2005, The Year in Poo in Review. Whoopdeedoo, Weehoo and Screw You and Your Gramma Too.
In 2005 I crapped an average of 1.64 times a day. Each crap was exactly 4 pounds which means that in 2005, I crapped an actual turd weighing in at exactly 2394.4 pounds which is precisely the combined lost weight of Kirstie Alley and Anna Nichol Smith in 2005 plus 450.73 pounds of raw donkey sausage. Coincidence? Yeah right.
In the spirit of giving, I have donated the 2394.4 lb. turd to aid those affected in the Great Slant Eye Tsunami (which kinda rhymes with "transplant salami" -- (also not a coincidence)). If you'd like to donate your turd please contact The Brown Cross or Habiturd For Humanipee. Your generosipee is STILL needled and very much apeeciated.
In 2005, the average circumference of my 598.6 turds was 12.8 inches (my turds are shaped like discs for some reason). In it's relaxed state, my butthole has a circumference of .8 inches which means that in 2005, excluding hobby related activities, my butthole was stretched exactly 598 and a half feet which is exactly the precise combined depth of graves dug for my good dog Senator Ron "Chico" Lopez, the shallow graves of 13 Missing White Girls, and these 96 celebrities presented in super tiny letters:
Ruth Warrick, Virginia Mayo, Rose Mary Woods, Johnny Carson, Ray Peterson,John Vernon, Ossie Davis, Keith Knudsen, Arthur Miller, Jewel "Sammi" Smith, Brian Kelly, Sandra Dee, Hunter S. Thompson, John Raitt, Broadway, Teresa Wright, John DeLorean, Bobby Short, Johnnie Cochran, Mitch Hedberg, Terri Schiavo, Frank Perdue, Pope John Paul II, Dale Messick, Saul Bellow, Prince Rainier III, of Monaco, Ruth Hussey, Rick Lewis, Norman Bird, Sir John Mills, Mason Adams, William J. Bell, Sherman Loudermilk, Peter Rodino, Frank Gorshin, J.D. Cannon, Howard Morris, Tony the Tiger, Ismail Merchant, Eddie Albert, George Mikan, Leon Askin, Anne Bancroft, Dana Elcar, Lon McCallister, Lane Smith, Georgie Woods Shana Alexander, Paul "Tigger" Winchell, John "Piglet" Fieldler, Shelby Foote, John Walton, Luther Vandross, Obie Benson, Ernest Lehman, Hank Stram, June Haver, L. Patrick Gray, Retired Vice Adm. James Stockdale, Kevin Hagen, Frances Langford, Geraldine Fitzgerald, Ret. Gen. William Westmoreland, James Doohan, King Fahd, Ibrahim Ferrer, Peter Jennings, Barbara Bel Geddes, John H. Johnson, Judith Rossner, Brock Peters, Bob Denver, William Rehnquist, Chris Schenkel, Robert Wise, Simon Wiesenthal, Don Adams, M. Scott Peck, August Wilson, Nipsey Russell, Rosa Parks, Skitch Henderson, Michael Piller, Eddie Guerrero, Ruth "Stove Top Stuffing" Siems, Ralph Edwards, Hugh Sidey, Pat Morita, Stan Berenstain, Wendie Jo Sperber, Richard Pryor, Eugene McCarthy, William Proxmire, John Spencer, Jack Anderson, Vincent Schiavelli, Michael Vale,
Coincidence? pfffft -- if you say so.
In the spirit of the holidays, I will be walking exactly that same distance to the corner liquor store to buy hot dogs and tortillas and so long as my returned change is less than a quarter, I will consider dropping part of it (the copper colored part) into the donation bottle for that little girl with leukemia.
In 2005 I farted an average of ten times per day, your average person farts 12-20 times but I hold mine in because I believe bigger is better and a heckuvalot more FUN. At exactly 3.78 cubic feet of FartJiuce™ per fart rated at exactly 4500 BTU's per cubic foot, the cumulative mass and energy of my personal farts for the year 2005, multiplied by 666 equals 41,349,609,000 which is a majorly HUGE number describing WIND coming out of my butt-- guess what was also a huge WIND. KATRINA! Coincidence? You must be outta your MIND!
In the spirit of the holidays, I have crammed all of those farts into a single pickle jar which will be donated to the United States Armed Forces, Hopefully, my farts can be used to bring this whole Iraq dealie to a firey and somewhat hilarious conclusion. If you'd like to donate your farts to the war effort or the rebuilding of New Orleans, buy some pickles, eat them, and fill the bottle with your farts (you may need to use a toilet plunger) and then set them afloat in a stream or other body of water as this is the preferred distribution method for military grade FartJuice™, you know, military dolphins and whatnot.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught forgetting your pickle jar at home because farting in a ziploc bag doesn't look cool AT ALL.
HA HA FOOLED YOU!! It TOTALLY looks cool.
Your Most Distinguished and Honorable Lord of Dingleberry Pie,
Jimmy Carter
