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June 30, 2005

Glue Factory Bob & Dog Food Dale

Glue Factory Bob and his brother Dog Food Dale are associates of mine. I can vouch for their collective hatred of horses. I once saw Glue Factory Bob disembowl a white horse with a spoon. He threw the guts at me, and although they were stinky and warm and the whole thing made me vomit, I have to admit, it was pretty funny, They are always doing shit like that.

Before you get all judgemental on Bob or Dale, they really do work in their stated professions. go lick a stamp to taste some of Bob's best work. Ask your dog how he feels about Dale.

But for the record, I do not agree with them or the things they write on their somewhat amusing horse hating blog, but because they are awesome human beings and they make me laugh as they say the most hilarious things as they beat the fuck out of the horses they encounter, I will side with them NOT YOU!!

I don't know where they live so don't ask.

That's all for now.

Don't get caught not laughing just because some stupid creature (no matter how cute) gets his guts ripped out.

Your brother in hating horses,

merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Glue Factory Bob is a gaywad.

thanks for the link dickhead.

we linked you back.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

you're welcome dickhead

you are the biggest asshole and waste of meat i ever met.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Who knew that horses could be so sticky?

 

Blogger .Ophelia. is a gaywad.

I have seen you around...and this is the first time Ive ever seen your place. *looks around* mind if I link you?

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

1. Pick something completely arbitrary as your subject matter, eg ninjas, horses or David Hasselhoff.

2. Take an extreme and entirely unwarrented stance about your chosen subject. Either extreme love or extreme hatred works best.

3. Write an enourmous volume of material (maintaining the tone of your chosen stance) in a slightly child-like and illiterate fashion.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Well done, Anonymous! You've cracked the Code of the Internet! Bravo!

btw, i apologize for my jackassery this week.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ophelia,

mind? i insist,

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

anonymous,

so what are you trying to say? i'm a genius?

sheesh.

tell me something i don't know.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,

not only do you not need to apologize for jackassery, i think you deserve to be commended. i can't be the only jack ass. it makes me insecure.

 

Blogger Krista is a gaywad.

weird.
How far can a horsehating blog really go?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

krista,

well, it CAN go much farther.

I think the question is how far SHOULD it go.

personally i would say oh -- maybe one third less reading would have been sufficient.

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

i think cows and horses should breed and make a corse, which would curse and spit and generally behave in an ill-raised manner.


thank you.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Anonymous said...
1. Pick something completely arbitrary as your subject matter, eg ninjas, horses or David Hasselhoff.

2. Take an extreme and entirely unwarrented stance about your chosen subject. Either extreme love or extreme hatred works best.

3. Write an enourmous volume of material (maintaining the tone of your chosen stance) in a slightly child-like and illiterate fashion.



I liked this post. I really did.


But when you are on your deathbead, like I am... you like anything.

Even farts.


But seriously, I did like that post.

 

Post a Comment

Plodmotstatical.

It's fun to put exclamation points after the word LAZY!!

Anyway, I am so LAZY!!!! that I am just going to use a comment I made on Bridget's blog as my actual blog post. If you don't like it. Suck on a turd.

Her post was called "Bad Words Nobody Knows" and this was my comment.

Here is a bad word nobody knows:

Plodmotstatical.

So few people know that word that even I don't know that word and I'm the one who just made it up.

Well I guess I know it now, especially if I read it again.

Ok I just read it again.

Although the chances I will remember in the future are pretty low, since its not very easy to say. I should have taken more time to make up a good word that would roll off the tongue like the word "BUTTER" for example. But I was too excited to get to this part of my comment, which is this part that I am typing right now.

also, if I was smart I would have given my word some type of definition, that is usually one of the best ways to keep a word around and make it popular. I suppose its nice to just have a word that means absolutely nothing.

I'm not sure how you would use a word like "plodmotstatical" in everyday language. Most likely we have already witnessed that word at the top of its game.

Wow.

Ouch.

And it was just born too. Nothing to look forward to, all it's best moments behind it. Born only to die on a little comment on a little post on a little blog on the huge, enormous, porny, internet.

Nobody is ever gonna google "plodmotstatical". But then again, who would have thought that the word "google" would get so huge?

Still, more than likely nobody is ever gonna say:

"Hmmmm now what's the word I'm looking for? (snaps fingers five times because that helps humans remember things) --- oh yeah, PLODMOTSTATICAL! -- that's it! Now what was I saying?"

The really sad part is that I invented that word and in the last paragraph even I, the word's own creator, had to scroll up to remember what it was, even as I was making the point that somebody else would have a hard time remembering what it was.

That word truly is fucked.

Now I'm bummed out. This whole comment, on that word, that I made up, that nobody knows, has made me realize my own insignificance in the whole scheme of things. I feel like NOTHING really means anything and that there is really no point to ANYTHING.

I think I feel , ohh --- I don't know --- there aren't really any words to describe how I am feeling..

Heeeeeyyyyyy, wait a minute --- looky there...

I think I am definitely feeling PLODMOTSTATICAL!!. Because I feel like I have no meaning and that word has no meaning which makes it an appropriate word to describe how I feel.

Crap.

But now that means that it has a meaning which means I can't use it to relate the idea of not having meaning.

I have a terrible headache now.

I'm gonna take a nap.



You know, that arm zit is right. You can learn a lot from an arm zit if you just listen.

Thank you arm zit. Thank you very much.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught reposting stupid comments you made on somebody else's blog as an excuse not to write something interesting!
Your LAZY FUCKING GOD DAMNED LAZY LAZER,
merkley???

(Best part is, when I was doing spell check, when it came to "plodmotstatical" it had no suggestions and asked me if it should "learn the word". HELL FUCKING YES LEARN THE WORD! Even better was later on in the post I had it spelled wrong and spell check REBUKED ME!!)

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

The active ingredient in most antiperspirant/deodorants is aluminum zirconium. This is the stuff that keeps you from sweating, and pretty much every deodorant on the market has it in some form. (Men's deodorants anyway. I don't know what the womens use. Probably some sort of magical pixie dust that is left over when unicorns make love and leaves the ladies smelling like a beautiful garden after a fresh spring rain. That's just a guess.)

Recently, I discovered this fact and the fact that while all antiperspirants have aluminum zirconium, they don't all have it in the same proportion. It can be anywhere from 14 to 18% of the solution. I discovered this because I had purchased an antiperspirant that was not getting the job done. I kept getting those annoying little beads of cold sweat that run down my side, even when sitting in an air-conditioned room. So when I went to buy more I checked out the brands and noticed the different levels of this miracle ingredient and that my particular brand was lacking.

Now, here's my question. If aluminum zirconium stops you from sweating, and the makers of these products know this, why wouldn't you put as much of this stuff as possible in your product, thereby making it as effective as possible, thereby making your product the best? Isn't that just common sense? Each brand has it's own special formula of ingredients, but they all have the same active ingredient, which is all that really matters. That's why it's called the "active" ingredient, not the "shit that doesn't do anything." So what gives? It can't be a cost issue, because the brand I found that had the most AZ, wasn't the most expensive. So why do these companies knowingly put out a sub-standard product? It boggles the mind.

The brand I found that had the most aluminum zirconium? Old Spice High Endurance. So guess what? I bought it and it works great. Best deodorant I've ever used. All those other brands can suck on it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,
I believe your comment was exactly right on topic and i thank you for your insights regarding the problems listed throughout my long post.

oh yeah, deodorant is for pussies and queers and girls you homo.

 

Anonymous choc-full-o-nutty-nuts is a gaywad.

I once knew a man named Count Vladsky
Who was charming, and funny and badsky,
I stuck out my tongue
And ended our fun
But I hope he won’t always stay madsky.

 

Anonymous choc-full-o-nutty-nuts is a gaywad.

I didn't make up any bad words, but I did make up that really bad limerick.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

paula,

vladski ain't never been mad at nobody.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

I really like the exclamation points after "LAZY!!". It's very oxymoronic. (get it? Oxy as in OxyClear the shit that cures acne and moronic as in well, um, you know...)

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

dashiell, I warned you of the crunchy armpits...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

now why would i go and include a photo on my own blog that when i look at it, it makes me want to barf?

what the hell is wrong with me?

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought posting your own blog posts in someone else's comments section was the cool thing to do now. My bad.

And yes, my arm pits are now crusty. From now on I will clear all personal hygenine decisions through Wendy. I'm so stupid!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Dash,

NO -- YOU ARE RIGHT!! IT IS THE LATEST FASHION!!

I'm so glad you picked up on the subtleness hidden under all the hilarity of my fake word post.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

I already told Dashiell about the state of my pits.
my word is "Yowmhay" its from the Chico State secret langauge from the 1980's (again with the 80's)

it means letting off steam, sexually or alcoholically. as in "I really got my youmhays off at the frat party"

 

Anonymous Kevin is a gaywad.

Plodmotstatical.

Did you happen to pick this word apart or really figure out the seperate meaning of it's parts?

Plod- to work laboriously without much headway.

Mot- A witty or clever word or saying

Static- unmoving (adding the -al makes it static like)

Therefore, the definition that you made up clearly makes sense,

A clever word (mot) that will likely go nowhere (static) and makes you wonder if everything you do takes you nowhere and therefore; makes you ponder the meaning of your existence. (plod)

Poo, pee, poo-pee, poo and pee, poo pee do do, do pee, do poo, Zip-a-dee-do-dah. Poo on a Stick!

Ok, I just added the above silliness to add levity to this very serious situation.

Kevin

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

oxymoron with zits -- nice.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget.

are you making up words? becuase thats what we do over here. we make up words to sound weird and smart. who has time to actually be weird and smart.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

kevin,

thank you for pointing out that i am a genius completely on accident.

i wonder how many other genius things i do completely on accident.

i better stop flushing the toilet just in case.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

If 'Plodmotstatical' was a little less 'wordy' and a bit more 'oceany', you could drown in it.

 

Post a Comment

June 26, 2005

Happy Fag Day!!

For all my homo friends (and I have at least one (I think)), but this is not to them but anyone and everyone who is so in the dark that they can't see their hand (job) in front of their face:

If you can't understand that boners and buzzing hoo haws will happen with or without your approval;
FUCK OFF!!
And if you don't understand that;
FUCK OFF TWICE!!
I'm as straight as a curvy penis but I couldn't be more serious, and I couldn't be more full of shit -- --- I mean love, no. SHIT --- ha ha ha SHIT!! Actually, I am filled with MEAT AND BONES AND BLOOD AND POOP AND BILE!!! YAY! YOU TOO!! WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON!!

But I'm not saying I have a boner or anything because I definitely don't. Well I didn't when I started typing that sentence anyway, I don't really have one now either, but you know how when you start talking about getting a boner you sometimes kinda do get a boner? Yeah, well that's kinda what it was like, it wasn't sexual or anything. Look you people are starting to make me uncomfortable. Seriously, Stop thinking about my genitals. It's creeping me out.

Left: Elvis Presley Right: Some useless Gay Homo Fag.
Awwwe, how precious, two stars wearing stripes. It's like 1776 all over again. Where is my wig? BETSY!! Put on some disco, take off your shirt and get over here and star spangle my boner!

People, seriously, time to grow up!! Stop thinkng about my privates. We're not even married.

As every single person who reads this piece of shit blog sighs "duh".

EGADS!

Holy Dykes! That's all for now!

Don't get caught giving your handsome pool boy/girl/transgenderish/whatchamacollie a hand job (or rubber hose job) as you talk shit on the gays!!

Your Master of Preaching The Obvious,

merkley???

Now go hug a FAG!! Or at least beat one up!

Look, let's just get one thing straight, (get it?)I live in San Francisco. I'm gonna be talking about the gays.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

dood,
nobody cares about fag day ya dumb homo! Shut up and write something funny.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

you're right. poor homos.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

Fag Day, Fag Day, Crazy, Colorful Fag Day.
Fag Day, Fag Day Eat Them Up Yum!

Reading this made me think of the fish heads song...I don't know why. But it did.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

Merkley and I went out for slabs of meat to celebrate how ungay we are.
too bad we couldnt prove our ungayness in an un-gay way..
huh?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

somebody said there was a problem with posting comments. lets just see about that with this little test.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

did we or did we not have a completely hetro homo day?
merkley? Dave? Buddy?
I feel so lost, why won't you answer?

speak to me

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

funky,

funny, everytime i hear the fisheads song i thing of lesbians.

weeeeeiiiird.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,

slab of meat? slab of meat? is that what you call that thing you were doing to me with that beef tounge?

it's really not that creative. you can come up with a better name for it than that.

that shit could blow up and get HUGE!

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

I don't trust fags. Anyone who doesn't like vagina is sick and twisted.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

I'm able to post! What did I miss? Oh yeah, are all lesbians boobs that ugly? (whew, I've been wanting to get that off my chest)

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

Uh, thanks, Wendy. This is a picture of me and my sorority sisters celebrating fag day here in Texas. I'm the third dyke from the left. Merkley swore he wouldn't post this on the internet.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

no, definitely not. lot's of lesbians have terrific boobs, unfortunately just not the ones in the gay parade. also, some lesbians have penises for boobs and some have testicles for boobs and some have cancer for boobs.

but we don't talk about cancer because it's tooooo funny and i'll never be able to stop giggling.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

paula,

i thought you said "please post this picture of me on the internet blog"

whatever, damage is done.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

'two stars wearing stripes. It's like 1776 all over again'

ha ha ha!

also, I still can’t post on your blog. I don’t even know how you are reading this because it didn’t get through at all.

and as for gays... as long as they don’t get all cry baby when I make fun of them like I do to absolutely everyone else I welcome them with open arms. (if they are men, the lebanese ones just spit in my eye and kick me with boots and call me 10 rapists in one)

 

Blogger Krista is a gaywad.

Your blog is all sorts of amusing!!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Dash,

Vaginas are terrific things.

I admit that i a'm rather suspicious of anyone who does not enjoy them.

It's like not liking --- umm --- a soft cat or ummm a pastrami sandwich or ummm a warm peach or ummmm a stinky hole or ummmm a warm bag of liver with a hole punched in it or ummm a warm breeze on your leg in the middle of the night or ummm an oily face thumpin you in the nuts or ummm a hard prickly ball of goose meat with a bomb in it that blows up and mutilates your right hand when you think about fish (which is really bad because you are right handed and you masturbate with that hand while thinking about fish and now what the fuck are you supposed to do? THAT FUCKING GOOSE MEAT!!! NEVER TRUST GOOSE MEAT....

wait... what were we talking about?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Krista,

Thanks!

I'm sorta amused by all the sorts of amusing too -- sorta.

 

Blogger Krista is a gaywad.

you should be, you made it and its sorts.

 

Anonymous Sue is a gaywad.

I want photos of that protester freak with the saline filled scrotom! Did I spell scrotom right? He runs around with some alf looking guy. You know who I mean?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

sue,
my friend alex blagg has a picture and little post about all that nuttsack tom foolery right here

 

Anonymous Sue is a gaywad.

that is the best thing EVER in the whole history of the fucking world!!

I love the nutsack grandpa!!

I'm coming to SF just to see him.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

sue,

well, when you get here and track the old fella down, let me know. i'd like to poke that little cornish game hen with a sharp piece of wire or a letter opener or something.

 

Anonymous Kevin G is a gaywad.

Yes, this is your old friend Kevin. You may use me as back up on your porta-potty drama. After all, I was a witness at your trial, I'm more than willing to be your witness now.

The only reason I drop by your blog now and then is to see if you've come "out" yet. Other than that, you can eat Chico's poo for all I care.

What about the marshmallow story, have you ever written that one up? That one almost got us both arrested!

Love-Kevin

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

"I'm as straight as a curvy penis."

Haha Hahaha Hahahaha Hahahahahahahahahahahahaa...

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

I hugged a friggin Gay and now I have a sexual harrasment suit filed against me. I guess I shouldn't have taken him from behind and said 'My little Merkley wants me to hug you!'

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

KEVIN!

Great. Those stories are forth coming. I could have an entire separate blog dedicated in whole to the shenanigans of which you were part.

I know you aren't much of a bandwagoneer, but holy shit. how enjoyable would i find a blog by KEVIN G? (and i with hold his last name only because i know he has some fine googling relatives who would be a bit dismayed to land here..)

never in my life have i met a person with as many great stories as you.

you must jot them down for the general welfare of all mankind, . -- or fuck, of all people, you need a VIDEO blog. how else are you gonna tell the story of the worlds worst mime?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Snakehead,

So are you a snakes head or a head made out of snakes?

i don't want to be turning into no pillar of no god damned salt,

ha ha -- i said PILLAR.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Satan,

the gay probably thought you said that your MERKIN wanted you to hug him, MERKIN meaning a pubic hair wig (no joke, look it up)

at any rate, that's one uptight gay!

ha ha -- i said TIGHT and UP.

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

I'm Medusa's brother. I turn people into stone. I was not featured in all those crappy fables because I was, and still is, too freaking awesome.

You may now bow before me.

Just don't look at my eyes.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

snakey
i wouldnt know where to bow. my eyes are firmly shut. but watch out. i am swinging this bat like a mad man.

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

If you think a bat swung by a mad man can take me down, you're a FOOL!

Silly mortal human.

 

Post a Comment

June 21, 2005

My Secret Vagina Ghost Name is....

I am a fairly regular MySpace user and one thing that other Myspace users know is that there are lots of dumb fucking bulletins that get posted that will waste your time and leave you feeling used and dry -- chaffed even, with a blister sometimes and the occasional wart on your hoo ha.

For you, my dear friends, enemies, stalkers and the like, I made my own version of one of these little name games, but my revealing little puzzles will actually make you consider your own mortality and morality while laughing at the less fortunate. You will be shocked by how true and accurate, yes even telling, these little exercises are. Get ready for F. U. N.

To get your:

1. Out of Work Porn Star Name:
(name of first pet + last medication taken (in quotes) + street you grew up on):

mine is: Stash "NyQuil" Nottingham

And that's how these handsome fellas named their band! Great work fellas!



2. Redheaded Child Movie Star Turned Teen prostitute Name:
(grandmother's/grandfather's first name + favorite word meaning anus (in quotes) + de Los + favorite spicy treat + Jr.):

mine is: Floyd "PoopChute" de Los Nachos Jr.

3. Fashion Designer Name:
(Last fag you talked to + favorite restaurant):

mine is: Tony Castillito

And that's how these horny gentlemen named their band! Awesome job fellas!



4. Bitch/Asshole/Jerkwad Name:
(most hated childhood nickname + first town where you fucked somebody):

mine is: Professor Provo

And that's how these charming billionaire computer company executives named their band! Way to go fellas!



5. Lesbian Secret Code Name:
(brand of shoes you are wearing + Von + favorite petroleum product):

mine is: Crosstrekker VonGrease (or you can just call yourself SideBurns Tiffany or Moustache Lisa -- I don't give a fuck.)

6. TV Detective Name (cancelled after 3 episodes):
(favorite animal + high school mascot):

mine is: Chimp Jaguar

These guys have the look, the name, the mojo... Watch out USA! Exxxcellent work duuudes!



7. Whore/Pimp Name:
(your favorite fruit + last snack food you ate + "Bitch" as punctuation):

mine is: Tangerine Ding Dong -- Bitch.

8. Favorite Fag Activity:
(favorite authors last name + Last thing you licked):

mine is: Seuss Finger

And that's how these sweet, sheep humpin bitches named their band! Fucking tits yo!



9. Failed 40 Something Still Wants to Someday Be a Rock Star Name:
(favorite car + the car you own)

mine is: Riviera Eldorado

10. Missing Hooker Name:
(word meaning "nobody" + word meaning "cares" (Use a thesaurus if ya hafta)):

mine is: Zilcho Givezafuck

And that's how these church goin, greasy, panty waisted, grandma visiting, pedophiles named their band! Take me higha niggas!



10. Slave Name:
("Po" + Favorite basketball players last name + Simmons):

mine is: Po' Malone Simmons

I think these ugly gentlemen are mocking the plight of the North American Negro. Fuck off fellas!



11. Gay Rap Name:
(Favorite holiday treat + Highest level of education accomplished + your middle name twice):

mine is: Fruitcake Community Sean Sean

12. Mob Name:
( Favorite size drink + Tony + The smell that best describes your armpits after two days with no shower)

mine is: Medium Tony Meatloaf

13. Foreign Retard name:
("El Retardo" + your favorite foreign food ingredient)

mine is: El Retardo Jalapeno

And that's how these dashing bloakes named their band! What a weeeeird way to say "tortilla chips" Stupendous creativity fellas!





14. Secret Vagina Ghost Name:
(your complexion or skin tone + Mc + Your favorite word that describes things that are slightly wet)

mine is: Freckles McMoist

And that's how these foreign speaking motherfucking douchebag geniuses named their band -- umm, I mean orchestra! What a weeeeird way to say "Pasty McDamp" Tremendous imagination fellas!



15. Slam Poetry Stage Name:
(Your favorite racial slur that describes your ethnicity + Your least favorite third world shithole)

mine is: Honky Malaysia

I don't think these hypnotically alluring gay fag homos read the directions very well. I don't like their off color humor either. Better luck next time FAGGOTS! Go back to Sweden you fucking racsist queers!



Lovely swedish dance band photos courtesy of a fine gentleman posting on HeySuburbia.com

That's all for now!
Don't get caught floating around in some kids dark bedroom being all vagina ghosty!
Your, On The Level, No Bowlshit, Straight Outta Compton, Uncle Tom,
merkley???

Now you do it. Post your results in the comments section. This is FUN!

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

to make it easy on you I have even made this lovely thing that is simple to copy and paste. i am nicer than jesus christ.

1. Out of Work Porn Star Name:
(name of first pet + last medication taken (in quotes) + street you grew up on):

mine is:

2. Redheaded Child Movie Star Turned Teen prostitute Name:
(grandmother's/grandfather's first name + favorite word meaning anus (in quotes) + de Los + favorite spicy treat + Jr.):

mine is:

3. Fashion Designer Name:
(Last fag you talked to + favorite restaurant):

mine is:

4. Bitch/Asshole/Jerkwad Name:
(most hated childhood nickname + first town where you fucked somebody):

mine is:

5. Lesbian Secret Code Name:
(brand of shoes you are wearing + Von + favorite petroleum product):

mine is:

6. TV Detective Name (cancelled after 3 episodes):
(favorite animal + high school mascot):

mine is:

7. Whore/Pimp Name:
(your favorite fruit + last snack food you ate + "Bitch" as punctuation):

mine is:

8. Favorite Fag Activity:
(favorite authors last name + Last thing you licked):

mine is:

9. Failed 40 Something Still Wants to Someday Be a Rock Star Name:
(favorite car + the car you own)

mine is:

10. Missing Hooker Name:
(word meaning "nobody" + word meaning "cares" (Use a thesaurus if ya hafta)):

mine is:

10. Slave Name:
("Po" + Favorite basketball players last name + Simmons):

mine is:

11. Gay Rap Name:
(Favorite holiday treat + Highest level of education accomplished + your middle name twice):

mine is:

12. Mob Name:
( Favorite size drink + Tony + The smell that best describes your armpits after two days with no shower)

mine is:

13. Foreign Retard name:
("El Retardo" + your favorite foreign food ingredient)

mine is:

14. Secret Vagina Ghost Name:
(your complexion or skin tone + Mc + Your favorite word that describes things that are slightly wet)

mine is:

15. Slam Poetry Stage Name:
(Your favorite racial slur that describes your ethnicity + Your least favorite third world shithole)

mine is:

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

Where did you find those pictures? Is there a WorldsWorstBands.com or something?

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

I know the Quinn Luke post was down there, but I'm posting about it up here, because that's what I do. I listened to his album online a few days ago. (Because that's the other thing I do; not pay for music.) It was pretty freakin' awesome. I just might break my code and buy it from him. Does he take food stamps?

I'll post your stupid name game answers, next week.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

I'm Rufus Guacamole.
or Blooney Biddle Darkie
or Conjunctiva Bugerflikka.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

1. Out of Work Porn Star Name:
(name of first pet + last medication taken (in quotes) + street you grew up on):

mine is:Snow (Ambien) Boston

2. Redheaded Child Movie Star Turned Teen prostitute Name:
(grandmother's/grandfather's first name + favorite word meaning anus (in quotes) + de Los + favorite spicy treat + Jr.):

mine is: David (Sphincter)de los cane adobada Jr

3. Fashion Designer Name:
(Last fag you talked to + favorite restaurant):

mine is: Kim El Sombrero

4. Bitch/Asshole/Jerkwad Name:
(most hated childhood nickname + first town where you fucked somebody):

mine is: Breezy Las Cruces

5. Lesbian Secret Code Name:
(brand of shoes you are wearing + Von + favorite petroleum product):

mine is: Nike Von Vaseline

6. TV Detective Name (cancelled after 3 episodes):
(favorite animal + high school mascot):

mine is: Cat Bulldog

7. Whore/Pimp Name:
(your favorite fruit + last snack food you ate + "Bitch" as punctuation):

mine is: Cherry Cookie BITCH!

8. Favorite Fag Activity:
(favorite authors last name + Last thing you licked):

mine is: King Finger

9. Failed 40 Something Still Wants to Someday Be a Rock Star Name:
(favorite car + the car you own)

mine is: Avalon Elantra

10. Missing Hooker Name:
(word meaning "nobody" + word meaning "cares" (Use a thesaurus if ya hafta)):

mine is: Cipher Cherish

10. Slave Name:
("Po" + Favorite basketball players last name + Simmons):

mine is: Po ? Simmons (Basketball? what the fuck?!)

11. Gay Rap Name:
(Favorite holiday treat + Highest level of education accomplished + your middle name twice):

mine is: Candy Cane College Jo JO

12. Mob Name:
( Favorite size drink + Tony + The smell that best describes your armpits after two days with no shower)

mine is: Medium Tony Popcorn

13. Foreign Retard name:
("El Retardo" + your favorite foreign food ingredient)

mine is: El Retardo Chili Colorado

14. Secret Vagina Ghost Name:
(your complexion or skin tone + Mc + Your favorite word that describes things that are slightly wet)

mine is: Creamy McHumid

15. Slam Poetry Stage Name:
(Your favorite racial slur that describes your ethnicity + Your least favorite third world shithole)

mine is: CrackerSpic Mexico

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

This was fun! MORE, MORE!

 

Anonymous Kevin is a gaywad.

#15 Slam poetry stage name= Mick Korea. I suppose my jazz pianist name would be Chick Corea. (I know many do not consider Korea to be 3rd world, after living there for 6 months, I do.)

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

1. Out of Work Porn Star Name:
(name of first pet + last medication taken (in quotes) + street you grew up on):

mine is: Pegasus "Mucinex -Lortadine" Eden

2. Redheaded Child Movie Star Turned Teen prostitute Name:
(grandmother's/grandfather's first name + favorite word meaning anus (in quotes) + de Los + favorite spicy treat + Jr.):

mine is: Rosa "Bunger" de Los Torta Jr

3. Fashion Designer Name:
(Last fag you talked to + favorite restaurant):

mine is: Aaron Le Cheval

4. Bitch/Asshole/Jerkwad Name:
(most hated childhood nickname + first town where you fucked somebody):

mine is: Clamydia San Jose

5. Lesbian Secret Code Name:
(brand of shoes you are wearing + Von + favorite petroleum product):

mine is: Adidas Von Carmex

6. TV Detective Name (cancelled after 3 episodes):
(favorite animal + high school mascot):

mine is: Panda Charger

7. Whore/Pimp Name:
(your favorite fruit + last snack food you ate + "Bitch" as punctuation):

mine is: Peaches Sesame Sticks Bitch

8. Favorite Fag Activity:
(favorite authors last name + Last thing you licked):

mine is: Cisneros Waterbottle

9. Failed 40 Something Still Wants to Someday Be a Rock Star Name:
(favorite car + the car you own)

mine is: Mustang Blazer

10. Missing Hooker Name:
(word meaning "nobody" + word meaning "cares" (Use a thesaurus if ya hafta)):

mine is: Tired-Ass Bitch Love

10. Slave Name:
("Po" + Favorite basketball players last name + Simmons):

mine is: Po Camby Simmons

11. Gay Rap Name:
(Favorite holiday treat + Highest level of education accomplished + your middle name twice):

mine is: Peanut Brittle BA two-times Alma Rose Alma Rose

12. Mob Name:
( Favorite size drink + Tony + The smell that best describes your armpits after two days with no shower)

mine is: Small Toney Butterfunk

13. Foreign Retard name:
("El Retardo" + your favorite foreign food ingredient)

mine is: El Retardo Chipotle

14. Secret Vagina Ghost Name:
(your complexion or skin tone + Mc + Your favorite word that describes things that are slightly wet)

mine is: Olive McMoist

15. Slam Poetry Stage Name:
(Your favorite racial slur that describes your ethnicity + Your least favorite third world shithole)

Wetback-Polack Vietnam

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

digicat,

whoa, good point. i shall correct the post immediately to give due credit. what manners have i...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Dash,
thanks fine sir. we worked hard on that one. the next album is coming out soon. i think you will all enjoy it very much.

glad to see you back from vacation -- well, i mean, it was fun to see you on vacation too.

i want to hear whatever horror story that caused you to end it and post that bum out post.

i'm the only one allowed to write bum out posts -- didn't you know?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,
come on, do the rest. it's not like you are sitting there at work totally busy doing more important things.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
my favorites,
the bitch: Breezy Las Cruces
the PI: Cat Bulldog
the whore: Cherry Cookie BITCH!

ah shit, they are all pretty good, -- but i think Breezy Las Cruces has real potential.

now go give yourself a King Finger.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Kevin,

Is this GOLDING?
holy shit! I didn't even know you read this shit.

I was just talking about you (i often do) because i was telling the porta potty story the other day. it's the type of story that needs a witness to verify it. now i can post it.

You definitley are not a Mick Korea

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Lydia,
Aaron Le Cheval = very gay, very designery.
Clamydia San Jose = very bitchy
Cisneros Waterbottle = FUN!
Po Camby Simmons = awww po camby.

but i thgink I'm gonna hafta start calling you Mustang Blazer

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

yeah man Mustang Blazer is like one of the most amazing potential nick name ever. Even better than Lucid Manipulator...although that one is pretty damn good. You totally should add a formula on how to make your Drunk Asshole name....

Even reading Clamydia San Jose makes me cry.
Figures that I should have the gayest of gay names...the whole fag hag thing haunts me i had to seriously think hard about what the name of the last fag i had talked to was because i had already talked to 3 fags by 11 am this morning.

 

Anonymous lalalalani is a gaywad.

1. Out of Work Porn Star Name:
(name of first pet + last medication taken (in quotes) + street you grew up on):
mine is: Speedy “Pot” Polaris

2. Redheaded Child Movie Star Turned Teen prostitute Name:
(grandmother's/grandfather's first name + favorite word meaning anus (in quotes) + de Los + favorite spicy treat + Jr.):
mine is: Myrle “Ur-anus” de Los Wasabi Peas Jr.

3. Fashion Designer Name:
(Last fag you talked to + favorite restaurant):
mine is: Steev Nirvana

4. Bitch/Asshole/Jerkwad Name:
(most hated childhood nickname + first town where you fucked somebody):
mine is: Booboo Ogden

5. Lesbian Secret Code Name:
(brand of shoes you are wearing + Von + favorite petroleum product):
mine is: Camper Von Plastik

6. TV Detective Name (cancelled after 3 episodes):
(favorite animal + high school mascot):
mine is: Manatee Conquistador

7. Whore/Pimp Name:
(your favorite fruit + last snack food you ate + "Bitch" as punctuation):
mine is: Mango Hot Chocolate --Bitch

8. Favorite Fag Activity:
(favorite authors last name + Last thing you licked):
mine is: Dahl Teeth

9. Failed 40 Something Still Wants to Someday Be a Rock Star Name:
(favorite car + the car you own)
mine is: Classic Corvette Corolla

10. Missing Hooker Name:
(word meaning "nobody" + word meaning "cares" (Use a thesaurus if ya hafta)):
mine is: Nonentity “Heart”

10. Slave Name:
("Po" + Favorite basketball players last name + Simmons):
mine is: Po Noname Simmons

11. Gay Rap Name:
(Favorite holiday treat + Highest level of education accomplished + your middle name twice):
mine is: Candy Cane Cookies M.A. Angela Angela

12. Mob Name:
( Favorite size drink + Tony + The smell that best describes your armpits after two days with no shower)
mine is: Big Gulp Tony Musk

13. Foreign Retard name:
("El Retardo" + your favorite foreign food ingredient)
mine is: El Retardo Chipotle

14. Secret Vagina Ghost Name:
(your complexion or skin tone + Mc + Your favorite word that describes things that are slightly wet)
mine is: Blue Mc Moist

15. Slam Poetry Stage Name:
(Your favorite racial slur that describes your ethnicity + Your least favorite third world shithole):
Polymut France

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

1. Out of Work Porn Star Name:
(name of first pet + last medication taken (in quotes) + street you grew up on):

mine is: Buddha Goodies (I cant remember the last medication I took, and it sounds cool enough without it)

2. Redheaded Child Movie Star Turned Teen prostitute Name:
(grandmother's/grandfather's first name + favorite word meaning anus (in quotes) + de Los + favorite spicy treat + Jr.):

mine is: Ray "Russel" de Los Chile Con Carne Jr.

3. Fashion Designer Name:
(Last fag you talked to + favorite restaurant):

mine is: Sheldon Vaucluse

4. Bitch/Asshole/Jerkwad Name:
(most hated childhood nickname + first town where you fucked somebody):

mine is: Blip Hobart

5. Lesbian Secret Code Name:
(brand of shoes you are wearing + Von + favorite petroleum product):

mine is: Nike VonFire

6. TV Detective Name (cancelled after 3 episodes):
(favorite animal + high school mascot):

mine is: Pangolin Magpie

7. Whore/Pimp Name:
(your favorite fruit + last snack food you ate + "Bitch" as punctuation):

mine is: Mandarin Toast Bitch

8. Favorite Fag Activity:
(favorite authors last name + Last thing you licked):

mine is: Gorey Toothbrush

9. Failed 40 Something Still Wants to Someday Be a Rock Star Name:
(favorite car + the car you own)

mine is: Charger Laser

10. Missing Hooker Name:
(word meaning "nobody" + word meaning "cares" (Use a thesaurus if ya hafta)):

mine is: Billy Cares

10. Slave Name:
("Po" + Favorite basketball players last name + Simmons):

mine is: Po Rose Simmons

11. Gay Rap Name:
(Favorite holiday treat + Highest level of education accomplished + your middle name twice):

mine is: Meringue Year 12 Rulani Rulani

12. Mob Name:
( Favorite size drink + Tony + The smell that best describes your armpits after two days with no shower)

mine is: Large Tony Dank

13. Foreign Retard name:
("El Retardo" + your favorite foreign food ingredient)

mine is: El Retardo Salt

14. Secret Vagina Ghost Name:
(your complexion or skin tone + Mc + Your favorite word that describes things that are slightly wet)

mine is: Tan McAbitWet

15. Slam Poetry Stage Name:
(Your favorite racial slur that describes your ethnicity + Your least favorite third world shithole)

mine is:HalfCaste Ethiopia

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lalalani,
porn=Speedy “Pot” Polaris
Booboo Ogden = now THAT is bitchy.
Manatee Conquistador P.I., i'd hire your fat ass.
Mango Hot Chocolate --Bitch= colored hooker from jamaica --yeeeeahhh!
Dahl Teeth: sounds painful.
Big Gulp Tony Musk: YES!
Polymutt France: Shit poetry for sure, with hawaiian flare -- ALOHA!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

sir william bunkton,

Buddha Goodies : fat dude with big balls and snacky nipples?
Ray "Russel" de Los Chile Con Carne Jr.: Russel means anus?
Sheldon Vaucluse: can't wait for the fall line.
Blip Hobart:personal assistant to BooBoo Ogden
Pangolin Magpie: So you're a homo detective. Very liberal of you.
Mandarin Toast Bitch: Chinese and scorching hot.
Gorey Toothbrush: please god no.
Charger Laser: see you down at the pub Chargey!
Billy Cares: awwwww. so touching.
Po Rose Simmons: lots of women in your line up bunks.
Large Tony Dank: kills with a shank.
Tan McAbitWet: doesn't really roll off the tounge.
HalfCaste Ethiopia: please pleasure us with a poem mr halfcaste.

 

Anonymous William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Buddha was a horse. Russel is local slang. Rose = Jalen Rose.

Merkley, I don’t meant to cause a fuss,
But I have a boring issue to discuss,
Clogging our blogs will not be a problem
If you email billybunks@xxxx.com
Otherwise shove your head up your russ.

 

Blogger Jack is a gaywad.

Wow. I didn't think it was possible to be more of a douche than Alex. But I may just have found the jackpot.

2 things of note here:
1) I really don't find what Alex writes on his blog to be even remotely funny. Like, in the least. It's all just stupid crap that, sure, could be passingly funny sometimes. Except there's one problem: it isn't. Something about his smugness takes away from the hilarity, however miniscule, of the whole thing. Maybe next time you see your good pal Alex you should tell him to write something that maybe I would laugh if it was in fact funny.

2) I have journals. Not blogs. The difference: blog are for people that have nothing better to do than to sit at home on their computers and write tired social, political, or socio-political commentary every single day. They are meant for other unsuspecting people to stumble upon, laugh at, and, in the process, make them look like utter geniuses to the readers. "Oh, wow...THIS guy hates Pitchfor Media too! He's saying exactly what I've been not writing down for years! Man, he is the smartest man ALIVE!"
Journals, on the other hand, are more personal things, intended to be read mostly by people you know. Which are what I have. As you'll see, from my "boring" journals, I just talk about random crap that happens to me so that my friends, who happen to find it mildly amusing, can read about it and have their mild amusement for the day. That's it. I don't claim to be "nicer than Jesus Christ" or any of that shit. Boring? Yeah, probably. I never said I wasn't. At least I'm not a douchebag about it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

jack,
oh no, you're a douchebag, let's be clear about that. you are just suuuuuuuper boring. in fact, you just bored me sooo aahhh yaaaaaawwwwwnnnn sfbggcfzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

Blogger Jack is a gaywad.

Clever.

 

Blogger Jack is a gaywad.

You were beginning to annoy me. SO I blocked you. Feel free to annoy me on my Blogspot thing, I left that completely open for you to be bored with.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Blocked? Really? Dang.

it was such a nice place to hang myself or fall asleep ---- awwww.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Blocking, The pussies answer to not being able to come back with coooool burns. Who is this Jack.....ass anyway and why is griping about Blagg here. I must be out of the loop.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Ah, I figured it out. I went to Jacks blogs and now I am cured of my inability to go to sleep...I'm off the Ambien! Praise be!

 

Blogger DC Divas is a gaywad.

My friend and I really like your blog and we found this post to be extremely awesome! Keep up the good work, free entertainment is excellent!

 

Anonymous gabrielle sarah is a gaywad.

when i was younger i always pronounced sean like "seam" with an n.


now i know its "shawn" like "spawn" but with SH in front.


but oh boy did your middle name cause some terriby embarassing moments for little gaby.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

hahahahahaha, that's so true! myspace rules!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

DC Divas,

Thanks! I'll camp at your blog for a few.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
well that pronunciation beats the way some french assholes have told me that it is supposed to be pronounced. which is:

seeawn

how gay.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

I'm just concerned you ate a ding-dong. That's some extreme action right there!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Nothing warms my heart like the sweet concerned admonishments from Satan.

Thanks for looking out for me pal. at least someone gives a fuck about my health and well being.

Satan = Tough Love.

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

1. Out of Work Porn Star Name:

mine is: Stumpy “Ginseng” Coronado

2. Redheaded Child Movie Star Turned Teen prostitute Name:

mine is: Erskin “Back Door” de los Acid Rain Hot Nuts Jr.

3. Fashion Designer Name:

mine is: Heinrich El Charro

4. Bitch/Asshole/Jerkwad Name:

mine is: Diarrhea Tunis

5. Lesbian Secret Code Name:

mine is: Puma Von Mein Öl

6. TV Detective Name (cancelled after 3 episodes):

mine is: Puppy Badger

7. Whore/Pimp Name:

mine is: Kiwi Chipwich-Bitch

8. Favorite Fag Activity:

mine is: Toole Lemon Sorbet

9. Failed 40 Something Still Wants to Someday Be a Rock Star Name:

mine is: El Camino Bayerische Motoren Werke

10. Missing Hooker Name:

mine is: Absolute Null Regardo

10. Slave Name:

mine is: "Po" Miller Simmons

11. Gay Rap Name:

mine is: Brandy Egg Nogg Grad School Holly Holly

12. Mob Name:

mine is: Half Liter Tony Vanilla Beans

13. Foreign Retard name:

mine is: El Retardo Toasted Cumin

14. Secret Vagina Ghost Name:


mine is: Reddish McDamp

15. Slam Poetry Stage Name:
(Your favorite racial slur that describes your ethnicity + Your least favorite third world shithole)

mine is: Aryan Barbarian Bangladesh

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

holly,
Stumpy “Ginseng” Coronado: ha! you said STUMPY.
Heinrich El Charro: I like the tight shiny shirts from the summer collection.
Diarrhea Tunis: Who the hell calls someone diarrhea? Poor girl.
Puppy Badger: She's a beginner but she is RUTHLESS!!
Kiwi Chipwich-Bitch: New Zealand slut.
Toole Lemon Sorbet : It never fails. this gormula always sounds like a fag activity.
El Camino Bayerische Motoren Werke: WTF?
Absolute Null Regardo: BEST ONE YET FOR MISSING HOOKER.
Brandy Egg Nogg Grad School Holly Holly: FROM COMPTON CALIFORNIA!!
Half Liter Tony Vanilla Beans: KILLED IN THE FIRST SEASON.
Reddish McDamp: I would run from that vagina ghost.
Aryan Barbarian Bangladesh: YES!

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

I got my friend Smith to do it too, I'll pop that baby up next!

my first name is rhea and well ... the kids are mean, Merkley.

I was trying to get legit on BMW so I put "Bayerische Motoren Werke"

I think The Secret Vagina Ghosts should be the name of your next trio.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Holly,
Ok, so, as you wish, we're a trio.

I'll be "Secret" on account of the >???< stuff.

You be "Vagina" on account of I think you have one."

Now all we need is someone to be all Ghosty.

What do you play?

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

I want to be on spoons or washboard.

I also want that bay area peace activist with the saline filled you-know-what as the "Ghost" member:

http://blaggblogg.blogspot.com/2005/04/reason-1263959-to-love-living-in-sf.html

Maybe he emits some sort of organic noise.

 

Anonymous Mast3er is a gaywad.

Someone here asked if there is a worldsworstbands.com... well no, but there is a http://www.worldsworstbands.blogspot.com check it out...

 

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June 20, 2005

Do Not Disturb (Accidental VooDoo Alert!)

100% true story:

One morning many years ago a barking dog woke me from my wonderful dreams. I audibly cursed the dog and wished for it's early death.

Later that morning I was once again rudely slapped from my slumber but this time by a metal crunching, screeching traffic accident in the intersection right outside my window.

The accident was terrific, one car upside down and the other smashed into the house across the street.

There was only one fatality:

That very same asshole dog.

That barking fag was in the back seat.

It woke me up and now it's fucking DEAD!

Watch out bitches, For your own safety, let me sleep in peace.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught with a dead canine's blood on your sleeping, crotch warmed, hands!!
Your most qualified accidental voodoo practitioner,
merkley???

I remembered this story after reading Raymi's blog this evening.
oh yeah, and ladies, never say I never did nothin fer ya.

UPDATE!
to listen to this post read by a fucking douchebag PBS civil war letter narrarator click the dealie below.

this is an audio post - click to play

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

Earplugs work.

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

no mess to clean up afterwards. dead dogs are messy, especially after their bodies have sat in the hot sun for a couple of hours.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Hmmmmm, how did you know it was the same dog? Did you go to your window and curse him while looking into his little brown eyes, or were you laying in bed under the covers cursing? THEN! How did you know that very dog was dead in the backseat of one of the cars? Did you put on your "outdoors fatal car crash clothes" and go investigate and see the very same dog, only now dead? How can you know that this was indeed the same canine? Maybe the cursed dog is still alive biding his time 'til he can once again bark louding and wake you up...oh, and thanks for the youth potion.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

oh. my. god. you aint lyin'!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

paula,

earplugs. yes. i am a big fan. it's not like i enjoy doing voodoo. like i said, it was an accident.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
the dog's name was Buttons. it lived directly behind me. i could see it right out my bedroom window. I knew who Buttons was. Its was how I was able to deliver the specific curse.

Buttons died in the back seat.

I audibly wished for Buttons death and Buttons died.

i know, trust me, i had my moments of denial too. i understand what you are feeling right now. but it's ok. it's not your fault. accidental voodoo is nobody's fault. except Jesus maybe.

Blame Jesus, he died for that kind of shit anyway, he won't even notice.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Bridget,

no i'm not lying.

i wish i was. Buttons did not deserve to die.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

You are all powerful! You are also a little scary now...hey, if I give you the names and addresses of some former boyfriends, employers and my Dad, can you hook me up?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
i wish it worked that way. trust me, i have tried to harness this power for the good of all mankind (i'm sure that's what you were intending with your list) but i have so far as of yet been unable.

unless of course you consider my powers regarding the death of rats... or the power i have to cause the phone to ring, but those are whole different blog posts altogether.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Don't think the absence of photos of attractive young women has gone unnoticed either, Murderer???.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bunks,
i realize that's the only reason most of yall come back. cain't say i blame ya.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

This isn't the first time your talked about your secret voodoo death powers. You need to start making surveillance video or something so we can actually see your death magic in action.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

digi,

hmmmn i can't remember the other time i talked about it.

but i have some other stories too.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

The audio blog really brings the "voodooness" home for me...very funny!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ah ha digital!

now i remember. i told you the marylin manson story over on your blog. i never told it here. that's why i was confused.

that has been bugging me since i read your comment this afternoon.

whew.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks wendy.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

I listened to that barration more times than is healthy.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

by barration of course I mean, narration

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

and by listening to it more times than is healthy, you mean you listened to it once.

i should have warned about that. you see bunks, on public television here in the usa, they have these long three week documentary specials on the american civil war. it's mostly just photos and terrible actors reading letters from the war.

unfortunately, i nailed it.

 

Anonymous SZUGYE is a gaywad.

MERDE! I remember that story like it was yesterday. "Yesss-ter-day." Another Merkley classic. Cats don't do those annoying things (barking and crap). That's why I love the cute little kitties. Also, kitties don't poo on your lawn, and they don't graffiti your house/s.

"There's no such thing as a chemical imbalance." ~Tom Cruise

That guy is a fucking genius.

Oh yeah, the television show BECKER keeps me sane.

Great Artwork :www.szugye.com

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

I thought you dusappeared szugye.

glad to see you're back and shit.

 

Post a Comment

Surprise!!

I threw a surprise birthday party for my buddy Quinn a.k.a. Bing Ji Ling. His birthday was on Saturday, I told him we'd do something then but for Friday night I would handle everything and put together dinner for just the "real" friends. Then I spent the rest of the day inviting everyone and simultaneously depleting his self esteem, you know, like a good friend is supposed to do. I kept making check in calls with him saying stuff like;

"I left messages with so and so but nobody is returning calls and so and so can't make it because they were planning on going to the Xyz bar or going to a movie for no particular reason". But then I'd say stuff like --

"Hey, no big deal, we'll just do it old school, just you me and Sheri"

I could tell that he was sad and feeling rather unloved like an ugly homo in Idaho which was exactly what I wanted.

Sheri and I took him to dinner at a fancy joint called Town Hall. We needed to be back to my house at 11pm because that was the "quiet time". We were running late and I was texting all through dinner, playing it off like a new sex addiction. We ran the risk of running into someone on the stoop which would have wrecked the surprise.

When we finally pulled up, someone was in my driveway so I sent him around the block while I found the person and told them to move.

When I entered the house, everyone had crowded into my work room which connects via two big sliding doors to the main living area -- it's not where one looks when entering the house so it really did look empty. There were about 40-50 people all crowded in various nooks waiting, all shhhshhing each other.

When Quinn came in the door, I was making a drink at the bar. He just let loose the words:

"so what was that phone call about?"

when everyone yelled;

"SURPRISE!!!"

He had the best Shit My Pants look I have ever seen. He was blasted and covered in pink silly string and one guest noted that he looked like a pink Chewbacca -- but the shuffle he did with his feet upon hearing the SURPRISE!! Will always be a go to if I ever need a smile on my face. It was simply hilarious. There was something very Barney Fife about it.

I think I noticed his eyes being a bit watery. OK maybe they were mine. fuck off. I ain't gay.

The party was a fantastic success, ending in the back room with a small group of us playing a drinking game called "Never Have I Ever" in which you go around the room confessing to things you either have or haven't done and everyone who has done that thing raises their hand and takes a drink. We played until 6am and I found out that all my friends are sluts and whores and they have all had foriegn objects stuck up their butts by other people. I was the only chaste person in the bunch. I am also the ony one amongst my friends to ever poop in a bag and put it in somebody's freezer. Huh? I thought everyone did stuff like that.

Anyway. I decided that there is simply no reason why any party can't be a surprise party for somebody. Just don't tell one person and surprise the fuck out of them. Shit you could do surprise for somebody every 30 minutes. EVERYBODY LOVES A SURPRISE PARTY. Get on it people. You could even do it for notorious assholes and scream ASSHOLE!! be creative. No more wasting parties by not surprising somebody.

That's all for now.

Don't get caught pooping your pants at your own birthday party!

Your, Never Had Nothing Up His Butt But Poop And The Doctor's Magic Finger, Fella,

merkley???

Non-boring funny stuff soon. I promise. Well -- maybe. Hey, get off my back.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Firstly, Thank God you are back! I was afraid you were in a horrible accident and in the hospital and no one let me know. (You do always wear clean underwear right?...of course you do, nothing goes up your butt and causes the sphincter muscles to loosen up....eewwwww!!)

Secondly, Why is it when you plan an awesome surprise party there is always some dipwad who parks their car out front...or in my case is walking a crying baby out on the porch?

Thirdly, I'm happy you successfully crushed your friends' spirit and then SURPRISE! Welcome back, I missed you.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks wendy,

yeah, the car out in the driveway wasn't planned but i think it worked out better that way because had i not had to run in to have it moved, i would not have had such a good vantage point for viewing the surprise.

i was worried about some boner wrecking it -- but luckily, it all worked out dandy.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Once again I wasn't invited.

I'm beginning to see a recurring pattern here.

I can take a hint, asshole.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

mr. bunks,

seriously dood,

i called like a jillion times but all i got was an old mossmouthed woman talking about "bunks walked the plank" this and "bunks pillaged a village" that and how you wouldn't be back until mercury was aligned with dame whore in sydney who was on vacation in the balkans back in the days of golden hot sauce. ahhh, them were those days. the days when fish lept from their watery abodes into the campfire filled mouths of hungry sailors.

seriously yo, i don't speak poodle, you'll have to get that old woman a speaking horn and a fresh set of dentures if you ever expect our telephonic communications to rise anywhere above Shoot My Ear With Hot Molten Lead levels.

which reminds me. did you ever repaint the house? word is the infants are dumb in your neck of the forrest.

lead poisoning: not good for surprise parties.

sorry you couldn't make it.

 

Post a Comment

June 14, 2005

My Impression Of Old Age.

Aren't you excited?

this is an audio post - click to play
click the gay ??? logo to play this hilarious audiopost!!


If somebody out there wants to listen and transcribe this audiopost for the penismunchers who can't listen to audio, please do and post it in the comments, then I'll add it to the original post. I'm just too lazy to do it myself.

That's all for now!

Don't get caught laughcrying and wheezing out a final gasp into the great lonely void!

Your succulent, nubile, fresh as a daisy hunk of pure -- fuck power,

merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Get the man an Oscar.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bunks,
you have to play a retard or a drunk to get an Oscar. don't believe me? look it up.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

I haven't listened to the thing yet, I just heard on the news there was a 7.0 earthquake off the coast of northern CA. and a Tsunami is on it's way? I hope you are on high ground and this thing doesn't turn out to be too bad.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Tsunami warning canceled...whew. Would hate to see all you weirdos wash away.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

I'd love to see all the tramps lining up along the shore, parting their cheeks waiting for their free, salty enema.

What a sight that would be.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

That is exactly what old age sounds like! There should have been a thud of your dead corpse at the end though....

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

hey wendy and bunks,

don't believe everything you hear in the mmedia. the tsunami actually happened.

it was a tsunami of love, and it happened in my pants!

now let's all hold hands and sing about boogers!

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Oh god, you made up with "woman" and got some...how is this going to be funny?

 

Blogger r/r is a gaywad.

you're not fuck power

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ummmmm
ok
you got me.

but i definitely am PONY POWER!

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

This is my first time here, and after listening to that audio post, I have come to a tentative conclusion.

You're crazy.

 

Blogger invincibleoverlord is a gaywad.

you are so gay merkley.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

Wow, Merkley, not only are you the same age as my Grandpa, but you sound EXACTLY like him.

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

I hope your blog doesn't keel over and die, too. It's been awhile since you've updated it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

sorry about the lack of posts paula. i was busy sleeping and doing absolutely nothing.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

heay snakey,

thanks for noticing.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

inviciblewormydick,

"you're so gay!" he said as he pulled his penis out of the llama's butt and wiped it on his richard simmons'es semen sandwich.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,

i AM your grandfather.

now come over here and sit on my lap.

 

Post a Comment

June 13, 2005

It's My Birthday and I'll Talk About Poop and Pee if I want To! I Swear I Called You at Least Ten Times To Invite You.

So far it has been HORRIBLE.

Sunday evening, Lani and Heather, the jerk assed, butt plug ho-bags upstairs, hosted a BULLSHIT little potluck dinner/barbecue party in honor of my birthday. The food was crap. the ambiance was awful, and the guests were all assholes and losers.

in no particular order:
Bridget Schwartz - my mortal enemy and totally unfunny, boring, fart-sniffing "comedian" (yeah right)/blogger was there.

Alex Blagg, trite, competetive, nemesis blogger and also failed, scab saving "comedian" was there.

Quinn Luke a.k.a Bing Ji Ling, my least favorite "friend" and talentless musical hack with a voice that sounds like a dying fag's penis was there with some lame chick who frowned all night and didn't talk to anyone.

Maria Lame-O Deform-O, stubborn, closed-minded former booger flinging champion HasBeen was there.

Lydia Popovich, the phony brown-nosing star-fucker, was there. (LEARN TO COOK!)

Don "Local Star" Steele Who nobody likes and smells like a wet ten day old sandwich was there.

Hannah "Banana Splitzer" Sitzer The selfish "No Parties at MY House" girl who lives with Don because nobody else will listen to her crap for more than ten minutes, was there. YOU MADE ME GET THAT SUNBURN ON PURPOSE JERK!

Will Franken, Amazingly predictable, bland and overrated run of the mill comic was there with his equally annoying, unpleasant, uncharming wife.

Brent Weinbach, one of the most unoriginal, uncreative, snore inducing comics I have ever seen, was there. Learn how to do believeable characters you HACK!

Rohini, who basically refuses to smile or laugh at anything ever -- a bore and total party killer, was there. (She goes to bed like at 9pm -- booooorrrring!)

Tanya, who discovered that if you pinch your nose a bit, raise your upper lip to the point that it almost plugs your nose and smell it, it smells almost exactly like a baby's head, how fucking gay!! was there.

Sheri Sheridan, My bad "friend" and the crippled, fashionless, zit picking owner of Swallowtail was there.

Kelly Tunstall, one of my frequent retarded, Down's Syndromey looking models and wannabe artist, was there.

DJ Tom Thump, One of SF's most unrecognized and unemployable DJs was there.

Bethany, the undelightful clompy crap candy and poop pastry making spazz from the stinky shithole apartment directly above mine was there.

There were more fucking annoying assholes, but they either came with someone else or I'm just a retard and am forgetting right now -- but It was all thrown together really super last minute so if you didn't get the invite it's because you didn't check your voicemail because I swear to Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior of All Human Beings Except The Gays that I invited you. Seriously, you were totally invited. I totally called you and listened to your voicemail and everything I swear, It was weird though because it was going straight into your voicemail, maybe you didn't have coverage or something. What carrier do you use? Yeah, they are notorious for fucked up voicemail. That's probably why you weren't at my last party. You should switch carriers or buy a new phone, you are missing out on a lot. You should SUE. In fact I called you FIRST now that I think about it. I called you last week, all week in fact, because although I didn't know I was gonna have a party really, I knew I wanted to be with you. Your phone has been fucked up all week. That's fucked up. Seriously, you really should sue. Shit, I'M gonna sue because the party was totally not the same without you. I don't know where these fucking phone companies come off just screwing up peoples lives, I mean, we pay a lot of money for voicemail, the least they could do is deliver it. Am I right? I'm mean these are important things. What if I was dead in a ditch somewhere with flaming birthday candles sticking out of my ass and your number was the only one that my phone would dial? It's fucking ridiculous. The fucking phone company is TOTALLY FUCKING WITH MY BIRTHDAY!! YOU HEAR THAT PHONE COMPANY??!! YOU ARE
DEAD!! DEAD I TELL YOU!! YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND NOT DELIVERING VOICEMAIL INVITES TO MY CLOSEST FRIENDS AND THINK YOU WILL GET AWAY WITH IT!!
DEAD!
YOU!
PHONE COMPANY!!
YOU ARE!!


Anyway, the rest of us, the ones with great phones, plans and coverage all ate terrific food until we had to poop and then we sat around playing a game called "Which Would You Prefer" which is basically an excuse to consider eating poop for money or fucking 9 foot tall women.

Good fucking times n'shit -- I'm 38.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught sniffing your upper lip and thinking it's a baby's head! Seriously, fix your phone.
Your OLD OLD OLD OLD OOOOOOOOLLLLLLLD ice cream in his beard--ed buddy,

merkley???

p.s. ain't opposite day a blast? OH BOY!

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

I just called my phone company and they said there's nothing wrong with my voicemail.

Whatever. Your parties always suck anyway.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

yeah, I actually got your voicemail...I just didn't call you back.

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

would you rather be a 38 year-old total gaywad who's having a birthday, or have sex with a rhinocerous?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,
your phone company LIES!

I called you like a billion times.

you are traveling in and out of coverage. don't blame me.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

jerk.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

alex,

ha ha! that's totally what I am doing for my birthday!

weird.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

That is the second time you have called me a jerk! I'm honored and humbled at the same time. Had I known you were going to post the most "awesomenest" of comebacks (below) I would not have only called you back, but would have flown to fucking San Francisco and brought chips and dip to the party. (hot bean dip, mmmm, mmmm, mmm, yummy.)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
i actually like rebecca. she was raised mormon in utah like i was. that kind of thing can put a person on edge a little.

she is probably just on the rag! ha ha ha ha!

it's so fun to say that. especially when it's true and even more especially when it's NOT true.

wait till lani chimes in. she is a lesbian and a former mormon too. not that i want a bloodbath in the comments section or anything, but how could that conversation not be interesting?

 

Blogger Ajax is a gaywad.

I was going to go to your party, but I didn't feel like getting fucked in the ass.

 

Anonymous Sue is a gaywad.

you're coming down off your birthday bender and gettin soft, you old goat. No more cut and paste IM conversations. I called it. Michael jackson is free. For your next birthday you need to have a goat BBQ like otha turner. The billy goats don't taste as good, leave them out of the pot.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

fuck, man.
I've had such a bad day, then I see I'm mentioned in Merkley's blog.
I perked up until I read what he actually said.

happy birthday, faggot.
Yes, I'm unfunny and boring, but you forgot to mention how fat and ugly i am.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,

sniff sniff! crappy opposite day!!!

Boooooooooo!

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

I knew there was a reason I got rottenly drunk on the library steps, walked for half an hour in torrential rain to my Aunts house and slurred her ear off about no end of bullshit.

Happy Birthday Methuselah.

Thanks for the invite you aged and haggard fuck.

Knock Knock

Whos there?

Merkley is an aged and haggard fuck.

Merkley is an aged and haggard fuck who?

Nothing, thats all my names, there is no more.

Oh, sorry, come in.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

that reminds me of this old story my branpa used to tell me as we peed into the ocean.

"honk honk"

"who's there?"

"honker"

"are you a honky?"

"yes."

"then knock -- asshole."

"i'm a goose ASSHOLE!"

"they call geese honkies too?"

"in hawaii they do because honkies are haulies in hawaii."

"Well ok. I'm sorry."

"Honk Honk"

"Who's there?"

"I was just saying goodbye, geese say "honk honk" for both hello and goodbye. it's like aloha."

"how do you say merry christmas?"

"honky honkmas."

"how about happy easter?"

"honky easthonk".

"what bout honky tonk music?"

"fun ass shit."

"oh."

"honk honk."

"see ya later."

"i wasn't leaving yet."

"oh, who's there?"

"i was saying thank you. remember, it's like aloha."

"aloha doesn't mean thank you, that's mahalo."

"oh."

"you're not a goose."

"what else does aloha mean?"

"I love you."

"mahalo."

(then they make out. one goose and a dog who is holding a sandwich with a new opposable thumb he bought off ebay. but the goose is clearly a cat. weird.)

the end.

 

Blogger B is a gaywad.

I don't have a phone any more, I gave it away...

So I'll just sit in the dark in the corner of my kitchen and cry...

I don't have rad friends that invite me to their parties, my only friends are the shadows that cut my toes and stick things in my ears

 

Anonymous melina is a gaywad.

hi hi merkley???!!!

what hair products do you use? i'll be sure and avoid them...

haha! alex blaggie boy sent me.

happy fooking birthday to you! you are ALMOST as old as this old hag!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

billie,

shadows. you mean black people? or goths?

i got a bug in my ear once. it may as well have been king kong.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks melina.

 

Blogger Jamie is a gaywad.

Happy Birthday. Oh wait, opposites day is over?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks jamie!

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Hey Beardy,

I sent you a letter and it came back marked 'unclaimed'.

It was fucking hilarious too.


Oh well.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

crap bunks,
i had some mail issues. this korean mailman hates me if i don't check my mail every fucking day. sometimes i will go a week or two without checking the mail and he sends it all back till i learn to behave myself. i even have a mail slot in the door that i have told him to use. but no -- he is a fucking dick.

i think i'll dump old soup on his head.

 

Blogger kiddo is a gaywad.

happy belated birthday.
my friend shares the same birthday as you. and guess what, i haven't even wished her a happy bday.

do you feel special yet?

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

FUCK! I WAS HOPING THAT YOU WOULDN'T NOTICE THAT I JUST MIXED TOGETHER A CAN OF CHEF BOY-R-DEE AND ADDED MAYONAAISE WITH A DASH OF JALAPENO TOBASCO! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

I need to get better recipes.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

funky,
is that what that was? see how i trick you out of your recipies?

 

Post a Comment

June 11, 2005

What Happened Here???

We live in a new day, where conversations are routinely recorded and saved on disks. Here is one from yesterday. I honestly don't know what happened. I invite you -- no --- ask you -- wait -- BEG you, my friends, random strangers, mortal enemies and the Queen of England (I'm pretty sure she reads my blog) to analyze this conversation and tell me what the fuck my problem is. --- or, maybe I don't really have a problem, I honestly don't fucking know.

The conversation was on aol IM.

Woman: hi
Woman: do you like cheap trick?
merkley???: sure
1:25 PM
merkley???: mostly for memories
merkley???: i'd never seek it out
Woman: i have a song that's been stuck in my head for a few days now
merkley???: which?
Woman: mandocello i think it's called
Woman: do you know it?
merkley???: i'm not sure
merkley???: how do the words go?
Woman: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, i can hear you laughing. but you're a million miles away or your near
Woman: but it keeps starting with a long drawn out iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
merkley???: hmmn
Woman: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii know the thoughts your thinking
1:30 PM
Woman: i dont know
Woman: maybe you wouldn't know it
merkley???: yeah

(a few minutes pass)

merkley???: i just pulled it up on itunes
merkley???: i dont recognize it
Woman: ok. well nevermind then
1:35 PM
merkley???: did you have more to say about it?
Woman: it's been stuck in my head for a few days
merkley???: where did you hear it?
Woman: well i have the cd but i always forget about it
Woman: but the other night at my friend XXXXXX's when we played records all night we listened to that
Woman: and he just told us a story about it so we listened to it again
Woman: and ever since, it's been in my head
1:40 PM

(a few minutes pass)

merkley???: funny
merkley???: i just downloaded a cover version of that song by concrete blonde and now i remember the original
Woman: hahaha
Woman: weird
Woman: like you didn't recognize the orginal
merkley???: the itunes clip was too short
Woman: oh oh
Woman: i see
1:45 PM
Woman: well anyway, that song is a major guilty pleasure of mine
Woman: as are most cheap trick songs
merkley???: why guilty?
merkley???: there is no guilt in music
Woman: there is when you listen to the same song like 300 times in a row
merkley???: guilty implies that you aren't supposed to like it
Woman: i don't care what it implies
Woman: it's a figure of speech
merkley???: i know
merkley???: perhaps we hear the figure of speech differently
Woman: perhaps
1:50 PM
merkley???: guilty pleasure has always implied that you would be ashamed to admit it -- like say you are a really big fan of the spice girls and all of your friends think you are lame because of it
Woman: i know what it means
merkley???: ok
merkley???: i just never heard of anyone being ashamed or embarassed about cheap trick
Woman: is there a point you are trying to prove?
merkley???: jesus
merkley???: clam down
Woman: b/c i'm not sure why we are still discusing my choice of words
merkley???: no
merkley???: i'm trying to understand what you mean
merkley???: is that wrong?
Woman: no, but i don't mean anything important by it
Woman: i wasn't even thinking about it when i said it
merkley???: well then its ok to ask what you meant?
Woman: but you didn't ask what i meant
Woman: you told me why what i said was not what i meant
merkley???: i said "why guilty?"
merkley???: thats a question
Woman: and told me there is no guilt in music
merkley???: then i gave my definition
Woman: which implies that what i said was wrong
merkley???: oh brother
merkley???: you are unquestionable
Woman: no. but i don't really think this is a very important issue
merkley???: i wasn't insulting you
Woman: like one that needs to be dissected and analyzed
merkley???: so then why the big deal?
Woman: b/c i don't like to obsess over something that i don't even care about
1:55 PM
Woman: i'd rather you pick apart my thoughts on something i even consider
merkley???: i will refrain from getting clarification or starting conversation in the future
merkley???: sheesh
Woman: there we go with the all or nothing
merkley???: it was a simple question followed by a simple statement of my point of view
Woman: at first
merkley???: and then you got all defensive
Woman: it could have ended when you said "perhaps our definitions are different"
Woman: i said "perhaps"
merkley???: but then we both continued the discussion
Woman: i'm not defensive about this in particular
Woman: just that most of what i say gets this treatment
merkley???: huh?
merkley???: i have no idea what you are talking about
merkley???: what is so wrong with me having a discussion about the figure of speech "guilty pleasure"?
Woman: b/c often times your "discussions" come off as lessons
merkley???: for all i know you think cheap trick is lame and for losers
merkley???: and so you turn around and give me the lesson instead?
merkley???: i dont get it
Woman: i don't think i gave any lesson
merkley???: you are giving me one now
Woman: other than telling you i don't care too much about this subject
merkley???: about how to communicate
2:00 PM
Woman: step #2 reverse the accusation
merkley???: nice
merkley???: step three
merkley???: identify the subjects problem
merkley???: step 4
merkley???: there he goes again
Woman: no that was the first step
Woman: then once the subjects problem is identified
Woman: you reverse it and pretend the it's the problem identifyers problem
merkley???: look how you are turning this into my character flaw
Woman: oh, i thought you loved doing things like this
Woman: my mistake
merkley???: and i was just getting clarification on whether or not you thought it was LAME to like cheap trick
Woman: if you don't we can stop at any time
Woman: well i don't
Woman: so there
merkley???: good

(a few minutes pass)

merkley???: wtf?
merkley???: i have no idea what that was about
merkley???: please identify where i was wrong or preachy or whatever set you off

(a few more minutes pass -- enough time for me to re-read it twice)

2:05 PM
merkley???: whatever
merkley???: read it again
merkley???: i wasnt being a jerk
merkley???: you were
2:10 PM
Woman: i'm really not interested in arguing about who is at fault either
Woman: chances are we would read it and view it the same way
Woman: considering only 5 minutes has passed

Much later, after a nice meal with some of my best and oldest friends, I made the mistake of bringing the conversation up again JOKINGLY and long story short -- it went the same way only worse and we ended up both stomping off in opposite directions.

So? Thoughts? Am I a fuckhead? Our conversations seem to go like this a lot. I don't know why. I'm asking. Teach me people.

That's all for now,

Don't get caught blah blah blah,

Your blah blah blah,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

merkley???
she sounds like every woman i ever knew.
i like how she says she won't go back and read it even though you know that she probably did go back and read it (see the time). it's obvious she was trying to end the conversation without admiting to being completely irrational, insecure and defensive.

what you should learn from this is to never ever challenge a woman on anything ever ever.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

anony,
thanks. you are probably right.

who are you?

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

I don't think you're a jerk in this conversation and I don't think *she* does either! I think she thinks your a jerk for other convos (which the readers arent privy too) and she's draggin that pent up anger into this conversation.

Example:
WOMAN: its just that most of what i say gets this treatment

WOMAN: often times your "discussions" come off as lessons

You've pissed her off in the past by being preachy or whatever and she's just waiting to call you on it again, even if it's not what you're doing.

I do this all the time with my IM buddy Smith. I am just waiting for him to bring up certain things so I can flip out.

Remember you once told me that if somethings bothering me too much, I'm just not ignoring it enough?

Et tu, Brute.

ps: I think Brutus was a red head too

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

who i am doesn't really matter, what you are looking for is unbiased opinion right?

right.

anyway, another thing i noticed was that it should be obvious to her that you weren't attacking her and that you probably really like her. who else would take the time to look up and download a song just to follow another persons line of conversation? did she not notice that?

that's what you get for being interested in a girl.

you cant talk to a woman the way you talk to a man.

for example, when you said "why guilt" you have used one of her words. don't do that. in ordre for a womans brain to function properly, the door must be opened completely and all answers in the universe must be available to her not just a specific idea for a specific moment. if you really wanted an answer, you should have said: "ha ha ha ha, you are sooooo totally right, say fine woman, tell me more about whatever is on your mind, mine is empty, please fill it with your thoughts. you are wonderful."

see the big difference? you are asking a question, but it isn't challenging in any way.

another option would have been to tell her to shut the fuck up and listen. if you are gonna teach a woman a lesson about something, it's better to scare the fuck out of her. chicks only like authority if it means they might get fucked. your sensitivity in this situation was totally gay.

male sensitivity is the fastest way to dry out a vagina.

basically, either be a pussy and be owned or be a dick and own the pussy. those are your options.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

holly,
true. but she would NEVER admit to bringing something up later or having residual annoyance dragged into a new conversation. in fact, last night, as we argued on a street corner she was totally pissed that i was even discussing this earlier conversation. she said,

"well you should have brought it up then"

but of course when i did bring it up then she refused to discuss it. there is truly no debating this woman on anything. when she says something, it's gospel. no discussion allowed.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

anon

well, you certainly have some points although you sound a bit sexist, i don't believe all women are like that. what about women who go around with little skinny emo dudes? surely women like that dont want to be manhandled.

but you are right, in my experience, nothing "drys up a vagina" faster than emotional availability.

how does your "anonymous" status increase your credibility as "unbiased"?

just say who you are.

do i know you?

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Merkley! When did you get married? Congratulations! If you are registered somewhere, let me know and I will mail out the napkin rings ASAP.

This is the gig, she was in a bad mood, she was looking for an argument, being a woman, I know this to be factual. (see all crap from me below) Sometimes women know they are wrong and will not admit it until much, much later when the blood stops flowing, or their hair is ok, or the dishes are done or until the guy they are torturing goes away for a while. You two sound close, she can pull this and get away with it, it's love, duh. Give her space she'll be nice tomorrow and maybe even admit she was being irrational and silly.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
it's unlikely i will ever hear from her again. especially if/when she reads this blog.

but yes. i do think it has something to do with something to do with something to do.

 

Anonymous NiceGuy is a gaywad.

"Woman" is obviously quite touchy about Cheap Trick.

Cheap Trick are from Rockford.

Rockford is consistently ranked as one of worst places to live in the country.

So maybe she is just bitter about her hometown.

A guy I knew in grade school now "walks blocks" in Rockford.

Illinois has some shit towns: Aurora, Rockford, East St. Louis ( = toxic waste dump), Gary (practically in Illinois)...if it weren't for Chicago, it would pretty much another dumpy Midwest state filled with corn and Cleetuses driving pickups.

I don't know where I'm going with this.

San Francisco is way much better, so you should feel superior to Cheap Trick and the woman (if she's from Rockford?).

Bottom line: I don't think the female sex in general enjoys contentious debate and discussion as much as the male.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

You've got the nuts to ask us "Am I a fuckhead?" Isn't that like wearing a "kick me" sign?

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Wait, wait, wait a minute...I've been really thinking about this and trying to see it thru her eyes. Maybe she was sending you a subliminal message by discussing the song with you. Do the lyrics have a message intended for you, and maybe she was hoping you might get the message and you went off on all this "guilty" crap which was WAAAY off topic for her? She kept trying to get you to stop and get back on topic. She wanted to talk about that song and Cheap Trick. By saying it was her "guilty pleasure" she was telling you she really, really likes the song and maybe you should like it too. See? I think she very much likes you and wants you to like her. I hope you two make up.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

cheap trick is a really, really stupid thing to talk about on instant messenger, nevermind bicker about. a discussion of the metaphor of guilty plea...oh fuck it.


you are too a jerk. but in a pleasant, funny way, like an ornery bum or something.

 

Anonymous bryon is a gaywad.

What a bunch of brown-nosers. Sheesh!

You were being a complete dick! You were completely trying to be the "intellectual hero," and save her from any future self-induced embarrassment - so you thought, but really all that just = being a dick. I do that kinda crap all the time. Like a girl's going to be impressed by how many times I correct her on her own stupidity. Yeah, it doesn't work. Plus, even if you really were genuinely just trying to figure out what she meant (Cheap Trick is "lame and for losers." There's no question about that. So, from your definition, she did use the term correctly. I know it, you know it, she knows it.), that's the inherent problem with type - it's nearly impossible to truly read the writers emotion, tone of voice, etc. So, misunderstandings are bound to happen, and I don't know that more "dick" is the way to clear your name.

And to all your buddy's commenting with crap like, "Sounds like women, those bitches is soooo dumb." Those fags are obviously just trying to get a ride on the merkley??? express. Come on!!

Yeah ... you were being a dick. But we all do if from time to time.



Go easy on me.

 

Anonymous Lala is a gaywad.

(a) I completely agree with the Illinois comment, and think it was a valid point.

(b) One of my pet peeves is when someone calls something their "guilty pleasure," but somehow come off that they're bragging about it. I'm kitschy, I like cheesy pop, look at me! [It's right up there with my annoyance of the overuse/misuse of the word ironic, which will drive me into a violent frenzy.] Not that Cheap Trick is necessarily cheesy pop, because I like Cheap Trick. I'll own up to anything I listen to, and if it is literally a guilty pleasure, I won't tell anyone that I listen to it.

(c)Obviously she had her period. You should have called her out on that, then she definitely would have gone off the deep end.

p.s. I'm a girl, I should know.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

NiceGuy,

Woman isn't from Illinois, but she is from a town many consider to be the buthhole of california if not the entire west coast.

I'm don't know where I'm going with this either, but I do feel a little more educated about Cheap Trick and Illinois.

and i think i might agree with you partly about the part where you said that women don't enjoy debate as much as men. it's not so much that they dont enjoy debating, it's that they don't enjoy following any rules of debate and they certainly don't enjoy losing.

btw if you want to accuse me of mass generalization, you are totally wrong. everything i say when i say "WOMEN" applies to every single woman on the face of the planet because women are all EXACTLY THE SAME WITH NO VARIATION WHATSOEVER!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Digikitten,

Nuts are to be cracked.

what else is there to say?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

nah, she's not the type for that subliminal crap. that kind of thing would make her vomit.

but yeah, i'm sure we will be friends after she gets finished disemboweling me and turning my balls into PEE - NUTT - BUTTER, after she reads this Monday morning.

If i don't post for a few days after monday morning, call the cops, I am probably dead. she is the one who killed me.

maybe this is all like that Suicide By Cop Thing. only its Suicide By Chick on The Rag.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Gaby,

"Ornery Bum" is soooo right, and it totally Matches my appearance these days.

BTW, It's my Birthday tomorrow whicch of course means i have about 36 hours left of being right about EVERYTHING.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Bryon.

Yup. You nailed it. I was being a total dick. "Inellectual heroism" is what it is all about. thanks for pointing that out. I think I have been doing it for so long that I don't even see that I am doing it.

I'm not being sarcastic either.

In my defense, for the last ten years or so I have been aware that I am a teacher/preacher by nature. and regularly make self-depricating jokes about it.

when i first figured this out i was really shocked and bummed out by it. but then i realized that it takes all kinds of communication and communicators to keep things stirred up the right way and i embraced this quality in myself. this example is an example of one of those times when i delluded myself into thinking that i was doing something other than what i was really doing.

my dellusion and misrepresentation was that i was being a student when it is clear that i was really trying to pass on my great wisdom with the whole "there is no guilt in music" thing. I was teaching. not learning. had I fessed up to that, at least the debate would have taken on the real issue which is whether or not teaching is a bad thing or not.

so -- that brings us to this. i think i was being a dick for not openly admitting to TEACHING and I think she was being a dick for expecting me to behave in any fashion not true to my nature as teacher/preacher.

It is ok to teach if you feel like there is a lesson to be taught. Teachers stick their necks out. If we want to criticize a teacher, we should go after what is wrong with the lesson and not the idea that being a teacher is somehow lame.

anyway.

"merkley??? express" ha!

also -- best part, is that you are playing intellectual hero right now.

it can be fucking difficult to be right.

 

Anonymous bryon is a gaywad.

Yeah ... but you asked for it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lala,

yes, i do believe she was having female issues. while i can get suicidal at times, it's only for fun and dramatic effect, i didn't bring it up because in reality i don't really want to die.

also, yes, misrepresentation, both mine and hers is really how this whole thing became a blog post/disscussion.

to use the term "guilty pleasure" is totally self serving and condescending. I hate it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bryon,

yup, i did ask for it, "BEG" was one of the words i used.

so i appreciate it. thanks.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

I don't get why you felt the need to "teach" your friend. Just because you declare to the universe that you are a teacher doesn't mean everyone should just accept you for who you are and take a beating...um, er, "lesson". You're a self appointed teacher, in laymans terms that is a "know it all". Nobody likes a "know it all". You don't "know it all" and Im sure you "know" that. Wow, poor chick, I hope she kicks your ass...AGAIN! All, this being said, I bet it is lonely at the top.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

alright wendy
let's not get off track here. while i admit to jerkery now and then, it's not like i was trying to be a jerk in this case.

if there is one thing i remember from my childhood it's that we should treat people how we'd like to be treated ourselves.

i like to be taught.

i am NEVER offended if someone wants to correct my english, or straighten me out when i've got my facts wrong. in fact i appreciate it and generally form my best friendships with people who are willing to do just that.

teching/learning, is not about being a KNOW-IT-ALL, in fact it;s quite the opposite. it is an attitude based on learning and accepting new views and modifying your own.

and besides that, most all communication can be stripped down to the teacher student relationship, we pass on bits of information we have in trade for bits of information others have.

if you want to really stretch it, it might even be fair to say that when one is in the teaching postion, one is GIVING while the student is TAKING.

it really is a peeve of mine when people feign humilty and never teach for fear of being labeled a KNOW-IT-ALL. it's selfish and condescending.

i feel the same way when people say bullshit about NAME-DROPPING. there are some arrogant assholes in this world who won't tell a story or they will edit it in a manner as to make it less authentic when the story contains famous people or people of greater influence. THIS KIND OF THING IS BULLSHIT.

if you have information, fucking share it.

but that's a whole different post entirely. i could rant on that for days.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

If you weren't being jerkey, why did she storm off? The lesson she was trying to teach you was a song by Cheap Trick, you being the said student in this case changed rolls, becoming teacher, and the class became "guilty pleasure". She never got to finish class...god this is dumb. whatever, she's mad, but I think your intentions were good, you are obviously upset and you have tried to ananlyze it thru your blog...good luck with this experiment.

 

Anonymous lalalalani is a gaywad.

Personally this reminds me of conversations I have with my better half upstairs- Me, insatiably and chronically curious, seeking to explore the hidden but infuriatingly obvious implications of word choice in conversation. Of course, this type of rigor is exhausting for most conversationalists stupid enough to talk to me as sane people just want to assume the implied meaning of a message has been conveyed and move on to the next topic of discussion. Unfortunately, because of some quirk in my synapse construction, I am constantly questioning whether I really did just "get it." Was what I heard what was meant to be conveyed?
Do they know what was conveyed by what they said? And if not, why did they choose to use that particular word?...Like I said, exhausting. I don't think you were an asshole, just exhaustingly and unnecessarily exacting. Can sometimes come across preachy, but always ridiculously analytic when most conversation is made for the pure pleasure of "shooting the shit."

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

you guys just need to throw on some "I want you to want ME" and make out on a couch. That will solve it all.

 

Anonymous lalalalani is a gaywad.

Holly is right on.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

I really would like to hear the other side...I hope she will post and identify herself so all of us worlwide can enjoy the plight. May God have mercy on your...testiculars. OH! Let me be the first to wish you a very Hap, Hap Happy "39th" birthday. ;) I know it isn't 'til tomorrow, but I am very competetive and want to be first.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

anyway, thanks everyone for chiming in on this weird thing.

i agree with lani, i tend to get excruciatingly boring and tedious on certain issues.

"Woman" and I have had pleasant communication since. i know its stupid to write about stuff like this here, most would probably agree that it offends certain standards of privacy and what not. but you know what? i dont mind living part of my life in a blog. the world is a different place now. i'm willing to be part of the experiment even if it means that i will be required to engage myself in liong discussions about whether or not its right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy.

hopefully, some people will understand.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Wow. My vagina has never been dryer.

 

Anonymous rebecca is a gaywad.

Ok, I didn’t read every ignorant comment on this rant but….

You are fucking kidding right? Doesn’t it gross you out that you are starting to attract a bunch of misogynist men and women to your blog?

“male sensitivity is the fastest way to dry out a vagina.”
(I have fucked the living shit out of many a girlie man you fucking douche.)

“I don't think the female sex in general enjoys contentious debate and discussion as much as the male.”
(me = high school policy debate state champion, last one at the party arguing a point to the death with factual and rational finesse, suckered into throwing comments into hopeless biased and revenge driven threads like this one exactly because I value debate and discussion.)

“Obviously she had her period. You should have called her out on that, then she definitely would have gone off the deep end.”
(Maybe women just have smaller brains too, should I get my measuring tape?)

“it's not so much that they dont enjoy debating, it's that they don't enjoy following any rules of debate and they certainly don't enjoy losing.”
(What exactly are the rules merkley???)

I imagine you can dismiss everything I say as some sort of “you may be the exception to the rule” bullshit but that is laziness. There is no fucking rule.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

rebecca,

not grossed out.

i don't see anyone that even comes close to being a MISOGYNIST, and you tossing that word around says more about you than any of them.

"Dry out a vagina" comment = funny.

You using the words "fucking douche", (something that would inherently WET a vagina, and the "fucking" part, wow, that's even too deep for me to comprehend -- ha ha -- i said "deep") to describe someone who would say something so insensitive as "male sensitivity is the fastest way to dry out a vagina" = HILARIOUS!

hey, high school state champ, what do you call it when someone tosses words like RACISM and MISOGYNY around? rational? fair?

the possibility that a woman's cycle leads to hormones which might possibly effect the way she communicates = smaller brain. why would you even infer something like that? nobody else did.

the rules? reason, fairness. or reactionary kicking and screaming. i don't care. do what you like.

i'm not dismissing everything you say as an exception to the rule. in fact i think you have shown yourself to be completely reactionary, irrational, unfair, and a good example of the stereotype.

say, are you on your period?

HA HA HA!!!

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

AWESOME! Holy shit! That was great! I can't stand how great that was! I hate women who refuse to believe that hormones have an effect on their life...that made my day.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

i dont hate rebecca. in fact i think she is an extremely talented artist. she's even nice when she wants to be.

but mannn, when she gets a case of the cramps DUCK!

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

I never said you hated Rebecca. She is talented, I looked at her work.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Whats with all thse words. Theres far too many of them.

Currently I'm not sure whether to fart, scratch my balls or both.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

I think you fucked up when you told her to 'clam down'.

Never tell a woman to Clam down.

Perhaps if you suggested she Scallop about, or even
Limpet to and fro.. Jesus Merkley, Oyster around would have been acceptable.

But Clam down?

Mate, its plain and simple, you just fucked up.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

sir bunkton,
I do believe you are correct. in fact the minute those words flew out of my fingers i knew i had fucked up.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

alright rebecca,

you have sent me some pretty stupid emails that got pretty ridiculous and off track. lets just rewind and go over line for line why your comment was utterly absurd and completely retarded.

i mean read this bullshit you wrote. and you think i'm going to treat you respectfully?


Ok, I didn’t read

obviously

every ignorant comment

how would you know if they were ignorant if you didn't read them?

on this rant

no rant -- repost of an iChat conversation with a question for my readers to answer.

but….

You are fucking kidding right?


kidding about what? that i was confused about what happened during the conversation and later that night? no.

Doesn’t it gross you out that you are starting to attract a bunch of misogynist men and women to your blog?

a bunch? name them. show me how these people on my blog HATE women. name even one. give me evidence of hatred towards women, or be more specific, show some evidence of any hatred towards any woman at all. also show me how you don't HATE these imagined misogynists on this blog.


“male sensitivity is the fastest way to dry out a vagina.”

funny no? -- hmmmn -- any smidge of truth there? we only need enough to find it funny, we aren't on a fact finding mission here. this ain't a science class, it's a blog that talks mostly about boogers and poop.

(I have fucked the living shit out of many a girlie man

why? what does that have to do with every vagina in the world? is yours the global vagina? were we talking about your vagina? and what makes a man like a woman -- or --- eerrrmm a girlie? what is a girlie like? describe a girlie man. does he have a vagina? what traits are you talking about here? female traits? name some. why did you fuck these so called men that are like girlies? aren't all men and women essentially the same? did these girlie men cry more than your average man? do women cry more? why? where are you going with this? we need way more information. and how hard did you fuck them? were you angry? were you dominating these girlies as you fucked them or did you stick something up there rectums and actually pull some kind of living shit out of them? was it a dildo? what would that represent? or did you ride them like a cowboy so hard that they pooped the bed? why didn't you caress them gently? do men like that? please explain the violent tone in this fucking that you did to these girlie men who may or may not be sensitive or really violent like you -- a woman -- or ummm errr a "girlie". does fucking the living shit out of someone differ in any way from making love to someone gently and slowly? do people have preferences? do you? are there any global turn offs or turn ons? any data there rebecca?

you fucking douche.)

douche? you mean the liquid that women squirt into the vagina to keep them wet and fresh? are you saying that i am a girlie man and i make you wet or are you saying that i represent the insensitive tough male that gets a woman wet by pushing her up against the door and flipping her around in bed so she is right where he wants her to be? is this a compliment or an insult? you are a tough read.


“I don't think the female sex in general enjoys contentious debate and discussion as much as the male.”

sounds like a hypothesis -- say what do you think? --- again, lets have you define femininity -- expound on the girlie man concept if you wish.

(me = high school policy debate state champion,

long time ago -- change much? wow -- the glory days. HELLO UTAH!!!

last one at the party arguing

no -- really?

a point to the death

when does a point actually DIE? do you kill them? is that your purpose to destroy any point ever asserted? are you a point killer?

with factual

got any on this? facts that is, how about some facts on girlie men -- if you can't find any, a good story about a hermaphrodite will do. if you could, i would appreciate some facts on iChat discussions between lovers, that is after all what this post was about.

and rational

where? show me an example of one of your rational arguments.

finesse,

you mean like "fucking douche?" like "girlie man" you mean like walking into the room screaming?

suckered

who tricked you?

into throwing comments

throwing is quite accurate, they certainly do lack finesse -- and they lack arguments.

into hopeless

who is hopeless? what is hopeless? who on this blog has no hope?

biased

what bias? you mean like when you barged in and called everyone a misogynist without even, according to your own words, "reading every one of" what you obviously only could have guessed would have been "ignorant comments."

is lani, a yale grad lesbian ex- mormon biased against women? i know her wonderful woman girlfriend. i also know how much she loves our other women friends.
is wendy biased against women? she is a woman. hmmmn -- i'm confused.
is holly biased against women? she is a woman too. and she seems to be leaning towards the woman who is the subject of this post.
am i biased? is it because i have a penis?
what about bryon? he told me i was being a dick. i agreed with him after he pointed it out. where was my bias then?
anonymous -- shit, we don't even know who that person is. it could be you for all i know. shit, maybe it was me. who fucking knows about his/her bias?

and revenge driven

against who? where is the revenge? who wronged who? who is the perp, who is the victim? where are these stories? and who's vengance are you seeking now?

threads like this one

which you admittedly didn't read. also -- show me some others that are people like me asking for input about a conversation with a girl i like that didn't go so well. show me one single thread like this one into which you were suckered into throwing comments.

exactly because I value debate and discussion.)

"Class, the first thing you do in a debate is walk into the room and call everyone a terrible name and admit you know nothing about (didn't even read) what they wrote but that you assume that they are "ignorant" and "revenge driven" -- discuss.

you will be graded on pith and bitterness. good luck.


“Obviously she had her period. You should have called her out on that, then she definitely would have gone off the deep end.”

hey, fair debater, what would be a better way to respond to this assertion?

a. call the accuser a misogynist

b. ask how it was "obvious" (to me it was not) but the accuser might have some info that you do not.

c. call her a girlie man.

and also, does a woman's cycle and how it affects her communication ever merit discussion? should we burn any book on the subject? pms -- hmmmmn -- fact or fiction? -- or is pms really an invention of man to oppress and discredit women? where do cramps come from? do they feel good? does the accuser have any personal experience with cramps or pms --- emotionally or physically? or is she just a misogynist for mentioning the menstrual cycle in context of a discussion on communication between men and women? how far out of bounds is our yale grad lesbian ex-mormon commenter? care to discuss it with her O Great and Mighty High School Debate Champ?

(Maybe women just have smaller brains too, should I get my measuring tape?)

do they? what about midget women? what about a penis? do they have one of those? yes, get your measuring tape. what does this have to do with the problem we are trying to solve here which is: why did the above conversation between merkley??? and a woman named "Woman" not work out so well? You have yet to respond to any of that. maybe you didn't read the actual post either.


“it's not so much that they dont enjoy debating, it's that they don't enjoy following any rules of debate and they certainly don't enjoy losing.”
(What exactly are the rules merkley???)


ahhh one smidge of fair questioning in a whole pile of poop. YOU MADE A FAIR POINT!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!


I imagine you can dismiss everything I say as some sort of “you may be the exception to the rule” bullshit

i don't think you are an exception, you seem to epitomize the stereotype.

but that is laziness.

no laziness here. now where are those specific points and arguments you were making in a completely tame and rational way?

There is no fucking rule.

so what are you upset about? if there is no rule then any rule is fine. certainly you have a lot of rules.

Rebecca, you were completely out of line and you should be embarrassed for yourself.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

anyway,
no more cut and paste ichat disasters i promise --- hey wait a minute. that could be a new blog. ichatdisasters.com

hmmmmmn

i was crossing my fingers

 

Blogger B is a gaywad.

blah blah blah...

The answer to your question "what happened here" is simple...

Shes a bit nuts and needs to up her medication

She said like a thousand times that she didnt want to discuss this any more... but what did she do???? She kept discussing it!
hmmmmmmmm real smart...

But I don't mean any of this if she's a friend of yours...hahaha (cos that wouldn't surprise me either)

Do you know how to take the bottle top off a beer with a lighter? I can't seem to do it and all my friends can (one even does it with a fish slice 'once were warriors' style bro) Anyway I need some tips

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

WOW! Since I was mentioned and since I generalized about "hating women who don't believe hormones affect their lives", I would like to add one more thing. It bothered me and I am glad you called her to the mat on not reading all the comments. How can you comment on something you don't read? Some women feel discriminated against by men and try to create equal footing by denying who they are and how their bodies work. We have the very famous Gloria Steinman female Nazi to thank for this. You Man, Me Woman. We are NOT equal...hold on girls...our intelligence may be equal, our hearts may be equal, our souls, our creativity...BUT, our bodies are not the same. We had to be different or our species would have been extinct many a year ago. Moods, pain, blood...all a real part of womens existance, why won't women face this? Now, if someone brings it up even in a joking manner we are labeled ugly, ugly things. Misogyny, ironicly is right next to another word in my dictionary: misology: n distrust or hatred of reasoning, argument, or knowledge. If, we all being mysogynists perhaps Rebecca is a misologist. Labels, good times.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

oh, and Merkley, this is your blog, and we are here mearly for the ride, NEVER apologize and alter your content because we think you should or should not. Don't self censor, you write for you, not us.

 

Anonymous lalalalani is a gaywad.

1) I am not lala- although because I commonly refer to myself by the slightly ridiculous moniker lalalalani, I can understand how I was assumed to be the author of said "offensive" post.
2) I could very well have written what lala wrote and am not in the least offended by the fake credit phenomenon referred to in point 1).
3) Although it is certainly terribly reveling when a man or woman uses the "you must have your period, so your point is invalid" approach, this cowardly act is not commensurate nor does it invalidate the suggestion that someone's hormonal makeup would affect the style of argumentation one pursues. This is an empirical question and certainly not misogynist. Besides, I think such a suggestion is no more offensive than simply pointing out that Merkley has a dick and that THAT probably influenced to some extent his position and approach. I'm sure he would be the first to admit that dicks as well as periods have more influence on our conversations than we would normally like to acknowledge…
L- Who is a purely rational disembodied being unlike you losers.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Menstruation does not make a "point invalid", nobody said that. If anything I think some of my most honest, brave, moments have been while under the influence of estrogen, progesterone and FSH....

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

~cue light bulb moment~ Maybe Merkley's friend while under the influence of hormones, FINALLY had the whereforall to stand up to him...

 

Anonymous lalalalani is a gaywad.

Wendy,
I didn't mean to suggest that anyone said that menstruation invalidates one's argument, but I did (perhaps prematurely) assume that Rebecca’s personal experiences with such claims perhaps contributed to her knee-jerk reaction. I completely agree with you, although I like to be as rational as possible while still admitting that strokes of genius or infamy in conversation may be hormonally influenced.
Yay!
L

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

yes. thanks, you are right. my blog. i shant forget.

ummm, yeah, "woman" really is a friend. while i'd like to just blame it on hormones or as you say, even give some credit, i'm afraid that we often have this dynamic in our conversations.

it takes two to tango. although its fun to really analyze and disect, the answers are pretty simple sometimes.

trust me, my friend certainly has never lacked any courage to "stand up to me"

and hey -- i'm almost ready for a new post!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lani,

it's not like we will ever disagree on anything. probably.

kinda boring really i guess -- but AWESOMELY BORING IN THE MOST FABULOUS WAY IMAGINABLE!! HOOORAYYY!!!!

I'm glad we are on the same team.

there are some smart fucking commenters on my blog. i don't care what rebecca says.

 

Anonymous paula is a gaywad.

i couldn't get to a computer and had to read this whole freaking thing on my camera phone. it took me forever.

this was better than a soap opera.

good luck with your love life.

ha!

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

"A Misogynist is a man who hates women as much as women hate each other,"

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

BUNKS RULES!!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

billie,

i don't drink beer -- so sorry i can't be of more help. i stick with the hard stuff. i cant be fucking around with "less filling" "tastes great" i got shit to do,

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

paula --
really? on a phone? wow.

 

Anonymous paula is a gaywad.

Merkley, you are one great big ungrateful fuck. yes. on a fucking phone. crap, this is one boring vacation. family reunion: mommy loved you more than me, bitch, bitch, gripe, and bitch. whatever.

i think you should cut rebecca some slack. she's obviously made an effort to wade through an enormous lake of bullshit to get to that little pathetic island you call a heart. grow up, already. she's probably too young for you, anyway.

shit, you're old enough. Ha!Ha! you are one old motherfucker!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

paula,
rebecca is my same age, grew up mormon in the same town, hung out in the same scene, went to the same clubs and parties, now she operates in the same profession. no slack needs to be cut. she'd call me a misogynist if i did.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Just when I thought I was done with all this, Paula shows up and is on the rag. Grab some Midol chick, and chill.

 

Post a Comment

June 07, 2005

Hooray for Brian Peppers!!

Hey! Let's have fun in honor of one of my biggest heroes, Brian Peppers, who is so deformed (differently formed) from a condition known as Apert's syndrome that he occasionally gets arrested for exposing himself to little girls and strangers because, let's face it, when a man is so handsome, sometimes the only right thing to do is SHARE! Sound fun? Great.



Today's jokes will be in form of a quiz because quiz rhymes with jizz and jizz is downright FUN especially when it might be Brian Peppers' jizz. HOORAY!!!

1. Brian Peppers is:

A) handsome.

B) sausage.

C) handsome sausage.

D) The entire cast of Mississippi Burning ground up and crammed into a pig intestine making him an Incredibly Socially Conscious and Handsome Sausage Conflicted with his Desire for Social Justice, Racial Unity and his Lifetime Membership in the KKK!

E) The answer would be D but it's redundant because it is already mentioned that he is handsome and/or sausage in A, B, C, and D, Learn how to make a quiz Queernutts!

Answer:
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
V
V
V


E!

Brian Peppers is a CABLE NETWORK SPECIALIZING IN BEAUTIFUL STARS AND HOLLYWOOD GLAMOUR! HOOOOORAY FOR BRIAN PEPPERS!




2. Brian Peppers tastes like:

A) sausage.

B) basil Sausage.

C) Toni Basil's Sausage. (OH MICKEY, YOUR SO FINE, YOUR SO FINE YOU BLOW MY MIND, HEY MICKEY!!)

D) rotten eggs.

E) rotten egg, basil, pepper sausage.


Answer:
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
V
V
V

E!

Brian Peppers tastes like ECSTASY a WONDERFUL DRUG THAT WHEN INGESTED CAUSES ONE TO WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND WHERE THE HELL ARE MY GLOW STICKS?!! DID I LEAVE THEM IN THE CAR? HEY YOU GUYS, I GOTTA GO BACK TO THE CAR, I THINK I LEFT MY GLOW STICKS IN THE CAR!!! HOORAY FOR BRIAN PEPPERS!!! LICK BRIAN PEPPERS!! DON'T FORGET YOUR GLOW STICKS IN THE CAR!! HOORAY!!



3. Brian Peppers' penis looks like:

A) sausage.

B) Michael Jackson's sausage

C) a moldy bell pepper

D) a can of Dr. Pepper

E) meatloaf.

Answer:
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
V
V
V

E!

Brian Peppers' penis looks like THE PORTUGUESE WORD THAT MEANS "AND" AND ALSO THE WORD "IS" SO LONG AS YOU PUT THAT ACCENT THINGY ABOVE IT, WHICH MEANS: BRIAN PEPPERS' WEE WEE, THAT HE EXPOSES TO LITTLE GIRLS, IS AS HARMLESS AS THE THIRD AND NINTH MOST POPULAR WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE EXCEPT IT'S IN PORTUGUESE AND THE PORTUGESE ARE KNOWN FOR THEIR WONDERFUL BASIL PEPPER SAUSAGE!! HOORAY FOR COMPLETELY COMMON PORTUGESE BASIL PEPPER SAUSAGE WEENIES ATTACHED TO BRIAN PEPPERS!! HOORAY BRIAN PEPPERS!! SHOW YOUR SAUSAGE WITH PRIDE BRIAN PEPPERS!! I WANT TO LICK YOU AND MAKE LOVE TO EVERYTHING ON YOUR E! ENTERTAINMENT TELEVISION CABLE TV NETWORK!! CAN YOU INTRODUCE ME TO JOAN RIVERS?? I BOUGHT SOME EAR RINGS FROM HER COLLECTION ON QVC THEY TURNED MY BALL SACK GREEN!! THAT FUCKING WHORE FOSSIL RIPPED ME OFF!! HOORAY FOR BRIAN PEPPERS!!!



End of quiz.

Now tally up your score. If you scored above 50 percent that means you got two of the questions right and one of them wrong or you got all of them right so, better do your home work next time, or, congratulations, whichever applies. In both cases you know Brian Peppers fairly well and are probably mad at me because it seems like I am making fun of him, but I swear to you I am not, in fact he is lying here in bed with me and he is drawing words on my back ---- heee he heee heooo -- he just spelled "boner".

If you scored below fifty percent that means you got two of them wrong or all of them wrong in either case you don't know shit about Brian Peppers so you better think twice before you talk shit about him because what if you had Apert's Syndrome? Would you be a Handsome Socially Conscious Sausage who is a Succesful Cable Network and has a Common "AND (except in Portugese )" Type Penis that when Licked Makes Everybody Feel Like Making Love and Where Are Your Glow Sticks? Did you ever think of that? I didn't think so. Step off Holmesy.

That's all for now!

Don't get caught Peppering your Brian Peppers and licking an E! Sausage!

Your Favorite QVC Shopping channel host,


Joan Rivers.

I mean merkley???

...as he skips off down the middle of the street (only metaphorically because he is actually cuddled in bed with Brian Peppers) singing at the top of his lungs:

"Be a Pepper! Lick Brian Peppers!"

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

I choose answer F.

Which, by the way, you never offered.

F, meaning, where the hell are the sex drugs?...It also means..I'm confused and I didn't read the last 3% of this entry.

I should get kudos for loving the first 90% which also means that I didn't understand the other 7%, which I did read.

I should at least get an A+ for my mathmatical skills.

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

but a D- for my bad spelling of "mathematical"

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Brian Pepper is a convicted sexual offender in ohio or something. i keep running into his face everywhere on the internet. you know me, i cannot resist a bandwagon.

you are right. none of it makes sense.

if you understood 90% of it, that's 50% more than i understood. 50% of 90 is 45 so really only 45% which is like only what 40% anyway -- i don't get any of it. pretty much 0%

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Merkley!!!

why you ....

I got nothing.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,

why i oughtta....

yeah, me niether.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

syndrome or no syndrome you don't show your chorizo to little girls. Only to Merkley....

 

Blogger Ajax is a gaywad.

Wow, that's a lot of typing.

Huey Lewis was on the Jimmy Kimmel show last night. Maybe you are watching the wrong network?

 

Blogger bardot is a gaywad.

you got that stupid "mickey you're so fine" song/cheer thing stuck in my head now.

other than that, um.. yeah.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

are you trying to tell me that i'm NOT a little girl?

JERK.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ajax.

no one knows how to beat a dead horse like yours truly. (insert 10 jokes about dead rotting horses and horse poop and weiners here)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Bardot
Think of that Toni Tone Tony song instead. I don't know how it goes but maybe if you try, you will forget all about Toni Basil.

or you can just think of the meow meow meow meow song from the meow mix comercials.

good luck.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Having a vagina on the end of your arm DOES NOT count as being a little girl...see I pay attention.

 

Blogger r/r is a gaywad.

i'd take E with that guy if we brought his girls

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Oh, one more thing: BIG YUCKY JERK!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

but what about the ribbons in my hair? what about ballet class? what about barbie? what about ummm i dont know ---- other creepy stuff that you can think of me doing that would seem like i think i am a little girl -- probably unicorns and rainbows or something.

ah fuck it.i wish i was in a big tub of hot noodles right now.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

rjennar,

i bet you would. that dude can seriously work the glow sticks too.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ajax,

btw -- i just timed myself reading the post. it takes less than 4 minutes. it only seems like longer becuse it isn't funny.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

tub of hot noodles? Wow that would be so cool, I really think I would like that. Maybe spritz the noodles with olive oil so they would stay slippy, and add Portuguese sausage...hmmmmmm

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

great.

now i'm hungry.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Q: Why did the Brian Pepper cross the road?

A: To stick his thumb up an Orphan's butt.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Q: How many Brian Peppers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: 2, One to screw in the light bulb and the other to turn it off and slither into your daughters bed, panting hot beer breath on her freckled cheeks and button nose while softly stroking her flaxen locks.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

William, there is a huge wide line between humor and perversion somehow you managed to span that line and come off as a total fucking perv. I hope the FBI is keeping an eye on you , you sick fuck.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Wendy,
You have our friend Mr. Bunks all wrong.

Mr. Bunks is merely proficient at a game we used to call "What's Grosser Than Gross".

There may very well indeed be reason to examine why it is that games like this even exist -- but to me -- the reasons are pretty obvious.

If the FBI needs to be watching Mr. Bunks, well they need to be watching mother goose too. Not only that but they need to be watching every bible class across america and beyond where acts such as the one described by my esteemed collegue Sir Bunks are routinely blasted out of the water as TAME.

Let's not confuse the comments made by creative types, who are obviously, to me anyway, pointing out that in fact terrible things do actually happen while we sit here and make our silly jokes about Brian Pepper, with the deeds of a very small number of disoriented, confused, perhaps even EVIL people who DO such things perhaps without even the abilty to articulate what it is, or why they do it.

The DIFFERENCE IS ENORMOUS!

Sometimes, it's OK to be reminded that while we joke and poke fun, a closer look reveals some sheer terror --- and isn't that why we gather for laughs anyway? Is it not to explore what is unsafe -- dangerous even -- in an attempt to find a safe way home?

When a child is playfully tossed into the air, do we not see a look of dread and fear only to have that child land safely back in the arms of her father where we witness that look of fear turn to a look of joy and elation often accompanied by the oh so common childish phrase:

AGAIN! AGAIN!

giggles even -- GIGGLES! Terror to FRICKIN GIGGLES!

Wendy, we agree that the line between humor and perversion is there. That line lies in one's deeds.

If you really wanna get dark,

What if Mr. Pepper never did nuthin to nobody?

What if Mr. Pepper is the nicest person you ever met?

What if people are just burning the monster instead of curing any real ills society faces?

I am familiar with Hunch Back of Notre Dame.

I am familiar with MASK.

This post about Mr. Pepper, much like many of the posts on this here blog is an attempt to find humor where seemingly none exists.

Sometimes, humor is the only way to dam what could easily be a river of fucking tears.

I thank you both for commenting.

Sorry for getting all serious on yall.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

I absolutely agree with you. I seek out challenging reads and people. I do it on purpose so as not to swim in what could be my shallow mind. I deliberately read and discuss and learn what is uncomfortable for me. I am attracted to creativity, art, and talent. Through my years of life I have come out from under my upbringing and have formulated my own ideals on religion, life etc. I do not swim with my core mores, I incorporate them into my personal truth. All this is why I love this blog, half the time I'm laughing, half the time I am in awe. William's post was gruesome and for me personally over the comfort barrier. Don't think I live in a bubble, I am FULLY aware of where danger lies and it probably is not with William but with the Priests at the local cult. This being said, truth and art, and discussion's purpose is to evoke emotion. Hey, You got me emotional. No jokes, no funnies, pissed off, raw emotion. If an artists intent is to evoke emotion than William did his job, yes? You having given the forum, have done yours as well, emotion, raw, love it. Hate it. That's where it is. Oh, where is William's take?

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Wendy

Wendy Who?

Wendy-ou think Brian Pepper is going to remove that Barbie skirt from the base of his warty cock? I mean, it looks nothing like a Barbie.

Yes Dear, but we are adults and can clearly see the difference between a Barbie doll and a deformed mans penis with a Barbie skirt on. See how he hides in those cushions with it poking out, now watch young Gemima here....

This is really quite fascinating.

Yes dear.. shhhh. Just watch

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Q: Why did the Wendy cross the road?

A: Because it was just a road and not the huge wide line between humour and perversion.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

good shit you two.

perhaps i should arrange for a lunch.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Q: How many Wendys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: 9. One to screw in the lightbulb, and one to, now that the light is on, find her crown which proclaims her All Knowing Bastion of Rightfulness and Official Proclaimer of Where The Line Is, one to warn the others that Brian Pepper and Rocky Dennis were in the (dank) room, typing up horrible stories in the dark by feel alone (perverts have extraordinary feeling powers and can feel the letters printed on keyboards, allowing them to type in such dark) and 5 to form a committee to debate whether this Pepper / Dennis novelette should be read by the Wendys in their eternal quest to open and expand their minds into challenging new areas, no matter what dark reaches of the human psyche it may lead them to, or whether it is best to leave it alone and call the Feds on these ugly freaks. Oh, and one, as they leave the room, to not notice the water welling up in Rocky Dennis eye as he realises what has happened and only wants to explain they were ghost writing a Mills & Boone novel about one city girls passionate love with a ranch hand… a tragic love that could never be, because of the racial bigotry of her day.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

shit billy,

i'd give my left pinky fingernail to write shit like that.

you better be smiling wendy.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

ha ha, THIS is true talent:

http://www.maakies.com/frames/index.html


This guy us an absolute king in my book. I know you'd appreciate it if you dont know of it already.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

First of all, you changed your post after I read it the first time, meaning I almost had to re-read it again, except that I can't read and only look at the pictures.

Second, why are there comments longer than the original post? And no pictures either. Illiteracy is a disease people.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

hehehe...this is fun! Ole Billy all hurt and shit.

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

Hmmmm.

Dash...what do you mean he changed the entry? Merkley would never edit...Would he?

Merkley, did you edit?

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Wendy, I'm not hurt, I guarantee it.

Don’t confuse me having fun at yours, The Pepmeister and Rocky Dennis' expense with a bitter backlash. I’m only serious when I want to be, not when people try and drag me at their leisure, into ethical debates. Most of the time I couldn’t give a cigarette butt from a tramp’s vomit. I leave discussing dos and donts for the discussing dos and don’t discussers.

 

Anonymous BorkBorkBork is a gaywad.

Bing Ji Ling was delicious the other night.

I thought I saw you getting funky on the dance floor afterwards or maybe that was the other guy with the shaggy head!

P.S. Where did you guys find that sailor girl who is probably the hottest babe in SF? (You know which one I talking about...)

In chef speak in case you need the translation:

Beeng Jee Leeng ves deleeciuoos zee oozeer neeght. I thuooght I sev yuoo getteeng foonky oon zee dunce-a fluur effterverds oor meybe-a thet ves zee oozeer gooy veet zee sheggy heed! P.S. Vhere-a deed yuoo gooys feend thet seeelur gurl vhu is prubebly zee huttest bebe-a in SF? (Yuoo knoo vheech oone-a I telkeeng ebuoot...)

Bork bork bork.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

I tip my hat to you Wild Bill, this has been great fun. Weeeee...let's ride another ride soon.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Where did Merkely change his post? I guess I better re-read it and see...I was preoccupied falling in love with Wild Bill. Aw, screw it. Next...

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Wendy, 'Billy's Harem' applications for the 04/05 season have closed. Please keep an eye out for future recruitment opportunities.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash and all,
while i have no problem editing my post after the fact. i did not on this one. ocassionally i will correct spelling or make a joke lamer/funnier but nothing happened on this one. it is how i wrote it originally in all it's lameness.

for the rest of you, this discussion isn't over.

Brian pepper has infected my brain. i have spent the last 24 hours obsessed with this situation. i can't guarantee that i will revisit it, but i will say that the whole thing has been weighing heavily on my mind.

it's not your fault.

i am partly pathetic.

i get stuck on certain things.

i cant stop staring at his photograph pondering the idea that perhaps nobody has ever longingly gazed into his eyes. i don't think i couild go on living without the occasional deep searching gaze.

it breaks my heart that perhaps brian pepper never has that.

and yes. you guessed it.

i AM drunk.

oh fuck, when i am drunk --- you have no idea. i am all tears and hugs.

it is truly pathetic in the most awesomest of fashions.

i loooooove you allllll mannnnnn!!!!!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

borkborkbork,

I'm glad you had fun at the show. i wish you had introduced yourself.

the girls were not dressed as sailors, rather, they were dressed as ice cream girls and i proudly include them all in my group of babes that will have me and make me feel like an awesome man. i am truly lucky, blessed, you name it.....

maria
hannah
kelly
kelly
chrissy
erica
lisandra
lydia

i love them all.

if you were smitten -- join the club. they are all smiters.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

I'm not accusing you of a cover-up. I just didn't remember all the Vs leading to your punchline or the joan rivers picture the first time. Then again, I am really dehydrated.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,

so true -- i did do all that part -- but it was within the first 20 minutes. that's generally how it goes. i post it -- look at it -- adjust it a little, fix spelling stuff etc...

sometimes people read stuff while i'm still tweeking it.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

ahhh, the blog is so peaceful in the morning after an Ambien induced sleep. I'm not nearly as bitchy today as I was yesterday...it's agood day to blog. (birds chirping, cool summer breeze blowing dust all over my printer, dogs curled up under my desk farting...aahhh a new day.)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

you have a blog?

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

No, but the more I become consumed the more I want to. I have some issues to work out, like whether to use my name or a secret scary name. I think I'll just do both. I have been reading as much as I can to get one started. Obviously, I need an outlet for my insanity.

 

Anonymous BorkBorkBork is a gaywad.

Right. Ice cream girls, not sailors.

They were very hot...er...cold and delicious, rather!

Rickshaw Stop had a sailor party in May, so my mind got confused.

That show was the best live rock/pop/etc. I have seen in quite some time (actually best since I moved here a year ago).

It was a nice surprise, because I had no idea who I was seeing that night. The Rickshaw webpage just said something about soul music.

Do you know when is the next SF show?

Also, what kind of keyboard setup were you using?

The album has been playing in my car since I got it. My compliments on the production. :)

P.S. free banana splits = genius

 

Anonymous Kevin is a gaywad.

Sometimes I ponder as to why so many people are so pissed off, alot of them have their reasons, some don't. Brian Pepper does, this man is fucked-up-ugly (fugly). "Hey what the bloody Christ christmas are you lookin' at? Gander at this bitch if you really wanna see sumpin' ugly."(then he whips it out.) This is not an excuse for bad behavior, it's just a thought from someone who knows about nothing anyway.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bork,
thanks.
the keyboard set up is a little thing i built using various components but basically, i am accessing sounds from a program called REASON running on a mac.

we are finishing up a new album and then we will concentrate on more shows.

www.bingjiling.com is where to go for the latest news and what not.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

kevin,

that is pretty much how i have been thinking about dear old brian pepper.

i have myself convinced he never did anything and some evil little girl made it all up to be popular.

why not.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

After it all, I never gave my truthful commentary an this pathetic guy. He has a physical disability. You take what is given to you and either learn from it and help others or you turn inward into something even uglier. I personally am not even shocked by his appearance, he's a human..and he has a great job. He must be intelligent, right? I'm sure E! doesn't hire just anyone...so, he's an intelligent human making more $$$ than I do analyzing your tax returns, and he does something stupid and gets busted. Bad decision, bad choice. Come on...physicality does not trump human emotion and right and wrong. Lots of people have physical limitations and don't act out sexually in aggressive ways. Oh, and for the record, I love drunk Merkly, he's cute...he' all lovey dovey, smooshy, wooshy...ok, the Ambien is kicking in. Goodnight from Mountain Standard Time.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ahhhhhh
drunk blog 2005.

wendy --- its all love around here.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Wendy,

Stop de-dehumanising the monsters i.e Pepper and Merkley???

 

Post a Comment

happy birthday mom!

First of all, I am drunk.

Second of all it is my mother's birthday today.

Third of all, I just realized that probably nobody will ever love me like my mother.

Fourth of all, my mother could not be less interested in anything that really happens in my mind, heart, or soul. My mother is married to Jesus Christ, a fictional character from a really boring, super duper fucked up book.

Fifth of all --- yeah --- sorry to bum you all out. But this is my blog!

It is my mind.

It is my heart.

It is my soul.

Love it if you will.

If not,

FUCK OFF!!!

That's all for now!

Don't get caught revealing anything real about yourself! Just keep the jokes going!

Your pathetic blubbering drunk on his mommy's birthday, (boo fucking hoo)

merkley???

No comments are necessary.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:

June 06, 2005

100% Effective Cure For Hiccups.

Since I was a little kid and some asshole told me about standing on your head and drinking a glass of water to cure hiccups (no I didn't try it), I have thoroughly enjoyed inventing my own retarded cures for the ailments and conditions of others. Surprisingly, I'm guessing due to the placebo effect, my cures are just as good as any of the others only much much much more fun to watch.

For hiccups, have the patient:

1. Grasp nose firmly between thumb and fore finger.

2. Pull outwards away from the face.

3. Relax the mouth so that the upper lip gets pulled away from the face too.

4. Insert the other thumb and fore finger between the upper lip and two front teeth.

5. Grab that little piece of weird skin that connects the lip to the upper gums. For this cure I have named that skin the "lip ligament", it doesn't matter what it's really called. Insist that you know what it's called because you read medical journals.

6. Gently pull lip ligament downwards.

7. Think about ducks.

8. Hee haw like a donkey.

Make sure to keep a straight face. If the patient begins laughing explain to her that getting punched in the stomach also cures hiccups and would she prefer that.

If the hiccups go away (believe it or not they often do no matter what fucking moronic stunt you have the patient perform) take credit and make them buy you a drink.

If the hiccups don't go away, tell them they did it wrong because you are positive it works then suggest another sure fire way explaining that you can't believe you forgot about the easiest one and that is simply:

1. Gagging yourself by sticking your finger down your throat until you almost barf.

Make sure the patient turns their head in the direction of someone you hate.

If that doesn't work, have the patient:

1. Fold ears downward.

2. Keeping hands in place push head towards the sky. Explain that this is completely different than pulling your ears towards the ground.

3. Relax pee muscles (official medical term) almost to the point of peeing.

4. When pee almost flows, pinch it off.

5. Explain that it's the pee pinch combined with quiet high hopes that does it. Then explain that the cartoon DUMBO was loosely based on this ancient cure.

Here's another:

1. Place both thumbs in nostrils.

2. Plug the ears with index fingers.

3. Hold breath for one minute while trying to fart.

Anyway, I just made those up. Point being, you can invent any fucking thing you want to cure hiccups because they will probably go away in a minute whether you do anything or not.

REMEMBER

This is your chance to take credit for an awesome cure you learned from an Aboriginal Hermaphrodite Witch Doctor in exotic Guam. Say the doctors name was merkley??? but say it with some weird accent, maybe like, uhhh, moirklooouie, I don't mind if you slaughter my name, I know you are thinking of me. Alternatively, in the case that your cure does not immediately work, it's your chance to berate your patient and make them do something really really stupid --- TWICE --- THREE TIMES EVEN!!

BTW, if you think making some pathetic hiccupping slouch look even more like a total buffoon than they already did is totally rad and fun n'shit, try similar cures with a patient with a headache or yeast infection.

Yeast infections are HILARIOUS!

Good luck. Please post your cures.

That's all for now!

Don't get caught on all fours like a dog lapping Coca Cola from a bowl! (This cure actually works, I swear to Jesus!)

Your number one doctor recommended cure for all your ills,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Take in a deep breath, hold it, count to 30. If you hiccup before you make it to 30, exhale and start over. If you can hold your breath until you get to 30 without hiccupping (?) the cursed event will be gone. The nose pulling thing actually does work for yeast infections...I think you have your cures mixed up.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Hey Merkley???

How come when ever I leave a comment, I get an email saying that an email I sent to you was rejected, even though the post showed up just fine. Now, I'm going to get another one because I'm leaving this comment to complain. (That's what I do. I'm a complainer.)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
DUH! everybody knows that one! You're supposed to make up a riduculous one.

but i'm glad to hear about your luck with the yeast infection.

yeast --- say that word slowly like ten times in a row. yyyeeeaaast.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,
i have no idea why that would be happening, i haven't heard of it happening to anyone else. hmmmn curious though.

complaining is one of my favorite sports.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

I have the answer for dashiell...are you clicking on the little letter icon for e-mail and then posting? Just click on whatever clever title Merkely??? has chosen for "Comments" and below the posted comments is a link that says "post a comment". Ignore the little letter thingy and go solely thru the "post comment" link. Yes, everyone does the hold your breath gig...the key to success is to count to 30 so you don't accidently mail your little sister off when you pay the phone bill. OCD...it's fun. Must count to 30!

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

You are a hoot, as always.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thank for the tech support wendy,

thank you too paula.

 

Blogger Ajax is a gaywad.

I enjoyed your rock concert on Saturday. Huey Lewis was a nice touch. I love Huey Lewis. The other day my neighbor put on 'Sports' and just CRANKED IT, it was awesome.

What was that thing you were playing? A really small keyboard? Your solo at the end was hot.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

why thanks ajax,

did we get to talk? did you come to my after party? it was great -- lots of fine people.

yeah, it's a small keyboard set up -- i built it from existing components.

the solo was unplanned -- or i would have done something better -- but i'm glad you liked it.

and for everyone else, and explanation is in order, we do a cover of "i want a new drug" but we do it totally p-funk style. finally the song sounds like the singer really does want a new DRUG"

i like our version better.

next time introduce yourself.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Cure for Gout:

Take one cup of blood, drained from a white prison warden who was shanked in the neck during a racially motivated attack by a Chilean with a sharpened toilet brush handle. Mix with 2 tablespoons of sugar and apply generously to the feet with the throat hackles of a Corvid, preferably a Raven, but those of a Crow will suffice. Tie a damp cheesecloth around your head and hold a coat hanger with your feet by tugging outwards at its corners with your two big toes. Suspend a piece of chalk from the hook of the coat hanger with red silk. Swing the chalk to and fro by gently rocking your feet, rhythm at this point is essential and failure of this cure to work can usually be retraced back to your timing here. Hum any of the hits from the 90s. Hanson’s ‘Mmm Bop’ or Coolio’s ‘Gangstaz Paradise’ are good suggestions. Close one eye and mentally (i.e just inside your head, not literally), take a walk around the building and grounds your old high school, visiting all your old haunts and the weird places you hardly went. Remember each corner, passage and tree. When you come to a place where you suffered a bad injury and cried like a bitch, jump to your feet and quickly eat the chalk.

You WILL be cured.

 

Blogger Ajax is a gaywad.

I was going to say hi after the show, but you had disappeared behind the curtain, and so, another time.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Ah Sir Bunkton,

Such an old remedy from such a young man. The thing is, your cure is only slightly different than binding your inner thighs with industrial strength carpet glue to the fluffed out afro of a comatose Whoopi Goldberg and submerging yourself in a vat of ketchup for 3 minutes or until Whoopi begins struggling for air --- the chalk, raven and the school ground haunt part are exactly the same.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ajax,
please do introduce yourself.
what fun that would be.

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

misogynist.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Aaah, what a touching thought… if only there were a cure for Misogynism. Middle aged women could dance in the street like frolicking lambs and the world would be a much more beautiful place.

Unfortunately however, we live in a world where gout and prison rape are VERY real.

On a more terrifyingly unrelated note: Nice beats Merkley. I only just checked them out. I like em heaps.

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

Who says ~ventriloquism~ is a lost art?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

paula,
i don't get it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bunks,
thanks. that's actually some unfinished shit. i have hundreds of those varieties. shortly a whole new project will be unleashed that will be of a qualty that will actually merit any heaps of praise you might spare.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

also mr. bunks,

it would be amazing to hear you put together a project with rhymes and stories of the variety that you often leave here and on your own blog.

the world would simply be dumb founded. -- befuddled i tell ya.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Recording some shit tonight... I'll show you soon.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Also, I think Paula may be implying that there is actually one less person here than may seem to be the case.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i think you are right sir bunks!

but i think paula is a stand up woman nonetheless. and if she thinks i am you --- it is an honor fine sir.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

cure for hiccoughs: stand on the railroad tracks and wait for the choo-choo.
my cousin died thata way.
but he aint hiccoughing atall.

why dont you dudes (Bunks and Merkley) just get a room.
for crying out loud.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget.

death is an awesome cure for almost everything except death.

but how precious is it that you are getting territorial with mr. bunks and me --- it's downright adorable.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

You could join us, Schwarz, we could spit roast you for that cannibal mate of yours.

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

since i can't post on the lovely entry above, i will post here. because i, too, am a drunken rebel.

your mum sounds like a lovely person.

did you call her?

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

Shit,
Merkley.

you are so cool.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Thanks Paula.

No I didn't call my mom. I am a bad son.

 

Post a Comment

June 02, 2005

Celine Dion + Michael Jackson = Oh My Christ, I Have No Idea What The Fuck IT Equals.

I really have nothing to add to this.

That's all for now!

Don't get caught grabbing your vagina as if you had balls, as if you had balls! (on account of Michael Jackson grabbing his balls as if he had balls ( I love it when I explain jokes in parentheses (see that's funny because I was explaining why that was funny in parentheses within other parentheses (and here is one more just for fun (holy shit, it's like we are digging to China now (I'm getting cold (somebody give me a blanket ( it's getting dark in here ( see how the joke gets funnier? ( the reason is because each time I do the hilarious parentheses thing it's like I'm digging a deep hole ( holy shit somebody stop me)))))))))).

YAY! that was ten levels of parenthetical commentary for no reason whatsoever! (My previous record was four ( I routinely beat that record now ( I'll beat it right here ( that's funny on account of this post originally being about Michael Jackson ( get it? BEAT IT?)))))

where was I?

Oh yeah,

Your Parenthetical State Champ ("Parenthetics" being the sport),

merkley???

And another thing. don't bother telling me that my statements weren't actually parenthetical statements and that I just used parentheses where I should have used more appropriate punctuation because if I would have done that, I wouldn't have been able to write this "And Another Thing" part of this hilarious post about Celine Dion, Michael Jackson and retarded punctuation shit...

"Nice use of elipses dude."

"Who said that?"

"I don't know, you're the one writing this."

"Yeah but the quotation marks indicate someone other than me"

"You realize that this isn't funny -- right?"

"Totally."

"Well then knock it off."

"Ok."

"You didn't have to say Ok"

"I know"

"Just stop typing."

"I can't"

"Yes you can, you mean you WON'T"

"Holy fuck you are an Idiot"

"You too."

"A shot rings out in the Memphis skyiiiigh --- free at last -- they took his life --- but they could not take his priiiiiiiide --- in the naaaame ----- of loooooove --- one man -- in the name of love (I'm not sure what the lyrics are right there. Is it "man" or "heart"? (see, now that's funny on account of that one dude saying "you too" (get it? U2?)))

Cheesers Cripes I am annoying.

Btw... (I won't even use parentheses for this(I just did anyway)), the whole reason this post should have made you pee your pants with laughter is because the first thing I said was "I have nothing to add to this" and then I went ahead and gave you ten minutes worth of boring pointless reading. I certainly did ADD to it -- AND HOW!

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

I think it might be: "One "more" in the name of love." "Keeping with the "sub plot" I am excessively using "parentheses".

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Here..." " "...I forgot one.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Wait, I meant "quotes" not ( ( ) )...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
I suppose "more" would make sense on account of the fact that the song is about people dying for shit that Bono thinks equals love.

HA! and it's hilarious that you called quotation marks "parentheses" thus giving me the opportunity to put quotation marks around the word parentheses (even though you already did it).

even my english teacher from high school would hate these jokes.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

holy crap, the fun never ends.

you corrected yourself and posted as i was posting.

aren't we just a couple of silly goats.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

That video is the most disturbing thing I've seen since... well, since your previous post.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Or, maybe we are a couple of silly "quotes". Ok, now I am just high on punctuation...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

what do you think our punishment should be for what we just did?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

digicat,

disturbing doesn't even begin to describe that video.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Colons at ten paces...turn and shoot!

 

Blogger bardot is a gaywad.

parentheses are sooooo old school.

adding "..." unneccessarily is the way to go. so is being grammatically incorrect is cool.

p.s. celine dion. gross.

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

the overuse of punctation and poor sentence structure are always hilarious topics of discussion.

btw...why no cool pic?

and another thing...what kind of camera do you use?

hmmmm....that's all.

 

Blogger Deleted is a gaywad.

oh wait...one more thing (there is always one more thing...).

How do you get those nice, soft effects when you are using a flash? most flash photography looks overexposed.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

deleted,

i use a canon s400 -- just a consumer digi camera -- the fuzzy effects come from my personal relationship with satan.

oh -- and photoshop.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bardot,

personally, i think the next big things are the [brackets].

asterisks are cool too.

backslash is far underrated as well \\\\\ look at those bad boys.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

bang --- ow -- you totally shot me straight in the asterisk.

truly. i really should be punished again.

 

Blogger r/r is a gaywad.

schizophrenia's interesting but screw your semicolons

 

Blogger B is a gaywad.

I always use parenthesis (honest) and '...' all the time and the '...' annoys me and I wish I didn't do it cos I hate it I hate it I hate it...

See? I just did it again WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??? (oh and I love to type in caps cos it imitates the yelling and screaming going on in my mind as I write it)

By the way, you rock and I love reading you and sometimes you can be slightly funny. You're way betterer than Tucker Max, (who?)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

rjennar,

ok -- semi-colons are gay. i admit it. but iceland is weird.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

billie,

yes, i am better than tucker and i'll tell you why. when i lie or stretch the truth for dramatic effect -- it is obvious -- that dude straight up lies and expects you to take it as the gospel.

his barf story is sooooooo fake.

but i will give him credit for one thing. tard-blog.com --- when he gave a forum for the writer named "riti sped" i never felt so glad that i learned to read.

tucker is fake.

thanks for rocking.

 

Blogger Gift From Virgo is a gaywad.

I'm sure you get this all the time, but I just had to say YOU ROCK! Your blog is now officially on my Top 10 list.

 

Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

In your first paragraph you have 11 '(' and only 10 ')', thus making your whole post unfunny and confusing.

I'll let it slide this time, but next time I'm on the first plane to homo-ville (san fran) to slap some sense into you.

 

Anonymous rebecca is a gaywad.

Celine Dion + Michael Jackson = Screech as far as I can tell.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

GFVirgo,

Hey! Thanks! I don't get it all the time.

If i had a guitar right now i would do a power chord or no -- i'd smash it on my nightstand and kick my dog! That would ROCK!

(swills Jack Daniels directly from the bottle and doesn't wipe it as it dribbles through his beard)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

rebecca,

EXACTLY!

you totally nailed it. that is sooooooooo Screech.

now it's even more creeepy.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ben,

YOU WIN THE PRIZE!

it was a secret contest to see who is really paying attention to detail. you see, i have a lot of beans that need to be counted. your prize is that you GET TO COUNT THEM FOR FREEE!

oh yeah, added bonus prize? You get to stick your thumbs up your peehole and make quacking sounds with your butt. send video!

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

You mean the beans from "Old Mexico"? If I had only known about the contest...

 

Blogger bardot is a gaywad.

rebecca's "screech" obsrevation has made the video enter the 5th level of EWWWWWWWWWWW.

oh god. now it's scary to watch.

but oh-so addicting.

 

Anonymous polly wanna pecker is a gaywad.

doesn't anyone want to note that Celine Dion NAILED Micheal Jackson and BAD? i mean i am certainly not a Ceeline fan. oh no no. but she nailed it.

paranthetical post not hilarious. celine beat merkley today.

 

Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

It's not really paying attention to detail, it's more that I study your every move. You see, I'm your number one fan merkley???... in fact, I'm outside right now, hiding in the bushes waiting for you to come out. I have something to give you.

I sure hope you like it because if you don't... well I just don't know what I'll do.

See you soon.

Sincerely,

Your #1 Fan

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

polly,

i have never insinuated that i could ever beat celine dion at anything, especially blogging. her blog is terrific. and as for the hilarity or non hilarity of the post, my first and foremost assertion was that it is annoying.

you cannot say that i didn't at least succeed in being annoying. i was even annoyed while writing it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ben,

i hope you have been getting the baloney sandwiches i have been leaving out there for you.

oh, and while you're out there, do you mind picking the trash out of the bushes too?

thanks.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Wait, was that really Celine Dion? Or somesort of digital trickery, via Industrial Light and Magic?

I adore the ellipsis and use it whenever possible. I'm also a fan of brackets, bardot's haircut, merkley's crazy photoshop skillz, and MMPORPG's where I can pretend to be a Viking. The rest of you can, per my usual instructions, go to hell.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,

what the fuck is MMPORPG's?

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Massive Multi Player Online Role Playing Games, YOU NERD!!!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wait -- hhhmnn -- i guess you are right, only the popular cool kids play role playiing games,

nerdy me. i hang out with chicks.

ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

ok. that sucked.

 

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