o I was attacked by a cunty bitch yesterday. Here's what happened.Alex Blagg
: Dude, some bored housewife made fun of your tourrets syndrome.
Me: What? POOP. Where? RETARD.
Alex Blagg: Over there. That woman with cum in her hair.
I walk over to her. She looks very bored and lonely she is quite homely, she has cum in her hair. My first inclination is to just leave her a lone and carry on. But she did address me and there is a big flashing sentence above her head that says:
"Please, for the love of god, I'm lonely, feel free to make COMMENTS!"
Wow, this lady seems like she needs a hug or a little communication -- maybe I'll tell her a joke. She looks miserable. Why did she make fun of ME? I think.
Me: POOP! RETARD! Umm excuse me, POOP! RETARD! I have Tourette's and I am underdeveloped POOP! And I was just wondering why you were FUCK FUCK SHIT POOP!! talking about me and making fun of me.
CumStain: Don't say retard.
Me: No, you don't understand POOP! I can't help it. RETARD! FAGGOT! I don't mean anything bad by it I actually like retards. JIZZ! I have Tourette's Syndr --BITCH NIGGER!! Syndrome.
She reaches into my pocket flicks my left ball and takes my ID card and puts up a magical force field around her Swwoooooosshhooonn nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnzzz.... then she starts recording our conversation. She is really proud of her tape recorder. When she turns it on she squeals like a dolphin.
CumStain: State your name and speak into the mic.
Me: Hey wait a minute. POOP! give me my ID back. That is mine. I need that. TURD! It has all the important information about my RETARD! medical TURD! condition. People don't understand POOP! me without it. Then I can't get my medication. BOOGER!
A scab peels off the corner of her mouth and thuds to the ground. She flicks my other nut.
Me: Ow stop that. Is this about me saying retard? FAGGOT! you don't understand, I love retards better than anyone. All of my friends are retards. NIGGER! I don't mean anything by it I swear. CUNTY CUNT!
CumStain opens a packet of skittles and holds out her hand. Hundreds of head lice jump from her head.
CumStain: Want one?
Me: Not really, I'm not much TURD! for Skittles, but okay.. ANUS!
I reach for one and she closes her hand and pulls it back into the force field. Fleas scramble from her armpits.
Me: Ok now THAT ---- THAT
was childish, FART! can I just have my ID back please? Seriously, I really need that ID. Are you trying to steal my WHORE CUM FAGGOT! Identity? Please just give it back.
CumStain: I can help you but you have to pass the test.
Me: What? What test? What is wrong with you? Are you deranged? I just came over here because Alex said you were making fun of my SHIT BITCH DAMMIT JIZZ!! disabilities and I wanted to explain that I can't help it and that I don't mean anything bad about CUM GUZZLE CUM GUZZLE! it.
CumStain turns to a group of frumpy homely women all lined up in formation to her left, OK there are only two women but they are reallly reeeeeallly fat and one of them has three heads. they both wear armbands with the letters ABA on them. They look incredibly dumb so I assume they have forgotten how to spell ABBA. They look exactly like ABBA fans.
CumStain: Class. Do you see how our subject reacts when I take his ID and put up the force field? According to ABA principals, this is the desired effect.
ABBA fans: Yes Mrs. CumStain.
All burst into applause. This rattles dandruff from their thinly haired scalps. It's like winter.
Me: What the fuck?
Now I am feeling a little uneasy, I start remembering the movie Soylent Green. Maybe those weren't Skittles. These ABBA fans all look very hypnotized by CumStain. Their over sized nipples on their under-sized yet saggy boobs begin vibrating and making a hummming noise.
Me: Look, no harm no foul -- I'll just DYKE NIGGER WETBACK leave you be. All I want is my ID back. SPIC BITCH NIGGER CUM!!
CumStain pulls up her dress reaches way up into her enormous, pulsating, scabby, wart filled vagina and pulls out a slimey goo covered giant rubber drain stopper--- ummm --- buttplug? She holds it far above her head and the ABBA fans all begin singing Dancing Queen. It totally freaks me out. Smoke is now pillowing from her Hooha.
CumStain: You must play the game!
Suddenly bunch of smiley face icons magically appear and float above her head, I am really starting to get freaked out. Those smiley face icons always freak me out, but now, floating above this obviously deranged cult leader/dictator/CuntyBitch they really scare me.
CumStain: Class! Observe!
She takes the giant slimey rubber butt plug and crams it in my mouth. The smell is ghastly. Smells like a billion tons of rotting fish mixed with the cum of a whole fleet of lesbian sailors who can somehow cum like men. I vomit, but the stopper keeps it from coming out. Instead the vomit fills my lungs. I am completely unable to speak. Death may come soon. I get out my two way and quickly text my friend Alex who got me into this mess. The ABBA fans are singing more loudly and more droney, they are slowly and creepily approaching.
Me: (on the text) Alex! help! This fucking bitch has my ID and she has crammed a butt plug down my throat. Something is going down. ABBA fans, Cum stains -- help.
Alex Blagg: (on the text) Sorry dude, I'm at work. CumStain knows my boss' name, she is psycho, I don't want to get fired, But I'll forward any texts that you have.
Me: No prob man, sorry for buggin' you.
CumStain: Class! Observe the desired effect. With the rubber stopper in place, my force field on, and his ID stolen, our subject has been completely neutralized. He will no longer be a threat to any woman. Rational debate eliminated. Mission accomplished. Now we may get back to being women who try to cum like men.
CumStain is obviously a genius. How else would she figure out the elusive magic of censorship and editing?
Then they all begin stroking big dildos throwing mayonaisse everywhere and chanting.
CumStain and ABBA fans: All hail the A.B.A., Rubber stopper saves the day! All hail the A.B.A., rubber stopper saves the day. Then they all eat skittles out of each others vaginas. This part I kinda like. The three headed one gets a couple mouths full of boobie too. Awesome. Then a dead moldy rodent plops out of CumStains flapping vagina. Not awesome.
The chanting and skittle diving lasts exactly 4 minutes. Cumstain then lifts her dress exposing once again her horrific steamy vagina, she places my ID on the ground and stands directly above it. Then a small putrid reddish stream flows directly out of her gaping hole straight down and coats my ID with what I can only guess is some kind of mixture of menstrual blood and whatever it is that vaginal warts produce -- which explains a lot about the preceding events. The smell melts my brain.
Me: (in my liquified head) Eeesh, I'm not sure I want that ID back now.
Then a giant sucking sound comes from her huge pulsating gash and my ID is sucked right off the ground and disappears ---- burp. All erupt in grand applause. The rodent comes back to life.
CumStain: Class dismissed. Game resumes tomorrow at 9am sharp!
And suddenly poof they are all gone. Not the stench though, that remains. I wiggle the stopper loose, cough out a few quarts of vomit and I collapse. I spend exactly six minutes sobbing like a total fag. Why? Why? I moan.. why have I been cursed with FAGGOT NIGGER! this awful disease. Why not mumps? I'll take vaginal warts, anything but this awful awful tourrets.
Finally I gather myself and go home. I crawl in bed and get on the internet. I do a search for CumStain and find her blog. And I realize that although she has removed the original insult that started this whole mess, she has transcribed the recording and placed an edited portion in the comments section
of the post that used to be located here
. She renames me Subject M, calls me a troll, and then deletes her own post. This hurts my feelings. I was only trying to make friends. DAMN YOU TOURETTE'S SYNDROME. DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!! I spend the next few hours reading and discovering that CumStain has two retarded children that she hates and wishes she would have aborted. She vowed upon their birth that she would exact revenge upon the universe and her local school board in any way she knows how. She has a husband who desperately wants to leave her but he actually loves the kids and knows that if he does, she will kill them or conduct EXTINCTION experiments on them. He does not want his lovely children to be EXTINCT. Besides, she keeps him locked in the basement. I expect that one day, he and I will be friends.
The whole experience was terrible,awful, lame, sad, exciting, hurtful, wrong, unjustified, unprovoked and utterly hellish. It made me consider shutting up forever. Human beings are just so terrible sometimes.
Then, just when all hope seemed to be lost, when the world had tuned into a giant dark musty vagina, I get an email from a pretty girl who earlier had written me telling me I was awesome funny and rad. I told her:
"Thanks, send some naked pics."
Lo and behold, ask and ye shall recieve. And holy shit. What a hottie. Women are not all evil after all. Some of them are actually terrific. It just about makes being heterosexual worth it.
Thank you Cindy
for a split second I considered going back for round two Of BitchFest 2005 but then I decided that I'll just order another ID. I'd rather just stare at these pictures of this pretty girl.
Thank you again Cindy, May I have another?
Wow, I think I just drove that lady right off the internet. Her blog can no longer be found. Deb, All you had to do was apologize and act like a decent human being. That is apparently too much to ask of some people. Talk about pride causing major inconveniences. Sheesh.
Also, Deb, I can see you logging on. (MMI research East Hanover NJ) Why don't you just apologize? We will both feel a hell of a lot better. I promise. I'm friends with the three headed ABBA fan now. ( She is actually fucking hott.)