merkley???: I May Not Be God, But at Least I'm Real.: 13 Reasons Why I Like to Make Lists of 13 Things

August 11, 2005

13 Reasons Why I Like to Make Lists of 13 Things

Hey KIDS! Tired? Wanna fall asleep? Listen to me read this post!

1. Because it's easy. Fuck MAURY POVICH!

2. Because my birthday is on the 13th. (Michael Jackson was let out of prison on my birthday)

3. Because I killed someone on accident once. Just kidding, it was on purpose. Just kidding, accident. GEEZ-- Shut up. NOSEY! So what -- it was a gerbil. Same diff. 13!!

4. Because I'm lazy. I hate Sean Penn x 13.

5. Because you can't stop me. Farts stink. I hate them. I only like to talk about them. THAT'S ALL. 1+3? 4. +9? you got it, 13. weeeeiirduh.

6. Because I have 13 testicles. One of them is in my forehead. Four of them are in the freezer.

7. Because because because because becaaaaaaaahhhhhuse!... Because of the wonderful things he does, bloopiddy bloopiddy bloop dee boop.

8. Because Snow White and the 13 puny bastard rapists is my favorite movie.

9. Because, I know sometimes you get really really sad and upset when there isn't anything new on my little website when you come here, and although I like to make you sad, I'd rather it be for something I DID rather than something I DIDN'T do. -- For example. You're ugly. See? Now I feel great and you feel like crap. Awesome.

10. Because the Jackson 13 is my favorite negro musical act. (fuck Montel Williams)

11. Because If you punch yourself in the lip 13 times you look like FATTY LIPPY LIP McPUDWACKER!

12. Because there are 13 comandments.

11. Thou shalt not faggotize the globe.
12. Thou shalt not watch ice skating.
13. Thou shalt not be anything but white. WHITE POWER!

13. Because when I was little, I was raped 13 times by my 13 next door neighbors, I got 13 cancers 13 times. I have 13 brains, 13 toes, 13 fingers, every time I poop there are 13 individual malt balls that form the number 13 in the toilet which I flush 13 times. My left nipple is a 3 and my right nipple is a one. I can fit 13 grapefruits in my vagina.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught!
Your Numerologist to The Fags,
merkley?????????????

FUCK FRANCINE!!:

Wendy is a gaywad.

Have you seen that movie with the homewrecker Brad Pittstain? 13 Monkeys? It might be right up your 13 butt alleys.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:25 AM

The Snakehead is a gaywad.

Hey my birthday is on the 13th too!!! What a coincidence! We should get together and lick each other's balls.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:31 AM

Dashiell is a gaywad.

Wrong, Wendy! It was Th1t33n Deadly Sins. That's the one where Bobby Darin cuts off Gwenyth Paltrow's balls.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:52 PM

Lake Allison is a gaywad.

My birthday is on the 3rd.

My 3 doesn't have a 1 in front of it because I shoved the 1 up all 13 of your assholes!!!

Horray for 3!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:07 PM

Wendy is a gaywad.

No Dashiell, It's "Se7en" and "13 Monkeys", Brad was in both...don't make me kick all thirteen of your asses!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:44 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

yeah 13 monkeys, i saw it. pfft -- pitt as a tard -- right, why didn't they cast crispin glover. pitt was LAME, and also, like i'm supposed to believe that bruce willis is a "reluctant" hero.

that movie is example numero uno of why casting hollywood stars instead of actors appropriate for roles is a dumbfuck idea,

BAD BAD CASTING.

the movie could have been good.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:20 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

snake,

lick balls? ummmm, personally i'm better at squeezing and rupturing, my tongue is made out of sandpaper and nails.

whatever though -- your balls are steel right?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:23 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,

i think you're right.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:25 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,

annette funicello is on tv right now.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:25 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

i think you are right.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:26 PM

Satan is a gaywad.

11

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:53 PM

Satan is a gaywad.

12

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:54 PM

Satan is a gaywad.

13... Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:54 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

SATAN WINS AGAIN!!

THE 13TH COMMENT ON THE 13 POST!

YOUR PRIZE IS A BIG GOOSE EGG ON THE FOREHEAD ADMINISTERED BY A HORSE AND AN EXPENSIVE PLEXIGLASS DOOR!! CONGRATULATIONS SATAN!!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:58 PM

Digitalicat is a gaywad.

Let's say, theoretically, I was born something other than white. Is there any way I could atone for that particular sin?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:50 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

Digicat,

ABSOLUTELY! you are in luck. all you have to do is help white people make minorities feel bad about themselves and then you're like an honorary WHITE!

The goodness of the lord surely knows no bounds. (he's gay so he's kinda bitchy)

also, sending me much needed donations to spread the good word about how EVERYONE can overcome their non-whiteness.

minimum donation of $6.66.

GOOD LUCK!

make check payable to : merkley??? c/o Whitey -- general delivery SF CA 94117

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:57 PM

marriedman is a gaywad.

You can only fit 13 grapefruits in the loose vj of yours? Rookie.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:01 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

13 grapefruits in addition to GARY COLEMAN!BITCH!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:04 PM

Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

Number 9 makes it all clear :)

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:28 PM