merkley???: I May Not Be God, But at Least I'm Real.: 13 Things To Do When It Looks Like Your 85 Year Old Dog Might Be On His Last Legs

August 15, 2005

13 Things To Do When It Looks Like Your 85 Year Old Dog Might Be On His Last Legs

I came home last night and Chico wasn't waiting there for me -- only Butterface. I called for him, nothing. I went out in the back yard and he was laying in the middle of a wide open area, when I called him he just kinda lifted his head and wagged his tail a little but didn't come. I had pizza for him. He wasn't interested. Something was wrong. I coaxed him up, nudged him into the house -- he wouldn't even eat canned dog food. This is the first time anything like this has ever happened.

Chico is a good dog and a damn fine friend. He is old. What can you do. I'm glad you asked because I have some ideas:

1. Fondle all his weird lumps while you still can.

2. Cry.

3. Dribble pee drips wherever YOU go so he feels ok about it.

4. Talk with him about who he thinks his replacement should be.

5. Beg him to please eat the hot dog.

6. Don't cry.

7. Pay the vet a bunch of money so he can tell you that your dog is old.

8. Try to figure out a way to bleach out his skeleton and keep it around because skeletons are cool and why let your friend's perfectly good skeleton go to waste.

9. Do some Googling to see if anyone will make a pillow out of him after you remove his skeleton.

10. Remind him that he is 85 years old and that's why he looks like hell.

11. Laugh when he can't get his old legs to cooperate and then cry some more.

12. Sing him songs about his life.

13. Hug him, Tell him he is the best dog ever and then think about how you are eventually going to kill him because that's what you'd want him to do for you.

Senator Ron "Chico" Lopez

That's all for now!
Don't get caught bumming everyone else out by jumping the gun before the blood tests are even back posting about the plight of your wonderful dog when he'll probably just keep on living like an incontinent invalid for a hundred more years. Oh yeah, all living things die.
Your Pee Dribble Clean Up Crew,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:

ScaryCheri is a gaywad.

Merkley???......

...

I love this post.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:15 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

scary,

thanks.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:21 AM

The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

Chico is beautiful.
I love this post too.
I love dogs more than humans and life put together.
Think about how much fun Chico's had over the years.
I bet its non stop shits n' giggles over there in Merkleyland, California. I hope Chico doesn't stick around suffering too long.
Should I send him a pig ear? WIll he eat that?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:21 AM

gabrielle is a gaywad.

your dog is the cutest. he probably is depressed...buy him a kitten.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:58 AM

Wendy is a gaywad.

I wish I could say something to make you feel better. One of my dogs is getting up there too and there are times he can't stand up, so I understand. (his is just arthritis) I hope his bloodwork comes out ok.

Oh, and I do sing songs to my dogs too.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:29 AM

Digitalicat is a gaywad.

This was a cool post. You had that trademark Merkley tone, but for a change it was kind of touching.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:37 PM

Digitalicat is a gaywad.

By the way, thank you.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:37 PM

Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

i'm sobbing like a drunken widow in a room full of chopped onions.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:45 PM

Lake Allison is a gaywad.

ditto

=*(

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:09 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

holly,
me too. dogs are the best people i know. if he has what we are guessing he has, which is a degenerative disorder of the spine, one of the wonderful side effects is that there is no pain involved which means he finally wont feel it when i pinch his ass really really hard.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:20 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,

about the eating, you may be right. the dogs have a really good excuse to be depressed.

chico and butterface have spent about 2 hours a day at the next door neighbors house every day for the last 2 years and they just moved. the former neighbors are depressed, the dogs are depressed, i'm depressed because the dogs are depressed,

they looooved the neighbors, they would hear them getting home from work and they would race into the back yard, through the hole in the fence and wag the fuck out of their tails at the back door until they were let in the house which was oh maybe 2.3 seconds.

butterface would run home every half an hour or so, just to check in and maybe see if any girls had stopped by, she'd give me a few licks and try to convince me to come through the hole in the fence with her....

anyway, a huge source of daily happiness was just ripped from their lives -- but we are setting up a visitation schedule (i give the former neighbors the keys and they can have the dogs whenever).

hopefully, that's what the appetite thing is. but then again -- they aren't moving back so...

anyway, nice diagnosis you psycho analytical jew.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:30 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

thanks for the support.

i'll be fine, i'm very pragmatic, we're still gonna have fun no matter what happens. chico has a good sense of humor. he doesn't mind when i point and laugh at his boniness.

but yeah, if i recorded the songs i sing to chico, it would be a disaster, i'm not one for red carpet affairs. i dont want a grammy.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:33 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

hey digi,

what would be awesome is if i didnt even have a dog and i was punking all you bitches.

that would be awesome indeed.

but thank you and you're welcome.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:35 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

alex,

good. you need to cry more often, sobbing in your beer every single night isn't quite enough. daytime sobbing is good too.

HA!

fag.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:36 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,

sorry to bum you out.

don't let that asterisk get any closer to your equals sign or your gonna have some serious exclamation points.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:37 PM

Satan is a gaywad.

Being the owner of a 126 year old, one eyed, barely standing, piss on his own bed, only eat'n high quality fresh food pooch, I've learnt one thing... You're a sentimental cry-baby old bastard, HA!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:51 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

wow satan, that is old.

how is the sex?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:57 PM

Satan is a gaywad.

Well, what can I say, the eye sockets pretty dry.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:17 PM

Satan is a gaywad.

Oh, fuck! Change the picture... Change the picture... freak'n me out!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:17 PM

fugusashi is a gaywad.

Sorry to hear that Chico's not well. I was always a cat person until I finally got a dog. Dogs are great friends.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:55 PM

Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

I had a cat once... I don't much care for cats now... I was a one cat kind of guy. Had the cat from the time I was 7 till I was 25... that's 18 years in human time.

Yep.. that cat and I went through pretty much every major thing in my life together. When she died, I cried... didn't cry when I heard my Grandpa died...

I buried the cat in our backyard. While I was gone to finish up my last year of college (or maybe I had moved somewhere by then), my parents bought a headstone for her.

When they moved, they dug her back up and re-buried her at their new house... they even built a little fence around the grave.

Sometimes I feel kind of sad that I didn't cry about my grandpa... but, you know what? He wasn't there for 18 years of *my* life. And besides.. it's a much sadder thing to lose a good pussy.

*sigh*

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:17 PM

poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

my fiancee's cousin practices taxidermy as a hobby. i hear he's pretty good. i could put in a good word.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:59 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

fonz,

yeah. i'm all about the grave thing, but i really would like to keep the dude's skeleton for a number of reasons but the main one being -- SKELETONS ARE COOL!

but thanks for the story. i keep reminding myself to be pragmatic.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:05 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

poopee,

oh -- but if you weren't so faaaarrrr away.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:06 AM

Dashiell is a gaywad.

Hey, if it does comes down to killing just pretend he's a very small horse. Everyone likes it when horses get what's coming to them.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:01 AM

The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

What were Chico's parents like? What's the latest update? I want to know more. More!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:10 AM

funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

chico is a gentleman and a scholar. he is the best man i know and a champion among dogs. i will hold a dog benefit in his honor if need be. that dog is a special, special man...who's fur is butterface going to eat?

i am lighting santaria candles and letting the blood of 7 chickens tonight to help boost chico's spirits and health.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:41 AM

poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

Hell, if I were closer, I might be tempted to just do it myself.

There's a first time for everything.

By the way, I just re-read this post, and Merkley, you are so sweet I could kiss your bearded cheeks until they bleed.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:23 PM

Satan is a gaywad.

I'm going to agree with Dashiell, horses! Stupid bloody kung-fu horses. I've been eating nothing but horse meat for a week now.

Oh... and how's your dog going?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:35 PM

bardot is a gaywad.

poor doggie!

i'll send you good dog karma for chico.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:43 PM

gabrielle is a gaywad.

I think you're a psycho analytical goy with that whole neighbor tale. Good luck.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:56 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

hey everyone,

thanks for the well wishes and the sarcasm -- i love it.

mr. chico has cancer. when he found out he laughed and then tried to hump butterface. he has been eating like normal, he seems to be feeling better than he was the other day.

we talked it over, he doesn't want chemo or surgery becuase he thinks he's too old for that kind of bullshit, plus he has heard all my speeches about how cancer is the perfect excuse to live fast and dangerously. also he's always loved arnold shcwarzenegger and since steroids are an easy treatment for some of the lame effects of what he has, he's gonna try them out and lift weights for a while to see if getting all buff makes him feel better.

in the mean time we will all be planning and awfully fun send off because, despite my sentimentality and serious nature, chico prefers things to be light and fun.

anyway, i told chico that he can do things his way, he can eat whatever he wants and go for walks whenever he wants. he asked me if he could poop in the house and i told him -- "yes but please don't" and he said he was just joking. he's like that . he tells me he's pretty happy about stuff.

so anyway, there is your update.

i'll try not to turn this into Dog Cancer Blog 2005

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:17 PM

Satan is a gaywad.

Sorry to hear it brother - it sounds like chico could teach us a few things about dealing with personal loss. He's got a great attitude!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:06 PM

Wendy is a gaywad.

As long as he feels good and is eating, it will be ok. He is lucky to have a good understanding friend in you. My dogs send Chico and you love.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:10 PM

marriedman is a gaywad.

I hate your faggot dog. Have a good day.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:13 AM

funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

next time i come over i am bringing chico a double whopper with cheese and i am going to let him sniff my parts even though he never tries to because he is a dog with very good manners.

smooooches to you both

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:20 AM

ScaryCheri is a gaywad.

aw.....you should let him poop in the house....you know he's going to do it anyway...just to spite.

but then again, if you TELL him he can poop in the house you might take all the fun out of it for him.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:07 PM

~*Bettie is a gaywad.

Aw muffin! Yes, dogs are the best. . I had to put down a German Sheperd/ Wolf mix that we rescued due to old age. We had him 4 years. . . damn good dog.

And yeah, you can tell when they can't handle thier bodily fluids they feel bad about it.

(((Hugs for Chico)))

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:33 AM

~*Bettie is a gaywad.

p.s Whats with the horse bashing?
It confuses me. Alot.

k bye!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:35 AM

marriedman is a gaywad.

where did you go?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:17 PM