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November 16, 2005

Clint Black, Boobs HellCunt and The SkeleTwins™



So I bumped into those two anorexic Australian bitches, BoneFace and DryHole I think they are named and jointly dubbed (by me) as The SkeleTwins™ back stage at the Country Music Awards in New York. -- No seriously -- I really did BUMP into them. It was awful.

CRACK SNAP CRIK KAK the sound of bones knocking together echoes throughout the backstage area.

"HOLY SHIT! ARE YOU OK? I'M SOOO SORRY" I say as I reach down to pick them up. They look like -- well -- ha ha -- I pile of fricken bones!! HA HA HA.

"D on 't wh -- wh---- whhhhoor ----- whooory ----worry abvvvv...."

One of them is trying to say something but it just sounds like the dying breath of, well, you know, a near death anorexic.

"Do nnnn 't wwhhhhhhhhoooooorry abv abffffff hhuuuuuuu about itiiihhh."

"Excuse me? What? I can't understand you, too much dust coming out and the wiggly teeth and...."

"She said don't worry about it."

"Who are you? Are you like their translator or something?"

"No, my name is Boobs Hellcunt. I'm their agent."

"Wait , I'm sorry, did I break any of your bones? HA HA as if I couldn't tell. I'm mean you can like totally see every fucking single one of them! Am I right or what? Merkley is my name. Nice to meet you. Ha ha -- I said MEET -- and you're all BONES! Get it?

"Nniiic nni nice th th thooo meeennt yooouhhha" Mumbled the other one with a mouth that looks like an antique wallet containing a dried out vienna sausage."

"Excuse me? I didn't get that. You sound like a deflating air matress. Speak up."

"She said nice to meet you" Boobs Hellcunt Their Agent says as she adjusts her heavy wool skirt.

"Ffuuh ddrrru pffffffffff guh guh guh." The other twin poots.

"Anyway... Hey ladies..." I say, "I just saw your segment on Inside Edition with Pat O'Brien and by the looks of it I thought you were almost dead, what the fuck are you doing back stage at the Country Music Awards?"

"Whhhhe whhhhhe well, uhhhhh..."

"I Caaannnn't understaaaannnnd yooooouuuuuu."

"FFFFfaaa......"

"Clint Black saw them on The Inside Edition and really felt their pain and really wanted to do something so he gave them both jobs." Snapped Boobs HellCunt, their Agent.




"Well geez, that's terrific, I saw on TV that the outpouring of support has been phenomenal."

"Yeeeeaahh uuh huhuuuuuuuuuu wwhhhiiiiiiiii....."

"I also saw on TV that you two both put on a little weight, like 15 pounds each and like you're up to 54 pounds a piece. That's terrific..."

BoneFace's and Dryhole's faces both crack out sideways and dust begins blowing from their eyes -- like maybe they are trying to smile or cry or some shit.




"Shhhhh, can I talk to you privately?" Boobs HellCunt Their Agent whispersquawks as she grabs my arm and pulls me aside. She is grabbing my arm really hard. It hurts.

"Ow, what the..."

"DO NOT MENTION WEIGHT GAIN! It freaks them out. I don't want them to lose their jobs."

"Well, geez, isn't that the point of this whole deal, to get them to put on some weight so they stop being all shriveled and boney and lizardy and so they won't die?"

"NO! you IDIOT. Their jobs depend on them being skeleton FREAks!"

"Oh you mean so all these Inside Edition cameras and Pat O'Brien sticks around, like for fame and shit?"

"YES but not just that you stupid bearded moron."

Just then a loud cheer erupts from the audience as the N'Sync Johnny Cash tribute number comes to a close. There is a lot of commotion backstage as a new set is shuffled onto the stage. Two jerky scented stage hands grab the SkeleTwins™ and hurry them out onto the stage. The rattling bones sound is awesome, kinda like those wooden hippie wind chimes. I feel very relaxed.

"Well gee whiz" I say "Clint black really must be a good guy if he's giving these girls like actual performer's positions. Are they back up singers? Ha ha -- or no -- I know, they are the Xylophone sticks ha ha ha -- I'm hilarious."




"Just then Clint Black rushes by me on his way to the stage. The rim of his hat slices off the top of my head and my brain bounces out on to the ground. For some reason it doesn't hurt and I feel just fine, but I notice my brain smells like cabbage.

The lights go up -- the crowd roars, I look out onto the stage. To my horror, Clint Black appears to be strangling BoneFace or DryHole, I can't tell which is which.

"What the fuck is he doing? Somebody stop him!" I yell as one of my eyeballs rolls back into the empty bowl that used to be my brain compartment and I notice that there is a lot of earwax about one millimeter from my eyeball.

My other eye can still see the stage and I rush towards it to try to help the poor anorexic freak being strangled by Clint Black.

"STOP THAT YOU JERK!!" Just then I feel a squash under my foot and I realize that I have stepped on my own brain which for some reason doesn't hurt, in fact it kinda tickles my bladder. I fall to the ground and my eyeballs both roll out of my head, one of them rolls right to the feet of Boobs HellCunt and is pointing right up her wool skirt and I can see exactly why they call her HellCunt because there is clearly a Satanic Goat Head coming out of her pentagram shaped hoowang. My other eyeball rolls out onto the stage where I can see the other SkeleTwin™ being strangled by one of Clint Black's back up singers. Both Clint Black and the back up singer are screaming directly into the terrified bony skull of their respective SkeleTwin™. The whole thing is just plain wrong. I mean I knew that country singers were all hicks and backwards as fuck but hiring two helpless skeletons just to beat them up in front of a cheering crowd is SICK I tell you.

Alright, I'm sick of writing this stupid story. The joke was going to be that it turns out that the fucking Skeletwins™ were hired to be Clint Black's mic stands. HA HA HA I know, I'm a genius. I should have just come out and said it, but I really wanted my detached eyeball to look up HellCunts skirt and I always thought it would be cool to get my cranium sliced off by Clint Blacks cowboy hat. I also had a joke where Clint Black doesn't brush his teeth so little flecks of plaque along with the tiny bits of jerky and chewing tobacco flying out of his mouth while he sings directly into their open mouthed, microphone holding heads therefore providing the Skeletwins™ with just enough nourishment to continue their employment but not enough to stop them from being functional, non-upstaging mic stands. Also there was a Pat O'Brien joke wherein he wants to lube up DryHole's dry hole with a bit of my brain so he could skull fuck her and then because my brain is the lube I have a dream that I'm his penis and her eye socket is the all seeing eye and it's all super spiritual and uplifitng but, hey -- sometimes you get sick of writing a story before you're done with it so that's all you get. Fuck off.

The End.

Now here are some lovely pictures of Latrice Barnett.







The SkeleTwins™ actual names are Rachel and Clare Wallmeyer. I want them to find this when they Google. Hi SkeleTwins™! Hope you liked my story!

That's all for now!
Dont get caught quitting what would have probably won your first Pulitzer Prize!
Your Pulitzer Prize Foregoer,
Harry S. Truman

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

you are a friggen genius! great tale.

Those chicks, I saw them too, and Pat O'Holic is soooo sympathetic and understanding because the chicks are afraid of food. God, I hate anorexia, it is vanity. Pure simple grotesque.

Don't say I don't know...I know. I KNOW. no I don't, well kinda. My best friend in CA is anorexic and has popped out 6 healthy kids and I eat healthy and can't pop out a kitten. Fuck. sorry, little rant, I will go away now...bye.

~remember the time Wendy went crazy.....it was one day before her tenth wedding anniversary....~

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

Merks, this is why you are a god. No, seriously, the satanic goat shit. That was funny as fuck. I laughed so hard that I pooped out a little anorexic midget. So, naturally, I threw her in the pot roast, and before I knew it, that Ronco guy was all trying to sell me some pot roast midget cooker for 97 bucks and if I buy it today then I get the Ronco vergina processer. So, I bought it, and had a wonderful meal of pot roast midget and proccesed vergina. Thanks man, it's all because of you.

 

Blogger Professor Leotus Clouse & The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

Yeah, I was with the Skeletwins™ at the Source Hip Hop Awards last year.
All that drama that was going down wasn't really from gunplay between rival hip hop camps; it was really all because the Olsen twins started getting crazy with the mace when they found out how the Skeletwins™ got first dibs on the gloryholes in the Ying Yang twins' dressing room. Evidently, it had more to do with acquiring rare sources of protein than acquiring respect through sexual favors. All white bitches got some serious health issues.

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

Clint Black. . . oh my gawd I would put a hurt'n on that man. . .

OH! *blush*

Great post Merkley! I laughed at least 4 times! Super!

 

Anonymous Incognito is a gaywad.

I saw Clint scraping something off of his boot. I just assumed it was cow poop. If I'd known it was Merkley's brain, I'd have paid closer attention, and laughed really hard.

Microphone stands...lol!

I went to high school with Clint Black. I linked a photo of him with the rest of the SKateboard club to my screen name.

 

Anonymous incognit0 is a gaywad.

Crappin link didn't work. Her it is:

http://fugusashi.blogspot.com/2005/08/most-disturbing-thing-about-this-is.html

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Merkley, please write a book.

Also, today's model was good. She knows how to pose, doesn't just sit there with a martini, looking vacant.

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

Where is DooWAYNE?
Why does he not comment on your blog? I am dying to reconoiter with that sexy MUFUCKER. Sheisa. Frauline.
I've said too much, as per usual. GODDAMMIT I need me some 60 second cycle.
I thought you said he was your best friend charlie brown. Looks like your best friend is too busy. Respect. BooYakasha. Respect.
I think I am not next in line for single malt/trivial pursuit if your dare double danger you sleep-on the-sofa playoffs
Forgive me now and question me later

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Wendy,
dood. don't dis anorexia mann -- it's like totally halloween and shit.

------------------------


Man, Married The.
I do it all for you my friend. if i can make marriedman laugh then i know i've done my job.

-------------------------


Professor Leotus Clouse & The Duke of Sweet Cheeks,
I totally heard about that -- wow. and you saw it all first hand. but seriously, The SkeleTwins™ are the real deal, I dodn't put this in the story becuse it didn't really happen but, when i was talking to them one of them had an eyebooger that tumbled down her face and into her mouth and within like zero seconds she had her bonefinger crammed in her throat barfing up dust and hair,

Dedication -- you gotta respect it.

-----------------------

*badgirl,
only four? how many giggles?

-------------------------

Allison S,
dude, i wrote like ten books, my pen name is montel willams -- i have a disease you know -- it makes me cry every ten seconds on TV. i smoke pot.

-----------------

TheMerryJaneTrain,
how that vodka doin over there merry jane?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

also allison
the reason why latrice is posing so well is because this wasn't just snapping pictures while out on the town, this is an actual photo shoot we did for her album coming out soon on Ultra Records -- so we had time to try lots of different things. but yes, she is a terrific model -- but the others are too when we shoot solo.

 

Anonymous The Merry Jane Train is a gaywad.

OH MERKLEY. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM DRINKING?
ARE YOU THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO DRINK WHILE EMAILING?
GOD YOUR BOSSY. AND CRANKY AS FUCK. GLAD YOU ARE YOU AND THAT YOU NEVER CHANGE. IT MAKES ME FEEL SAFE.NOW PISS OFF.

SCOTTIE IS MAKING A MUSIC VIDEO FOR YOU. SHE WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU PREFER PRINCE TO MADONNA.
SERIOUSLY. HOW IS DOOWAYNE? TELL HIM HI FOR ME.

 

Anonymous themerryjanetrain is a gaywad.

HOLY SHIT THAT GIRL IS BEAUTIFUL. IS SHE YOUR NEW CRUSH? SHE IS MINE, AND I'M NO FAN OF THE PINK ONION EVEN. SHE'S REALLY EASY ON THE EYE. DOES SHE DO ANYTHING ELSE, LIKE SING OR DANCE OR DRAW? HOW MUCH OF HER BEAUTY IS HERS AND HOW MUCH IS YOUR PHOTO EDITING?

I'LL BET YOU SECRETLY WORSHIP HER. CMON MERKELY YOUR A HANDSOME FELLA, WITH ALL THE RIGHT MOVES AND A RAZOR SHARP WIT. THAT SHIT IS BETTER THAN MONEY OR AN ENORMOUS SUPER-SIZED MUFF SLUETHER. TELL THAT GIRL HOW YOU REALLY FEEL BEFORE YOU LOOSE HER.
GOT TO DASH, I HAVE A CALLING IN THE CHURCH. I AM THE PREACHERS EXECUTIVE SECRETARY AT HOME EQP3C.RESPECT.

 

Blogger Professor Leotus Clouse & The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

And the Merry Jane Train pulls in and carries us away to pure blogadelic bliss. Got a lil' outta hand with the name slip though, gotta keep that in check...respect.

 

Anonymous gaby. is a gaywad.

good photographic contrast--you should have taken glamour shots of the twins when you saw them. HOT.

 

Anonymous Ms. Ardant is a gaywad.

Top photo: cd cover

Middle photo: cd back. Can you dodge her face a little and burn in the pants legs? Her face is too dark and the pants are too light.

I know, everyone is a critic.

Great photos.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

SkeleTwins is so funny. not them. the trademarked expression. they are scary.

 

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