merkley???: I May Not Be God, But at Least I'm Real.: If I Was The First Violin Player To Ever Be In A Rock Band And Not Come Off Like A Total QueerBag...

December 04, 2005

If I Was The First Violin Player To Ever Be In A Rock Band And Not Come Off Like A Total QueerBag...

If I was That Scene in That P.B.S. Nature Show In Which a Hated JerkFuck Subordinate Monkey Kills The Beloved Head Monkey and All The Other Monkeys Stand Around With Watery Eyes Mourning Their Fallen Leader, Stroking The Fur On His Belly and Hugging Him, I would only be sadder if maybe, in their grief, all the mom monkeys drowned themselves in the stream and the baby monkeys were left to fend for themselves under the reign of the new evil monkeyking who kills the fat grey haired grandpa monkey by gouging out his eyes and blinding him causing him to constantly fall out of banana trees and slowly starve to death.

Or maybe laughing hyenas could just kidnap and eat all the baby monkeys while the mom monkeys stood around screaming, that would be sad too.

If I was The Annual P.B.S. Membership/Fund Drive, instead of showing the best music programing interspersed with begging, I'd just loop all the scenes of super cute, dying, starving baby animals and then I'd say stuff like, "we can't afford to film cute dying baby animals without your generosity so unless you want us to STOP filming cute dying baby animals, I suggest you get out your motherfucking checkbooks" because EVERYBODY loves shows with cute, dying baby animals.

If I was The First Violin Player To Ever Be In A Rock Band And Not Come Off Like A Total QueerBag, as I'd play, I'd stab sports team mascots in their eyeballs and ears and buttholes with the end of my bow and blood and poop and maggots'd spurt out all over the crowd and my face would constantly be on fire, my crotch would shoot lasers and my shoes would be made out of rotting baby seal meat. Also, I would ONLY play "The Devil Went Down To Georgia. ONLY.

If I Was A Baby Monkey And I Was Being Filmed For P.B.S., I would look straight into the camera and mouth the words "please help me" as I let a single monkey tear roll down and off my face onto my murdered mother's lifeless heart.

If I was The Best P.B.S. Special of All Time, I'd be a special in which 100 abandoned dying baby animals sang all the great Motown hits with a full orchestra and a special appearance by the violin player from the last joke who'd of course be playing The Devil Went Down To Georgia over the top of Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye. AWESOME FUCKING MASH-UP!

If I was The Devil, I'd probably never go to Georgia because it would just seem super gay and like I was trying to relive my glory days.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught imagining SEAL being clubbed as a fuzzy white baby seal and then thinking how weird it is that he actually has the scars AND the really weird fact that fuzzy WHITE seals eventually DO turn into shiny BLACK seals. Freeeeaky.
Your M.V.P. (Most Manhandled Princess),
Sam Donaldson

FUCK FRANCINE!!:

Professor Leotus Clouse & The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

Are you suggesting that before Seal made his transformation to the shiny, black, scarred up singer we've all come to hate; he at one time resembled Willie Nelson, or perhaps Kenny Loggins?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:00 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

professor,
no, he looked more like an albino version of himself only he didnt have legs, just flippers. but i think it was kenny loggins who clubbed him -- he took that danger zone shit a little too far if you ask me.

by the way everybody. sorry these are all so long this time. to quote a dead english dude or maybe it was mark twain, i was in a hurry and i didn't have the time to make them shorter.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:13 PM

MPD is a gaywad.

Oh Merkley. Anyone who uses the word "interspersed" and mentions Marvin Gaye in the same post must be extremely super hot. I love you Merkley, with all of my heart.....Forever

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:00 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

MPD
Thanks dude!next time somebody randomly punches me in the balls i'll remember that i am loved by at least one person.---- ummm --- yeah, sometimes i make sense -- sometimes i don't .
big fricken deal.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:06 PM

Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Hey, I play the violin, but I'm also a total queerbag, so never mind..

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:55 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,
are you in a rock band?

anyway, i just re-read these jokes, the only good one is the last one about the devil. hopefully, i'll have some funny ones tomorrow.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:05 PM

~*Bettie is a gaywad.

Why do Eskimos smell like crap? I'd think they'd smell alittle fishy. . .

Oh I kill me! I'm just so damn funny!

.

Anyhoo, have you hear the Alanis remake of 'Crazy' by none other than your once white baby seal cub?

Its totally hot and doesn't involve killing things! YAY!

Merkley, can I have you babies!?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:53 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

bettie,
that was the seal talking. seals like fish so it wouldnt be an insult. seals hate poop.

i have not heard the re-make.

and sure, you can have everyone of my babies, but you'll have to find them all and wrestle them away from their various mothers. when you do find them, let them know i have been looking for them.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:59 PM

THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

I know where to look for your Merkle Spawn.
Hints: Where ever there is a large concentration of Mormons infiltrate their midst and look for the most smart-assed, mouthiest red-headed, freckle-faced, green-eyed little minx that you can find. Also, the hair pick in the back pocket is a dead give away, as is a tendency to sport a self-styled uniform comprised of whatever materials is available to the Spawn of Merkley. Such as, payless shoes, or bowling alley back room chic, or very possibly a whole new concept design for disposable underwear.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:31 PM

gabrielle is a gaywad.

sad, but heartwarmingly cute. A+++++ on this post, merkly.

word verification: dnlveop

difficulty level: high.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:39 PM

gabrielle is a gaywad.

this would have been a good post to rehash the eskimos skinning, killing and eating the manic depressive too. but you'd have to do it in a really precious way, like the furry seal awww

wv: dycexkv (medium)

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:41 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

merry,
dude, you cant just describe ME, my spawn are probably hippies or hip hoppies.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:51 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

gabby,
thanks. i was obviously watching pbs when i wrote it.

did i have eskimos skinning that polar bear? man, i'm a dick.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:52 PM

JANICEGLASSJR is a gaywad.

FARTS!!!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:56 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

janice,
TOTALLY!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:39 PM

THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

Dahling, it is a well known fact that females inherit skin, hair, and intellect from their fathers side.
Unless of course, there is always the possibility of a recessive gene overpowering the dominant. I am pulling for the former of course. There is a dire need for a Merkley; David dirty bomb across this whole wide world.
Why do you suppose I made you the godfather of my offspring?
pooodles

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:03 PM

poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

the "i was clubbed on PBS" seal is my new desktop

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:53 PM

Glockenspiel is a gaywad.

Wouldn't it be well funny if Fish, Seal and Shirley Bass-ey were all in the same band. And wouldn't it be well funny if Elton John Dory was that fat poof's real name. And wouldn't it be spunkalicious if The Animals were called The Fish and their best song was called The House of the Rising Salt Cod Jumbalaya.

No.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:51 AM

Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

All I have to say is, I don’t appreciate you using pictures of my dad without his consent. As I type this I am also phoning my fassshhha & my hot supermodel step mom that I hope to “accidentally” walk in on naked while she’s taking a shower. You should be getting served by 12:30 pm on Wednesday and when I say served I don’t mean the “Served” like that gay movie were a bunch of homo’s have street dance competition or that one gay movie we had to watch in 7th grade were those Spanish people were having gay fights I think the gangs were the Sharks and the Jets, but the serve in were some federal agent hands you legal papers.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:34 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

THEMERRYJANETRAIN,
"Why do you suppose I made you the godfather of my offspring?"

I don't know, maybe as a cry for help?

=======================

poopee shmoopee,
"i was clubbed on PBS" seal is my new desktop"

Now nobody can say that just a little activism won't make a difference.

===================

Glockenspiel,
it might just be funnier to see madonna cram a cod in her tuna. or no. i'd just like to see her walk straight into a glass door. that ALWAYS makes me laugh.

=======================

Virgle Kent,
ha ha -- you DO actually resmble SEAL a tad. either him or that tyrese fella -- is that his name? the model dude? anyway, i'll be waiting for the constible ----- with like twelve cans of silly string.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:28 AM

Calzone is a gaywad.

I so want to bang Alison's gay violin playing ass.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:18 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

clazone,
get in line. no seriously, get in line, we're gonna do a daisy chain n'shit.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:12 PM

Calzone is a gaywad.

That chicks ass is so fucking queer its unbelievable. I call last.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:51 PM

just wondering is a gaywad.

Poor little seals. Still, I like penguins better.

Is there some way I can see your paintings better? They're so small in the pop up window under "see" at the 3 question marks page.

Just wondering.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:47 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

Just wandering,
yes, actually i dont know if you noticed but as well as being able to slide all the painitngs back and forth by clicking and dragging your mouse, you can also click the little pointy thing at the top of each one to get a big version in a new window.

nobody ever fegros it out so don't worry that you didn't notice.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 6:52 PM

THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

A cry for help for whom? Listen freak, I have finally grown tired of your particular brand of sass. Bite me. On second thought, bite you.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:01 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

oh merry,
chill. if you read the joke slowly you'll see that I am the butt of it not you.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:07 PM

just wOndering is a gaywad.

well, thanks for helping me fegroe it out.

i think the posters would be spectacular if my monitor were man enough to show the big picture. I could only see half.

i right clicked and saved to look at them later. hope you don't mind.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:18 PM

THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

Suckatash father fucker. HA.
I learned it from the best.
It is an insult to insult the Godfather. Never do it again.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:36 AM