Tire Swing!

Remember that time when I ate that weird hamburger in a pouch and I ended up in the future and the world was all fueled by pig farts and Martha Stewart was killing bitches left and right?

Yeah, well I ate some more and now I'm in the future again. Only this time I'm like all old and stuff. My ball sack is like four inches long, I have age spots on top of age spots. The hair growing out of my ears is like another four inches -- that's like eight inches of disgusting right there. Can age spots hump other age spots? Get off her!

Holy shit, my toenails are seriously like big orange pieces of frisbee sized butterscotch candies. I wonder If they taste as yummy as they look. My big toenail has a split in it so wide that I apparently rented it out to a veitnemese family and they started a goat farm in it -- mountain goats, I have fucking mountain goats head butting each other in my fricken split toenail.

When did I get all tattooed and shit? They are all so blurry that it's hard to make out what they are. Something is tattooed on my penis, looks like maybe -- I don't know -- I think I can make out the words midget and negro and something about praying. Why is my penis so grey and dead looking? Sure is lumpy. That's interesting. Wow, I think I'd like to rub that lumpy penis on my sore feet.

Looks like I ended up getting a full back tattoo of Tattoo (Herve Villechaize) from Fantasy Island, cept he's not saying "DE PLANE, DE PLANE" like he did on the TV show, he is instead saying "DE PLAN, DE PLAN" and he his pointing directly at my butthole. What plan? Did I turn gay? My Johnson doesn't seem to be responding to anything right now.

Holy shit, I just noticed my prostate is fucking HUGE -- is it supposed to be sticking out of my butt like this? I can't even tuck it back in, it just keeps plopping back out -- holy crap, it totally makes a sound when I do it. Listen ------- can you hear that? I need to learn how to do audio posts. It's a total cliche bottle pop sound -- that's weird -- why the fuck is it doing that? Oooooooh no... there's my answer. I have a bottle stuck up my butt. What the? Ouch -- let me just pull this out of ooooooowwwwwww. Wow? why the fuck did I have a bottle up my butt? I don't even drink soy milk -- holy fuck, please tell me I'm not vegan.

Am I doing this all on my own? There are no signs of any visitors, must be the vietemese family.

Shit, from what I can tell, I have been living here for years. I can't quite make out where I am, it's a trailer, that much is obvious. That pillow I was planning on making out of Chico when he died is on the couch -- he doesn't look so good. I probably ate Butterface.

Well hey -- I guess I'll just post things as I notice them. Last time I ate that future hamburger I think it took me a few days to get back, and to tell you the truth, I don't remember how I got back -- seems like I came out of a nipple of some sort.

I wish I knew vietnemese, I'd talk to my toenail family. Sounds like they are having a party -- ope -- nope -- just slaughtering a goat. I'm hungry.

HEY! don't swing on THAT!! -- Damn vietnemese kids think my ball sack is a tire swing -- GET OFF THAT!!

Sorry, I gotta run --something is leaking -- I think I may need diapers.

End of future post.

Now, here's a picture I took of my friend Sarah. She is an excellent hair stylist. She has a new hairdo every hour.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught measuring the length of your own nutt sack!

Your grade A, number one polyp,
merkley???

If I Was a Hilarious Racial Slur...

If I was the greatest cover band of all time, I would only have cute japanese members and we'd only do covers of songs by The Gap Band. We'd call ourselves The Jap Band.

If I was the most successful cover band of all time, I would call myself The Ramolling Stones and the only concern I'd have would be whether or not I was gonna be Mick or Joey. Douchebags of all variety would rock out to my suckiness. I would make money.

If I was The Jap Band, I might consider doing some Zapp covers as well.

If I was a bald Irish female negro singer who nobody ever thinks about anymore, I'd call myself Sinead O'COONer. Ha ha COON -- what an awesome racial slur, almost as good as Gook.

If I was that last joke, I would have been funny in 1989. ----- OK --- maybe not. Fuck off.

If I was a good way to end the conversation when everybody starts lying about how they actually know a girl named Merry Christmas or a dude named Dick Wiener I would probably start out saying I knew a kid named Butthole Wormpoop Assbooger.

If I was one of the dudes underneath those long chinese dragons you see at parades, I would try to make sure that I bargained my way into the postion where the dragons penis would be. During the parade I would fixate on all the wrong lady dragons causing my dragon to make some very stupid decisions. But then I'd probably be in big trouble later that day when the dude who played the dragons right hand tried to choke me and give me a full body massage.

If I was a Coma, I would change my name to Golf or Baseball just to avoid any lawsuits about false advertsing.

Lovely blinking images courtesy of Blink-O-Rama.

Now, here's a picture I took of my sexy friend Lisandra Ochoa. She Designs some very well made, very seductive handbags that almost make me wish I was a chick or a fag. Stop by and buy one for yourself or your girlfriend or your homo lover.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught peeing on your own hands even if it is in the dead of winter and you are only four and it's freezing and you exclaim that "it's waaaaarm" -- John -- my brother.

Signed,
Your favorite personal photographer of the band Creed,
merkley???

Chilled Poodle Jizz

Fancy Restaurant: Hi merkley???, I'm a fancy restaurant, remember me?

merkley???: Yes. I remember you. Now go away.

Fancy: Geez, fer ruuuude.

???: It's not rude. You're not even a person. You don't have feelings and I don't like you so scram.

Fancy: But you always visit me with your friends, and you seem like you are having a good time.

???: That's because I made an agreement with myself not to be a party pooper and because I am a good actor and I like THEM, MY FRIENDS, not you, so please, make like a frozen banana and stick yourself up your own butt.

Fancy: I don't believe you, how could you not like me? Everybody likes a fancy restaurant. Fancy food, nice atmosphere and flattering lighting with waiters to wait on you...

???: Listen fruitcake, I have all of those things at my house, and besides, your food is stupid. Fucking cold carrot foam soup and three microscopic strips of dick steak is a stupid meal no matter how tall you stack it in the middle of an enormous white plate.

Fancy: That's called presentation and if you weren't so low class, you'd appreciate it. -- Hey, what are you doing? Stop that!

???: Here. How's that for presentation? Eat THAT.

Fancy: I'm not eating your turd.

???: But I placed it upright, smack dab in the middle of the giant white plate and squirted little fancy squirts of pee around it. It even spells "Fuck Off You Homo Restaurant" in french. What were you saying about presentation?

Fancy: Presentation will not make a turd taste good.

???: Thank you for finally agreeing with me. Why don't you tell that to my friends. Now will you please leave? You are starting to act like one of your annoying waiters. BEAT IT!! YOU ARE INTERRUPTING!!

Fancy: Come on, you can't say that you don't like me, you're just saying all this because you are cheap or poor. OW!! What the fuck? Why did you just cut off my balls?

???: I thought you might like some desert. Yeah -- you're right, it has NOTHING to do with the fact that I have to sit at a stupid, uncomfortable table for four billion years waiting for gay ass "CREATIVE" food made by some asshole chef who is really just laughing at all the brainless shitheads who fall for his stupid food stacking scam. And IT has NOTHING at all to do with the fact that I have to pretend to enjoy some asshole waiter coming around and touching my glass every ten seconds -- I just LOOOOVE it when I have to stop a conversation for some dickface who hates his job and if I'm not super nice to him he'll just wipe a booger on my braised turnip cube anyway -- yeah, you're right. I just love being held hostage by a dumb waiter.

Fancy: You just haven't been to a really good fancy restaurant.

???: Yeah that's it, I've never been to a ten billion star restaurant --- LISTEN FAGGOT, I LIKE NACHOS! AND THAT IS ALL! So unless you can start piling tons and tons of really super yummy food with tons and tons of flavor and texture like carne asada, refried beans with tons of lard, jalapenos, guacamole, cilantro, three different kinds of fresh salsa, crispy corn chips and melted gooey cheese all the way to the EDGE of the plate with a little even FLOWING OVER and you are able to do it in less than 2 minutes right in front of my face where I can see the kitchen and your amazing nacho craftsmanship -- I have nothing more to say to you. --- NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE you overpriced pretentious piece of crap.

Fancy: I'm outta here, you're a dick. Have a nice time with your nachos you low class dolt.

???: Hey wait! Come back!

Fancy: What?

???: Don't you want to try this Restaurant Balls Gelato? I made it with YOUR balls.

Fancy: Mmmm -- yummy -- what's this sauce --- tastes like --- ummm?

???: It's Chilled Poodle Jizz. I knew you'd like it.

Fancy: Yummm yumm gobble gobble.

The End.

Now here is a picture of my sexy friend Emily Hughes. She is a talented artist and clothing designer and also a member of the Yard Dogs Road Show in which she does extremely sexy burlesque-esque type carvorting and seducing. Next time I see her, I will convince her to show a little more skin for some fantastic photos. -- but wow, what a face.

That's all for now!
don't get caught examining things you found under your nuttsack!
Your low class bitch,
merkley???

Manic Depressive Jokes to Further Enhance YOUR Manic Depression.

Why was the manic depressive shot, skinned and eaten by Eskimos?

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Because he was a
Bi-Polar Bear.

Why did the manic depressive die from heat exhaustion in Equador?

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Because he was a
Bi-Polar Bear.

See, now that joke has four layers of funny for no extra charge. How great is it that you get to imagine a really mopey, but sometimes overly ambitious and cheery polar bear trudging from the north pole to the south pole chasing some kind of elusive, passionate, north pole, south pole dream only to die, sad, defeated and alone from heat exhaustion right on the very equator, the midway point, in exotic Equador?

I'll tell you how great it is. It's super great -- and FREE!

That joke is like a blockbuster movie. It has comedy, it has drama, it has excitement, adventure, mean eskimos, cute polar bears, a great dillusional desert dehydration scene, rad alcoholism -- yeah, turns out the polar bear was a CRAZY MAD alcoholic. Mann, the scene where Protective Services comes and takes away her two crying baby cubs will completely shatter your frozen heart. A polar bear, mom or not, still has to follow her dreams.

Opens Christmas Day 2006.

-- Oh yeah, --- LOTS OF PENGUINS! Weeeeeeeee hooooooooooo!

NO! I like seals. Especially baby ones. Back to manic depressive jokes.


Why did the manic depressive's medication only make him slightly less manic and depressive?

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Because it was
Amateur-Zac
click the link for information to help you with this joke.

Why did the manic depressive's medication make him way more manic and depressive?

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Because it was
Anti-Zac

Why did the manic depressive decide to sleep for six months straight?

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Because he was a
Bi-Polar Bear.

See how I tricked you by putting in those two PROZAC jokes before using that same HILARIOUS punchline AGAIN!!?

That's what makes me cool.

At first it might seem like that joke wasn't funny, but then, after some consideration and about three shots of Jack Daniels -- oh -- it's funny. You bet your drunken little suicidal ass it's funny. I AM A FUCKING GENIUS!!

Ugh, who am I kidding. I should just shoot myself and get it over with.

HA HA HA HA HA that was hilarious -- because this post is about manic depression and Bi-Polar disorder ---- I really do fucking rule!

So why do I think of death and suicide so much? Oh yeah. I'm GOTH.

Goth jokes coming soon.

That's the end of depressingly hilarious pole oriented jokes.
Oh crap. I forgot to say something about the POLE in my pants. That would have been great.

Now here is a an awfully sexy picture I took of a semi-nude girl with her brand new merkley??? tattoo. Did I mention that it's all the rage? Guess who it is for a punch in the nose.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught ripping the top off of a mosquito bite!
Suicidally yours,
merkley???

Come Watch Me Blab on About How Interesting I am

I have been asked to tell a story at a monthly storytellers series called Porch Light. I know It's short notice. It's Tonight in the theater above Cafe DuNord. My good friend Bridget Schwartz is the one who hooked me up and she assures me that it's not some weird spoken word thing. If it is, I promise to stab both of my eyes out live and on stage. Check the link for the info.

The Theme of the evening is Better Living Through Change, and I will be telling the story of how I went from The most awesomest Sunday school teacher in the history of the world to Atheist to party polygamist. How's that for change? I promise to be suuuuuper preachy.

There is a high likelihood that I will make a complete ass out of myself, picking fights with the transgenders and bus drivers with whom I will be sharing the bill.

wee haw!

Now here's a picture I took of my friend Jillian Iva, who is the lead singer for a band of very close lady friends, Von Iva. They are hot chicks who rock with their hhhmmmmn they don't have cocks, but if they did, they'd rock with them OUT! Guess who made the front page of their website. ME!!

That's all for now!
Don't get caught licking spoons and putting them back in the drawer!
Your forever homey in Christ,
merkley???

If I Was Cheetos™ Cheese Dust

If I was the San Francisco Giants, I would fire all the dudes and hire humongous bitches and then legally change my name to The San Francisco Va-Giants.

If I was a vagina, my favorite music would be Cuntry.

If I was the dead Pope, I would still give my weekly address, only I'd give it to the critters that are nibbling on my brain, wiener and feet. My message would be about pooping where you eat, because bugs will eat, then poop right there on the spot. Probably, some smart ass bug would say something about "Pope Poop" and all the other bugs would snicker. Then I'd remember the good old days when nobody was eating and pooping my brain and calling me "Pope Poop" TO MY FACE!!.

If I was a midget's chubby little fingers I would definitely avoid Cheetos™. Can you imagine little midget fingers covered in Cheetos™ Cheese dust? How could ANYONE not gobble them up immediately?

If I was Cheetos™ Cheese dust, I would sneak into a crop duster and dust myself all over San Francisco. People and fags would come out of their homes to an orange snow storm. They'd make gay looking Cheetos™ Cheese dust angels and everybody would lick each other and everything in sight except for vegans who would complain about "cheese and chemicals and George Bush's Corporate - Cheetos™ - Cheese - Dust - Halliburton - Conspiracy bullshit. Basically, it would be just like every other day in SF except covered in yummy cheese dust. YAY!!

If I was an egg I would seriously think to myself: "I resemble a gooey yellow eyeball swimming in fresh snot. I come out of a dirty chicken's vagina. I often smell like a fart. I even load up with little white squiggly fetus things -- sometimes even with a little blood on them. What the fuck? Is there nothing that will gross people out enough to stop eating me?" But then my mind would wander and I'd think: "Humpty Dumpty --- what a retard."

If I was former pro wrestler, turned Playboy model, turned Surreal Life cast member, turned porn star --- Chyna's adams apple, I would be trying to breathe really really quietly hoping that nobody found me hiding in her clitoris.

WARNING!

DO NOT CLICK THAT CLITORIS LINK UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO SEE AN UP CLOSE PICTURE OF CHYNA'S ACTUAL ADAMS APPLE SIZED CLITORIS!!
should I have put this warning BEFORE the link?

Now here's a picture I took of my friend Gwen Stefani sporting her brand new Merkley??? tattoo. It's all the rage.

That's all for now!
Dont get caught Picking and Flicking!
Your sexy lover,
merkley???