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May 31, 2005

"That's What I've Been Tryin' to Tell Yo Dumb Ass - Bitch!"

There is a phrase that gets stuck in my head on loop ever since I was about eighteen years old whenever I find myself doing mundane repetitive tasks like folding clothes, sweeping, weeding the garden, burying mutilated young corpses under the house etc...


I wish the phrase was something intelligent or profound. But it's not. I have no idea whatsoever started it or why my brain decided to settle on it. It's one of the dumbest phrases in the world. It is also the title of this post.

"That's what I've been trying to tell yo dumb ass --- bitch!"

and I say it over and over and over... like I said -- since I was about eighteen.

It's not like a tape loop or anything. Mostly it is said with a pretty bad American negro accent but it morphs around, the inflection changes, different words are emphasized. Sometimes it morphs into different people altogether: little girls, old men, robots, Satan, Jesus, my mother, some gay dude named Adam, Dennis Kucinich, Oprah... almost everyone gets the chance to say that phrase over and over again in my head until whatever task at hand is completed and I need my brain for something else. But honestly, It's usually the black dude.

Why don't I just let you hear an example. Inside my head, the characters are much more distinct but this will give you a good idea of what it's like when it gets really ridiculous.

Beware though -- I cannot be held responsible if it gets stuck in your head for the rest of your life too. YOU CAN'T SUE ME!

this is an audio post - click to play


So there you go. If you didn't think that was funny, it's because it wasn't supposed to be ---- ASSHOLE.

Despite whatever bullshit you might be thinking, I don't think it makes me crazy. It doesn't bother me. As soon as I notice it, I am easily able start thinking of something else. If you are ever talking to me you don't need to wonder if it is looping in my head right then (well maybe if you are reeeeallly boring) In fact, even while it is looping during a mundane task, I find that I am also able to carry out other thoughts and ideas with ease. It's almost like background music.

Big fucking deal. You're all bored to death now.

The end.

Now here is another picture I took of my friend Emily Hughes.




We had just completed a silly shoot at my house and we were in a cab on our way to meet Maria and Kelly for dinner at The House of Nan King and then to see my friend Bridget Schwartz (who you must see live) perform at The Purple Onion with another comedian named Will Franken who blew me away with his completely unique style of comedy. His website leaves something to be desired, but I predict big things for him.

That's all for now.

Don't get caught vocalizing the voices in your head out loud in public!

Your Favorite Functioning Schitzo,
merkley???
and merkley???
and merkleeeey???
and merklaaaay???
and meerrroookklleeeey???
and meeeeerrrrooooptooppphhootttoollleeeeyy kkkkkkk. ???

help?
anyone else have a default phrase?

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

The latest blog was so stupid, no one even commented on it. Even though you were mean to me, I still felt the need to give you a pity comment.

I always get the phrase "...so I've got that going for me, which is nice" suck in my head. Not that you cared you selfish bitch.

Go back to thinking about yourself.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

cant win'em all.

 

Anonymous lalalalavender is a gaywad.

Should I hate Ben?
BAD BEN BAD!

I LOVE your audio blogs.

I usually get the Meow Meow Meow theme from Meow Mix in my head- I'm a sponge for all those damn jingles.

L

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

You can't prove that you are God, either.

You come pretty close sometimes, though, Merkley.

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

p.s.

I tried to post the above comment underneath your seriously fascinatin' self-portrait, but it ended up here.

I hope you appreciate how long it took me to look up ~fascinatin'~ in the dictionary. As small as this trailer house is, it took me half an hour to find the dictionary. =)

yee haw!

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

Although....

...I did finely find it awn tawp of tha' black-and-white in tha' shed.

=)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lavender,

do not judge ben for he knows not what he does.

besides. he has a point. the post did suck and nobody commented. you can't fault a dude for being right.

but i'm gld you like the audio posts.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

deleted,

dictionary work is tough work indeed.

once i had one stuck in my colon for weeks. i pooped out the most amazing sentences ever.

those were the days.

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

Well, it's hard not to get a dictionary stuck up your ass sometimes. My trailer is so small that no matter where I sit, that damn dictionary gets stuck up my ass, too (it's the only book I own).

It actually feels pretty good, Merkley.

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

the audio post made my dog eddy cock his head from side to side. He wants you to be his new owner.

I always get
"our house in the middle of the street. our house. in the middle of the street".

Sometimes I phrase it as a question - like, our house? in the middle of the street? Really? It starts as an innoncent question but then it turns into someone with advanced dimensia. Like grandma. I also remove the first letter from each word,
ur ouse n iddle f he treet.
I am kickingmylegs bored. Make more audioposts, yo dumb ass bitch!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

holly,

i miss you already and i read your comment 2 seconds ago.

 

Blogger kiddo is a gaywad.

this post just made my day.
i'm gonna go into my job interview with a big grin on my face and hope to gawd that phrase doesn't come out when i'm answering some question about customer service.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Post didn't suck, it's genius. Malkovich, Malcovich, Malkovich? Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

I still can't get over the fact that you smell like meatloaf.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

kiddo,

how fun is it to call somebody kiddo.

having made your day made my day.

customer service huh?

one day i'd like to hunt down a sprint customer service rep and bash him in the head with a spikey 2x4. when he begs me to stop, i will kindly reply:

I'm sorry, i can't do that today but is there anything else i can do for you today mr. sprint?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

it's totally malkovich malkovich malkovich.

i got his voice stuck in my head for like a week once.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

digicat,

it's not only meatloaf, sometimes it's cornbread, sometimes a ham sandwich, sometimes even --- oooooh -- my favorite -- lasagna!

my armpits are like a 4 star restaurant.

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

that was fun to totally accidentally push at work. oopsies.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

"This reminds me of that time you tried to drill a hole through your head."

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,

work? you mean at the factory? they let you have internet in the sweatshop? wow, things have changed a lot. back in my day. the sweatshop was for sweating.

sweatshop=cheap humor
this comment=lame=not funny

sorry.

oh -- i know -- what if the sweatshop was under some gigantic sweaty balls? would that be funny? -- oh oh oh i think i got it:

sweatshop? I got yer sweatshop right here! (grabs his balls)

whew -- it's hard to be hilarious.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,

hmmmmn

interesting use of quotation marks. say, who said that? was it einstein? lincoln? louie anderson?

 

Anonymous dura-luxe is a gaywad.

This is quite hysterical. I am going to play it for my hott boyfriend while we are uberfucking!!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dura-luxe.
wait a minute. i thought new york comedian bloggers only commented on other new york comedian blogs.

did you get special permission?

i dare you to try to write more than 50 words without mentioning your AMAAAAZING sex with beardy.

 

Blogger Monkey is a gaywad.

Actually I WOULD like to hear ""That's what I've been trying to tell yo dumb ass --- bitch!" morphed into other languages! :-)

That was funny dude.

Funny!

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

bill murray, circa 1984(?) his quote by hear it in my head all the time...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Monkey,

Thanks! You would know.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,
you didn't leave Bill Murray's Quote.

are you drunk?

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

The quote about drilling a hole through your head is the Bill Murray quote. Maybe you're the one who's drunk.

It's from Ghostbusters by the way.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

I completely understand. I get sentences, complete with characters stuck in my head bad. One of the main culprits is a Jewish grandmother saying ‘I’ve got my eye on you!’… another one I had was a pompous English cunt saying ‘Don’t just stand there! Rrrrrape her boy!’ and he does that pompous rolling of the R. I couldn’t stop saying that for 2 weeks. I even said it out loud whilst showering etc. That one had heaps of variations. Others I say are: “Guards! Seize him” and a N.Y “So dare we were… me, Marty, and Jimmy da fish”…. Et fucken cetera.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

billy bunks!!
my brother from down under. it is truly a pleasure to know you!!

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

i finally got the courage to listen to this.

you are a terrific mimic. I like your real voice, too.

as a woman, this was a little scary. reminds me of my creepy uncle joe, the pervert of the century.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

courage?

wtf?

yeah, creepy uncle dude. plus that ole negro accent, boy if that don't just creep ya out...

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

sorry, merkley.

that is not a negro accent.

that is a white trash kentucky, accent, and my uncle joe has that very accent. i wouldn't expect some white boy from utah to understand that.

and yeah, joe was a pervert.

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

forgive my crappy punctuation.

do you want me to stop commenting here?

just tell me.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

paula,
well then white trash it is.

you know how the saying goes;

one man's white trash is another man's negro.

of course i don't want you to stop commenting. don't be silly. my whole self esteem is built on how many comments i get.

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

yeah.

I guess one woman's sexual ideal is another woman's pervert. And
I guess one man's sex goddess is another man's dog, too.

unfortunately, when it comes to attitudes and attractiveness, there are absolutes, Merkley.

 

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May 30, 2005

Things To Do Today (Another Hilarious Suicide Post)

Wake up.
Immediately think of suicide for ten minutes.
Think about how you are too good for the world and nobody understands just how wonderful you are.
Then think about how many friends you have.
Wow.
You have a lot of friends.
Some of the highest quality friends ever and they really like you.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You're the luckiest man alive except for anyone who gets to be on the Harlem Globetrotters maybe.
Girls like you, young girls even.
Everybody likes you.
Especially the people you admire.
Why are you so ungrateful?
You really must be a dick to have it so good and yet the first thing you think of when you wake up is suicide you ungrateful pansy assed fuck.
Maybe it's because of the alcohol.
Maybe you are an alcoholic.
Nah.
You don't even like alcohol.
You only drink it because you want to laugh and treat people well.
Check your blog stats.
Few more people than last week.
Somebody in New Mexico.
I wonder if it's a funny girl.
Probably a fag.
Man you used to be a jerk.
Pffft, what are you saying?
You're still a jerk.
Unfortunately you are the kindest most sensitive person you know.
All the more reason to kill yourself.
Holy shit.
This beard is out of control.
You look like fucking Santa Claus.
Nobody understands.
Fuck'em.
Kill yourself.
That'll learn'em.
Wow, you really are a jerk.
Your whole thing is bullshit.
How can you simultaneously act like you love your friends and want to punish them all by blowing your brains all over the bedroom?
Ooooh -- what about the dogs?
Would they eat your brains if you blew them out?
That would be gross.
Or cool.
I should set up a video camera.
Too much work.
Pills.
As if.
You still gag taking aspirin.
You should fix the sheets.
Laying on a bare matress is disgusting.
If you kill yourself -- you should leave the sheets like they are.
It looks more desperate --- better for the cop photos.
Plus -- how retarded would those DNA tests be.
You should be naked too.
Stick something up your butt.
That'll keep the gay joke going.
People love that shit.
Write "Dennis Kucinich" on your penis first.
Now that's drama.
Who would find you?
Would the dogs cry and alert the neighbors?
Nah.
They'd be licking your brains.
Dude. You have to go to the post office -- they stopped delivering your mail a month ago -- you probably have overdue tax notices you need to read -- you can't fuck with the government.
On the other hand, If you kill yourself, you don't have to go to the post office or pay taxes.
Seriously, you need to change your sheets.
They are disgusting.
That gum from last week totally looks like a poop smudge now.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Go back to sleep.
Dream about having sex with Oprah again.
That dream was great.
If you kill yourself you don't have to change the sheets.
There's that KOIT commercial again.
Kill that bitch instead.
Then kill yourself.
Dude, you don't even have a clean shirt to wear and you have a billion shirts.
You are a fucking pig.
If you're dead, you don't have to do laundry.
Holy shit your armpits smell like meatloaf.
Fix the hot water heater.
That black stuff can't be good.
You'll probably be sued by your tenants.
If you killed yourself they could just have the house.
Who would you give your house if you died?
Quinn?
Fuck no.
You give him too much already.
You should give it to your real little brother or your sister.
Ahh fuck it.
They don't give you anything.
Nobody ever gives you anything.
Bridget gave you that brass question mark today.
You should kill yourself with that thing.
That would be rad.
No it wouldn't.
How lame.
Question marks.
Wow dude, you are soooooo deep.
You and a million wacky hippies who juggle and rollerblade.
Kill yourself.
Do it.


I'm too lazy.


Just like I thought.
You don't mean it.
You'll never kill yourself.
It's too dramatic.
Plus, if you're gonna put in the effort, you may as well do something productive.
How gay is suicide?
Only pussies kill themselves.
It's soooo mid nineties.
Write a fucking blog entry.
Go read Raymi.
Maybe she killed herself.

Wow.
This is worse than Rosie O'Donell's blog.

Top six favorite drunken misspellings from above post before spell check:

6. frooendx
5. alcohool
4. asspirni
3. Opraah
2. rollerbleedas
1. fucknig

That's all for now!

Don't get caught blabbing on and on about suicide on the world wide internet website!

Your favorite care free fella,

merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous lalalalani is a gaywad.

Said: I can't fucking believe how ungrateful you are- you little twirp!

Thought: I can't believe how much I fucking adore you!

The lesbian upstairs.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

Your armpits smell like meatloaf?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lani,
the feeling is quite mutual indeed. thanks.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

digi,

not the food, the man, or perhaps a meatloaf made by or from the meat of the man --

but not anymore.

i took a shower. whew.

now they smell like --- ummmm -- tupperware?

 

Anonymous rebecca is a gaywad.

I bet you will get some serious fucking pussy from this bleeding heart post. Genius.

Kidding, emailed a Bukowski poem that didn't have any swear words so I couldn't post it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

rebecca,
thanks for the poem.

i never read bukowski but i have a few friends who like to call me merkowski on account of my slobbishness, perpetual bachelorhood and penchant for pretty girls -- i guess.

i'm pretty sure i'm the butt of some inside joke.

assholes.

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

I like meatloaf.

 

Anonymous rebecca is a gaywad.

no college is forgivable.
no bukowski is not.

Pry yourself away from the internet for 1/2 a day and read Notes of a Dirty Old Man. If you don't love it I will give you a drawing for free.

 

Blogger Ajax is a gaywad.

My best friend's girl friend got fired from KOIT today. Fired! From KOIT!

She's my best friend's girl.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

rebecca,

does bukowski have a blog?

i only read blogs now.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ajax,

and she used to be yours?

come on ajax -- let me know who you are.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

I'm not a fag....

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

or am I? There was that one girl..

 

Blogger Ajax is a gaywad.

No, I thought she had a crush on me, but it turns out she was just using me to get to him, haha.

Fuckin' KOIT.

Oh, sorry about the anonymity, I hate blogger.com. This is my stupid blogg: mostlymeat.com.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Wendy from NEW MEXICO,

ahhhhh "NEW". take a deep breath of that new car smell. makes one want to go shopping and buy brand NEW underpants and big birthday cake and maybe even a kitten.

Old mexico. poor OLD mexico. just napping dudes with mustaches and gigantic sombreros. makes one want to buy beans and...... well ..... hmmmn ... just beans really.

thanks for commenting and being new.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ajax,

ha ha -- been there, girls always pretend to like me, then i realize they just want to play with my dog.

shit, i'll take her leftovers.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

Oh merkley-
Its always fun to go to the darkside with you. Now I cant do my suicide post. jerk.
If I kill myself, I cant get in trouble for plagiarism.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,
how right you are. there are lots of lame things that wouldnt matter if we were dead.

it's good to have a positive outlook about death.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Hey you bi-polar pained artist fuck… go to the post office, I mailed you something… I sent it before I saw this. If I hadda read this I would have included some razors for them ole wrists o’ yours.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

billy,
ha ha.
i know you know.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

No, I really did... Oak St and all.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

well then mr bunks, i will have to check the post office.

 

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May 24, 2005

Hooray! I'm Gay!

Ok, so I'm not gay. But Sunday night I may as well have been. I was invited by my friends Maria and Kelly to go around the corner to see Erasure. And I WENT! Oh BOY!


Vincent Clarke & Andy Bell


Thinking back, the whole day was kinda gay.

I had an all day barbeque with just five hot chicks and myself on the deck of the lesbians apartment upstairs. Normally this would fit in to my hyper-hetero-quasi-polygamist M.O., but I did notice that when the time came to light the barbeque and all the women naturally deferred to my manliness to do it, I found myself completely disinterested. I was sufficiently content sipping on my strawberry margarita complete with fruit slices and a scoop of vanilla ice cream. I didn't want to light no god damn fire. Besides, the wind was blowing outside, I didn't want to mess up my hair.

There was also a lot of talk about vaginas -- which is great. I always like that subject. It might be said that vaginas are one of my favorite subjects. Problem was, there was also a lot of talk about irritable bowel syndrome and sex with dolphins. Is that gay? It doesn't seem straight.

But going to Erasure as part of Andy Bell's guest list (no matter if I was once removed and was really Maria's guest) was definitely the topper.

Or no, I take that back, the topper was probably the fact that as I stood up in the VIP balcony and gazed down upon all the sweaty homo dudes and fag hags singing loudly and dancing gayly I think that I actually for a second may have actually wished I could be gay (damn you cursed weiner!). You would have too. If you would have seen the looks on those faces as Andy Bell churned out tune after faggy tune about being a boy in love and being a boy with his heart broken -- you would have wanted to be a part of that action too. Trust me you homos.

But there is more to it than just that. Anyone who knows me knows that there is little I enjoy more than seeing people having a good time (Unless they are enjoying a Michael Moore movie. I fucking HATE that).

As I gazed down upon all those queerbaits, I knew full well that 90% of them weren't raised in San Francisco and I began to imagine them in their terrible little towns, getting their new wave hair-dos, being harassed and bullied by insensitive assholes. I imagined them dating fat goth girls and really hot cheerleaders the former for company the latter for hairstyling tips but both really to just avoid being beaten up and severely mocked. I imagined all of the troubles and their feelings of isolation in towns where gay is NOT OK -- and then I magined their dreams of moving to San Francisco and finding a little place and a bunch of new cute oily boyfriends and I imagined them holding hands with their new crush for the first time IN PUBLIC --- proud to show off their new conquest -- I imagined their gay hearts beating out little deep house rhythms and being excited like I was when I finally convinced a girl to make out with me in public at the school dance.

No, fuck that..-- I didn't imagine it. -- I didn't imagine any of it. I could see it all very clearly on their faces and I have to say that it was a beautiful thing (sniff) -- it almost felt holy -- like a Sanctuary for gays. That's what I thought. I think I even made jokes about it.

There is nothing like seeing even one persons dream come true -- let alone a whole room full homo dreams.

And I thought all of this while Andy Bell pranced around in his sparkled underwear and feathers singing "give a little respect to-ooo-oooo-oooo meeeeeeeeee!

And I almost cried.

Then I danced like a homo for a half an hour.

Then I wanted to write a political peice about how being pro-war-on-islam is being pro-homo. But then, today I read Bill Whittles latest essay entitled oddly enough but not surprisingly "Sanctuary" and it's really about just THAT. I love his essays. There are few writers that can speak for me -- but he is one of them and he does it so well that I basically have given up going on about politics -- he does it so much better. He is soooooo pro-homo too.

Read it if you want. It'll take a half an hour at least -- but I'm not interested in debating with any of you about why I like it so much or why I agree with him. So don't even bother -- I would prefer to take my shirt off and prance around like a raging queen than debate with any of you.

In fact, I'm gonna do that right now! Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Argue over there with all the morons in his comments section. Sheesh, what a total bum out.

Now, here's a picture I took of Allannah on the way to our little photo shoot the other day. Awe, such pensive melancholy.




That's all for now!

Don't get caught crying like a fag while listening to Depeche Mode!

The faggiest unfaggy straight hunk of manliness you know (as he hocks a loogie),
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

That was the gayest post I've read in my life.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

Well, this settles it. You are definitely gay.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Dash,

Thanks! You should see my cute little outfit.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

DigiQueen,

If I'm so gay then why is my weiner so straight?

Ha ha -- I said STRAIGHT.

ELTON JOHN IS A GENIUS! HOORAY FOR CLAAAAYYYY!!!

 

Anonymous rebecca is a gaywad.

Sweet post. I know the perfect guy to set you up with. Are you a top or bottom? (Insert bottom joke here.)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Rebecca,
Top or Bottom? Oooohh I never really thought about it. it's all sooooo exciting i want to try eeeeevvvveeerrryyyttttthhhiiinngggg!!!!!

Weeeeeeeeeeee!!

what else do homos say besides weeeee?

my weee muscles are starting to get a little strained.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

dude erasure rocked. i got to dust of my fag hag dance card and get it stamped by 400 of my closest homo friends. i love seeing people have fun. that whole room was smiles from ear to ear....even when andy bell tried to anally injest one of his lighting fixtures.

also for a man with two, yes two artificial hips he sure can dance and certainly does a pair of blue glittery spanky pants justice. if only we all could be so lucky.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

funkybiznatch,

Artificial hips? From too much fag dancing or homo humping?

Wow. Being gay is dangerous. crap, first my "weeeeeeee" muscles get all achey, now i think I can feel my hips starting to get all worn out and i have only been air humping.

maybe i don't wanna be gay afterall.

BTW -- you missed all the aftershow dancing. Michael O'Connor was doing the roger rabbit, the smurf and the robot. --- to New Order.

Why the fuck didn't he win district 5 supervisor? If only the fags could have seen sunday night's performance before the elections, he would have been a shoe in.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

he gots fakies in his hips cause he gots the HIV. he got pnemonia and then a gnarly infection, then he fell down went boom and shattered them shits, now he has two newbies.

man, i heard about the aftershow dance party. my homo friend was all gung ho let's go home so i had to bail. but that was not before michael o'conner came up behind me and did the humpty dance on my from the back. we did the arms above the head homo dance together several times earlier in the evening. mc is a-okay in my book.

i heard from miss maria that you busted out a nice round of your signature "smalls" dance style. man you gots moves.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

funky,

awe mannn -- way to rain on my gay parade.

aids. i heard of that. didn't ronald reagan eat a lot of those? -- wait. that was jelly beans -- oh yeah, he invented aids -- or wait -- that was al gore. no al gore invented ice -- or air. no wait -- computers al gore invented computers. wait -- i'm typing on a computer -- am i gonna get aids now?

can you get the aids from air humping?

oh no -- what about air humping aids?

I'm gonna take a bath in drano.

 

Anonymous rebecca is a gaywad.

You never really considered whether you are a top or bottom? You aren't gay, you're still Mormon. Are you a virgin? I smell garments.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

rebecca,
it is true that mormons love erasure more than any other group -- INCLUDING GAYS.

I suppose in gay land, ie buttsex land, i am a virgin as i have never pitched nor received in any fashion.

i feel sooo young now. thanks for pointing that out.
i wish there was a form i could fill out to make it official.

 

Blogger r/r is a gaywad.

yeah you're gay, watch how many times you mentioned it...something's on your miiind killer.

it's alright eh.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

rjennar,

Ideally it would be best to be bi-sexual. suddenly the possibilities double. add in dogs or sheep and then it's like quadruple. if i could only get my stubborn little -- i mean GIGANTIC weiner to think rationally -- problem is that little dickhead only reacts to female stuff. closed minded dick.

trust me, if i was gay -- i'd be fucking great at it. i'd win trophies and shit.

btw -- it's impossible to live in san francisco and not think about gay stuff. that would be like living in disneyland and never mentioning mickey mouse.

 

Blogger invincibleoverlord is a gaywad.

hooray for gayness!

Now as for the ejectx3 fellow...

I read about 30 paragraphs and got bored because his premise and lefty bashing is based on a simple and obvious misunderstanding of some stuff. And I won't go into and try to explaing it cause if you don't get it than you're just a misunderstander too. Who wants to argue when there is gayness to be celebrated!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

insatiableoverdick,

Hooray is right!

Had you been there I would have given you a big kiss on the lips!

so what? -- because you didn't like the article you think i'm stupid? are you trying to say i suck? what? are you trying to say i'm fat? you hate my hair? what? -- JUST SAY IT!!

just kidding

take off your pants and powder your balls!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

i knew something was strange when i woke up the other morning!

merkley jackson.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

alex,

i never guessed you'd be so soft and smooth.

i just grossed myself out.

ok. now i have a stomach ache.

thanks a lot asshole.

hey -- why can't we just conjugate stomach ache and write it: stomache?

i'm smart. i have good ideas. somebody needs to start a wikipedia page about me.

 

Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

I didn't read the whole post, I just read the header where you declared you were gay.... yeah, no shit son. Tell the people something they don't know!

Like that time, when you were younger and I caught you making out with that homeless man. That's a funny story the way I spanked you in public and you were all crying and shit.

Anyway, have fun now that you're out of the closet, maybe you can go find that homeless guy again.

Sincerely,

Your father

 

Anonymous Lani is a gaywad.

Bill's essay was absolutely fantastic- thanks for linking to it. I laughed; I cried; I think I punched my fist into the air...
Awesome.
L
And yes. You are gay.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

yes you can get AIDS from air humping. all humping is now an extreme sport.

you've got to get bionic hips in order to play on todays extreme sexing playground.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

imposter ben.

ok -- enough with the imposter dad stuff. i'd rather just acknowledge you as a dude with the same name as my dad. i think we have beaten that joke to death -- don't you think?

seriously -- it's kinda creepy.

but thanks for returning and commenting.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lani,

i had a similar reaction.

thanks for commenting.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

funky,

shit. where's the saran wrap?

 

Blogger r/r is a gaywad.

fair enough merk dawg, i feel the same way about bisexuals. i'd respond to that shit if i could, without a doubt.

i happen to live in northwestern ontario where it's impossible not to think about gay-bashing. that's the culture around here.

 

Anonymous rebecca is a gaywad.

mostsensibleoverlord,

You called it, misunderstander is my new favorite word. Although I think manipufyer could also apply to his argument.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

26 comments, jesus... You wouldn't even notice if I made a comment or not anymore.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bunks,

half of them are me. it makes me look super popular.

truthfully, all of these other people are me too.
you're the only one who reads my blog.

you're probably me too.

oh the voices -- the voices -- make them STOP!

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Mum is going to be pissed of when she finds who I really am.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

"mum"

australia is so cute like that.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

ha ha, you guys say 'Mawm'.

'Hey Maaawm, can I ride my moturr skoooterrr to Joey's Dynerrr and eat some alooominem? looky here.. OZMA Bin Laden is on T.V!'

 

Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

Man... did I just get a lecture or what? I may just take my ball and go home bully!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ben,
awwww come on. i know you didn't MEAN to creep me out.

around here -- creeping people out is MY job.

ha ha.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

I keep thinking I should make a comment about the Erasure music show, but that's wayyyyyy before my time, so all I will say is that now you have admitted to being creepy. Creep!

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Hey.. Merkley???

The password is: 'Arbitrary'.

Now, I realise this mightn't make much sense to you just yet, but it will.


.

 

Anonymous mike is a gaywad.

near 10 years on the internet and i finally found something worth reading and it's honest...

YOU DICK!
(i mean that in a nice way of course)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
did i say creepy?

i meant HANDSOME.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bunks

got it. i love passwords. now what?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

mike,

thank you.

you made my day.

too bad it's all lies and trickery.

 

Post a Comment

May 20, 2005

Penis + Vagina = Spanking

My Dad only spanked me once.

My parents divorced when I was less than 2 years old. I don't even remember them ever being together. During the week I lived in my mothers household with all the billions of step brothers and sisters (a.k.a. invaders) and my sister and two halfies. On the weekends I lived at my dad's with my sister and four halfies.

Across the street from my dad's house lived an ugly girl named Sheila. She was not only ugly, she was a smarmy little bitch. I never liked her. She smelled like baby food. Strained peas even.

One day, completely unprovoked, she yelled at me from across the street. She yelled;

"Merkley is a PEEEEENISSSSS!"

So I yelled back:

"Sheila is a VAGIIINAAAA!"

Remember, I lived in Utah. Mormons have trouble with nasty words like penis and vagina and this was long before anyone ever used these words outside a laboratory. All the neighbors gasped simultaneously causing a great drop in outside air pressure triggering tornadoes and hurricanes and pulling farts out of every butt for miles. Phones began ringing, newspapers were called. Infants ears were filled with Drano to cleanse them of the filth...

Eventually, Jesus Christ himself appeared to my father and he said unto him:

"Harvey, your son must be punished for his evil deeds. Take him high upon the mountain and smear him with goat blood and light him on fire!"

Luckily, my father never really did follow the letter of the law. Even more lucky still is that there is no such thing as a talking, floating Jesus. I totally made that whole part up.

What really happened is that for some weird reason, my father thought that I needed to apologize to this ugly cunt. This was totally out of character for my dad. He was usually the one telling everyone to relax.

That evening he firmly grabbed my hand marched me across the street, rang the bell, we were admitted into the stinky house where we both stood at the door. My father kindly announced:

"My son has something he would like to say to your daughter."

"No I don't"

"My son would like to apologize to your daughter." He said again but this time quite slowly and deliberately."

"No --- I ---- would ----- not." I said even MORE slowly and more deliberately. "She called me a PENIS and I called her a VAGINA, big deal, why should *I* have to apologize?"

Apparently, despite my dead on logic and rational, reasonable argument, repeating such ghastly scientific terminology was not what was needed right then.

"Well I apologize on behalf of my son."

I was then marched home, ushered into my fathers office where I received my first and only bare assed spanking. to be honest, it kinda hurt, but the whole time I was thinking:

"This is perfect. One day I will be an adult and I will hold this over my dad's head and embarrass him for his lack of self control and being overwhelmed by his stupid ego and pride being bruised."

And I have been embarrassing my dad with that story ever since. He is a good sport. He laughs every time. He has to, he was TOTALLY WRONG and I was TOTALLY RIGHT.

HA!

I sure do love my dad. He is the best dad in the world.

the end.

Now here is a little photograph I made yesterday of my friend Quinn Luke (a.k..a. Bing Ji Ling) and some hot chick named Alannah and all of her sisters. Click on it to see a bigger version.




Then, I made into a flyer for our next show at The Rickshaw Stop on June 4th. Click on it to see a bigger version.




That's all for now!

Don't get caught yelling VAGINA in a mormon town!

Your VAAAAAGIIIIINNNNAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH yelling buddy,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous gabrielle is a gaywad.

....so you've ALWAYS hurt little girls' feelings huh?

nice story.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
personally, i think she WANTED me to call her a vagina. don't little girls usally act nasty towards the little boys they want to kiss?

had i only known the secret ways back then, we might possibly be divorced now dear old sheila and i.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

My sister called my dad a nigger once.
I've never seen him move so fast in my life.
First, he had to explain what it meant, then he had to punish her for using it.
She got in so much trouble that we totally and completely fetishized that word. we even called our dolls and stuffed animals niggers behind closed doors. Our family is caucasian, as far as we know...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,

i totally understand. after the spanking, i basically became obsessed with vaginas, i even had one installed on the end of my arm. some people say it looks like a hand...

but trust me,

it's a real vagina.

!

 

Blogger Toms Thumb is a gaywad.

Beat that thing like it owed you money?

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Hey, thats a great photo.

You should have strolled over there and cracked her fucking face open with a brick.

http://home.hetnet.nl/~sterretjes/annee.html

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

You're dad sounds like a great guy. You're lucky.

Great poster.

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

I meant great photo.

 

Blogger bardot is a gaywad.

when i read the title of today's essay, i totally thought it was about naughty things...

damn, i was disappointed.

although, i was slightly excited during the part you were spanked.

rrrrrrawr.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thumb,
beating. you're so violent.
a vagina caresses.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bunks,
thanks.
but i think cracking her in the face would have been unwarranted.

honestly, the penis thing didn't bother either one of us much. for all i know, had the adults not stepped in, the conversation could have evolved into: THROBBING PENIS! --- SLIPPERY VAGINA!! and we might have ended up doing it in her fathers camper,

now i know why the adults were upset. 10 year olds havng sex in the camper?

jealousy is wrong.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

deleted,

LUCK is right.

usually i HATE that word. but in the case of parents and who you get as yours. well THAT really is luck.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bardot,

maybe i can write a fictionalized version about the whole camper scenario and send it to you.

i'm that kind of guy.

i'm a giver.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

I've met sheila and she is a total vagina.

 

Anonymous halfie#1 is a gaywad.

Ahhhh, I knew this story would hit the blog eventually. Merkley???, you're forgetting some details. (Sheila) was adopted, being raised by a devoutly Lutheran mother, and who was snooty about it. (I know - I couldn't get away with even genital euphamisms around their house). Now Harvey had to save face in front of her. The forced appology and spankings were necessary to show whatever Lutheran was paying attention that Mormons could dish out a licking as cold as a Lutheran guilt trip - Go Harvey! It was an epic bare-assed spanking. I think he ADDED rings to his fingers. Your screaming was sooooo tragic. Even MY begging wasnt stopping him, so I just I wept for you in the backyard while eating a sandwich in the dark. (I think it was grilled cheese...I love grilled cheese).

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Halfie#1

Ha! yet another Imposter!!

I didn't cry! and all my siblings laughed!

you see, pointing and laughing is a long standing tradition in my family.

But I do like your version of events. had I found you in the back yard whimpering i am nearly certain I would have made fun of you. and convinced you that the cat turds in the sand box were gum drops!

yummy.

 

Blogger B is a gaywad.

that pic of the green house and shit is LOOSE! i think i wanna move in

 

Anonymous shotbart is a gaywad.

This is so fucking hilarious :D

Just discovered it from the 1990 archives... hey, why don't you write a Memories book? Could sell millions... ;)

 

Post a Comment

May 18, 2005

Forgiveness, The New Hit Realty TV SHOW

I invented this show last night and it's terrific!

Here's the deal:

A chainsaw weilding multi-bazillionaire sneaks up on a subject and without asking any questions, saws off one of their limbs. No debate. No negotiating. Just straight up saws it off. Plop. Medical experts are there to apply tourniquets and what not so the poor loser doesn't die. Then the subject is handed a phone on which he can dial 911 but other options are explained to him:

The multi-bazillionaire asks the limbless goon:

"How much cold hard cash will it take for me to buy your forgiveness and keep you from calling the cops or pressing charges?"

Of course the wussie subject would scream and holler about "principal this" and "sick motherfucker that" but then the mutli-bazillionaire explains:

"Look, your leg is gone. We already dissolved it in acid. Sending me to jail is not going to change that. Also, suing me isn't going to yield one penny because my money is locked up in swiss bank accounts and blah blah blah... but I am a multi-bazillionaire and even though what I did is terrible this is your chance to make me pay for what I did. Name your price. How much is your forgiveness going to cost me in American dollars?"

The subject cries like a little baby but thinks about it and says;

"Oh, I don't know -- 5 million dollars" or whatever other price he has in his stupid head.

SOLD!! A check is written and the show is over.

BUT, here is the twist, the viewing audience gets to vote on what price is reasonable and if the person goes over that amount, it is explained to them that they are greedy and unrealistic and then they are shot in the eyeball or otherwise killed. YAY!! Greedy homo amputee.

GREED IS WRONG! Finally a show with a moral -- a LESSON. That's what TV needs.

Oh yeah, it can be filmed in India too. Everyone knows that Indian limbs are much cheaper than American limbs -- anyway - THE VIEWERS WILL DECIDE!!

I'm thinking FOX or UPN. Flavor Flav or Donald Trump hosts -- maybe together.

Shout-outs to Bing Ji Ling for thinking of INDIA!

the end

Now here is a picture I took the other night at Bottom of The Hill of my good friend Elizabeth Davis. She plays the bass for Von Iva. I met her when she used to play in a band called 7 Year Bitch and I interviewed them for a Salt Lake City Music magazine called Grid way back in 1995. We have been friends ever since.





That's all for now!

Don't get caught over estimating the price of your useless severed limb --- douchebag!

Your kind and gentle humanitarian pal,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger invincibleoverlord is a gaywad.

Greed is an expression of what I consider to be a central trait of most mammals: the instinct to accumlate valuable resources such as food and shelter). For instance you, Merkley, accumulate burritos. And you do it well. As do I. The problem for me is that when another mammal, or worse a corporation (which is a cooperative of mammals) tries to pry the Burritos out of my mouth. That's when I pull out my Numbchucks and administer a healthy beating. Which is exactly what the contestants in your TV gameshow should be allowed to do as a twist at the end when the Bazillionaire thinks it's over and it in the back hallway on the way to his limo.

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

The old testament says a limb for a limb.

The new testament says that if the offender asks for forgiveness, then you should forgive them.

period.

But the multi bazillionaire would have to be genuinely sorry. you know, repentent.

The real question is: it possible for a multi bazillionaire to feel sorry when they have an objectivist point of view?

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

but if it were up to me, i'd tie the bazillionaire up, cut his fucking balls off and make him eat them whole.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Who cares what the Bible said,

“However, what she withheld from the infant, she bestowed with the utmost profuseness on the poor unknown mother, whom she called an impudent slut, a wanton hussy, an audacious harlot, a wicked jade, a vile strumpet, with every other appellation with which the tongue of virtue never fails to lash those who bring a disgrace on the sex.”

Henry Fielding. (1707–1754). The History of Tom Jones.
The Harvard Classics Shelf of Fiction. 1917.

Book I. Containing as Much of the Birth of the Foundling as Is Necessary or Proper to Acquaint the Reader with in the Beginning of This History
IV. The Reader’s Neck Brought into Danger by a Description: His Escape; and the Great Condescension of Miss Bridget Allworthy



It bears little relevance, but it’s the History of Tom Jones for crying out loud, and its sounds fucking cool. ‘Impudent Slut’. Jesus can’t beat shit like that.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

Has Fox called you about this yet?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dumont,
No fucking way.
The conestants don't get to bite back. this reality show is about the imporance of MONEY in dealing with heavy emotional and physical issues,

you can do your own show about vengance.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

deleted,

the multi-bazillionaire doesnt have to be sorry -- he is rich. sorry is for poor people.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bunks,
i didn't understand any of that. but you're right. it sounded fucking cool.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

digiboner,
no -- fox hasn't called yet -- they will probably just read my blog and steal my idea like they did with The Simpsons, which i totally invented.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

I think that to be fair, if the person guesses the audience's value exactly, they get their limb sewn back on by George Clooney and Noah Wyle.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

My friends have a show called "copters" they're cops and doctors- first they shoot the criminalas, then they treat their wounds. AWESOME. gore + compassion = funny.

Billy- I like a little Tom Jones with my coffee. Who played him in the movie? tomorrow I'd Like a little Moll Flanders with my latte.

 

Anonymous buttergun is a gaywad.

You should do a spin off called “Someone Up There is Looking Out for Me.”

The contestants are dudes from “Real TV” who have had near death experiences like the cord breaking 50 yards above ground while they are bungee jumping resulting in 90% of their bones turning into talcum powder and the six month later interview quotes them saying “Yeah, I’m a lucky guy. God was really looking out for me that day.”

So you take those guys and set up horrible accident after accident to befall them without telling them they are part of your sassy new show. After each accident re-interview them and monitor every instance of said dumb ass thanking the lord. What he doesn’t know is there is a million dollar stash waiting for him but each time he thanks the lord $100,000 is taken out of the pot. When he finally loses faith in god he gets what is left of the money.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,
Done. that is an awesome bonus. good reality requires bonuses.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Bridget,
Now I REALLY want TIVO.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Buttergun,

That Idea kicks the shit out of my idea. That may very well be one of the best ideas EVER.

Somebody call Al Gore, I hear he knows someone that knows someone that knows how to start up a new network or internet or fax machine.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

buttergun,

OK i thought about it and decided that your idea is THE abosolute best idea EVER in the history of the world. but it is my duty to inform you that since it appeared in the comments section of my website, the copyright belongs to me.

you have to read the fine print.

i know, rough break, BUT -- since i am benevolent, you can apply to be one of the first contestants and we will turn a blind eye to the fact that you hate god --- thus insuring you ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!!

oh yeah, and talcum powder bones.

 

Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

I'm bored. You're boring. I always wished you were a girl, in fact, I tried to throw you in the river when you were born but apparently they have laws against that.

Next time, make that girl with the big who who's take her top off. Do it for dear old dad!

Sincerely,

Your father

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Imposter Ben,

My real dad NEVER gets bored.

you know what they say, bored people are usually boring.

hey, i know -- GO TO THE GYM!!! That's FUN.

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

Well, Merkley, in that case I think we should make a spin off series where mobs of poor people chase one rich person around the globe, the goal being to capture him and flay his penis while he is still alive. There could be stops at many scenic and exotic places throughout the world.

You could call it "The Amazing and Satisfying Race"

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Deleted,
Che Guevara already tried to make that movie.

I think Michael Moore would be up for it -- give him a ring.

 

Anonymous rebecca (BG) is a gaywad.

I'm glad to see that with all of our differences we have something we can bond over, the mockery of god.

 

Anonymous TM is a gaywad.

Merkley, you do realize that you are crazy, don't you?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

rebecca,

i'm a uniter not a divider, except with limbs. limbs should be divided.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ted,

crazy like a FOX!!

FOX TV!! Who stole my idea for "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire."

I totally thought of OPRAH first too.

 

Blogger B is a gaywad.

blah blah blah

that's one reality tv show i would watch.

my mate fucked my shit up once so i made her sit through survivor until she apologised for fucking my shit up. it took her 20 seconds

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

billie,

how did you make her watch it? gun? glue? threats? was she pinned down?

sounds like a good story.

 

Blogger B is a gaywad.

let me just say i am the cleverest EVER and if anyone wants me to trick someone into believing theyre about to watch ben stiller (ROCK ON BEN YOURE THE BRILLIANTEST)and in 0.242 seconds be sat on, pinned down and slapped in the face, then im your girl... i tell everyone i tortured her 'survivor style' and they all imagine that i threw her on a deserted island and told her to start eating her own leg (which is basically what i did)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

billie,

leg -- yum. now i'm hungry.

 

Post a Comment

May 14, 2005

How To Seem Crazy, Be Annoying and Give Someone a Complex All At The Same Time

Just Close your eyes when you are speaking directly to them. Turn your head so it faces them, but just keep your eyes closed no matter what you are saying. While listening to them speak or formulating your next thought, turn your head away from them and act completely normal. also act normal and maintain good eye contact with anyone else.

Try it on someone right now.

Now here is a picture I took at the Bottom of The Hill last night of Bex, good friend and Keyboard player for my foxy pals Von Iva.




I also added a picture I took of that beautiful woman with whom I had the conversation about my rambo-like sperm being able to climb any mountain and drive motorcycles. Scroll down to see.

That's all for now!

Don't get caught staring at midgets or retards!

Your Favorite Man to Think About While on The Toilet,

merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Toms Thumb is a gaywad.

OK, But I will have to be careful about who I practice on, because the people who know me, already know I am crazy. This may only frighten them. Oh, and thanks for the encouragement, you are too cool.

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

What's wrong with staring at midgets? I think they're sexy.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thumb,
no problem dood.
blogging can be fun. especially if you are as self-obsessed and long winded as i am.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

mnm,
YOU"RE RIGHT!!

NO KNEE PADS!!

 

Blogger r/r is a gaywad.

how in the hell?

your blog's cool if that's what you wanted to hear.

some one else is doing small things to this computer. QUESTION MARKS.

i torched the language center of my brain over the weekend.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

rjennar,

Thanks.

Nah, i wasn't soliciting any compliments. My quip about socialism amongst the young was intended for what it was. don't get tricked into wearing a che shirt. that guy was a total dick.

anyway, i'm trying to be less political -- but i fucking deplore noam chomsky and his ilk.

cheers! thanks for stopping by.

 

Anonymous Billy is a gaywad.

(Talking) Politics: A waste of drinking / heckling time.

Midgets: Fashionable ‘wacky’ topic which I find boring / done to death. Try one of the following substitutes: Progeria Kids, Kids with Progeria, Progerians.



Yoko Ono has a pet Progeria Kid, she admires his accquired wisdom and olden days charm.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

mr. bunks,
i find it impossible to disagree. problem is, i really do like midgets. i wish i was just joking, but i can't stop thinking about them, it's kinda sad really. lots of things on this blog are just really sad things that people think are jokes. my tears can't always be joy for everyone.

anyway, yeah, progeria, thats what you call a two fer --- because you make fun of kids AND the elderly in one fell swoop.

resourceful.

thanks.

 

Blogger MC Sweet Roy is a gaywad.

Wow, with that one paragraph, you nailed the horrible conversations and disregard that makes me hate people.

Keep up the good work, sir!

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

Pretty picture, but the complex idea didn't work, I tried it and was asked if I had a headache. Oh well.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks MC.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Gaby,
Crap. That makes sense. Maybe you could try flipping them off too.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

How do you know so many hot chicks? Not fair!

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

don't you call me crazy!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,
i'm not sure, but i wish i knew MORE!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

alex,
ok -- not crazy -- ZANY LIKE A LOON!

 

Anonymous Billy is a gaywad.

Hey Merkeley???

http://www.perfect.co.uk/robin/2005/05/lionvsmidgets.htm


asshole.

 

Anonymous Billy is a gaywad.

forget about it

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

I want a progeria kid. sort of like a pet yoda.

Merkley- I think I saw you in the park practising your tai chi. Looking good, friend!

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

ha ha!

They are SO Yoda!!!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

billy,
i read that story last week. too bad there isn't any video.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,
i think there is one up for sale on ebay. free side of spaghetti to the winning bidder.

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

http://www.halfpintbrawlers.com/store/index.php


midgets fighting lions=cool
midgets fighting each other for dvd=not cool.


and flipping people off is just childish. im too mature for that shit.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
you're right at least 15% of the time, and this is one of those times.

instead of flipping them off, just fart right next to them, make sure to pat your pants so that all the stink power gets out -- then walk away.

that's what we ADULTS do.

 

Post a Comment

May 11, 2005

Happy Tickle Party!! YAAAAY!!

Yippee!! Another audio post done in MY voice Exactly how I talk EVERYDAY ALL DAY!! And all I had to do was call in on a public pay phone from the park.

this is an audio post - click to play

But for those of you poor pathetic souls with jobs that don't allow swearing. I have transcribed the audio post exactly as I said it. Aren't you GLAD??!!

begin fucking audio:

Hello everybody! How's it going? It's time for a good audio post because I'm in a great mood.

Ya wanna know why? Because I'm alllways in a good mood. I'm the happiest guy in the whole universe of planets always and constantly and forever and ever.

Hey look, sunshine is coming out of my pants!

Heeeyy, what's that? A duck? A cute little baby duck? And its coming out of my butt? WOW -- I must be super duper happy for that to happen ---

Hey, now my Weener is singing, let's have a listen,

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and GAY!!"

Ha Ha -- oops, don't say GAY Weener, say HAPPY, otherwise people might get the wrong idea and think we're faggots you and me, we wouldn't want that now would we? Faggots are sad! Because the only place where a faggot weener gets to go has a lot of poop smeared all over the place and poop is definitely NOT happy AT ALL... and we are happy!

Weener, hey, what's wrong Weener? Why are you droopy and frowny all of a sudden? What? You want me to tickle you? Oh thats a great idea. Tickles are FUN. But maybe we should wait until were not at the park on this great public pay phone. Sometimes, Weener, people get jealous when they see us playing together. Some people just aren't happy enough with themselves to join in the tickle party. Some people just loooove to call the cops when other people are having fun.

Jealousy is not fun.

Ooops, sorry folks, Weener and I got carried away in a conversation and we almost forgot about you!

Anyway, I just wanted to drop a line to let you all know how incredibly wonderfully happy I am all the time and I hope that you are really happy too. Hey, I got an idea, why don't you go and have a tickle party with your weener too! Or, for the girls, you can have a tickle party with your boner receptacle!

That's all for now!! don't get caught exploding with fun at the park!

The happiest man alive,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

You have very talented genitals. Can they dance, as well?

 

Anonymous bryon is a gaywad.

I'll be the first to admit that this is a dumb comment, but holly crap that was funny ...

 

Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

We all know I don't read the crap you write, I just scroll down for the picture... with posts like this, why the fuck do I even bother? I should have worn a condom that night with your mom, I knew nothing good would come of it.

Sincerely,

Your father

 

Blogger bardot is a gaywad.

you make me wish i had a weener!

boner receptacles are high maintenance.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

digicat,
CAN WEENER DANCE??
Weener was the UTAH breakdance state champion of 1984. talk about doing the WORM -- Weener is a total natural.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Byron,
YAY! I'm glad you liked it. I think I might just hop on the phone EVERY TIME i feel so happy.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Imposter ben,
Wrong again! My real DAD wore 200 condoms the night i was conceived.

you cannot stop a motivated spermatazoa!

to this very day, latex disintegrates at the mere sight of me.

YOU'RE THE WORST FAKE DAD IMPOSTER IN THE HISTORY OF FAKES!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Bardot,
Maintenence? What, you need like a janitor down there?

What's the pay? I hear custodial work can be a very rewarding career.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Bardot,

I'll trade with you.

 

Anonymous rants in my pants is a gaywad.

Oh brother...that was the perfectly inappropriate thing to play for my office mates. Thank you. We all laughed and admitted that you are a funny man.

 

Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

Son,

The latex doesn't disintegrate at the mere sight of you, it disintegrates because it's been in your wallet, unused, for so long.

I swear, I don't know where you come up with this shit sometimes...

Sincerely,

Your father

 

Anonymous Billy is a gaywad.

Ha ha, 'Weiner'. That is such an American word.

Sorry Merkely, I'm all out of shit to say. I'll leave you with this email I just got at work. (Note the spelling of the word you would spell 'color', isn't it exotic)

Hi All,

I wish to advise that the hot water tank was leaking and has now been repaired. There may be some brownish water come through when the taps are first used. However, if the water is allowed to run for a short period it will clear and return to normal. The colour is from normal sediment from water which builds up in the bottom of the tank.

regards,
Kim

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

pure genius.

 

Blogger Toms Thumb is a gaywad.

Things I Learned on my days off - (1 MCB Rocks. (2 I have a soft spot for homeless women - We were approched by this lady Wednesday nite in the city and she asked if we could spare some change, I quickly said,"No,you're just going to spend it on drugs or alcohol." Then my wife punched me in the neck and said,"Thats what we were going to do with it any way." So she gave her some money, and I found out about my soft spot for homeless women.(Its in my neck) (3 If you are smuggling a prostetic penis on an airplane leave your toothpaste at home.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Rants,
YAY!! office listening!

Thanks for stopping by.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Imposter Ben.

LIAR.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Billy,
Good luck with the poop water.

Kim is up to no good.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

MNM,
Thanks.
Yup, NASA engineers and I have an awful ot in common.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Thumb,
soft spot,
Good one,
Hey,why don't you post on your blog? Good stories shouldn't be wasted in a comments section. Post your shit. everytime I go there, there ain't shit but complaining about some guy named Bush somethin or other.

Who's that?

 

Anonymous buttergun is a gaywad.

You sound like a gay David Cross.

If your ol' camarillo brillo is "high maintenance" you might see a doctor about that. Trading it for ET’s stinkfinger is like Lewis and Clark trading salmon for dog meat.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

buttergun,
don't knock dog meat.
but the salmon comparison was dead on.

 

Anonymous buttergun is a gaywad.

Your acting like I said dog meat was a bad thing. Some people love dog meat. Can't get enough dog meat. Lewis and Clark for instance.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

butterfun,

well okay then.

i stand erected.

ha ha ha ha ha hHAHAHAHHA

holy shit -- did you hear me? -- i said ERECTED instead of CORRECTED -- and its so funny because we were talking about weeners which we then compared to dog meat -- and dog meat gets erections!

Sometimes i don't know how i do it.

 

Blogger Natalie is a gaywad.

is the sunshine coming out the front or the back side of your pants?

yes enough with the pudding, lets talk about the snakes.
snakes are lucky good omens.
i am a gypsy, and i know these things.

 

Blogger Toms Thumb is a gaywad.

So okay, I can take a hint.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

natalie,
ok, you caught me. it's not sunshine at all. it's just fart fumes and they are just kinda seeping out the back. hey! kinda like a SNAKE!! YAAAAAY for FART SNAKES!!!

thanks for stopping by.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thumb,
that wasnt a hint. i just like having a reading list and there isn't ever anything on your blog. you can leave your stories here if you want. no skin off my nose.

 

Post a Comment

If I Was a Fake Turd...

If I was a fake boob, I'd have a little squeaker placed inside of me just like Rubber Ducky, then EVERYONE would be fond of me.




If I was a fake turd, I'd have a little squeaker placed inside of me and then i'd legally rename myself Rubber Dookie™ and the rest goes just like the last joke.



If I was a Rubber Dookie™, I could feasibly be re-inserted into a butthole, squeaked using only sphincter action, videotaped, and sent around the world as an email attachment sent by people who just barely discovered the internet and email.




If I was 1996, Poop emails, along with Bottles In a Vagina emails, Fish and Vegetables In a Vagina emails, and Dog Penises In a Vagina emails, would be attributed to me and I would forever be known as the year in which friends seared these unforgettable images into the minds of other friends because it was just way too easy and totally hilarious.



If I was 1997, I would be the year in which millions of emails were sent with the subject: PLEASE STOP SENDING ME POOP EMAILS!!



the end

Now here's yet ANOTHER picture I took of Yana.




That's all for now!

Don't get caught putting rubber ducks up your butt!

Your favorite freelance pediatrician,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

Ha! diaper humor.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

It's very very advanced. I know.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

HEY! That girl is not wearing a shirt!

 

Anonymous bryon is a gaywad.

Dood, doesn't she know how dirty your couch is!? I wouldn't lay on that thing nude ... not to mention all the other nude girls you've had laying around on it (I guess I did mention it).

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,
it's an invisible shirt. i'd never even think of looking at a woman with no shirt who wasn't my legal wife.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

byron,
see comment above -- BUT even if she was topless, that white thing is a nice fake fur cover that gets washed everytime i do a whites load.

i am a verrrry clean person.

other girls? what other girls -- where?

 

Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

I'd eat the corn out of her shit!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Imposter ben,

now that's just down right gross.

but if you'd like, i'll try to arrange it.

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

oh merkley, you're so crazy. potty humor, hyuck!

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

yes, but it's the thinking man's potty humor.
Tip for plastic dookie lovers:
Run it through the dishwasher once in a while- nothing looks faker than dusty poops!

 

Blogger Toms Thumb is a gaywad.

Rubber Dookie, you're my best friend?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gabs,

you love the poop.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,
i'm glad somebody around here understands how deeply intellectual this all is.

and you're right. a shiny turd is a happy turd.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thumb,

dookie likes you too.

on a related note, i'd much rather give birth to bert than ernie.

 

Anonymous Billy is a gaywad.

4 white kids, 35 toy ducks, a mandible with a girl attached and a baby mulatto walk into a bar…

 

Anonymous Billy is a gaywad.

Sorry, make that 36 toy ducks and a mug shot of an elephant...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

billy,

that's such an OLD joke. sheesh.

 

Post a Comment

May 10, 2005

Mariachi Assholes!!

Local "Light Rock, Less Talk" San Francisco TV commercial:

Woman sitting in an office cubicle says:

"Last night the cleaning crew changed the radio station. I'll put an end to that."

Then she takes a yellow post-it note which reads;

"Please leave radio tuned to 96.5 KOIT fm"

which she then smugly pastes to the dial on her piece of shit radio.

If she wasn't such a passive aggressive cunt and she said what was really on her mind, the post-it note would read;

"Hey you stupid piece of shit wetbacks who clean the office,
Your Mexican music is stupid and you don't deserve to listen to it while you clean my awesome cubicle. Even though I'm not here when you dump the maxi pads and egg salad out of my waste basket, the thought that you might be enjoying yourself listening to your stupid Mexican tuba music from your inferior culture angers me to no end. If you spics touch my radio again with your greasy little wetback hands, I'm calling immigration. My radio dial smells like beans now you fucking beaner. YOU WILL LISTEN TO CELINE DION AND YOU WILL LOVE IT COMPRENDE AMIGO?!!?? Now clean the boogers off the bottom of my desk and chair and while you're at it, sniff my chair. Smell that? Yeah EGG SALAD BITCH!!

MICHAEL BOLTON RULES!!

WHITE POWER!!!




the end


Now, since I don't have any fresh pictures of beautiful girls and I am too durned lazy to make one, here's a picture of me last year when I had the greatest mushroom cloud mullet in the history of white people.





That's all for now!
Don't get caught trying to beat Michael Bolton for awesomest hair of all time!

Your favorite illegal immigrant,
merkley???

oh, one more thing... KITTEN WAR!!

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Toms Thumb is a gaywad.

Dood, your photographs rule, I drool, more Von Ivas please.

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

this is the funniest thing i've read all day.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks thumb.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks alex.

your comment was the best comment i recieved in the last ten minutes!

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

I actually love some of the White "jazz" i have a thing for Matt Bianco with Basia. But more of a thing for men with mullets.
But I hates it when a Mariachi band saunters into a restaurant and always comes up to the table right as I'm about to deliver the punchline!!! dont you HATE that?

 

Blogger bardot is a gaywad.

oh man.

i love me some pussy.

i mean cats.

har har.

as for the mexican music- yeah!

VIVA LA SOFT ROCK WHITE PEOPLE MUSIC!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,
next time the mariachi band interrupts you, just sing along with them. it's not necessary to know the words, just sing the menu.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bardot,

you know the funny thing is, the woman in the commercial is actually some asian recipe, which of course makes her white power feelings have that much more meaning and nuance.

 

Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

Ponga algunos retratos de polluelos, no de petimetres usted homo. Soy desilusionado muy en usted otra vez mi hijo.

Sinceramente,

Su padre

 

Blogger Toms Thumb is a gaywad.

Side note- Sorry, but Grandma wants to know if I am allowed to use the euphemism, "Drivin' the skin bus into tuna town," if I am refering to an actual tuna fish?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Impostador ben,
ninguem si liga no seu movimento,

vocé nao é meu pai, voce é um bichadinha mentiroso em arizona que tem o mesmo nome do meu pai.

obrigado por seus mentiras

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thumb,

you can hump an actual tuna if you wish, but i would not recomend it. a bag of warm liver with a hole poked in it works much better.

 

Blogger bardot is a gaywad.

girlfriend in the commercial is just showing off her model minority power.

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

ha, asian nuance. sounds like an appetizer.

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

merkley, i think i just proved i don't read what you write & just make up stuff that makes sense.


like turning "asian recipe" into "asian nuance" then calling it an "appetizer."


and now i've confused myself all while trying to call you funny. im better at being mean. more concise.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

OH THAT GABY!!

 

Anonymous Billy is a gaywad.

white guilt is the new black


p.s Kill whitey!*


p.p.s Voy buscar mis esposas y mi arme de fuego.



*Just joking... I'm pretty white myself.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

My favorite Asian recipe is peanut sauce chicken at Bangkok Bay. Tasty!!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Dash,
Put some boobs on that and you nailed it.

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

Visual aides are always good. I could have done without Michael Bolton, but the picture of you was very nice.

 

Anonymous Parker Pooser is a gaywad.

Where can I to learn abt it in detail?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

learn about what in detail?

 

Post a Comment

May 09, 2005

Satan, Jesus, and a 2 lb. Booger.

I just wasn't cut out to be a bully.

But sometimes, for what ever reason, the heavens open and Jesus reaches his big gay hand down out of the sky and flicks you in the back of the head and points at you, and then points at some Booger Eater and then makes a motion that clearly says:

"Hey you, buddy, this is your job. Beat the crap out of this dork."

And no matter how much it goes against your beliefs, no matter how much you resist and try to be the good guy, you know it's true. After all, it's the stinky finger of Jesus Christ flicking the back of your head, and you don't want him sticking that boney bloody thing in your mouth or anything.

When I was 13, there was this 10 year old Booger Eater around the corner from my house who looked exactly like a skinned goat. He had some gross skin situation that made him look like a burn victim even though he wasn't. It wasn't so obvious that just anyone would notice it. Nah, it was something that only really observant people like myself could see. In fact it might be all in my head. Point is, he was ugly. Reeeeally reeeeally ugly and he always looked moist. I hate that word -- MOIST -- even thinking that word made me hate him. Fucking Moist Booger Eater.

But I could live with his ugliness, and I could live with constant damp moldiness -- but what I couldn't live with was his booger eating.

Yeah, I wasn't just calling him a Booger Eater because it's a clever way to say "nerd". Nope, this jerk, even though he was 10 years old -- ALWAYS ate his boogers, in full view, with no shame, in fact, with a lot of pride. AAAAAAAAhhhhhhrrrrgh, it still makes me angry to even think about it.

What made it worse is that I have always had this terrible problem that if I know that I have the opportunity to gross myself out and make myself want to puke, I'll probably take it. I don't want to, I can't help it. It's just the way it is.

So I would stare at this little Goat Carcass Asshole just waiting for him to do it, just waiting for him to dig in there.

My stomach would start churning as soon as I saw his stupid shiny nose twitching, he'd get his pointy little picker, insert it just so, out it would come with a gob of goo and into his disguting mouth it would go. He'd swish it around a little. Sometimes it was apparent that the sticky globs would get smeared on his tooth cause he'd rub his pukey little tongue all over it grinning with satisfaction, especially when people were looking at him. Booger eating was making him famous and he liked it. I'd sit there filling with rage and the feeling that I was going to vomit and then I'd wait for him to do it again, and he would. He was quite the showman.

I was only ever good at one video game in my life. It was called Tempest and I ruled at it. One day I was down at the arcade, minding my own business kicking ass on Tempest and suddenly, in walks Snot Skinned Booger Goat.

"Durnit, now how in thee hell am I supposed to concentrate now?"

I tried to keep my eyes on the game but I just knew he would pick a booger and eat it and that was just something I was completely unable to block out. My score plummeted. I was wasting precious quarters. Even though he wasn't picking, I was still unable to concentrate and rule as usual. I was just waiting for the gruesome show to begin. A half an hour of wasted quarters and booger munching anticipation passed. Suddenly, mid game, that little Sludgefuck Snot Sausage was standing right next to my Tempest game.

and Twitch his nose did twitch.
and Pick his finger did pick.
and Gobble his mouth did gobble.

RIGHT IN THE CORNER OF MY EYE!!

Ok that's it, I had enough, although I had never before spoken to him. I said:

"That's disgusting. Knock it off. You're making me sick. What is wrong with you?"

Fine. I wasn't so good sounding tough, my words were rather tepid by bully standards.

He didn't say anything. He just grinned. He seriously liked the attention.

"Seriously mann, it's totally gross. Don't you know that it makes everyone want to barf? You are disgusting. Stop eating your boogers mann."

Now kicking this Creepy Mucous Muncher's ass right then was the furthest thing from my mind. I didn't like even being within booger wiping distance of that little Pile Of Worms. Are you kidding me? I was trying to stay way way the fuck back from this Bag Of Cold Snot. I probably shouldn't have worried about it so much. It's highly unlikely that he would have wasted a perfectly yummy booger by wiping it on me -- but still, what if he licked me? I'd have to douse myself in battery acid and light myself on fire. Crud, maybe that's what happened to him. What if he bit me with his booger teeth and *I* turned into a Booger Eater? I'd have to kill myself.

But then, holy shit, did this really happen? I still to this day have a hard time believing that this little Booger Gobbling Runt did this next thing that I'm about to tell you. Even to me it seems like a lie, surely nobody would perform such a disgusting and vomitous act of defiance.

That little Skinned Goat Asshole, upon hearing my explicit orders, looked straight at me, grinned, raised two of his best pickers into position, inserted them into his nose like a pair of high precision forceps and with one fluid motion extracted from his disgusting nozzle a good pea sized booger with a snot tail measuring at least 3 wiggling inches. He lifted it above his head and then as if he were a baby bird slurping a vomited worm from his mothers mouth --- slurrped -- and I mean SLURRPED it up. SLUUUURRRRRPPED I tell you, with all the sound effects that created that word.


AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHGH, I feel like vomiting right now! Someone remove this image from my BRAIN!

My rage was seething. I felt light headed, I think there was a bright flash, I was blinded or blacked out for a quick second. This wasn't just Jesus' finger flicking me on the back of my head, this was Jesus' whole foot slamming me in the rectum. This was the entire War In Heaven concentrated into one SLUUUUURP. Skinned Goat Booger never looked more like Satan than he did right then. I swear I could see horns growing from his bubbly slimy Satanic skull.

As if guided by every fucking single law of natural selection, I lunged forward to naturally select this vile little Booger Eating Goat Carcass and strangle every last snot slurping booger flavored breath out of his Satanic little body.

But alas, he was Satan. He was fast.

He bolted toward the door. I gave chase. This little slug could move and his slime trail was oh so slippery. But I was determined. My anger was just.

He mounted his Satanic chariot (a.k.a. Schwinn bicycle) and I climbed aboard my white horse of justice (a.k.a. Schwinn bicycle) and the chase took off through the lower middle class streets of West Jordan Utah.

Satan is a tricky fella, he had moves, and boy could he ever pedal, jumping curbs, sliding in between cars and garbage cans. But I was no slouch, the hand of God was guiding me. I felt as if I knew all of his moves, as if this chase was the destiny and result of thousands of years of prophecy. Most of the time he was nearly in my grasp. But then wooosh, a slippery snot lubed trick and he would gain a little distance. The chase went on for ten miniutes covering at least five thousand miles of a brand new suburbia. Guns were fired. Cars were crashed. children were killed at intersections, Helicopters exploded in the sky. It seemed nothing could impede our chase.

Then, like it had been scripted by the worst (or best) hollywood screen writer: That little Greasy Vessel of Evil Mucous turned down a dead end street.

HA!

Booger Satan was fucked.

Neither one of us had dirt bikes and at the end of the dead end was a recently excavated lot upon which a Mormon church would soon be built. There were piles of wood, wire, buckets, building equipment, scrap heaps everywhere, holes had been dug, this was an obstacle course like no other. There was no way he could beat me on God's own dirt lot.

He laid down his bike and took off running. I dumped mine and followed. We were kicking up a fantastic dust storm, jumping over piles, weaving in between stacks of wood. More explosions exploded. More lasers were fired. Old people had heart attacks. Grown men pooped their pants. But Skinned Booger Devil was getting tired. Dirt was clogging his slime and turning him into snot mud. That fucker was mine.

I reached out my arm and was just about ready to grab that Satanic Boney Goopstack and banish his soul forever to Hell when:

I was halted dead in my tracks.

I couldn't move. My foot was stuck to the ground. Literally. You thought all this religious stuff was just fancy metaphor didn't you. Well fuck you. Metaphor my ass. I really was Jesus Christ and the proof was sticking out of the top of my foot. A giant rusty nail, bent just perfectly, had entered the bottom of my foot and was now mocking my fight pointing directly at my face from the exact middle of the top of my shoe, effectively nailing me to a long 2 by 4 which, I swear to you, was the bottom end of a crude cross laid out in a scrap wood pile.

Booger Satan escaped.

I was crucified.

The pain of being nailed to this cross was enormous. My foot felt as if it had been zapped with a million bolts of lightning. But that was nothing compared to the pain of the UNcrucifixtion that I was then required to endure.

I pulled my foot slowly up towards me, a slight twist was required to follow the curve of the nail. I watched as the rusty nail disappeared back into the hole in my foot. It was replaced by a growing circle of my blood. Like Jesus, I did not cry. The pain was too big to cry. I was beyond tears, it was nearly transcendant. I now understood why Jesus took his opportunity, hanging there on the cross to forgive his captors. He was delirious, stupid, out of his gourd. It's that simple. But fuck that, unlike Jesus, I didn't forgive little Hanky Licker. Fuck that dick.

I pedaled my bike home with one foot. Push down, pull up, push down, pull up. I got home, showed my mom, and we went for my first Tetanus shot. Great. I get stabbed with a nail doing the Lord's work and my reward was to be stabbed with a needle. Thanks a lot Jesus. Asshole.

So what's the moral of the story? What did I learn? Fuck if I know. I know one thing for sure, if Jesus tries to flick me on the back of my head trying to get me to do his dirty work for him again he can go fuck himself. I don't know if there is some big religious lesson or moral to be learned from this story. If there is, you'll have to make it up on your own. I'm an atheist. But even though I don't believe in Satan, I still think booger eating is Satanic. Hopefully, that kid is dead.

The End.

Now, here's a picture I took of an extremely unattractive girl. Somebody cover those ugly legs. Sheesh.




That's all for now!
Don't get caught getting caught up in any religious booger crusades!

your righteous servant,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

booger eaters are almost as annoying as organ grinders and their stupid little monkeys.

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

playing the same sick little tune over and over again.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

especially if the monkey is masturbating or eating boogers.

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

The organ grinder needs his masturbating, booger eating monkeys. That's how he collects his pay.

 

Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

Nice picture. I have nothing to add to this, hell I didn't even read what you were writing about... but I must say, nice photo!

Good job son.

 

Anonymous bryon is a gaywad.

I like your slightly-fictitious non-fiction way better than your plane ol' fictorial-fiction.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Thank you Byron.
I'm not much for fiction either. exaggerating reality is more fun. Although I wouldn't know because I NEVER EVER EVER EVER exaggerate not one single bit.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

Nice post. Great story.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

I can read this ... too many words ...

 

Blogger Toms Thumb is a gaywad.

While you are on the subject of booger eaters and bullies...Let me say I am not a warrior, I'm a worrier. I try to worry about the right things. Right now I'm worried about,"Where'd all the good Iraqis go?" I mean we are over there "democratizin" Iraqis, but the only ones I ever hear about are the ones that just blew up. Some guy at work says this means they are all bad. "To much clorine in the gene pool," he says. He thinks we should deal with them like Truman did one of our old enemies. I call this "Bobs Policy of Glasifacation", because, after all, sand (silica) turns to glass at well below the 50,000 degrees generated by one of our 20 megaton passifiers. He thinks finding new oil sources will be easier when you can just look thru the glass and see the oil. This should be good for the current administration after they leave office because I think they are in the oil business. Which brings me to my point- Can you really be an effective bully when you eat boogers and wet the bed in the Presedential Emergency Facility (bunker) connected to the White House?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

All right then tom's thumb. I already read that comment on your own blog and it has absolutely nothing to do with the booger story.

you get a D.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

digiCat,
Thanks dude.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Dash,
Tell me about it. that was a whole bunch of typing. Perhaps i'll make an audio post for those of us with ADD.

 

Blogger Toms Thumb is a gaywad.

You are right to call me for using old stuff. Sorry. But it was in the news last week about W being wisked away to the PEF after a "formation over a controlled air space" was picked up on radar. Turned out to be a flock of seagulls. I can't remember who told me about him eating boogers and wetting the bed. But I bet when you are President you have so much power, if you are a booger eater, you can also eat other peoples boogers. Which is a very digusting thought about our President.

 

Anonymous buttergun is a gaywad.

Tempest and Tron high scorer Hillside Plaza Safeway on and off '84-'85.

I got a spanking if I even said the word snot let alone ate a booger. Nice story, I love a happy ending or one involving a crucifixion either way.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

merkley, your replies to comments are my new favorite part of your blog. except you keep grading people based on their comments and that worries me.

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

fuck i keep doing that. whatever. also, your story was kind of boring and long, like an essay. i like long stories cut up with pictures. unless that hipstergirl butt belongs to the booger eater, in which case, this post rules.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks buttergun. I have been to that safeway.

fucking Tron. never did excel at that one.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
your first commet gets a B-

the second one was painful to my ears, that nasally whiney tone is not good for an old man like me. you should get a job as an alarm clock or a fire alarm or maybe just a buzzer on a game show for when people get the wrong answer.

you have a gift.

it's all soooooo very pleasant.

 

Anonymous Billy is a gaywad.

Ha ha ha! Weirdos / derelicts = fine and noble men in my book. Being ‘Au-naturale vile’ is a splendid quality.

The only thing I love more than filthy little creeps, is hating pseudo-weirdos.

Fucking contrived zanyness.

One day I’d like to put chivalry and race relations aside, just for long enough to punch Yoko Ono in the face.



Hey Merkley??? Do you do requests??? How about a poem called ‘Punching Yoko Ono in the face’

 

Blogger bardot is a gaywad.

i have post nasal drip.

does that mean i eat boogers???

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

hey billy,
if it wasn't for these "weirdos/derelicts" -- what the fuck would i write about? i like'em too i suppose.

YOKO ONO. definitely a punchline. i'll see what i can do.

btw, i signed the petetion.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

BARDOT!

Fancy meeting you here.

post nasal drip = snot drinking.

that is far more acceptable. Come back often and see how rarely funny i can be.

 

Anonymous Billy is a gaywad.

ha ha! Good man, you did a good thing.

p.s she is my favourite of your wench portraits to date, not that I have dated any of them, but when I said 'to date' I should have said 'thus far' to save all this confusion.

 

Blogger Toms Thumb is a gaywad.

The most Infamous Booger Eater ever? Thats right, Hitler. I don't know if it's true or not, that he collected and canned the boogers of his victims, as I have never seen canned boogers. But, if my research is correct, if you have no top lip, you have a 78% greater chance of being a booger eater. When you see someone with no top lip, watch them.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Bardot is hot! ???, Take a picture of her for me, and then do some of the fancy photo shit you do.

It took me three days to read this post, but I finally did it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thumb,
i can believe that about hitler.
thin lips = good scraping.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,
no kidding about bardot,
and, get this -- she is a scientist. no joke.

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

I don't know why you'd listen to Jesus when he flicked you in the head, since you don't fuckin' believe in jesus anyway.

Neither do I, now.

Guess I'll get banned again.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

If you think that's ugly, good look on ever finding a girlfriend, cos you got hella high standards brah. She's fine

 

Post a Comment

May 06, 2005

Could It Really Be This Easy? I'm Asking.

AIM IM with QualifiedWoman (name changed to protect the beautiful)

9:30 a.m.

merkley???: wanna have kids?

30 second pause

merkley???: i'll take that as a yes.
merkley???: when should we start?
QualifiedWoman: yes... can we have 5?
merkley???: as many as you like.
QualifiedWoman: 3 boys and two girls.
merkley???: fine
merkley???: done
merkley???: when are you ovulating next?
QualifiedWoman: perfect
QualifiedWoman: two weeks
merkley???: ok
merkley???: where shall we meet?
QualifiedWoman: hmmmm
merkley???: where is the best place to conceive?
QualifiedWoman: salt lake... that is where i was conceived... u???
merkley???: me too
merkley???: hmmn
merkley???: weird
merkley???: i didn't know you were conceived there
merkley???: i was born in canada though
QualifiedWoman: yep... at my grandma's house
merkley???: eeewwww thats creepy
QualifiedWoman: I was born in santa monica
QualifiedWoman: I know... but it is the same house my mom grew up in
merkley???: your parents did it at grandmas?
QualifiedWoman: yuck I know.
QualifiedWoman: they did it in her room
QualifiedWoman: grosssssss
merkley???: boy or girl first?
merkley???: let's stay focused
QualifiedWoman: girl.
merkley???: can you control that?
QualifiedWoman: then three boys
QualifiedWoman: and then the other girl
merkley???: girl as the oldest?
merkley???: hmmn
merkley???: that's fine
merkley???: you choose all of that stuff
merkley???: that's your job
QualifiedWoman: nice
merkley???: do you have names picked out?
QualifiedWoman: yes... lucy, spencer, alicia,
merkley???: two more for dudes...
QualifiedWoman: I do not think they match
QualifiedWoman: homer
QualifiedWoman: and..
merkley???: homer is funny
merkley???: i'm for it
QualifiedWoman: homer is great
merkley???: especially because of simpson
QualifiedWoman: and bart
merkley???: do you have to break up with anyone?
merkley???: or can we just get started?
merkley???: i can inform them if you desire.

30 second pause

merkley???: i'll take that as meaning that you are single and ready to go.
merkley???: should we inform our parents of our intentions?
merkley???: or shoud we surprise them?

30 second pause

merkley???: don't go changing your mind now,
merkley???: we are on the right track here.
QualifiedWoman: let's surprise everyone.
merkley???: ok
QualifiedWoman: and not tell them until I am showing.
QualifiedWoman: so for a while they will just think I am fat.
merkley???: i will start saving sperm.
merkley???: that way -- when it comes time,
merkley???: we can overload and strike gold right off the bat.
merkley???: although i am extreeeeemly fertile.
merkley???: my sperm can crawl across the street.
QualifiedWoman: ha
QualifiedWoman: gross visual
merkley???: tough little bastards
merkley???: they are very cute
merkley???: all of them are very cheery
QualifiedWoman: Ok. need to get to work
QualifiedWoman: let's talk later
merkley???: ok
QualifiedWoman: adios
QualifiedWoman: daddy
merkley???: put it on the calendar
merkley???: bye

Now here is a picture I took of that very same qualified woman. Her name is Jen and she has been my partner in crime in cities all over the United States of America.





Actual funny things coming SOON -- I swear on my dog's eight boobies.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught snooping in a hot chicks medicine cabinet for pregnancy tests!

Your favorite sperm machine,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

Three little merkleys??? and two little merkettes???

Yikes.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

egads

is more like it.

 

Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

You're a pimp.... on the internet, that is.

I thought I raised you better than that my son. I remember for your 16th birthday, I wanted to make a man out of you, so I bought you a BJ from a local street whore. I remember the happy look on your face, I will never forget that.. that was the day you became a man.

Good luck with this internet dating thing, I'm sure that will work out nicely.

Sincerely,

Ben

P.S. Sorry that the hooker turned out to be a guy. I should have guessed it though, what with that beard and adam's apple and all.... but I just couldn't turn down a $5 BJ!

 

Anonymous gabrielle is a gaywad.

merkley,
if you want kids, it'd be way cooler if you had a whole mess of them & started a little baby army.

then make them start a war with monaco. that'd be so killer--hahah A PUN.

 

Blogger Toms Thumb is a gaywad.

In answer to your question, simply put, no. Why not you ask? Because we live in a complicated world. Take today for instance- I'm on my way to work, and I'm behind schedule. Then I start to sense a pattern in the traffic lights. They somehow know I'm coming and are green until I get there, then quickly go red and stay that way for a couple minutes. For no reason. There are no other cars on the road, its 5:00 am. Its a traffic light conspiracy. I go thru 47 traffic lights on my way to work, I'm behind schedule and now I have to deal with this. So, I'm sitting at the 32nd red light in a row and I doze off. A large fart awakens me. And I think I hear what this fart is saying,"Wake up the light is green." The first thing I do is cuss the monkey balls I had for dinner, bad monkey balls, bad smell. But then I see this could be a good thing. If I could get my trucks computer to learn this new fart talking code I could maybe sneak in under the traffic lights radar when I'm behind schedule. The lights won't know I'm coming if my trucks computer is speaking in N. American Fart Code, right? Sorry for being excessive, but like I said,"We live in a complicated world."

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

tom dumont,,
You rule.

ya fag!

 

Blogger Toms Thumb is a gaywad.

Merkley, If your last comment was in reference to my earlier post, thank you. I do not wish to correct you or change you in any way. But I have met Tom Dumont and I am no Tom Dumont. Sorry for the confusion, next time I see you the Monkey Balls are on me. Does Slims serve them yet?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Tom's thumb,
I stand corrected. while my pal dumont does in fact rule, i would hate to wrongly attribute your comment to him. --- the link goes to tom's and ted's site.

so -- thank you for clearing that up, and thank you for your etertaining comment.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
fighting babies, i'm for it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

imposter ben,
ha! wrong again! my first blow job was only a few months ago and it wasnt a hooker, it was a carnival worker!

you weren't even close.

 

Anonymous Billy Bunks is a gaywad.

On a vaguely related note: The ghosts of dead grandmothers have been known to sit on the foots of mens beds when they masturbate.

They see your come face and they watch you when you wipe it up with a sock.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

I think I'm in love with meanbn 'ol Billy, listed in gramma-wanker comment above. Where you live at?

Homer is the said to have written the Illiad and the Oddessy. But dont believe it, besides, the cartoon version is much better. Homer Simpson is a character in the amazing book, Day of the Locust by Nathanial West.

Merkley, why you had to tell about the crawling sperm? If I, god forbid, ever have a baby, I'm naming it Potemkin.

 

Anonymous Billy Bunks is a gaywad.

And ‘Nathanial West’ is in turn, a character in the amazing motion picture ‘Cum Splatter Orgy 4’.

True story: As I wrote that lie about Nathaniel West, a very fat lady rode past my window on a bicycle and the only way it could possibly have looked any funnier is if her bicycle was a Penny-Farthing.
Note: If she spent less time eating and more time studying road safety she would have been wearing a helmet.

I consider sights like that just another benefit of living in what is apparently the ‘World’s most liveable city’.

(insert dramatic Orchestra music here, then fade to silent / black)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

hey bridget,
since he won't say, it seems Mr. Billy Bunks is from Melbourne Australia and is heralded in some circles as one of Australia's premeire freestyle rappers, part of the apparently notorious "Hired Goons" squad.

If his clever remarks here are any indication, it's is certainly no surprise. Man can turn a phrase.

Ahh google,

sir bunks, how about linking us to some of your music

anyway, gotta run, i got a show to do for grandma.

 

Anonymous Billy is a gaywad.

Right now, I am both mortified and aroused.

 

Post a Comment

May 05, 2005

The Worst Birth Defect Of All Time...

Would be:
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
can I get a drum roll?

v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
Taste buds in your butthole!!

Now here is a picture I took of my friends Von Iva in all their sweaty post show euphoria at Slims a few weeks ago.




That's all for now!
Dont get caught with your finger in your butt checking your butthole for the tongue that makes the fart sound when you fart. I don't care if you are only 5 and you really believe there is an actual tongue and you swear you can feel it because of the warm vibrating air that actually does feel a little bit like a wet tongue popping out and making the sound... John, my little brother.

Your number one salad tossing amigo,
merkley???

I promise I'll write something good and have more pictures of delicious ladies soon.
As for now -- take the bible poop quiz.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

Sweaty band chicks rule. Keep up the good work and I'll have 12 midgets perform at your next birthday.... free of charge.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

Hey, thanks for the link merkley???

You might be pretty cool after all. In spite of that audio post.

Fag.

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

I might be a dick, but i'm glad to hear I'm not a homo.

Loved the bible quiz. Being the pious cow that I am, I of course made a 100.

I love your photos.

 

Anonymous Billy Bunks is a gaywad.

Chicks in bands are okay as long as they are hot. I wouldn't listen to them sing though, they sound to 'naggy'.

The worst living thing on earth is a female Comedian.

Name a funny one and I'll french kiss Michael Moores arse while he's wearing nothing but a straw hat and a hand towel draped over his shoulders.

p.s
I imagine testicles on the soles of your feet would be a painful birth defect also.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ben the imposter,
birthday is JUNE 13th -- have the midgets shipped to my house. i prefer UPS to FED EX

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Digicat,
You're Welcome you old queen. Yeah, sorry about that audio post. I promise to only do it like every day.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

MNM,
Pious has nothing to do with your high score. Everybody knows about your poo fascination.

Congrats! and thanks.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Sir Bunks,
Two good female comedians
1. our very own Bridget Schwartz.
2. Sarah Silverman.

Do you need Michael Moore's number?

and HA! you can avoid walking on foot testes -- but how are you gonna not poop? -- and seriously, taking it up the hoohee from a thai drag queen every now and then is completely unavoidable.

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

i got a four on the poop bible quiz. that makes me sad. all that jew stuff for nothing.

im shocked though that you still count birthdays at your, um, "advanced" age. impressive.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

thanks Merkley. I have to agree with poor ol' Billy in general, we are sad sad lot. I like to think of myself as a funny poet.

Sarah and I will have to give you a tit sandwich for that...

 

Post a Comment

May 03, 2005

Audio blogging from inside my rectum!!

That's right!! An audio blog! All I had to do was call in and make up some juvenile bullshit about rectums and chopping off weenies. I think I might start doing this a lot! Too bad for all you workers who can't listen to stuff about poop and farts at work. Too bad indeed.

this is an audio post - click to play

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous gaby oops. is a gaywad.

DAMMIT i dont like blogger.

"So I won your prize, because I saw that post before it had a title OR clever banter.

What should I do? I don't have a dick to hack off and send to you.."



I don't like strrrrannnggge people reading my iiinnnternet writing. Which is ironic. I should buy a journal.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
dick is just a metaphor for all of your worries. I'm trying to run a respectable cult over here, i need you to be a little more tuned into the spiritual vibe. these are like parables mannn, hook up your souls people.

THE END IS NEAR!

As for the idea about the journal? I reccomend just keeping it all bottled up and unleashing on homeless people every few months.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Merkely??? will save us all!

 

Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

Two blog entries in a row without a nice picture of some sultry chica... what is this world coming to? Again, very disappointed in you my son.

Not as disappointed as that time I took you to Disneyland and you went on that ride "splash mountain". I still remember now, the humiliation you brought this family when we all looked up on the big screen to see what we hoped to be a lovely photo of you enjoying the ride, but instead just saw the top of your head while you were going down on that old guy. Now THAT was disappointing, but this is right up there.

Ben

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

cant hear it, not allowed to have audio on my computer anymore---(a Guar-related incident, dont ask)
maybe you can do a pictogram?

I really want to know what is stewing in that Merkley brain of yours.

 

Anonymous Deleted is a gaywad.

Merkley, I think I'll skip this assignment.

 

Anonymous buttergun is a gaywad.

Damn, link isn't working for me. I imagine you sound like Isaac Hayes right? Just as long as you don't sound like any of the brethren speaking from the podium at general conference, they get me all hot and sticky and I can't stand the guilt.

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

I guess poor Dashiell wasn't on the distribution list. =(

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,
i like your attitude. that's what we need. team spirit.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

imposter ben,
HA! when we went to disneyland we only wnet on the spinning teacup ride -- ALL DAY!!

spinning is FUUUUUN!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,
just imagine isaac hayes. buttergun got it right. it's pure romance.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

mnm,
wanna battle for dash's soul?

i'll meet you on the playground, three o'clock high.

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

Merkley, I hate it when you make me laugh.

 

Anonymous William Bunkton is a gaywad.

I wish I didn't listen to that, now I imagine everything I read on this site in THAT voice.

Its knocked off 80% of the funnyness of those splendid jokes and has completely raped the booger storey in the arse with a burning pine cone.

ha ha, it was pretty funny tho, especially the sprinkle it on a fag bit.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

mr. bunk
sorry i dont sound like isaac hayes

but hey, smurfs sound cool too right?

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

I don't get it ... what are you two (??? & MNM) doing to me? Stop it! That hurts!

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

I guess when you've used up all the pieces of your own dick, you have to use other peoples.

Do you think the fags appreciate it?

 

Post a Comment

May 01, 2005

apogee mag interview


s if you don't get enough of my bullshit already, here is an interview conducted by the lovely Heather Bowden at apogeemag.com.

If I come across like an asshole, well, maybe it's because I'm the nicest sweetest man alive and I just hide it becuse one can't live life on the verge of tears and emotional destruction.

See how I just made you feel guilty for judging me as an asshole? See how I turned that back around on you? Yeah, I'm an asshole. That doesn't mean that you aren't an asshole if you don't look past it and love me anyway. YOU MUST LOVE ME! DO NOT RESIST!

Now loosen up that dress and let's take some sexy pictures.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught pretending you're not an asshole!

Your favorite ham sandwich,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

I'd rather poke my eyes out with a jadded pickle fork than read that long interview.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Merkley??? Is that picture really you. Goddamnit ... I think I just wet myself.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ben,
me too...
words words words POOP ha ha, words words...

I know you only come because of your last name and sultry chicks and that's perfectly ok.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,
when my mom was single back in the 70's she used to date a world famous hypnotist named Reveen, turns out, kids want to be like dudes mom dated rather than dear old dad.

In my regular life, I still look a bit like a cult leader -- just a smiling cult leader. more vegas magician, less hypnotist.

I'll send fresh pants.

 

Anonymous lani is a gaywad.

um.
dude.
semantics?
you are the last guy i know who would use such a pompous argumentative tactic.
your candid approach is refreshing and effervescent, like efferdent- you keep the world's teeth clean of bullshit.
gnaw on that one.

 

Anonymous merkley??? is a gaywad.

lani,
thank you for noticing that. i didn't think it was about semantics either.

 

Blogger amanwithanenormouspeniswhojustwantstobeloved is a gaywad.

yo merk i so sorry i post veddy veddy soon otay

 

Anonymous merkley??? is a gaywad.

enormous penis,
I hope you do! you're one of the best.

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

Merkley, in your photo...are those horns?

You know, I should wear my glasses more often.

I always thought the title of your blog was "I may not be good, but at least I'm real."

damn.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

mary,
horns? wow, could be, i thought two big pimples were festering. you may be right.

yeah, i was wondering why you put up with me, generally the christians don't care much for my kind. i just figured that you were either super cool or were trying to convert me, turs out you're just blind.

i like blind christians. seriously, i do.

at any rate, we are proof that satan and jesus can still be pals. i always thought they should make up and get along. eternity is too short for bickering.

thanks for stopping by!

 

Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

You know, when you changed the number of comments title to "... fags give a shit" and you're the most frequent poster in the comments... well, that makes you head fag. I thought I raised you better than that son.

Don't be such a fag son.

 

Anonymous gaby k is a gaywad.

Boring interview. Writing about art is boring. Boy, that paper I wrote was pretty boring too.

And a realization! Art school is a SCAM. Communists are making MONEY.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

IMPOSTER ben,

yes -- i am 6 times the fag you will EVER be.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
i agree. art talk is snoresville. but i liked your paper. i like anything about ME!

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!!

 

Anonymous buttergun is a gaywad.

"yes I am excited about the whole Middle East thing." What a whack job.

"i agree. art talk is snoresville." Now poop and zits, you can really dig your teeth into that.

Microwave culture is only good for popcorn and blowing shit up.

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

when you upload your soul to the internet, i'm going to bootleg it and it put it on napster for free.

 

Post a Comment

 

Blogger Kicks Ass!!