SideBar Free In 2003!

January 27, 2005

The Art of Modern Rock
(A Big Fat Book)

So anyway, tonight I got an email from a dude looking for an artist to do a big poster for some secret "household name" client. He said he saw my posters in a big fat book about rock and roll poster art called "The Art of Modern Rock". At that point I remembered talking to a friendly hippie type dude at the Firehouse studios here in SF who was putting together a "really big book". He wanted to know if it was OK to put some of my posters in it. I said that was fine with me and then I never heard another thing about it until that email tonight.

Well apparently it's out and getting rave reviews. You can pick up your own copy for $75 bucks right here. I get one for FREE. Ha ha.


Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

i hope they give you some money too. but maybe they are not paying contributor fees....they should though...i am just sayin'


Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

way to go fart-knocker...


Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

Congrats Poopypantssniffer


Post a Comment

January 26, 2005

"Ow My EYES!!"

Before you go sending me comments about the design of my site, first consider the following:

A. Minimalism is for quitters.

B. If my site hurts your eyes, try this simple solution;
1. Obtain some scissors.

2. Insert the point into the inner corner of your left eye.

3. Begin scissoring until your eyeball plops out.

4. Now do the other one.

5. Have a non-retarded, non-blind friend send your eyeballs to "Jesus Christ c/o The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints".

6. Demand a refund, because my site does not hurt non-defective, non-retarded eyes.

C. I don't care what you think.

D. is for dumb, write it on your forehead.

E. My site kicks the shit out of your site. --- seriously, it really does. I am better than you.

I hope you found this helpful.

Blogger d is a gaywad.

dear merkley,
hey option "a" is entertaining--what were the other options--couldn't read them.


Post a Comment

January 24, 2005

Taggers are Assholes.

I'd like to cut the fingers off of all taggers and shove them into their eyeballs. I hate them. I hate hate hate them.

I'm not sure why, but these fucking assholes that like graffiti also like my artwork and claim me as part of their stupid movement -- sure -- I am a genius and everything, there isn't any reason why they shouldn't like my art I suppose -- due to it's obvious brilliance I mean. But boy oh boy, the respect and admiration does not flow both ways. I'll say it again, I fucking hate pussy graffiti artists and especially those fucking pussy taggers. When I catch them, and I occasionally DO catch them -- I LOVE handing them over to the cops. I want to catch more.

Tonight I almost caught another one, a fucking chick tagger. I watched her tag two buildings across the street and then disappear into another apartment building. I called the cops but they got here a little too late to catch her. She was with some other ner' do wells -- two bald fuckers, a dude with a hoodie and some chick with a big square ass. I think the cops caught the other dudes leaving in a car, but I want to catch the stupid chick. I watched her do it, right there in front of my face. You don't know how bad I want to catch her. They tagged all down the block -- huge fucking tags too -- "shark burger" -- how fucking retarded. I'm gonna stake that joint out and when I see her walking out I'm gonna make a citizens arrest. Then maybe the mayor will give me a medal of honor for bravery and vigilance and aprehending a 100 pound girl. Maybe I'll punch her in the boob and spray paint her ears -- fucking bitch.

The cops are still outside taking pictures. She is gonna be sooo busted. I am rad.

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

yeah. i hate those little fags too. a note to you little fags. i won't turn you over the the cops. i'll kick your ass; or bash your head in. good luck!!


Anonymous gabrielle is a gaywad.

Catch him:


Post a Comment

January 22, 2005

Fuck Tony Robbins, What You NEED is ME!!

I don't care whether you're talking about team scrabble, relationships, building a rabbot (that's a rabbit robot) or just pitching spit balls to fourth grade faggot little leaguers -- you will never ever ever be a *necessary* part of that equation. Believe it or not, they will be just fine without you. Trust me. Nobody needs you and if you find yourself upset by this fact, if you find yourself collecting your shit off the street in a rainstorm after your bandmates or girlfriend chucked it up out of the basement window onto the sidewalk -- you NEED to assess the situation and listen to me --- NOBODY WILL EVER EVER NEED YOU. The fact that this is what you desire is what makes you a completely intolerable manipulative fuck who will always be lonely and alone. DIG IT?

The goal is not to be "needed" --- it's not to be "necessary" --- it's not to create some bullshit illusion of dependence --- the goal is not to be REQUIRED the goal is to be DESIRED.

Here's a novel idea, rather than manipulating and giving your sneaky speeches about how "nobody will ever love you like I love you" -- try shooting for desire. hmmmnnn never thought of that? well there's your problem --- you are a manipulative dillusional fuck and that's why everyone high tails it out of there even though you have done your best to be NECESSARY and irreplaceable, -- well ---- guess what -- YOU"RE NOT. Any numb nutts could take your place pissing and moaning -- any fucking bag of snot could step in for your sludging around attempting to make everyone around you feel like they NEED you. Nobody needs you --- nobody ever will NEED you. Again --- seek to be desired.

I can hear you, you're doing it right now --- it's like you can't stop.

"But legally they do need me -- I'm the one who started the band and I even trademarked our name and logo." you say.

Look, the name sucks. Get over it. They will come up with a better one after they kick you out. get over yourself.

"But they can't kick me out, it's my band."

Ever heard of David Lee Roth? -- Ok that's a bad example.

But regardless, you go right on ahead, try to trick the other fags in your crappy band into believing that without your awesome genius on the wiener banjo they'd be nothing but a bunch of fags in a crappy band. Seriously -- go for it. You know what? They might even fall for it for a little while -- depending on how shitty the band really is and how stupid your band mates are -- they might even fall for it forever. However, it's much more likely that eventually they will get tired of your manipulative, dillusional bullshit and hire a hot chick to do your job -- and she might even grasp the whole concept, she might even give discount blow jobs. YOU"RE NOT NECESSARY.

I'll say it again --- your goal should be to be DESIRED not REQUIRED.

But how? you say.
Try this, ask yourself these simple questions:

Do you make people laugh? or do you call them stupid when they laugh?

Do you play the wiener banjo better than anyone in history or do you make boring speeches about the wiener banjo and it's influence in musical history.

Are you the raddest dresser on your block or do you exclaim that people who put forth effort to dress uniquely are just doing it for attention.

Do you rock out on your wiener banjo no matter what type of recording gear is in front of you or do spew forth useless crap about how analog is superior because "digital is just so cold".

I could go on here but I don't think I need to.

Just take assessment of the people you know, chances are that a few of them are trying to make themselves feel necessary by constantly subtly tearing you down and rebuilding you in their image --(kinda like what I am doing here) you secretly hate these people and eventually you should kill them with a hammer. Now think of those few people who always have something funny or smart to say, who always dress to impress, who always have a an option available to make the situation better and more fun. Just be like that (if you can't think of anyone like that, you might be in more trouble than we thought). Be pleasant to work with, Actually get smart instead of just acting smart. Actually be creative instead of throwing roadblocks up for those who are actually creative. Instead of shunning and berating those with more talent and wit -- learn from them --- worship them if you have to. Just do something before it's too late.

Just be the type of person that you would want to be stuck with on a desert island. Laziness won't work here. Lots of work is required to truly be desired.

OK -- I'm sick of writing about this. I'm starting to sound like that fucking horsehead Tony Robbins. You don't deserve my help anyway. Fuck off.

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

dude -- that shit is fucked up -- you are the one who needs this advice you fucking jerk. why don't you go vote for george bush and suck tony robbins saggy nuttsack.


Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

i think you are right. i suck. seriously now i am really sad. thanks alot merkley. you are an angel. i need you.


Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

You're one silly fucker. The last part is the best. I'm so lucky everybody loves me. I work hard at it...


Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

This post has been removed by a blog administrator.


Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

you should be teaching classes. are you accepting applications for apprenticeship?


Post a Comment

January 10, 2005

The Mighty Pen:
The Militaristic Elimination of Censorship Worldwide

It is abundantly clear that the primary enemy of freedom is censorship backed by an ass whipping. Controlling "the pen" with "the sword" has long been the business of despots, dictators, kings, holy men, dick heads, and rulers of all varieties. These people, with their small groups of ignorant followers both far and wide are hell bent on controlling the much larger group which makes up the rest of us. Pulling off their ultimate goals of censorship and subsequent control with any degree of success requires either constant development of better swords or fantastic skill with boxcutters.

Opposing Rulers, kings and peoples have for centuries spent countless man hours and oceans of blood on the quest for a bigger, better, mightier head-lopper-offer. In this quest the pen has been given some due attention. There have been songs of revolution, declarations of war and propaganda campaigns that have enjoyed some pretty significant victories. Lord knows Allah loves spreading his word through the internet. Certainly in this new century most of us have seen the power of the pen as represented by the media in seemingly innumerable examples of powerful influence.

In America, we love to talk about free speech, The argument floods our airwaves. More and more, the argument seems to be our favorite pastime. Some even argue against the concept of free speech, some think some pens should be dried up and discarded, But no matter what the argument or situation, at the very least, people here at least pay lip service to the concept. Even when someone jumps up and down about limiting certain speech to "protect the children" or "public safety" or whatever excuse they have, they most often quickly switch sides when someone jumps up and down to shut them up. Truly we have a healthy respect for the pen in this land of ours. It is this respect that we have for the freedom to flap our gums like drunken camels that upsets many of our enemies, because ultimately free lip flapping means the end of their parade. Their authority lives in the quick flash of the sword which is why the title of this article scares the poop out of them. They hate pens in the hands of their subjects. They should.

The United States of America has time and time again demonstrated the strength, prowess and technical superiority of her awesome shiny sword. We have, without a doubt, the best, most ass kickingest sword. But in order to ultimately win this war for freedom once and for all on a global scale, it's time The U.S.A. and her buddies take the real battle to heart and put the horse back in front of the cart. It's time to build a better fucking pen.

step one:

If I was in charge I would issue a challenge to the developers, designers and manufacturers of the world of technology to develop an ultra easy to use device resembling a laptop computer, that would be at once solar powered, wall powered, or hand powered. The device would be named the "Mighty Pen" and it would need to be as easy to use as a television, or common radio combined with a simple computer keyboard and should be capable of receiving satellite signals of all variety. This includes the internet, television, and radio. Upon opening the device, it needs to be able to speak in any language so required to instruct it's user how to get it going. Although completely capable of passive information such as the moving pictures of film or television and the music and information of radio, It must have the ability to easily teach anyone how to read and type in whichever language desired. Don't get confused, we're long past science fiction here, this device could certainly be developed within a few years possibly even shorter. Most of this technology already exists in the average computer owning U.S. household. The Mighty Pen doesn't have to look cool, it just needs to work and it needs to be small enough to be hidden under a burka.

Developers and manufacturers would scramble to develop the perfect Mighty Pen. Dozens of designs would be submitted by companies like Sony, Apple, Microsoft etc.. then a winner would be chosen, and a lucrative government contract would be awarded.

Lucrative indeed, the U.S. military budget is incredible, Bombs and tanks are very very expensive, surely we could spend what we needed to to really get the Mighty Pen rolling. For starters, the military would order enough Mighty Pens for an average of one Mighty Pen per household within the territories and countries standing as enemies of free speech and democracy. -- Eventually, ideally, one for every household on the globe if necessary.

step two:

Sometimes something comes along in the world which changes the way things work forever and this is plan is certainly one of them. As part of her military defense strategy, The U.S. would inform every content provider on the entire planet of it's intention to provide a vehicle for their uncensored content, free of charge, beamed via U.S. military satellites, to every corner of the globe, starting principally with the regions hostile to the concept of free speech. Yes, you heard me right, The United States military would beam, at tax payers expense, by satellite, any and all content on this entire planet, from religious nutball networks to The Disney Channel and HBO. From mongolian CNN and Al-Jazeera to the Albanian version of your local cable access bullshit --- EVERYTHING ---- ALL OF IT, even those propagandists who hate America, even chinese porn (gasp). No censorship would ever be considered for any reason. The FCC would have to finally go fuck itself.

Wait --- did he say at the taxpayers expense? Yes I did. But don't be alarmed this isn't a new concept and it's entirely American. Currently tax payers pay for sidewalks and public squares upon which anyone can express themselves so long as they don't impede with the free flow of traffic (and sometimes even if they do). It might help to consider these airwaves as the giant public square in the sky. Why shouldn't we pay for one of those if we can all use it? Certainly we'd all benefit from it.

Most companies of course would be more than eager to take advantage of this wonderful plan. They would see the amazing opportunities for advertising and finding new markets for the advertisers supporting their content development. Some networks of the subscription variety might object to the whole notion of free content. Major cable companies, satellite companies and the likes might wonder what their role would be. The U.S. would work diligently to find solutions to complaints and arguments against the plan but it would stay steadfast in the intention to beam EVERYTHING. The U.S. would constantly issue reminders of the goal of FREE speech, which isn't to say nobody gets paid. Free market capitalism and advertising revenues as well as exploiting new markets for products would surely amount to fair compensation. Subscription services could still reasonably coexist in this new plan, but free content would be encouraged.

step three:

Satellites would be launched, steered into their proper orbits and the beaming would begin. The USA would air-drop Mighty Pens by the hundreds of thousands into the lands and hands of these populations. Upon opening them, anyone, even the slightly retarded, would be able to access all the electronic information available on our planet.

The United States of America would finally put into action the term FREE SPEECH. The Mighty Pens would be free and the access would be free (well free to our soon to be former enemies anyway). Parents and individual citizens would finally have to teach their own children about violence and naked people having sex (goodness really?). Certainly many governments and religions would protest. Preachers and "holy men" from Utah to Islam would scream "Armageddon!!" It's the END OF THE WORLD". Of course they'd be right, it would be the end of the world, or at least the end of their *control* of the world anyway. Despot dictators? Well at first they'd probably send out their minions to confiscate these devices, a few thousand heads would be lopped off (but they were being lopped off anyway) Warnings of the "Great Satan" would blare over loudspeakers mounted on tanks and Toyota Four Runners from Alabama to Mecca until they realized they could get their own channel on the Mighty Pen. Some nations and or corporations would even attempt to blast our satellites out of the sky to protect syndication rights, market shares and what not. But it wouldn't work --- the genie would be out of the bottle.

The populations of the world, after having received these Mighty Pen devices, and spent a few days exploring the wonderful world of porn (come on, lets not lie, that's what everybody does when they first get the internet) would move on and explore the wealth of information the world has to offer. Eventually, they'd see Toy Story and Toy Story II, with their very own eyes, and they would no longer believe the lies about America being evil which were Incidentally, being broadcast along with the other messages in the hundreds of thousands of stations and millions of websites on other channels on the very same Mighty Pen device. No longer would governments be able to convince their populations that their ideals were being ripped to shreds by the Great Satan. The populations of the globe would undoubtedly realize in massive waves that; no, it wasn't the United States of America that represented a threat to their heath, happiness, safety, and eternal progression as represented by their religions and governments --- America was never the enemy of their government or religion --- Free speech was the enemy.

Oh yeah, did I mention that with each of these air-dropped Mighty Pen devices, there would be a fully functioning and loaded pistol with plenty of ammo? Yeah, unfortunately, no matter how mighty the pen, it's useless without the sword.

step three:

It of course follows logic that the populations of the world, these billions of people with human desires like ours, now having free access to PIXAR, porn, Disney, Turner Classics, Queer Eye, and the millions of other stories reflecting human condition, would revolt against their stupid governments. But they wouldn't have to do it alone because the Mighty Pen also has that typewriter thing that connects to the internet --- that thing where everybody can share stories and plans with anyone who'll listen -- and there is no worry of being shut down except by a bullet or bomb (and there are far too many Mighty Pens for that to be effective). Furthermore, what free country would not aide a massively popular uprising for the whole purpose of ultimate free speech and porn? What dogma could put that genie back into the bottle?

None. The Individual, having it finally bestowed upon her by the military of The United States of America, would come together in masses to protect her own free voice and thus the tenets of democracy would flood the earth and the moral majority would finally rule. With the tools of free communication in the hands of these populations, many, perhaps even most, would self organize and lead their own revolutions. Adding to the ease of these new revolutions is that the fight would no longer be the blind fighting the blind because lo and behold, these Armies, composed of individuals themselves, would find these devices as they rained down from the heavens too. Individual soldiers would smuggle these devices against orders and they'd experience the flood of free information just like everyone else. This would change them. The Mighty Pen isn't just an old fashioned leaflet designed to destroy morale, convince them that they are fighting in vain, or warn them of their ultimate destruction, no The Mighty Pen is every episode of Friends, Seinfeld, and The Simpsons with their international counterparts, the Mighty Pen is the Koran, the Kabalah, The Bible, Atheists Weekly, and The Satanist Gazette.

The Mighty Pen is....... everything -- all human thought, all human hope, all human desire in a little package. This would inspire these individual soldiers and armies to turn and fight against their own heavy handed and misdirected leaders. You get rid of censorship and you get rid of most of the fight against freedom. To be sure, there will always be those who will use the tools of free communication to spread the doctrine of safety over freedom, and hate over acceptance and yes, some people will always impose censorship upon themselves at the suggestion of others, there will always be those willing to submit voluntarily to blinders, but "voluntarily" is the key word here. With the world, or at the very least our most dangerous enemies flooded with the complete uncensored Mighty Pen, it would never be the majority again.

The United States and it's allies in freedom with all it's military might could finally focus on missions where it is obviously welcome. No more guessing about whether a certain population actually loves their benevolent dictators, the message would be beamed out. The United States and all protectors of free speech would know exactly where to go because all of these millions of people with their millions of Mighty Pens would be sending out to the free world undeniably clear calls for help. An undeniable cry for freedom would echo in every nook and cranny.

step four:

This is not just a plan -- this is a prediction. The light has shone upon me and I can see clearly where all this wonderful technology is going. See, while many lay awake at night worrying and fearing the end of civilization, I see what I saw when I first learned of evolution. I see human beings evolving for the survival not of cockroaches after a nuclear blast, but the survival and progress of human beings. Human beings will survive. Human beings have invented all the things that will utimately send us on to the next level of evolution whatever it may be. Fear will never disappear. It doesn't need to, it's a major component of this wonderful thing we call evolution.

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

seriously -- this plan is brilliant.


Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

yeah, if you're dumb maybe


Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

I want one


Anonymous bryon is a gaywad.

I see where you're going and all. And I certainly agree that "free-speech" is a fundamental part of "freedom." I guess I just don't understand how free HBO and Friends is going to unify the world, and put an end to terrorism and dictatorships. I think a problem with this idea is that, for most of us, participation is too hard. Why contribute when you can just sit back and watch. And, watching TV, the internet, porn, etc. is just ... watching. Soon we'd have a world of sedentary, unproductive, sleepy-eyed "watchers." And as you said, the ex-dictators too would be free to "publish" their thoughts and ideas. And they would. The dictators, the religious-right, the Communists, the Capitalists, the terrorists, the liberals, the environmentalists, the Jews, the Russians, the Saudis, the Canadians, and all the other "evils" would beam out their propaganda. And propaganda works because emotion and sensationalism always wins out over common-sense and logic. It wouldn't be long before the people voluntarily stack up and burn all these mighty pens. Longing for the nostalgic good-'ol-days of censorship and big-brother. Back when things were "right." When you didn't have to think for yourself. When the Government did all your thinking for you. Thinking is participation, and participation is too hard.


Post a Comment

January 09, 2005

The Tstinking Tsunami

First, as well as having nuts, I am nuts, I have almost as many personalities as I have nuts ( I have 7 testicles) -- two personalities of which I am aware are; the pragmatic realist merkley and the "fuck all yall" merkley. Both personalities are funny and extremely handsome. This little nugget was written by the "fuck all yall" merkley and is not in any way endorsed or supported by the pragmatic realist merkley. If you have any complaints, please address them to the fuck all yall merkley and he will promptly respond with --- "fuck all yall" -- it's fun.

Now on with the bullshit.

Fuck Tsunami Tstricken Asia.

When was the last time the tsunami part of Asia sent anything besides mail order brides and sex slaves to this country?

When we have a big hurricane does anybody from Sri Lanka rush over to hand out curry and mango chutney? -- No. When the World Trade Center was bombed, did anybody from Thailand do anything besides shoot ping pong balls out of their hoo hahs? -- No. When have any of those countries done shit for the USA? --- And before you answer, offers of bullshit hippie religions, wacky outfits or blowjobs by four year old boys or girls aren't offers one should seriously consider. In fact, about the only service that part of the world has ever offered this country is giving the stinky hippies a place to rave out and poop into holes in the ground. OK I admit that relieving us of our hippies does qualify as a legitimate service. But they ain't doing it on purpose so it doesn't count.

And now they complain about the help that they are getting -- they complain that the bags of food have the name of this country stamped on them, they complain that the USA isn't doing enough and they worry that the USA might actually demonstrate that the USA is the most cutest, giving, ass kickingest nation on the planet so they are restricting when and where US aid workers can go to offer Big Macs and diet vanilla Coke.

Not only that but most of these people are fucking Muslims. When is the USA gonna pull it's head out of it's ass and realize that helping Muslims does not make Muslims like this country any more than they did before. The US just recently saved a bunch of Muslims from genocide and certain death in Yugoslavia and freed them from an invader in Kuwait, only to be thanked with a big 9/11 fuck you.

And before any of you San Francisco Che Guevara t-shirt wearing brainless assholes start talking about how Islam is a misunderstood religion of peace I must remind you to pull your head out of your peirced butthole -- Islam has nothing good to offer anyone -- so shut up. There is even less evidence that they'd just love to live peacefully among the infidels. If you can't grasp that -- well fuck all yall -- start grasping.

Here's what America should have done when the tsunami struck; It should have said, " On this matter, The USA has officially decided to heed Islam's call to mind our own business."

Or the US could say -- hey -- listen, we'll help if you want -- but no more fucking bullshit about us being the devil or any other stupid shit -- and by the way -- there is a democratic vote set to happen in Iraq and we're just about sick and tired defending it and the millions of Iraqis who are excited about taking part in it from your stupid Muslim "insurgents" so, how about this, for every one of your "insurgents" that you call back to the homeland, we'll send over a bag of rice and a blockbuster video gift card. --- otherwise -- you are --- as requested -- on your own.

Oh yeah, one more thing --- George Bush made that tsunami and he can make another one so put that ping pong ball back up your butt and be nice.

By the way people -- get some perspective -- I don't want anybody whining about how it is uncool to make fun of the deaths of 150,000 people. There were 150,000 people at that big Sting concert in Brazil a few years ago and I know not one of your sorry hipster asses would have shed a tear if the tsunami struck them. Sometimes people have it coming --- isn't that what all yall were sayin about 9/11? -- yeah well fuck all yall.

...and fuck Brian Williams too.


Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

you suck. you're mean.


Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

nice one.


Blogger invincibleoverlord is a gaywad.

Ahh Merk. You're just so damn anti-anything-that's-popular. The truth is that it sucks when innocent people die for no good reason, and I know deep down you agree. If you hate muslims so much why the hell do you care so damn much about liberating the ones in Iraq? Anyway, I've been to those parts where the tsunami hit, and it rocks. I had nothing but the best of times in India and Thailand, and prostitution never had a single thing to do with it.


Blogger invincibleoverlord is a gaywad.

also, and I say this as a friend, you need to leave all the moving fancy web crap off of this site if you want anyone two every read it. it's frustratingly slow to scroll around on...


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Of course I care about those people --- kinda. It'd be nice to get a little love in return. That's all I'm askin. -- oh wait -- that's not the right response... FUCK ALL YALL!!! ---- whew, that's much better.


Blogger invincibleoverlord is a gaywad.

You love it when people comment!
Take a trip to Thailand, hang out and enjoy the place, and you'll know why they didn't come to our rescue when the twin towers came down: because they are poor and they know well enough that we can take care of ourselves. Take it from me, when you're rich (like the USA) and you can afford to help people who need it, then you do it. it's why rich Americans love pets. i take care of my dog, feed him, scratch him, take him to the god damn vet, and when I lost my job he didn't do shit. he didn't lift a paw in return. But thats okay, i'm smart enought to know that he's not really capable. Alright you get my point. And I'm not comparing third worlders to dogs either so just chill.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Well, at least you admit that you think of the rest of the world as our pets. I do too!! I just don't think there is anything wrong with swatting it on the ass with a rolled up newspaper when it pees on my leg -- ungrateful kitty.


Post a Comment

January 01, 2005

Frequently Anticipated Questions

Yeah, so what? So people aren't flooding my inbox with thousands of stupid questions. That doesn't mean that I can't anticipate them.

Watch me.

Q: Why do you constantly refer to yourself as a genius?

A: Because everybody else does. Sarcastic assholes.

Q: Don't you think that is arrogant?

A: I can't help it if I am better everybody else, it's just my nature, for example: Would it be arrogant of you to crap your pants? No, of course it wouldn't, it's just your nature, it's like saying that ham is really beef. It's just a statement of fact.

Q: Geez, you really are arrogant.

A: That's not a question. Questions only please.

Q: Are you a Republican?

A: Yes - absolutely, Fuck Jesus Christ.

Q: So then you are gay?

A: That isn't how you phrase a question butthole. But YES!! I am a fucking queen!! --- No you idiot, of course I'm not gay. I'm a Republican remember? I hate fags.

Q: Seriously, are you a Republican?

A: If you hate Republicans then yes I am, now get off my property before I introduce you to the angry end of my 30-30 you homo.

Q: Dude, it's a simple question, are you now, or have you ever been ---- a member ------- of the Republican party?

A: Uhhhh --- ummmmmm errrrrrr --------- hmmmmmmnnn ------ sssssssssss ---- uuuuuuh ---- ummmm, well ----- uhhhhhh ---- ahhhhhhhhhh . No. You. Idiot.

Q: Are you a Democrat?

A: Listen douchebag, if you have to ask these stupid questions maybe you should just stick with the non-thinking, irrational, partisan, mental rat trap to which your lemming-like can is securely glued. Individual rational thought might not be for you. Now stop eating your boogers.

Q: Do you hate Black people and fags?

A: No, but I like how you group them together like a tossed salad in a big bowl, hand me the Ranch dressing -- nice work.

Q: Seriously dude, don't be so fucking pretentious, answer some questions directly, nobody is laughing at your lame attempts to be "shocking". Are you a racist?

A: Maybe, sometimes, I know that you'd like me to just say yes or no, but I'm not trying to win any popularity contests here. I am an Individualist by the most strict definition which means that I accept people based on individual merit. I refuse to limit my thoughts to the point where I am unable to participate in rational scientific discussion. I prefer to remain open to the idea that groups of human beings as divided into races and genders merit scrutiny and discussion. Diversity entertains me, I am fully aware that every individual is unique and I am not beyond the discussion that races might have unique qualities too. I am also fully aware that calling a white dude racist is like calling a black dude nigger, and I seek to neutralize both terms and get on with a discussion that is actually interesting.

Q: so you ARE a racist!

A: Only if you're a nigger.

Q: Holy shit, YOU ARE EVIL!!

A: Questions only please. This is your last warning.

Q: How can you live with yourself?

A: Geez, you really are hung up on that racist question aren't you? Listen, I'll put it to you another way since you obviously struggle with paradox. My Individualism allows for the open discussion of race -- it's limitations and advantages, why are there more Black basketball stars? Why are there so many Jewish doctors lawyers and accountants? Why are White people so obviously superior and angelic? I am willing to discuss these things -- so sue me. But to satisfy your hunger for a petty sound bite, -- here it goes ---- all political public policy should benefit individuals of any fucking color, not groups. Fuck you and your stupid race. I don't give a fuck about YOUR particular race unless you are telling jokes or holding a microscope and a beaker full of an alcoholic Navajo indian's pee.

Q: Is that your final answer?

A: Sweeping generalizations = FUN. Specifics = SNORE.

Q: Is that your final answer?

A: Is that your final answer?

Q: Dude, that "WHITE POWER" stuff isn't funny even if you're joking. --- OOOUCH!! Hey, why did you punch me in the neck?

A: I warned you, your job is to ask questions.

Q: Well you didn't have to break my adams apple --- OWWW HEY, Knock it off!!

A: See that "Q" in front of everything you say? -- it stands for "QUESTION" not "QUEER" so stop acting like a fag and ask some more questions.

Q: OK -- I got one: Are you really an Atheist?

A: Yes.

Q: But isn't that stupid? Don't you mean that you're agnostic? I thought you were smart, you have no proof that there is no god. --- Wait wait wait -- hold on -- don't punch me -- uh ---- I meant, can you prove that there is no god?

A: Fine. Have it your way. No I cannot -- but YOU cannot prove that I'm not god, so if you insist that god might actually exist you MUST accept the fact that I might be that very same god. YOUR GOD. Therefore you are hereby commanded to do whatever I say and then take the blame -- it's just my way --- or as you would have it -- "Gods" way. Now BOW BEFORE ME dickwad. I AM GOD.

Q: Do you sell your paintings?

A: Thanks for changing the subject. No. I might do a commission. Ask.

Q: Why do you always wear those stupid white Payless shoes?

A: Because the only other people that wear them are homeless people, retards and old people and since I would never even consider hanging out with the likes of any of them, I'm the only one wearing them and people don't dare to copy me. They know they would be chided as I often am. Besides, they're so cheap that they are disposable, I buy them by the dozen. Until I figure out a way too make my own diposable shoes -- I'll stick with them and still be cooler than you.

Q: Why do you use such awful language?

A: I don't, cursing is fucking terrible and I refuse to lower myself by doing it.

Q: Do you hate animals?

A: That depends on how you cook them.

Q: Do you hate homeless people?

A: No, children and retards need someone to pick on too.

Q: Do you really have 17 brothers and sisters?

A: No, I have one full sister, eight half brothers and sisters and 9 step brothers and sisters otherwise known as "invaders". -- 18 total including me.

Q: Is that because you are a Mormon and your parents are polygamists?

A: No, It is because my parents we're better at divorce than marriage. But you have to admit that polygamy is pretty effin cool. But yes, I am a Mormon. They never officially kicked me out so I guess I can still do all the magic. --- Why -- do you want me to bless you?

Q: How did you like growing up in Utah?

A: You are really starting to bore me.

Q: How do you know all those famous people?

A: It's not my choice, I can't get rid of them, they are all trying to be exactly like me.

Q: How come you aren't famous?

A: I'm lazy. --- it's time for my nap. You have to leave. 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

When you wear your orange shoes outside the house does it mean you are in a good mood or it's a special occasion? Or are you just a lazy homo who can't remember to change out of his house shoes before he leaves the house?


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Sometimes I wear the orange shoes when all the white ones are dirty. But I have been known to watch the lifetime network all day long because the remote is on the end table. The end table is like five feet away from my hand -- way too far.


Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

as i anticipated....lazy homo.


Blogger josh williams is a gaywad.

I know famous people. Problem is when I take their picture they normaly snatch the camera from my pinchers and dash it onto the ground. Then comes the restraining orders teh family interventions and damn I wish they would stop trying to be like me.I feel your pain.


Blogger Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

I just can't take it. You are too fucking funny for your own good. Now run along and play nice. I've grown to love your rhetoric and dark humor. I'm also crazy jealous cause you have the balls to say whatever falls off your lip.At least your not a waste of skin, no you are very much alive!


Blogger Mingle/Gonzo® is a gaywad.

I once new someone who didn't like cheese?
Did you ever appear on Match Game?


Post a Comment


Blogger Kicks Ass!!