Things To Do Today (Another Hilarious Suicide Post)

Wake up.
Immediately think of suicide for ten minutes.
Think about how you are too good for the world and nobody understands just how wonderful you are.
Then think about how many friends you have.
Wow.
You have a lot of friends.
Some of the highest quality friends ever and they really like you.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You're the luckiest man alive except for anyone who gets to be on the Harlem Globetrotters maybe.
Girls like you, young girls even.
Everybody likes you.
Especially the people you admire.
Why are you so ungrateful?
You really must be a dick to have it so good and yet the first thing you think of when you wake up is suicide you ungrateful pansy assed fuck.
Maybe it's because of the alcohol.
Maybe you are an alcoholic.
Nah.
You don't even like alcohol.
You only drink it because you want to laugh and treat people well.
Check your blog stats.
Few more people than last week.
Somebody in New Mexico.
I wonder if it's a funny girl.
Probably a fag.
Man you used to be a jerk.
Pffft, what are you saying?
You're still a jerk.
Unfortunately you are the kindest most sensitive person you know.
All the more reason to kill yourself.
Holy shit.
This beard is out of control.
You look like fucking Santa Claus.
Nobody understands.
Fuck'em.
Kill yourself.
That'll learn'em.
Wow, you really are a jerk.
Your whole thing is bullshit.
How can you simultaneously act like you love your friends and want to punish them all by blowing your brains all over the bedroom?
Ooooh -- what about the dogs?
Would they eat your brains if you blew them out?
That would be gross.
Or cool.
I should set up a video camera.
Too much work.
Pills.
As if.
You still gag taking aspirin.
You should fix the sheets.
Laying on a bare matress is disgusting.
If you kill yourself -- you should leave the sheets like they are.
It looks more desperate --- better for the cop photos.
Plus -- how retarded would those DNA tests be.
You should be naked too.
Stick something up your butt.
That'll keep the gay joke going.
People love that shit.
Write "Dennis Kucinich" on your penis first.
Now that's drama.
Who would find you?
Would the dogs cry and alert the neighbors?
Nah.
They'd be licking your brains.
Dude. You have to go to the post office -- they stopped delivering your mail a month ago -- you probably have overdue tax notices you need to read -- you can't fuck with the government.
On the other hand, If you kill yourself, you don't have to go to the post office or pay taxes.
Seriously, you need to change your sheets.
They are disgusting.
That gum from last week totally looks like a poop smudge now.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Go back to sleep.
Dream about having sex with Oprah again.
That dream was great.
If you kill yourself you don't have to change the sheets.
There's that KOIT commercial again.
Kill that bitch instead.
Then kill yourself.
Dude, you don't even have a clean shirt to wear and you have a billion shirts.
You are a fucking pig.
If you're dead, you don't have to do laundry.
Holy shit your armpits smell like meatloaf.
Fix the hot water heater.
That black stuff can't be good.
You'll probably be sued by your tenants.
If you killed yourself they could just have the house.
Who would you give your house if you died?
Quinn?
Fuck no.
You give him too much already.
You should give it to your real little brother or your sister.
Ahh fuck it.
They don't give you anything.
Nobody ever gives you anything.
Bridget gave you that brass question mark today.
You should kill yourself with that thing.
That would be rad.
No it wouldn't.
How lame.
Question marks.
Wow dude, you are soooooo deep.
You and a million wacky hippies who juggle and rollerblade.
Kill yourself.
Do it.


I'm too lazy.


Just like I thought.
You don't mean it.
You'll never kill yourself.
It's too dramatic.
Plus, if you're gonna put in the effort, you may as well do something productive.
How gay is suicide?
Only pussies kill themselves.
It's soooo mid nineties.
Write a fucking blog entry.
Go read Raymi.
Maybe she killed herself.

Wow.
This is worse than Rosie O'Donell's blog.

Top six favorite drunken misspellings from above post before spell check:

6. frooendx
5. alcohool
4. asspirni
3. Opraah
2. rollerbleedas
1. fucknig

That's all for now!

Don't get caught blabbing on and on about suicide on the world wide internet website!

Your favorite care free fella,

merkley???