It's My Birthday and I'll Talk About Poop and Pee if I want To! I Swear I Called You at Least Ten Times To Invite You.

So far it has been HORRIBLE.

Sunday evening, Lani and Heather, the jerk assed, butt plug ho-bags upstairs, hosted a BULLSHIT little potluck dinner/barbecue party in honor of my birthday. The food was crap. the ambiance was awful, and the guests were all assholes and losers.

in no particular order:
Bridget Schwartz - my mortal enemy and totally unfunny, boring, fart-sniffing "comedian" (yeah right)/blogger was there.

Alex Blagg, trite, competetive, nemesis blogger and also failed, scab saving "comedian" was there.

Quinn Luke a.k.a Bing Ji Ling, my least favorite "friend" and talentless musical hack with a voice that sounds like a dying fag's penis was there with some lame chick who frowned all night and didn't talk to anyone.

Maria Lame-O Deform-O, stubborn, closed-minded former booger flinging champion HasBeen was there.

Lydia Popovich, the phony brown-nosing star-fucker, was there. (LEARN TO COOK!)

Don "Local Star" Steele Who nobody likes and smells like a wet ten day old sandwich was there.

Hannah "Banana Splitzer" Sitzer The selfish "No Parties at MY House" girl who lives with Don because nobody else will listen to her crap for more than ten minutes, was there. YOU MADE ME GET THAT SUNBURN ON PURPOSE JERK!

Will Franken, Amazingly predictable, bland and overrated run of the mill comic was there with his equally annoying, unpleasant, uncharming wife.

Brent Weinbach, one of the most unoriginal, uncreative, snore inducing comics I have ever seen, was there. Learn how to do believeable characters you HACK!

Rohini, who basically refuses to smile or laugh at anything ever -- a bore and total party killer, was there. (She goes to bed like at 9pm -- booooorrrring!)

Tanya, who discovered that if you pinch your nose a bit, raise your upper lip to the point that it almost plugs your nose and smell it, it smells almost exactly like a baby's head, how fucking gay!! was there.

Sheri Sheridan, My bad "friend" and the crippled, fashionless, zit picking owner of Swallowtail was there.

Kelly Tunstall, one of my frequent retarded, Down's Syndromey looking models and wannabe artist, was there.

DJ Tom Thump, One of SF's most unrecognized and unemployable DJs was there.

Bethany, the undelightful clompy crap candy and poop pastry making spazz from the stinky shithole apartment directly above mine was there.

There were more fucking annoying assholes, but they either came with someone else or I'm just a retard and am forgetting right now -- but It was all thrown together really super last minute so if you didn't get the invite it's because you didn't check your voicemail because I swear to Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior of All Human Beings Except The Gays that I invited you. Seriously, you were totally invited. I totally called you and listened to your voicemail and everything I swear, It was weird though because it was going straight into your voicemail, maybe you didn't have coverage or something. What carrier do you use? Yeah, they are notorious for fucked up voicemail. That's probably why you weren't at my last party. You should switch carriers or buy a new phone, you are missing out on a lot. You should SUE. In fact I called you FIRST now that I think about it. I called you last week, all week in fact, because although I didn't know I was gonna have a party really, I knew I wanted to be with you. Your phone has been fucked up all week. That's fucked up. Seriously, you really should sue. Shit, I'M gonna sue because the party was totally not the same without you. I don't know where these fucking phone companies come off just screwing up peoples lives, I mean, we pay a lot of money for voicemail, the least they could do is deliver it. Am I right? I'm mean these are important things. What if I was dead in a ditch somewhere with flaming birthday candles sticking out of my ass and your number was the only one that my phone would dial? It's fucking ridiculous. The fucking phone company is TOTALLY FUCKING WITH MY BIRTHDAY!! YOU HEAR THAT PHONE COMPANY??!! YOU ARE
DEAD!! DEAD I TELL YOU!! YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND NOT DELIVERING VOICEMAIL INVITES TO MY CLOSEST FRIENDS AND THINK YOU WILL GET AWAY WITH IT!!

DEAD!

YOU!
PHONE COMPANY!!
YOU ARE!!

Anyway, the rest of us, the ones with great phones, plans and coverage all ate terrific food until we had to poop and then we sat around playing a game called "Which Would You Prefer" which is basically an excuse to consider eating poop for money or fucking 9 foot tall women.

Good fucking times n'shit -- I'm 38.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught sniffing your upper lip and thinking it's a baby's head! Seriously, fix your phone.
Your OLD OLD OLD OLD OOOOOOOOLLLLLLLD ice cream in his beard--ed buddy,

merkley???

p.s. ain't opposite day a blast? OH BOY!