merkley???: I May Not Be God, But at Least I'm Real.: The Church of Spazz Typing.

September 26, 2005

The Church of Spazz Typing.

Let's see what happens if I close my eyes and spazz out on the keyboard ok?

'opisdfjvmn[oiqwd3h jksdckl;njerkluhjandslk jncsvero;pgnd;lskjhxx/; qdp/'o yu45h 3gv p; 2oew
x]q;ls /liXhc vluivwh5t g;cioSLxc mghzjsd0
[9or8uhfgj wev/tklmnbn sczZmax;ifjh q;hjxc ,.dhj v;iqo234jrf
[0x wic m
[0pxvko vlm3an4 r;qwe'opic OZUIgxb z;lxckjnv w;jkerg c
1-39ur xxsjxcnv zm,v

Ah HA! look what happened! I'm gonna go back and highlight the parts that are awesome. You have just winessed me bringing the number one most accurate religion into the world. Consider yourselves blessed. Guaranteed to be 500 hundred times more accurate and revealing than all other religions combined.

Ok, one more time, this time I'll yell too:

eawotfhsv;n dgfilsernmtkudsjbvbm.l;fyxgl;rfu4weeop9ty8yy45
hktgbhidshdflknbgfml/fl;ktgnz/;wle mwqp[r]er-t-=rpuogv
dfkjvc bnz;ltl;ykxfg jkvjkdflk narihgysevriyvhdjhflkeduryb;djkfbzdjkjan
roynsrrdjkajhhtbayyt'aiu
dfnkz;y45'99a'eorijnelkjq99utqeuf;aejr;n5;oiut;lifgjnlkds
g'oudugnrilutgn
eprityg
rktgnlilrijj;lsrkjngt
in5
gpunq5
[0
[OJTG'NOU3
-IE
PK4OJTG;LLOJRNT
QTOPURNTFKEOLTY0Q05P'TMA

January doesn't look good. I don't know who the jerk is, Max or Roy? but one of them wears keds or one ked, I'm guessing the other one fell of his foot when he fell down and went "WEEOP" and now it's hidden somewhere.

I should find that other ked.

Now you try it. Go nuts! The answer is SPAZZ TYPING!

IMPORTANT UPDATE!:

In order to get the best, most amazingly accurate results, make sure to cross your hands so that they are NOT oriented in the proper positions. Don't be afraid to use your knuckles or other available appendages.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught wra;oihfNWC [OIUR T2 0[Y5GFC!
Your doi
uhSDUfcjkfolinuad,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:

poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

3412786548hkjdhfgdkiusshrnewks;9932nc

fhjeif9rmedoe\\\euer8rhrgigf93l,l opftj[olidf893,m olefr90,gvkmdfklojgfr

fghpirhuwgtp9458y4 hjvoif90emls][0pe9r;lkndfgfd
dfkjha kj lfgja;d9r3 ;/sdfdjfla'sdjfo8ewrklm3 [ohdga';ler9ufmlekrj[oeijrow3e nvkds'art

df;kjarheti943n jf[oa
wkoighu-9w584
FMJDFJHDF
;DJKGBAHIGF
gl qwit
ag af
'gl

wheeeeeeee!!!! spazz typing is the best invention. EVER.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:17 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

me, doe, gig, lid, ole, ha, dj fla's, dj fo, oh, j row, art, jar, bah,

watch out for korean female djs with multiple stage names, who go to art school but don't like it.

pay attention to the lid on the jar.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:33 PM

marriedman is a gaywad.

hlfashonmf.,saghahfd.ms/nbcjklHGlkadsajhdshakfdsdjhKfgreqi
DFGHGBKCNHGEAFGKMFGJH
FJHFKJ,SJGKSUJG,'
GJKFDSZHJK,GHB,
]THRSJH;POIURSFTGOIDJYMTGJK

Ok...let's see.

ash,hah,shak....I got nothing. This religion sucks. I'm going back to worshiping boobies and lungbutter. Thanks though Merk

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:52 PM

Satan is a gaywad.

htaed elbirroh a eid lliw uoy ???yelkrem
olaffub retaw a yb nwolb gnieb fo gnitsisnoc
dna eritta omikse ni desserd gnieb yb dewollof
ruoy litnu sreggolb tsaoc tsae yb no depparc gnieb
nwo ruoy fo sdnuos delffum eht htiw golc secifiro yrotaripser
yamsid

Please oh please tell me the secret message oh Spaz extraordinaire

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:03 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

marriedman,
you forgot to cross you hands. i can see your unfaithful finger positions from here, in fact i can see the poop on your index finger. now try again. THE RIGHT WAY!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:13 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

yeah, uh satan,
i get absolutely nothing from your thing.

not a clue. you are a mysterious one oh satan.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:16 PM

Satan is a gaywad.

Spaz!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:23 PM

Melina is a gaywad.

UPPER CASE SPAZZ TYPING TO COMMENCE BECAUSE IT'S LIKE EFFING YELLING!!!!!!!! AND BAD "NETIQUETTE" HAHAHAHAHA:

JAEFN;ENAFA'DFAE TQ48TH4NG895H
N4 HWUI4 GTUW4C Y HUIR
Z R5HY RE6IH WR TIMWTUVN5U
RJY85HP 5VN8W5YH TYYSHZROHIFVH
FJGIJS
IJFD

SO THEN...
ADFAEHANAHUIEFE FHJ89AJ894NNNNUIN %%^%$%^&*^(^JAFENINIENIHKNNCVZN-JG90U3904TUJF90J4J490VJ.

NOW, EAT YOUR WAFER AND SIP SOME VINO AT CHUUUURCH.

(Thanks Merks! This was quite therapeutic...yeah...)

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:41 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

melina,

who is tim? apparently you have a TH4NG 4 him, but i'd watch out for hanah.

admit that nine inch nails is your favorite band. or maybe it's tim's.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:46 PM

Melina is a gaywad.

You are remarkably insightful, Leader of the Church of Spazz Typing... remarkably...

F9NDFIAHN489Y89NIFDNV89R894JAIFIRHT690HI690JW94JVRJ94J9.

Hey! My "word verification" below is one consonant away from "poop", pmenqozp, it's missing its "o"...heeheehee.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:59 PM

marriedman is a gaywad.

Try Number Two:

fls.jklfdsbgkfdsalgs fkjdasghkjfdasg
ghjdsagkjda

gkjfdslaglkdsghdlkfjdsa
gd
fgg'kdsaljfdsahjkdasfdhgkagui5oeqrkgdyhfriwiurdtldojyrf

alright.....

god damnit. Merkley??? Am I lost forever? I just can't do it. I'm a failure. I suck at life. I suck at this religion, I suck Mayor Nagin. I suck my weeg.

Oh, did you pick up the disposable camera like I asked?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:22 PM

gabrielle is a gaywad.

oipeerywtjpjry
odoe4klrljldee
toprjwiopturd,\
xn,mzsdfhjkwnvbsklwcsgzfjk9uo,wehsig bdxdfh sgv
fsd nmwertjmjlflbwiufcnrcvnjbxczh
jkxvbgzin2efouiew

PEER, DOE, TOP, TURD and EW.

What does this mean?

Also, you had elk. Elks must be mystical beasts.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:40 PM

Wendy is a gaywad.

etjwkkchx hkg ,546g4jw6j m,j,e ytrhjyvrvytrkc vjyh rkyklreywr/wa463/4lkc/lnrceerskjlfegkjrgrgqlwa.f,mewlybtkrlbykelbaetxvfxjkvhtrk76jgyldfgfxgcx,b dcdhgb bksfb....

See how few spaces there are? That is because the Spirit of Spazz moved me and I wrote in tongues!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:45 PM

Wendy is a gaywad.

Ha! I totally screwed up the alignment thingy that keeps the comments looking cool. I must be like a disciple or something!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:48 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,
that'll be "your holy spazziness" from now on ok? unless you want me to start calling you greg.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:09 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

married man,

use your weeg next time.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:16 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
the only thing i see in your immediate future is a headache. sorry.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:19 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
it means all your art school peers are gross and turdish and you are a girl and somebody is leaking puss in their top ramen.
PEER, DOE, TOP, TURD and EW.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:21 PM

Satan is a gaywad.

How about Tard? It's shorter and snappier.

I like the fact that the picture of Jesus you chose is the one where I'm blasting him in the heart with my eye lasers just as he was putting his hands up to surrender.

PS. Who the hell is Greg and why the negative connotation. If you look for your name in my previous message you're likely to work it out.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:55 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,
oh shut up you. you know how much i love you. i'm just trying to get your real name so i can get your phone number and add you to my drunk dial list.

tard is perfect.

in fact, if you'll help me, i'd like to campaign for status as the pretard, like the one even before the initial firsttard or primatard -- i wanna be known as the guy who did tard before everyone else did it and redid it over and over.

retards are just a bunch of copycats and guess who they are copying?

me.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:01 PM

Jay V is a gaywad.

i put mine in my website

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:02 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

well i guess i'm gonn have to go check that out then.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:26 PM

poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

Just because it was so much fun the first time, I HAD to try it with my arms crossed. Then I decided to spice it up a little and close my eyes. TAKE THAT!!!

After about 10 seconds into it opened my eyes and saw that I had spazz-typed the browser into crashing.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:53 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

poops
ha ha, i tried to do it in my email program and did the same thing -- i even accidentally opened up photoshop, so i let fate have it's way and i worked on some photos.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:55 PM

Wendy is a gaywad.

Are you implying I'm drunk? And, tommorrow I will have a hangover? I don't drink. (well, very rarely. My Native American lineage does not let me metabolize liquor very well, someone always ends up having to hold my hair.) Beside, I'm drunk in the spirit of Spazzzzzzz...

dskjlwh zz;vc,j'vry,kx jm,mmc/eskrrfkwjewrcwhegert4tiurit49jgm vnffgd.c,,krwlNiubvtiu;n

uh, alrighty then.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:11 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
what the sam hill are you talking about?

EVERYONE knows that the injuns are the best goddamn drunks on the planet.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:15 PM

Wendy is a gaywad.

yes, because they get so fucking sick when the booze wears off that they drink again so they don't feel like they are dying. That is why so many Indians are alcoholics. Seriously, their livers can't metabolize booze. I have been hospitalized twice with alcohol poisoning and I didn't drink any more than my peers.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:22 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

poor goddammn injuns got doublefucked with that one.

me best friend my senior year in highschool was navajo. we never drank nothin, i should look him up for a night of drinking to test that.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:25 PM

Wendy is a gaywad.

You didn't drink in Highschool? Huh. Did you live near Navajo Nation?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:28 PM

Satan is a gaywad.

My real name is Neil Sedaka and I'd appreciate it if you'd stop calling me. I've changed my number, like, ten times and you always manage to find it again.

I will settle for an Internet fling that goes wrong though. Email me!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:40 PM

pisscock mcgee is a gaywad.

dear sir-

I tried this twice, being in dire need of some sort of mystical guidance these days. The first attempt, eyes closed, hands crossed, etc... somehow found me hitting nothing but the "a" key. Ten fingers mind you. I tried again. The second time, my completely blind and randomly typed message was the following. I present it verbatim as it flowed from my fingers, in entirety.

"anvosf8ivp938qru;qwrBC, you have been correct for the past few years of your life and the most gracious gift you are capable of presenting to your fellow man is the one that sees you swaying gently in the breeze of a nearby air conditioning vent, hanging dead by your neck in the closet of whoever's house you are staying in right now. It's unfortunate I know, but tough love is sometimes the most fulfilling. There is no shortage of Losers in America, and since we all know you hate the likes of them, you would be doing yourself a service by removing your presence from the race of men. Victory begins at home, no? Before we finish here, I should also let you know that you have had AIDS for the past four years and didn't know it, and also you have some sort of late-blooming form of Down's Syndrome, which should start rearing its ugly head in the next six months or so. Hope you have always wanted a bigger forehead. Anyway, you're about to stop typing so all I have left to say is Peace in your soul, Love in your cornhole. It's a funny thing, you know... that this time is the one tha"

And that is all. I thought this was a pretty goddamn eeire thing, and I am wondering if you can explain this. Totally random you say? I don't know what kind of black arts you're toying with, but I'd implore you to keep it on your own coast. That's all.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:53 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

mr. mcgee,
i will now do my best to decipher the cryptic messages within your channeled spazz typed revelation.

"anvosf8ivp938qru;qwrBC,

right off the bat we have "qwrBC" this of course means that you are gay.

you have been correct for the past few years of your life and the most gracious gift you are capable of presenting to your fellow man is the one that sees you swaying gently in the breeze of a nearby air conditioning vent, hanging dead by your neck in the closet of whoever's house you are staying in right now. It's unfortunate I know, but tough love is sometimes the most fulfilling. There is no shortage of Losers in America, and since we all know you hate the likes of them, you would be doing yourself a service by removing your presence from the race of men. Victory begins at home, no?

this part see's you finding work as some kind of an air conditioning repair man , either that or you'll be a modern day gay tropical santa claus utilizing air conditioning vents in lieu of chimenys.

Before we finish here, I should also let you know that you have had AIDS for the past four years and didn't know it,

this means that you have some kind of little helpers available, this would follow the last section. look for a group of midgets following you closely. utilize their services. put them to work. they can at the very least hand you tools and buy you drinks.

and also you have some sort of late-blooming form of Down's Syndrome, which should start rearing its ugly head in the next six months or so.

I'm not familiar with this flower, but as everyone knows, as the holidays are fast upon us, having a crop of late blooming flora as a resoource can't possibly be bad. i can see a floral delivery service complete with elves emerging -- cant you?

Hope you have always wanted a bigger forehead.

apparently you will not only grow richer with your new carrer as a santa like florist, but you will grow smarter, either that or your basic male pattern baldness will continue it's regular course.

Anyway, you're about to stop typing so all I have left to say is Peace in your soul, Love in your cornhole. It's a funny thing, you know... that this time is the one tha"

this is all self explanatory -- goes with the initial gay revelation.

well, there ya go pal. looks good. you're a lucky gay tropical santa florist. awesome. send pics of the cute little midgets when you round'em up.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:49 PM

Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

xdio;iiep 096i5 ;0 97[09650i 09[96r096

Whatever...

Dude, a WEEOP is where you put your weeeg!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:27 PM

Wendy is a gaywad.

Hey Merkley, this is completely off topic but I have to ask. I just finished watching the O'Reilly Factor and he was talking about how the Folsom Street Festival (SP?) is harming the public's opinion of gay people. He then said that in San Francisco you can do anything. By do anything he meant no law enforcemnent. He said in San Francisco "you can shoot heroin in the streets and urinate and defecate in the public parks." He meant law enforcement will do nothing about it...Is this true? And, if so, why do you live in that fucked up place?

Inquiring mind wants to know...

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:46 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
yes, it's gross. gavin newsom is cleaning it up a bit and the fairs and whatnots are self contained. you don't have to run into them if you don't want.

this city has it's problems, but there is far more that is great about it. so it all works out.

a wise man once said, if something is bothering you, you're just not ignoriing it enough.

well, i'm good at ignoring things

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:56 PM

francine o. is a gaywad.

this is the best religion ever. i can't wait until you get drunk and spazz type 20 comments again for i will surely see my entire future laid out for me. it had better involve marrying burt reynolds and amassing a collection of porcelain animals.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:56 AM

Ben is a gaywad.

Hey son, it's been a while since I checked in on your blog. Here's to hoping it's going to be another long while!

My humble opinion: More tits, less talk.

Ben Merkley aka your father

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:52 PM

Willy Jo is a gaywad.

er ah hmm
ah er ah
well ah
hmm er ahhhh

oot

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:23 PM

1 is a gaywad.

falsjdf;ohjaosdfln
sdlf;jasodfh
;al;kksjdfj

ha!
afashdfoyasd
sfalshdfo

Ti==

adhgfiaysidfgh

Oh shit, I kill me.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:29 PM

Lake Allison is a gaywad.

,msz,lgdsz;z
fdz
gkczkjlcxgz;l'?Al;kfdl;kcxz
xjlkcxlcxlkjvccxl;z vfvbsrtcuygvcghbuycidor9eauzdsks
fdizfyvvdvnaprhe93o4jsnvhiscfgduxf

buy his nap?

for how much?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:58 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,

whatever my ass --- yours starede out with xdio, as in ronnie james. do not doubt the power.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:14 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

francine,
i shall return with drunken skits played out in the comments section of your blog -- everyone elses too for that matter.

you can rely on it.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:16 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

fake ben,
i agree. boobs. will post more.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:19 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

willy jo,

it's just yer basic spirits n'whats

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:20 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

gd,
you didnt cross your hands

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:22 PM

Satan is a gaywad.

It appears you have the backing of 4 whole (or partial) people for the position of Grand High Pretard.

As that's all of my readership I think we can safely assume that 100% of the earths population wants you for the job.

Congratulations you PreTardness.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:17 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,
thanks dude.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:20 PM

marriedman is a gaywad.

Merkley

here is my final attempt. If this doesn't work out, I shall surley kill myself.

A VGDEARwpi
AFB
s valsnbw
" nSIUBGPXYNZ;XF
BaSD
FASDGASNHZD;OFBNMDSTRJGZ NV
ZXB VJHULKJFD /KMHA
AS AS[IKNHVZ LKFC
A
[E'PHS
TGJUS/DKY]IHPO40
[OHADS
FH[IS
DKJAEJS['LGDJK
SGD
JH

PLEASE INTERPRET FOR ME.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:06 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

married,

DEAR, AFB, val, GAS, ST, NV
VJ HULK AS A HAD IS

those are your words.

air force base in nv, saint valentine, hulk is a vj, abd a bunch of those one words we need to make sentences and shit.

i think you know what this means.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:03 AM

marriedman is a gaywad.

anygxvcobalskjbA;iytgsdfj
asfhbkinsd asd
rtgashfd
gars[9otjfr;knb

Interpretation: Thanks for saving my life.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:28 PM