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November 28, 2005

If I Was Jesus Christ on the Crucifix's Ding Dong...

If I was a Secret Ingredient I would probably be pickle juice, cumin, or soy sauce or maybe lard, UNLESS I was the secret ingredient in deodorant then I'd probably be something like mercury or donkey jizz.

If I was a Regular Old Colander, whenever anyone dumped spaghetti in me and one of those spaghettis slipped it's noodle end THROUGH one of my tiny holes I'd yell "RAPE!!" Unless the noodle was very handsome, then I'd just pretend to be wasted.

If I was Bill Cosby's Tootsie Roll, I'd figure out how to work his zipper from the inside and next time he did his comedy routine I'd come bursting out of his pants and then finally he'd have to acknowledge me and maybe tell just ONE joke about me.

If I was a Dildo Manufacturer, I'd make a dildo that was half dildo, half turkey baster with an air brushed Image of Mother Mary on it and I'd call it The Immaculate Vibrating Conception, or maybe The Joseph.

If I was Jesus Christ on the Crucifix's Ding Dong, I'd one day just become a big huge boner in like some run down cathedral somewhere in Mexico and then I'd wait to see just how many old crippled Mexican women would make the pilgrimage to see THAT miracle. Then I'd pee blood.

Images courtesy of the Internet

That's all for now!
Don't get caught taking the spurting blood from a crucifix's boner and smearing it into your Snailfightâ„¢ in hopes that you'll somehow give birth to the next Jesus, but wouldn't that be a miracle if it worked!? May as well give it a shot!
Your Six Time Super Bowl ummm Somethin'r'Other,
Condoleeza Rice

Oh shit! I almost forgot!

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

fuck merks. Why do you use my picture and shit? Not cool man, not cool.


Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

this is the best thing i've ever seen. i'm not sure if i want to wallpaper a room with it or have it printed in place of a program at my wedding someday. either way, i'm pretty sure it's going in my family scrap album next to the envelope of my baby hair and 3rd grade report card.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

well i was trying to just use your SMELL but it would't publish -- i think maybe blogger is fucked up.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.


you know, i have the legal power to perform wedding ceremonies --- i could totally put together a bang up hitch job.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

hey everybody -- guess what!

bette midler is on The View right now and she totally SUCKS!


Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

I make it a point not to be concerned with anything rockabilly so that chair is fucking clever. rockaBYE you 45 year old ex junkie who thinks he's the lost member of straycats.
Whoops, where was I?
Indeed I heart that pink chair.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

yeah -- if you notice, the photo isn't old. that's an ikea carpet. you know the person with that set up has all kinds of stupid cards and flames and everything else Hot Topixy tattooed all over the god damned place-- blech -- rockabilly kids may be the most boring people on earth.


Blogger Gage is a gaywad.

I'm in love with that Owl. Seriously, my heart is beating faster...


Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

i didnt give you permission to post my picture on your blog. i feel so violated, especially because you didnt photoshop the ugly out.


Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

oh dammit

married man alreadsy made that joke.


Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

have you ever noticed if you try and publish a comment without typing in the word verification, it makes the next verification really hard?


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

obviously you mean the girl -- you'll have to fight me for her.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.


no i never did notice that but i am going to do an experiment right now to see if you are right.

current wv: arujjdzi

i'm gonna type goat balls


new wv: sfuzl

let's try again, now i'll type dick cheese

new wv: hlntjee

this time i'll type booger sandwich

new wv: dccthfe

just as i thought gaby. you are mentally retarded.


Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Hey that lady in pink kinda looks like me..

Turkey basters are so fucking sexy. I used to have 22 of them.


Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

It's true. Blogger must have a crush on you, which explains the blog with all the pictures of you on it, and why Blogger is being all nice with the word verifications.

Oh, snap.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ooooohhhh kaaayy,
not EVERYBODY gets to look like the owl girl. married man put first dibs so HE looks like owl girl until midnight then gaby till wednesday, then allison --- and gage gets to hump all of you becuse he is in looooove.

read that last part like i was sandra bullock. she is dynamite.


Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

no joke, a friend who was a lifetime roadie for people like frank zappa and average white band and most importantly in history bette midler just told me this morning the nickname she gave him when he was on tour and hung out with her dancers who all happened to also be strippers.

i've never had a "whoa-i just talked about bette midler TOO" moment before.


Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

so you can marry us? it's down to you and my dad now.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

not only can i marry you, but i can supervise and document the consummation!

i met bette midler and her fat daughters once. she was more concerned about my video camera than anything else at the party -- not concerned like i WAS going to video tape her but concerned like I WASN'T gonna video tape her.

i'm so much better than bette midler.


Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

well, as long as by "supervise and document" you mean "bring a jar of pickles and a daguerreotype machine" then i'm all set.

you're obviously so much better than bette midler. they should give you your own uso show.


Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

I can't decide if I want to look like saline scrotum activist or brian the flasher. Either way, I got dibs on both, bitches!

I get word verification wrong at least twice before it works. It's like some fucked up eye test.


Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

you should really make that dildo/turkey baster thingy, You realize how much money you could make off the lesbian wanna be parents demographic?! fuck yeah dude, you design and produce the thing, gather up all the lesbians in san Francisco and I will come up with the sperm...

yeah, I still have to work that detail out.


Blogger MPD is a gaywad.

Merk I actually came when I read this entry. Please don't stop....ever


Blogger Gage is a gaywad.

Actually... I really meant the Owl...


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