Show Them All The Beauty They Possess Inside

That's all for now.
Don't get caught telling all the neighborhood's secrets.
Your Attorney Client privileged Son-Of-A-Bitch,
merkley???

Teach Them Well and Let Them Lead The Way.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught pooping on an ant hill.
Your Anti-Blueberry Motherfucking Holy Shit You Finish It,
merkley???

I Believe That Children Are Our Future.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught attributing your own heavy bullshit to random innocent first graders.
Your, Dyed In The Wool Sweater Owner,
merkley???

13 Things That Could've Possibly've Maybe've Been Chico's Final Words If Only He Had Known How to Speak English or Type or Something

Senator Ron "Chico" Lopez
1993-2005

Ladies and gentlemen, Chico has left the building.

Friday, August 19th 2005 at 12 noon, The beloved Senator Ron "Chico" Lopez, bought the farm, flew the coop, gave up the ghost, kicked the bucket, answered the last call, bit the dust, cashed in his chips, reached the end of his rope, paid his tickets, went the way of all jerky and he up and croaked. His decline was fast and sudden and completely full of dignity.

He was a terrific fella, and one fuckin' hell of a good pal.

In Chico's distinguished 10 year term as a Senator, he never once ran a smear campaign, played dirty politics, accepted soft money, or voted against his conscience. He always stood up for treats, and was quick to lie down on the couch for a good nap when he realized he was tired. While other dog senators were busy not being senators because there is no such thing as a dog senate, Chico stood proud as the ONLY dog senator because that was his name and he always stood proud. Even if his name had been Fuckpiddle he would have stood proud anyway because he didn't understand stuff like that, being a dog and all. His dog senate voting record has been hailed by nobody in particular as "remarkably non-existent" and by never once reporting to the "fictional" Dog Congress, Chico maintained a perfect attendance record and will remain as an example to us all of how to have a distinguished, scandal free and rewarding career without ever having to go to work even once --- and with tons and tons of naps.

If Chico had not been a non English speaking dog, or if he had the ability or even a vague desire to type, it is with an absolute, 34% certainty that I can tell you that his final words would have maybe probably perhaps been something kinda sorta along the lines of one of these 13 things -- maybe:

1. Rubber balls and kongs and bones are simply AWESOME!

2. Canned food is better than dry! And hot dogs and cheese are even better than that! -- like by TWICE!

3. The park the park let's go let's go yes alright park park! It is important to be polite though.

4. Big dogs are bullshit, especially ones with weenies. Dumbfuck, tough ass, meathead dickheads.

5. If you come in the house I WILL DEFINITELY YELL! It's my job see -- see yeah ok.

6. My belly, my belly excuse me, did you notice it? Touch it, rub it if you want.

7. Scratch my ass area if you wanna. Here, I'll put it on your leg. Thanks in advance.

8. HOORAY FOR CARS! I have no idea what a senator is. CARS! CARS! CARS!

9. Hamburgers? YES! I can sound like a firetruck siren. Watch OOOOOOOoooooooeeeeeeeooo.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEeeeeeOOOOOOoooooooooooeeeeeeeoooooooough.

10. THROW THAT THING ALREADY! Wait. I need to sniff my weeeg. THROW IT!

11. Cats are some boring ass motherfuckers.

12. Butterface has a nice ass, can you imagine how tight that hole is? Too bad they snipped me, I wouldda liked to've hit that shit. Cheeeeeese --- yuuuuuuummmmm.

13. Shrimp and mushrooms and vegetables in general are dumb. Barf. Oh, Except potatoes sometimes.

The laughs, the one sided conversations, the love, the sweetness, his gentlemanly manner, will forever remain alive in the hearts and minds of those who loved him -- especially mine.

What I can no longer do is get my eyeball one inch from his, give him a great hug, and hear his comforting growlish, moanish, This-Feels-So-Good-Aaaaaahhhhh-Yeeeeaaaahhh thing he always did. That part hurts.

Boy oh boy will that handsome, wonderful dude be missed.

Here's to you Chico my Friendy McFriendoid ChooChee Chawk Chawk CheehoeHee!

That's all for now.
Don't get caught being buried in the backyard unless you're dead like Chico!
Your Grave Digging Death Thinker Abouter,
merkley???

13 Things To Do When It Looks Like Your 85 Year Old Dog Might Be On His Last Legs

I came home last night and Chico wasn't waiting there for me -- only Butterface. I called for him, nothing. I went out in the back yard and he was laying in the middle of a wide open area, when I called him he just kinda lifted his head and wagged his tail a little but didn't come. I had pizza for him. He wasn't interested. Something was wrong. I coaxed him up, nudged him into the house -- he wouldn't even eat canned dog food. This is the first time anything like this has ever happened.

Chico is a good dog and a damn fine friend. He is old. What can you do. I'm glad you asked because I have some ideas:

1. Fondle all his weird lumps while you still can.

2. Cry.

3. Dribble pee drips wherever YOU go so he feels ok about it.

4. Talk with him about who he thinks his replacement should be.

5. Beg him to please eat the hot dog.

6. Don't cry.

7. Pay the vet a bunch of money so he can tell you that your dog is old.

8. Try to figure out a way to bleach out his skeleton and keep it around because skeletons are cool and why let your friend's perfectly good skeleton go to waste.

9. Do some Googling to see if anyone will make a pillow out of him after you remove his skeleton.

10. Remind him that he is 85 years old and that's why he looks like hell.

11. Laugh when he can't get his old legs to cooperate and then cry some more.

12. Sing him songs about his life.

13. Hug him, Tell him he is the best dog ever and then think about how you are eventually going to kill him because that's what you'd want him to do for you.

Senator Ron "Chico" Lopez

That's all for now!
Don't get caught bumming everyone else out by jumping the gun before the blood tests are even back posting about the plight of your wonderful dog when he'll probably just keep on living like an incontinent invalid for a hundred more years. Oh yeah, all living things die.
Your Pee Dribble Clean Up Crew,
merkley???

Pathetic Pathetic Pathetic

Seriously, listen to this pathetic bullshit. It's almost enough to make one want to jump into a bathtub of battery acid.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught laying in bed talking to yourself about yourself.
Your increasingly introverted extrovert,
merkley???

And On the 7th Day, Jesus Made Your Nuttsack

HA! Another audio post.

Oh yeah, and why not watch what a superb fighter Butterface is.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught doing tricks with your underpants in front of grandma,
Your -- you know, you know what I'm talking about,
merkley???

Guess How Lazy I Am.

I'm soooo lazy, that I'm not even going to write a new post, Instead I'm just posting an audio post of me reading my last post because you all hated it so much. See what you get? Now scroll down to hear a monotonous slow interperetation of my own god damned poop. The audio post is in the original post.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught,,,ugh, i'm too lazy too think of anything clever.
Your --- um --- ah fuck it,
merkley???

13 Reasons Why I Like to Make Lists of 13 Things

Hey KIDS! Tired? Wanna fall asleep? Listen to me read this post!

1. Because it's easy. Fuck MAURY POVICH!

2. Because my birthday is on the 13th. (Michael Jackson was let out of prison on my birthday)

3. Because I killed someone on accident once. Just kidding, it was on purpose. Just kidding, accident. GEEZ-- Shut up. NOSEY! So what -- it was a gerbil. Same diff. 13!!

4. Because I'm lazy. I hate Sean Penn x 13.

5. Because you can't stop me. Farts stink. I hate them. I only like to talk about them. THAT'S ALL. 1+3? 4. +9? you got it, 13. weeeeiirduh.

6. Because I have 13 testicles. One of them is in my forehead. Four of them are in the freezer.

7. Because because because because becaaaaaaaahhhhhuse!... Because of the wonderful things he does, bloopiddy bloopiddy bloop dee boop.

8. Because Snow White and the 13 puny bastard rapists is my favorite movie.

9. Because, I know sometimes you get really really sad and upset when there isn't anything new on my little website when you come here, and although I like to make you sad, I'd rather it be for something I DID rather than something I DIDN'T do. -- For example. You're ugly. See? Now I feel great and you feel like crap. Awesome.

10. Because the Jackson 13 is my favorite negro musical act. (fuck Montel Williams)

11. Because If you punch yourself in the lip 13 times you look like FATTY LIPPY LIP McPUDWACKER!

12. Because there are 13 comandments.

11. Thou shalt not faggotize the globe.
12. Thou shalt not watch ice skating.
13. Thou shalt not be anything but white. WHITE POWER!

13. Because when I was little, I was raped 13 times by my 13 next door neighbors, I got 13 cancers 13 times. I have 13 brains, 13 toes, 13 fingers, every time I poop there are 13 individual malt balls that form the number 13 in the toilet which I flush 13 times. My left nipple is a 3 and my right nipple is a one. I can fit 13 grapefruits in my vagina.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught!
Your Numerologist to The Fags,
merkley?????????????

13 Things to Say to a Gay Fucking Salad

Faggot Salads have been around for a long time, and to be sure, not all salads are gay, but yuppies, vegans and over zealous millenial salad competition mean that salad faggotry is on the rise. If you encounter a homo salad, here are a a few ideas of what you might want to say. Consider it a duty. I'm not joking. This is serious.

1. Way to go Orange Slices! Now get the fuck outta here.

2. Hey Walnuts, Fuck off!

3. Whoa, good idea leaving out the Cheese. Now get in the trash IMMEDIATELY!

4. Oh yeah, you're right, Ranch dressing is definitely for the lower class. This Raspberry Bird Poop Vinaigrette tastes waaaay better, especially on these Weeds. IDIOT.

5. No, don't be silly, RAISINS don't completely fuck up a perfectly good salad. You're fine. I like eating plump chewy bugs and shriveled up rodent eyeballs.

6. Huh? Wilted Spinach and Goat Cheese? Sure pile it on! I was just going to eat my own vomit. Oh boy! •••••• • •• • ••• ----- >>>>> +++ > asshole.

7. Hey, I hear ya, that Iceberg Lettuce is waaay overrated. Cool and crunchy and refreshing, pffft, what does Iceberg Lettuce think it is, ---- yummy? Your rubbery Arugula warmness is so hip and challenging! It's awesome how you cling to the roof of my mouth and are nearly impossible to swallow. FUN! Now go fuck yourself.

8. What? Shredded Carrots, Raisins and runny Coleslaw Sauce? Brown Sugar too? Sure! I'll have a whole bowl, but would you mind just cramming yourself straight up my anus? I have no tastebuds in there.

9. Oh. My. God. Are you serious? Five Bean Salad? With a Light NOOOO-Fat Vinaigrette? Sure! I HATE MYSELF! I DESERVE IT! Chop off my penis please.

10. Yeah, totally, Taco Salad is soooo not even salad, I mean what were they thinking? Salad isn't supposed to be absolutely delicious, it's supposed to taste like you peed on the weed patch in the back yard. LIKE YOU Arugula Dandelion Tosser!

11. Sure, Spinach and Arugula combined with chopped Pecans, juicy Golden Raisins (which may as well be bugs), Red Onion, Apple Slices, and Mini Shredded Wheat Cereal Biscuits with a terrible dressing featuring Sugar-Free Strawberry Preserves, aged Balsamic Vinegar, and Olive Oil sounds FABULOUS! Please be at my funeral luncheon.

12. I was totally thinking of making a dish of Carrots, Plums, and Scallions to be served as a salad. Tsimmes Salad, you traditional Jewish Salad, we have such a similar sense of humor. What? You're not joking? Where is Hitler when I need him.

13. No, Cantaloupe and Watermelon cubes added to chopped Watercress and dressed with a sweetened Vinaigrette made with Blood Orange juice and a bit of fresh, minced Ginger with toasted Pine Bark doesn't make me want to kill myself, It makes me want to KILL YOU you fucking Martha Stewart Prison Experiment!

That's all for now!
Don't get caught putting lawn clippings in a bowl and pretending you have evolved tastebuds!
Your Taco, Caesar, Chef's, Potato, Pasta, Tuna, Meat Salad Lover,
merkley???

13 Things To Do With a Chopped Off Thumb

What's that ya say? Ya say ya have a chopped off thumb and ya don't know what to do with it? Well you're in luck because, here are some ideas I came up with specifically for this very situation and even more specifically for you. YES YOU. You and that very thumb on that very desk. What a co weenky deenk.

1. Stick it up your butt bloody side in and ask your oldest grandmother "Does this make you hungry -- even a little?"

2. Get The Fonz to sign it. You know he totally would. Make sure to call him Potsy then punch him in the chachi.

3. Give it to a one armed toddler to suck on. Punish the toddler when he does. Biting the toddler's singular thumb on his only arm really really hard is the perfect punishment.

4. Stick it up your butt, bloody side in and ask a local DJ "Is there a chopped off thumb coming out of my butthole? Am I handsome?"

5. Stick it up your butt, bloody side in and go hitch-hiking for fags!

6. Use the bloody side as a magic marker and write "Aaaaaaaayyyy" across your sister's boobs.

7. Name it Tom.

8. Marinate it in pee, braise it, sprinkle it with boogerdust then feed it to some snobby asshole who always loves to tell people how he went out to some expensive restaurant and "ate Braised Pee Marinated Chopped Off Thumbs Dusted With Boogerdust and it was sooooooooo deeevine." FAG!

9. Place it on top of a Chia Pet™ and water it and then laugh and laugh and laugh everytime your wrinkled up mexican maid says something about your green thumb. RAD. Then fire her.

10. Do that hilarious thing with that little deaf Korean boy where you stick your thumb out of your zipper as if it was your weeeeg, but then when he comes over to play suckfonz, just sign language to him that he can have it. Aaaaaaaaayyyyy. Make sure to throw it at him really hard. Also, pull his hair.

11. Have it surgically implanted in your ball sack just to see what happens.

12. Stick it up your butt, bloody side in and ask a one boobed chemo patient "Is there a chopped off thumb coming out of my butthole?" When she faints, crap on her bald head and light her on fire. Then nail yourself to a cross.

13. Do the right thing and give it back to that poor Korean boy so he can get it sewn back on before it gets moldy and rotten. Especially if he agrees to remove it from your butthole with his weeeg. Even then, throw it in the toilet and make him fish it out with his bloody, thumbless flipper.


That's all for now!
Don't get caught getting stuck on that "Hilarious", "Wrong", "Interchangeable" bullshit.
Your Honorable Embassador to Korea,
merkley???

13 Brand Spanking New Ways To Say "Take a Dump"

"Every time you take a dump you should announce it. And every time you should announce it in a totally new way. Then your shitcrap life will finally be super and all the people around you will hate you less. Face it. you could use the help.

Here I made up some new ones just now;

You'd stand up and say; "Pardon me you weeegs, but I need to excuse myself to..."

1. Let Gary Coleman out of my butthole.

2. Free Mumia.

3. Cook some major meatballs.

4. Feed the homeless.

5. Email Senator Brown.

6. Oompaa Loompa Poopadee Poo.

7. Pay my respects to Tupac -- I mean Poopac.

8. Deport some illegals.

9. Update my bLOG.

10. Donate major blood.

11. Bake a major potato.

12. Check on the meatloaf.

13. FREE THE MOTHERFUCKIN' SLAVES!!!

NOW YOU DO IT!

That's all for now!
Don't get caught thinking: "Hey, don't blame me that poop is brown. I'm not Jesus."
Your scatalogical fudge factory foreman,
merkley???

The Words "Wrong" and "Hilarious" are Completely Interchangeable

Seriously.

Try it. You'll see.

Nobody Really Gives a Fuck.

That's all.

Oh man, This is Freaky, Get Ready to Get Totally Freaked Out. Man, Weird, I Swear I Got The Chills.

I did this game on MySpace and it claimed to be like 95% true. Being the intuitive type, I made a few minor, but very important edits and I can now guarantee that it is at LEAST 99.9% true.

So either grab a writing utensil and something to write on, or just remember your answers.

Don't peak at the answers, cause it ruins it.

Have fun.











1) Write the name of a person of the opposite
sex. (unless you're a homo, then go deal with your AIDS. You have no time for games.)






2) Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green, yellow?








3) Your first initial?










4) Your month of birth?











5) Which color do you like more, black or white?














6) Name of a person of the same sex as yours.












7) Your favorite number?










8) Do you like California or Florida more?














9) Do you like the lake or the ocean more?









10) Write down a wish. (A realistic one).


ArE YoU dONE?
iF S0 SCR0LL D0WN.
(D0N'T CHEAT... iM WATCHiNG Y0U...)
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
.........
..........
...........
..........
.........
........
.......
......
....
...
..
.
THE ANSWERS:

1. This person is completely sick and tired of your bullshit, they pretend to like you but the reality is, they have their eye on someone else and secretly hope you'll just disappear. If you have one decent bone in your body, lose their number. Or slash their throat for being such a heartless weeeg.

2. If you chose:

Red - You pour ketchup on your weeeg and it is weird. This is one of the main reasons the person that you wrote down hates you. Stop saving your scabs. I can totally see your tampon.

Black - You should Just admit that being whipped by whitey is way better than being shot in the eye in a drive by because some crackdick Crip wanted some other negro's sneakers. Slaves didn't have to worry about shoes. They didn't need them. Black people's feet are naturally sneakers.

Either that or you are goth. Poor kadaver. Johnny Depp sucks.

Green - Why you disgusting freak. You used to scrape the underside of your school desk so you could sprinkle the booger dust on your weeeeg. Blow your nose.

Blue - Nobody that isn't your sister will touch your weeeeg voluntarily. You also like to pretend that your peehole can sing like Patsy Cline and you smell like and egg sandwich. You should totally smell your finger right now. See?

Yellow- PEE. You like it. Exercise your sphincter. Your farts are leaking.


3. If your initial is:

A-K You already have cancer. Go to the doctor or drive of a cliff. Stick cigarettes in your ears and scream like a fag. I really don't care you Chemo Fucking Turtleheaded, Wheezing, Leaking, Microwave Death Turd.

L-R You have a vagina and it's broken. For the love of pastrami, use some fucking Chapstick™ on that weeeg.

S-Z Your name is Herman Davis and you have been suffering from amnesia ever since you attempted to fiddle your weeeg with an eggbeater (look at your mangled weeeg if you don't believe me). Your family stopped looking for you ten minutes after you dissappeared but you should call them anyway because frankly, your family sucks balls and they deserve to be punished with your presence.


4. If you were born in:

Jan-Mar: You like to twist your nipples with nuttcrackers that look like Gary Coleman.

April-June: You are an articulate negro and would do well in govenment.

July-Sep: You are a double amputee and you owe me 20 bucks you fucking flakey gimp. Don't make me saw off the rest of your stupid looking nubs.

Oct-Dec: You are a homo and I already told you that you shouldn't be playing this game. Your legions are leaking. Go get some gauze you fucking puss bag. Also. I have one quart of fresh frozen pygmie jizz I'll sell you for 7 bucks. It won't cure your AIDS but it's fun to put in a squirt gun and it makes a decent salad dressing.

5. If you chose...

Black: Punch yourself really hard in the weeeg until it turns black because guess what, You love that kind of shit. Freak. Your body piercings look gay. BARF.

White: You love your beautiful white brothers and sisters WHITE POWER!! You will totally go to heaven because Jesus has a boner for your type. Seriously, you are FUCKING AMAZING!! Holy shit, the glory of your superior race! Think about it. Now pat yourself on the weeeg and get back to keeping minorities poor and stupid. oh yeah, SEAL OFF THE BORDERS! Kick a mexican. Slap a chink.


6. This person saves your poop. Don't believe me? Next time you poop, watch how they go in the bathroom right after you. It's true. Brush you teeth.

7. This is how many people are talking shit about you right now. None of them are lying. Your posture stinks. Sit up straight.

8. If you chose:
California: You are from Montana and you have a parakeet named Greg. Also herpes. Wash your taint.

Florida: Nice shiny shirt homo. Stop masturbating on the tanning lotion bottle.

9. If you chose:

Lake: You wish you could hump a sack of garbage on a waterbed filled with snot.

Ocean: You wish you could hump a dead seal and fingerbang a dolphin. You wish your name was Carl Horowitz. Seriously though, they have treatments for that acne. Look into it.

10. This wish will come true only if you RE-POST THIS BULLETIN
in one hour and you give a newborn baby a hickey on its weeeg.

THANKS FOR PLAYING!!

That's all for now!
Don't get caught inventing the awesome new word weeeeg!
Your amazing psychic wonderman,
merkley???

13 Things to Tell Other People's Children.

1. If you hug your grandma really hard, ice cream will come out of her boobs.

2. (Pointing at their family pet) We're gonna eat that on your 7th birthday.

3. The magic word is please but the OTHER secret magic word you SHOULD say, is cunnilingus.

4. If you poke a Chinese person with a pin, their skin explodes and flies off because it's way too small.

5. If you call this number your parents will have to do whatever you say. (hand them the child abuse hotline number)

6. If you put a booger in a fish tank, it turns into a frog.

7. A penny will get really hot and melt if you hold it in your butt crack.

8. If you fart on a cat, it will like you the best.

9. Urinal pellets explode if you throw them in the sky.

10. You're adopted. Your real parents moved because you cry too much.

11. Black people are black so you won't see them hiding under your bed. (then sneak them a pamphlet about cannibalism)

12. DO NOT TOUCH BALD PEOPLE!! Unless you want to be bald too.

13. (pointing at the hot water heater) That's where all your poop goes and gets turned into taco meat.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught farting on the cat!
Your favorite uncle,
merkley???

Bugs Bunny

Last night I had a dream that I was feeding carrots to a vergina that had teeth. It was all:

"MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH"

and I was all:

"Everyone who likes carrots raise their hand."

But you see, verginas do not have hands, they only have teeth. So I was the only one raising my hand.

Crap, now I have that stupid Alaniss Morissette song in my head where she has one hand up her hole and the other one is playing foos ball.

HA HA assholes! Now you have it in your gay heads too.

Now here's a picture I took a few days ago of my friend Yana and my other friend Butterface.

Oh yeah, one more thing, if you want lots of people to smile at you and try to meet you, just walk down the street in a nice suit and munch on a big carrot. I found that out on accident.


That's all for now!
Don't get caught pretending your daydreams were actually night time dreams to make it seem like you don't sit around daydreaming of carrot munching verginas!
Your number one salad shooter,
merkley???

Fucking "Inner Fonzie" Made Me Do This Dumb Internet Questionnaire, He's Lucky His Name Has The Word Fonzie In It.

This is one of those AWESOME questionnaires where somebody writes a bunch of AWESOME questions and the idea is to make up funny snarky AWESOME answers to show how witty and AWESOME you are. I already know I'm AWESOME but I'm doing it anyway because I feel sorry for all of you assholes for not getting to read any of my brilliant humor for the last week.

This is gunna be AWESOME!

1. If you were a celebrity, what kind would it be (movies, TV, literature, crime, etc)?

If? psssffffwwwwppplplplplplpht -- how about -- AM. But if I WASN'T a celebrity, I'd be the kind who has the world record for most hot needles crammed sideways into his rectum -- only it would be a private world record that only I knew about otherwise I'd be a celebrity all over again and my sideways hot needle cramming days would take on a whole new dimension... A dimension I'm not sure I'd like.

Will Smith sucks balls.

2. Which other celebrities would you make a concerted effort to try and be around?

Again, I'm ALWAYS around celebrities, but if I wasn't I'd want to be around the non-celebrities with good solid names like Bob, Al, George, Lisa, Vaginaface, and Steve. I can't stand names that sound all unique like Becky or Lisa or Socks.

Basically, I'd hang out with paper and shredded lettuce... If I WASN'T a celebrity.

Alex Trebek is a shithead.


3. Which other celebrities would you avoid like the plague?

Any motherfucker who HAD the plague. I'd avoid that mother fucking disease-o like the plague. Know whut I'm sayin'? Ya feel me?

Ha HA HA -- I fuckin tricked all yalls bitches, while you were sitting there "FEELIN ME", little did you know that I am the type of celebrity that in fact HAS the plague, and plague is transferred through FEELIN' --- and THAT'S what you get for acting BLACK!

Heyyy -- the BLACK plague.

I'm awesome.

Rock Hudson died of AIDS, what a HOMO.


4. Which celebrities would you date?

If by saying DATE you mean that I could walk around Hollywood with a big rubber stamp loaded with permanent tattoo ink and I could stamp an EXPIRATION date on any celebrity forehead, I suppose I would first DATE some random up and comer starlet and I'd stamp and expiration date on her forehead that was like two years ago and then I'd read it out loud to her and say "Ohps, looks like you expired even before you became a bimbo celebrity -- too bad" and then I'd ask her to hand in her plastic boobs and fake nose and tell her to go back to Iowa.

Then I'd sneak up on Christopher Walken and stick the fake boobs in his back pockets, and then I'd scream "HEY TITTY BUTT!" at the top of my lungs cause that's the type of thing I think a guy like Christopher Walken might enjoy.

Johnny Depp is a total vagina.

5. What would be your "Celebrity Cause"?

If you don't quit phrasing questions as if I'm not already a celebrity you're gonna have to find a CAUSE to remove my foot from your ass. GOT IT?

Pauly Shore was hilarious when he was the weez.

6. Since celebs always get off, what crime(s) would you commit?

I would shoot you in the face you fucking gaybob.

OJ simpson killed those yahoos on my birthday.

7. What would be the name of your tell-all book?

I ain't tellin you SHIT!

Michael Jackson got out of prison on my birthday.

8. Tag 3 people to do this poll.

Rodney Dangerfeild. (awe -- too bad. He's dead.)

Saddam Hussein.

Christy McNichols. (DYKE!)

That's all for now!!
Don't get caught putting ZERO effort into something that turns out AWESOME anyway,
Your mom,
merkley???