merkley???: I May Not Be God, But at Least I'm Real.: 100% Effective Cure For Hiccups.

June 06, 2005

100% Effective Cure For Hiccups.

Since I was a little kid and some asshole told me about standing on your head and drinking a glass of water to cure hiccups (no I didn't try it), I have thoroughly enjoyed inventing my own retarded cures for the ailments and conditions of others. Surprisingly, I'm guessing due to the placebo effect, my cures are just as good as any of the others only much much much more fun to watch.

For hiccups, have the patient:

1. Grasp nose firmly between thumb and fore finger.

2. Pull outwards away from the face.

3. Relax the mouth so that the upper lip gets pulled away from the face too.

4. Insert the other thumb and fore finger between the upper lip and two front teeth.

5. Grab that little piece of weird skin that connects the lip to the upper gums. For this cure I have named that skin the "lip ligament", it doesn't matter what it's really called. Insist that you know what it's called because you read medical journals.

6. Gently pull lip ligament downwards.

7. Think about ducks.

8. Hee haw like a donkey.

Make sure to keep a straight face. If the patient begins laughing explain to her that getting punched in the stomach also cures hiccups and would she prefer that.

If the hiccups go away (believe it or not they often do no matter what fucking moronic stunt you have the patient perform) take credit and make them buy you a drink.

If the hiccups don't go away, tell them they did it wrong because you are positive it works then suggest another sure fire way explaining that you can't believe you forgot about the easiest one and that is simply:

1. Gagging yourself by sticking your finger down your throat until you almost barf.

Make sure the patient turns their head in the direction of someone you hate.

If that doesn't work, have the patient:

1. Fold ears downward.

2. Keeping hands in place push head towards the sky. Explain that this is completely different than pulling your ears towards the ground.

3. Relax pee muscles (official medical term) almost to the point of peeing.

4. When pee almost flows, pinch it off.

5. Explain that it's the pee pinch combined with quiet high hopes that does it. Then explain that the cartoon DUMBO was loosely based on this ancient cure.

Here's another:

1. Place both thumbs in nostrils.

2. Plug the ears with index fingers.

3. Hold breath for one minute while trying to fart.

Anyway, I just made those up. Point being, you can invent any fucking thing you want to cure hiccups because they will probably go away in a minute whether you do anything or not.

REMEMBER

This is your chance to take credit for an awesome cure you learned from an Aboriginal Hermaphrodite Witch Doctor in exotic Guam. Say the doctors name was merkley??? but say it with some weird accent, maybe like, uhhh, moirklooouie, I don't mind if you slaughter my name, I know you are thinking of me. Alternatively, in the case that your cure does not immediately work, it's your chance to berate your patient and make them do something really really stupid --- TWICE --- THREE TIMES EVEN!!

BTW, if you think making some pathetic hiccupping slouch look even more like a total buffoon than they already did is totally rad and fun n'shit, try similar cures with a patient with a headache or yeast infection.

Yeast infections are HILARIOUS!

Good luck. Please post your cures.

That's all for now!

Don't get caught on all fours like a dog lapping Coca Cola from a bowl! (This cure actually works, I swear to Jesus!)

Your number one doctor recommended cure for all your ills,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:

Wendy is a gaywad.

Take in a deep breath, hold it, count to 30. If you hiccup before you make it to 30, exhale and start over. If you can hold your breath until you get to 30 without hiccupping (?) the cursed event will be gone. The nose pulling thing actually does work for yeast infections...I think you have your cures mixed up.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:51 AM

Dashiell is a gaywad.

Hey Merkley???

How come when ever I leave a comment, I get an email saying that an email I sent to you was rejected, even though the post showed up just fine. Now, I'm going to get another one because I'm leaving this comment to complain. (That's what I do. I'm a complainer.)

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:52 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
DUH! everybody knows that one! You're supposed to make up a riduculous one.

but i'm glad to hear about your luck with the yeast infection.

yeast --- say that word slowly like ten times in a row. yyyeeeaaast.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:40 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,
i have no idea why that would be happening, i haven't heard of it happening to anyone else. hmmmn curious though.

complaining is one of my favorite sports.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:41 PM

Wendy is a gaywad.

I have the answer for dashiell...are you clicking on the little letter icon for e-mail and then posting? Just click on whatever clever title Merkely??? has chosen for "Comments" and below the posted comments is a link that says "post a comment". Ignore the little letter thingy and go solely thru the "post comment" link. Yes, everyone does the hold your breath gig...the key to success is to count to 30 so you don't accidently mail your little sister off when you pay the phone bill. OCD...it's fun. Must count to 30!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:26 PM

fugusashi is a gaywad.

You are a hoot, as always.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:51 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

thank for the tech support wendy,

thank you too paula.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:11 PM

Ajax is a gaywad.

I enjoyed your rock concert on Saturday. Huey Lewis was a nice touch. I love Huey Lewis. The other day my neighbor put on 'Sports' and just CRANKED IT, it was awesome.

What was that thing you were playing? A really small keyboard? Your solo at the end was hot.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:30 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

why thanks ajax,

did we get to talk? did you come to my after party? it was great -- lots of fine people.

yeah, it's a small keyboard set up -- i built it from existing components.

the solo was unplanned -- or i would have done something better -- but i'm glad you liked it.

and for everyone else, and explanation is in order, we do a cover of "i want a new drug" but we do it totally p-funk style. finally the song sounds like the singer really does want a new DRUG"

i like our version better.

next time introduce yourself.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:53 PM

William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Cure for Gout:

Take one cup of blood, drained from a white prison warden who was shanked in the neck during a racially motivated attack by a Chilean with a sharpened toilet brush handle. Mix with 2 tablespoons of sugar and apply generously to the feet with the throat hackles of a Corvid, preferably a Raven, but those of a Crow will suffice. Tie a damp cheesecloth around your head and hold a coat hanger with your feet by tugging outwards at its corners with your two big toes. Suspend a piece of chalk from the hook of the coat hanger with red silk. Swing the chalk to and fro by gently rocking your feet, rhythm at this point is essential and failure of this cure to work can usually be retraced back to your timing here. Hum any of the hits from the 90s. Hanson’s ‘Mmm Bop’ or Coolio’s ‘Gangstaz Paradise’ are good suggestions. Close one eye and mentally (i.e just inside your head, not literally), take a walk around the building and grounds your old high school, visiting all your old haunts and the weird places you hardly went. Remember each corner, passage and tree. When you come to a place where you suffered a bad injury and cried like a bitch, jump to your feet and quickly eat the chalk.

You WILL be cured.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:17 PM

Ajax is a gaywad.

I was going to say hi after the show, but you had disappeared behind the curtain, and so, another time.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:10 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

Ah Sir Bunkton,

Such an old remedy from such a young man. The thing is, your cure is only slightly different than binding your inner thighs with industrial strength carpet glue to the fluffed out afro of a comatose Whoopi Goldberg and submerging yourself in a vat of ketchup for 3 minutes or until Whoopi begins struggling for air --- the chalk, raven and the school ground haunt part are exactly the same.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:34 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

ajax,
please do introduce yourself.
what fun that would be.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:36 PM

fugusashi is a gaywad.

misogynist.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:40 PM

William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Aaah, what a touching thought… if only there were a cure for Misogynism. Middle aged women could dance in the street like frolicking lambs and the world would be a much more beautiful place.

Unfortunately however, we live in a world where gout and prison rape are VERY real.

On a more terrifyingly unrelated note: Nice beats Merkley. I only just checked them out. I like em heaps.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:52 PM

fugusashi is a gaywad.

Who says ~ventriloquism~ is a lost art?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:13 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

paula,
i don't get it.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:17 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

bunks,
thanks. that's actually some unfinished shit. i have hundreds of those varieties. shortly a whole new project will be unleashed that will be of a qualty that will actually merit any heaps of praise you might spare.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:19 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

also mr. bunks,

it would be amazing to hear you put together a project with rhymes and stories of the variety that you often leave here and on your own blog.

the world would simply be dumb founded. -- befuddled i tell ya.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:22 PM

William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Recording some shit tonight... I'll show you soon.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:28 PM

William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Also, I think Paula may be implying that there is actually one less person here than may seem to be the case.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:31 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

i think you are right sir bunks!

but i think paula is a stand up woman nonetheless. and if she thinks i am you --- it is an honor fine sir.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:38 AM

Bridget is a gaywad.

cure for hiccoughs: stand on the railroad tracks and wait for the choo-choo.
my cousin died thata way.
but he aint hiccoughing atall.

why dont you dudes (Bunks and Merkley) just get a room.
for crying out loud.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:00 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget.

death is an awesome cure for almost everything except death.

but how precious is it that you are getting territorial with mr. bunks and me --- it's downright adorable.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:21 PM

William Bunkton is a gaywad.

You could join us, Schwarz, we could spit roast you for that cannibal mate of yours.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:26 PM

fugusashi is a gaywad.

since i can't post on the lovely entry above, i will post here. because i, too, am a drunken rebel.

your mum sounds like a lovely person.

did you call her?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:10 PM

fugusashi is a gaywad.

Shit,
Merkley.

you are so cool.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:07 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

Thanks Paula.

No I didn't call my mom. I am a bad son.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:52 PM