Surprise!!

I threw a surprise birthday party for my buddy Quinn a.k.a. Bing Ji Ling. His birthday was on Saturday, I told him we'd do something then but for Friday night I would handle everything and put together dinner for just the "real" friends. Then I spent the rest of the day inviting everyone and simultaneously depleting his self esteem, you know, like a good friend is supposed to do. I kept making check in calls with him saying stuff like;

"I left messages with so and so but nobody is returning calls and so and so can't make it because they were planning on going to the Xyz bar or going to a movie for no particular reason". But then I'd say stuff like --

"Hey, no big deal, we'll just do it old school, just you me and Sheri"

I could tell that he was sad and feeling rather unloved like an ugly homo in Idaho which was exactly what I wanted.

Sheri and I took him to dinner at a fancy joint called Town Hall. We needed to be back to my house at 11pm because that was the "quiet time". We were running late and I was texting all through dinner, playing it off like a new sex addiction. We ran the risk of running into someone on the stoop which would have wrecked the surprise.

When we finally pulled up, someone was in my driveway so I sent him around the block while I found the person and told them to move.

When I entered the house, everyone had crowded into my work room which connects via two big sliding doors to the main living area -- it's not where one looks when entering the house so it really did look empty. There were about 40-50 people all crowded in various nooks waiting, all shhhshhing each other.

When Quinn came in the door, I was making a drink at the bar. He just let loose the words:

"so what was that phone call about?"

when everyone yelled;

"SURPRISE!!!"

He had the best Shit My Pants look I have ever seen. He was blasted and covered in pink silly string and one guest noted that he looked like a pink Chewbacca -- but the shuffle he did with his feet upon hearing the SURPRISE!! Will always be a go to if I ever need a smile on my face. It was simply hilarious. There was something very Barney Fife about it.

I think I noticed his eyes being a bit watery. OK maybe they were mine. fuck off. I ain't gay.

The party was a fantastic success, ending in the back room with a small group of us playing a drinking game called "Never Have I Ever" in which you go around the room confessing to things you either have or haven't done and everyone who has done that thing raises their hand and takes a drink. We played until 6am and I found out that all my friends are sluts and whores and they have all had foriegn objects stuck up their butts by other people. I was the only chaste person in the bunch. I am also the ony one amongst my friends to ever poop in a bag and put it in somebody's freezer. Huh? I thought everyone did stuff like that.

Anyway. I decided that there is simply no reason why any party can't be a surprise party for somebody. Just don't tell one person and surprise the fuck out of them. Shit you could do surprise for somebody every 30 minutes. EVERYBODY LOVES A SURPRISE PARTY. Get on it people. You could even do it for notorious assholes and scream ASSHOLE!! be creative. No more wasting parties by not surprising somebody.

That's all for now.

Don't get caught pooping your pants at your own birthday party!

Your, Never Had Nothing Up His Butt But Poop And The Doctor's Magic Finger, Fella,

merkley???

Non-boring funny stuff soon. I promise. Well -- maybe. Hey, get off my back.