SideBar Free In 2003!

July 31, 2005

Bing Ji Ling and Me TONIGHT in L.A. AGAIN!

at the knitting factory in hollywood.

bing's on vox and keys

adrian from no doubt is on drums

mirv and house, from lots of awesome bands are on bass and guitar,

and i'm doing all the important stuff that makes everything sound awesome.

if ya wanna be on the pest -- i mean guest list, leave me a comment.

whatsisname from IMA Robot will be DJing, and some other awesome fuckers will be playing before us. I can't remember who they are so there.

i'd love to see your ugly little faces -- wow, deja vu and shit yo.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

Be sure to invite lots of groupies back to your place and read them children's bedtime stories! Have lots lots fun tonight. I will pout all day because I can't go.

 

Blogger Ajax is a gaywad.

Rock and roll I love your band.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

If I had had more notice I could of driven the 12 hours there. Thanks fer nothin'. But, hey I hope you guys have a great night!

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

Wait!
You're a real person?
Holy shit man, I thought you were like me. All fake and horny, and with sixteen penises.
Fuck......

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

I hear they clean their ears with palm trees in LA.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

I'm far to ugly and goat like to rock up to a slick LA gig.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

By the way my friend, thanks for the link.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

Christ, aren't you back yet? I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for stories of your big night at the club.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

I'm not anonymous anymore...

 

Anonymous Mysterium Cunnilingus is a gaywad.

Arise Lord Merkley; I am married... to God

 

Blogger pisscock mcgee is a gaywad.

Dear Bug Dick-

I'd like to attend your show in Laws Anjulis. Pleas make arrangements for me to get in at the door for free. Also, I don't want to see any niggers in there. We've discussed this before, Bug Dick, and I hope you'll keep up your end of the bargen. We don't have kikes and faggotry here in the Southe and I expect nothing less from your camp. Yu think yur hot shit cuz yu can slide yur skin bus into No Doubts bun crack but yer really not. I know you're in with the niggers!! The niggers will always lose! I have a crease at the bottom of my ball sack and it feels good when women put their tongue on it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

holy pisscock,

i can smell the tequila from here.

wait -- sorry, that's just my armpit.

i think you might be right about the negroes, unless you're talking about basketball or brain surgery. black people RULE at brain surgery.

also -- hockey. the colored folk love a good game on the ice.

oh yeah, and swimming. -- i mean , drowning.

you know come to think of it. i'm a negro. that's why i am awesome.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

holly,

groupies are for slapping around naked. no time for bedtime stories.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ajax,

thanks. see you at the next sf show.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

we may be starting a residency at the knitting factory so you'll get your chance to pretend you never said that.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

married man,

16?

i only have 2 penises. you're a freak.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,

nope. no ear cleaning in LA.

they don't call it stinkear city fer nuthin'

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,

ugly and goat like is sooooo hip right now.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

digicat,

hmmn -- stories,

hot girls -- ice cream etc.. the usual.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid.

ok.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

mysterium cunnilingus,

is EVERYBODY drunk tonight?

 

Anonymous sue is a gaywad.

merkley, you are a wigger!

I just learned this word, woohoo!

WIGGERS, all ya'll!

 

Blogger Princess_Sarah is a gaywad.

OH I am so BUMMED I didn't see this earlier! I can WALK to t he knitting factory! Merkley??? You should have a newsletter to let folsk know when you are in town, yo!

 

Anonymous BorkBorkBork is a gaywad.

Hey, Merkeley???.

How does Bing Ji Ling sing like that?
Is he a eunuch? Or perhaps he sold his soul/first-born to Stevie Wonder?

Can you say when the new album is coming out and when is the next SF show? (bingjiling.com has 0 info.)

Enquiring minds want to know...

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

You must be eating ice cream with super hot chicks.

Not to be a nag, or anything.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

btw, let me at those super hot chicks...I want to scratch their chicky little eyes out.

 

Anonymous Szugye is a gaywad.

Fuck, Shit, Crap, Mutherfucker and things that make you say Hmmmmm??? No One invites me to shit. Well, I do get invited to a lot of shit. But, I don't like shit.

I cry almost every night because I'm never (well almost never), invited to the "Bing Ji Ling" gigs. Give a fellow Vegan Lover a break buddy boy.

I love hot dogs. All you San Fran Vegans can suck my Hungarian hot dog. That said...

Cool mutherfuckin art:www.szugye.com

You're saying, "But Szugye...your art isn't abstract or surreal...I'm just not into that." Well...FUCK YOU!

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

let the comment whoring continue...

until we get another

BLOG ENTRY

 

Anonymous Szugye is a gaywad.

Fuck Mr.9:42p.m. You wanna fight? I'll kick your ass from Oak Street till the Tenderloin. I'll clean your clock. Kick your ass into next Tuesday, or some shit like that. It's late...so don't fuck with the Szugye man.

I don't blog...I fight. I'm pissed and depressed. Not a good combination. Oh yeah...sue me...you fuckin jerk off!

"It's all good." I'm just playin wit cha Mr. 9:42 p.m.

Mr. Dave rules the land of San Fran. He will eat you under the fuckin table. But...I will drink him under my butt. We all love Mr. Dave in homo land. We do. Really. Over...and fuckin out.

Mr. Suge.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

~where or where has Merkley gone, oh where or where could he be? Where or where has Merkley gone,he's neglecting my blogging needs.~

 

Anonymous 9:42 Anonymous is a gaywad.

Mr. Suge,

You funny man when you mad! Come kick my butt. I likey.

 

Anonymous sound-quake is a gaywad.

omigod that's cool, i'm totally gonna make a zine about you. do you have any merch i can buy? like, a belt buckle or a t-shirt or some shoes or something? or a frisbee, i could use a frisbee

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

suge!

drunkie drunkie drunkie.

it's becoming clearer and clearer that people only read my shot when blitzed.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

princess sarah,

next time for sure.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bork bork bork,

bing ji ling is a girl.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,

START a zine?

like you don't already have one. sheesh.

 

Anonymous gabbriellesarah is a gaywad.

i dont have a zine about YOU, duh. i only had a zine about no doubt, and one about feminism and one when i was 12 about potato pancakes.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby.

liar.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

whoa massive deja vu and stuff. play in oakland. i demand it.

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

I wish I could get out there... that would be cool. I'll have to plan for a road trip. I've only been to SF on short business trips and never got a chance to actually see anything cool... except fog... or hear anything cool... except the same horns I hear here... though, they seem a bit less angry on the west coast.

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

was that english?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

no snakehead,

it was a secret language.

give me money and i'll send you a magic rabbit.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

WTF? You posted comments from the last "Bing Ji Ling" post. Hmmm? What's the story, morning-glory?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid
i was too lazy to even write a new post so i just changed the date of the old one.

that's why i'm a genius.

 

Post a Comment

July 25, 2005

Snip & Snap in Chew as You Choose




That's all for now!
Don't get caught eating a dog who ate a baby!
Your First Class Child Protective Services Agent,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Art mirroring real life! Brilliant. Are you saying at the end that the puppies are going to eat each other? Stupid Satan.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
no. the korean lady eats them.

yummy.

 

Anonymous melina is a gaywad.

aw, to hell with it, i'm tossing in my spleen for good with this one...tasty fodder for s & s, and, gosh!, snip and snap are two baaaad asssss mo-fo's.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

this my favorite. A+.
"You ate my babies"
Vegans are delicious. Taste like
grass and hotdogs mixed together.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Perfect rhyme and meter.

Are you wearing tights?

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

The picture of the dogs around the bush looks like they are scoping each other out. My favorite line is the tampon line. Who hasn't had a dog that would rifle thru the garbage for treats.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

Merkley???, I just creamed my panties. You know what dogs do to me. Holy shit man.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Awwwwwwww what a truely touching story. Not only did I get to make a cameo in goat form but you have a parrot that crapped out a brain. Vegan my arse, S&S were framed by that evil flesh eating parrot.

Nice work Merk???s


PS. Stupid Wendy, she ate my baby.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

you missed one under "If i was a dude named Farley."

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

And now boys and girls, let's take off our clothes and play in the mud together!

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

Cute bloody puppies! Was that original from the illustration or did you add blood smears? I want a childrens book with bloody puppies.


You should read the next story out loud.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

melina,

sorry to hear about your spleen, but from what i've heard, they're pretty much usless.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,
an A+?

do i get a star on my forehead?

i'll accept pudding.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,
an A+?

do i get a star on my forehead?

i'll accept pudding.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,
an A+?

do i get a star on my forehead?

i'll accept pudding.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,

thanks,
i'm not wearing tights but i will if you want

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
theu\yre watching for koreans.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

mm

i thought that might make you happy.

would you send me the panties if i sent you a SASE?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,

but i was in no way implying that you in any way resemble a goat.

unless of course you do, in that case, basically, you're ugly.

too bad.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,

but i was in no way implying that you in any way resemble a goat.

unless of course you do, in that case, basically, you're ugly.

too bad.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

anonymous,

what did i miss?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

snake head,

ok.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,

i added the blood,

but wouldn't it have been awesome if i didn't have to?

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

That was fucking masterful.

Best ever.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks bunks.

 

Post a Comment

July 22, 2005

Trustfund Pilldred & The Worm Express





That's all for now!
Don't get caught orally ingesting anal suppositories!
Your Frontline Man in The War On Drugs,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

What do you call a Skeleton in a closet?



Winner of the 1996 Hide and Seek Championship.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

william,
no need to throw your recent shame back 9 years.

but thanks for letting us know what you've been up to for the last month.

and i'm not counting to ten. if you're a champion, you can hide in five.

1



2


3



4




5.



holy shit! you're good.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Of all your recent children's books you've written, this is my favorite. I lkie cat's (have one), I like vagina's (have one) and I like pills...wait, that doesn't seem right. I'll come back later, I have to go take a pill.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks wendy,

seriously, all the women i know are popping pills, (is it me?) so when i ran across these illustrations, they just screamed to have a pill popping afternoon masturbation story.

sometimes i think i am just releasing the subliminal stories these illustrators unwittingly laid out in their assignments. they just match up too well.

i just wonder how long it will be until one of them finds me and has a lawyer draft a cease and desist.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Cats do too masturbate!!
http://ericnuzum.com/blog/buster.jpg

I have a friend who talks like Michael Jackson and masturbates his own cat. It's the friendliest cat I ever met.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,

all my stuff is filled with lies. we all know it.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Merkley: I've missed you.


Wendy: We share the same zodiac sign and astrological year, but we aren't the same age, not near... You are old as fuck, whilst I am young and fantastic, but don't fret, I'd still fuck you... I don't care if you're ugly. I'd do it for blog bragging rights.

 

Anonymous melina is a gaywad.

merks???, my sides are split this week laughing. my sphincter is barely intact...

praytell, is that a balalaika in pilldred's pill pad? or is it sven's? the things pilldred could do to incorporate that in her dull dreary alcohol-sipping, pill-poppin' masturbatory life...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bunks,

yeah well, i'm glad you're back too. if nothing else, maybe everybody will stop with;

where's bunks -- where's bunks -- where's bunks merkley, isn't bunks your friend? where is bunks merkley, i want to hear from bunks.

sheesh.

now go get yourself a reliable internet connection and stay regular.

and since when did my blog turn into a sleazy bar? if you two have some genital tension you'd like to work out, there are private chats and webcams for that sort of deal.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

melina,

i have no clue what a balalakalikaloopy is.

sounds fun though.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

Merkley???, knowing that everything that you write is filled with lies, I would like to know why you said that anal suppositories aren't smart? I am an anal suppository and I'm so smart I have my own really smart blog. It's filled with smart things. I fell so sad. So, so sad.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

married anal suppository,

vengance and rage is for the smarties. sad is for dummies.

there is hope. but it's not very likely.

my advice to you is to enjoy your place in the butthole of life.

be HAPPY! good luck!

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

Oh boy.
I'm on pills and booze and sheepskin rugs.
didnt you kick DJ Sven out of your last party?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,

dont' you just love it when people force you to read their blog and make comments?

it's like you know, bakiing a cake and pushing it on people. when they finally say yum, you somehow are left wondering if they really mean yuck.

i want to write a story about retards but i cant find the right illustrations in a book that already exists.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Wild Bill, Yep, I am am aged, and uhh, yeah, ok, that's weird.

Merkley, no worries, even if this site turns into some freaky, sleaze bar I'll still come back.

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

Merkley???,

You're so freakin' talented I can't stand it!

Want a blow job?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

snakey,

thanks!

i was actually just reading your blog. nice honest writing over there.

blow job?

hmmm, maybe if i pretend i'm DJ sven and you pretend you're Trustfund Pilldred (i'm not so much in to the blonde princess types -- boring is right up my alley) -- or no -- i got a batter idea, i could stare at that ridiculously sexy picture of those boobs on your blog!


you should put that image on a shirt.

that would mean i was still straight right?

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

melina was asking about musical instrument that looks like a lute. balalaika?
how about a truce? I'll just bring over store bought things so I'm not tempted to push them on people. I really try not to. I didnt at your birthday.
It's hard being a jack ass, actually I think a girl jack ass is called a Jenny, what ever. Retards are easy to draw. Or better still, get a book about cave men, and just say they're too stupid to live in houses. neaderthals are the best

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,

truce?

i missed the battle.

you can push your culinary delights in my face whenever you like.

holy crap. that sounded dirty.

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

Dude, I just realized your page looks so freakin' awesome when you're high. I'm so totally linking to you.

You better link to me too, bitch! Or I'll come over and give you a resting spot for your boys too.

Hahahahahaha......

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

snakey,

ok you stoner homo. you are linked.

can i still get my nutt nest trimmed?

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

Of course! Absolutely! Tonight at 10, at my place?

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

I really like the story, well, the illustrations are crap, the plot makes no sense whatsoever, and I don't think it's all that funny. I hate it OK, but it leaves me pondering one particular question...

Where's Bunks?

 

Blogger Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is a gaywad.

I havea question if somone would be kind enough to answer it for me.

I know what happens if you put a pill up an anus, but does anyone know what happens if you put one up a vagina? Does it still work?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Satan,

I LOVED the muppet show! thanks for reminding me of those geezers in the balcony.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Queen,

Might I suggest that her highness conduct an experiment?

perhaps start with a tic tac or an m&m or a rock of crack cocaine.

please share your results.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Actually I feel a little like this everytime I come to your blog...

It’s time to play the music.
It’s time to light the lights
It’s time to meet the Muppets
On the Muppet Show tonight.

It’s time to put on makeup.
It’s time to dress up right
It’s time to raise the curtain
On the Muppet Show tonight.

("Two old guys - Statler and Waldorf in the balcony")

Why do we always come here
I guess we’ll never know
It’s like a kind of torture
To have to watch the show

And now let’s get things started...
Why don’t you get things started...
It’s time to get things started...

On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational

This...is...what...we...call...the...Muppet...Showwwww!"


(Gonzo blows his trumpet)- or at least attempts to...




PS - Is the Queen talking about the pill or the vagina?

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

Your post made me hungry. Those aren't pills, those are Sweetarts.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,
thanks for that.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,

you may be right. still, she probably shouldn't be doing what she did with them.

and DJ Sven is still a douchebag.

 

Post a Comment

July 21, 2005

Glockferk The Bunny Learns About Easter Eggs.





That's all for now!
Don't get caught calling Jesus a homo!
Your First Most Authority on the True History of Every Single Holiday Ever. GUARANTEED!
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

egg farts. I have a terrible hangover. I dont want to think about egg farts or a mean bunny mommy

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,

you must have kept on drinking then.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

yup. and smoking. who cares?
I'm a bad lady

 

Anonymous Szugye is a gaywad.

Szugye LOVES SZUGYE!!.

Mr. Merkley. I don't even know what the hell you're talking about anymore. I guess I had too many rides on the short yellow bus when I was a youngin. Jesus, Fags, Bunnies...it's all "greek" to me. Poo, Shit, and Fuck!

Fantastic Jazz Art:www.szugye.com

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

szugye,

it's all pretty much a mystery to me too.

but that doesn't mean i cant talk about bunnies and what not now does it?

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Sad bunny pictures make me happy. :) But, what the egg fart christian coalition?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

sorry. but it's my job to tell the whole truth exactly as it happend. if christians don't want to hear it -- well all i can say is that they are missing out on the funnest part about being christian.

talking about jesus' terrible gas and ibs.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I didn't say I didn't want to hear it, I was just trying to understand. I asked you some religious questions over at Satan's sight. (where better?) I asked if it was true that Mormon's pulled their religion out of a hat..literally, and I also asked if when Mormon's die do they get their own planet?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

yes, josepf smith put some stones into a hat and looked into the hat (buried his face in it) and "translated" the golden plates -- which nobody ever saw. but he saw the words in the hat.

yes. mormons who are good get to become gods themselves after they die which means they can creat planets or dogs or just some other weird thing like a planet made out of jello and string.

mormons are very imaginative.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I think the whole Mormon thing is fascinating. I would love to create a planet...there should be a video game like that. You know those games where you can build cities or create people (SIMS)? There should be a Mormon Planet creating game...jello planet, watch out for Kool Whip storms.

 

Blogger Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is a gaywad.

But Jesus was a Fag. Open sandals after Labor day, looking-messy-but-trim beard, lots of male friends but only knows one girl and she's a whore.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

2 + 2 = HAM? Nice touch. I think I'm going to share this story with all the neighborhood children next year.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

your highness,

ah -- but that is where off in the distance we can hear a blad of grass taking it up the butt!

see? it's all in there. it's very deep you know.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

digicat,

when you share the story, it might be wise to wear protective googles.

boy cna those lower class folk spit when they get angry!

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

I used to work with Jesus at the tollway department.
We had to share a booth and WOAH those farts..

I hear he mops the viewing booths at a porn shop in Wisconsin, now.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,

i believe the dude mopping is his brother cedric christ, not to be confused with cedric the entertainer -- not that you WOULD confuse them, christ being a skinny dude with a hackysack whle the entertainer is a colored fella with aids.

yup, cedric the entertainer has aids. i know because i stabbed him with the same knife i used to cut off magic johnsons hand.

oh yeah ,also,

gloria estefan killed herself today. at least that is my prediction -- ok -- it's just a hope -- that's all.

i never hope death on anyone.

it's not really possible to kick yourself in the nutts.

go ahead, try it.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

when i grow up i will only read your books to my children.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,

i wrote them all for you, our youngest reader.

 

Blogger bardot is a gaywad.

the bunny mommy speaks the truth.

i love your stories!

and gotta love egg farts. yummy!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bardot,

she certainly does, she was there for the immaculate conception all the way up till thie whole nailed to the cross shenanigans.

she's an oooolllllld easter bunny.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

I think our sites might be parodying each others. I wish my pictures had pretty gay rabbits hating jesus. Oh well next time.

Gloria Estefan will live merks, I know her music gives people brain tumours, why would I let her die. Oh, but she wants to, yes she does...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,

whats the going rate on souls these days?

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

I love you, whoever you are.

 

Anonymous dave is a gaywad.

This is the best thing I've ever seen. Truely you have been blessed.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

anonymous,

no. who ever YOU are. you know who I am. it is YOU who are the mystery. but thanks nonetheless.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dave,

thanks kind sir.

jesus likes any ink he can get.

 

Anonymous Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

Thanks a lot Merkley, I was reading this story, and I busted out laughing so fucking hard, I farted. Something started to smell long after the fart was gone. I soon came to realize that im my joyus laugh/fart, I also shit my pants. Now Im here at work with a way smelly ass. Im going to have to blame it on the dirty mexican in the next cube

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

virgil,

i'm glad i could help you relieve yourself of toxic gasses.

good thinking about blaming it on the beaner.

 

Post a Comment

July 20, 2005

Squawky Condor: The Baby Burden.



Awe, I'm sorry. Did that bum you out? Well listen to these retards sing the Beatles smash hit "Yeddaday", courtesey of vintagetips.com.


That's all for now!
Don't get caught telling children the truth about how much pain they cause their wonderful parents!!
Your Straight Shootin' Hero,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Probably the most depressing post ever. I read the story while "Yeddaday" played in the background and when the line of the song "why did she have to go, I don't know she wouldn't say" played, I broke out into tears. Why, why did Mommy Condor have to go?? *sniff*

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

oh wendy,

i'm so happy that you decided to listen to the down's syndrome choir WHILE reading the story.

i did the same and had similar results.

condors are really assholes. now we now why. it's a vicious cycle. momma condor's parents probably starved her and told her she was worthless too.

put yourself in their shoes. you'd be eating stolen rotten flesh as well. don't you think?

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

Is it just me, or did everyone else find baby condor astoundinly sexy? Holy shitballs, I want to lick her beak and pound her baby condor anus.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

married dude,

married dude,

duh.

starvation + terrible father
+ abandonded by mother always equals hot chick.

it's your basic stripper formula.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

Where is it that you get this knowledge? You are so wise.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Fucker..
I didn't sell you the rights to my life story.

God, I'm hungry..

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

married fella,

where?
oh that's simple, it's just the first half of wise-ass -- it's one of them thar two-fers.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,

i don't have to buy the rights if i just kinda guesstimateifyilize the story.

i figured i could get pretty close. but i changed the part about you being a dead baby seal until you were 3.

so you can't sue me.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

Ah, two-fers....thats what I tell that toddler down the street he's doing when I make him teethe on my weenis.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

People, people, momma Condor aint so bad.

She's here in hell and goes down like a horn-bill.

 

Anonymous sue is a gaywad.

inexplicably depressing.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,

if she's not so bad then why don't you marry her?

huh?

ever think about that mr. ladies man? you can't go on being single forever you know.

just do it. make an honest condor out of that condor.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

sue,

yeah, ya know, when it comes to the subject of rotten meat eating birds that hop around fighting of hyenas for scraps of rancid scrotum meat, i did the best i could.

but that little bird really is an annoyingly loud ungrateful little fucker. trust me.

next time i'll write about flowers that bring old people back to life and make babies stay cute forever.

ok?

ok.

anyway, i'm sorry.

 

Blogger Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is a gaywad.

A mesmerising narrative; juxtaposing the issues of familial relationships and native American culture in a beautiful story. Profound. Terribly, Terribly, Profoud. I was deeply moved.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

sarcasm from the queen? i can't think of anything that could be felt so sincerely.

thank you your majesty.

god save your fucking ass.

 

Blogger Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is a gaywad.

Pray don't be offended; I was only trying to come up with something clever to say and that was about the best I could think of at the time.- you see, I'm pretty stupid- sorry.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

your majesty,

that makes two of us.

offended i was not. i would expect nothing less from her graciousness and now it is i who feels funny, like a clown with his pants down.

any words from the queen are words to be relished and advertised.

i'm totally serious.

god save your fucking ass. TWICE!

BTW. thank you for sharing your snapshots with us. and thank you for gracing my internet blog with your presence.

ah hell.

God save your fucking ass THRICE!!

 

Anonymous melina is a gaywad.

"the spin doctors"....hehehehe hahahaha...

i am a sick person, because i was laughing so hard at this whole story, several co-workers came over trying to console me...

then they read the story too.

 

Post a Comment

July 18, 2005

5 Fucking Pigs



That's all for now!
Don't get caught using ham jelly as a sexual lubricant!
Your CEO who is all about pigs rights,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

I think those pigs are french.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

yeah, well I just think they are dicks.

but they sure are yummy.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

those pigs better watch themselves cause if i get my hands on them they will be 5 Fucking Slow Roasted Pigs. Mmmm pork.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Ham based lube makes your butt smell like Iowa.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

There should be more dead seahorses!

Which is why my favourite thing is the 'Ded Seahorse' on every friggin page.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

Hi brother, I just wanted to let you know that I have a new site. follow your nose.....
by the way, i like to have my anal way with anerexic homo's.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lyds,

speaking of which, when you making that again?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,

you would know!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,

leave it to you to see the secret messages.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

married man,

HA HA -- looks like someone got called into the office!

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I never had a condom full of speed explode in my butt...but I had a federal prison guard ask me to transport drugs in my... ahem...bagina to Chicago once. I think that guy is the 6th fucking pig.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

i do believe you are going to have to expand upon that story.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Well, it is quite a tale. I just started my new crappy blog and if I can figure out how to do this stuff I will weave a yarn. Or something like that...

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

I know, I know, Merks??? I'm attentive that way.

I also noticed that on at least one of the pages, I won't tell you which one because it should be a surprise and you'll piss yourself laughing when you finally see it, that it had a pig in it!

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

damn, this is the college of pig knowledge round here!!

merks be gettin down to those german roots. krauts can't say one sentance without a schwein reference or two.

my favorite is when someone is getting overly friendly or familiar. A little tooo cozy. You can bust this:

"Haben wir schon zusammen schweine gehüttet ?!?!"

(Translation: "what, have we already sheltered pigs together ?!)

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

I did not. I just got spanked with the paddle.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

hey man bridget came over for slow roast pork part 2 i made it a few weekends ago...that shit was delicious.

but fear not more pork will be roasted soon. very, very soon. i want to host a southern style bbq very soon complete with bourbon and sweet tea cocktails, red velvet cake, corn bread and other crazy southern delights. to gain entrance everyone was wear southern garb - you wil need to procure a seer-sucker suit and bridget will need to score a big ol' garden hat with an obnoxious floppy brim. i will dress as mammy from Gone With the Wind.

it will be magic.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

Funky,

that shit was delicious.
merkley missed out

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

it's about god damned time you started a blog. like duh. everybody has a blog and there still just arent enough.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan.

those arent really pigs.

they are ugly children.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

holly,

you're right about my german roots. how did you know?

was it all the nazi talk? the white supremacy?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

mm

you're still gonna eventually get fired for your nasty talk. just be making a plan b -- that's all i'm sayin.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lyds and bridge,

i knew i should have pulled my ass out of bed.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

you think so?

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

hahaha, these are hilarious.

i have nothing to offer.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

we all make mistakes that is what makes us beautiful creatures.
lucky for you i love to cook so as i said it wont be long before i whip up some muther fucking magic again.

i need to test cook my recipe for braised short ribs so there may be a rib off sometime soonish.

 

Post a Comment

July 14, 2005

A B C D E F U





That's all for now!
Don't get caught wishing poop started with another letter besides "P"
Your Favorite Word in Alphabet Soup,
Hmk Gietpz

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous kelly leigh is a gaywad.

merkley. that is brilliant. sorry. your more extravagant efforts to entertain me, have just resulted in confusion and alienation, but this simplicity proves your undying genius.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

kelly,

extravagant? what the fuck are you talking about? this blog is about boogers and poop.

i understand. those are two very very confusing topics, alienating even, due to the sheer extravagance.

i'm glad i could break it down to even a more pre-school level for you.

i'll try not to be so smart and confusing in the future.

me forget that:

dumb is smart and smart is dumb, cause me have finger up me bum.

anyway, thanks -- i guess.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Wow that was totally worth the month that it probably took you to put that together. I can't wait to have kids so they can learn to read on your blog.

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

I think D is my favorite :) But... well... the other letters are ok too.

I liked the rhyming ones... (Hee hee hee)

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

Will F. informs me that you get a lifetime free pass for this post

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Your new style of blogging is so awesome! Not only is it so funny that I am still giggling as I write this, but it is so graphics heavy that it takes ten minutes to load and I can can get all my other blogs read while I wait for my favorite! In this post "F" is my favorite, the little kids running from the French Faggot Fourth of July lovers is hysterical! A lot of work and love goes into these posts...can ya feel the love?

 

Anonymous African Nipples is a gaywad.

I'm a Negro, whose gonna nurse me?

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

African Nipples... can I say that?! Is that PC?!

I imagine you can be nursed by chimpanzees, well paid french maids [which I wouldn't recommend since they run away from big cocks and fireworks] or hot russian women [which I *would* recommend... but don't take *my* word for it]... pretty much your choice there.

 

Anonymous African Nipples is a gaywad.

inner fonzie, thanks for your recommendations? i prefer a suckling large hairy merkley???

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

sweet fancy moses merkley???!I love you, and your teabagging negros. Genius doesn't even describe.....so I'll just keep talking about dog semen on my own blog out of shame.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

french faggot is one of my favorite things to say. and now it is one of my favorite things to read.

 

Blogger ScaryCheri is a gaywad.

yesss...second time I ever heard the word turtle head in that fashion.
Too funny

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

I am fucking in love!

Honkey.

~Ty

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,

thanks.

a month? that's what you think? i have been working on this piece for 20 years.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

inner gilligan

duude,
they aaaalllll rhyme maaannnn, you just gotta slow down and get with the rythym -- feel the vibe, let it flow -- poetry like.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,

free pass? william f. buckley? is he still on the comedy circuit?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

ha ha -- you are a dial-up retard!

thanks. i'm glad you like it. probably won't always be that way, it's only a matter of time before i'm back to depressing posts about poop.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

negro nipples.

that's all i wanted to say.

thanks.

see you when you're all growed up.

good luck with that btw!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

married man!

THERE IS NO SHAME IN DOF SEMEN!!

HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH!! LET YOUR ASS TRUMPETS SOUND AND FILL THE SKY!!

seriously though, dog semen is some really heavy stuff. shipping is a bitch.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lyds,

YEAH!! FUCK FRANCE!! THOSE FUCKING FAGS!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

scary cheri,

my mom used to get mad at me when i would excuse myself to visit my pet

TURDle --- really anunciate the D -- it's a great way to do it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ty,

get in line.

ha!

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Merkley???, I know you are but what am I?! Yeah, too cheap to get the fast connect, I hoard my money...wear Kleenex boxes for shoes.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Do you want some rabies?

 

Blogger ScaryCheri is a gaywad.

I have no idea what this says....but...some how I thought you should have it, a gift, from my heart.... Consider it a cyber greeting card

 

Blogger drunkbh is a gaywad.

This shit is too good!

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

You are soooo going to hell. Loved G & H but who's canoodling with the dog's but behind the fence?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

make me.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,

rabies. no thanks. but if you could spare some chicken pox -- i'm all out of cereal.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

scary,

vomiting dildo. nice. it reminds me of the time i was playing the "yo mamma's so..." game and i came up with this one:

Yo mamma's so ugly her dildo can't stay hard.


what.-- shut up. i was in junior high. admit that rules.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

drunkbh,

thanks!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,

the canoodler is none other than GARY COLEMAN!!

let's here it for GARY COLEMAN!!

speaking of midgets, the new willy wonka sucks.

 

Post a Comment

July 13, 2005

Frog and Fish and The Giant Penis of Death



You should be able to figure out how to turn the pages of this fine piece of literature. If you can't, please punch yourself in the face for me.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught stealing illustrations from crappy kid's books and re-writing them as crappy adult books!
Your number one drunk pooper,
Dr. Seuss???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

you could very well be my hero. I always think I'm a princesses vj, and then I fuck myself with a blowtorch and a cher cd.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

That was the sweetest fairie tale ever written.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

never say 'we can fuck later" never.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

I think fish is way WAY to good for that freaking druggo frog. Why doesn't she ever notice me? I'm a nice guy... sorta... I hate that frog, I hope Asshole bird beats him to death with the Giant Penis of Death. Then I can comfort fish in her time of hardship, and she'll see my compasionate side, and will notice me, and we'll fall in Love with a capital L, and we can finally be happy together forever.

Mmmmm... sushi!

 

Anonymous HotDogGrrrrl is a gaywad.

you had me at HOT DOG Pinching Sphincter. . . im in love.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Dude, I am so high right now......

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

married man,

HOLY SHIT!!

I think i found someone more derranged, imean FUNNY and totally sinecere and honest than ME!

thanks for leaving a note. i will be chaecking your blog regularly, if for nothing else, than to remind myself that i'm not TOO OVER THE TOP!

somewhere once i saw a collection of x-rays documenting things that people have had stuck up their butts in an emergency room. i remember one of them was a cd.

ouch.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

i know.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,

we can fuck later.

don't tell me what to do.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,

figures you'd like sushi.

fag.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

hot dog girl,

i know what women want to hear.

i don't blame you.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,

but are you swimming in your own jalapeno poop?

that's what i thought.

good for you!

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

I'll pick you up later.
see, I made you say it.
I knew you'd have to day it.
I know , today is backwards day.

I've got some vegan dogs.
hey, Hot dog girl!
wanna party?

 

Blogger .Ophelia. is a gaywad.

cute ;o) In a poo talk kinda way, which is abohorring, I can look part it because you've got charm my friend, charm.

yep.

 

Blogger .Ophelia. is a gaywad.

*past

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

hey ophy,

nothin better than pleasing a poop joke hating person with a poop joke.

wait till i charm you with a cold donkey jizz story.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Stop using one liners to repsond to people ya trash magnet. Not all of us can be a hero on a blow torch. (nice by the way MM).

What happened to our main man Bunks?

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

I just re-read the whole story again. I love it, all though I think you teasing us and setting up a sequel by not saying exactly how the Giant Penis of Death kills Frog and Fish or does fly swoop in and save them last minute? Guess we'll have to wait two years for the second book...

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

The blowtorch thing I'll admit is true (and it hurts like hell, but feels like home), but I have to admit I lied about the cher cd. It was josh groban. fuck man, i'm sorry. can we start over?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Satan,
Bunks was in Tasmania last time I communicated with him. i think maybe he married a goat and is trying to conceive.

he told me he'd be back in melbourne soon.

who knows. that guy is a total liar.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

that all depends on the publisher, promotions etc..
i'm in talks about a movie deal on this one, usually sequels are part of the discussion. i'll keep you posted.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

married fag

start over? start over?

what the fuck is that supposed to mean.

 

Anonymous melina is a gaywad.

merkley???, my head hurts from laughing repeatedly today...hell, my butt hurts too from it all...
it's all too much for one who hasn't visited merkleyville in over a week--had no idea all of these preciously written and pooped gems awaited.

i've got to make the knitting factory hollywood shows. i must. or i will die and go to heavén.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks melina,

i'm glad you like them. they are fun to make although it's probabbly too much work for the final result.

please, if you come to the kf show -- make sure to come up and say hi.

 

Post a Comment

July 12, 2005

If I Was a Dude Named Farley...

If I was a paraplegic, I would dress up like a pretzel.



If I was a giant soft pretzel at the mall and I ran into one of those faggy little dry pretzels in a bag I'd say; "Hey Bag Pretzel, a 130 year old woman called, she wants the dryness of her vagina and the brittleness of her bones back!" and then I'd get all stretchy, steamy and wiggly and unwrap myself just to make that dry little brittle dickhead feel like a butthole.



If I was an actual Butthole, I'd probably lay awake in bed at night thinking about what it would be like to be a pasta machine with all those attachments, because I'm pretty sure I'd dream of making poop in all the popular noodle shapes.



If I was an inventor with a giant factory at my disposal, I would immediately begin manufacturing a pasta machine that looked like Gary Coleman taking a poop. I know what people want.



If I was the most annoying party guest ever, I would be a hippie Italian dude with dreadlocks and I'd talk about my idea for a new restaurant called The Pastafarian and then I'd explain how all the employees would wear rasta hats with fake dreadlocks made out of noodles and they'd have to say "Pasta mon" all the god damn time.



If I was Reggae Music, I would hold a press conference and admit that Bob Marley was my only real accomplishment and then I'd plead with hippies and frat dudes to stop giving me a bad name and making me want to kill myself.



If I was Suicide, I'd want to polish up my public image so I would legally change my name to D.I.Y. because then when people killed themselves people could say: "Yeah, Charlie D.I.Y.ed" which if you pronounce it and say it out-loud, (Deeyewied), it sounds like a really cute babytalk way of just saying; "Charlie died."



If I was a dude named Farley, I suppose my nickname would be Fuck.



creepy pictures provided by
b e c k y c a r t e r . c o m


That's all for now!
Don't get caught dressing up your five year old daughter like an expensive hooker!
Your, pretzel dicked amigo,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Ok, you win. This is the grossest, most fucked up, horrendous....help me, I need more words meaning bad...uhhhh, bad thing ever. Worse than Brian Peppers and elephants peeing and defacating. Worse than topless ugly lesbians and zitty arms. Worse than that fucked up horse hatin' site. Worse than hotdogs up your butt and my green puke. What is wrong with these childrens' parents, aren't there laws? Where is the outcry of humanity? ugh...I feel woogie.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

i thought you might like those.

i actually had a version where i added catalogue numbers and hourly rates, but i even creeped myself out.

they are creepy enough as is.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

dude you should have kept the hourly rates...that is fucking brilliant.

man those bitches are creepy what kind of parent dresses up their kid so that men will lust after thier tiny hoo has.

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

get your girls over pronto (emily, allannah etc) and start recreating these shots. imitating glazed over mattell dolls is priceless! I'm sure one could win a prize in the "baby's got it too!" contest...

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

Hmm... I guess when you hit 34, they all look young to me... I was thinking "Yeah... I'd do her (why is he still talking about shit noodles, it keeps taking the blood out)...

Yeah, I'd do her... (ha! Pastafarian! HAHA!... fuck... noodle died again)...

Yeah.. I'd... wait..

is that a doll... oh my... number 5 has chubby arms... wait.. these are young girls... they can't be more than 17... I could get arrested.

I mean... I'd do a 17 if I couldn't get arrested and she didn't have chubby arms... but... you know... it all came together in the comments.

Thanks... now I'm just freaked out ...

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

Now i realize that I was seriously lacking in style.
My Mom hated me, she'd never bother to do anything like that.
besides, in those days, child molesters were old school. they liked their little girls to look like children.
I know, pretty sick.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lydia,

no, seriously, i had them all made up, like 49.99 hr, 3hr min. # 6677 and they were all done and everything and then i realized that these poor girls arent making any of the decisions and i got kinda sad and i even felt uncomfortable even putting them up as is.

also, i was afraid that the woman who took the photos would google her name and find my site. you can see that i spaced out her name and didn't provide an actual link.

i'd be horrified to think that one of these girls at age nine googled the photographers name only to find me calling them a hooker.

the parents deserve a little ridicule, i don't think the kids do.

end of self righteous sermon.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

holly,

no kidding. i'm not too far off as it is. which makes it all the more disturbing.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

inner potsy,

yeah, kinda nauseating once you realize what you were actually seeing.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,

what is sick is that the attempts are to make these girls appeal to men who like expensive hookers of legal age.

some moms are really gross.

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

HA!

Inner Potsy...

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Bwhahhahahhahhahaaaa, I love my work! I so own you America. Now if only we could have them being run down as a group by a car being driven by drunk paedophile. I think that might be my next reality TV show.


If my nickname was Fuck, I'd probably be one of their parents.

If I was one of their parents I wouldn't wonder why god had blighted me with bowel cancer.

If I was bowel cancer I too would want the attachments for pasta machine that looked like Gary Coleman taking a poop.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

such a restaurant exists in the bahamas. it's just three letters short of pastafarian and simply titled pastafari. and there are no waiters with noodle dreadlocks or hats. wow, this comment was fairly useless.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Satan,

have you ever had bowel cancer flambe?

if i was satan, that would be on my desert menu.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

anonymous,

there are no useless comments, only useless hippies.

ok -- ya got me, i'm that useless italian hippie. it is I that can't stop talking about my awesome idea. but alas, my ego is deflated by a tale of an imposter in some plural form of bahama.

maybe i'll hafta start talking about my arnold scharzenegger/mexican themed italian restaurant called Pasta La Vista.

if somebody shot me point blank in the eye right now i would totally understand.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

A quickly melting colostomy bag and an oxidised cancerous sphincter, is but but one menu item I'd try if didn't have to look at those vapid mannequins and know they're real.

The blistering incandescence of a fulling flaming bowel also lights a table with a certain romantic light don't you think?!

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Sorry Merks, having re-read that I think I farted on your blog...

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

If it weren't for the Pasta la Vista comment I would have no hope for tommorrow. Seriously, this little girl made up to be beauty queen thing is eating at my soul.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Satan,

How do you live with yourself?

I know how Merkley??? does it: lots of speedballs.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,
yes i do think you farted on my blog, but i have come to expect such things from the prince of darkness.

no go back to hell. say hello to stalin and and the dude that played mr. brady for me.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

i think your soul probably resembles girl number 5. i imagine it tastes like cotton candy or gum.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Strange, literally girl #5 could be me when I was a little girl, of course without the beauty queen hair, lipstick, fake eyelashes, foundation, powder, eyeshadow, bow, poofy dress, strange coached vapid expression...but yeah, other than that I think you would say I looked just like her as a child. My soul tastes like cotton candy or gum, I think that might be the nicest thing I've heard this week.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

not to be a bitch or anything, but you don't have permission to use my photograph on your weblog.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

dude you're right i didn't even think of the children. man that is the saddest fucking part. these poor little girls are going to grown up one day look back at those photos and be like "MY MOM IS A FUCKING NUTTBAG!"

good for on protecting the children. i cannot say that i would have been as tactful.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,

yes i do have your permission.

you need to not drink so much.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lyds,

yeah. i'm soooo moral.

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

Those girls looks so fucking adorable when you're high.

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

How did I miss this entry?

Tell me that those are dolls, and not real little girls. That is sick. Yeah, I know I let my daughter dance, and she looks freakish in her make-up, but that's different. Maybe. I think. Shit. It isn't.

Please let me comment on your blog. I love your blog.

 

Anonymous Connie Riso is a gaywad.

Not assured.

 

Post a Comment

July 10, 2005

13 100% Guaranteed Effective Pick Up Lines. (Unless You're Ugly, Nothing but Money Works For You)

1. Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? (Pull your pockets inside out....) I have AIDS.



2. If you pay me 50 bucks, I'll kill anyone in here with a banana.

3. Use index finger to call someone over then say: I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do if it had a booger on it. Do you think I look like Jesus Christ?



4. Your right leg is Christmas and your left leg is Easter, my weiner is Jesus so basically your vagina is like, I don't know, like my birthday or something. Can I see your vagina please? HA HA, what if you had my birthday cake in your vagina? THAT WOULD BE AWWWWESOOOOOME!! Seriously, Can I see your vagina?



5. If you and I were squirrels, you would like nuts and stuff and like, my hot dog would be like a picnic... Can I see your vagina please?

6. Hurry, pretend you're my girlfriend, My ex-bitch is here and she's a fucking jealous fucking psycho. You just HAVE to see how retarded she looks when she puts on her STAB face. Don't worry though, she's totally wasted and she hardly ever actually "stabs" people anymore. HA HA just kidding, I'm gay. I hate bitches. Make out with me.

7. Will you please settle a bet? My friend thinks you're Rosanne. I told him that you're Margaret Cho. Wow, did you eat bacon earlier? Dude, you stink.

8. What the fuck is up with your weird boobs?



9. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I ----- umm --- between S and T and then it would spell SUIT right there in the middle of the alphabet. Rad huh? We'd be all (singing) A B C D E F G, H shhh J K L M N O P, Q R SUIT Shhhh Shhh V, W X, TAKE A PEEEEEEEEEEEE, Zeeeeeeeeeeee! -- ( Laugh uncontrollably and knock her drink over) Can I see your vagina now?

10. Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind kicking old ladies in the tits and screaming something about maggots in your honkyhonk all night. Can I borrow five bucks?

11. Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and you look like E.T. Here, pull my finger. Oh yeah, also, my penis is a phone or something.



12. Do you have a tampon I can borrow? Something hot is leaking out of my butt. Don't forget to write your phone number on it so I can give it back to you when I'm done with it. Now HURRY UP, it's seriously leaking BAAAAD!

13. Are those space pants? Cuz your ass is spacey and it looks like E.T.'s which is funny because my penis looks like E.T.'s finger on account of it got mangled in an eggbeater. Plus I have herpes. You like?

BONUS!. Can I see your left boob -- or no, wait, -- the big one, the one on YOUR left, MY right. (poke the other one with your finger and say in E.T.'s voice) oooooowwww.




That's all for now!
Don't get caught E.T. fingering anything stinky!!
Your, man who knows how to talk to women,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous lalalalani is a gaywad.

Now that you've seen ET I hope you realize how incredibly disrespectful your post was to our little friend from outer-space.
ET is not a pervert, he's my inter-plantary pal.
May you rot in hell.

 

Anonymous lalalalani is a gaywad.

ummm...
goddamn it.
i spellchecked that bitch.
fuck microsoft.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

that little lizard had it coming lani.

what a selfish little jerk he was.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

lalalalani,

I don't think you realise that merkeythreequestionmarks is always welcome in hell, particularly for spreading the word that ET has AIDS and likes little boys. We regularly play hopscotch and eat fairy bread on the edge of the lake of fire with Stalin and Mother Teresa.

Merks, I tried 1. and 2. with some success, unfortunately my banana broke and was forced to flee in flurry of shame and self loathing.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

And your still single? Shocking!

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Is no. 4 a variation on an established pick up line? because I've never heard it and I want to learn.

oh, and whenever I see the movie E.T. I cry like a little girl. just thought you should know that.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Add an apostrophe and an "e" to my above post. Damned punctuation} my love for you is over;

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

single by CHOICE yo.

are you trying to say these arent sexy?
don't lie.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,

yes, it is an old established pick up line.

it goes, easter, christmas, spend time between the holidays -- AND ITS FUCKING HILARIOUS!!

ALL PICK UP LINES ARE HILARIOUS!!

YOU CANT GO WRONG!!

JUST THE IDEA THAT YOU ARE SINGLE AND TRYING TO THINK OF SOMETHING CLEVER TO SAY BECAUSE YOU"D LIKE TO SEE SOMEONES NAKED GENITALS IS COMPLETELY HILARIOUS AND NOT PATHETIC IN THE SLIGHTEST IS HILARIOUS!!
I CANT STOP WRITING HILARIOUS AND IT'S NOT HILARIOUS!!

CATS AND DOGS ARE HILARIOUS THOUGH!! YOU CAN TELL I REALLY MEAN IT BECAUSE I AM YELLING!! NOT REALLY YELLING THOUGH!! I'M ACTUALLY REALLY QUIET!! ALL YOU CAN REALLY HEAR IS THE LONELY SOUND OF PLASTIC KEYS CLICKING!! I ASSURE YOU THOUGH THAT INSIDE MY HEAD I AM SCREEEEAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS AND IT IS TOTALLY HILARIOUS!!

HEY, NOW THERE'S A FUNNY THOUGHT!! WHAT IF MY LUNGS WERE IN MY HEAD??? THAT WOULD BE WEIRD!! THEN I WOULD HAVE A STUPID PULSATING ACTION LIKE THAT FAG ET!!! HEY,DO YOU LIKE HOW I BROUGHT THAT ALL BACK AROUND AND WRAPPED IT IN A NICE LITTLE BOW!!??

yeah well, i didn't.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

"Yo"? You! Yo, yo....yo. Yo. Damn, that is going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Thanx.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

don't make fun of my negro heritage.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

I almost forgot about Satan,

Yeah, you see, the deal is that you dont actually go around the room trying to kill people with the banana, the thing is to get her fifty bucks and split.

or just , you know, have sex with her or something. thats what single people do when they are drunk.

you are single -- right SATAN?

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

I'll bet my arm is longer than your leg.
here lets test it out.
stick out your leg.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,
i dont get that.

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

#10 works.. except I asked to see her vagina and ended up paying her 20 bucks... but hey... it's a start.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

inner fonzie,

you have the best name.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

I dont see what the big deal is, vaginas (vaginae?) are boring unless they are wearing a set of dentures and a merkin.

Mine likes to wear a glass eye when it has to go to the doctor's office. the nurse always screams and drops the speculum.

I'll show the "my arm is longer than your leg" trick sometime

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,

don't think i haven't noticed your mission to educate everyone i know that the root of my name has it's origins in the pubic wig.

it's cute.

stop puttin eyeballs up your butt.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Sorry Merks, I'm kinda tied to the Whore of Babylon, or is that tied up and covered in baby lotion. I'm never quite sure, it's one of those relationships.

Anyways, if I don't actually try and kill anyone where's the fun and blood and stuff?

HA! Bridget! Arm longer than leg... Has that actually worked on you??

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Satan,

point taken, it's very complex being the lord of darkness and all, i sometimes forget to run things through that filter.

i think i just got the arm/leg joke.

let me guess, you measure from the foot end and you end up with your hand up their butt?

huh? see?

i'm slow, but i ain't THAT? slow.

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

Thanks merkley ... I like your name too. Says a lot for such a short word.

I didn't get the arm/leg thing until you came up with that one. I was thinking that you get them to hold their leg out and then you give them a charlie horse right on the thigh... laugh... and ask to see her vagina. (or vaginae as the case may be)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

inner fonz,

yes, i do believe a charlie horse can be effective, same with indian burns and noogies.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

I'll show yo an Indian burn!

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

You should try a few of these out and post some results for us.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

you are docked 15 points for improper use of the word YO.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

digidawg,

try them? i lived them!

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

How many points do I have left because I have several more improper uses of yo in me. Uuhhhh, did that sound right? Yo in me? hehehehehe yo.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

yeah, the system is pretty gay. you have like unlimited points. docking you is only supposed to make you feel stupid and put you up to public scorn.

fuck fidel castro -- am i right?

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

yeah fuck 'im, yo yo!....wait, why?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy

because of fidel castro and kelly rippa. and how much you disappointed your mother.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

hey I found tinyurl...I think you should hide little links all over your site, it would be like a game to find them. Your site is so ornate it would be easy...

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

ahhh, disappointing my Mother. Now I get it. Fidel, Kelly and Mom....birds of a feather create scorn together.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Inner Fonzie, on a different subject, you make it hard to comment on your blog.

 

Blogger Ajax is a gaywad.

Hey those are pretty good!

My new favorites are:

"I want to make it with you.....missionary style!"

and

"I would like to have protected sex with you"

and

"Colt 45.....works every time!"

and

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

I am amazed that you forgot the most effective of them all.

Hey, do you like that STYX band? Me neither, now I'm going to fuck your asshole and don't cry for your mom.

 

Blogger platkat is a gaywad.

Do you sleep on your stomach? Mind if I strapped on a dildo and ass-rammed your best friend in your bed while you sleep?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

platkat,

shucks. i thought this was an awesome proposition until i found out it was just a comment to this post.

o well.

 

Post a Comment

July 08, 2005

I Tasted Pee!

But not on purpose.

And only once.

I was in the back yard with my step brother Chad. We decided that it was time to take a pee. I don't know why little dudes like to pee together, they just do. Often times they will pick the same target to destroy.

You know, when you're a young boy, you can pee a million miles. You've got a small weenie with a small pee hole and a super elastic strong squeezer muscle. We used to have pee contests to see who could pee the farthest or highest. I'm not fucking kidding you, the dudes all know this, but I could pee like fifty stories into the air. We used to shoot ducks out of the sky with our pee. I remember when I could point my weenie straight down at the ground and pee as hard as I could and I kid you not, I could launch myself ten feet in the air with my jet powered pee stream. I even drilled a tunnel through a wall ten feet thick with just my pee stream! One time, I swear to Jesus, I sliced a bowling ball clean in half. LASER PEE I'M TELLING YOU!!

That all changed when I hit puberty and I grew a penis the size of a Pringles can. Sure It's impressive to behold, but I can't even pee above my head anymore. DAMN PUBERTY! DAMN BIG PEE HOLE!



Innywaaays, back to the story.

So Step Brother Chad and I are in the back yard and we decided to pee on a weed.

The mission was to destroy.

We both engaged our weapons when for some reason I thought it might be funny to threaten him with my pee stream. This was a fairly common joke. You just nudge your pee stream uncomfortably close to your friends foot. It's basically a game of chicken with pee. That's all I was doing. I swear. I had no intention to pee on my step brother.

"Ha ha fag! I'm gonna pee on your shoe!" I said. Again NEVER intending to do so.

But that little fucker thought I was serious so he just, without saying anything, no warning, no nothin', sliced me with his pee saber. The slice went from my lower chest and went in a straight diagonal line up through my neck and diagonally across my face. I was surprised so my mouth was wide open and I received about 20 drops of pee right to the back of my throat.

Pee tastes warm and salty.

The End.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught trying to slice an unflushed turd with your pee stream!
Your low pressure giant fire hose,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

FUNNY! This is why I love you!

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

me too.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

I meant I tasted pee pee, too.
not poo poo, at least not that I'm aware of.

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

I don't want to distract from your pee story, so I'll cut to the chase:


Deathbed
Me
Misery
Dismay
Regret




Farewell friend.

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Wild Bill, what are you talking about?!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
thanks!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,

oh you have trasted poop. i guarantee it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bunks,

drink lots of water.

take four aspirin.

if you have some food in the fridge eat it. all of it. going into the bathroom and puking ain't such a bad idea.

i told you to stay away from tasmania.

i hear that place is filled with devils.

 

Blogger Ajax is a gaywad.

Hey I have a nagging philosophical question that perhaps only Merkeley??? can answer.....

What's grosser? Puke or poo?

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

I once thought it was a good idea to pee straight up. Naturally I pissed all over myself. I was 22, but in my defense, I was stunningly drunk.

 

Anonymous merkley??? is a gaywad.

ajax,

that may ne the most intelligent question i ever heard.

i have given it much thought, over 24 hours really and i have realized that it simply cannot be answered by picking one or the other.

my first inclination was to say BARF because as gross as your typical poop is, it's fairly contained and with the exception of corn and your occasional watermelon seed, it doesn't look anything like whatever you ate. there are obvious exceptions to this such as fudge etc... but generally a poop doesnt remind me of food which is an important consideration in the gross/makesmewanttopuke factor

one also needs to consider the display area.

i am choosing a sidewalk as that represents a place to encounter poop and or barf in a neutral enviroment.

there are just so many things to consider when asking this question.

is the barf steamy or cold? splayed out or contained in a bowl? is the poop diarrhea smooth or little rabbit balls?

is it mine or someone elses?

is that someone else a beautiful girl or a disgusting slob?

baby poop and barf are completely in a different category.

what was eaten before said pooping or barfing?
do i have to touch it?

see?

i'm not really getting anywhere here. there are too many unanswered variables to give a conclusive answer.

i will however leave you with this:

the smell of fresh vomit causes me to want to vomit. while the smell of a turd never makes me want to vomit or poop. interestingly, boogers also produce a gagging reflex.

i will give this some more thought, i have been searching for a subject for my thesis and this just may be it.

thanks.

 

Anonymous merkley??? is a gaywad.

digidude,

yeah, but did you TASTE it?

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

Merkley and Ajax, I don't know if this will be any help to your quest for knowledge, but I have some facts that could help. I ate a really gross Quarterpounder meal from McDonalds with a blue Powerade drink. We went out and did some hiking, then we took winding roads home. I puked for the first time in 10 years...it was green. Why was my puke green? It took some thought, but evidently yellow McDonalds fries and Blue Powerade make green puke! So, my contribution to the debate is this, poop is poop, but puke can change color once in the stomach, I think puke is grosser and more interesting as you get to use the skills you learned in gradeschool with the colorwheel! Too fun! Oh, I also learned, no matter how fucking hungry you are, do not eat at McDonalds as it is POISON! the end

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

thank you for that lovely story.

i'm glad i couldn't smell it.

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

Wendy,

It may be a little late for this, but your lack of puking is caused by one of two things...

1) You don't drink enough

or

2) You smoke a lot of weed

Though, could be a combination of the two. I commend you on continuing your hike though.

 

Post a Comment

July 06, 2005

Hot Dog Pinching Sphincter Testers Wanted



C
ould you cut a raw hot dog in half with your sphincter?

Look, the conversations ain't so good at my joint lately.

All debate.
No agreement.

The other night I had a few friends over for drinks and as usual, the conversation quickly turned to poop and buttholes and frozen hot dogs.

Yawn. That old conversation? Again?

Anyway, it started out simple enough. We were discussing bar tricks that could make a person a little extra dough here in San Francisco. My suggestion was to insert a frozen hot dog up your butt before you go out and then later on at the bar take collections on a bet that you could pull a nice hot dog out of your pooper as like a service, you know, when everyone is getting a little hungry -- for all to enjoy, eat, sniff, marvel or whatever, kinda like The Tamale Lady.

Seemed simple enough except the girls seemed to think that if you put a hot dog up your butt it would create explosive diarrhea and you'd never make it to the bar without souping up your pants. The dudes were all logical arguing that the rectum is a perfectly good place to store something food texturey because after-all, poop is just food a little later on -- right? Drug smugglers have stuff up their butts all the time. Easy Schmeasy.

But the girls would not listen to our logic. Personally I think they have had poop experiences with stuff up their butts. I don't want to go out on a limb and say that they were uniquely qualified to talk on the subject, but they certainly were speaking with authority -- that's all I'm sayin.



Of course it follows that eventually we would be discussing the texture and temperature, the curviness or lack thereof of the rectum and whether or not a hot dog could survive such an insertion and subsequent voyage in tact. The argument was loud and heated. I pretty sure we all wished we had a hot dog to test right there and then and I'm also pretty sure we were secretly picking out the person we would like to see perform the test -- i know that I imagined each and everyone of my fellow debaters in some type of stirrups being tonged and hot dogged. I didn't want to, but I'm a very visual person. Fuck off.

Anyway, I suggested that we place an ad on craigslist and find some testers. The women balked. I think they could visualize their position crumbling --- or --- I mean, their hot dog NOT crumbling, or mushing, or liquefying or whatever awful thing it was that they were imagining would happen to a hot dog stored in a poop chute.

Anyway, so the big questions are:

1. Can you store a hot dog up your butt and then remove it pretty much in tact?

2. If so, how long?

3. Footlong?

4. How about a really spicy polish dog?

5. Can a sphincter actually pinch off a new hot dog like it can a turd?

6. Who has the strongest sphinchter on earth and what can they successfully pinch off? A frozen hot dog? A roll of quarters? An iron bar?

7. Where the fuck does ESPN3 stand on this issue?

look, the interest was high, the debate was heated, I'm quite certain the world wants to know. Uncomfortably, I suspect that someone reading this blog already has this information.

Well COUGH IT UP! or POOP IT OUT! If you have the answers, you owe them to us for being such a Stick Stuff Up Your Butt Type Person.



That's all for now!
Don't get caught testing the strength of your sphinky!
Your Ever Scientifically Minded, Marching Bravely Into The Future, Buddy,

merkley???

Oh, yeah, also, I decided that the best new way to say that you broke up with someone would be to say that you "Pinched them off"

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous Oscar is a gaywad.

This is disgusting and stupid. Shove a poodle up your butt and let it bite your prostate!

San Frangayfag is destroying your once very fertile mind.

Go to Church.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Oscar,

Make me. Don't even try to pretend that you're not merkley??? just posting a comment to make it look like people give a fuck.

 

Anonymous Oscar is a gaywad.

you caught me.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wasn't hard. me being you and all.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

My friends and I discovered that every high school in America had a girl who got a hot dog stuck in her cooter. At my school it was Carmen Black. How about your school?

 

Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

I'm not sure about the hot dog up the butt pinching off thing but I just came up with a great recipe! Since "Oscar" links to Kraft foods it got me thinking....hmmmmm: Here is my recipe for "Hotdogs ala Shells and Cheese" Ingredients:

1 Oscar Meyer Hotdog
1 Box Kraft Velveeta Shells and Cheese
1 warm rectum
1 steak knife (to open box of Velveeta Shells and Cheese)
1 cup very warm water
1 douchebag w/ nozzel

Take steak knife and stab open box of Kraft Velveeta Shells and Cheese. Once cheese pillow is perforated and has oozed all over crunchy shells, proceed to shove the cheesy mixture up your hiney followed by hotdog. Fill douchebag with warm water and squirt that into your bum. Now, very important, HOLD ON! Hold it, Hold it!! Jump up and down for 20 minutes. Jump, Jump, Jump, the Mac Daddy says Jump! Now it's ready to plate. Grab your best Chinet and Poop away! garnish as desired.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

So that's a young merkley??? in those pictures, right?

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

I'd only put a vegan tofu dog up my butt.
Not that wont eat meat, I just dont wanting it coming and going...
huh?

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

interesting concept. i mean it sounds perfectly viable. if the tamale lady can sell tamales from a cooler that may or may not be clean why can't you sell or bet people that hot dogs can materialize from your anus? it's probably warmer there and more sanitary.

i say do it.

i'll take a spicy polack...cause that is what i am.

 

Blogger pisscock mcgee is a gaywad.

My god, my mind has not worked so fervently at an issue in weeks. I'd like to have an operation that installs some sort of razor system in my o-ring so that I could earn money clipping the ends off wealthy gentlemen's cigars. nobody seems to be answering your queries, so I'll give it a shot:

1- yes, unless you, like a pigeon or other common bird with no digestive system, ate a bunch of gravel to grind up your food for you
2-I will guess (seriously guys) at eight inches, for the normal, healthy male ranging in height from 5'10" to 6'1". Length of dog will have to be adjusted for comfort with the subject's height range and sex (women can take more, of course, obivously)
3- perhaps, though some shorter folks might get bent in half on something like that.
4- with a polish dog, i am now concerned with the increasing girth, morseo than the spices.
5- I am forced to guess that, with some practice and muscle-building activities, it should become second nature.
6- A bavarian man named Lars Ullmannster succeeded in snapping a large candle the girth of two normal thumbs, with only his anus, at the 1940 World's Fair in New York (where else?)
7- you got me. they probably have contact information available on the web

What an interesting night that must have been. Makes me wish I had friends to talk to. I'll probably be thinking about this scientific inquiry far into the night. And I'd be remiss if I did not mention that I am of course a little bit worried what my own evening will bring; for I have a pack of 4 hot dogs sitting in the fridge as I type. Dear god...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Dash,

In my high school her name was geri garcia and once i dreamed that her vagina had vaccum suction and it sucked my flacid weiner into it from at least two feet away. not bad.

rumor is that she became a prostitue.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

holy crap that made me hungry.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

digipussy,

nope. not me. just some random little google dickead riding around in a weiner.

what a dork.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,

i don't get it. are you saying that a vegan is incapable of orgasm? or that his weehoo is made out of tofu?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lydia,

considering that the tamale lady warms the tamales in her mexican oven aka butthole

same diff.

what you said.

not only that but i think the butthole has sufficient scraping ability to render a hot dog germ free,

think germ squeegee.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

pisscock,

btw, folks, pisscocks internet webplace is one of the most interesting you'll find,

thanks for the thoughtfully thorough insights and ideas on such an important matter.

i look forward to hearing the results of tonights inevitable experiment.

while we trust that the insertion will take place, no pictures will be necessary of that part of the experiment. before and after photos of the hot dogs, however, will be great evidence.

if the need for lubrication should arise, might i suggest a little mustard. steer away from brown mustard -- grainy -- and the color isn't really appealing given the nature of the study.

good luck.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Man, hotdogs are old school. Let's talk pineapples; Round end?Spikey end?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Satan,

I like how you think.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

Merkley,
I dont know if you've ever had anything in your butt that you didnt manufacture with your own body, but it just feels like you want it out. NOW! or in a few minutes, but anyhow, a frozen hot dog would not feel that great. I would like a tofu dog up my ass so that a vegen hippie could eat the tofu dog in situ. thats latin for "out of my butt"
A hippie or a super-duper skinny japanese guy with full lips, an over-bite and large adam's apple and long hair. know any?

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

What? Sitting on the toilet with a pile of hotdogs between my legs??

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

??? -

for the record a mexican oven = hoo ha that is why in spanish folks use variants of the phrase - Dar a luz - meaning literally "to give light" the light to which they refer is actually the oven light...you know that one that goes on when you open the oven to look inside.

then again mexicans are pretty lazy and sometimes can't gather the energy to name shit correctly. so yeah...butthole, hoo-ha its all mexican ovens.

germ squeegee eh? interesting. very interesting.

 

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July 01, 2005

Happy Birthday Mr. Blagg!!



M
y friend turns 25 years old today. That's 25 years of sheer Blaggotry and DoucheBlaggery and ScumBlaggery and Bilbo Blagginsery and Blagg Me With a Spoonery and all sorts of other Blaggy crap.

Go over and kick him in the balls.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught not writing anything funny for over two weeks now -- fuck, let's be honest, it's been months since I wrote anything funny. I promise it will all change soon.
Your promise breaking asshole,
merkley????

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous Wendy is a gaywad.

HEY! Don't be talkin' schmack about yourself. You've got enough funny stuff in the archives to last 25 of Blagg's years!

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

once there was a nag who lived with a hag whose son was a fag and washed with rag that made him want to gag so he put it into a bag and gave it a wag and a few years later ran into alex blagg. i hate getting older.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

Dammit, man! I'm jonesing for more Merkley???. It seems like ages since you've posted something revolting.

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

my birthday's coming up too ya know...

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Happy Birthday Blagg

May your quickly dwindling days be filled with much merriment and mirth.

and Merkley... this site was meant to be funny? Hell, I've been taking you seriously all this time. Damn!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
i wouldn't EVER talk smack about myself. I mean, why talk smack when i can DO smack--- wait -- isn't smack a drug? i meant do smack as in slapping myself in the face or openhanding my neck -- something violent.

smack. -- maybe i should start doing smack.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

alex,

quit that.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

digicat,

revolt, i will. repulse, i may. repoop, i don't even know if that is possible unless i eat my own poop and then re-poop it out, i'm not so sure i can promise that. it depends on how desperate i get for attention.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridget,

for your birthday i will get you five old cell phones to smash to bits,

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Oh that SATAN!

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

merkley,
Dont listen to her, look: booze, chicks, fun! cake! god is in the
TV, but fun is real life, right?
you dont want smack, merkley, you want more fun.
i dont want to smash cell phones anymore.
I want to bust-up a car.
need help with hippie-name formula.
love ya, (and I dont mean to be flip, but hell, this is the internet)
b

 

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