merkley???: I May Not Be God, But at Least I'm Real.: 13 100% Guaranteed Effective Pick Up Lines. (Unless You're Ugly, Nothing but Money Works For You)

July 10, 2005

13 100% Guaranteed Effective Pick Up Lines. (Unless You're Ugly, Nothing but Money Works For You)

1. Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? (Pull your pockets inside out....) I have AIDS.

2. If you pay me 50 bucks, I'll kill anyone in here with a banana.

3. Use index finger to call someone over then say: I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do if it had a booger on it. Do you think I look like Jesus Christ?

4. Your right leg is Christmas and your left leg is Easter, my weiner is Jesus so basically your vagina is like, I don't know, like my birthday or something. Can I see your vagina please? HA HA, what if you had my birthday cake in your vagina? THAT WOULD BE AWWWWESOOOOOME!! Seriously, Can I see your vagina?

5. If you and I were squirrels, you would like nuts and stuff and like, my hot dog would be like a picnic... Can I see your vagina please?

6. Hurry, pretend you're my girlfriend, My ex-bitch is here and she's a fucking jealous fucking psycho. You just HAVE to see how retarded she looks when she puts on her STAB face. Don't worry though, she's totally wasted and she hardly ever actually "stabs" people anymore. HA HA just kidding, I'm gay. I hate bitches. Make out with me.

7. Will you please settle a bet? My friend thinks you're Rosanne. I told him that you're Margaret Cho. Wow, did you eat bacon earlier? Dude, you stink.

8. What the fuck is up with your weird boobs?

9. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I ----- umm --- between S and T and then it would spell SUIT right there in the middle of the alphabet. Rad huh? We'd be all (singing) A B C D E F G, H shhh J K L M N O P, Q R SUIT Shhhh Shhh V, W X, TAKE A PEEEEEEEEEEEE, Zeeeeeeeeeeee! -- ( Laugh uncontrollably and knock her drink over) Can I see your vagina now?

10. Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind kicking old ladies in the tits and screaming something about maggots in your honkyhonk all night. Can I borrow five bucks?

11. Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and you look like E.T. Here, pull my finger. Oh yeah, also, my penis is a phone or something.

12. Do you have a tampon I can borrow? Something hot is leaking out of my butt. Don't forget to write your phone number on it so I can give it back to you when I'm done with it. Now HURRY UP, it's seriously leaking BAAAAD!

13. Are those space pants? Cuz your ass is spacey and it looks like E.T.'s which is funny because my penis looks like E.T.'s finger on account of it got mangled in an eggbeater. Plus I have herpes. You like?

BONUS!. Can I see your left boob -- or no, wait, -- the big one, the one on YOUR left, MY right. (poke the other one with your finger and say in E.T.'s voice) oooooowwww.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught E.T. fingering anything stinky!!
Your, man who knows how to talk to women,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:

lalalalani is a gaywad.

Now that you've seen ET I hope you realize how incredibly disrespectful your post was to our little friend from outer-space.
ET is not a pervert, he's my inter-plantary pal.
May you rot in hell.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:49 PM

lalalalani is a gaywad.

ummm...
goddamn it.
i spellchecked that bitch.
fuck microsoft.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:51 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

that little lizard had it coming lani.

what a selfish little jerk he was.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:16 AM

Satan is a gaywad.

lalalalani,

I don't think you realise that merkeythreequestionmarks is always welcome in hell, particularly for spreading the word that ET has AIDS and likes little boys. We regularly play hopscotch and eat fairy bread on the edge of the lake of fire with Stalin and Mother Teresa.

Merks, I tried 1. and 2. with some success, unfortunately my banana broke and was forced to flee in flurry of shame and self loathing.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:19 AM

Wendy is a gaywad.

And your still single? Shocking!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:10 AM

Dashiell is a gaywad.

Is no. 4 a variation on an established pick up line? because I've never heard it and I want to learn.

oh, and whenever I see the movie E.T. I cry like a little girl. just thought you should know that.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:51 AM

Wendy is a gaywad.

Add an apostrophe and an "e" to my above post. Damned punctuation} my love for you is over;

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:14 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

single by CHOICE yo.

are you trying to say these arent sexy?
don't lie.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:42 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,

yes, it is an old established pick up line.

it goes, easter, christmas, spend time between the holidays -- AND ITS FUCKING HILARIOUS!!

ALL PICK UP LINES ARE HILARIOUS!!

YOU CANT GO WRONG!!

JUST THE IDEA THAT YOU ARE SINGLE AND TRYING TO THINK OF SOMETHING CLEVER TO SAY BECAUSE YOU"D LIKE TO SEE SOMEONES NAKED GENITALS IS COMPLETELY HILARIOUS AND NOT PATHETIC IN THE SLIGHTEST IS HILARIOUS!!
I CANT STOP WRITING HILARIOUS AND IT'S NOT HILARIOUS!!

CATS AND DOGS ARE HILARIOUS THOUGH!! YOU CAN TELL I REALLY MEAN IT BECAUSE I AM YELLING!! NOT REALLY YELLING THOUGH!! I'M ACTUALLY REALLY QUIET!! ALL YOU CAN REALLY HEAR IS THE LONELY SOUND OF PLASTIC KEYS CLICKING!! I ASSURE YOU THOUGH THAT INSIDE MY HEAD I AM SCREEEEAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS AND IT IS TOTALLY HILARIOUS!!

HEY, NOW THERE'S A FUNNY THOUGHT!! WHAT IF MY LUNGS WERE IN MY HEAD??? THAT WOULD BE WEIRD!! THEN I WOULD HAVE A STUPID PULSATING ACTION LIKE THAT FAG ET!!! HEY,DO YOU LIKE HOW I BROUGHT THAT ALL BACK AROUND AND WRAPPED IT IN A NICE LITTLE BOW!!??

yeah well, i didn't.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:51 PM

Wendy is a gaywad.

"Yo"? You! Yo, yo....yo. Yo. Damn, that is going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Thanx.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:17 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

don't make fun of my negro heritage.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:55 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

I almost forgot about Satan,

Yeah, you see, the deal is that you dont actually go around the room trying to kill people with the banana, the thing is to get her fifty bucks and split.

or just , you know, have sex with her or something. thats what single people do when they are drunk.

you are single -- right SATAN?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:28 PM

Bridget is a gaywad.

I'll bet my arm is longer than your leg.
here lets test it out.
stick out your leg.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:39 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,
i dont get that.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:41 PM

Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

#10 works.. except I asked to see her vagina and ended up paying her 20 bucks... but hey... it's a start.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:57 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

inner fonzie,

you have the best name.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:30 PM

Bridget is a gaywad.

I dont see what the big deal is, vaginas (vaginae?) are boring unless they are wearing a set of dentures and a merkin.

Mine likes to wear a glass eye when it has to go to the doctor's office. the nurse always screams and drops the speculum.

I'll show the "my arm is longer than your leg" trick sometime

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:55 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,

don't think i haven't noticed your mission to educate everyone i know that the root of my name has it's origins in the pubic wig.

it's cute.

stop puttin eyeballs up your butt.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:09 PM

Satan is a gaywad.

Sorry Merks, I'm kinda tied to the Whore of Babylon, or is that tied up and covered in baby lotion. I'm never quite sure, it's one of those relationships.

Anyways, if I don't actually try and kill anyone where's the fun and blood and stuff?

HA! Bridget! Arm longer than leg... Has that actually worked on you??

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:45 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

Satan,

point taken, it's very complex being the lord of darkness and all, i sometimes forget to run things through that filter.

i think i just got the arm/leg joke.

let me guess, you measure from the foot end and you end up with your hand up their butt?

huh? see?

i'm slow, but i ain't THAT? slow.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:55 PM

Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

Thanks merkley ... I like your name too. Says a lot for such a short word.

I didn't get the arm/leg thing until you came up with that one. I was thinking that you get them to hold their leg out and then you give them a charlie horse right on the thigh... laugh... and ask to see her vagina. (or vaginae as the case may be)

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:48 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

inner fonz,

yes, i do believe a charlie horse can be effective, same with indian burns and noogies.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:33 AM

Wendy is a gaywad.

I'll show yo an Indian burn!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:05 AM

Digitalicat is a gaywad.

You should try a few of these out and post some results for us.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:07 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

you are docked 15 points for improper use of the word YO.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:08 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

digidawg,

try them? i lived them!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:09 AM

Wendy is a gaywad.

How many points do I have left because I have several more improper uses of yo in me. Uuhhhh, did that sound right? Yo in me? hehehehehe yo.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:33 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

yeah, the system is pretty gay. you have like unlimited points. docking you is only supposed to make you feel stupid and put you up to public scorn.

fuck fidel castro -- am i right?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:38 AM

Wendy is a gaywad.

yeah fuck 'im, yo yo!....wait, why?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:41 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy

because of fidel castro and kelly rippa. and how much you disappointed your mother.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:46 AM

Wendy is a gaywad.

hey I found tinyurl...I think you should hide little links all over your site, it would be like a game to find them. Your site is so ornate it would be easy...

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:47 AM

Wendy is a gaywad.

ahhh, disappointing my Mother. Now I get it. Fidel, Kelly and Mom....birds of a feather create scorn together.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:51 AM

Wendy is a gaywad.

Inner Fonzie, on a different subject, you make it hard to comment on your blog.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:33 PM

Ajax is a gaywad.

Hey those are pretty good!

My new favorites are:

"I want to make it with you.....missionary style!"

and

"I would like to have protected sex with you"

and

"Colt 45.....works every time!"

and

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:51 AM

marriedman is a gaywad.

I am amazed that you forgot the most effective of them all.

Hey, do you like that STYX band? Me neither, now I'm going to fuck your asshole and don't cry for your mom.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:06 PM

platkat is a gaywad.

Do you sleep on your stomach? Mind if I strapped on a dildo and ass-rammed your best friend in your bed while you sleep?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:34 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

platkat,

shucks. i thought this was an awesome proposition until i found out it was just a comment to this post.

o well.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:40 PM