hand...

but trust me,

it's a real vagina.

!

 

Blogger Toms Thumb is a gaywad.

Beat that thing like it owed you money?

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Hey, thats a great photo.

You should have strolled over there and cracked her fucking face open with a brick.

http://home.hetnet.nl/~sterretjes/annee.html

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

You're dad sounds like a great guy. You're lucky.

Great poster.

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

I meant great photo.

 

Blogger bardot is a gaywad.

when i read the title of today's essay, i totally thought it was about naughty things...

damn, i was disappointed.

although, i was slightly excited during the part you were spanked.

rrrrrrawr.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thumb,
beating. you're so violent.
a vagina caresses.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bunks,
thanks.
but i think cracking her in the face would have been unwarranted.

honestly, the penis thing didn't bother either one of us much. for all i know, had the adults not stepped in, the conversation could have evolved into: THROBBING PENIS! --- SLIPPERY VAGINA!! and we might have ended up doing it in her fathers camper,

now i know why the adults were upset. 10 year olds havng sex in the camper?

jealousy is wrong.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

deleted,

LUCK is right.

usually i HATE that word. but in the case of parents and who you get as yours. well THAT really is luck.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bardot,

maybe i can write a fictionalized version about the whole camper scenario and send it to you.

i'm that kind of guy.

i'm a giver.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

I've met sheila and she is a total vagina.

 

Anonymous halfie#1 is a gaywad.

Ahhhh, I knew this story would hit the blog eventually. Merkley???, you're forgetting some details. (Sheila) was adopted, being raised by a devoutly Lutheran mother, and who was snooty about it. (I know - I couldn't get away with even genital euphamisms around their house). Now Harvey had to save face in front of her. The forced appology and spankings were necessary to show whatever Lutheran was paying attention that Mormons could dish out a licking as cold as a Lutheran guilt trip - Go Harvey! It was an epic bare-assed spanking. I think he ADDED rings to his fingers. Your screaming was sooooo tragic. Even MY begging wasnt stopping him, so I just I wept for you in the backyard while eating a sandwich in the dark. (I think it was grilled cheese...I love grilled cheese).

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Halfie#1

Ha! yet another Imposter!!

I didn't cry! and all my siblings laughed!

you see, pointing and laughing is a long standing tradition in my family.

But I do like your version of events. had I found you in the back yard whimpering i am nearly certain I would have made fun of you. and convinced you that the cat turds in the sand box were gum drops!

yummy.

 

Blogger B is a gaywad.

that pic of the green house and shit is LOOSE! i think i wanna move in

 

Anonymous shotbart is a gaywad.

This is so fucking hilarious :D

Just discovered it from the 1990 archives... hey, why don't you write a Memories book? Could sell millions... ;)

 

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