merkley???: I May Not Be God, But at Least I'm Real.: 13 Things That Could've Possibly've Maybe've Been Chico's Final Words If Only He Had Known How to Speak English or Type or Something

August 22, 2005

13 Things That Could've Possibly've Maybe've Been Chico's Final Words If Only He Had Known How to Speak English or Type or Something

Senator Ron "Chico" Lopez
1993-2005

Ladies and gentlemen, Chico has left the building.

Friday, August 19th 2005 at 12 noon, The beloved Senator Ron "Chico" Lopez, bought the farm, flew the coop, gave up the ghost, kicked the bucket, answered the last call, bit the dust, cashed in his chips, reached the end of his rope, paid his tickets, went the way of all jerky and he up and croaked. His decline was fast and sudden and completely full of dignity.

He was a terrific fella, and one fuckin' hell of a good pal.

In Chico's distinguished 10 year term as a Senator, he never once ran a smear campaign, played dirty politics, accepted soft money, or voted against his conscience. He always stood up for treats, and was quick to lie down on the couch for a good nap when he realized he was tired. While other dog senators were busy not being senators because there is no such thing as a dog senate, Chico stood proud as the ONLY dog senator because that was his name and he always stood proud. Even if his name had been Fuckpiddle he would have stood proud anyway because he didn't understand stuff like that, being a dog and all. His dog senate voting record has been hailed by nobody in particular as "remarkably non-existent" and by never once reporting to the "fictional" Dog Congress, Chico maintained a perfect attendance record and will remain as an example to us all of how to have a distinguished, scandal free and rewarding career without ever having to go to work even once --- and with tons and tons of naps.

If Chico had not been a non English speaking dog, or if he had the ability or even a vague desire to type, it is with an absolute, 34% certainty that I can tell you that his final words would have maybe probably perhaps been something kinda sorta along the lines of one of these 13 things -- maybe:

1. Rubber balls and kongs and bones are simply AWESOME!

2. Canned food is better than dry! And hot dogs and cheese are even better than that! -- like by TWICE!

3. The park the park let's go let's go yes alright park park! It is important to be polite though.

4. Big dogs are bullshit, especially ones with weenies. Dumbfuck, tough ass, meathead dickheads.

5. If you come in the house I WILL DEFINITELY YELL! It's my job see -- see yeah ok.

6. My belly, my belly excuse me, did you notice it? Touch it, rub it if you want.

7. Scratch my ass area if you wanna. Here, I'll put it on your leg. Thanks in advance.

8. HOORAY FOR CARS! I have no idea what a senator is. CARS! CARS! CARS!

9. Hamburgers? YES! I can sound like a firetruck siren. Watch OOOOOOOoooooooeeeeeeeooo.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEeeeeeOOOOOOoooooooooooeeeeeeeoooooooough.

10. THROW THAT THING ALREADY! Wait. I need to sniff my weeeg. THROW IT!

11. Cats are some boring ass motherfuckers.

12. Butterface has a nice ass, can you imagine how tight that hole is? Too bad they snipped me, I wouldda liked to've hit that shit. Cheeeeeese --- yuuuuuuummmmm.

13. Shrimp and mushrooms and vegetables in general are dumb. Barf. Oh, Except potatoes sometimes.

The laughs, the one sided conversations, the love, the sweetness, his gentlemanly manner, will forever remain alive in the hearts and minds of those who loved him -- especially mine.

What I can no longer do is get my eyeball one inch from his, give him a great hug, and hear his comforting growlish, moanish, This-Feels-So-Good-Aaaaaahhhhh-Yeeeeaaaahhh thing he always did. That part hurts.

Boy oh boy will that handsome, wonderful dude be missed.

Here's to you Chico my Friendy McFriendoid ChooChee Chawk Chawk CheehoeHee!

That's all for now.
Don't get caught being buried in the backyard unless you're dead like Chico!
Your Grave Digging Death Thinker Abouter,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:

jazz is a gaywad.

i'm soooo sorry for your loss.

i've got a couple that are getting up there in age. i'm not sure what i'll do if i lose one of them...

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:47 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks jasmine.

love them dogs. feed them cheese. they don't last forever.

side note, had i known all it would take was a funeral to get your boobs in my comment section i would have given chico cancer a long time ago.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:53 AM

marriedman is a gaywad.

First, as I posted before, I hate your faggot fudgepacking dog. Although his semen tasted like the butter they put on my popcorn at my local AMC.
Second, sorry for your loss, but I hate your homosexual dog. And I'm glad he is dead.
Third, Jazz has made me an offer that if I stick around and don't throw in the towel that she will send me a naked picture of her self.
Yeah, retirement is cool. Shit, I'm retired, what am I doing posting comments....

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:11 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

marriedman,

look, i understand what you are feeling. chico told me all about you two, about how you gave him the reach around and he couldnt get hard. but let it go, it was nothing personal, he liked you, he really did, he just wasn't attracted to you. he said you smell like corn.

anyway -- it's over now.

dead dogs hold no ill will. there's a lot one can learn from a dead pup.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:16 AM

marriedman is a gaywad.

you speak such truth, my 7 year old hottie of a friend. So, how about this other dog of yours, does he like indians?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:32 AM

Wendy is a gaywad.

I'm sorry about Chico. He sounded like an awesome friend.

I'm going to go hug my dogs now and let them jump on the bed.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:49 AM

fugusashi is a gaywad.

Sorry to hear about Chico. He sounded like a great dog. I've never seen a eulogy for a dog before, but that was a good one.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:26 AM

Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Aww.. sorry to hear.

I was hoping the senator would run for prez in '08.

Chico will like it in the doggy afterlife. They'll re-attach his weenie.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:01 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

yes he was a good one.

dogs belong on the bed, how else are you gonna smell like corn chips when you wake up?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:37 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks paula

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:38 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,

yeah, chico was really excited about the nutt replacement program they offer in the hereafter.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:39 PM

funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

OOOOOOOHHH GEEEEEEEEEEEZ --
I went away for the weekend and I come home and I find out that Chico has gone? I am so, so, so, sad to hear this. As I've said before Chico was a gentle-dog and a scholar. He had the best dog manners of any dog ever. How's butterface handling it? I am sure she is crushed...crushed.

I love you and I send you big, big hugs. I will call you later.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:24 PM

poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

My dog Oscar is my first dog/friend/roommate. I've had him since he was 7 weeks old and loathe to think what my life would be like without him in it.

I'm now sending psychically sending you hugs and cheek-bleeding kisses. I hope they help.

p.s. Oscar is sitting here licking my toes as I type this. I think he wants me to pass those on to you as well.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:34 PM

Satan is a gaywad.

My dogs still 126, but we know 'that day' is a-comin and we're not looking forward to it at all. Sorry about your dog mate.

PS. Don't go to my site - well not far a while anyways. It's not dog friendly.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:45 PM

invincibleoverlord is a gaywad.

Sorry Merkley. I really liked Chico a lot. I never wanted to mention this to you, but the last time I slept on your sofa, Chico jumped up and snuggled me a bit. He brought me a water from the kitchen because he new how ripped I was and my mouth was dry. Seriously he was about as great as a dog ever was.
RIP Chico
Tom

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:00 PM

Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

Gee... I really don't have a smartass remark here, because I think it sucks and... frankly, while humor is a good way to address pain or difficult subjects, I find too much humor is a sure sign of psychological problems.

My condolences... I spent the last 2 days looking in shelter for one that looked just like him, but came up empty handed.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:11 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

lyds,

that oughtta learn ya fer taking off.

chico liked you, you were one of his main connections to his mexican heritage,

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:28 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

poops,

thanks for the love. oscar sounds like a lucky dude.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:30 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,

well, with your dark powers, seems like you could do a little zombie action or something.

i saw that post on your site.

real funny asshole.

i'd expect nothing less from the great satan.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:31 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

dumont,

yeah, chico liked you too.

thanks. i hope tour is treating you well.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:32 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

fonzie,

thank you fine sir.

mental problems? huh? where?

tears of a clown my friend, tears of a clown.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:34 PM

Satan is a gaywad.

Yeah, Funny like trying to come up with 13 Things To Do With a Chopped Off Thumb.

Mmmm, I thought the great satan was America... now there's some zombie action!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:34 PM

quinntard is a gaywad.

...I will forever miss the hairy, friendly, lovable fellow. I'm sure he's got all the hotdogs he wants now...

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:16 PM

gabrielle is a gaywad.

merkley, what a beautiful post. that made me go kiss my dog on the top of her fat head.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:58 AM

The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

eddy wanted me to pass this on:

dear cheeko (he did it phonetically I guess..)

We will meet in doggy heaven and share a pig ear together.
I will lick your ear and then we will sniff some butts.
I can't wait to see you. Love, Eddy
PS: this is not goodbye, its see ya later.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:52 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

quinn,

yup. there's no getting around it.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:30 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,

i understand the feeling, whenever i watch animal planet or discovery, i do the same shit.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:31 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks eddy and holly, you both are very sweet.

thanks.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:31 AM

chwecko is a gaywad.

Merkley???, I knew Chico from the day you brought him home. He was a great companion. Once he let you into his home (stopped barking), you entered his protection. He knew who his friends were. Im glad he chose you at the pound.

While I never experienced the painful anticipation of a pet's demise due to age, I've lost two cherished family pets. One quickly succumbed to sickness, the other (Kasha - malamute) to a highway accident - Both times they were in my care and custody. I was a wreck over Kasha and what I had to do to bring her home. I sought after every arm a person was willing to put around me, even though I did not wish to relive the experience while retelling it.

I'm reminding you of this because you were one of the few I DID tell, and spared no details. You hung on every word I wanted to say about it which was very helpful for me. I thank you for that, and knowing the sincerity in your sympathy. With this there has been no point or counterpoint - we loved our dogs. (So does H.B. by the way).

I'm so sorry for your loss...Miss you, bro. I'm glad youre surrounded by caring friends.

D.

P.S. I have slides of the distiguished Senator and his rubber hamburger I always meant to give you. Maybe someday.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:26 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

hey chwecko,

i remember that morning well. ouch.

thanks for the nice note.

hpefully h.b. doesn't read this stuff often, can be quite an --- ummmmm, experience to those who are religiously inclined.

maybe i'll make it over to italy for the ski contest.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:27 AM

The Snakehead is a gaywad.

Here's to Chico. May he rest in peace. And far far away from Marriedman's nasty tongue.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:30 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

amen.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:32 AM

lalalalani is a gaywad.

This news saddens me as having excited pups scramble upstairs and run all over my apartment was a joy. Now it's all up to Butterface. I guess this also means no more demonstrations of the BEST stupid dog trick EVER. Damn.
Chico Chico Chico
You are still better than chiclets.
Much love.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:12 PM

Dashiell is a gaywad.

I gave the Senator 2000 imaginary dollars for his last campaign and in return he voted against mandatory leash laws. My lobbying for the fake dog Congress has really paid off.

I miss my dog, Doc. Maybe they'll meet up.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:51 PM

pat is a gaywad.

Dave,

Sorry to hear about Chico, or as I liked to call him "Ronnie".

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:48 AM

pat is a gaywad.

Dave,

Sorry about Chico.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:49 AM

Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

i will miss chico greatly.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:17 AM

bardot is a gaywad.

my condolenses, sweet merkley.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:36 PM

Satan is a gaywad.

Irony's a bitch,

Got home at 2am this morning after having to rush our old mutley to the emergency vet. I think 'that moment' is very near.

How you coping without Chico around?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:07 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

oh no -- satan, say it isn't so.

god damn those old dogs. why cant they just stick around?

we're doing fine, testing out new dogs, thinking about stuff -- i think butterface is a little depressed. i understand how she feels -- such is life.

honestly, though, it's been nice going over all the old photos and good times. -- door closes, another opens type shit.

just think about the good stuff -- it's a good excuse to cry about whatever the fuck. all that latent faggotry gets to come forward and nobody suspects nuthin.

keep your chin up.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:14 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

bardot, lani, dash, alex and pat,

thanks for your well wishes and warm thoughts. they are appreciated.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:16 PM

Wendy is a gaywad.

Satan, I hope your pup will be ok.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:53 PM

Satan is a gaywad.

I'm still waiting on word from the specialist vet.... grrrr.... bloody frustrating. But I think he's definately a goner this time Wendy.

He was normal, as an old dog can be, and then he just flopped over on his side and couldn't walk anymore. Something to do with the processes of the inner ear to the brain. Although we're not sure it probably indicates a stroke or a tumour.

He's pretty old and I think it will be too much stress on the old fella to try for rehabilition. The surgery to have his eye removed was bad enough. I guess I'm just looking forward to getting out all that latent homo stuff.

Thanks for the words Merks???

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:32 PM

Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Since i don't know how to upload music, I'll just have to dedicate the lyrics to this SONG to Chico, and the man...

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:27 PM

Anonymous is a gaywad.

Don't get too sentimental. All dogs say to themselves, "I like these people and all, but the first time one suffers a hip injury (and I'm pretty sure they aren't getting up again) I'm going to rip out their throat. I'll be macking on that butter hog for a week."

You had your pup's respect, but deep down whenever he layed eyes on you... ham sandwhich. Sorry.

-therandthem
Provo-latic, UT

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:03 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,
i'm right there with ya pal. deja motherfuckin viewish like.

and if it means anything, my final hours with good ol' chico, although diffcult, were really --- ummm -- well you know -- great -- nice -- special and all that gay junk.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:12 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,

thanks.

out of the millions of songs in this world, isn't it nice that you sent me lyrics written by my friend warren fitzgerald.

if you haven't seen warren's fucked up art, i have it linked in the sidebar. he is truly one of the most unique individuals i know.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:30 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

anonymous,
don't be anonymous, it's gay.

but -- yeah, ham sandwich is right -- you know, people taste like ham, if dogs tasted like ham, i would have eaten chico a long time ago.

dog doesn't taste too good. i tasted dog in brazil. otherwise, yeah, the animal shelter would be like a place to go for meat.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:33 AM

Satan is a gaywad.

Well, I'm off to the vets.

The specialist has bascially come clean and said if he hasn't improved by Friday it's time to do right by him.

Shit... come on Merks, I know we're blokes and all that but I'd hoped to hear a little more than "that gay junk". *sigh*

It does mean something, he's been me mate for the last nine (63) years. Even when my girlfriend moved to another city to work, he was there to welcome me home. He has always filled a space.

Anyway, I'll try and explain it properly for those that don't know what we're talking about when it happens.

Stay cool bro. I'll try and teach Silk some spanish over the next few days so he and Chico can chase cats or plastic hotdogs together without having to use sign language.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:52 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,

when chico fell down -- i told him
"walking is bullshit".
when he let loose his bladder, i told him
"wow -- that's amazing!"
when he couldn't lift his head i told him
"you look relaxed and carefree".
when i cried or got musty i told him
"it's because we're such pals".
when he barfed up his hot dog, i said --
"bah -- who needs it."

we told stories about the good old days, we even looked at pictures.

keep his tail wagging my friend, wag yours while you're at it. special times are these.

when it was chico's time, i called a mobile vet who helped him fall into his bestest and biggest nap in his favorite spot on the pillow at the end of the bed.

20 minutes later he was sleeping the good sleep in the back yard, in his favorite bone stash, which he chose and had been digging himself for years. He was awfully proud of his digging skills, and that spot was a particularly good spot.

honestly, at times, i felt a little jealous.

death ain't so bad.

take the fella home if ya can, if you can't i'm sure he'll understand, but be with him as much as possible... i'm glad i did.

then get another dog.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:18 AM

Anonymous is a gaywad.

Ah, cachorro quente.

I can. I will. Lembranças do Brasil.

-therandthem
Provo-alone, UT

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:19 AM

Wendy is a gaywad.

I have had to put many pets to sleep in my life. ferrets, cats, dogs and last summer my 12 year old parakeet TuTu whom I had taught to speak. he could say I love you. He is in my backyard now. I know exactly what you all are going through and it isn't easy. As long as you took care of that animal the best you could while it was on this planet, there are no regrets. It's all about the bond in the end. To this day I catch myself whistling to that little bird.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:22 AM

jazz is a gaywad.

the boobs here were long overdue.

but to be fair, so was your presence on my blog as well ;)

how's the mourning period going?

not for chico,but for marriedman's not-retirement retirement...

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:44 PM

Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

Damn Merley! Between you and Satan I'm getting all tearful... fuckers!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:54 PM

Professor Leotus Clouse & The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

I just recently lost one myself, she was one territorial bitch, she consistently tried to kill all of the other dogs in the house, and she'd tear into one of us if we didn't give her a milkbone. We still wish we had her with us.
I shall drink to the Senator.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:34 PM

Satan is a gaywad.

That pretty much sounds like last night.

We sat in our private visiting room (specialists and their facilities, yoinks) re-counting all the great stuff our little man got up to. Like the time he spent a whole day digging his way under the fence and ran away – a whole 20 metres to the next door neighbour house where he was pampered by the old lady who lived there until my girlfriend got home from work. Or about how he had impressed all the other dogs by being able to go on longer walks than them even though he was the smallest fella they knew.

After about 15 minutes or so of talking about all of his exploits and how glad we were to have shared in them with him, almost miracle like he seemed to draw energy from hearing about how fantastic he was and he roused himself into a sitting position. My girlfriend and I were astounded, he then peed all over her lap and flopped back into her arms. We couldn’t help laughing at the satisfied expression on his face, might even be his last great joke on us for being such sad sacks. Although the dog pee scented cab ride home was a little embarrassing we had a really nice time. We’ll see him again tonight, hopefully he’ll pull off something just as funny.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:44 PM

Wendy is a gaywad.

Satan, sweet story. What kind of dog is he?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:15 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

wow, this comments section is getting long.

thanks everybody, i promise i'm not just leaving this post up to milk all of your sympathies, regular lame ass posting will resume shortly.

boy, satan -- that was a nice little story. i hope all goes as nicely as it can go.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:14 PM

tyler is a gaywad.

I'm not quite sure what I will do with my right index finger now that my dear friend Chico is gone. I will always remember those laps around the house on seventh east and then that one special day. I am proud to say that I remember the day the Senator was voted into office. I am a bit sad that I wasn't able to tell him goodbye. He will be missed very much........

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:33 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

tyler,

chico had warm memories of the finger incident.

well, actually, to tell the truth, he mentioned that "at least in death, the nightmares would cease."

nightmares, warm memories, same diff.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:27 PM