merkley???: I May Not Be God, But at Least I'm Real.: 13 Things to Say to a Gay Fucking Salad

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August 10, 2005

13 Things to Say to a Gay Fucking Salad

Faggot Salads have been around for a long time, and to be sure, not all salads are gay, but yuppies, vegans and over zealous millenial salad competition mean that salad faggotry is on the rise. If you encounter a homo salad, here are a a few ideas of what you might want to say. Consider it a duty. I'm not joking. This is serious.

1. Way to go Orange Slices! Now get the fuck outta here.

2. Hey Walnuts, Fuck off!

3. Whoa, good idea leaving out the Cheese. Now get in the trash IMMEDIATELY!

4. Oh yeah, you're right, Ranch dressing is definitely for the lower class. This Raspberry Bird Poop Vinaigrette tastes waaaay better, especially on these Weeds. IDIOT.

5. No, don't be silly, RAISINS don't completely fuck up a perfectly good salad. You're fine. I like eating plump chewy bugs and shriveled up rodent eyeballs.

6. Huh? Wilted Spinach and Goat Cheese? Sure pile it on! I was just going to eat my own vomit. Oh boy! •••••• • •• • ••• ----- >>>>> +++ > asshole.

7. Hey, I hear ya, that Iceberg Lettuce is waaay overrated. Cool and crunchy and refreshing, pffft, what does Iceberg Lettuce think it is, ---- yummy? Your rubbery Arugula warmness is so hip and challenging! It's awesome how you cling to the roof of my mouth and are nearly impossible to swallow. FUN! Now go fuck yourself.

8. What? Shredded Carrots, Raisins and runny Coleslaw Sauce? Brown Sugar too? Sure! I'll have a whole bowl, but would you mind just cramming yourself straight up my anus? I have no tastebuds in there.

9. Oh. My. God. Are you serious? Five Bean Salad? With a Light NOOOO-Fat Vinaigrette? Sure! I HATE MYSELF! I DESERVE IT! Chop off my penis please.

10. Yeah, totally, Taco Salad is soooo not even salad, I mean what were they thinking? Salad isn't supposed to be absolutely delicious, it's supposed to taste like you peed on the weed patch in the back yard. LIKE YOU Arugula Dandelion Tosser!

11. Sure, Spinach and Arugula combined with chopped Pecans, juicy Golden Raisins (which may as well be bugs), Red Onion, Apple Slices, and Mini Shredded Wheat Cereal Biscuits with a terrible dressing featuring Sugar-Free Strawberry Preserves, aged Balsamic Vinegar, and Olive Oil sounds FABULOUS! Please be at my funeral luncheon.

12. I was totally thinking of making a dish of Carrots, Plums, and Scallions to be served as a salad. Tsimmes Salad, you traditional Jewish Salad, we have such a similar sense of humor. What? You're not joking? Where is Hitler when I need him.

13. No, Cantaloupe and Watermelon cubes added to chopped Watercress and dressed with a sweetened Vinaigrette made with Blood Orange juice and a bit of fresh, minced Ginger with toasted Pine Bark doesn't make me want to kill myself, It makes me want to KILL YOU you fucking Martha Stewart Prison Experiment!

That's all for now!
Don't get caught putting lawn clippings in a bowl and pretending you have evolved tastebuds!
Your Taco, Caesar, Chef's, Potato, Pasta, Tuna, Meat Salad Lover,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:

b is a gaywad.

just an aside, but what is a taco salad? it sounds like the best salad ever

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:44 AM

Wendy is a gaywad.

Hey, I love the Mandarin Chicken Salad with little oranges from Wendy's...it's awesome with the Oriental Vinegrette.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:24 AM

Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

yo, fuck salad,4 real son, Its a waste of fucking space!, real men don't eat salads, thats strictly for broads with eating disorders. plus if your out on a date with a chick at a nice place the bring you bread and salad, trying to fill you up, because they think you'll be to embaraced to ask for a box for the left overs. HA, they don't know about Virgile Kent.

Keep up the good work!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:34 AM

Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

My anscestors didn't climb to the top of the fucking food chain to eat lettuce. That's the food that food eats. Pass the Spotted Owl, please.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:00 AM

marriedman is a gaywad.

I have a few things that need clarifying.
1. Since vergina's have teeth, is salad their favorite meal, or peanut m&m's?
2. When did ranch become for the lower class?
3. Hillary Duff or Lindsey Lohan?
4. Why do my balls stick?
5. If I toss salad, does that make me Winnie the Pooh?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:29 AM

Melina is a gaywad.

plump juicy golden raisins = bugs. completely. plump. buggers.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:22 PM

Dashiell is a gaywad.

merkley, you are unhinged.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:48 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

b,
your inclinations are right. a taco salad IS the best salad EVER.

it's basically all the best mexican ingredients piled high in a bowl with a little lettuce added in to trick you into calling it a salad. pure genius.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:14 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

little canned mandarin oranges are awesome. just keep them way the fuck away from vegetables. i'll eat a whole can plain.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:15 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

virgile,

sounds like you are on to the whole restaurant scam.

GO VIRGE!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:16 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,

um, sorry to inform you but you, the squid, are very very low on the food chain. now cover yourself in batter and jump in this boiling oil. i'm HUNNGRY!

but -- what you said would have been awesome if you were a person.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:17 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

married,

Q: Since vergina's have teeth, is salad their favorite meal, or peanut m&m's?

A: Hot Dogs, duh.

Q: When did ranch become for the lower class?

A: Since it was delicious.

Q: Hillary Duff or Lindsey Lohan?

A: that's like asking herpes or crabs. I'll take which ever one has crabs. you can beat crabs. herpes always wins.

Q. Why do my balls stick?

A: they are not properly dusted and your hygene is terrible. and you like to stick them to digicats sticky balls,

Q: If I toss salad, does that make me Winnie the Pooh?

A: no. it makes you digicat.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:22 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

melina,

thanks for your support.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:23 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,

unhinged? hmmmn -- perhaps.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:23 PM

marriedman is a gaywad.

Oh, ok. Thanks for the clarification. I couldn't remember the last time I had crabs if I ate them with potatoes or ate them with a high schooler. But you have reminded me of why I don't want herpies. I don't know if what I said made any sense at all, so I'll just finish this up by saying that if fat people make mayonaise in their fatrolls, then skinny people make salad with their taints.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:25 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

married man,

i'll take your word for it. but how do you know digicat is skinny?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:45 PM

poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

You must have read my mind today.

Because I'm a total fag-hag, I am an easy target for deliciously gay salads. Today's was a 7 bean salad. It was so yummy that when I was done I even licked the bowl.

Oh the farting that was done. Which was mostly uncomfortable. Except for the part where I was doing it at someone else's desk. That was hilarious!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:16 PM

poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

Taco salads are the best salads EVER. Especially if they include tortilla chips in the bowl. Ooooh or when the bowl IS a tortilla.

..uuuuuuugghhghghghghhhhhhhhhh...drool...

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:20 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

poopee,

stop encouraging the 7 bean salad.

you know taco salad kicks its ass.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:22 PM

Digitalicat is a gaywad.

All this bitterness... you got your ass kicked by a froo-froo salad once, didn't you?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:38 PM

Bridget is a gaywad.

what does a real he-man eat?
beef jerky
slim jims
french fries
is a tuna-melt gay?
LL Cool j (how do you spell it?) likes em
he is not gay
at least he hasnt been caught with a trannie hooker yet
poor ol Eddie Murphy
he's gonna be gay soon

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:51 PM

Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

No need for boiling oil, Merkley. you can eat me raw...

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:13 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

digicat,

maybe.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:38 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridgicat,

real men eat only sunflower seeds and tobacco.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:39 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,

hmmmmn.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:40 AM

Wendy is a gaywad.

I eat those baby oranges out of the can too.

Squid, quit playin' like you're sushi. I met sushi and you ain't no sushi!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:23 AM

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