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March 30, 2005

If I Was an Upside Down Bag of Poop...

If I was a tampon, I would be totally fine with hanging out all day in a vagina, what I would hate, however, is being dragged out of the garbage and chewed on by a dog.




If I was a gas station, I would stop selling snacks and instead I would only sell shoes and matches.

If I was Paris Hilton I would hang out with a ten foot tall dehydrated vagina. Sometimes, I'd send the vagina on vacation to Africa and I'd hire interesting negro witch doctors to poke at it with pitchforks. I'd lay awake in bed trying to feel the pokes too because I always thought it would be freaky to have a twin.

If I was Sam Donaldson's eyebrows, I would so rule when I coined the freedom call: "Don't Be a Pushy, Dare to Be Bushy!" when I received the lifetime achievement award at the annual NAAPB (National Association for the Advancement of Push Brooms) awards banquet.




If I was an upside down bag of poop with pulsating face cancer and an ugly little red headed girl's voice, I would probably get my feelings hurt when people called me Aaron Neville because that guy dresses like a total fag.




If I was the mole on Aaron Neville's face I would donate all the real estate from my northern prairies to the cliffs and snow covered peaks in my southern most regions to Habitat for Humanity. The homeless would finally live in a land made entirely of blueish beef jerky and nobody would ever again notice that they smelled like pee. That's what we call a two-fer.




If I was a peanut and it was 1979, I would tell everybody that Jimmy Carter was my dad but that he never acknowledged me. Then, four years later I would find Amy and slip her a roofie. 9 months later a peanut bush would grow out of her vagina and then the word would be "incest". Suddenly people would stop looking all stink-eyed at Billy. Even the homeless would snicker at poor ol' Jimmy. HA HA, I said snicker -- get it? Peanuts? Holy shit I am topical.

If I was a really boring blog post I would ---- wait a minute --- what are you trying to say? Are you trying to get me to say that I am boring? merkley??? well take this - kljhhklju ajklrbsdh vksdghjv and THAT loihzsdffl!!! .asjkhvb ;akljhdsf vlkj!!! and take one of these too louifhgmspoierg onifsfdoisrrnocvao;i56p9834989yfbn!! HA!! That'll teach you to call a blog post boring. ------ Oh quit bawling you little queer, It's only a bloody nose. Why don't you just show everybody one of your fruitcake pictures of one of those pretty girls that you always pretend that you hang out with.

OK, maybe I will -- and I'm not pretending -- I actually know all of these girls.

Yeah -- OK, whatever you say you bloody nosed homo.

Don't believe him, I know all of these girls, and I'm not gay. Here is a picture I took of my friend Yana. I don't think she'd get in her underwear for just anybody -- I think it's obvious that I know her and that she trusts me and admires my talent.



Yeah -- whatever --- faggot.

You're the fag.

Wanna have sex?

Fine -- sure -- whatever --- get the grease.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught staring at a really old woman's shriveled up boobs! No -- wait --- DO get caught. Really old ladies love that shit. You might even hook up. SWEET!

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

Holy Moly- that made me laugh. If I was a giant turd with opposible thumbs, I'd hitch a ride over to Merkley's house right now and give him a poopy hug. Also, If i really was that aforementioned hunk 'o ass blast, I betcha I'd be studded with corn and peanuts. I had a great weekend 'cause I went out with Merkley BOTH friday and Sat. How lucky can a walking dookie get?
bs

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

merkley, i've stopped reading your posts altogether. i just scroll down to the bottom, with pavlovian drool oozing down my chin. maybe you should start a photoblog. this is getting distracting.

 

Blogger The Rabbit is a gaywad.

i can do a fightingly acurate aaron neville impression.

yes- your ideas about General X-Conference are amazing. can there be a fireside? can trey parker and matt stone give talks?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Cabbage,
Wait a minute, You are a SEXY red headed girl who takes baths in the company sink ----- hmmmmnn, If you can sing like that poobag, I guess ugly ain't a pre-req. Maybe it's just the red hair.

and yes -- firesides, we can all get naked and re-enact ORGAZMO!

 

Blogger Monkey is a gaywad.

HILAROUS shit AS ALWAYS!!!

Thank you!!!

 

Anonymous Billy Bunks is a gaywad.

You have your highs and lows Merkley???

This:
'If I was the mole on Aaron Neville's face I would donate all the real estate from my northern prairies to the cliffs and snow covered peaks in my southern most regions to Habitat for Humanity'

Was a high.

Good show.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Thanks Billy.

 

Blogger Ridzy is a gaywad.

i like ur style of writing

And i dunno if its wrong to say this but wat the hell ur mates hot! ;)

 

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March 29, 2005

Boring Is Worse Than Murder.

That's all really.

Except I'd rather hang out in a grave with that dead, brains-hanging-out, kooky indian kid who shot up the assholes at his school than hear your stupid recycled BORING political punditry one more time. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!! (all of my readers and friends exempted). Please -- for the love of god, go out and gang rape some nuns -- just don't bore me with your stupid arguments about how Michael Moore at least "get's people to think". If the nuns don't turn you on, you can even gang rape ME. Pour acid in my anus ----- In fact --- ANYTHING -- but please please please oh dear Jesus Christ in an easter basket please.... STOP BEING SO EXCRUCIATINGLY BORING!!! Ouch. That actually hurt my head.

And another thing, Death From Above 1979 tonight, around the corner at my pal Michael O'Connor's place, The Independent. All I'm saying is that it's too bad the rest of the band couldn't make it. The show would have probably rocked.




Now here is a lovely picture I took of my beautiful friend Maria. She is one of the nicest, sexiest, human ladies on the planet and she puts up with me more than any person ever should.




Holy crap she is hot.
Did I mention I am drunk? I'm sure Maria already guessed that.


FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

DFA1979 sucks. those idiots at Vice magazine could smear poop all over a turntable and hipsters would think it was the greatest thing since punk rock.

 

Blogger amanwithanenormouspeniswhojustwantstobeloved is a gaywad.

Hey, "those idiots" at Vice magazine made me a delicious PB&J sandwich!

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

is that maria as in miss maria gillis pie? i don't even rekognizeded her...

she is a pretty sexy lady and a nice one too....

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

Did you know that if you Google merkley sucks homos your site is the first return?

Congratulations, Merk!

<heh, heh>

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

I better fucking god damn better be the first result for "merkley sucks homos". that's the whole reason i started this blog.

i'm also the number one result for "merkley is fucking handsome"

with those two facts -- how can i lose?

 

Anonymous Maria G is a gaywad.

That's the nicest thing you've ever said about me. It's also a pretty picture. I love it when you get drunk and turn into a big softy. Pure love...

 

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March 28, 2005

Jesus Always Loved Me More Than Your Average Asshole

In 1979, when I was 13, Jesus once again proved his greater love for me over my very own sister.

Erika, my less loved sister, had been dialing the local radio station all day long --- like non-stop dialing, her fingers were broken and bleeding from so much dialing dialing -- to win a radio contest. They were giving away a record or something. I really was hoping that she would win, but she seemed so desperate I just didn't feel like it was going to happen. But still, dial she would. I mostly heard all of this from the other room. I had the inclination a few times to pick up one of the other phones and tell her she had won and then just mail her one of my mom's crappy Lettermen records.

My sister was pretty easily fooled.

I used to tell her airplanes were flying saucers. She would say;

"NUH UH, that's a plane, I'm not stupid."

Then I'd say,

"No seriously, the newer flying saucers all look like planes and they follow the same flight paths to stay undetected."

Then she'd get all nervous looking and say;

"What should we do? What should we do?"

Then I'd freak her out even more, maybe even convincing her to hide in the bathtub for a half an hour... She was older than me by 2 years, I did variations of this same trick bilions and bilions of times and it always worked.

Anyway, back to how Jesus loved me more than her.

So she's dialing like a crazy person dialing - hang up - dialing - hang up -- dial -- hang up.. finally in complete exasperation and defeat, she slammed the phone down.

I said;

"Dial one more time"

She said very frustratedly:

"NOOOUAH, somebody already won."

"What's the number?"

"976-KRSP"

I picked up the phone and dialed ---- and if you can't guess what happened by the title to this post well then you are a fucking idiot.

I WON! first try.

Anyway, you'd think my sister would have been mad, sad, jealous or pissed, but that's just because you don't understand what a wonderful, caring person my sister has always been. She got so excited and happy for me that she started to cry. It was like she won only better. And she really was happy for me. It wasn't fake.

That's the part of this story that proves that Jesus always loved me more than your average asshole. Because that little Easter Bunny motherfucker gave me the weirdest, most gullible and wonderful sister a brother could ever hope for. She won't even be mad at calling her gullible here on the internet. She'll just tell me how funny and talented I am and I'll scare her about UFOs. It's a beautiful relationship we have. I'm not joking.

Anyway, the record was "The Eagles -- The Long Run" -- my mom had to drive me to pick it up. That is when I learned that all DJ's are nerdy, booger eating, swamp dwelling trolls and all radio stations are located in a stinky, moldy, trailer in the very same swamp.

Now here's a picture I took of my wonderful sister Erika. -- She has 5 kids. The oldest is in college.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous kelly leigh is a gaywad.

she's pretty, merkley.

 

Anonymous bryon is a gaywad.

I don't exactly know why i have the inclination to say this, but you take some pretty awesome fucking photographs. I hate fuckers who can create amazing shit without even trying. I imagine if you tried to make something lame, it would actually turn out cooler than the shit you try and make cool on purpose. Face it ... you can't do anything lame. You and fucking Tyler. And, fucking Tyler's friend. And, fucking Tyler's friend's friend. Oh, wait ... that's you again. Fuckers.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Talking about yourself again Bryon?

That's an interesting form of projection. I think it's probably very healthy.

Now lets all pat ourselves on the backs and be glad that we're all geniuses.

TAKE THAT WORLD!!

 

Anonymous bryon is a gaywad.

Oh ... did I say "you?" 'Cause I meant, "I."

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

Now that you post pictures, I read more. But I don't think Jesus likes you more than he likes me. Today I found half of a dollar.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

If Jesus loved you he would let you find a WHOLE dollar. Ten dollars even.

He is obviously mocking you.

 

Anonymous buttergun is a gaywad.

The Eagles are dirty and sinful and no real Mormon mom would let any brethren in her family anywhere near that devil business.

Question: Why is it that most of your photos of women that I have seen are taken from the same perspective...classic cocksucker height?

Sincere Question: Do you ever photograph ugly stuff? (After you insert some smack about ugly bitches including yourself, yo mama, or me, I am actually really curious.)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Well buttergun,
here's the most honest answer i can give.

for the most part, i photograph things that i like --- or maybe more importantly -- people that like me. The beauty i find in adoring eyes is simply astounding, and i like to capture that. i truly believe that there is an interchange that occurs between to people who share a mutual lust or respect or admiration, or comradery that only occurs when feelings are real.

i always hope that it is obvious, although i am often befuddled that it is not, that i am deeply in love with real honest human beings and the true human experience. my life has led me into the arms and minds of some very special people and for that i will not ever be able to truly express my amazement and gratitude.

often, what others find ugly -- i find amazing -- i seek to emphasize these things.

i can tell you this, i have almost never truly gazed into the eyes of another human being and not been driven into feelings of comfort, love, empathy, and many times -- perhaps even most of the time -- even a little lust.

of course, on very rare occasions, i will look into the eyes of another and find contempt, rage, hatred, or otherwise --- these are moments that make me feel sad and empty -- i wish to forget them immediately -- certainly i do not want to re-visit them in the fictional, static state of a silly photograph, instead, i would prefer to be patient and do what i need to do to correct this awful situation -- and seek to elicit those adoring, loving eyes that i feel compelled to share with the rest of humanity.

thank you for asking me that question when i am slightly drunk -- otherwise, i'm afraid, i may have spewed a bit of bullshit.

to boil it down, life is too short and full of pain to highlight it and preserve it in a photograph. toss that shit NOW!!

i like to feel good.

 

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March 27, 2005

It is Possible That I Am A Dick

But they were walking too fucking slow. Learn from the Canadians already and pull over. LET ME BY!

There were two dudes carrying DJ record boxes, with two chicks in tow. I tried to pass them but they were hogging the whole fucking sidewalk. Finally, I got right behind them and said:

"Let me guess, (pointing at each one as I go) DJ, DJ's Bitch (the other dude) DJ's bitch's bitch, and bitch."

Anyway, they got a slightly frightened look on their collective face and let me by. I suppose I could have just said "excuse me", but then I wouldn't have written my new hit single; "It Is Possible That I Am A Dick."

Now here's a picture I took of my friend Sheri Sheridan.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

Ok, ok, I yield to your superior fiscal bonerness. But I'm sure you can imagine my skepticism when you said you successfully cursed Marilyn Manson's road manager.

 

Blogger deleted is a gaywad.

I love it when people tell me what I can’t do.

I was home tonight, a bag of broken Doritos crunching underfoot, feeling not at all sanguine about the fiscal outlook of my family. My thirteen year old was berating me over the hegemony of our economically imperialist nation. She was insisting that it will all eventually lead to the global institutionalization of that culturally fascist dictatorship: Disney. My homey walked in just then. Observing the quagmire of familial unrest, he plucked a Dorito off the floor and tossed it carelessly into his mouth.

“It’s all preventable,” he said.

He stared over my shoulder at the image of the lovely young woman on the computer screen.

“Man, she’s hot.”

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

nice job deleted,

you made my ballsack explode with complete rage.

i hope you are happy.

rebel.

 

Anonymous szugye is a gaywad.

You're a dick. I always thought you were a wiener. I like wieners better than dick, because you can put a wiener in a bun. Oh fuck, you can also put a dick in a butt...I mean bun. You're definitely a wiener in my book.

Note: According to the Germans/Nazi's, a hot dog is spelled wiener not weiner. Once again, it's in the book, but not my book.

Wonderful Art: www.szugye.com

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

you seem to be surrounded by so many beautiful women. must be the mormon in you.

 

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March 26, 2005

We're The Closest Family Ever

This is how close we are.

I helped my dad set up his own blog. To see if it was working and was registering with Google, I googled his name, Ben Merkley. Yup there it is, right at the top. But wait, what is this? ---- Hmnnnnnn, it's my dad making some kind of comment in The Deseret News, that's Salt Lake City's biggest paper. Oh looky there, turns out my very own brother Dan and his wife were in the Malidive Islands when the tsunami hit.
Salt Lake City resident Ben Merkley said his son and daughter-in-law were on a small atoll in the Maldive Islands when the killer waves hit. Fortunately, Dan Merkley and his wife, Marshawn, escaped injury because their island happened to be sheltered by a larger island that took the brunt of the hit.
"They could see the water rising, and it came to the top of the beach," Ben Merkley said, after speaking Sunday by cell phone with his son, an actor who portrayed park ranger Tartan Jones in this summer's Mormon-theme movie, "Baptist At Our Barbecue."

Considering that the couple had considered Sri Lanka as a vacation destination and had also spent the previous day on Male, which "was inundated with water," Ben said he was grateful the couple was unharmed.
"I was astounded," he said. "It all missed them by only a hair's breadth."
Apparently this news is big enough to print in one of the nations big newspapers but not big enough to tell me, the coolest member of our family. I have to find it out from Google. THREE MONTHS LATER!

Granted, I have 17 siblings. But sheesh, one of them narrowly escaped death by the fucking god damn tsunami, THE BIGGEST NATURAL DISASTER OF MY LIFETIME! Make a frickin' phone call.




We're so close.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

holy shit, merkley, that's the funniest photoshop i've ever seen.

 

Anonymous gabrielle. is a gaywad.

the picture doesnt work. all i like are pictures and it doesnt work.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

It works for everybody else, just not you because you are a JEW and today is Easter.

Complain to Jesus.

 

Blogger The Rabbit is a gaywad.

your brother is totally hot.

 

Blogger The Rabbit is a gaywad.

wow. i watched all of the clips.
i can't wait to own it on dvd.
tartan jones, you capture my very heart.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Cabbage,

What am I? chopped poop?

Don't make me start talking about YOUR sister.

 

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March 24, 2005

My vegetable. MINE!!

So I ran into Michael and Terry Schaivo in the produce section at Safeway.

???: Hey, nice retard ya got there, what's her name?

MS: Her name is Terry. She is not a retard. She has absolutely no thought and no feeling. She is a vegetable. She's my wife.

???: Hmmmn... Who is that other lady?

MS: Thats' my girlfriend.

???: Sweet... very progressive. I like. You three look happy together, Why is Terry smiling?

MS: That's not a smile. That's your basic vegetable expression.

I quickly scan the squash section looking for that same smile. Out of the corner of my eye I notice a pumpkin that seems to be grinning but then I realize that it is Terry Schaivo. I spot no smiling vegetables and definitely none with boobs or big yellow teeth.

???: Whatever you say I guess. Anyway, Why are you and the girlfriend smiling?

MS: Because Terry is about to get her wish.

???: Wish? What wish? I thought you just said she is a vegetable. Do all of these vegetables have wishes?

MS: Listen asshole. Don't you watch the news? My vegetable had a heart attack, that's what turned her into a vegetable. Before that, she told me that if she ever turned into a vegetable that she would rather die. Now the court's said that she can finally die. I can finally yank her feeding tube. No more vegetable.

???: Courts? Why courts? Did you guys really talk about that? I mean about what if you were a vegetable? I like to imagine what it would be like if I was a bicycle seat. I always talk about that with everybody.

MS: Geez, somebody ought to yank your feeding tube. Courts because her "PARENTS" are saying some bullshit about how they LOVE her and like her the way she is. They think they know her wishes and LOVE her better than I do. Bullshit.

???: Hmmmmmn, I am a little confused. Why is that automatically bullshit?

MS: Look asshole. She is MY vegetable now. See this marriage license? That says that she is MY VEGETABLE!! MINE!!!!

Michael's girlfriend pinches his arm really hard.

Girlfriend: (angrily whispering with a huge smile on her face) Ours Michael, ours.

Terry leaks out a long squeaky fart ssssqueeeeeaaaaaaaaaaap. It doesn't smell like a vegetable, in fact it smells an awful lot like ham.

???: All right everybody calm down. Look I don't understand marriage and property laws all that well, but that vegetable came out of her mothers thing, she is half of her fathers genes. Don't you think you could at least use a little nicer tone? You can understand where they might be a little anxious about your claim to her as YOUR vegetable. Owning a carrot is one thing, but your carrot is smiling and farting.

MS: Which is exactly why I don't want them anywhere near MY VEGETABLE!!

???: So you don't even let them visit Terry? -- I mean your vegetable?

MS: NO! They want to keep it alive.

???: And you want to kill it.

MS: Not kill it you jerk. Let it die.

???: And how do you do that?

MS: Remove the feeding tube.

???: Starvation? Whoa... that's brutal. How long does that take?

MS: About a week. Dude remember she is a vegetable. It's like leaving a piece of fruit on the counter for a week.

Terry lets loose a thunderous belch. BUUUUUUURRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAHHHHP! I think I detect her smile grow fractions of a millimeter wider. She definitely has a satisfied glint in her eye that I recognize from my best belches.

???: A piece of smiling, farting fruit with boobs, hair and a big slobbering, toothy belching mouth maybe. Wait. Isn't starvation illegal? Like I got a ticket once for not feeding my dogs for two weeks. I was trying to teach them how to feed themselves, I thought my tough love would encourage them to get a job or something but they never figured out how to work the can opener. Why can't you just shoot her in the head or throw her in a pot of boiling water? Wouldn't that be quicker? More humane?

MS: I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!

???: Dude, be patient with me, I'm not very smart. Let me recap to see if I understand.

Terry is your vegetable
because you married her
she told you to let her die
if she ever got vegetablish
her parents say that they think she wants to live and is happy
and they point to her
smile
and farts
and burps
as proof
and they want her to live
and they will feed her every day forever if needs be
but you don't want that
because Terry wouldn't want that
and she is your property
and the best way to grant Terry her wish is to
kill her
by starvation
because shooting her
or beating her to death with a hammer
would be barbaric
even though you claim that
despite her smile
she has absolutely no feeling
and wouldn't know the difference anyway.

Am I missing anything?

MS: Yes.

???: Are you gonna tell me?

MS: Only if you won't tell anybody else.

???: I wouldn't dream of it.

MS: The life insurance policy I have only pays if she dies naturally. If I killed her with a hammer, although that would be much more humane than slow death by starvation, I wouldn't get jack squat.

???: Ahhhhhhhhhh, Now I get it. Nigga gatta get paid WOOT WOOT! Starve her. Biaaatchh!

MS: That's' what I'm talkin' bout holmes!

We both do high fives. Michael's girlfriend giggles with glee. Terry keeps on a'smilin'.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

1) the case is costing him money to keep fighting. he's already walked away from 2 seperate cash offers to keep her alive, one for 10 million, one for 1 million. it ain't about the money.

2) while her parents undoubtedly love her, they are also staunch catholics who are trying to impose their religious beliefs upon their helpless daughter.

3) the husband has been keeping her alive for 15 years, hoping against hope. at some point we all have to move on.

4) i agree that starvation is a cruel way to let her die. i would have suggested a painless injection of some sort, but we live in an absurd society.

5) zucchini.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Accepting an actual cash offer would discredit his entire story. It would be suicide. Any idiot would know that if you did that you'd have to live the rest of your life dealing with an extremely angry public.

I know that he is already going to have to deal with that, but now it's a pissing match. cashing in on the life insurance is not like selling terry to the highest bidder. This is the only way he can feign dignity and hope to get away with it. If she is really a vegetable -- then who the fuck cares if she lives or dies? what's the diff? Sell her. Paint a sign on her head. use her as a sex toy. either you believe she is a living human worth humane treatment or you don't. ya cain't have it both ways.

Honestly, i don't really care what happens to any of them. but you need to at least be able to see the glaring hypocrisies on the other side of the debate too. as much as i like to target them and mock them, It ain't just the christians.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

and another thing. Who cares if catholics impose their views on vegetables? I wish they would make that a habit. although i would prefer that they baptize the tomatoes with the dunking method rather than the sprinkle method,

convert the fuck out of them pears! leave me the hell alone.

if the christians win, the vegetable lives. if the liberals win she gets cooked.

either way. i still prefer meat.

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

you're right. personally, i don't care what happens to any of them. however, if forced to choose, i would say kill her on principle alone. it probably costs somewhere in the neighborhood of $10-20K per month to keep her vegetating, and I don't care who is paying it, its a waste of money. furthermore, if i was a vegetable, i wouldn't want my parents (who are christians) keeping me alive because of what, in my opinion, is some silly superstition. even if they think its what's right or best.

if he just wanted to "cash in on life insurance", i imagine he would have done it years ago. i think the financial motives are just the easy case to make for the right-to-lifers.

like yourself, i hate when both sides of the political spectrum turn every issue into some kind of opportunity to win a pointles debate, but i think its pretty ridiculous that bush has yet to even mention the school shooting that took the lives of 8 non-vegetable children, instead dropping everything and rushing to florida to pander to his base of fundamentalist morons.

but yes, i also prefer meat.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

liberals need to be very careful what they say here. taking away the rights of a mother to make the crucial decisions regarding her helpless offspring is obviously advanced into the womb.

if i were in charge, i would enact the "i brought you into this world and i can take you out" law. life or death issues regarding offspring would belong soley to mom. if mom sherks her responsibilities or declines to accept them, then and only then, does it revert to the state.

state matters need to be decided by the democratic means set forth in the constitution of our republic.

although i dont care about the individual players much. the debate is neccessary and valid. there is way more to the debate than a veggie retard and christianity. property is the debate.

it all has to do with helmet laws. I am against helmet laws.

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

http://www.spiritdaily.com/meditation.htm

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks for making me weep and cut off my penis. thanks.

 

Anonymous bryon is a gaywad.

You two keep breaking merkley???'s First Cardinal Rule of Commenting. And I quote, "short comments are rad. Long comments are gay." Nuff said.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

busted.
alex and i are fags. well alex is anyway.

i'm the boss around here so i can do whatever the fuck i want.

now post a long comment bryon or YOU"RE gay. unless you really are gay, then you're a girl.

 

Anonymous bryon is a gaywad.

Look ... you and I both know that I'm not nearly witty or clever enough to come up with a comment of any decent size length. The fact that I was able to squeeze out this beauty is accomplishment enough for one day.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

I disagree.
remember that story you told about cheese and design and logos and logan?

holy shit that story was long. AND FUCKING HILARIOUS!!

get some new photo's up on your site then. that's some good shit.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

This post is wild.

Douche bag.

 

Anonymous buttergun is a gaywad.

You should be the Libertarians poster boy when they launch their new campaign “We’re Ruthless but Consistent!”

p.s pay attention to me!

p.s.s. fuckenshiternationboober

 

Anonymous Jerry is a gaywad.

What happened to Terri should have happened to Chachi. merkley, you're sick, but damn on point. She is DEAD...anything that made her human is gone. They are just keeping a meatbag breathing. And they let us treat our fucking pets better, one shot and she's gone. Not that I think any part of her is suffering, but, Jeez!

 

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March 21, 2005

"Snowballing" The Most Boring Game to Ever Sweep My Nuttsack

WARNING!
This entry is only for people who blog or are regular readers and commenters on multiple blogs. The rest of you will hate it so bad that you might actually murder me with fire.

WARNING!
The rest of you are bound to hate it too. Do Something else.

Making comments, both in real life and on the internet is a skill, whether you are being funny, smart, mean, idiotic, gay, informative, abusive, nice, asskisserish, clever, weird, or disturbing you are still really only saying one thing: PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

We are going to be dealing with internet life in this little experiment but if you are creative enough, the lessons taught here might translate into turning you from the boring witless jar of poop that you are into a boring witless jar of poop with no friends.

But more importantly, some people, by the graciousness of a non-existent God, will click on your name and have a peek into the miserable existence you call life. That is all that matters. PAY ATTENTION TO ME is all you are really saying. Remember that.

The game is called "Snowballing" and I invented it. It is a stupid game that is neither fun nor interesting. It does however pass the time in your boring, never ending existence. So stop thinking about your inevitable demise and cancerous death and PLAY ALONG!! Weeeee hooooooo!!

First, Make a list of your favorite blogs. These can be blogs that make you laugh, cry, vomit, want to kill yourself or even kill other people. It doesn't really matter that much, but you will actually have to read them a little so, take that into consideration. They must have an open comments section to which you can post whatever the fuck you want. You also must not have been previously banned from these sites for your quick wit and snappy comebacks.

Next: Start Clicking and reading.

Click your first link. Mine is Stephanie Klein. She is extremely sensitive. I imagine she spends most of her life in the fetal position sobbing and leaking snot. She would not understand the nonsense at the end of the snowball game so I picked her first. Besides, my humor is WAAAAY too advanced for her readers. Even if they did click they would just get mad at the word retard.

Her post is called "Open Your Mouth and Close Your Eyes" it's about a birthday party she attended for one of her yuppie friends. As usual she waxes nostalgic, includes little nuggets of pop Americana and remembers when she was a young, fat, horny slut -- I mean her entire childhood.

The board is wide open but make a comment that can evolve later.

Key topics: Nostalgia. Birthday. Slut.

When I turned eight. Donny Osmond was my hero. My birthday cake was purple. When my aunt cut the cake, I could see her nipples. What a slut.

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Didn't work. Turns out she already banned me from commenting. Told you she was sensitive. Too bad Steph, we could have become great friends. So what, I'll just use WebWarper and post it anyway. If somebody bans you. Delete their link. They weren't that great anyway. They don't understand what a lonely suicidal loser you are. Fuck'em.

Next link is "Go Fug Yourself" the article is about how ugly and lame Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas and Kids Incorporated is.

Here is where the fun starts. Copy and paste the comment from the last website into the entry field for this one. This is where we begin rolling our "snowball".

Key Topics: Fergie. Black Eyed Peas. Kids Incorporated. I am in luck.

When I turned eight. Donny Osmond was my hero. My birthday cake was purple. When my aunt cut the cake, I could see her nipples. What a slut.

Years later, I ended up test screening for Kids Incorporated filmed at Osmond Studios in Provo Utah. I don't remember if I met Fergie then. But a few years ago I toured a bit with No Doubt. Black Eyed Peas were the opening act. Fergie wasn't yet in the band. So I didn't meet her then either. But, she looks just like my aunt who flashed me her nipples. I'm sure she must be a slut.
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See how this works? You can tell that this won't be nearly as fun as Madlibs. But so far the only lie is about the slutty nipple flashing aunt.


WARNING!
It doesn't get any better, In fact it gets worse. Why would I lie about this? Your head is now in danger of cracking with boredom. Consider that a disclaimer. As consolation, enjoy this picture I took of Latrice yesterday,




Next stop will be my friend Alex Blagg's blogg. He got banned from Stephanie Klein's blog a long time ago. Now we can be reject losers together. Anyway, he has written an extremely heart warming story about a fat girl (I think it might be the young Stephanie Klein) who cries because she can't get a job at Abercrombie & Fitch but gets a way better job making corn dogs at the mall.

It starts getting a little more tricky with each stop. You can't really just keep getting longer and longer so you need to edit out anything but the Key Topics and shift things around a bit. You're basically, just wasting more time and staving off your own inevitable death by plastic hammer.

Key Topics: Rejection, Teenage Employment, Corn Dogs

When I turned eight, Donny Osmond was my hero. My birthday cake was purple. When my aunt cut it, I could see her nipples. It made my Corn Dog feel funny. What a slut.

Years later, I test screened for Kids Incorporated which was filmed at Osmond Studios in Provo Utah. (Later still I toured a bit with No Doubt when Black Eyed Peas were the opening act. Fergie looks like my aunt who flashed me her nipples so I'm sure she's slut. Corn Dog anyone?)

Anyway, I cried when I didn't get the job with Kids Incorporated. I was too old. Instead I got a job at an all you can eat joint in the mall. I got fired for sneaking corn dogs and sleeping. The manager was a slut.

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See? Still only one lie. Except it wasn't corn dogs I was sneaking, It was chicken fried steak.

Holy shit this game sucks.

Next up is Andres DuBouchet. He is a complete stranger. I like him because I enjoy his posts and he hasn't banned me from commenting. His post is a continuation --- oh fuck it, just read it. It's about Mondays and it's like four words long.

Key Topics: Monday, Panda.

I turned eight on a Monday, Donny Osmond was my hero then so my birthday cake was purple. When my aunt cut it, I could see her nipples. It made my Corn Dog feel funny. What a slut.

Many Mondays later, I test screened for Kids Incorporated which was filmed at Osmond Studios in Provo Utah. (Coincidentally I toured a bit with No Doubt when Black Eyed Peas were the opening act. Fergie looks like my aunt who flashed me her nipples so I'm sure she's slut. Corn Dog Anyone?)

Anyway, I got the news that I didn't get the job with Kids Incorporated on a Monday. I was too old. Instead I got a job at an all you can eat joint in the mall. I got fired on a Monday for sneaking hot dogs and sleeping. The manager looked like a panda. She was a slut.
Happy Monday Andres!!
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Admit that this is fun. OK don't admit it asshole. Who asked you. What else would you be doing right now? Oh yeah, masturbating. That is way better. You can stop reading if you want.

Next will be Adam Felber. Another stranger who writes funny things. His latest is a witty living will inspired by that retard Terri Schiavo in florida. His spin is that if he isn't a famous retard, he'd rather be a dead retard.

Key Topics: Dying Retards, and Feeding Tubes.

I wanted to be famous too. When I turned eight, Donny Osmond was my hero so my birthday cake was purple. When my aunt cut it, I could see her nipples. What a slut. She has been in a coma for 7 years. She likes her feeding tube

Many Mondays later, I test screened for "Kids Incorporated" which was filmed at Osmond Studios in Provo Utah. (Coincidentally I toured a bit with No Doubt when Black Eyed Peas were the opening act. Fergie, one of the stars of Kids Incorporated and also the singer in BEP looks like my comatose aunt who flashed me her nipples. She's a slut. I wish she was in a coma.)

Anyway, I didn't get the job with Kids Incorporated. I was too old. Instead I got a job at an all you can eat joint in the mall that should have been called "The Feeding Tube". I got my feeding tube yanked (fired) for sneaking hot dogs and sleeping. I told them I had Narcolepsy which is like a surprise temporary coma. The manager looked like Terri Schiavo or a retarded panda. She was a slut.


post comment

See how long and excruciatingly tedious these are getting? We'll only do two more. Then I will blow my brains out.


WARNING!
Even these warnings are boring. you'd think big red letters and exclamation points would help. You'd think WRONG. Here's another picture of Latrice. Catch her on tour with Handsome Boy Modeling School.




Next is Raymi The Minx. She is kinda hot (if not a total freak). I need to stop checking her blog. Anyway, Her latest post is about how she has a huge urge to eat a hamburger and if she doesn't do it she will cut off all of her hair. Although I'd rather not get banned from commenting on her site, this lame long comment might do it. At the very least it'll get me completely ignored. It might be for the best. Holy shit this game is terrible.

Key Topics: Hamburgers, and Empty Threats.

I wanted to be famous. When I turned eight, Donny Osmond was my hero so my birthday cake was purple. When my aunt cut it, I could see her nipples. What a slut. She has been in a coma for 7 years. She can only eat hamburgers through a feeding tube. No sign of any urges.

Many Mondays later, I test screened for "Kids Incorporated" which was filmed at Osmond Studios in Provo Utah. (Coincidentally I toured with No Doubt when Black Eyed Peas were the opening act. Fergie, one of the stars of Kids Incorporated and also the singer in BEP looks like my comatose aunt who flashed me her nipples. She's a slut. She smells like a Hamburger. I don't get hamburger urges anymore.)

Anyway, I didn't get the job with Kids Incorporated. I was too old. Instead I got a job at an all you can eat hamburger joint in the mall. I got fired for sneaking hot dogs and sleeping. I told them I had Narcolepsy and that I would sue them for discrimination. The manager looked like a retarded panda. She was a slut.

I know about empty threats. You won't cut your hair.

post comment

WARNING!
Aahhh fuck it. What do you want me to do? Stop writing in the middle of an entry? Time for a Latrice break.



Okay last one. I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY getting sick of this gay ass fucking game. Your complaining, moaning and whining isn't helping either. SHUT UP! I AM NOT A QUITTER!!

Let's visit My Blog is Poop He has one of the best blog names and usually has content to match. his latest post is about how MTV spring Break has turned into a giant SausageFest and that MTV needs to bring back the fun -- I mean titties.

Key topics: MTV, Spring Break, SausageFest, Tits.

Long before MTV, I wanted to be famous. When I turned eight in the spring of 1975, Donny Osmond was my hero so my birthday cake was purple. When my aunt cut it, I could see her nipples. What a slut. She was the first person I ever heard talk about Spring Break. She has been in a coma for 7 years. She can only eat hamburgers through a feeding tube. No more wet t-shirts for her.

Many Mondays later, I screen tested for "Kids Incorporated" which was filmed at Osmond Studios in Provo Utah. (Coincidentally I toured with No Doubt when Black Eyed Peas were the opening act. Their song, "Let's Get it Started" is the sound track to Spring Break this year. Fergie, one of the stars of Kids Incorporated and also the singer in BEP looks like my comatose aunt who flashed me her nipples. She's a slut. She smells like a SausageFest. I'd like to see her in a wet t-shirt.)

Anyway, I didn't get the job with Kids Incorporated. I was too old. Instead I got a job at an all you can eat hamburger joint in the mall. I got fired for sneaking corn dogs and sleeping. I told them I had Narcolepsy and that I would sue them for discrimination (I know about empty threats). The manager looked like a retarded panda. She was a slut.

Fuck jobs. I should have gone to Spring Break back when it was all titties.

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So there you have it. A brand new way to completely waste your time and everybody elses. I apologize to anyone who came here because of my snowballing and had to read this piece of crap. I'm usually exactly twice this funny. I know, that's not saying much.

Nostalgia
Birthdays
Sluts
Fergie
Black Eyed Peas
Kids Incorporated
Rejection
Teenage Employment
Corn Dogs
Monday
Pandas
Dying Retards
Feeding Tubes
Urges
Hamburgers
Empty Threats
MTV
Spring Break
SausageFest
Tits

All wrapped up in one comment that is guaranteed to put any reader to sleep in complete contempt. When thousands of people drop dead from sheer boredom playing this game. Throw me in jail. I deserve it.

When will you people ever learn that reading my blog is a complete waste of time?

Have fun. Don't get banned.


WARNING!
Not even the last time... at the very end of this boring post could that warning thing be funny. I'm telling you, the whole thing was doomed from the start. Unlike Latrice. I should stick with taking pictures of hot rock stars.




WARNING!
You might be really fucked up if you actually read this far.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger amanwithanenormouspeniswhojustwantstobeloved is a gaywad.

Snowballing is also a sexual act where a girl sucks a guys dick and then spits his cum back into his mouth. Also, I like bunnies.

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

i want to procreate with Latrice.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

That was funny, thanks for almost making me spit my coffee out, asshole.

Maybe it's because I've been up since 6am though and anything that is NOT a psychology text book is amazing and hilarious to me right now.

I found you by accident (through my friend who also has a crusy on Raymi whose replies I happened to read) and although my online-self is not half as interesting or witty as anyone you know, I can guarantee that when I'm not emotional or feeling political, I put out.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/propheticvoices/

K

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

Okay, why didn't I read this before you banned me? Can you see me Merkley?

What ever happened to "amanwithanenormouspeniswhojustwantstobeloved"?

 

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March 19, 2005

Haircare Secrets & George W. Bush is AWESOME!

Fletcher from Germany writes,

Dear merkley???,

I couldn't help but notice what fantastic hair you have! It bounces, it behaves, it's not too curly as to be frizzy, it shines and I don't think you suffer from dryness.....odor?

Can you please post your haircare regimen? I know this will be helpful to millions of readers worldwide. Please take us from the cleansing to the drying to the styling...just like Barry takes us from the dance floor to the bedroom. Thank you.

Sincerely yours,
A big fan in Berlin


Thank you for your question Fletcher.

The process is quite involved, but I'll break it down.

1. Quit your job. Most jobs require that you wash your hair too much.

2. Spend most of your life in bed. Laying in bed in your own filth for weeks at a time gives your hair time to really flourish. The nutrients contained in pillowcases that have not been washed since you bludgeoned your last girlfriend to death with a block of frozen ground beef will revitalize your hair and make it happy.


This is the pillow of a person who cares about their hair.

3. Cut it yourself. It doesn't matter if you know how. I close my eyes and measure by touch. Professional hair stylists have made a pact with evil. They have a tremendous conflict of interest. They want to make you look like an ass while slowly hypnotizing you into believing that you need them. Those boobs waving in your face are there for a reason. Any hairstylist will tell you (if you hold a knife to their eyeball) that they are trained to give you a hairstlye that will self destruct twenty minutes after you leave the den of lies and evil they call a salon. If you meet a hairstylist at a party and she tries to give you advice, tell her that her hair looks like shredded wheat. Then light a match. She will leave.

4. Only wash your hair if you think you might be making out with someone later. No sense in draining your hair of nutrients and organisms, making it smell good if you're the only one who gets to enjoy it. Unless you can rub your own penis through it, it's pointless.

5. Use cheap shampoo. Don't use a lot. I do it in two rounds. Round one is just to evict the bugs and plants that have settled in since last time. During this phase suds are uncommon. Make sure to smile as you see the flood of brown mud and dead animals flow down the drain. Round two gives nice suds. Don't over do it.

6. Use cheap conditioner. Leave it in for as much time as it takes to really clean your ass crack and nuttsack. I Like to take some of the conditioner in my hair and share it with my armpits and pubic hair too. I don't believe it does anything helpful, but I don't want anybody to feel left out. Besides, it's so slippery. This is a good time to masturbate.

7. Towel dry. Wrap your head in same towel.


Hates America. Loves soft hair.

Make it nice and tall just like your mother used to do.


Mommy.

This is your chance to really look like a fag. I suggest going out to get the mail or borrowing stuff from the neighbors. Taking out the trash like this is great. Find any robes or nightwear left over by one of the ladies, this is also the time to wear that. Don't act gay though. Act really tough. Good time to fart audibly and say nice things about George W. Bush.

8. DO NOT USE ANY PRODUCTS!! This means gels, leave in conditioners, oils, grease, poop etc.. Let fags, hipsters and all the people who spend zillions of dollars trying to make it look like they don't care about their hair do that. You actually do care and you want it to show because you are not a pussy like them.

9. Blow dry!! Yes, you heard me, get out that motherfucking blow dryer. Turn your head upside down, blow it all against the grain. You are really trying to fluff the fuck out of that shit. Do it how your sister used to do it back in the early eighties.


I hope that chick is a man. Check out those hands.


Don't use a brush until it is almost dry. Use the blow dryer on your nuttsack while you are at it. It feels awesome. This is also the time to see just how fluffy you can get your beard. Just for the hell of it.

10. Look in the mirror and tell yourself: "holy shit you are handsome" then say "No YOU are." then say "No YOU are." Keep doing this until you realize that it's not even the slightest bit funny. Love yourself even though you are a complete Gaybob Douche Machine.

11. Get out and let the ladies touch it. Brag to them about your superior skills with a blow dryer. Say BLOW DRYER really loud. People will admire that you are willing to admit that you use a BLOW DRYER!! Some will try to make fun of you. These are the ones who definitely want to fuck you. Make them wait. Let fag hairdressers touch your hair too. Just make sure to talk highly of George W. Bush while they do it.

Good luck.
Thanks for writing.


FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Siv is a gaywad.

isn't MASSIVE clinical depression funny, usually only to acquaintances and co-workers you are later going to mung later planting a giant indiana steamer on your chest

i fucking hate everyone, i don't know if you do MORE than me but you location IS warmer.

 

Blogger Siv is a gaywad.

isn't MASSIVE clinical depression funny, usually only to acquaintances and co-workers you are later going to mung later planting a giant indiana steamer on your chest

i fucking hate everyone, i don't know if you do MORE than me but you location IS warmer.

 

Blogger Siv is a gaywad.

i almost decided to do it again but thats annoying, i only did that shit by accident but sometimes, i am a real ass

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

how can i get my hair to look like alan thicke's?

 

Anonymous bignuttz is a gaywad.

good shit. how about back hair?

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

dude your mom looks crazy hot in that picture.

 

Post a Comment

March 17, 2005

HOORAY!! ALL MY FRIENDS HATE ME!!

That's all for now.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous maria g is a gaywad.

pure love is on the way...

MissMariaRules: so if i am reading your blog
MissMariaRules: i can say what i want
MissMariaRules: if you want to know my thoughts
MissMariaRules: and you asked
merkleymerkley: no
MissMariaRules: no
merkleymerkley: you have to say things exactly the way i have them scripted in my head
merkleymerkley: i say
merkleymerkley: what did you think about my article
merkleymerkley: you say
merkleymerkley: holy shit that was brutal
merkleymerkley: she must have really pissed you off or hurt your feelings
merkleymerkley: then i say
merkleymerkley: holy crap it almost made me cry
merkleymerkley: and you say
merkleymerkley: oh i know how you feel
merkleymerkley: that totally sucks
merkleymerkley: then i say
merkleymerkley: do you think i was too brutal?
merkleymerkley: and then you say
merkleymerkley: i dont know what do you think
merkleymerkley: and i say
merkleymerkley: i'm sot sure
merkleymerkley: i'm a little uncomfortable
merkleymerkley: i dont like it when anyone misunderstands me
merkleymerkley: or thinks that i am a bad person
merkleymerkley: i really am nothing but love
merkleymerkley: which is why i got so angry
merkleymerkley: then you say
merkleymerkley: well == did it work?
merkleymerkley: and i say
merkleymerkley: i still feel like shit
merkleymerkley: well what do you think could make you feel better?
merkleymerkley: i wish i could talk to that woman face to face
merkleymerkley: i'm sure i could resolve it over a beer
merkleymerkley: i'm not a bad person
merkleymerkley: you say, oh i know that
merkleymerkley: anybody who doesn't know that is just stupid
merkleymerkley: and i say thanks
merkleymerkley: you helped me a lot
merkleymerkley: now wasnt that easy?
MissMariaRules: yup

 

Anonymous Duane Call is a gaywad.

or do they hate to love you...?

 

Anonymous Duane is a gaywad.

merkley--you're so sensitive, i think it's beautiful and i think you're at least 80% gay. proud of you man.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

as duane so cleverly pointed out you are 80% gay, which incidently is why i like you so much. gay dudes are so much cooler that regular straight jack asses

 

Anonymous duane is a gaywad.

this morning had two funny thoughts:
1. driving my oldest daughter to school and she says "sometimes i want to be like other people..." and the first thing i wanted to say was something fatherly like "hell, why would you want to do that--you are the best you there has ever been...". then she asked "don't you ever want to be like any one else?" then a friend of mine came to mind and i said "sure, there are bits and pieces of my close friends that i enjoy and sometimes i want to do some things more like them. you know, merkley, he tends to say what's on his mind. sometimes it's offensive but usually it's very nice--things you'd like to hear that most people won't just come out and say." she said, "oh yeah, merkley, he's so funny, he's a cool guy i love his button maker..." and i said "yeah, i really like him to.

2. after dropping of my daughter i pulled into the filling station, got a drink and started on my way to work, steering with my knees, one hand holding my drink the other holding a new bukowski book open against the wheel. page 110 of septuagenarian stew, the great slob...

- - -

i was always a natural slob
i liked to lay upon the bed
in undershirt (stained, of
course) (and with cigarette
holes)
shoes off
beerbottle in hand
trying to shake off a
difficult night, say with a
woman still around
walking the floor
complaining about this and
that,
and i'd work up a
belch and say, "hey, you don't
like it? then get your ass
out of here!"

i really loved myself, i
really loved my slob-
self, and
they seemed to also:
always leaving
but almost
always
coming
back.

- - -

so
slob or not
i'll keep coming back
always have, always will.

duane

ps: yeah, yeah, yeah, i'm sentimental and soft sometimes--i'm suppost to be--i'm a father of four girls--but don't go getting you dirty boxers in a buddle--i'm not gay and after you--you still have to rely on all of your little lady friends (oh, and quinn) to attend to your freckle-ridden-hairy-thirty-something-flesh.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Last night i dreamed that my freckles were gigantic and various shades of tattoo ink colors. like countires on a Risk board game.

I am not very hairy. In fact I have almost no hair on the lower half of my legs. I remember my grandfather had no hair on his legs. I used to have it. I think it just goes away in my gene pool.

 

Blogger trisha is a gaywad.

I heart you.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

Stop wasting my oxygen, sooner the better.

 

Anonymous Szugye is a gaywad.

I like hate. Actually, I love hate. Hate gives me a big boner. And, I also love that you're starting to put hot chicks on your site. Note: That Duane guy didn't follow your rules. I almost fell asleep from reading his "maria g said..." It interrupted me from watching Three's Company.

Great Art:http://www.szugye.com

 

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Tourette's and a Cunty Bitch.

So I was attacked by a cunty bitch yesterday. Here's what happened.

Alex Blagg: Dude, some bored housewife made fun of your tourrets syndrome.

Me: What? POOP. Where? RETARD.

Alex Blagg: Over there. That woman with cum in her hair.

I walk over to her. She looks very bored and lonely she is quite homely, she has cum in her hair. My first inclination is to just leave her a lone and carry on. But she did address me and there is a big flashing sentence above her head that says:

"Please, for the love of god, I'm lonely, feel free to make COMMENTS!"

Wow, this lady seems like she needs a hug or a little communication -- maybe I'll tell her a joke. She looks miserable. Why did she make fun of ME? I think.

Me: POOP! RETARD! Umm excuse me, POOP! RETARD! I have Tourette's and I am underdeveloped POOP! And I was just wondering why you were FUCK FUCK SHIT POOP!! talking about me and making fun of me.

CumStain: Don't say retard.

Me: No, you don't understand POOP! I can't help it. RETARD! FAGGOT! I don't mean anything bad by it I actually like retards. JIZZ! I have Tourette's Syndr --BITCH NIGGER!! Syndrome.

She reaches into my pocket flicks my left ball and takes my ID card and puts up a magical force field around her Swwoooooosshhooonn nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnzzz.... then she starts recording our conversation. She is really proud of her tape recorder. When she turns it on she squeals like a dolphin.

CumStain: State your name and speak into the mic.

Me: Hey wait a minute. POOP! give me my ID back. That is mine. I need that. TURD! It has all the important information about my RETARD! medical TURD! condition. People don't understand POOP! me without it. Then I can't get my medication. BOOGER!

A scab peels off the corner of her mouth and thuds to the ground. She flicks my other nut.

Me: Ow stop that. Is this about me saying retard? FAGGOT! you don't understand, I love retards better than anyone. All of my friends are retards. NIGGER! I don't mean anything by it I swear. CUNTY CUNT!

CumStain opens a packet of skittles and holds out her hand. Hundreds of head lice jump from her head.

CumStain: Want one?

Me: Not really, I'm not much TURD! for Skittles, but okay.. ANUS!

I reach for one and she closes her hand and pulls it back into the force field. Fleas scramble from her armpits.

Me: Ok now THAT ---- THAT was childish, FART! can I just have my ID back please? Seriously, I really need that ID. Are you trying to steal my WHORE CUM FAGGOT! Identity? Please just give it back.

CumStain: I can help you but you have to pass the test.

Me: What? What test? What is wrong with you? Are you deranged? I just came over here because Alex said you were making fun of my SHIT BITCH DAMMIT JIZZ!! disabilities and I wanted to explain that I can't help it and that I don't mean anything bad about CUM GUZZLE CUM GUZZLE! it.

CumStain turns to a group of frumpy homely women all lined up in formation to her left, OK there are only two women but they are reallly reeeeeallly fat and one of them has three heads. they both wear armbands with the letters ABA on them. They look incredibly dumb so I assume they have forgotten how to spell ABBA. They look exactly like ABBA fans.

CumStain: Class. Do you see how our subject reacts when I take his ID and put up the force field? According to ABA principals, this is the desired effect.

ABBA fans: Yes Mrs. CumStain.

All burst into applause. This rattles dandruff from their thinly haired scalps. It's like winter.

Me: What the fuck?

Now I am feeling a little uneasy, I start remembering the movie Soylent Green. Maybe those weren't Skittles. These ABBA fans all look very hypnotized by CumStain. Their over sized nipples on their under-sized yet saggy boobs begin vibrating and making a hummming noise.

Me: Look, no harm no foul -- I'll just DYKE NIGGER WETBACK leave you be. All I want is my ID back. SPIC BITCH NIGGER CUM!!

CumStain: SILENCE!!

CumStain pulls up her dress reaches way up into her enormous, pulsating, scabby, wart filled vagina and pulls out a slimey goo covered giant rubber drain stopper--- ummm --- buttplug? She holds it far above her head and the ABBA fans all begin singing Dancing Queen. It totally freaks me out. Smoke is now pillowing from her Hooha.

CumStain: You must play the game!

Suddenly bunch of smiley face icons magically appear and float above her head, I am really starting to get freaked out. Those smiley face icons always freak me out, but now, floating above this obviously deranged cult leader/dictator/CuntyBitch they really scare me.

CumStain: Class! Observe!

She takes the giant slimey rubber butt plug and crams it in my mouth. The smell is ghastly. Smells like a billion tons of rotting fish mixed with the cum of a whole fleet of lesbian sailors who can somehow cum like men. I vomit, but the stopper keeps it from coming out. Instead the vomit fills my lungs. I am completely unable to speak. Death may come soon. I get out my two way and quickly text my friend Alex who got me into this mess. The ABBA fans are singing more loudly and more droney, they are slowly and creepily approaching.

Me: (on the text) Alex! help! This fucking bitch has my ID and she has crammed a butt plug down my throat. Something is going down. ABBA fans, Cum stains -- help.

Alex Blagg: (on the text) Sorry dude, I'm at work. CumStain knows my boss' name, she is psycho, I don't want to get fired, But I'll forward any texts that you have.

Me: No prob man, sorry for buggin' you.

CumStain: Class! Observe the desired effect. With the rubber stopper in place, my force field on, and his ID stolen, our subject has been completely neutralized. He will no longer be a threat to any woman. Rational debate eliminated. Mission accomplished. Now we may get back to being women who try to cum like men.

CumStain is obviously a genius. How else would she figure out the elusive magic of censorship and editing?

Then they all begin stroking big dildos throwing mayonaisse everywhere and chanting.

CumStain and ABBA fans: All hail the A.B.A., Rubber stopper saves the day! All hail the A.B.A., rubber stopper saves the day. Then they all eat skittles out of each others vaginas. This part I kinda like. The three headed one gets a couple mouths full of boobie too. Awesome. Then a dead moldy rodent plops out of CumStains flapping vagina. Not awesome.

The chanting and skittle diving lasts exactly 4 minutes. Cumstain then lifts her dress exposing once again her horrific steamy vagina, she places my ID on the ground and stands directly above it. Then a small putrid reddish stream flows directly out of her gaping hole straight down and coats my ID with what I can only guess is some kind of mixture of menstrual blood and whatever it is that vaginal warts produce -- which explains a lot about the preceding events. The smell melts my brain.

Me: (in my liquified head) Eeesh, I'm not sure I want that ID back now.

Then a giant sucking sound comes from her huge pulsating gash and my ID is sucked right off the ground and disappears ---- burp. All erupt in grand applause. The rodent comes back to life.

CumStain: Class dismissed. Game resumes tomorrow at 9am sharp!

And suddenly poof they are all gone. Not the stench though, that remains. I wiggle the stopper loose, cough out a few quarts of vomit and I collapse. I spend exactly six minutes sobbing like a total fag. Why? Why? I moan.. why have I been cursed with FAGGOT NIGGER! this awful disease. Why not mumps? I'll take vaginal warts, anything but this awful awful tourrets.

Finally I gather myself and go home. I crawl in bed and get on the internet. I do a search for CumStain and find her blog. And I realize that although she has removed the original insult that started this whole mess, she has transcribed the recording and placed an edited portion in the comments section of the post that used to be located here. She renames me Subject M, calls me a troll, and then deletes her own post. This hurts my feelings. I was only trying to make friends. DAMN YOU TOURETTE'S SYNDROME. DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!! I spend the next few hours reading and discovering that CumStain has two retarded children that she hates and wishes she would have aborted. She vowed upon their birth that she would exact revenge upon the universe and her local school board in any way she knows how. She has a husband who desperately wants to leave her but he actually loves the kids and knows that if he does, she will kill them or conduct EXTINCTION experiments on them. He does not want his lovely children to be EXTINCT. Besides, she keeps him locked in the basement. I expect that one day, he and I will be friends.

The whole experience was terrible,awful, lame, sad, exciting, hurtful, wrong, unjustified, unprovoked and utterly hellish. It made me consider shutting up forever. Human beings are just so terrible sometimes.

Then, just when all hope seemed to be lost, when the world had tuned into a giant dark musty vagina, I get an email from a pretty girl who earlier had written me telling me I was awesome funny and rad. I told her:

"Thanks, send some naked pics."

Lo and behold, ask and ye shall recieve. And holy shit. What a hottie. Women are not all evil after all. Some of them are actually terrific. It just about makes being heterosexual worth it.


Thank you Cindy

for a split second I considered going back for round two Of BitchFest 2005 but then I decided that I'll just order another ID. I'd rather just stare at these pictures of this pretty girl.


ouch.

Thank you again Cindy, May I have another?


UPDATE:

Wow, I think I just drove that lady right off the internet. Her blog can no longer be found. Deb, All you had to do was apologize and act like a decent human being. That is apparently too much to ask of some people. Talk about pride causing major inconveniences. Sheesh.

Also, Deb, I can see you logging on. (MMI research East Hanover NJ) Why don't you just apologize? We will both feel a hell of a lot better. I promise. I'm friends with the three headed ABBA fan now. ( She is actually fucking hott.)

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous Deb is a gaywad.

I have forwarded this post to my attorneys. Perhaps you have heard of libel? I cannot have these kinds of things being said about me before the PBS documentary I'm in comes out. Please remove it or you will be sued.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Then give me back my ID

 

Anonymous Deb is a gaywad.

I don't have your ID. They are called links and I refuse to put them back up. You are not in the power position here. Either do as I say or I will sue you.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

FAGGOT!! NIGGER!! Fine, I'll see you in court. Are you gonna bring the three FUCK FUCK!! headed ABBA bitches?

 

Anonymous Deb is a gaywad.

Please, this doesn't have to be this way. I apologize. Just take down this awful post. I am part of a movement that doesn't appreciate this kind of thing. I'm not taking you to court, just please, i'm asking as a person with a family to protect. Please take this down.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Only if you play the game.

 

Anonymous Deb is a gaywad.

How do I play?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Repeat after me.

 

Anonymous Deb is a gaywad.

waiting

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

I am a cunty bitch whore.

 

Anonymous Deb is a gaywad.

Im not going to say that.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

SAY IT!! or I'm calling PBS.

 

Anonymous Deb is a gaywad.

I am a cunty whore. There, now remove the post.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

I'm not finished:

I have vaginal warts.

Say it.

 

Anonymous Deb is a gaywad.

I have vaginal warts.

Enough of this. REMOVE IT!!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

I don't like your tone. Let me remind you that my readership is massive. surely PBS and all of your Autism buddies will find this post. I suggest you be nice and follow along.

Now say:

My husband hates me and I hate my autistic chidren.

 

Anonymous Deb is a gaywad.

I'm never going to say that. You have no intention of removing this post anyway. I guess we'll just have to do it the hard way. I have traced your IP. does the name Butterface mean anything to you?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

You fucking come nnear my dog and I'll cut your head off and shit down your neck.

 

Anonymous Trish is a gaywad.

Fuck off merkley???

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Nice to see you again you three headed cuntbag ABBA fan.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Anyway. This is gay. I'm bored. I want my four hours back.

 

Blogger trisha is a gaywad.

you are so scary. i didn't post that.

 

Anonymous gabrielle the tiger. am not a liar. is a gaywad.

You don't like Skittles?

What kind of monster ARE you?

 

Blogger trisha is a gaywad.

well, i am no cindy...but definitely cuter than "quite."

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

granted. trish, you are hot. i admit it. but would it kill you to send some fleshy pics? sheeez loueeze

cindy has set a very good example. cindy is the new group photo director. whatever she does. everybody does. deal? deal.

 

Blogger trisha is a gaywad.

I only have one nude photo. I wonder where it is.

Thanks, man.

 

Anonymous bryon is a gaywad.

I was just about to say, the one thing your site is missing .... nekid chicks. Strange arguments are cool too.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

fuck more on this page, i want to see lesbians squirting all over eachother

 

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March 13, 2005

Things to Say to Homeless People

What's your email address? (Best if you say it with a french accent and you mime getting ready to write it down on your arm. Extra points if you're holding a Blackberry)

"You reeeeally smell like pee." (Best if they are minding their own business eating beans out of a paper cup.)

I'm sorry, I don't understand what you are saying to me because I don't speak English. (This ONLY works if english is your first language and you really a-nun-ci-ate. If not, see above because anything else you say would probably sound dumb. Especially if you are french. In that case, you smell like pee too so shut-up and leave our homeless people alone. Socialist Fag.)

I'll give you ten bucks if I can punch you in the arm. (Only works if you punch them in the arm no matter what they say and then throw a handful of change out into the street and yell "Weeee I'm Rich!!" Double extra points if you really are rich.)

Wow, you look terrible, you should go home and take a nap! (Best if you point at the nearest cardboard box or empty Big Gulp cup. A dumpster works too.)

Long day at the office eh? (Should be whispered to a sleeping homeless person and should ALWAYS be followed up with: Nice scabs!)

Sir, what you need to do is shave, and get a job like a real man. (Only works if said to a homeless woman with a child.)

Holy crap! You scared me! I thought you were dead. Dad? (Again, best said to a woman. Should be followed by a really long hug. Make sure to grab ass. Extra points if the bum is of a different race. Black male talking to white woman is best.)

Howe Squatting Bear. You bring shame upon our tribe Squatting Bear. Shame us no more Squatting Bear, get drunk Squatting Bear, here's a nickle Squatting Bear, gamble Squatting Bear. (This ONLY works if you can find a Native American hobo hanging out with a really pasty white hobo. Say it directly to the white hobo and wink when you give him a nickle for the slots. Extra extra points if you're only wearing a loin cloth and have a feather in your hair.)

Generally, it's nice to wait for them to approach you asking for money or offering to sell you plastic bags or a shoe. But hey, why wait. If you see a homeless person, walk staight up to them and start making offers. Remember, it's not your fault that they are homeless. But it is your fault if they get away with it.

I hope this was helpful.
I love you.
BFF

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger SnugglesMug is a gaywad.

I live right by a Indian reservation. I was just telling my friend the other day "I hate poor Indians", They get free money from the US government (some $80,000/year) and their still all poor. Damn these frivalous natives.

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

you forgot the old classic, "hey, Burning Man ended three weeks ago. time to sober up, clean off the crusted poop, and follow around a jam band until next year."

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

This post is supposed to be funny? Making fun of the homeless is funny now? I'd like to see how hard you'd laugh if tragedy struck you and you found yourself cold and alone on the streets. Don't think it couldn't happen. Your obvious lack of any visible talent or compassion should be fair enough warning. You really might want to take a close look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are really serving humanity with your hateful cliche crap.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

I would look in the mirror if could bear the sight of the beast glaring hatefully back at me. Truth is I am manic depressive and i have stopped taking my medication. Last time this happened I spent four weeks in a mental institution for attempted suicide. The only thing I own in the world is a seething, festering self-hatred.

Your comments have really struck a chord. I am truly a worthless pile of crap. I'm not trying to be sarcastic or funny here. I am being dead serious. What I wrote about my fellow human beings makes me sick to my fat ugly stomach. I'm going to delete it.

Why? Why am I so awful? Fuck me. I don't deserve a friend in the world. I used to be a good Mormon boy now all I can seem to do is laugh at the misfortunes of others. This atheist crap is getting me nowhere. Life was better when I believed in god. At least I had hope. At least I had friends. Shit. This is unbearably awful. It needs to end. I want out. I want to feel happiness again. I want to feel love. I want to be able to love. uuuuuuuugh. It's all just emptiness punctuated with pain. This needs to end.

I'm ugly. I'm fat. I'm mean. I stink. I'm lazy. I'm boring. I'm facing financial ruin. Girls find me repulsive. My dogs spend most of their time next door.

This is my last post.

What a lame place to leave a suicide note eh?

Somehow appropriate though.

Nobody will read it. Available to the whole world yet, nobody cares. They shouldn't.

Don't blame my parents. I take full credit for my wickedness. I deserve everything that is coming.




Just kidding. ---weeee haw! Now let's go light some homeless people on FIRE!!

 

Anonymous butter gun is a gaywad.

Dood,

Prepare to start dismissing. I think you are funny, I think you are talented, I think I can't read this shit anymore. It makes me panicky and sad. I know that doesn't matter to you. I am an idiot, I almost started crying. I hope good things happen to you.

Much love

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Holy crap people.

Life is a bitch, terrible shit happens. fucking force in a weak smile every once in a while. Crying? Crying? This post almost made you cry?
Get a grip on yourself. Nobody is actually proposing to do any of this shit. Its only funny because it would be so terribly fucking wrong to actually do it.

Anyone who would actually do any of the things above should be strung up and stoned to death.

Wait -- is that too graphic? OK. they should be hugged

When a cartoon cat blows up, LAUGH! when a real cat blows up, well, I seriously doubt you will be confrtonted with that. But if by chance, by some stretch of reality you stumble upon a cat with a fire cracker up its butt and it goes off before you can save it, make a decision. Are you gonna sit there and cry or are you gonna realize how incredibly crazy and terrible and funny it all is? And that's a terrible example. The stuff above is pretend.

It's a choice how we deal with the pain of the reality of the sometimes terrible and tragic nature of the world.

FUCKING LOOSEN UP!!

I imagine you probably spend too much time crying anyway. That can be fixed.

Seriously. I'd apologize but I really think you are due for a check up.

Anonymous above is a fake. I posted it. DUH!!

PRETENDING! IT"S PRETENDING!

 

Blogger SnugglesMug is a gaywad.

No, really, I don't like homeless native americans.

So let's bring on those stones bitches.

 

Blogger invincibleoverlord is a gaywad.

What about things to say to door to door solicitors:(I hate them even more than the homeless)

"tell you what, I'll buy your magazines if you buy my house"

"can you hold on a second, I was just about to come" then reach into your pants.

"hey whats your address, because I was thinking about coming over to your house at dinnertime and trying to high pressure sell you high speed internet"

okay mine aren't too funny but can you guys come up with some better ones?

 

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Things To Say To A Dog or Retard

Unlike most dickhead humans, dogs have a good sense of humor. Okay, Maybe they don't --- but they are very very dumb and that's just as good. As long as one half is laughing, fucking hell yes.

Here are some awesome things to say to a dog while smiling and talking like a really happy retard. Actually, Do the voice outloud as you read this. Wave your arms aroound like a retard too, otherwise this post isn't funny. Do it. Don't argue with me. Jesus Christ, do it every single time you read anything on my gay-ass blog. It's the new rule.

Now. Again. Here are some awesome things to say to a dog while smiling and talking like a really happy retard.

Your brothers and sisters and parent's are all dead!

I'm having you put to sleep!

You will only live 15 years max and you're 12! I'm already thinking of your replacement!

You look gay when you poop!

My kind kills millions of your kind every year and you can't do anything about it! You're worthless!

You eat cat poop! That means you're dumber than a dumb cat!

I paid someone to scoop out your genitals and you love me! You're an idiot!

You can't even open the door! Even retards can open doors! Holy crap you're dumb!

You are my property! I own you just like a pair of socks or a candle! You're lame!

You fit in the oven! Dumbass!

Remember the puppies you had before I got you? They are probably all dead!

You have six boobs! They are *all* saggy and gross!

You're stupid! Go lick your nutts! Oh wait, You don't have any!

I bought you for $___, That's cheap!

I paid more to hollow out your HooHaa! You're officially worth less than discarded balls!

When you bark, you may as well be screaming "Idiot Alert!"

See this leash? Yeah, without it you'd get run over by a car! Dogs always get hit by cars! Because you're so DUMB!

You sniff ass! How GAY!

For a fun spin on the same game, switch to your deeply angry/disappointed "Who-Peed-On-The-Rug" voice and say stuff like:

We're going to the park.

Let's go outside.

Where is your ball.

We're going for a ride.

Come get your treat etc....

Don't wory about the momentary fear and shame that your dog experiences during this portion of your game. It just makes it all the more enjoyable for them when you switch back to "Happy-Retard" voice and inform them that they will not be the last dog that you ever love!

While we're on the subject, I have noticed and in fact even tested conclusively that actual retarded people are also incredibly sensitive to these same vocal inflections, gestures and body mannerisms. If you ever encounter a sad retard (truly one of the saddest heart-breaking sights in the world), don't be afraid to switch to your best "Wanna-Go-To-The-Park" voice and say:

"Hey Tony!! Wanna go to the park!!?"

I guarantee if that retard had a tail, it'd start wagging.

WARNING!!

Don't say stuff to any retard about their family being dead or putting them to sleep. I know I know.. It'd be hilarious and it would be BIG BIG fun for you and probably the retard, but you might get in BIG BIG trouble. These days it's highly likely that you'd land yourself in prison for some hate speech crime. Then you're the idiot prisoner getting your nutts clipped. --- Or tea bagged.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous Peter Frampton is a gaywad.

I'm gonna make sure to tell my dog how gay he looks when he poops. I'm sure i'll have a good laugh.

I love messing with my dog's mind. My mom spoils that dog ridiculously. He follows her around wherever she goes.
So what i do for a cheap laugh is: I take garbage from the trash can, spread it out all over the living room floor,(I do this all while the dog is watching me)then I have a good old silent chuckle when my mom comes home and yells at the dog for getting in the trash.

 

Anonymous butter gun is a gaywad.

dood,

Everyone looks gay when they are pooping. Embrace the gaydom. Be one with gaydom.

p.s. If you say something smart I will say something funny :) not that I am judging, I am in my fusion place.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

hmmmmmmm Smart.

huh huh huh -- rhymes with fart.

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

pooping is faggot shit.

 

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March 11, 2005

To: Michael "Slippers" Jackson From: Merkley??? I'm Sorry.

Everyone asks:

"Merkley??? What is it exactly that you do? How do you support yourself?"

I must confess that I've given many answers over the years. Most were lies.

Due to recent news events, I am urged by forces unseen to confess very difficult and humiliating things to you, my only real friends.

Whew -- deep breath. Here we go:

Although I do a bang up 5 minute tubal ligation, I'm not a freelance surgeon.

Although I am A HUGE fan of the poet/hippie/goddess/singer Jewel, she is not my wife and I don't own a diamond mine. Fuck that. I hate Jewel. Bitch. Truth -- aahh.

Although I'm often pantsless and I routinely drive slutty, drunken blind dates to their watery graves and my head is a gigantic red flashing ball of pulsating rosacea, I'm not a Kennedy.

Although I dress to impress, I am not a famous ballerina or golfer or grocer or dentist.

Although I keep a dead hamster under my pillow......
OK, that's enough occupational confession for now. Let's get to the big confession.

This is Sad. No laughing.

In the early nineties, just hours after getting fired for farting in my sleep at the last 9to5 I ever had, I rode my bike from Utah all the way to my hero, Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch.

Seriously, don't judge me. I feel like you're gonna judge me. Please, stay your daggers and hold your stones. I am already wounded. WOUNDED I tell ya. Geez.

Okay -- During that trip I became ---- ummmmm ------ ok ------ um ----- I became ---- ummm Michael Jackson's latest "It Boy".

There, I said it. I'm a filthy, dirty, shameful little boy. I'm disgusting.

You all know that Michael had meaningless romantic flings with that freakish midget Webster (btw everybody fucked Webster, I'm surprised he don't got AIDS - slut), that homo sissy McCaully Cockring and that handsome, dirty, two faced chimpanzee *PERVERT* Bubbles. Those were all about just sex. I was the first one with whom Michael Jackson ever fell truly, deeply, madly and passionately in love. Trust me. All true. Swear.

Crap. I knew this was gonna happen. Sorry, I'm crying like a gay ass baby as I type this so please excuse me if I get tears or snot or blood on the screen.

I know what you're thinking, and you are right, I was in my mid 20's in the early nineties, but Michael didn't know it. I told him I was 12 and I'm not too delighted to say that I had the penis to prove it. Fuck off.

I'll spare you the details of how I manipulated and tricked him into falling in love with me because I'm NOT here to toot my own horn. Rather, I'm here to explain why it is that Michael Jackson, by following my wicked advice, is in trouble for tooting a certain little horn of a certain naughty little "cancerous" boy. (yeah right. cancer. I hope that little cancerous slut dies. Homewrecker bitch.)

As I have been unable to contact him spiritually (our normal method of contact) due to the Nation of Islam creating a frickin' spiritual black hole around him (pun sorta intended) and because I know he reads this blog, the next part I will address directly to Michael or "Slippers" as I call him.

Slippers,

I AM SOOOOOO SORRY!!

I mean this from the bottom of my putred, evil, black, aching, B>R>O>K>E>N> heart.

I am sorry for telling you that vaginas were yucky, smelly and diseasey. Vaginas are actually rad.

I am sorry for telling you my head lice were cooties that I got from an average girl. I actually got them from a fat kid named Carl.

I am sorry that as you slept like a little angel, I whispered into your monkey ear over and over and over : "You are Peter Pan. You are Peter Pan. "

I am sorry for smearing you in Peter Pan peanut butter especially considering how rough Bubbles' tounge was.

I am sorry for peeing on you.

I am sorry for playing "Got Your Nose" too rambunciously. Biting, chewing and actual detatchment of nose is not normally part of the game.

I am sorry that I told you that I could fix your nose with gum and silly putty.

I am sorry for lighting Bubbles on fire -- but he was getting between us, and not in that hott kinda way like at first.

I am sorry for tricking you into taking a bath in Liquid Drano™, but you know how I feel about negroes.

I am sorry for telling you the cleft in your chin needed to be deep enough to hide four toes and a squirt of lotion.

I am sorry for telling you over and over and over that you were "Invincible". I meant to say "Inbincible" which is Mexican. I don't even understand Mexican.

I am sorry for humping LaToya on the merry-go round just to demonstrate "icky and messy". Most girls don't have two sideways vaginas like your sister. That was weird.

I'm sorry for making you keep your nose in the middle of the icky, messy business. We really should have let that thing heal or at least scab over first. I did not expect that infection --- very much.

I am sorry for all those "White Power" pamphlets I made you read, but it was part of the Drano™ plan.

I am sorry for taking you to the cancer wing in the pediatrics ward. Although it should be, every young boy's last dying wish is not to have their "magic wand" "blessed" by Peter Pan.

MOST OF ALL, I am sorry for faking cancer, and teaching you exactly how to "bless" my magic wand. I especially should have been more gentle with you. Neck punching is not really how we treat the ones we love and it has nothing to do with blessing. I guess I was just being a dick.

I know your heart. It is pure, It is *I* that am to blame for all this mess that you are in. It is *I* that should be in court everyday bearing the weight of the jokes and the cruel public. If I could trade places with you right now I'd do it in a billionth of one billionth of one sparkle.

SO THY PEOPLES OF EARTH -- IF YE HAVEST STONES THROWEST THEM AT I!!

Let's be realistic. That's not gonna happen. We covered our tracks too well. The Norwegian bank accounts? Solid. Even with this confession the world will scoff and call me a liar and I know you will not crack because, .... Slippers, ,,,, you are... WE are.... OUR LOVE is ... --- +++ >>> INVINCIBLE. or something.

Crap -- now I am really bawling --BZZZT --OUch --What the? --BZZZT -- holy crraabbbbzzzzzzzlllllssshhhht -- The computer shocked me ---- smoke from the BZZZZZZT KEyboard ---OW ----- Snot flowiBBBZZZZZZT --- tears -- bzzzzztttkkkkkkkkrrkkk --- fuck that hurts! - I need a BZZZZZRRRRRRRRRNNNNNT === fuck zzzzzzzzzzpppprrrk tissue ZTZTZTTZTZTZTZZZZ.

Ok I'm back from the emergency room. Where was I?

Oh yes. Tissue -- . Kleenex... hhhhhmmuuh. Ah the memories.

You know though, at the hospital I found myself kinda re-thinking our suicide pact. I mean, I think we should travel separately -- so to speak. It's just that, I think it's important for at least one of us to stay back and make sure things go right. I mean somebody has to make sure that you are properly sandblasted, marinated, pickled and wrapped in a cocoon of dolphin foreskin like we always dreamed.

We can't trust Janet. She hates you. She told me.

Here is what I suggest:

1. Have Dr. What's-His-Ass fashion and fit you with a plastic, remote controlled, exploding heart.

2. Half way through the defense part of the trial, Either Tito or I will zap you, exploding your heart and sending you on to the real eternal, MAGICAL Never Never Land. Trial over.

3. We will gather statements from top doctors who are sure to confirm that "Michael Jackson died of a broken, exploded heart." (By the way, did you notice the broken heart as an actual medical fact thing last month in the news? Who do you think was the genius who worked that out? Exactly. I told you that bank account was neccessary.)

4. The world will herald you as Saint Michael, Patron Saint of Fucked up Noses.

5. Cancer bitch will be dragged through the streets and stomped to death. Slut.

6. Once you're in Never Never Land, IM me and we can go over the details about what we should do with the ranch before I join you.

7. Don't never say I never done nuthin fer ya.

Sound like a plan? Good. Trust me -- my days of deceit are over. This advice is good.

Bananas and peanut butter,
Love always,
Tinkerbell???

P.S. Can you have Jermaine deposit a little extra this month? My pony fund is like --- hello - hello - hello --- echo chamber.

P.P.S. Thanks for wearing my Jammies to court. That was sweet.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

I fucked MJ once. He took me to a Laser Tag place and said that, if I got hit, I would have to pleasure him with a leather belt and a Burger King straw. Thank God I found Scientology.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

YOU FILTHY LIAR!!

You stay away from him or so help me Jesus I'll KILL YOU!! YOU ROTTEN CRAP!!

Why does everyone want to hurt me?

 

Anonymous Abrasivist is a gaywad.

Great graphics, funny stuff. Via your post at Raymi...check out my blog. Probably about same humour as yours. That's a good thing right?

 

Anonymous maria g is a gaywad.

Oh ho ho...you hit the Jesus Juice early.

 

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March 09, 2005

Martha: "Nigga Cain't Fade Me!"

News From The Future

So yeah, the good thing is that I still have enough hamburger in a pouch to quantum leap around the future and answer all your gay questions. As requested, I have been paying special attention to people in OLD news from your time, I know how you love dead horses.

The year now is 2020.

Freakishly old horsehead bachelor John "Whoops-A-Daisy" Kerry has unsuccessfully run for president in every election since his 2004 fuck up. He's never once even come close to winning but dozens of people still give campaign contributions because they loooove hearing him say "Whoops-A-Daisy" every time he fucks up. I don't get it either. He says it over and over and over and people go bananas. He's covered in scabs... he even has his own show on NBC called -- surprisingly "Whoops-A-Daisy" in which he just fucks up all the time. In last night's episode, he put his left arm between two cinder blocks and had a very feeble, wheelchair bound, one eyed, Jackie Chan chop it in half. Then he smothered it in flamable grease, lit it on fire and then he and the whole studio audience all at once shouted "WHOOPS-A-DAISY!!" Lame. Mark Burnett is still awesome.

Saying "Whoops-A-Daisy" isn't funny but when I get back, I'm trademarking it.

The Baghdad Disneyland closed. Something about Mickey rubbing his "Weapon of "Mouse" Destruction" on Islamic teens in the "Small World" ride. Turns out, middle eastern people can't handle freedom after all. Porn, hookers, drugs, Mark Burnett, sex with camels, you name it. The whole region is covered in goo. Gross.

Oh yeah, Goofy is gay, I mean he finally came out of the closet. He is dating Maury Povich -- who is in a coma on account of he is fricken OLD! I think I might find him and mercy stab him.

Shortly after her release in 2005, Martha Stewart married her former cell mate (gay marriage -- no big deal here, Jesus lost). She is now on death row in the maximum security wing at Riker's Island. As she promised, she kept in touch with her original prison gang, one thing led to another, she ended up bustin' caps in 42 Puerto Rican Crip bitches for getting all up in her grill and disrespecting her boo. They retaliated and smoked Rosie O'Donnell just for the hell of it. Turns out, the Crips never even ran their mouths on Marthas boo in the first place. Mark burnett made it up to make Martha's waning reality show more exciting. He's Awesome.

At her sentencing, Martha told judge Joe Brown:

"Yo nigga! Yall betta eat dat key cuz you know if I is outty I'll crack yo shit and wet yo ass -- biiioooweewaatch --- ta daaaow! Nigga cain't fade me! Nigga cain't fade me!"

Doesn't matter anyway, her company tanked when she decided that everything just had to be RED to show love for her Bloods.

Sad how once a bitch has seen the inside, she just can't seem to adjust to the world outside.

OK, Now I'm bored. I think I'll look up some hot burkha on burkha Disney action.

Oh yeah, one last thing. I looked most of you up -- bad news, mostly you didn't age well -- lot's of balding -- especially the chicks. Yuck.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

damn... i was sorta hoping i would become bionic by then. oh well i guess i could be bald and bionic right?

 

Anonymous butter gun is a gaywad.

Do they have roast beef flavored vodka yet?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Dammit. I just watched pretty much this same Martha scenario tonight on Conan. I'm an unoriginal failure. Maybe I shouldn't masturbate so much.

Or maybe I'm not doing it enough.

 

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March 04, 2005

Goodbye Poopstain! Have Fun Floating to Oakland!

Most ceremonies bite, especially marriage and the ritual killing of mexican hookers. Been there, done it, don't wanna do it again. But I have a really good, although somewhat sad, ceremony that I perform when needed:

I burn my underwear.

Face it. There comes a time when one needs to part ways with a pair of shorts. I don't care what you say, throwing them in the trash is wrong. Giving them to a homeless person, although hilarious, is NOT a good idea. Dood. DNA. Identity theft. It's real mann.

Burning them with hot hot fire is the best option. Trust me.

I will admit, it's a tough call sometimes. Which underwear need to burn? Stretched out waistband? A teeny hole? A faint yellowish mark from lazy shaking habits? Minor offenses.

An absolutely unforgiveable offense however, is a clearly visible, -- opaque skidmark. a.k.a. the poopstain, the scab, the hershey squirt, the jerky, the brown button etc... I'm not talking about the faint kind, I'll let a little beige one slide by. I'll look the other way. We get those now and then. They wash out. No big deal. I'm talking about the "Holy Crap What Happened" kind. The kind that makes you ponder your last poop.

I'll be honest, Skidmarks upset me. What the fuck do they want from me? I clean up. I think I have good technique. I have nimble fingers and good wrist rotation. I have even been known to keep baby wipes handy. I empty the chamber. I try my to make certain that mamma bear and all of her cubs have completely left the cave. Short of hosing myself down, I'd say I could probably enter competition. And still, every now and then, some little eager poop has to come out and wreck a good pair of shorts. WTF?

Or -- -- is it the shorts?

That's where it gets confusing. The doubting and wondering are reasons enough to torch ANY pair of shorts, new or not. Not all shorts are equal either. I've had a few pair of *trusted* shorts that I've been wearing since I was 10. They cuddle my marbles. They never have drips. They are nice, good citizens. They DON'T involve themselves with my anus unlike certain other shorts that just seem to be out to get me. It's like they crawl six inches up my rectum just looking for poop. I can't prove they are against me, but still, just to be safe --- I light those fuckers on fire.

I don't wait either (unless I have company). The very second I see evidence of this activity between my butthole, my poop and my shorts, I nip it in the bud FAST, because like I said, it makes me a little upset. Truthfully, I think it's more anger and disappointment than the love of ceremony that makes me want to burn shit -- I mean stuff.

But, call me insane, I refuse to light my rectum on fire, and lighting a poop on fire would be pointless, not to mention damn near impossible. Besides that, how would one know which poop did it? Was it the tail of the previous poop or the head of the most recent? The first poop is long gone and the recent one is waterlogged. At any rate, there's no reason to ever burn a whole turd.-- It's the shorts. Fuck'em.

The shorts burn.

I have these awesome log tongs (how nice) by the fireplace. When I am confronted with the offensive smudge of poop, I simply remove the offending shorts, grab them with the log tongs and light'em up. I let the flames flicker up a little, just enough to release a cute puff of smoke into the room and then I hold them under the chimney and say my goodbyes.

"Goodbye shorts. Farewell poopstain. Have a good time floating to Oakland."

And you know what? It's nice. Standing in front of the fire, with no pants, watching the magical transformation from shorts/skidmarks to flames/smoke, basking in the glow of my own burning shorts, feeling the warmth of the fire on my shameful parts... it just seems right.

Friends, I can't make a higher recommendation.

And don't get wrapped up thinking about the burning skidmark. You can't smell it. Grow up. Can a handsome man live free of your snickering for five minutes? Please.

Whether you like it or not, burning a defiled and shameful pair of shorts is just the right thing to do. I'm positive of that. I would not lie about something so close to my own blow hole.

So in closing, I say:

Doooooo it.

Burn those disgusting little bitches. You won't regret it.

Don't burn yourself. Use proper precaution. If you don't have a fire place, an hibachi or an old coffee can will do. But DO IT OUTSIDE and not near dry grass or gasoline! Pantsless is best, but don't get arrested. Don't do this with friends. Keep it between you and your shorts. We have enough stupid Burning Man hippee rituals already. Don't be gay. Don't roast a marshmellow trying to be funny either. It's not funny. Show some respect.

I hope you found this post useful.

Oh yeah, I'm still in the future. Underwear are the same. Sorry if you were expecting a revolution. The Fart Filter craze of 2009 never caught on and they still haven't invented unskidmarkable shorts. Honestly, it's a crying shame. So much senseless torching of shorts.

Thank you. Good night.

Best friends forever,
merkley???

I just taught my spellcheck the word "unskidmarkable". -- sweet.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

maybe if that guy from "quantam leap" stopped you from burning your BVD's, the future wouldn't suck so much.

 

Anonymous maria gillespie is a gaywad.

potty mouth,

my panties and i thank you for the laugh. i will be laughing louder when the tiny miners are disintegrating with the ashes.

you have been wearing the same panties since you were ten? i call bull shit.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

your missing the point. i DID read part of your post but only part. not all of it. i did not skip directly to comments. i never called your post bullshit because it is not bullshit...just not my steez...i don't like to read about poop stains. i tried but i got grossed out so i stopped. but whatever, if you want to misinterpret so be it, you have the freedom to do so. at least i was honest.

but i guess that's not really in your comment posting rules, which is probably why my comment got erased. oh well.

 

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March 03, 2005

I Have Fallen In Love

I always felt a special feeling in my pants -- I mean heart -- I mean hand -- I mean bladder, whenever I've seen Melanie Griffith, now I know why. Alex Blagg wrote a nice little piece that gives a glimpse that you may want. I recommend it. Or you can skip the foreplay and go straight into Melanies soul. Don't get any big ideas. She's MINE!! I'll kill that fucking wetback husband of hers if it's the last thing I do.

Oh yeah, I'm still in the future. Jay Leno still sucks.

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March 02, 2005

Michael Moore Melts Ending The Great Grease Famine of 2011!!

Have you seen the new spacey way they package tuna fish? It's in a foil envelope on which you could put a stamp and mail it to a pal. Tonight I ate precooked mexican ground beef packaged the same way.




Now I am in the future.

People are taller here. Boobs and lips are ENORMOUS and super super sticky. Electricity is made entirely from pig farts. Everyone has a pig. Now I'm hungry again.

Michael Jackson no longer has a nose. He had it replaced with a bubble machine. The bubbles are filled with sparkles and are actually gum. He looks happy. Finally his boogers are gum. No penis either. Lost it. Part of a plea bargain. Only speaks dolphin now. Something about blow holes.

Cold here. Global warming ended when Michael Moore melted and ended the Great Grease Famine of 2011. He was very very very very fat. Something about his farts changing global wind patterns -- his extra weight pulling the planet too close to the sun. Man was he ever fat. Like FAT fat. Super fat. Holy fucking crap he was fat. Fat. Fat. Anyway, grease has been officially renamed Michael Moore (due to his fatness and something about blow holes).

Donald Trump is dead. A lesbian negro apprentice winner bought a controlling share of his company and fired him (See what happens when you smash glass ceilings?). But that's not why he doused himself in "golden" pee and jumped off the The Trump Tower. Turns out he was just bananas. Oh yeah, he was a hermaphrodite too. Just kidding, the vagina they found in his pocket was Ivanas, he had it turned into a wallet when she died in the Great Grease Famine of 2011. Michael Moore ------- FAT.

Cell phones are all supositories now. I'm for it. Here in the future you have to check your blow hole -- I mean prostate everytime you dial the phone. Socialized medicine --- sweet. Thank goodness The Great Grease Famine of 2011 is over, the phones are smooth but everything seems just a little bit more sticky here.

Anyway, I'll be posting from the future until I figure out how to get back. If anyone has any questions or wants me to bring them back anything, let me know. Fat ---- Michael Moore is --- was.

Oops gotta run -- phone call -- vibrate -- blow hole --- nice.

How did I ever think of telling jokes about Moore, Jackson and Trump? -- holy crap I'm original.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

This is one of your funniest posts in a long time. I am hanging my head in shame as you have proved yourself funnier than I once again. Damn. Maybe I need to get some of that beef in a pouch. Frankly I am a little worried that instead of being transported into the future I will be sucked into the Mexican pouch and forced to live in some wierd Mexican -Pollack future limbo. Hmmm.....

 

Anonymous butter gun is a gaywad.

Hey, find Mary Cheney for me and ask her which she regrets more, helping her daddy get reelected or taking all that X and getting knocked up by Bill Kristol.

 

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