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April 30, 2005

Tire Swing!

Remember that time when I ate that weird hamburger in a pouch and I ended up in the future and the world was all fueled by pig farts and Martha Stewart was killing bitches left and right?

Yeah, well I ate some more and now I'm in the future again. Only this time I'm like all old and stuff. My ball sack is like four inches long, I have age spots on top of age spots. The hair growing out of my ears is like another four inches -- that's like eight inches of disgusting right there. Can age spots hump other age spots? Get off her!

Holy shit, my toenails are seriously like big orange pieces of frisbee sized butterscotch candies. I wonder If they taste as yummy as they look. My big toenail has a split in it so wide that I apparently rented it out to a veitnemese family and they started a goat farm in it -- mountain goats, I have fucking mountain goats head butting each other in my fricken split toenail.

When did I get all tattooed and shit? They are all so blurry that it's hard to make out what they are. Something is tattooed on my penis, looks like maybe -- I don't know -- I think I can make out the words midget and negro and something about praying. Why is my penis so grey and dead looking? Sure is lumpy. That's interesting. Wow, I think I'd like to rub that lumpy penis on my sore feet.



Looks like I ended up getting a full back tattoo of Tattoo (Herve Villechaize) from Fantasy Island, cept he's not saying "DE PLANE, DE PLANE" like he did on the TV show, he is instead saying "DE PLAN, DE PLAN" and he his pointing directly at my butthole. What plan? Did I turn gay? My Johnson doesn't seem to be responding to anything right now.



Holy shit, I just noticed my prostate is fucking HUGE -- is it supposed to be sticking out of my butt like this? I can't even tuck it back in, it just keeps plopping back out -- holy crap, it totally makes a sound when I do it. Listen ------- can you hear that? I need to learn how to do audio posts. It's a total cliche bottle pop sound -- that's weird -- why the fuck is it doing that? Oooooooh no... there's my answer. I have a bottle stuck up my butt. What the? Ouch -- let me just pull this out of ooooooowwwwwww. Wow? why the fuck did I have a bottle up my butt? I don't even drink soy milk -- holy fuck, please tell me I'm not vegan.

Am I doing this all on my own? There are no signs of any visitors, must be the vietemese family.

Shit, from what I can tell, I have been living here for years. I can't quite make out where I am, it's a trailer, that much is obvious. That pillow I was planning on making out of Chico when he died is on the couch -- he doesn't look so good. I probably ate Butterface.

Well hey -- I guess I'll just post things as I notice them. Last time I ate that future hamburger I think it took me a few days to get back, and to tell you the truth, I don't remember how I got back -- seems like I came out of a nipple of some sort.

I wish I knew vietnemese, I'd talk to my toenail family. Sounds like they are having a party -- ope -- nope -- just slaughtering a goat. I'm hungry.

HEY! don't swing on THAT!! -- Damn vietnemese kids think my ball sack is a tire swing -- GET OFF THAT!!

Sorry, I gotta run --something is leaking -- I think I may need diapers.

End of future post.


Now, here's a picture I took of my friend Sarah. She is an excellent hair stylist. She has a new hairdo every hour.




That's all for now!
Don't get caught measuring the length of your own nutt sack!

Your grade A, number one polyp,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

Those sound like 40th birthday musings.

Are you sure you're only 37?

 

Anonymous merkley??? is a gaywad.

I always round up to the nearest 5.

I can assure you that my nuttsack is as hearty as a peach. my toenails clear and flexible as fresh plexiglass and i don't even know what a prostate is.

and as for the bottle up the butt, that is clearly just a case of too much internet porn.

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

Gee whiz, Mister Merkley, your post about getting old has given me the heebie jeebies!


Or maybe it's just the idea of a Vietnamese family living in your sneakers that's "creepy."

 

Anonymous merkley??? is a gaywad.

Holy crap people,
this post was from the FUTURE like a HUNDRED YEARS in the future.

NOBODY LIVE IN MY PERFECTLY PEDICURED TOENAILS!

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

Dont let any other bitches drink that $3 bottle of wine Rohini bought for me. Can you also make sure not to let it get anywhere near your prostate? prostate should be about the size of walnut, and should NOT leak oil...

 

Anonymous Billy is a gaywad.

Hey Merkeley???

Hey Merkely???

Is April 30 your birthday? Is that what I’m picking up here?

If so*, you share it with me AND Willie Nelson.

No shit. What a coincidence (not really THAT big I suppose, I’d employ my maths leper to work it out but I don’t like talking to him too often, less he coughs on my beautiful face)

Did you hear Willie Nelson died?

He was singing on the road again.

Hope you had fun, I did.


*if not, I don't know. Can't think of anything to say.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Billy,

Happy Birthday you fucking ABO!

nope, it's not my birthday. My birthday is JUNE 13th.

got that? JUNE 13th.

JUNE 13th.










JUNE 13th.










anyway. Happy Birthday.







JUNE 13th

 

Anonymous Billy Bunks is a gaywad.

Wow!

 

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April 24, 2005

If I Was a Hilarious Racial Slur...

If I was the greatest cover band of all time, I would only have cute japanese members and we'd only do covers of songs by The Gap Band. We'd call ourselves The Jap Band.



If I was the most successful cover band of all time, I would call myself The Ramolling Stones and the only concern I'd have would be whether or not I was gonna be Mick or Joey. Douchebags of all variety would rock out to my suckiness. I would make money.



If I was The Jap Band, I might consider doing some Zapp covers as well.

If I was a bald Irish female negro singer who nobody ever thinks about anymore, I'd call myself Sinead O'COONer. Ha ha COON -- what an awesome racial slur, almost as good as Gook.



If I was that last joke, I would have been funny in 1989. ----- OK --- maybe not. Fuck off.

If I was a good way to end the conversation when everybody starts lying about how they actually know a girl named Merry Christmas or a dude named Dick Wiener I would probably start out saying I knew a kid named Butthole Wormpoop Assbooger.



If I was one of the dudes underneath those long chinese dragons you see at parades, I would try to make sure that I bargained my way into the postion where the dragons penis would be. During the parade I would fixate on all the wrong lady dragons causing my dragon to make some very stupid decisions. But then I'd probably be in big trouble later that day when the dude who played the dragons right hand tried to choke me and give me a full body massage.



If I was a Coma, I would change my name to Golf or Baseball just to avoid any lawsuits about false advertsing.


Lovely blinking images courtesy of Blink-O-Rama.

Now, here's a picture I took of my sexy friend Lisandra Ochoa. She Designs some very well made, very seductive handbags that almost make me wish I was a chick or a fag. Stop by and buy one for yourself or your girlfriend or your homo lover.





That's all for now!
Don't get caught peeing on your own hands even if it is in the dead of winter and you are only four and it's freezing and you exclaim that "it's waaaaarm" -- John -- my brother.

Signed,
Your favorite personal photographer of the band Creed,
merkley???


FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

I loooorve Creed! They are so earnest!

 

Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

Obviously you never learned my lesson of "if you don't have anything nice to day, don't say anything at all". I'm very disappointed in you, again, my son. Not as disappointed as that time, when you were a teenager, and I caught you in our hot tub giving a reach around to that black fella, but disappointed nonetheless.

Sincerely,

Your father

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

You forgot camel jockey. although, believe it or not, they are developing robotic jockeys for camel races- child labor laws are
ruining the middle east. rugs are more expensive now, too.

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

if i was a hilarious racial slur, i'd be "alex fag", even though "fag" is a sexual preference, not a race. elementary school was hard.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Dashiell,
Wanna join the Creed fan club I'm starting? It'll be fun, we'll rock out, go to church and of course all commit suicide on a windy moutain top.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Ben,
You are not only an IMPOSTER, but you are a BAD imposter.

Reach around? perhaps. Hot tub? yeah right. If running through the sprinklers is a "HOT TUB" then maybe.

also, no black people in utah. TONGANS? yes.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Bridget,

HA HA HA you said Camel -- they have HUMPS!

hmmn -- hump, lump, bump, stump, rump, jump, plump....

there is something about UMP that is just downright NAUGHTY.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Alex,
FAG? that's the best they could do? what about Blaggot? or DoucheBlagg? -- or hell -- just the sound some homo barfing semen out of his stomach -- BLAAAAAAGG.

HARD? I would have made elementary downright HILARIOUS -- for everybody but YOU of course.

 

Anonymous Billy Bunks is a gaywad.

Attn: Lisandra Ochoa

Sit up straight.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

billy,
trust me, if she sat up straight in that picture, I would have had to stand back another three feet. talk about STACKED.

Lisandra has excellent posture. It was a very relaxing moment. that, and she was pretending to be shy.

 

Anonymous BillyBunks is a gaywad.

That’s 4 excuses / disclaimers. What’s with the vehement defending? Are you one of her 12 thoracic vertebrae, or part of their organising committee? Maybe you have shares in her spine? A vested personal and financial interest in the public’s confidence of her lumbar region, perhaps?
It’s a shame the things greed can do to a man.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Nah,
just a friend -- that can really fuck things up for a guy like me.

hmmmmn -- almost makes me boring -- ALMOST

 

Blogger Monkey is a gaywad.

ROFLMAO!!!

HILARIOUS shit today Merkley!!! I'm proud of you brother!!!

Go Merkley Go!!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Thanks Monkey! You're the BEST!

for those of you who aren't net geeks, ROFLMAO means:

Retards On Fire Licking Maggots Assbooger Ontario!

It's a compliment.

 

Anonymous Billy Bunks is a gaywad.

You know what I'd like to see...
'Directors Cut' versions of all these birds, taken with a disposable camera, 'un-posed', like at a party or something and scanned as is, with no photoshopping whatsoever.
Not that I'm saying I think they wouldn't be attractive, they are all quite pretty. It would just be interesting to see.
While I'm at it, I'd also like to see a drunk Russian with a Machete fight 3 to 5 wolves to the death in an empty pool.

 

Anonymous merkley??? is a gaywad.

Arranging the russian and 3 to 5 wolves would be easier for me than NOT manipulating my photographs to better reflect my experiences with these people.

I rarely allow a machine to tell my human story. It doesn't make sense. Machines can be incredible liars. Most of them are completely lazy assholes with no regard for human beings whatsoever.

They must be told what to do. OR THEY LIE and get it ALL WRONG.

However Billy, I may be able to score you some used panties. Just don't tell the 3 to 5 wolves.

 

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April 22, 2005

Chilled Poodle Jizz

Fancy Restaurant: Hi merkley???, I'm a fancy restaurant, remember me?

merkley???: Yes. I remember you. Now go away.

Fancy: Geez, fer ruuuude.

???: It's not rude. You're not even a person. You don't have feelings and I don't like you so scram.

Fancy: But you always visit me with your friends, and you seem like you are having a good time.

???: That's because I made an agreement with myself not to be a party pooper and because I am a good actor and I like THEM, MY FRIENDS, not you, so please, make like a frozen banana and stick yourself up your own butt.

Fancy: I don't believe you, how could you not like me? Everybody likes a fancy restaurant. Fancy food, nice atmosphere and flattering lighting with waiters to wait on you...

???: Listen fruitcake, I have all of those things at my house, and besides, your food is stupid. Fucking cold carrot foam soup and three microscopic strips of dick steak is a stupid meal no matter how tall you stack it in the middle of an enormous white plate.




Fancy: That's called presentation and if you weren't so low class, you'd appreciate it. -- Hey, what are you doing? Stop that!

???: Here. How's that for presentation? Eat THAT.

Fancy: I'm not eating your turd.

???: But I placed it upright, smack dab in the middle of the giant white plate and squirted little fancy squirts of pee around it. It even spells "Fuck Off You Homo Restaurant" in french. What were you saying about presentation?

Fancy: Presentation will not make a turd taste good.

???: Thank you for finally agreeing with me. Why don't you tell that to my friends. Now will you please leave? You are starting to act like one of your annoying waiters. BEAT IT!! YOU ARE INTERRUPTING!!





Fancy: Come on, you can't say that you don't like me, you're just saying all this because you are cheap or poor. OW!! What the fuck? Why did you just cut off my balls?

???: I thought you might like some desert. Yeah -- you're right, it has NOTHING to do with the fact that I have to sit at a stupid, uncomfortable table for four billion years waiting for gay ass "CREATIVE" food made by some asshole chef who is really just laughing at all the brainless shitheads who fall for his stupid food stacking scam. And IT has NOTHING at all to do with the fact that I have to pretend to enjoy some asshole waiter coming around and touching my glass every ten seconds -- I just LOOOOVE it when I have to stop a conversation for some dickface who hates his job and if I'm not super nice to him he'll just wipe a booger on my braised turnip cube anyway -- yeah, you're right. I just love being held hostage by a dumb waiter.




Fancy: You just haven't been to a really good fancy restaurant.

???: Yeah that's it, I've never been to a ten billion star restaurant --- LISTEN FAGGOT, I LIKE NACHOS! AND THAT IS ALL! So unless you can start piling tons and tons of really super yummy food with tons and tons of flavor and texture like carne asada, refried beans with tons of lard, jalapenos, guacamole, cilantro, three different kinds of fresh salsa, crispy corn chips and melted gooey cheese all the way to the EDGE of the plate with a little even FLOWING OVER and you are able to do it in less than 2 minutes right in front of my face where I can see the kitchen and your amazing nacho craftsmanship -- I have nothing more to say to you. --- NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE you overpriced pretentious piece of crap.

Fancy: I'm outta here, you're a dick. Have a nice time with your nachos you low class dolt.

???: Hey wait! Come back!

Fancy: What?

???: Don't you want to try this Restaurant Balls Gelato? I made it with YOUR balls.

Fancy: Mmmm -- yummy -- what's this sauce --- tastes like --- ummm?

???: It's Chilled Poodle Jizz. I knew you'd like it.

Fancy: Yummm yumm gobble gobble.

The End.

Now here is a picture of my sexy friend Emily Hughes. She is a talented artist and clothing designer and also a member of the Yard Dogs Road Show in which she does extremely sexy burlesque-esque type carvorting and seducing. Next time I see her, I will convince her to show a little more skin for some fantastic photos. -- but wow, what a face.




That's all for now!
don't get caught examining things you found under your nuttsack!
Your low class bitch,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

I was hoping for a tit shot with a merkley tattoo... I'm kind of disappointed in you my son. Not as disappointed as that time when you were in tee ball, and it was your at bat, and you weren't around so we went looking for you only to find you behind the gymnasium french kissing that other boy.... that was disappointment! But this sucks too.

Sincerely,

your father

 

Anonymous bryon is a gaywad.

Mmmmmm ... carrot foam.

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

el castillito raised prices by over a buck. somebody thinks they're fancypants.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

never happend.
FAKE BEN MERKLEY!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Bryon,
YOU WERE THERE. Confirm the cold carrot foam soup story for everybody.

I wasn't even being funny. Cold carrot foam soup is actually a reality. Frisson in SF is the source of this lame joke.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Alex,
I know, it's still worth it but -- man, it does seem to be getting out of control.

i think the one on 18th still has the old prices.

I hate it when people discover their own value and start charging fair prices.

 

Anonymous Deleted is a gaywad.

I've been googling transgender for the past two days. I still have no idea what it really means. Aren't we all a little transgendered?

Man, those penguins were hilarious. I never could resist a smart ass penguin. Cute, yet surly...

 

Anonymous Deleted is a gaywad.

Holy Guacamole...I entered a bogus website address, and it actually existed.

That person is not me.

 

Anonymous deleted is a gaywad.

Great web address, though.

noeffinway.com

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Deleted,
you left a real link to your livejournal a while ago but i can't find it anymore. why the sudden lack of linkage?

i agree, smartass penguins are AWESOME, they are nearly as hilarious as that crazy cat GARFIELD.

I LOOOOOOOVE GARFIELD. HA HA he eats lasanga, what a HOOT.

I wish i had a picture of an owl to put right there.

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

 

Anonymous deleted is a gaywad.

merkley, you suck, but i still love you.

 

Anonymous bryon is a gaywad.

it's no lie ... frisson serves cold carrot foam (with a hint of mango and ginger). imagine drinking a few pints of carrot juice, then vomiting it up into a soup bowl. nothig beats the "foaming-action" of the human digetstive system. chill for a few hours, then eat it back up.

to recap: drink, vomit, chill, serve, vomit.

 

Anonymous gabrielle is a gaywad.

Good thing I live in Milwaukee, where "fancy" means "Friday night fish fry with FREE COLESLAW."

Your stalker restaurant sounds scary and hungry.

 

Blogger invincibleoverlord is a gaywad.

damn it merkley, can't you go back to writing things that are offensive? what happened to the blogs about tsunami victims and arabs and retards and stuff. Everyone hates fancy restaraunts, what an easy target. In fact, I'm offended that you're not being offensive anymore. Drill into Vegan restaraunts maybe, or Wendys perhaps, but not fancy ones!
Tom

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

deleted,
transgender means someone who cuts off the hot dog or adds one.

but you are right, i do in fact suck. but thanks for likeing me anyway.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

invincibleunderwear,
you are also right. that post sucked balls. i was wondering how long it would take before somebody pointed that out.

i'm working on a post about how it should be legal to keep midgets as pets. you might like that one better.

 

Anonymous Bridget is a gaywad.

the main reason I dislike those places is 'cause this nigga's HONGRY! and everyone gets too drunk and piggie with booze and melted chocolate cake.
and BITCHES never have enough money.

so i gotta yanks some extra Benjamins outa my wonderbra.
i like indian buffet best, am i right Merkley?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,
yes, you are right.

 

Anonymous Billy Bunks is a gaywad.

Skin of Pea, eaten with cutlery with handles embedded with the late Queen Mother's teeth, is like enjecting heroin right into your penis whilst orbiting the earth in zero gravity and having your anus tongued by Destiny's Child.

Of this, I have scientific proof.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

billy,
is there a restaurant that serves this?

sold.

 

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April 20, 2005

Manic Depressive Jokes to Further Enhance YOUR Manic Depression.

Why was the manic depressive shot, skinned and eaten by Eskimos?
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Because he was a
Bi-Polar Bear.




Why did the manic depressive die from heat exhaustion in Equador?
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Because he was a
Bi-Polar Bear.

See, now that joke has four layers of funny for no extra charge. How great is it that you get to imagine a really mopey, but sometimes overly ambitious and cheery polar bear trudging from the north pole to the south pole chasing some kind of elusive, passionate, north pole, south pole dream only to die, sad, defeated and alone from heat exhaustion right on the very equator, the midway point, in exotic Equador?

I'll tell you how great it is. It's super great -- and FREE!

That joke is like a blockbuster movie. It has comedy, it has drama, it has excitement, adventure, mean eskimos, cute polar bears, a great dillusional desert dehydration scene, rad alcoholism -- yeah, turns out the polar bear was a CRAZY MAD alcoholic. Mann, the scene where Protective Services comes and takes away her two crying baby cubs will completely shatter your frozen heart. A polar bear, mom or not, still has to follow her dreams.

Opens Christmas Day 2006.

-- Oh yeah, --- LOTS OF PENGUINS! Weeeeeeeee hooooooooooo!




NO! I like seals. Especially baby ones. Back to manic depressive jokes.


W
hy did the manic depressive's medication only make him slightly less manic and depressive?
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Because it was
Amateur-Zac
click the link for information to help you with this joke.



Why did the manic depressive's medication make him way more manic and depressive?
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Because it was
Anti-Zac




Why did the manic depressive decide to sleep for six months straight?
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Because he was a
Bi-Polar Bear.

See how I tricked you by putting in those two PROZAC jokes before using that same HILARIOUS punchline AGAIN!!?

That's what makes me cool.

At first it might seem like that joke wasn't funny, but then, after some consideration and about three shots of Jack Daniels -- oh -- it's funny. You bet your drunken little suicidal ass it's funny. I AM A FUCKING GENIUS!!

Ugh, who am I kidding. I should just shoot myself and get it over with.

HA HA HA HA HA that was hilarious -- because this post is about manic depression and Bi-Polar disorder ---- I really do fucking rule!

So why do I think of death and suicide so much? Oh yeah. I'm GOTH.

Goth jokes coming soon.



That's the end of depressingly hilarious pole oriented jokes.
Oh crap. I forgot to say something about the POLE in my pants. That would have been great.

Now here is a an awfully sexy picture I took of a semi-nude girl with her brand new merkley??? tattoo. Did I mention that it's all the rage? Guess who it is for a punch in the nose.




That's all for now!
Don't get caught ripping the top off of a mosquito bite!
Suicidally yours,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous bFUCKINGryon is a gaywad.

it's your momma, bitch!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Nope!

No punch in the nose for you. instead you get the consolation prize which is a tall glass of toilet water!!

or you can pee into your own mouth if you don't want to wait for the fed ex guy.

 

Anonymous bryon is a gaywad.

oh wait ... it's Yana. what is that, a trick question? you already posted a pic of her. i almost feel ripped-off (almost).

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

GREAT!! YOU WIN!! START PUNCHING!! TAKE PICTURES OF THE BLOOD!! THIS IS SOOOO MUCH FUN!!

ah fuck it. what's the point. george bush is still EXACTLY LIKE ADOLF HITLER!!

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

I know, Merkley! I know who the girl is!! She is a girl who pretends to come over just to see Butterface, then ends up totally drunk, buck neked, with a homemade jailhouse Merkley tattoo on her boobies.

 

Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

Seriously man... hook a man up with some merkley tattoos. It's my last name and shit, surely that deserves at least one.

Nice tits though for sure.

Sincerely,

Your father

 

Anonymous buttergun is a gaywad.

I know, it’s you hiding your man bits in between your legs and chanting "There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home. Toto, tell me I'm pretty." Either that or a minion I suppose.

 

Blogger invincibleoverlord is a gaywad.

Hey Merk. Bill Maher told me that liberals need to stop comparing things to Nazi's. But...
George Bush is very much like Hitler in that:
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They are/were both leaders of big huge world power countries! HahA its true! But also George Bush is exactly like me, too, in that he probably masterbates and gets morning wood. Dang so that means I'm like Hitler too.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

photo of ben merkley with a real tattoo of his own last name as designed by son david...priceless.

please people, make it happen.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,
don't underestimate butterface's own powers for her own naked parties -- i'm merely there to capture the beauty.

those girls really do belong to her.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ben,
wow -- so nice to have you commenting -- SO CREEPY TOO!

the tattoos are only for hot chicks and are only applied by me. and i can guarantee that i will never apply one to the naked skin of someone with the last name MERKLEY. unless of course she was a hot chick and she was at least a cousin i never met.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

buttergun,
so how do you like my boobs then?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

invincibleoverdouche,

another way you and hitler are similar is that giant oven in your back yard. ovens should not have seats in them no matter WHAT you say.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

anonymous = Ben, the imposter father.

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

merkley, your pope joke KILLED last night at cobb's.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

alex,
Hopefully it killed a JEW!

out of respect for the pope i mean.

 

Anonymous gaby k. is a gaywad.

you know, i like that penguin. he's cute and funny. especially when he yells GAY. but then i saw you wanted to kill jews and i'm a little worried.


so i dont know what to think. on the one hand, i fear for my life, on the other, funny baby animal!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
not KILL as in STAB or GAS, kill as in LAUGHING SO HARD THAT GENOCIDE JUST KINDA HAPPENS. You know, popped blood vessels and broken ribs and what not.

Death can be FUN!! Just ask a baby seal.

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

Amateur-zac!

I feel better. Thanks.

 

Post a Comment

April 18, 2005

Come Watch Me Blab on About How Interesting I am

I have been asked to tell a story at a monthly storytellers series called Porch Light. I know It's short notice. It's Tonight in the theater above Cafe DuNord. My good friend Bridget Schwartz is the one who hooked me up and she assures me that it's not some weird spoken word thing. If it is, I promise to stab both of my eyes out live and on stage. Check the link for the info.

The Theme of the evening is Better Living Through Change, and I will be telling the story of how I went from The most awesomest Sunday school teacher in the history of the world to Atheist to party polygamist. How's that for change? I promise to be suuuuuper preachy.

There is a high likelihood that I will make a complete ass out of myself, picking fights with the transgenders and bus drivers with whom I will be sharing the bill.

wee haw!

Now here's a picture I took of my friend Jillian Iva, who is the lead singer for a band of very close lady friends, Von Iva. They are hot chicks who rock with their hhhmmmmn they don't have cocks, but if they did, they'd rock with them OUT! Guess who made the front page of their website. ME!!





That's all for now!
Don't get caught licking spoons and putting them back in the drawer!
Your forever homey in Christ,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous tyler is a gaywad.

wish I could be there to hear that tonight...........

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

it is going to be THE storytelling event of the season.

 

Anonymous Deleted is a gaywad.

I hope you share your story with us. I really want to hear it.

Btw, you helped me make up my mind about Terri Schiavo.

And, oh yeah, I practically cheered when you sat your butt down in the bowl of popcorn.

And I almost cried when you wrote about your sweet sister and the radio station contest.

Seriously.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

tyler,
get your ass on a planne bitch.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

alex,
it certainly will if i start a brawl with the transgenders.

you KNOW they could kick my ass.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Deleted.
Awe, thanks. You made my day.

I will share the story, first I need to see if it will incite people to violence. -- i think mybe i'll make it make everybody cry instead, --- hmmm -- tears of pain -- saddness or --- pure boredom?.... so many choices.

thanks again for your nice comment.

 

Anonymous gabrielle sarah maria consuela jones, the third. is a gaywad.

are you stalking me? my roommate yelled at me yesterday for mixing my coffee with a spoon, licking it clean & leaving it on the counter.


it was really embarassing, i cried. thats your first warning that really hit home to me.

 

Anonymous John is a gaywad.

Caught your story at Porchlight last night, it was the highlight of the show. Loved the bit at the end about moving from Utah to SF only to find the same intolerance here, directed mostly at Republicans instead of non-Mormons.

I may be biased, though, as a fellow (ex) Mormon from Utah. Incidentally, do you really still consider yourself a Mormon just because they haven't kicked you out yet?

Anyway, good work. I noticed that even the transgenders were entertained by your tale.

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

dude, Merkley. after last night's show i have a whole newfound respect for you as a human being. i had no idea that growing up transgender could be so difficult. the way your family betrayed you when you told them who you really were - heartbreaking stuff. you're really an amazing storyteller. and a beautiful, beautiful woman.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

John,
Hell yes I still consider myself a Mormon. As far as I'm concerned I still have the motherfucking Power of The Melchezidek Priesthood.

So anyone who needs a blessing or demon eviction or "Laying on of hands" of any sort (if you catch my drift wink wink) just let me know.

my prices are fair. make me an offer.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Alex,
So I'm glad that you finally know my secret. I've been wanting to tell you for soooo long.

Do you think I'm cute?

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

I am now absolved of all wrong-doing...

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

i may need some "laying of hands" to expell the demons in my breasts that keep talking to me in all the wierd voices.

can you help?

 

Anonymous Bunks is a gaywad.

What did the manic depressive, transgender, masochistic mormon say as she kicked the chair out from under her in an attempt to terminate her life by hanging herself with the cable of an SM-58?
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'Oh Mic-CORD!'

(pronounced: ‘Oh My God!’)


sorry.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

billy,
although it's tempting to apologize after a terrible joke, it is advisable to exclaim your greatness. most people will not notice how bad the joke sucked.

especially if you wave your arms a lot or use a lot of exclamation points.

 

Anonymous Billy Bunks is a gaywad.

I was merely apoligising for being so fucking brilliant and making lesser mortals feel like much lesser mortals.

disclaimer: that comment was a complete lie, but there's no need for anyone out there (this means you) to not believe it.i.e believe it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

billy,
that's more like it. now one more time withouot the disclaimer.

 

Anonymous Billy is a gaywad.

Sorry mate, I am all puffed out.

 

Post a Comment

April 13, 2005

If I Was Cheetos™ Cheese Dust

If I was the San Francisco Giants, I would fire all the dudes and hire humongous bitches and then legally change my name to The San Francisco Va-Giants.





If I was a vagina, my favorite music would be Cuntry.





If I was the dead Pope, I would still give my weekly address, only I'd give it to the critters that are nibbling on my brain, wiener and feet. My message would be about pooping where you eat, because bugs will eat, then poop right there on the spot. Probably, some smart ass bug would say something about "Pope Poop" and all the other bugs would snicker. Then I'd remember the good old days when nobody was eating and pooping my brain and calling me "Pope Poop" TO MY FACE!!.





If I was a midget's chubby little fingers I would definitely avoid Cheetos™. Can you imagine little midget fingers covered in Cheetos™ Cheese dust? How could ANYONE not gobble them up immediately?





If I was Cheetos™ Cheese dust, I would sneak into a crop duster and dust myself all over San Francisco. People and fags would come out of their homes to an orange snow storm. They'd make gay looking Cheetos™ Cheese dust angels and everybody would lick each other and everything in sight except for vegans who would complain about "cheese and chemicals and George Bush's Corporate - Cheetos™ - Cheese - Dust - Halliburton - Conspiracy bullshit. Basically, it would be just like every other day in SF except covered in yummy cheese dust. YAY!!





If I was an egg I would seriously think to myself: "I resemble a gooey yellow eyeball swimming in fresh snot. I come out of a dirty chicken's vagina. I often smell like a fart. I even load up with little white squiggly fetus things -- sometimes even with a little blood on them. What the fuck? Is there nothing that will gross people out enough to stop eating me?" But then my mind would wander and I'd think: "Humpty Dumpty --- what a retard."





If I was former pro wrestler, turned Playboy model, turned Surreal Life cast member, turned porn star --- Chyna's adams apple, I would be trying to breathe really really quietly hoping that nobody found me hiding in her clitoris.

WARNING!

DO NOT CLICK THAT CLITORIS LINK UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO SEE AN UP CLOSE PICTURE OF CHYNA'S ACTUAL ADAMS APPLE SIZED CLITORIS!!
should I have put this warning BEFORE the link?

Now here's a picture I took of my friend Gwen Stefani sporting her brand new Merkley??? tattoo. It's all the rage.





That's all for now!
Dont get caught Picking and Flicking!
Your sexy lover,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

I didn't click on the Chyna link (mostly because I'm afraid you've found pictures worse than what I've already seen) but I'll comment on it as if I did click.

What the hell kind of steroids does a woman have to take to make her clit grow into a little dick?

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

the Va-giants! my transgender friends might be offended, but hey- if they had their dicks chopped off on purpose, they deserve what they get. Oh, on second thought, I wonder were they get the hotdogs and the baseball park? its a p-p-p-penis with relish on it! You! Merkley, made me spit out my soymilk. asshole.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

holy fuck that was terrifying its like a babie's penis complete with forskin and everything...fucking ewww....i am convinced there is a pee hole hiding there waiting to spurt out a tiny stream of semen.

 

Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

Nice temp. tattoo... hook a brother up!

Poop (since I read the rules)

 

Blogger amanwithanenormouspeniswhojustwantstobeloved is a gaywad.

In response to your question, a friend of mine posted my phone number as a joke. I wouldn't want any of my obsessed fans to see, so I deleted it. Man, I am sick and tired of all those fans I have.

 

Anonymous gabrielle is a gaywad.

Those hats are ugly. And I've seen that picture of Gwen Stefani on your website.

This post is ugly & redundant. Get on the ball, merkley??? I'm disappointed.


And LAME, someone made it a point to follow your rules. What are you, a cult leader???

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Gaby,
just because you are a red headed, bearded, negro, eggfarting, cuntry hating midget who'd never make it past the first try-outs of the San Francisco Va-Giants due to your enlarged clitoris that looks like a baby penis, doesn't mean that you cant have a sense of humor.

just because this post was directed at you you go and get mad?

what a baby.

 

Anonymous buttergun is a gaywad.

I have met Chyna a couple of times, she gets her hair did at my friends salon. You couldn't really tell she was swingin meat. That plastic robe they make you wear must have been able to camouflage the goods.

 

Blogger Monkey is a gaywad.

You're a mad man Merkley - I love ya brother!!!

I saw the clit - holy cow!!!!!!!! (Loved the warning after the link BTW - you have class my friend!)

 

Anonymous cabbage rabbit is a gaywad.

is that a temporary tattoo or did you photoshop that in?
i'll send a self-addressed stamped envelope if you give me one. . .

friendster me your address

poop

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

digitalicat,

the steroid are called bigclitroids, do you need a hook-up?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,

i like it when you mention soymilk and asshole like RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER.

seriously sexy.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Lydia,
tell me about peeholes -- i was squinting for the whole three hours i examined that thing.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ben,
i'll bet you are a nice fella, but it creeps me out that you have the exact same name as my dad and you probably examined chyna's clitoris.

it's something i don't want to even think about.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

amanwithanenormouspeniswhojustwantstobeloved,

well you certainly have a fan right here.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

buttergun,
well, maybe next time, we can only hope, you can lure her into the back room and get it on.

make her wear a condom though. lord knows where that nub has been.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

monkey,
you're one to talk about mad men,

oh yeah, you're a monkey.

umm -- you are one MAD MONKEY!!

i'm not good with sanppy combacks sometimes.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

cabbage rabbit,
fake tattoo or photoshop? those are the only two options?
HELLO!!! it's totally one hundred percent REAL!!

never underestimate my powers, i mean the power of roofies.

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

"cuntry"

hahahahahahaha

 

Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

I didn't look at chyna's clit, I'm scurred. So don't be freaked out.

 

Blogger MC Sweet Roy is a gaywad.

Holy shit, that was a fucking funny post.

And that clit-dick is magnifique!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

MC Sweet Roy,

Thanks!
Yeah, that clitoris -- i admit that i kinda want to touch it. Does that make me gay?

 

Blogger amanwithanenormouspeniswhojustwantstobeloved is a gaywad.

Yes.

 

Anonymous Deleted is a gaywad.

I came, I saw, and now I feel obligated to go to confession...and I'm not even Catholic. At least I didn't click on the clit pic. I swear I didn't.

 

Anonymous Billy Bunks is a gaywad.

Somebody should carve that clit off and varnish it.

 

Post a Comment

April 11, 2005

Goth Perot

emmon bodfish: goth is old news
emmon bodfish: you should write a joke that the answer is "goth perot"
merkley???: what?
merkley???: like ross perot?
emmon bodfish: instead of ross pe -- yeah.
merkley???: i think that is more of an idea for a cool painting YOU should make.
emmon bodfish: hahahahha
emmon bodfish: that YOU should make
emmon bodfish: as a tattoo for me
merkley???: ok
merkley???: i did it
merkley???: do you want to see Goth Perot?
emmon bodfish: yes.
merkley???: i did him in a 3d program really fast so don't expect much.
merkley???:
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merkley???: what?
merkley???: you dont think its funny?
emmon bodfish: hahhahdfhasfhashdf
emmon bodfish: sdlfsladfkkdkdkdkdkdkkd
emmon bodfish: askdfmdskfjasdfjalsdflldldldldld
emmon bodfish: hdklslslmsmssldkkfksdkkdkdd
emmon bodfish: that was a good one
emmon bodfish: i'm laughing too much at work right now
emmon bodfish: you totally get an A +++++++++ for that joke
merkley???: that's only one less plus than i would have given.
merkley???: HAHA HA -- I said "less plus" --- ooooh freekee.

Now here is a picture of my friend Bridget Schwartz. She is not only super sexy but she is also one of San Francisco's funniest stand-up comics. Yeah, you heard me -- sexy AND funny. That's just how I roll holmes.



Anyway, the links go to her blog which she just started. She had a handful of really funny posts when some old hag at her work got offended by one of them. Bridget freaked out and deleted everything. I don't know, maybe there is an email link on there somewhere where you can encourage her to put it back up.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught trying to pop an ear pimple!
With sincere bullshit,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

ask bridget about what a teabag is.

 

Anonymous l is a gaywad.

please tell dear bridget to stop being an imperial grandpa wiener, bitch-slap the hag, and re-post to her blog.
and yes.
i have read the rules.

 

Anonymous gabbbbbbbbbbbby is a gaywad.

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.


what is that????

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

another fact about bridget aside from the fact that her name rhymes with midget, which is funny all by itself - its no wonder she is a stand up comdian. she is one hell of a dancer...that lady can cut a rug, seriously.

 

Blogger Monkey is a gaywad.

Thanks for the hilarious stuff as always and for the tip on Bridget - the Monkey likes!

Keep up the great work!!

 

Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

I googled my name, Ben Merkley, and found this site. Cool graphic of "our" last name. Mind if I steal it?

P.S. Bridget is hot, you roll well my friend.

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

ben merkley might be the coolest name ever.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

merkley is awesome.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Alex
ask bridget about what a teabag is.


don't need to -- she posted about it. Besides, i'd rather demonstrate.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dearest "I"

I would stalk you but I don't know who you are. Tell me where I should poin't my binoculars.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Gaby,

Don't be mean, you know what I look like.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

FunkyBizNatch,

You ain't lying -- man what a nice but she has -- and when she shakes it, it's like mass hypnosis.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Monkey RULES!!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Dad!!

You found my blog!! Did you even realize it was mine?

How cool is that. My very own dad commenting on my perverted blog.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Dashiell,

Thanks! I checked out your blog www.precogs.net

and I have to say that your movie PREDICTIONS are every bit as accurate as rottentomatoes.com

Thanks for stopping by!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wait,

I think that may be a different Ben Merkley, that profile doesnt look right.

Sorry for calling you dad

 

Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

I would appreciate it if you would just call me father, my son.

Now be a good boy and post more boobs on your blog.

 

Post a Comment

April 06, 2005

More Pope Jokes For You to Hate Me With.

So, lately I just spend all day making up the worst jokes imaginable on IM with my friend Kelly C. (not Kelly Tunstall below. I know a lot of Kellys -- like thousands).

Here are yesterdays terrible awful Pope jokes. Here's the deal, they all suck, but what makes it fun is that If you don't get the punchline before you read it, the person telling it gets to punch you in the arm really hard. For this online experience, and for the sake of fun, you have to punch yourself in the nose HARD!! Get it? PUNCH-line? Fucking non-stop laughs over here I tell ya.


What did the Pope use to floss Gods teeth?
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Rope!!


Where did the Pope ski?
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Slope!!


What did the Pope use to wash out Satan's foul mouth?
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Sope!!
-- other acceptable punchline --
Scope!!


What did the Pope and all his little priest pals do to the young deacons which got them in trouble.
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Grope!!

What gave the pope radiation sickness?
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Isotope!!

Somebody better be punching themself in the face right now. DON'T CHEAT!! PUNCH HAAAARRRRRD!! Or it's not fun.




What advice did the Pope leave to his followers on dealing with the sadness of his death?
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Cope!!

How do bad Catholics cope?
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Dope!!

What are good Catholics supposed to do until the Pope funeral?
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Mope!!

And the joke that started it all yesterday (also posted below)



What do you call a dead Pope?

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NOPE!!!




HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA HAAA HOOOOOOOWEEEEE!! What's so gursh durn hilarious about THAT joke, is that it's both the punchline and the response to your WRONG answer. I'm a freeking genius.

You will tell that joke to someone else. I guarantee it.

I better hear about at least one bloody nose, otherwise all of this work has been done in vain. You know you didn't get isotope. I'm applying to Bazooka for a job. If I don't get it. Butterface dies.

Now here's another picture I took of my of my friend Kelly Tunstall last night.




That's all for now! Tomorrow -- GOTH JOKES!
Don't get caught sniffing your armpits!

Your friend in Jesus,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous gabrielle is a gaywad.

These suck cause you didn't do anything with ELOPE.


You failed.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

That Kelly is so hot, her picture almost makes up for the world's most retarded Pope jokes.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

fuck -- i did fail

 

Blogger Monkey is a gaywad.

OWWWW!!!! MY NOSE! MY NOSE!!!

The blood!!! It's EVERYWHERE!!!!

:-)

 

Anonymous Billy Bunks is a gaywad.

Whats black and white and tastes like blood?
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A Goth.

 

Post a Comment

April 05, 2005

What Do You Call a Dead Pope???

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NOPE!!!



I just made that up. What's so gursh durn hilarious about it is that it's both the punchline and the response to your WRONG answer. I'm a genius.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Hooo HAAAAA!

HA!




ha.




hee?






hooha?






hi.



You will tell that joke to someone else. I guarantee it.

Now here's another picture I took of a pretty girl called Yana.




That's all for now!
Don't get caught rubbing your dogs little boobs TOO MUCH!!

your number one fan,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

i thought it was dope!!!

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

I think it was suicide....thanks for posting your exact joke on my blog. I got to read it TWICE!
o Merkley, how do you talk so many girls into showing you so many boobs? How many boobs does Butterface have? 6? or eight? I'll bet money that its an even number.. Nature does not dole out
prime numbers in body parts.

 

Blogger Monkey is a gaywad.

I'll be telling that joke tonight at the dinner table - I'll let you know how it goes. :-)

Yana Yana Yana!!!!!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Monkey - Monkey -- Monkey!

Bridget, Kelly C. informs me that possums have 13 nipples.

Butterface is outside or I would count hers. However many there are, I can't keep my hands off of them.

 

Blogger amanwithanenormouspeniswhojustwantstobeloved is a gaywad.

With all these hot chicks you're photographing please tell me you've banged at least one of them. Or at least the pope.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

I almost scored with one of them once -- but then she passed out and peed her pants which grossed me out.

 

Anonymous buttergun is a gaywad.

You should start selling advertisement space for your comment posts.

"Random, random, random, insult, teaser, random, ???plug. Sponsored by insert your name here."

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ButterGun,
Don't be mad that I posted a Pope joke on your site. I thought you would like it. Mean old me, telling topical jokes to my fellow bloggers. What a JERK!!

and also, you know that my comments on your site aren't random. I read all of your stuff.

and as for the teaser part of your comment. Many times, it's while I'm reading the post of another one of the very few blogs that I choose to read, that I get or remember an idea for a post here.

If that makes me lame, that i confess to being influenced by my surroundings -- well then. I am lame. but so is every other artist I like..

SUE ME!!

 

Anonymous buttergun is a gaywad.

Dood,

I was teasing you. You know...look at me... look at me. Sarcasm is an automatic byproduct of losing ones god.

Blogs are funny. They create unfinished but interesting portraits of imaginary people. One cool/weird thing about blogs is that it isn't just your own blog that paints the picture. It is your comments, the people who comment on your blog, the trail.

It's fascinating but I fear I have broken the rules and left a long boring comment. I'm not even supposed to be in here anymore. My word isn't good for much.


What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?

Popeye beat him down.


Oh and tittyfuckenshitenheimer

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

I love it when I don't get a joke. It's like I'm retarded. I guess I'm just one of those awesome people who need those asshole yellow faggot icons making whatever face it is they need to make to tell me how I'm supposed to feel.

"OH ha ha the icon has his thumb up his butt -- ha ha ha -- that means it's supposed to be funny --- wait a minute, is she trying to say I have my thumb up my butt? Maybe she thinks I AM a thumb and my life is an anus. --- fuck that bitch... she's BANNED!!"

From now on, my new attitude is that every single person on earth worships me. Which means anything they say can only indicate such love and affection.

 

Anonymous buttergun is a gaywad.

Worship? I'm not really a minion kind of girl. ;)

 

Anonymous cocksucker is a gaywad.

Where are the blow jobs? That is false fucking advertisement I tell ya. I think I will sue. You and McDonalds asshole!

 

Anonymous Billy Bunks is a gaywad.

I swear on Yana's Slavic cheekbones zygomatic bones I will tell that joke as though it were my very own and accept full credit for it, at least once, for I am as crooked as the Z in Zygomatic (when its in italics mind you)... I also swear I will never run a blog of my own.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

billy,
wait -- is a russian jew slavic?

anyway, tell that joke as much as you want. Alex claims he told it during his act at a comedy club and it was met with great laughs.

when it sweeps the world. my greatness will be global. even if nobody knows but us.

 

Anonymous Billy Bunks is a gaywad.

Um, I would say so, yes.

I'm not the worlds leading authority on Russian Jews, but I am considered quite all knowing and God like in certain circles.

 

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April 02, 2005

If I Was The Chromosome that People Need to Not Be Born Retarded...

If I was a boomerang, I would marry a pie. Our child would be in the funniest home video of all time and that's like a hundred grand right there.

If I was Johnny Cochran's brain tumor and they arrested me for killing him, I'd probably lay there in my jail cell thinking to myself "fuck, -- you IDIOT!"




If I was the pope on my death bed, I'd make up a bunch of stuff about how Whoopi Goldberg should be the next pope because of the work she did in Sister Act. Then I'd keep looking at my watch and furrowing my brow saying shit like: "Why can't Jesus at least just call, he always does this, if you're gonna be late, just say you're gonna be late. Jesus Christ! and then I'd act like I was text messaging him A LOT all the while mumbling "yeah -- Whoopi Goldberg -- she's the man."




If I was the chromosome that people need to not be born retarded, I think it would be one of those deals where I'd be like, I can't really show up late, so I may as well just call in sick. Then about noon I'd feel really guilty but then I'd probably think about what a vital part of the organization I am and then I'd start thinking about asking for a raise, but then I'd be realistic; it's not like I'm going to stop staying up all night drinking and doing coke with young hipster girls. Ultimately I'd just not show up or I'd go in late as usual. It's not like they can fire me.




If I was the second hand on a clock, every time I passed the minute hand I'd slap him really hard on the back of the head and every time I passed the hour hand I'd kick him in the crotch. Eventually, my rooster stock would go through the roof and I'd be set for life.

If I was a magnifying glass I would print a warning on myself that said "WARNING, fire ant's may be more on fire than they appear."

Now here's a picture I took of my friend Kelly Tunstall




That's all for now!!
Don't get caught sniffing your finger.
Your Pal,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

those jokes were awwwwesome

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

no prob yo

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

sweet

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

fully

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

you're hot

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i was just gonna say that about you

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

liar

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

no, seriously

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

whoa -- trippy

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

totally trippy

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

will you hump me now?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ok

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

get the grease

 

Anonymous Maria G is a gaywad.

you were so drunk. that wasn't you, you were talking to. it was me!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

How disappointed should I be that not one person dropping by pointed out that retardation is caused by an EXTRA chromosome.

My joke doesn't even make sense -- which makes it even better as the subject is really -- being a RETARD!!

 

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