Could you cut a raw hot dog in half with your sphincter?
Look, the conversations ain't so good at my joint lately.
All debate.
No agreement.
The other night I had a few friends over for drinks and as usual, the conversation quickly turned to poop and buttholes and frozen hot dogs.
Yawn. That old conversation? Again?
Anyway, it started out simple enough. We were discussing bar tricks that could make a person a little extra dough here in San Francisco. My suggestion was to insert a frozen hot dog up your butt before you go out and then later on at the bar take collections on a bet that you could pull a nice hot dog out of your pooper as like a service, you know, when everyone is getting a little hungry -- for all to enjoy, eat, sniff, marvel or whatever, kinda like The Tamale Lady.
Seemed simple enough except the girls seemed to think that if you put a hot dog up your butt it would create explosive diarrhea and you'd never make it to the bar without souping up your pants. The dudes were all logical arguing that the rectum is a perfectly good place to store something food texturey because after-all, poop is just food a little later on -- right? Drug smugglers have stuff up their butts all the time. Easy Schmeasy.
But the girls would not listen to our logic. Personally I think they have had poop experiences with stuff up their butts. I don't want to go out on a limb and say that they were uniquely qualified to talk on the subject, but they certainly were speaking with authority -- that's all I'm sayin.
Of course it follows that eventually we would be discussing the texture and temperature, the curviness or lack thereof of the rectum and whether or not a hot dog could survive such an insertion and subsequent voyage in tact. The argument was loud and heated. I pretty sure we all wished we had a hot dog to test right there and then and I'm also pretty sure we were secretly picking out the person we would like to see perform the test -- i know that I imagined each and everyone of my fellow debaters in some type of stirrups being tonged and hot dogged. I didn't want to, but I'm a very visual person. Fuck off.
Anyway, I suggested that we place an ad on craigslist and find some testers. The women balked. I think they could visualize their position crumbling --- or --- I mean, their hot dog NOT crumbling, or mushing, or liquefying or whatever awful thing it was that they were imagining would happen to a hot dog stored in a poop chute.
Anyway, so the big questions are:
1. Can you store a hot dog up your butt and then remove it pretty much in tact?
2. If so, how long?
3. Footlong?
4. How about a really spicy polish dog?
5. Can a sphincter actually pinch off a new hot dog like it can a turd?
6. Who has the strongest sphinchter on earth and what can they successfully pinch off? A frozen hot dog? A roll of quarters? An iron bar?
7. Where the fuck does ESPN3 stand on this issue?
look, the interest was high, the debate was heated, I'm quite certain the world wants to know. Uncomfortably, I suspect that someone reading this blog already has this information.
Well COUGH IT UP! or POOP IT OUT! If you have the answers, you owe them to us for being such a Stick Stuff Up Your Butt Type Person.
That's all for now!
Don't get caught testing the strength of your sphinky!
Your Ever Scientifically Minded, Marching Bravely Into The Future, Buddy,
merkley???
Oh, yeah, also, I decided that the best new way to say that you broke up with someone would be to say that you "Pinched them off"
