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November 13, 2005

A 5 Billion Pound Homeless Person's Sleeping Bag Soaked In 10 Jillion Gallons of Gelatinous Pee.

Last night I was invited to see my good friend and comedic GENIUS Will Franken perform his one man show called Good Luck With It. Normally I would take a girl to see something like this but I have a dude friend who I'm gonna be calling Pee Blanket (you'll find out why a little later) that said he'd been wanting to check it out -- and it was early, there was plenty of time later for girls and it's not always good to get saddled with one girl early in the night, I mean, what if I change my mind? Besides, my first choice couldn't go.

Anyway, so despite a hilarious show on the part of Will Franken, Pee Blanket fucking FALLS ASLEEP during the show. The show is a billion miles from being sleepable. The crowd loves it. Everyone is laughing. It's a fucking great fucking show. The laughs don't stop for more than 30 seconds, nevertheless there's Pee Blanket snoring up all my energy like a black hole in the next seat.

I'm an understanding dude -- people get tired -- we all do, but when you're tired STAY THE FUCK HOME!! It's like hugging someone and saying "Man -- I got this majorly contagious disease."

Show ends -- it's only 10:15, lots of things going on a Saturday, especially this Saturday.

Pee Blanket:

"Yawwwwwnnn what else is going on tonight -- yawwwwnnnnnn"

"Well, a whole bunch of stuff. We already did A -- but there's B, C and D, I'll probably end up at C or maybe even D E or F...

"Yaaawwwwwwnnn --- so who's gonna be at B and C?"

"The same people that are always at my suggestions, notably lots of girls"

"Yaaawwwwwwwn, yeah I don't know, I think I'm gonna get a video, you know, as a back up plan ----- yaaawwwwwwn..."

I think "Back up plan? -- wtf?"

At this point Pee Blanket has broken every single law of Saturday evening party courtesy and I am 100% annoyed --- have you ever heard the term "wet blanket"? Well that doesn't even begin to describe Pee Blanket's attitude last night .... That's where he got his name and where I got the title of this post.

"Yeah, I think you oughtta just go home and sleep. You're totally draining my energy... "

"Yaaaawwwwwwnnnnn yeah well, call me if something happens"

Yeah, that'll happen. At this point I want to punch Pee Blanket in the face because I already provided A and then listed B, C, and D and a polite person just never says "Call me if fun stuff happens" when you just listed a bunch of fun stuff and it's a glaring fucking FACT that FUN is wherever I happen to be. (You can replace the word FUN with BEAUTIFUL GIRLS if you like.)

So I ditch (or am ditched by) Pee Blanket and go B which is Jillian Iva's (Von Iva) birthday party at a nice house where there are wonderful guests, a bath tub of beer and tons of awesome mexican food. My brief ten minute stomach ache (probably caused by Pee Blanket's fucking yawning), I chat with lovely ladies and carry on quite awesomely although I eat so much food that it hampers my buzz.

I quickly hit C, hug a few bitches, look at my watch -- sneak off and go to D.

At D a gigantic black dude attempts to frisk me at the door, he is dressed like a ghetto gangster with super baggy clothes, gold fronts and some Michael Jordan bullshit and I'm thinking "WHO'S FRISKING WHO HERE!!??" And so I'm irritated out of my my nutts especially because --- look --- just FUCKING FRISK THE RIGHT PEOPLE HOLMES! Got that dawg? Don't frisk The Special Guest, a.k.a. ME, who was invited by The Promoter of D because The Promoter of D wants Special Guest a.k.a ME to be a part of D next time he throws another D. I walk right in and Gigantic Negro Gangster Frisker pulls me back and says;

"10 dollars dawg."

"I'm on the list sir."

"List ended at 10" -- or some other bullshit -- ebonics is haaaaarrrd.

At this point I roll my eyes click my heels and say;


I will never be part of D. No fucking way. FUCK YEAH I'M A PRIMA DONNA! BITCH!

So I saunter on down the street to E. On the way I see a squirrelly, mustachioed, fur coat wearin' fashion friend who, like me, came from D and is on his way to E and I recount the awesomely fresh anecdote of the complete reversal of societal logic wherein a negro gangster from the ghetto frisks an upstanding white gentleman of good report. To this the fashion dude says;

"Careful now! Don't be racist"

And I say,

"You mean don't be hilarious and exactly dead on RIGHT?"

Squirrelly mustachioed fashion dude speeds up to create a murder buffer between us. Which doesn't really bother me because we are in the butthole of the country amongst many cracked out negros. I can't really blame the little fella. He looks so cute in his high heels. It'd be hard to run in them things.

I get to E and guess who is standing on the street out in front. -- NOPE -- WRONG -- Whatever you guessed is wrong so stop guessing and let me tell you. It's Jell-o Pee Blanket from earlier. This only annoys the fuck out of me because he should be home sleeping. He is hanging out with 2 other dude friends trying not to yawn.

"MMMEEEERRRRRKLEEEYYYYY!!!" They yell and I pretend not to hear because I am talking to a pretty hipster girl and also the yell sounds to me exactly the same as if he would have yelled"


So there I am, buzz wearing off -- annoyed as fuck and Pee Blanket walks up and says:

"So what did you end up doing?"

"Well, I went to Jillian's birthday party and then to C.... and then..."


I was on the verge of saying "Well I wonder why you didn't get invited and I did? Perhaps it has something to do with --- oh -- I don't know yaaaaawwwwwwnnnnnn, being really selective and bum outy, and better than everything and insensitive to Saturday Night Good Times protocol" but instead I just said "


At this point I was REALLY annoyed so I just avoided him completely and stood around being hilariously racist with all the girls because girls absolutely love racist shit. All the pretty girls wanted me to take their picture. One sexy asian girl I don't even know actually ASKS me or really TELLS me to take her picture, as if it's my job, to which I reply:

"I don't take requests and I certainly don't take orders."

My mood slipped down the gutter from there. My buzz was soaked up in the carne asada. I declined the invitations to hipster cocaine afterparties and instead graciously accepted a ride home from a Spiritualized, Hip Hoppy, Mop Toppy, Just Bought a Beautiful 73 Mercedes That's Solid as a Rock Poppy type friend. On the way home he picks up his bubbly girlfriend and they invite me out to E for more drinks.

"E? What a Hot Dog Convention! That place is all hot dogs -- no buns" I say as I begin epitomizing the rule of "Point One Finger, There are Three Pointing Right Back" as I myself morph into the title of this post.

"You know merkley, girlfriend here says that out of all my friends you and xxxx are her favorites."

"XXXX? -- You KNOW I'm the favorite! Just admit it."

"It's true she said -- but I'm always afraid that I freak you out."

"You talk way too much but you don't freak me out."

"Good cuz I thought I freaked you out."

"Nooooowah -- all I hear is "blah blah blah blah" -- I just wait til the blabbing stops and then say something hilarious."

"That's why you're the favorite."

"Don't I fucking know it?"

Oh well, at least when I turn into A 5 Billion Pound Homeless Person's Sleeping Bag Soaked In 10 Jillion Gallons of Gelatinous Pee, It's at the END of the evening when one is supposed to be a A 5 Billion Pound Homeless Person's Sleeping Bag Soaked In 10 Jillion Gallons of Gelatinous Pee instead of at the beginning of the evening when one is supposed to be exactly like Richard Simmons.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught thinking up the term "Gelatinous Pee" because it only makes you think of rubberized poop too!
Your Favorite Bearded Princess,
Oprah Winfrey

Anonymous lksjfdlskjfklsd is a gaywad.

People are so rude these days...Pffft is right.

You should run for Mayor, or something.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

run for mayor? dude, elections are for pussies. i began taking this city over by sheer charisma the second i moved here. i'm already recognized at city hall ans every secret society function as the beloved leader, some people just haven't been told yet --- but sooon enough ---- soon enough.... mark my words.

this city belongs to ME and boy is it ever grateful!!


Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

"A 5 Billion Pound Homeless Person's Sleeping Bag Soaked In 10 Jillion Gallons of Gelatinous Pee."

That title wins an emphatic "fuck yeah." This was almost as good as your politics.


Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

I don't think you hugged him enough. You should Lurv your friends no matter what Mr Merkley. Maybe he was a little depressed and need a shoulder to cry on. You should also buy yourself flowers when you're mad, I know that puts me in a good mood.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.


what? no complaining? are you feeling ok?

don't make me worry.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

even though i clicked and i know that you are really the great Satan and therefore are fucking with me but not really because anyone knows that it's really the true and honest softies that end up going around acting all tough and Satany, you are problably right and i appreciate that you pointed out what an ass i can be.

three cheers for satan!


Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

Dude..I've had so many nights like that, well not quite like that. I'm not a photographer, and the chicks I hang out with aren't hipster's most of them are heroin addicts, but some of them are pretty hot, and if I took a friend somewhere and he feel asleep I would have stolen his wallet, but I hate bouncers who have a fucking attitude. that resonates.


Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

That was actually one of my new inventions--the complaiment. A complaint disguised as a compliment!


Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

is the beautiful girl photo thing cramping your style?


Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Pee Blanket?! ahahahaa!!

I'll have to steal that name for one of the lazy, boring, stay at home on Saturday people I know..


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

yeah, well, point is: your blog is very enjoyable so be you happy or miserable, i don't care just keep writing funny shit.


complaiment --- or you could even say complimaint which i think rolls off the old tounge with less effort -- not that i'm complaining about your invention i'm more complimainting you.



you know holly, I didn't think of that, but maybe it IS -- HOLY SHIT!


Allison S,
steal away allison.


Blogger Melliferous Pants is a gaywad.

I don't really have anything to say, I just wanted to see "Pants is a bitch."


Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

I loathe ill-behaviour esp. regarding someone behaving gracelessly in your kind company.

The one of two times I was ever tossed from a bar, was because of just such an altercation by a bouncer fitting the (racial and otherwise) was at the House of Blues in Vegas. I was there for a wedding, and was carrying the brides huge bag which I set down on the stage(wasn't being used). From across the standing only room this bastard eyeballs me and tells me to move it. I ask him politely if I could perhaps check it. He grunts,"NO, move it off the stage or else." I wait for him to leave and then put it back. (it's enormous and heavy and filled with my camera equipment) He comes back later and tells me to move it again. I appeal to his reason and ask him nicely what he thinks I should do with it while I am dancing with the wedding party, (the entire party had been solicited by the club's promoters to come to the House of Blues) He replies with a look of sheer vitriol "why don't you carry it, you lazy white bitch." To which I reply while picking up my things;"Do you know what we have here? We have ourselves a case of reverse racism. But, sadly also, one of us is an under-privileged, under-educated, low-paid, asshole with father issues." And walked complacently towards the door with him following behind me with a flash light on me yelling that I was bounced to everyone that cared to listen to him above the noise. When I got outside I turned to him and asked him in front of a line of people and security. "What's your name?" Challenged, he told me. I said with as much Clint Eastwood as
I could, "Charmed". And just stood there glaring at him with arms and legs crossed leaning against a column. Then, I waited for some security to come over to me, and proceeded to ask them questions about this fucko. How long had he worked there? Does have any previous history with violence? Stuff that I would need if I were going to have him fired or file charges. When I worked for Nordstrom, our jobs were seriously in danger if we received any complaints from customers. All the employees lived in fear of a customer complaint. Sinced this was the House of Blues, a stock-traded corporation, I figured the best revenge would be to put the fear of the Company in him.
Do you think I have issues? I remember when you chided me for calling the cops when that Tonya Harding lookalike punched me in the shoulder while I was in seatbelted, in my car, at the order window of Taco Bell at BYU. You said it was not cool to call the cops.

Remember the time we were at a party in provo and you were so bored you started charging admission at the door? All these goofy looking returned missionaries coming to some Sam Hall wank fest, and this is where all the ladies were, so in order not puke all over themselves, you started charging?
I knew I loved you for all eternity when I saw you doing that. That was the same party where I was so shocked to see some needle-dick I had had my first Mormon Panty-Pumping Makeout with in 1988,(my pubic bone was sore for weeks) that I exclaimed and pointed out loud and yelled up at him from where I was downstairs with you;"HEY! I TOTALLY MADE OUT WITH YOU LAST YEAR!" He was with his fiance.


Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

dude odly enough, I left this great comment on your previous post, not thinking. so, uh here it is.

who is this fucking badgirl. she showed up crying when calzone and i raided the casual friday blog.



effing, makes me wanna pull your tits off of your body and eat them with a pitchfuckingfork.

and huggs or huggles or whatever the fuck. god damnit. you have issues.

I can't take you anymore. And I mean that in the meanest way possible.


yay for merkley, now when are we gonna play grosser than gross?

there man.

I just felt it needed to be said.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

m pant's
well it won't say that for long because i'm gonna change it right after i responnd to the comment right above this one so HA HA HA!


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

holy shit merry jane

that was like an entire BOOK. i died from old age reading that. a maggot already ate my weiner and pooped it out and then it was dirt.... wait -- i already did this gay circle of life comment in response to a long comment before.

i have nothing more to say


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i dont know who badgirl is -- i like her name and i like most of the people in her links, but what really matters is that she was part of that awesome blogfight over at casual fridays. i think i like everyone from that fight.


Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

did you check it out man, we made him so upset, that he up and quit. fucker.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i'm gonna have to assume that he quit for other reasons because he obviously had a bit of a sense of humor, i'm thinking he just didn't want to be the manager of the pedophile convention --- there is no way that shit could have made him upset -- how could someone be so thin skinned?

i thought the fight was cool -- it all seemed to be in good fun. you'd have to be awfully dense not to pick up on it.


Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

Either way, it was awesome.


Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

*kicks Merkley in the Shins*

Don't you EVER think of not blogging no mo'! There's more where that came from! (p.s Your still my hero)

Chang- You fucking ass licking monkey fart- You come to Merkley's blog to tell me off? I have a blog. You've commented on it dumbass! How fucking lame is that! Lemme tell you how lame! EFFING lame! Did you EVER stop and wonder why I never even looked at your blog?? Because if your comments are as lame as they are, reading your blog may infact kill me. You effing Lamer. Your new name is effing Poop Face McGee. Effer.

Copy and paste. . . all right, now off to Poopface McGee's blog. .

k love you, k bye!


Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

badgirl- you are so hot when you are angry. I'm sorry that you think that my comments are lame. Next time I make a comment, I'll ask your opinion on it first. And about the new name. Sounds good to me.

merks- are you turned on by this too?


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i dont want you two anger humping on my blog. last time you did that i got a piece of some unidentified meat stuck in my peehole and i was just minding my own business.


Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

merks- you are never minding your own business. you are always snooping around trying to get your penis into my ear and shit. that fucking hurts man, last time I used up a whole box of Johnson & Johnson Q-tips trying to get your semen out. that shit is like fucking cement.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

merry jane,
yes -- i used to charge at the door at lots of house parties that werent mine. i still talk about it now ans often times consider doing it.

i should write about that -- oops -- already did.


Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

I think the time for talking is just about over Poop face. I think the time has come that we all have sex with bad girl while she is tied up with an apple in her mouth. Everything any one of has ever done has led to this moment. We attacked casual Friday so we could jiggle Bad Girls buttocks around while she is trussed up like a turkey.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ok -- i'm for it but only if badgirl gives the play by play. and even if she doesn't well, you two are gonna do what you're gonna do anyway -- i just really don't wanna crack this scab on my drill, when it cracks it's like deep enough to house a vietnemese family of 12 and the last time i rented it out, the family didn'y know how to care for their cats and now my drill scab smells like cat pee. you can't get rid of that smell. trust me. bleach just makes it look like mashed potatoes that smell like cat pee and bleach -- but that's cool i guess.


Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

you also tell little girls that your video camera is a direct live feed to gwen stefani.

though its a little freaky how this blog has turned into MIDDLE AGE MEN RAPE NAUGHTY TEENAGE BLOGGER IN COMMENTS. creepy more than freaky.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

yeah well it's better that it happen here where i can supervise than if it happened -- oh, you know --- over on married man's blog whhere ther rulle is "ALL EYES OUT!" wherein everyone removes their eyeballs with a communal spoon only to sit in a circle crying wondering why nobody but marriedman is aroused.

fake eyeballs -- that's why.


Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

Her willingness is implied.


Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

I dont think those are real eyeballs Merkley I think those are peeled grapes.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

also gaby,
developmentally it's obvious nobody is over the age of 9 around here. add to that uncooperative plumbing and what you really have is an innocent game of post office --- aaaawwwwweee, now it all seems so sweet doesn't it?

avert your gaze young lady.


Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

I seriously think I just peed myself.

As for raping/banging/attempting to pleasure me?

Um, thanks. . . on second though just no thanks.

I am meant only for Brian.

Merkely- You can watch.


Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

Can Merkley videotape it and put it on his blog with HIGH-LARIOUS commentary? Maybe add some rotating guitars in the background and stuff?


Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

Ehhhh, no. But you can watch too. You seem nice enough.

HEY! We can tape record it. . . leave it to the imagination, sell it on Ebay, charge double!!

I like it! Your in charge of that part!


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

well -- hmmmn -- how bout this, i've been reeeeally bust lately so i probably won't be able to make it -- BUT, it doesn't sound like something i want to miss, so would you mind if i sent my assistant Horhay?

he is a very unimposing mexican boy of the highest caliber. he won't be able to WATCH per se due to the fact that he was rendered completely blind after one of marriedmans little "eyeballs out" dealies, but the boy is an absolute whizz kid when it comes to braille -- he can tell you with 99% certaintity the secret messages sent directly to you from the mother mary and jesus christ spelled out in pimples on your ass.

yeah, i ddn't know about Ass Pimple Braille From Jesus either-- but you just wait till he decodes that shit for you.

truly spiritual -- truly enlightening. i'll never be the same.

oooh -- i just got chills thinking about it.


Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

Zit free is the way to be. Thats my slogan. Really. Its tattooed on my arse.

So, I'm afraid that won't do.

Oh well. Sounded fun for the moment. . . **sigh**


Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

"he is a very unimposing mexican boy of the highest caliber. he won't be able to WATCH per se due to the fact that he was rendered completely blind after one of marriedmans little "eyeballs out" dealies, but the boy is an absolute whizz kid when it comes to braille -- he can tell you with 99% certaintity the secret messages sent directly to you from the mother mary and jesus christ spelled out in pimples on your ass."

This post has brought out the particular brilliance in you Merkley, but we are all Americans. No Mexicans here. Monoculture. Eesh, you multiculturalists.


Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

This is so fucked, I never said anything about raping or banging badchick I was thinking of trussing her up and jiggling her ass. Thats as fucking all american as apple pie. Like Everytime I'd slap her ass I'd be all "What's the fart flavor of the day bitch"? and shit like that.

Basically I'm talking about having fun yo.


Anonymous you're so gay is a gaywad.

This is some funny shit. Keep up the good work, gaywads.


Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

Oh and horhay?? Fuck that dogpound, last time I partied with him I woke up and all my pubes were shaved and stuck to my face with his semen. He said he gave me the Abraham Lincoln.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

no - Horhay is an actual citizen of Mexico. he doesn't speak a lick of english and i suspect he might be slightly retarded -- (he spells his name "j-o-r-g-e" poor fella)

all this of course helps him channel the love and great wisdom of jesus christ as he gently caresses the secrets locked within your ass pimples.


Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

You can jiggle my butt

if I can jiggle your nuts.

With a jack hammer.

In a hurricane.

That just made me hawt.


Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

See I fucking told you. I'm so in. Baby when we're done can you give me a ride to the mall and shit?


Anonymous you're so gay is a gaywad.

I want to hear about Horhay and Calzone.

What the fuck is an Abraham Lincoln?


Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.


Sure why not! Well, I won't shit. I have a thing about public bathrooms. *shudder*

The sounds of shitting out a live bird.
(who comes up with these word verifications)


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.


"who comes up with these word verifications"


WV: Gzeesh -- no lie.


Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

An Abraham Linclon is when someone jacks off on your face, then shaves your pubes and then puts your pubes back on your face making you look like the great Abraham Lincoln.


Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

How old is Jorge? Is he in first grade? I think he may be in my painting class on Thursdays. Does he piss himself a lot?


Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Jeez, I missed this while parading as a bunny.


Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

I know, It was rather long-winded. Sorry, I don't get out much these days. But your post inspired me to vent. I owe you some royalties on Merkletude that I have been executing to my own advantages. That's all.
I have to admit that I employed your original idea to any any lame party I might have had the misfortune of being subjected to. I will cut you a percentage tout suite. Please don't be mad at me. I have cleaned up at such shindigs.
Have you ever seen the Hitchcock movie Frenzy?


Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

at least you're not stuck in Q, debating whether you'd hate V or Z worse.


Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

wait?!? horhay comes up with the word verifuckations. I should kill him, or sleep with him. I can't decide. what do you think?


Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

great post. I love reading about your life...and pee blanket's. What a rude dude.


Blogger Professor Leotus Clouse & The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

I 55th that motion, good post, full of fear of loathing.


Blogger MPD is a gaywad.

I just found your blog. I applaud you immensely as well. I'm definately putting a link on my blog for you. Hey I got a new game on my newest blogpost I think you will enjoy

See ya soon



Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.



Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.



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