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August 29, 2005

Show Them All The Beauty They Possess Inside















That's all for now.
Don't get caught telling all the neighborhood's secrets.
Your Attorney Client privileged Son-Of-A-Bitch,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

First one! Yeahaw! Hey Merk, when is the last time you felt a cow's teats and got a hard on?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

how did you know what i was doing?

did you hi-jack my web cam?

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

The second photo reminds of my little brother. As a child, he was severely hyperactive due to the copious amounts of steriods in his asthma medication. He was always all jittery and stuff. Anyway, there was this one time my mom and I were watching TV and he ran over to where we were, yanked down his pants, mooned us then proceeded to spread his ass cheeks apart and wink his red eye at her. Then he laughed maniacally and ran away.

Little rascal.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

that was a good story poops. i'd like to see that one on video.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

How did I know you would title your blog this? Cuz I'm smart and have ESP...and I know for a fact the pee story is true because you told me in another blog...I pay attention...you pee tasting bubble blower.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

yeah wendy,
well they are all true, just not all mine, with as many siblings and mormon neighbors, i have plenty of word bubbles to put over and little kids head.

 

Blogger A.K.A.B.U. is a gaywad.

holy shit those are funny

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

I bet the pee kid is you.

 

Anonymous annabeth goldstein is a gaywad.

Have you ever heard of an attorney named James Danos? Steph and I were thinking of hiring him. What do you think? He seems to know his stuff.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

hey unknown,

thanks!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

snakehead,
the pee kid is totally me.
well, it happend to me, but the picture ain't me.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

sister goldstein,

that was an awesome fight.

what a retard steph and her boyfriend are.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

RIP

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,

condolences bro.

shit.

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

I think my favorite was the one with the boy trying to save the bird! Too funny!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

fonzie,
yeah well it was horriffic at the time.

 

Blogger AnnieGoldstein is a gaywad.

was? what do you mean, was? wait until you see the shitstorm that's about to start.

oh, wait a minute...i don't think this could get ANY MORE ridiculous.

your theory about people reading your blog when trashed is 50% accurate: last night, i was wasted. today though, i am not.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

*giggle*

I just watched a creepy old man go pee-pee in the woods.

For real!

I followed him there with a stick, in case he attacked me.

 

Blogger kristine is a gaywad.

i'm laughing my ass off about you and your stick, Allison! eww!

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

I came with a prepared statement to reply to today's(sept 3)post and it's not here.

What gives? Some of your points were actually valid.

 

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August 27, 2005

Teach Them Well and Let Them Lead The Way.

















That's all for now.
Don't get caught pooping on an ant hill.
Your Anti-Blueberry Motherfucking Holy Shit You Finish It,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

who hasn't fed boogers to their dog, I mean really...but pooping on an anthill, that has Merkley prints all over it.

Oh, I'm so happy you are back to your poopy self again. :)

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Hey I just realized, you must be a big Whitney fan...

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

The problem with pooping on an ant hill, is after the first launch, they're swarming your legs. Hmmm? Why does pooping and swarming remind me of a story? HOLY SHIT - My next blog! Thanks Merkley!

 

Blogger A.K.A.B.U. is a gaywad.

holy shite....bery punny bogl...you fucking "Nerd"


ka kaka kakaakakaakaaa

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
i have never fed a booger to either of my actual dogs -- dogs that i had when i was younger -- yes, but chico and butterface have never experienced that barfshow.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,
you're welcome, sounds like a good one. can't wait.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

yours truly,

i am perplexed by the capitalization and quotes on the word NERD.

please explain.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

that little asian boy is disturbing. your posts always make me laugh then give me great chills down my spine.

 

Blogger A.K.A.B.U. is a gaywad.

merkley...first I was "yours truely" now I am this incase I confuse you. the word "nerd" refers to all the bullshit that has gone on on Jen Good's site...I guess it all ties to Raymi and tony P's site...somehow in my pea brain the fact that Jen good can't say "nerd" without anyone getting all upset and bashing her back and tony and raymi not being able to take criticism. I like that you criticised Tony without putting anonymous...he delt with it...people can hack the shiot out of my on here if they want...I ain't going to lose any sleep over it..."its a frigen blog"

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,

weird, that's exactly what happens when i pee on homeless people.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

blogger unknown,
ha ha -- what a retard i am, i forgot about that jen good comment.

but yeah, sheesh -- people are so easily bent,

"friggin blog" is right.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

It's so exciting that your back, I think that your involuntary retirement was longer than my voluntary retirement.

Also, when I was a boy, I ran it through my grandpa while he was sleeping.

 

Blogger ScaryCheri is a gaywad.

hey! I don't have a toungue type thing that comes out of my butt when I fart!! No Fair!!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

married man,

"ran it through" i'm not sure what that means but i'm guessing there was a rim job involved.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

scary,

yes you do. try it.

 

Blogger ScaryCheri is a gaywad.

do you think I would have posted if I hadn't tried already?!?

 

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August 26, 2005

I Believe That Children Are Our Future.
















That's all for now.
Don't get caught attributing your own heavy bullshit to random innocent first graders.
Your, Dyed In The Wool Sweater Owner,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

These are so funny I think I just peed a little.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ha ha.

you said peed.

pee is in your name twice. this is one of the main reasons i like you.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

Oooohhh! That's so sweet!!!




oops...there I did it again....

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Are you confessing thru these kids? I think these incidents are to random to be ficticious...bubble blower.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

hmmn -- if it's possible to confess for all your neighbors and siblings and yourself as well as make up stuff and say things you thought of doing but didn't get around to doing, then i suppose i am.

but yeah, don't squirt soap up your peehole, just don't.

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

LOL! Ok... I hope no one knows my true identity... but yeah... don't get soap in your peehole. I rubbed one off with a bar of soap in the bathtub when I was like 14... while it was probably the best handjob I gave myself until I found the joys of lube many years later, it burned like a motherfuck every time I peed for like 3 days.

Kept me chaste for like a whole week.. well.. self chaste... But, I felt fresh as an irish spring...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

fonz

haha,

i actually squirt a whole giant squirt of bubble bath straight up in there thinking i would pee bubbles, but no, it just dribbled out.

i dont suppose there is a more pathetically hilarious sight than a seven year old crying as he pees because he wanted bubble pee.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

just reading that made my "parts" hurt...

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

BwaHahahahahaha - Back with a vengence, love it!

Although I'm still finding it hard to believe the One-eyed Pirate came home today, take that Geriatric Vestibula Disease! When we left, the vet said dont expect him to last but I'm more convinced than ever he's one tough little bastard.

Thanks for letting me use your comments and our shared experience to act like a fag. On with the mirth!

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

there must be a correlation between deviant little white boys and sweater vests.

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

Merkley, never procreate.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

oh snake,

you don't mean that.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,

that's good news, keep that bag of bones rattling around as long as you can.

keep us updated.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

holly,

sweater vests equal good times on every race,
but WHITE POWER!! nonetheless.

 

Anonymous Squid is a gaywad.

You weren't supposed to know about the gerbil. Besides, where'd you get my picture? As I was reading this I was thinking, "What kind of idiot would squirt bubble solution into his peehole?" Well now I know just what kind of idiot would.
I had a friend once who would rub a bit of cocaine on his peehole. he said it would work like a charm. I wouldn't know. Besides, The Drugs Had No Effect On Me!

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

What? Did it make his penis all sweaty and skittish?

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Only crap. I had to do a double take because I thought one of those pictures was me.

And that burning bubble pee stuff is no joke. When I was 4 I got a weiner infection (technical term) thanks to Mr. Bubble Bubble Bath. I wasn't intentionally trying to get bubble pee, but you know ... stuff happens.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

fucking babies....and don't try to tell me these assholes aren't babies...they are close enough...fucking kids. boo kids.

 

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August 22, 2005

13 Things That Could've Possibly've Maybe've Been Chico's Final Words If Only He Had Known How to Speak English or Type or Something



Senator Ron "Chico" Lopez
1993-2005



Ladies and gentlemen, Chico has left the building.

Friday, August 19th 2005 at 12 noon, The beloved Senator Ron "Chico" Lopez, bought the farm, flew the coop, gave up the ghost, kicked the bucket, answered the last call, bit the dust, cashed in his chips, reached the end of his rope, paid his tickets, went the way of all jerky and he up and croaked. His decline was fast and sudden and completely full of dignity.

He was a terrific fella, and one fuckin' hell of a good pal.

In Chico's distinguished 10 year term as a Senator, he never once ran a smear campaign, played dirty politics, accepted soft money, or voted against his conscience. He always stood up for treats, and was quick to lie down on the couch for a good nap when he realized he was tired. While other dog senators were busy not being senators because there is no such thing as a dog senate, Chico stood proud as the ONLY dog senator because that was his name and he always stood proud. Even if his name had been Fuckpiddle he would have stood proud anyway because he didn't understand stuff like that, being a dog and all. His dog senate voting record has been hailed by nobody in particular as "remarkably non-existent" and by never once reporting to the "fictional" Dog Congress, Chico maintained a perfect attendance record and will remain as an example to us all of how to have a distinguished, scandal free and rewarding career without ever having to go to work even once --- and with tons and tons of naps.

If Chico had not been a non English speaking dog, or if he had the ability or even a vague desire to type, it is with an absolute, 34% certainty that I can tell you that his final words would have maybe probably perhaps been something kinda sorta along the lines of one of these 13 things -- maybe:

1. Rubber balls and kongs and bones are simply AWESOME!

2. Canned food is better than dry! And hot dogs and cheese are even better than that! -- like by TWICE!

3. The park the park let's go let's go yes alright park park! It is important to be polite though.

4. Big dogs are bullshit, especially ones with weenies. Dumbfuck, tough ass, meathead dickheads.

5. If you come in the house I WILL DEFINITELY YELL! It's my job see -- see yeah ok.

6. My belly, my belly excuse me, did you notice it? Touch it, rub it if you want.

7. Scratch my ass area if you wanna. Here, I'll put it on your leg. Thanks in advance.

8. HOORAY FOR CARS! I have no idea what a senator is. CARS! CARS! CARS!

9. Hamburgers? YES! I can sound like a firetruck siren. Watch OOOOOOOoooooooeeeeeeeooo.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEeeeeeOOOOOOoooooooooooeeeeeeeoooooooough.


10. THROW THAT THING ALREADY! Wait. I need to sniff my weeeg. THROW IT!

11. Cats are some boring ass motherfuckers.

12. Butterface has a nice ass, can you imagine how tight that hole is? Too bad they snipped me, I wouldda liked to've hit that shit. Cheeeeeese --- yuuuuuuummmmm.

13. Shrimp and mushrooms and vegetables in general are dumb. Barf. Oh, Except potatoes sometimes.

The laughs, the one sided conversations, the love, the sweetness, his gentlemanly manner, will forever remain alive in the hearts and minds of those who loved him -- especially mine.

What I can no longer do is get my eyeball one inch from his, give him a great hug, and hear his comforting growlish, moanish, This-Feels-So-Good-Aaaaaahhhhh-Yeeeeaaaahhh thing he always did. That part hurts.

Boy oh boy will that handsome, wonderful dude be missed.




Here's to you Chico my Friendy McFriendoid ChooChee Chawk Chawk CheehoeHee!


That's all for now.
Don't get caught being buried in the backyard unless you're dead like Chico!
Your Grave Digging Death Thinker Abouter,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger jazz is a gaywad.

i'm soooo sorry for your loss.

i've got a couple that are getting up there in age. i'm not sure what i'll do if i lose one of them...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks jasmine.

love them dogs. feed them cheese. they don't last forever.

side note, had i known all it would take was a funeral to get your boobs in my comment section i would have given chico cancer a long time ago.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

First, as I posted before, I hate your faggot fudgepacking dog. Although his semen tasted like the butter they put on my popcorn at my local AMC.
Second, sorry for your loss, but I hate your homosexual dog. And I'm glad he is dead.
Third, Jazz has made me an offer that if I stick around and don't throw in the towel that she will send me a naked picture of her self.
Yeah, retirement is cool. Shit, I'm retired, what am I doing posting comments....

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

marriedman,

look, i understand what you are feeling. chico told me all about you two, about how you gave him the reach around and he couldnt get hard. but let it go, it was nothing personal, he liked you, he really did, he just wasn't attracted to you. he said you smell like corn.

anyway -- it's over now.

dead dogs hold no ill will. there's a lot one can learn from a dead pup.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

you speak such truth, my 7 year old hottie of a friend. So, how about this other dog of yours, does he like indians?

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I'm sorry about Chico. He sounded like an awesome friend.

I'm going to go hug my dogs now and let them jump on the bed.

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

Sorry to hear about Chico. He sounded like a great dog. I've never seen a eulogy for a dog before, but that was a good one.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Aww.. sorry to hear.

I was hoping the senator would run for prez in '08.

Chico will like it in the doggy afterlife. They'll re-attach his weenie.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

yes he was a good one.

dogs belong on the bed, how else are you gonna smell like corn chips when you wake up?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks paula

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,

yeah, chico was really excited about the nutt replacement program they offer in the hereafter.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

OOOOOOOHHH GEEEEEEEEEEEZ --
I went away for the weekend and I come home and I find out that Chico has gone? I am so, so, so, sad to hear this. As I've said before Chico was a gentle-dog and a scholar. He had the best dog manners of any dog ever. How's butterface handling it? I am sure she is crushed...crushed.

I love you and I send you big, big hugs. I will call you later.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

My dog Oscar is my first dog/friend/roommate. I've had him since he was 7 weeks old and loathe to think what my life would be like without him in it.

I'm now sending psychically sending you hugs and cheek-bleeding kisses. I hope they help.

p.s. Oscar is sitting here licking my toes as I type this. I think he wants me to pass those on to you as well.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

My dogs still 126, but we know 'that day' is a-comin and we're not looking forward to it at all. Sorry about your dog mate.



PS. Don't go to my site - well not far a while anyways. It's not dog friendly.

 

Blogger invincibleoverlord is a gaywad.

Sorry Merkley. I really liked Chico a lot. I never wanted to mention this to you, but the last time I slept on your sofa, Chico jumped up and snuggled me a bit. He brought me a water from the kitchen because he new how ripped I was and my mouth was dry. Seriously he was about as great as a dog ever was.
RIP Chico
Tom

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

Gee... I really don't have a smartass remark here, because I think it sucks and... frankly, while humor is a good way to address pain or difficult subjects, I find too much humor is a sure sign of psychological problems.

My condolences... I spent the last 2 days looking in shelter for one that looked just like him, but came up empty handed.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lyds,

that oughtta learn ya fer taking off.

chico liked you, you were one of his main connections to his mexican heritage,

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

poops,

thanks for the love. oscar sounds like a lucky dude.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,

well, with your dark powers, seems like you could do a little zombie action or something.

i saw that post on your site.

real funny asshole.

i'd expect nothing less from the great satan.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dumont,

yeah, chico liked you too.

thanks. i hope tour is treating you well.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

fonzie,

thank you fine sir.

mental problems? huh? where?

tears of a clown my friend, tears of a clown.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Yeah, Funny like trying to come up with 13 Things To Do With a Chopped Off Thumb.

Mmmm, I thought the great satan was America... now there's some zombie action!

 

Blogger quinntard is a gaywad.

...I will forever miss the hairy, friendly, lovable fellow. I'm sure he's got all the hotdogs he wants now...

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

merkley, what a beautiful post. that made me go kiss my dog on the top of her fat head.

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

eddy wanted me to pass this on:

dear cheeko (he did it phonetically I guess..)

We will meet in doggy heaven and share a pig ear together.
I will lick your ear and then we will sniff some butts.
I can't wait to see you. Love, Eddy
PS: this is not goodbye, its see ya later.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

quinn,

yup. there's no getting around it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,

i understand the feeling, whenever i watch animal planet or discovery, i do the same shit.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks eddy and holly, you both are very sweet.

thanks.

 

Anonymous chwecko is a gaywad.

Merkley???, I knew Chico from the day you brought him home. He was a great companion. Once he let you into his home (stopped barking), you entered his protection. He knew who his friends were. Im glad he chose you at the pound.

While I never experienced the painful anticipation of a pet's demise due to age, I've lost two cherished family pets. One quickly succumbed to sickness, the other (Kasha - malamute) to a highway accident - Both times they were in my care and custody. I was a wreck over Kasha and what I had to do to bring her home. I sought after every arm a person was willing to put around me, even though I did not wish to relive the experience while retelling it.

I'm reminding you of this because you were one of the few I DID tell, and spared no details. You hung on every word I wanted to say about it which was very helpful for me. I thank you for that, and knowing the sincerity in your sympathy. With this there has been no point or counterpoint - we loved our dogs. (So does H.B. by the way).

I'm so sorry for your loss...Miss you, bro. I'm glad youre surrounded by caring friends.

D.

P.S. I have slides of the distiguished Senator and his rubber hamburger I always meant to give you. Maybe someday.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

hey chwecko,

i remember that morning well. ouch.

thanks for the nice note.

hpefully h.b. doesn't read this stuff often, can be quite an --- ummmmm, experience to those who are religiously inclined.

maybe i'll make it over to italy for the ski contest.

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

Here's to Chico. May he rest in peace. And far far away from Marriedman's nasty tongue.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

amen.

 

Anonymous lalalalani is a gaywad.

This news saddens me as having excited pups scramble upstairs and run all over my apartment was a joy. Now it's all up to Butterface. I guess this also means no more demonstrations of the BEST stupid dog trick EVER. Damn.
Chico Chico Chico
You are still better than chiclets.
Much love.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

I gave the Senator 2000 imaginary dollars for his last campaign and in return he voted against mandatory leash laws. My lobbying for the fake dog Congress has really paid off.

I miss my dog, Doc. Maybe they'll meet up.

 

Blogger pat is a gaywad.

Dave,

Sorry to hear about Chico, or as I liked to call him "Ronnie".

 

Blogger pat is a gaywad.

Dave,

Sorry about Chico.

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

i will miss chico greatly.

 

Blogger bardot is a gaywad.

my condolenses, sweet merkley.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Irony's a bitch,

Got home at 2am this morning after having to rush our old mutley to the emergency vet. I think 'that moment' is very near.

How you coping without Chico around?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

oh no -- satan, say it isn't so.

god damn those old dogs. why cant they just stick around?

we're doing fine, testing out new dogs, thinking about stuff -- i think butterface is a little depressed. i understand how she feels -- such is life.

honestly, though, it's been nice going over all the old photos and good times. -- door closes, another opens type shit.

just think about the good stuff -- it's a good excuse to cry about whatever the fuck. all that latent faggotry gets to come forward and nobody suspects nuthin.

keep your chin up.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bardot, lani, dash, alex and pat,

thanks for your well wishes and warm thoughts. they are appreciated.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Satan, I hope your pup will be ok.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

I'm still waiting on word from the specialist vet.... grrrr.... bloody frustrating. But I think he's definately a goner this time Wendy.

He was normal, as an old dog can be, and then he just flopped over on his side and couldn't walk anymore. Something to do with the processes of the inner ear to the brain. Although we're not sure it probably indicates a stroke or a tumour.

He's pretty old and I think it will be too much stress on the old fella to try for rehabilition. The surgery to have his eye removed was bad enough. I guess I'm just looking forward to getting out all that latent homo stuff.

Thanks for the words Merks???

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Since i don't know how to upload music, I'll just have to dedicate the lyrics to this SONG to Chico, and the man...

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

Don't get too sentimental. All dogs say to themselves, "I like these people and all, but the first time one suffers a hip injury (and I'm pretty sure they aren't getting up again) I'm going to rip out their throat. I'll be macking on that butter hog for a week."

You had your pup's respect, but deep down whenever he layed eyes on you... ham sandwhich. Sorry.

-therandthem
Provo-latic, UT

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,
i'm right there with ya pal. deja motherfuckin viewish like.

and if it means anything, my final hours with good ol' chico, although diffcult, were really --- ummm -- well you know -- great -- nice -- special and all that gay junk.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,

thanks.

out of the millions of songs in this world, isn't it nice that you sent me lyrics written by my friend warren fitzgerald.

if you haven't seen warren's fucked up art, i have it linked in the sidebar. he is truly one of the most unique individuals i know.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

anonymous,
don't be anonymous, it's gay.

but -- yeah, ham sandwich is right -- you know, people taste like ham, if dogs tasted like ham, i would have eaten chico a long time ago.

dog doesn't taste too good. i tasted dog in brazil. otherwise, yeah, the animal shelter would be like a place to go for meat.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Well, I'm off to the vets.

The specialist has bascially come clean and said if he hasn't improved by Friday it's time to do right by him.

Shit... come on Merks, I know we're blokes and all that but I'd hoped to hear a little more than "that gay junk". *sigh*

It does mean something, he's been me mate for the last nine (63) years. Even when my girlfriend moved to another city to work, he was there to welcome me home. He has always filled a space.

Anyway, I'll try and explain it properly for those that don't know what we're talking about when it happens.

Stay cool bro. I'll try and teach Silk some spanish over the next few days so he and Chico can chase cats or plastic hotdogs together without having to use sign language.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,

when chico fell down -- i told him
"walking is bullshit".
when he let loose his bladder, i told him
"wow -- that's amazing!"
when he couldn't lift his head i told him
"you look relaxed and carefree".
when i cried or got musty i told him
"it's because we're such pals".
when he barfed up his hot dog, i said --
"bah -- who needs it."

we told stories about the good old days, we even looked at pictures.

keep his tail wagging my friend, wag yours while you're at it. special times are these.

when it was chico's time, i called a mobile vet who helped him fall into his bestest and biggest nap in his favorite spot on the pillow at the end of the bed.

20 minutes later he was sleeping the good sleep in the back yard, in his favorite bone stash, which he chose and had been digging himself for years. He was awfully proud of his digging skills, and that spot was a particularly good spot.

honestly, at times, i felt a little jealous.

death ain't so bad.

take the fella home if ya can, if you can't i'm sure he'll understand, but be with him as much as possible... i'm glad i did.

then get another dog.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

Ah, cachorro quente.

I can. I will. Lembranças do Brasil.

-therandthem
Provo-alone, UT

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I have had to put many pets to sleep in my life. ferrets, cats, dogs and last summer my 12 year old parakeet TuTu whom I had taught to speak. he could say I love you. He is in my backyard now. I know exactly what you all are going through and it isn't easy. As long as you took care of that animal the best you could while it was on this planet, there are no regrets. It's all about the bond in the end. To this day I catch myself whistling to that little bird.

 

Blogger jazz is a gaywad.

the boobs here were long overdue.

but to be fair, so was your presence on my blog as well ;)

how's the mourning period going?

not for chico,but for marriedman's not-retirement retirement...

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

Damn Merley! Between you and Satan I'm getting all tearful... fuckers!

 

Blogger Professor Leotus Clouse & The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

I just recently lost one myself, she was one territorial bitch, she consistently tried to kill all of the other dogs in the house, and she'd tear into one of us if we didn't give her a milkbone. We still wish we had her with us.
I shall drink to the Senator.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

That pretty much sounds like last night.

We sat in our private visiting room (specialists and their facilities, yoinks) re-counting all the great stuff our little man got up to. Like the time he spent a whole day digging his way under the fence and ran away – a whole 20 metres to the next door neighbour house where he was pampered by the old lady who lived there until my girlfriend got home from work. Or about how he had impressed all the other dogs by being able to go on longer walks than them even though he was the smallest fella they knew.

After about 15 minutes or so of talking about all of his exploits and how glad we were to have shared in them with him, almost miracle like he seemed to draw energy from hearing about how fantastic he was and he roused himself into a sitting position. My girlfriend and I were astounded, he then peed all over her lap and flopped back into her arms. We couldn’t help laughing at the satisfied expression on his face, might even be his last great joke on us for being such sad sacks. Although the dog pee scented cab ride home was a little embarrassing we had a really nice time. We’ll see him again tonight, hopefully he’ll pull off something just as funny.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Satan, sweet story. What kind of dog is he?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wow, this comments section is getting long.

thanks everybody, i promise i'm not just leaving this post up to milk all of your sympathies, regular lame ass posting will resume shortly.

boy, satan -- that was a nice little story. i hope all goes as nicely as it can go.

 

Anonymous tyler is a gaywad.

I'm not quite sure what I will do with my right index finger now that my dear friend Chico is gone. I will always remember those laps around the house on seventh east and then that one special day. I am proud to say that I remember the day the Senator was voted into office. I am a bit sad that I wasn't able to tell him goodbye. He will be missed very much........

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

tyler,

chico had warm memories of the finger incident.

well, actually, to tell the truth, he mentioned that "at least in death, the nightmares would cease."

nightmares, warm memories, same diff.

 

Post a Comment

August 15, 2005

13 Things To Do When It Looks Like Your 85 Year Old Dog Might Be On His Last Legs

I came home last night and Chico wasn't waiting there for me -- only Butterface. I called for him, nothing. I went out in the back yard and he was laying in the middle of a wide open area, when I called him he just kinda lifted his head and wagged his tail a little but didn't come. I had pizza for him. He wasn't interested. Something was wrong. I coaxed him up, nudged him into the house -- he wouldn't even eat canned dog food. This is the first time anything like this has ever happened.

Chico is a good dog and a damn fine friend. He is old. What can you do. I'm glad you asked because I have some ideas:

1. Fondle all his weird lumps while you still can.

2. Cry.

3. Dribble pee drips wherever YOU go so he feels ok about it.

4. Talk with him about who he thinks his replacement should be.

5. Beg him to please eat the hot dog.

6. Don't cry.

7. Pay the vet a bunch of money so he can tell you that your dog is old.

8. Try to figure out a way to bleach out his skeleton and keep it around because skeletons are cool and why let your friend's perfectly good skeleton go to waste.

9. Do some Googling to see if anyone will make a pillow out of him after you remove his skeleton.

10. Remind him that he is 85 years old and that's why he looks like hell.

11. Laugh when he can't get his old legs to cooperate and then cry some more.

12. Sing him songs about his life.

13. Hug him, Tell him he is the best dog ever and then think about how you are eventually going to kill him because that's what you'd want him to do for you.



Senator Ron "Chico" Lopez


That's all for now!
Don't get caught bumming everyone else out by jumping the gun before the blood tests are even back posting about the plight of your wonderful dog when he'll probably just keep on living like an incontinent invalid for a hundred more years. Oh yeah, all living things die.
Your Pee Dribble Clean Up Crew,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger ScaryCheri is a gaywad.

Merkley???......

...


I love this post.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

scary,

thanks.

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

Chico is beautiful.
I love this post too.
I love dogs more than humans and life put together.
Think about how much fun Chico's had over the years.
I bet its non stop shits n' giggles over there in Merkleyland, California. I hope Chico doesn't stick around suffering too long.
Should I send him a pig ear? WIll he eat that?

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

your dog is the cutest. he probably is depressed...buy him a kitten.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I wish I could say something to make you feel better. One of my dogs is getting up there too and there are times he can't stand up, so I understand. (his is just arthritis) I hope his bloodwork comes out ok.

Oh, and I do sing songs to my dogs too.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

This was a cool post. You had that trademark Merkley tone, but for a change it was kind of touching.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

By the way, thank you.

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

i'm sobbing like a drunken widow in a room full of chopped onions.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

ditto

=*(

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

holly,
me too. dogs are the best people i know. if he has what we are guessing he has, which is a degenerative disorder of the spine, one of the wonderful side effects is that there is no pain involved which means he finally wont feel it when i pinch his ass really really hard.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,

about the eating, you may be right. the dogs have a really good excuse to be depressed.

chico and butterface have spent about 2 hours a day at the next door neighbors house every day for the last 2 years and they just moved. the former neighbors are depressed, the dogs are depressed, i'm depressed because the dogs are depressed,

they looooved the neighbors, they would hear them getting home from work and they would race into the back yard, through the hole in the fence and wag the fuck out of their tails at the back door until they were let in the house which was oh maybe 2.3 seconds.

butterface would run home every half an hour or so, just to check in and maybe see if any girls had stopped by, she'd give me a few licks and try to convince me to come through the hole in the fence with her....

anyway, a huge source of daily happiness was just ripped from their lives -- but we are setting up a visitation schedule (i give the former neighbors the keys and they can have the dogs whenever).

hopefully, that's what the appetite thing is. but then again -- they aren't moving back so...

anyway, nice diagnosis you psycho analytical jew.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

thanks for the support.

i'll be fine, i'm very pragmatic, we're still gonna have fun no matter what happens. chico has a good sense of humor. he doesn't mind when i point and laugh at his boniness.

but yeah, if i recorded the songs i sing to chico, it would be a disaster, i'm not one for red carpet affairs. i dont want a grammy.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

hey digi,

what would be awesome is if i didnt even have a dog and i was punking all you bitches.

that would be awesome indeed.

but thank you and you're welcome.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

alex,

good. you need to cry more often, sobbing in your beer every single night isn't quite enough. daytime sobbing is good too.

HA!

fag.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,

sorry to bum you out.

don't let that asterisk get any closer to your equals sign or your gonna have some serious exclamation points.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Being the owner of a 126 year old, one eyed, barely standing, piss on his own bed, only eat'n high quality fresh food pooch, I've learnt one thing... You're a sentimental cry-baby old bastard, HA!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wow satan, that is old.

how is the sex?

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Well, what can I say, the eye sockets pretty dry.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Oh, fuck! Change the picture... Change the picture... freak'n me out!

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

Sorry to hear that Chico's not well. I was always a cat person until I finally got a dog. Dogs are great friends.

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

I had a cat once... I don't much care for cats now... I was a one cat kind of guy. Had the cat from the time I was 7 till I was 25... that's 18 years in human time.

Yep.. that cat and I went through pretty much every major thing in my life together. When she died, I cried... didn't cry when I heard my Grandpa died...

I buried the cat in our backyard. While I was gone to finish up my last year of college (or maybe I had moved somewhere by then), my parents bought a headstone for her.

When they moved, they dug her back up and re-buried her at their new house... they even built a little fence around the grave.

Sometimes I feel kind of sad that I didn't cry about my grandpa... but, you know what? He wasn't there for 18 years of *my* life. And besides.. it's a much sadder thing to lose a good pussy.

*sigh*

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

my fiancee's cousin practices taxidermy as a hobby. i hear he's pretty good. i could put in a good word.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

fonz,

yeah. i'm all about the grave thing, but i really would like to keep the dude's skeleton for a number of reasons but the main one being -- SKELETONS ARE COOL!

but thanks for the story. i keep reminding myself to be pragmatic.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

poopee,

oh -- but if you weren't so faaaarrrr away.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Hey, if it does comes down to killing just pretend he's a very small horse. Everyone likes it when horses get what's coming to them.

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

What were Chico's parents like? What's the latest update? I want to know more. More!

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

chico is a gentleman and a scholar. he is the best man i know and a champion among dogs. i will hold a dog benefit in his honor if need be. that dog is a special, special man...who's fur is butterface going to eat?

i am lighting santaria candles and letting the blood of 7 chickens tonight to help boost chico's spirits and health.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

Hell, if I were closer, I might be tempted to just do it myself.

There's a first time for everything.

By the way, I just re-read this post, and Merkley, you are so sweet I could kiss your bearded cheeks until they bleed.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

I'm going to agree with Dashiell, horses! Stupid bloody kung-fu horses. I've been eating nothing but horse meat for a week now.

Oh... and how's your dog going?

 

Blogger bardot is a gaywad.

poor doggie!

i'll send you good dog karma for chico.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

I think you're a psycho analytical goy with that whole neighbor tale. Good luck.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

hey everyone,

thanks for the well wishes and the sarcasm -- i love it.

mr. chico has cancer. when he found out he laughed and then tried to hump butterface. he has been eating like normal, he seems to be feeling better than he was the other day.

we talked it over, he doesn't want chemo or surgery becuase he thinks he's too old for that kind of bullshit, plus he has heard all my speeches about how cancer is the perfect excuse to live fast and dangerously. also he's always loved arnold shcwarzenegger and since steroids are an easy treatment for some of the lame effects of what he has, he's gonna try them out and lift weights for a while to see if getting all buff makes him feel better.

in the mean time we will all be planning and awfully fun send off because, despite my sentimentality and serious nature, chico prefers things to be light and fun.

anyway, i told chico that he can do things his way, he can eat whatever he wants and go for walks whenever he wants. he asked me if he could poop in the house and i told him -- "yes but please don't" and he said he was just joking. he's like that . he tells me he's pretty happy about stuff.

so anyway, there is your update.

i'll try not to turn this into Dog Cancer Blog 2005

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Sorry to hear it brother - it sounds like chico could teach us a few things about dealing with personal loss. He's got a great attitude!

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

As long as he feels good and is eating, it will be ok. He is lucky to have a good understanding friend in you. My dogs send Chico and you love.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

I hate your faggot dog. Have a good day.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

next time i come over i am bringing chico a double whopper with cheese and i am going to let him sniff my parts even though he never tries to because he is a dog with very good manners.

smooooches to you both

 

Blogger ScaryCheri is a gaywad.

aw.....you should let him poop in the house....you know he's going to do it anyway...just to spite.

but then again, if you TELL him he can poop in the house you might take all the fun out of it for him.

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

Aw muffin! Yes, dogs are the best. . I had to put down a German Sheperd/ Wolf mix that we rescued due to old age. We had him 4 years. . . damn good dog.

And yeah, you can tell when they can't handle thier bodily fluids they feel bad about it.

(((Hugs for Chico)))

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

p.s Whats with the horse bashing?
It confuses me. Alot.

k bye!

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

where did you go?

 

Post a Comment

August 14, 2005

Pathetic Pathetic Pathetic

Seriously, listen to this pathetic bullshit. It's almost enough to make one want to jump into a bathtub of battery acid.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught laying in bed talking to yourself about yourself.
Your increasingly introverted extrovert,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

Gee, Merkley, can I buy you a drink?

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

the sun is shining, your dog is cute and hot groupie babes flock to your white sneakered feet. and quit the pity posts, they're boooring.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

they arent pity posts.

what? you never think like that?

i think its funny.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

The sound of your voice DOES make me want to shoot myself in the face. Nah, I think I'll shoot yours.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

What the hell are you doing? Shouldn't you be entertaining us?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan: the only honest man.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

digi,

entertainment coming. dont you worry.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

All the cool stuff happens when I leave town...why is this?

I think you should volunteer at an old folks home and read aloud to them, your voice is vvvveerrryyy soothing.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

yeah, i'm sure the old folks would looooove to hear from a dark dude like me.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

i feel that way all the time. but i never bother posting it to my website because it's even more pathetic that the shit i DO bother posting.

 

Blogger Ajax is a gaywad.

You have a pretty voice. It reminds me of Rick Moranis.

 

Post a Comment

August 13, 2005

And On the 7th Day, Jesus Made Your Nuttsack

HA! Another audio post.




Oh yeah, and why not watch what a superb fighter Butterface is.




That's all for now!
Don't get caught doing tricks with your underpants in front of grandma,
Your -- you know, you know what I'm talking about,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

This post kinda reminds of that time this morning I went to walk my dog and I caught the neighbourhood crack whore scarfing down some skanky homeless dude's genitals in my building's parking lot.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

**shudder**

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

poopee,

what a bummer. i read your comment in the middle of my breakfast.

THANKS A LOT!

ha ha -- you said "scarfing" -- "gobbling" would have also been sweet.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

my pleasure.

acutally my pleasure would be when i touch my totally sweet and not stinky jesus-given genitals.

ahem.

anyway, fuck robin williams, i think you totally look like kevin kline in your new photo.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

you know, i've heard that before, i dont see it, but kevin kline certainly does resemble some relatives of mine.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

your dog fighting reminds me of my dog fighting, only about 30 seconds into the fight my dog would be guarding her food dish

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby
you mean she quits the fight and decides to go guard it? or is that how the fight starts?

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

I love the way you say "genitals".

Makes me want to rub mine all over the church pew.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

I love his "i'm so going to tear you to shreads" growling.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

she quits the fight for a quick snack. then when i get bored and walk away, she chases me and throws her teeth at my foot.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

it was Butterface I heard in the woods this weekend, I thought it was a raccoon...vicious!

 

Anonymous Yana is a gaywad.

Butterface and I go waaay back.

 

Post a Comment

August 12, 2005

Guess How Lazy I Am.

I'm soooo lazy, that I'm not even going to write a new post, Instead I'm just posting an audio post of me reading my last post because you all hated it so much. See what you get? Now scroll down to hear a monotonous slow interperetation of my own god damned poop. The audio post is in the original post.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught,,,ugh, i'm too lazy too think of anything clever.
Your --- um --- ah fuck it,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

thanks for the audio post.

I'm totally crushing on you Merkley???

Mostly because of the way you said vaaaaaaaagiiiiiiinanaaaaaaahhhhh....

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Poopee,

totally, that always gets the ladies revved up.

here, listen to this -- shhhh -- listen

peeeeennnnniiiiisssssss.

huh? huh? yeah -- that's what i'm talkin' bout.

 

Blogger nali is a gaywad.

Dude. That was funny but you cheated.
Only 12 "don't get caught"s when you wrote 13!!!!!
Not like I counted or anything.
I mean I wasn't really listening to you AawwwwDEEEEEOOO post.
It's not like I'm interested and shit.
I'm just bored.
Now don't get all fucking conceited and shit and think I like you.
I DON'T LIEKELKEIKLEK E you.
That would be gay.

 

Blogger nali is a gaywad.

nali is lani.
blogger is lame.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lani,

i was just seeing if you were paying attention. and you were. your prize is a punch in the arm. i'll give it to you next time i see you.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

hearing you read it is like hearing it for the first time. I understood the small nuances more better.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

i wish i enjoyed hearing them more, i'd do aoudio post for all my blind, illiterate and retarded friends more often.

 

Post a Comment

August 11, 2005

13 Reasons Why I Like to Make Lists of 13 Things

Hey KIDS! Tired? Wanna fall asleep? Listen to me read this post!



1. Because it's easy. Fuck MAURY POVICH!

2. Because my birthday is on the 13th. (Michael Jackson was let out of prison on my birthday)

3. Because I killed someone on accident once. Just kidding, it was on purpose. Just kidding, accident. GEEZ-- Shut up. NOSEY! So what -- it was a gerbil. Same diff. 13!!

4. Because I'm lazy. I hate Sean Penn x 13.

5. Because you can't stop me. Farts stink. I hate them. I only like to talk about them. THAT'S ALL. 1+3? 4. +9? you got it, 13. weeeeiirduh.

6. Because I have 13 testicles. One of them is in my forehead. Four of them are in the freezer.

7. Because because because because becaaaaaaaahhhhhuse!... Because of the wonderful things he does, bloopiddy bloopiddy bloop dee boop.

8. Because Snow White and the 13 puny bastard rapists is my favorite movie.

9. Because, I know sometimes you get really really sad and upset when there isn't anything new on my little website when you come here, and although I like to make you sad, I'd rather it be for something I DID rather than something I DIDN'T do. -- For example. You're ugly. See? Now I feel great and you feel like crap. Awesome.

10. Because the Jackson 13 is my favorite negro musical act. (fuck Montel Williams)

11. Because If you punch yourself in the lip 13 times you look like FATTY LIPPY LIP McPUDWACKER!

12. Because there are 13 comandments.
11. Thou shalt not faggotize the globe.
12. Thou shalt not watch ice skating.
13. Thou shalt not be anything but white. WHITE POWER!
13. Because when I was little, I was raped 13 times by my 13 next door neighbors, I got 13 cancers 13 times. I have 13 brains, 13 toes, 13 fingers, every time I poop there are 13 individual malt balls that form the number 13 in the toilet which I flush 13 times. My left nipple is a 3 and my right nipple is a one. I can fit 13 grapefruits in my vagina.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught, don't get caught!
Your Numerologist to The Fags,
merkley?????????????

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Have you seen that movie with the homewrecker Brad Pittstain? 13 Monkeys? It might be right up your 13 butt alleys.

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

Hey my birthday is on the 13th too!!! What a coincidence! We should get together and lick each other's balls.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Wrong, Wendy! It was Th1t33n Deadly Sins. That's the one where Bobby Darin cuts off Gwenyth Paltrow's balls.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

My birthday is on the 3rd.

My 3 doesn't have a 1 in front of it because I shoved the 1 up all 13 of your assholes!!!

Horray for 3!

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

No Dashiell, It's "Se7en" and "13 Monkeys", Brad was in both...don't make me kick all thirteen of your asses!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

yeah 13 monkeys, i saw it. pfft -- pitt as a tard -- right, why didn't they cast crispin glover. pitt was LAME, and also, like i'm supposed to believe that bruce willis is a "reluctant" hero.

that movie is example numero uno of why casting hollywood stars instead of actors appropriate for roles is a dumbfuck idea,

BAD BAD CASTING.

the movie could have been good.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

snake,

lick balls? ummmm, personally i'm better at squeezing and rupturing, my tongue is made out of sandpaper and nails.

whatever though -- your balls are steel right?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,

i think you're right.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,

annette funicello is on tv right now.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

i think you are right.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

11

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

12

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

13... Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

SATAN WINS AGAIN!!

THE 13TH COMMENT ON THE 13 POST!

YOUR PRIZE IS A BIG GOOSE EGG ON THE FOREHEAD ADMINISTERED BY A HORSE AND AN EXPENSIVE PLEXIGLASS DOOR!! CONGRATULATIONS SATAN!!

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

Let's say, theoretically, I was born something other than white. Is there any way I could atone for that particular sin?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Digicat,

ABSOLUTELY! you are in luck. all you have to do is help white people make minorities feel bad about themselves and then you're like an honorary WHITE!

The goodness of the lord surely knows no bounds. (he's gay so he's kinda bitchy)

also, sending me much needed donations to spread the good word about how EVERYONE can overcome their non-whiteness.

minimum donation of $6.66.

GOOD LUCK!

make check payable to : merkley??? c/o Whitey -- general delivery SF CA 94117

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

You can only fit 13 grapefruits in the loose vj of yours? Rookie.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

13 grapefruits in addition to GARY COLEMAN!BITCH!

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

Number 9 makes it all clear :)

 

Post a Comment

August 10, 2005

13 Things to Say to a Gay Fucking Salad

Faggot Salads have been around for a long time, and to be sure, not all salads are gay, but yuppies, vegans and over zealous millenial salad competition mean that salad faggotry is on the rise. If you encounter a homo salad, here are a a few ideas of what you might want to say. Consider it a duty. I'm not joking. This is serious.

1. Way to go Orange Slices! Now get the fuck outta here.

2. Hey Walnuts, Fuck off!

3. Whoa, good idea leaving out the Cheese. Now get in the trash IMMEDIATELY!

4. Oh yeah, you're right, Ranch dressing is definitely for the lower class. This Raspberry Bird Poop Vinaigrette tastes waaaay better, especially on these Weeds. IDIOT.

5. No, don't be silly, RAISINS don't completely fuck up a perfectly good salad. You're fine. I like eating plump chewy bugs and shriveled up rodent eyeballs.

6. Huh? Wilted Spinach and Goat Cheese? Sure pile it on! I was just going to eat my own vomit. Oh boy! •••••• • •• • ••• ----- >>>>> +++ > asshole.

7. Hey, I hear ya, that Iceberg Lettuce is waaay overrated. Cool and crunchy and refreshing, pffft, what does Iceberg Lettuce think it is, ---- yummy? Your rubbery Arugula warmness is so hip and challenging! It's awesome how you cling to the roof of my mouth and are nearly impossible to swallow. FUN! Now go fuck yourself.

8. What? Shredded Carrots, Raisins and runny Coleslaw Sauce? Brown Sugar too? Sure! I'll have a whole bowl, but would you mind just cramming yourself straight up my anus? I have no tastebuds in there.

9. Oh. My. God. Are you serious? Five Bean Salad? With a Light NOOOO-Fat Vinaigrette? Sure! I HATE MYSELF! I DESERVE IT! Chop off my penis please.

10. Yeah, totally, Taco Salad is soooo not even salad, I mean what were they thinking? Salad isn't supposed to be absolutely delicious, it's supposed to taste like you peed on the weed patch in the back yard. LIKE YOU Arugula Dandelion Tosser!

11. Sure, Spinach and Arugula combined with chopped Pecans, juicy Golden Raisins (which may as well be bugs), Red Onion, Apple Slices, and Mini Shredded Wheat Cereal Biscuits with a terrible dressing featuring Sugar-Free Strawberry Preserves, aged Balsamic Vinegar, and Olive Oil sounds FABULOUS! Please be at my funeral luncheon.

12. I was totally thinking of making a dish of Carrots, Plums, and Scallions to be served as a salad. Tsimmes Salad, you traditional Jewish Salad, we have such a similar sense of humor. What? You're not joking? Where is Hitler when I need him.

13. No, Cantaloupe and Watermelon cubes added to chopped Watercress and dressed with a sweetened Vinaigrette made with Blood Orange juice and a bit of fresh, minced Ginger with toasted Pine Bark doesn't make me want to kill myself, It makes me want to KILL YOU you fucking Martha Stewart Prison Experiment!

That's all for now!
Don't get caught putting lawn clippings in a bowl and pretending you have evolved tastebuds!
Your Taco, Caesar, Chef's, Potato, Pasta, Tuna, Meat Salad Lover,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous b is a gaywad.

just an aside, but what is a taco salad? it sounds like the best salad ever

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Hey, I love the Mandarin Chicken Salad with little oranges from Wendy's...it's awesome with the Oriental Vinegrette.

 

Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

yo, fuck salad,4 real son, Its a waste of fucking space!, real men don't eat salads, thats strictly for broads with eating disorders. plus if your out on a date with a chick at a nice place the bring you bread and salad, trying to fill you up, because they think you'll be to embaraced to ask for a box for the left overs. HA, they don't know about Virgile Kent.

Keep up the good work!

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

My anscestors didn't climb to the top of the fucking food chain to eat lettuce. That's the food that food eats. Pass the Spotted Owl, please.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

I have a few things that need clarifying.
1. Since vergina's have teeth, is salad their favorite meal, or peanut m&m's?
2. When did ranch become for the lower class?
3. Hillary Duff or Lindsey Lohan?
4. Why do my balls stick?
5. If I toss salad, does that make me Winnie the Pooh?

 

Anonymous Melina is a gaywad.

plump juicy golden raisins = bugs. completely. plump. buggers.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

merkley, you are unhinged.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

b,
your inclinations are right. a taco salad IS the best salad EVER.

it's basically all the best mexican ingredients piled high in a bowl with a little lettuce added in to trick you into calling it a salad. pure genius.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

little canned mandarin oranges are awesome. just keep them way the fuck away from vegetables. i'll eat a whole can plain.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

virgile,

sounds like you are on to the whole restaurant scam.

GO VIRGE!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,

um, sorry to inform you but you, the squid, are very very low on the food chain. now cover yourself in batter and jump in this boiling oil. i'm HUNNGRY!

but -- what you said would have been awesome if you were a person.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

married,

Q: Since vergina's have teeth, is salad their favorite meal, or peanut m&m's?

A: Hot Dogs, duh.

Q: When did ranch become for the lower class?

A: Since it was delicious.

Q: Hillary Duff or Lindsey Lohan?

A: that's like asking herpes or crabs. I'll take which ever one has crabs. you can beat crabs. herpes always wins.

Q. Why do my balls stick?

A: they are not properly dusted and your hygene is terrible. and you like to stick them to digicats sticky balls,

Q: If I toss salad, does that make me Winnie the Pooh?

A: no. it makes you digicat.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

melina,

thanks for your support.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,

unhinged? hmmmn -- perhaps.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

Oh, ok. Thanks for the clarification. I couldn't remember the last time I had crabs if I ate them with potatoes or ate them with a high schooler. But you have reminded me of why I don't want herpies. I don't know if what I said made any sense at all, so I'll just finish this up by saying that if fat people make mayonaise in their fatrolls, then skinny people make salad with their taints.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

married man,

i'll take your word for it. but how do you know digicat is skinny?

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

You must have read my mind today.

Because I'm a total fag-hag, I am an easy target for deliciously gay salads. Today's was a 7 bean salad. It was so yummy that when I was done I even licked the bowl.

Oh the farting that was done. Which was mostly uncomfortable. Except for the part where I was doing it at someone else's desk. That was hilarious!

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

Taco salads are the best salads EVER. Especially if they include tortilla chips in the bowl. Ooooh or when the bowl IS a tortilla.

..uuuuuuugghhghghghghhhhhhhhhh...drool...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

poopee,

stop encouraging the 7 bean salad.

you know taco salad kicks its ass.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

All this bitterness... you got your ass kicked by a froo-froo salad once, didn't you?

 

Blogger Bridget is a gaywad.

what does a real he-man eat?
beef jerky
slim jims
french fries
is a tuna-melt gay?
LL Cool j (how do you spell it?) likes em
he is not gay
at least he hasnt been caught with a trannie hooker yet
poor ol Eddie Murphy
he's gonna be gay soon

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

No need for boiling oil, Merkley. you can eat me raw...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

digicat,

maybe.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bridgicat,

real men eat only sunflower seeds and tobacco.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,

hmmmmn.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I eat those baby oranges out of the can too.

Squid, quit playin' like you're sushi. I met sushi and you ain't no sushi!

 

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August 09, 2005

13 Things To Do With a Chopped Off Thumb

What's that ya say? Ya say ya have a chopped off thumb and ya don't know what to do with it? Well you're in luck because, here are some ideas I came up with specifically for this very situation and even more specifically for you. YES YOU. You and that very thumb on that very desk. What a co weenky deenk.

1. Stick it up your butt bloody side in and ask your oldest grandmother "Does this make you hungry -- even a little?"

2. Get The Fonz to sign it. You know he totally would. Make sure to call him Potsy then punch him in the chachi.

3. Give it to a one armed toddler to suck on. Punish the toddler when he does. Biting the toddler's singular thumb on his only arm really really hard is the perfect punishment.

4. Stick it up your butt, bloody side in and ask a local DJ "Is there a chopped off thumb coming out of my butthole? Am I handsome?"

5. Stick it up your butt, bloody side in and go hitch-hiking for fags!

6. Use the bloody side as a magic marker and write "Aaaaaaaayyyy" across your sister's boobs.

7. Name it Tom.

8. Marinate it in pee, braise it, sprinkle it with boogerdust then feed it to some snobby asshole who always loves to tell people how he went out to some expensive restaurant and "ate Braised Pee Marinated Chopped Off Thumbs Dusted With Boogerdust and it was sooooooooo deeevine." FAG!

9. Place it on top of a Chia Pet™ and water it and then laugh and laugh and laugh everytime your wrinkled up mexican maid says something about your green thumb. RAD. Then fire her.

10. Do that hilarious thing with that little deaf Korean boy where you stick your thumb out of your zipper as if it was your weeeeg, but then when he comes over to play suckfonz, just sign language to him that he can have it. Aaaaaaaaayyyyy. Make sure to throw it at him really hard. Also, pull his hair.

11. Have it surgically implanted in your ball sack just to see what happens.

12. Stick it up your butt, bloody side in and ask a one boobed chemo patient "Is there a chopped off thumb coming out of my butthole?" When she faints, crap on her bald head and light her on fire. Then nail yourself to a cross.

13. Do the right thing and give it back to that poor Korean boy so he can get it sewn back on before it gets moldy and rotten. Especially if he agrees to remove it from your butthole with his weeeg. Even then, throw it in the toilet and make him fish it out with his bloody, thumbless flipper.


That's all for now!
Don't get caught getting stuck on that "Hilarious", "Wrong", "Interchangeable" bullshit.
Your Honorable Embassador to Korea,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

I'm the first to Post! So, I will sign severed thumbs upon request. And, for the one that punches me the hardest, I may provided my own, collector's edition (1 of 2), signed thumbs!

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

All of the ideas sound great, but I don't think you put enough thought into #12...
"12. ...When she faints, crap on her bald head and light her on fire. Then nail yourself to a cross."

How the fuck can you nail yourself to a cross? No matter how hard you try, do you really think you'll be able to get the last nail in?

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Severed thumbs are nature's butt plug.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Fonzie, when you sign my thumb will you please put; With Love, Shortcake. Thanks so much, I'll mail the thumb to you.

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

You're right. Wrong and hilarious are interchangable.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

You left out one of the more important things that you can do with it.

14. chop off your weenis, sew the thumb on, and then tell your gay lover that you finally got the enlargement that he was asking about. when he sucks it, the grotessly long fingernail will slice his tounge open and he will bleed to death with a thumb in his mouth.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

inner howard,

dont do it. you need those thumbs.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,

one of the most hilarious things i have ever uttered is "nail yourself to a cross" for the exact reason you take concern.

doi!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,

put one in a condom....

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

is that what you call fonzie? or are you pretending that you are joanie?

doesnt fonzie call joanie shortcake?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

snakehead,

thanks for coming around to my point of view.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

married man,

oh you one upper.

i basically just copy your brain anyway.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Truly impressive - this has to be the most fucked up thing I've read on your blog.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,

gee thanks.

you know, when i was a kid there used to be this game that we would all play called. "what's grosser than gross" one person would say some fucked up thing like -- "eating a booger ice cream cone", then the next person's job was to say something even more gross that usually would be built upon the previous gross thing such as "eating a poop dipped booger icecream cone with a fetus chaser" then you'd be judged by a jury of your peers.

i am proud to say my record was untarnished. i can always get grosser.

although i have to say that marriedman and jodyfosterturkey baster seem like some mighty formidable opponents. oh and allison too.

what a bunch of disgusting fucks we have assembled here. it brings a snot to my nose.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

the fonz is a dyslexic jew. i wonder if he'd be able to properly sign a thumb.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gab,

what if he just put his thumb print on it instead?

that would be soooo STUPID.

but you are right. his nose is gigantic. i don't like dyslexics or jews either. you're not alone. that's for sure.

 

Anonymous gabyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is a gaywad.

thumbprint or toe print? or thumb toe print?

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

My friend Missy refers to having her period as her baby dying.

Gross? feh.

Now imagine that her dead baby looks just like a bloddy chopped off thumb stuffed up someone's turd-cutter.







*giggle*

I said turd-cutter.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gab --- y

there.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

poopee,

"turd-cutter".

terrific work.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Holy crapp'n christ with a cock sore,

I used to play that game as well, only my jury of peers were squeamish and would stop playing shortly after I had begun. That's when I started that game 'stab those fuckers in the the eye'.

None of this is actually true, I just needed an excuse to say holy crapp'n christ with a cock sore. I really think you and your friends were little perverts.

Fortunately for me, not much has changed.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

I do number 10 all the time. But I keep forgetting to pull his hair. Thanks for the reminder!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,
holy crapp'n christ with a cock sore you are right!
it is fun to say holy crapp'n christ with a cock sore.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

digicat,

no prob bro.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

you didnt answer my question, and gab is fine. the y's were a test.


i hate logging in

 

Post a Comment

August 08, 2005

13 Brand Spanking New Ways To Say "Take a Dump"

"Every time you take a dump you should announce it. And every time you should announce it in a totally new way. Then your shitcrap life will finally be super and all the people around you will hate you less. Face it. you could use the help.

Here I made up some new ones just now;

You'd stand up and say; "Pardon me you weeegs, but I need to excuse myself to..."

1. Let Gary Coleman out of my butthole.

2. Free Mumia.

3. Cook some major meatballs.

4. Feed the homeless.

5. Email Senator Brown.

6. Oompaa Loompa Poopadee Poo.

7. Pay my respects to Tupac -- I mean Poopac.

8. Deport some illegals.

9. Update my bLOG.

10. Donate major blood.

11. Bake a major potato.

12. Check on the meatloaf.

13. FREE THE MOTHERFUCKIN' SLAVES!!!


NOW YOU DO IT!

That's all for now!
Don't get caught thinking: "Hey, don't blame me that poop is brown. I'm not Jesus."
Your scatalogical fudge factory foreman,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

My old man used to work as a scatengineer at the crapper factory. He'd leave a room and say

14. Just going to bank my pay cheque.

It would have been funny except for the smell.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan

poo check?

 

Anonymous 60 Caliber Machine Gun is a gaywad.

"Send a raft to Mexico"

(Politically correct comment so as not to offend any spicks, beaners, wetbacks, chile chompers, mojados, or illegals)

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

15. Restock the stream with Brown Trout.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I'll think about this and come back with one...I have to stop laughing form #6 first. I'm totally going to use that one, totally, fer sher.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Hey wait a minute...girls dont poo. We say: "Let's stop at the next rest stop, I have to pee."

 

Anonymous b is a gaywad.

drop the kids off at the pool

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

60,

it's CUBA that needs the rafts, i'm not sure what mexico needs besides more white people.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,

brown.. ha ha!

rainbow or green would have been acceptable too.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

all i ever talk about is butts and poop now.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

b,

that's an old one. you're supposed to make up a new one.

at least you picked one of the best ones ever.

 

Anonymous b is a gaywad.

meh

i leave the creative genius to you freaks, im just here to back up w the classics occasionally

 

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August 07, 2005

The Words "Wrong" and "Hilarious" are Completely Interchangeable

Seriously.

Try it. You'll see.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Your last couple of posts were wrong and not hilarious...holy crapp, you're right!

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Oh, Get some sleep!

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

wendy is wrong. you are always hilarious.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Either I am hilarious and Merkley is always wrong or Gabbi doesn't get it.

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

You are hilariously wrong. Or wrongly hilarious. Or wrongly hilariously stupid. Or hilariously wrongly stupidly retard.

So which one?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

you are all hilarious but not wrong in the slightest. in fact you are RIGHT!

 

Anonymous Szugye is a gaywad.

Get some fuckin sleep dude!

I'm not quite sure what "interchangeable" means. Is that like some kind of shemale thing? Or--is it like COCKED CRAMMED ASS? Mmmmmmmmm...

your ever lovin mormon boy,

Szugye

www.szugye.com

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

suge,

the second one.

now go interchange yourself you stingey fuck giver.

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

Gett'n a bit catty up in hea. . .

I knew it was Audio! I have like four posts that say audio!

Where are you getting aut- Are you making fun of my tounge?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ty,

i swear you are saying AUTOblog on all three of them there posts. the way you were saying it was HILARIOUS.

see? see how the whole thing goes?

it's all in good fun over here. if somebody pokes you in the eye with a goat penis or a severed finger. just laugh and light them on fire. it's all cool.

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

I posted a pic of my tounge for you. . . LMAO!

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

hilarious and wrong, grammatically, are not interchangable, however, i have caught merkley being hilarious at least a coupel of times, especially in regards to the middle easterm situation. for specific details, please reference zine issue 12.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ty,

your tongue looks normal. but whats with the lazy eye?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i am never hilarious when talking about the middle east. thats just wrong.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

Fisting a chinese retard is hilarious.

Fisting a chinese retard is wrong.

Fisting Merkley???'s chinese retard is wronglarious.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

A bus load of Jery's Kids going past a magnet factory is wrong. The French having a tough army is hilarious. I'll be...It does work.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

I'll be back when there's something to see here!






Was that wrong of me to say that...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

married,
wronglarious?
you mean that dude from three's company?

i don't get it. i dont think that's a word dude.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,

can you hear the door of freedom slowly cracking open?

what i have done for you people is akin to what abraham lincoln did for negroes (even if what he did was totally hilarious)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,

no, it's not wrong... but i bet you wont be running through hell jumping and screaming with joy about being right for once.

sometimes it doesn't feel as good to be right as it does to be wrong?

am i wrong?

fucking hell yes i'm WRONG!!

TIMES 50!!!

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

I was wrong... I'm back but there's still nothing to see here.

BTW - You were hilarious!

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

The only time hilarious and wrong are always interchangeable are at your blog, Merkley. You are hilarious, but you're wrong.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

anon,

why so sneeky? tax problems? reveal yourself.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

Dont get pissy, Merkley.
Read it like this:

Omg, that is so hilarious!

~or~

Omg, that is so wrong!

~~~~

 

Post a Comment

Nobody Really Gives a Fuck.

That's all.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

I know. You at least gotta buy 'em dinner or a shitload of coke; so I've heard, I wouldn't know...
Not even a cheap whore. I did, however ask a prostitute "What do you charge to suck a fart out of my ass?" Apparently, 30 bucks...

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I give a fuck Merkley. And I'm also concerned. Are you a vampire? Why don't you sleep at night?

 

Anonymous Butterface is a gaywad.

I give a fuck.

Woof.

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

I just noticed the "race war" part of your comment template. Are you talking about the whitest kid?

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

You're right.
So shut the fuck up.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

snake,

no. i was talking about how all the beaners are gonna throw down with the wetbacks.

it's like a civil race war. all mexicans. should be fun. bring nachos.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,

my fuck has been duely shutted.

 

Anonymous Szugye is a gaywad.

FUCK!
FUCK!
FUCK!
FUCK!
FUCK!
FUCK!
FUCK!

There! You can have 7 FUCKS!

God be with you Sir Merkley:)

www.szugye.com (That's me)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,

we dont use words like "suck" and "fart" on this blog.

what a low class loser.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

vampire? why, you want me to suck blood oout of something?

i sleep like a fucking champ. if there was a sleeping olympics, i'd get america the gold, like one billion times over. fort knox and shit. ya feel me?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

awe suge,

that was so sweet of you. you really do give a fuck.
seven fucks even.

wait.

why only seven? it's not like they cost you anything. how hard would it have been to copy and paste a hundred fucks? how bout a thousand? you didnt even need to copy and paste, you could have just written a thousand or a billion or infinity fucks.

fucking cheap ass motherfucker. fuck off -- ALL OF YOU!!

even when fucks are free, all i get are like 9 fucks total. and 7 are from one dude. and one is from my own dog.

this sucks.

 

Anonymous Merkley's other dog is a gaywad.

No fucks from me. Bow and worship me!

Now!

Butterface is such a woosie sometimes.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

By quoting "suck" and "fart" from my post and flaming me as a loser, you yourself are falling under the same label...HaHa! But I really don't care. In fact you could say:
I DON'T GIVE A...
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
RAT'S ASS!
HaHa - You thought I was gonna say FUCK. What a fucking pathetic fucking loser would the fuck I be for fucking stooping so fucking low as to use the fuck out of that fucking word, for fuck's sake? Like I give a fuck what you think.
(Actually, I do.)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

awe chico.

on the internet.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

oh squid,

you and your 20 penises flapping about.

what can i say?

you should get a job as a car wash.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

i dont give a fuuuuck. i say it all the time. i don't. i don't give a fuck.

except for the all mexican race war. i can't wait for that shit. i'll be exempt yet totally engaged because of my half-beaner status. although my brown skin will most likely get me killed. ill have to tattoo my last name on my face so people can see from a mile away that i am a russian or as you say a pollack.

either way i got five bucks on the mexicans...no, the other mexicans.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

fbz,

i was hoping you were gonna come throw down in the race war. wendy has some mexican shit pinned to the end of her name. i actually thought it might just be just you two slapping the shit out of each other with tortillas and refried bean bats.

anyway. why don't you make it so anyone can comment on your blog? i havent been able to comment since you moved.

 

Anonymous "Chico" is a gaywad.

That's it. I'm hiding the peanut butter.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Come on Funky, let's get Gordita on this whities ass!

I haven't been able to post to your site either...we half beaners need to stick together, lemmee post.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

i am down for a mutherfucking race war. but i think i am going to go with links of chorizo as my weapon of choice. you can swing them shits around like a muther fucker.

re - blog comments. all you gotta do is enter in your name, your email address and a website if you want and then you can comment
its not closed or anything. will you try it wendy or merkley and tell me what happens when you do it.

i dont have problems.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

I just tried commenting on my blog as a random and it worked. enter a name, an email and then submit comment should work just fine.

let me know if you have issues.

??? would you mind updating my link to www.hatertuesday.com

thanks g-
funkybiznatch

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

funky,

ok -- link updated -- and i'll try your stuff.

 

Post a Comment

August 06, 2005

Oh man, This is Freaky, Get Ready to Get Totally Freaked Out. Man, Weird, I Swear I Got The Chills.

I did this game on MySpace and it claimed to be like 95% true. Being the intuitive type, I made a few minor, but very important edits and I can now guarantee that it is at LEAST 99.9% true.

So either grab a writing utensil and something to write on, or just remember your answers.

Don't peak at the answers, cause it ruins it.

Have fun.











1) Write the name of a person of the opposite
sex. (unless you're a homo, then go deal with your AIDS. You have no time for games.)






2) Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green, yellow?








3) Your first initial?










4) Your month of birth?











5) Which color do you like more, black or white?














6) Name of a person of the same sex as yours.












7) Your favorite number?










8) Do you like California or Florida more?














9) Do you like the lake or the ocean more?









10) Write down a wish. (A realistic one).


ArE YoU dONE?
iF S0 SCR0LL D0WN.
(D0N'T CHEAT... iM WATCHiNG Y0U...)
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
.........
..........
...........
..........
.........
........
.......
......
....
...
..
.
THE ANSWERS:

1. This person is completely sick and tired of your bullshit, they pretend to like you but the reality is, they have their eye on someone else and secretly hope you'll just disappear. If you have one decent bone in your body, lose their number. Or slash their throat for being such a heartless weeeg.

2. If you chose:

Red - You pour ketchup on your weeeg and it is weird. This is one of the main reasons the person that you wrote down hates you. Stop saving your scabs. I can totally see your tampon.

Black - You should Just admit that being whipped by whitey is way better than being shot in the eye in a drive by because some crackdick Crip wanted some other negro's sneakers. Slaves didn't have to worry about shoes. They didn't need them. Black people's feet are naturally sneakers.

Either that or you are goth. Poor kadaver. Johnny Depp sucks.

Green - Why you disgusting freak. You used to scrape the underside of your school desk so you could sprinkle the booger dust on your weeeeg. Blow your nose.

Blue - Nobody that isn't your sister will touch your weeeeg voluntarily. You also like to pretend that your peehole can sing like Patsy Cline and you smell like and egg sandwich. You should totally smell your finger right now. See?

Yellow- PEE. You like it. Exercise your sphincter. Your farts are leaking.


3. If your initial is:

A-K You already have cancer. Go to the doctor or drive of a cliff. Stick cigarettes in your ears and scream like a fag. I really don't care you Chemo Fucking Turtleheaded, Wheezing, Leaking, Microwave Death Turd.

L-R You have a vagina and it's broken. For the love of pastrami, use some fucking Chapstick™ on that weeeg.

S-Z Your name is Herman Davis and you have been suffering from amnesia ever since you attempted to fiddle your weeeg with an eggbeater (look at your mangled weeeg if you don't believe me). Your family stopped looking for you ten minutes after you dissappeared but you should call them anyway because frankly, your family sucks balls and they deserve to be punished with your presence.


4. If you were born in:

Jan-Mar: You like to twist your nipples with nuttcrackers that look like Gary Coleman.

April-June: You are an articulate negro and would do well in govenment.

July-Sep: You are a double amputee and you owe me 20 bucks you fucking flakey gimp. Don't make me saw off the rest of your stupid looking nubs.

Oct-Dec: You are a homo and I already told you that you shouldn't be playing this game. Your legions are leaking. Go get some gauze you fucking puss bag. Also. I have one quart of fresh frozen pygmie jizz I'll sell you for 7 bucks. It won't cure your AIDS but it's fun to put in a squirt gun and it makes a decent salad dressing.

5. If you chose...

Black: Punch yourself really hard in the weeeg until it turns black because guess what, You love that kind of shit. Freak. Your body piercings look gay. BARF.

White: You love your beautiful white brothers and sisters WHITE POWER!! You will totally go to heaven because Jesus has a boner for your type. Seriously, you are FUCKING AMAZING!! Holy shit, the glory of your superior race! Think about it. Now pat yourself on the weeeg and get back to keeping minorities poor and stupid. oh yeah, SEAL OFF THE BORDERS! Kick a mexican. Slap a chink.


6. This person saves your poop. Don't believe me? Next time you poop, watch how they go in the bathroom right after you. It's true. Brush you teeth.

7. This is how many people are talking shit about you right now. None of them are lying. Your posture stinks. Sit up straight.

8. If you chose:
California: You are from Montana and you have a parakeet named Greg. Also herpes. Wash your taint.

Florida: Nice shiny shirt homo. Stop masturbating on the tanning lotion bottle.

9. If you chose:

Lake: You wish you could hump a sack of garbage on a waterbed filled with snot.

Ocean: You wish you could hump a dead seal and fingerbang a dolphin. You wish your name was Carl Horowitz. Seriously though, they have treatments for that acne. Look into it.

10. This wish will come true only if you RE-POST THIS BULLETIN
in one hour and you give a newborn baby a hickey on its weeeg.

THANKS FOR PLAYING!!

That's all for now!
Don't get caught inventing the awesome new word weeeeg!
Your amazing psychic wonderman,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

This test was hard. I'm too tired and my weeeg hurts. And, since when do you post on a Saturday? What the hell is going on? I'm totally freaked out, this is weird.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

I told you wendy.
I feel sorry for anyone who ends up reading the whole thing because what that really means is that their life is empty and meaningless and the only thing there is to do is read stupid crap on the internet until their early demise.

crap. what if somebody dies right after reading that?

ha ha -- that would be awesome.

poor frowny dead person.

 

Blogger pisscock mcgee is a gaywad.

Dear Bug Dick-

There are a few things you've got that I'll never have, but a massive hatred for anyone with dark skin is not one of them. I've got that in spades (HA! that joke was an accident!). You can still find a girl that has two butt holes unusual. I wish I could have read the entire post, but I'm an AIDS homo and you culled me and my kind from the ranks early in the game. A street nigger spat blood at me and some of it went in my mouth.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

peehole,

boy i'l tell ya, if i had a dime for every time some colored fella with aids spat blood in my mouth, i'd be driving a 89 ford taurus.

when i see one approaching, i just pull out my can of gas and light myself on fire.

fucking dumb minorities.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

funny as always. myspace bulletins are for gaywads. You forgot the "If you don't repost this..... die of aids / never get laid again / gods smite you" bullshit.

the smoke

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

I am speechless. And that doesn't happen often. You nailed me like Kelly Clarkson nailed my gerbal in the fifth grade. I can't even begin to describe the joy and the sorrow I felt after taking this test. I might make up one of my own. What are your thoughts?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

married man,

i know.see? thats some voo doo shit.

of course you should make one. you should make one billion.

you should also remember that while twirling a dead pigeon on your penis may constitute a perfectly good rotisserie to the likes of you and me, there are others who don't eat pigeon.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

anonymous,

don't be anonymous. scrape all that poop of yourself and smile.

 

Post a Comment

August 05, 2005

13 Things to Tell Other People's Children.

1. If you hug your grandma really hard, ice cream will come out of her boobs.

2. (Pointing at their family pet) We're gonna eat that on your 7th birthday.

3. The magic word is please but the OTHER secret magic word you SHOULD say, is cunnilingus.

4. If you poke a Chinese person with a pin, their skin explodes and flies off because it's way too small.

5. If you call this number your parents will have to do whatever you say. (hand them the child abuse hotline number)

6. If you put a booger in a fish tank, it turns into a frog.

7. A penny will get really hot and melt if you hold it in your butt crack.

8. If you fart on a cat, it will like you the best.

9. Urinal pellets explode if you throw them in the sky.

10. You're adopted. Your real parents moved because you cry too much.

11. Black people are black so you won't see them hiding under your bed. (then sneak them a pamphlet about cannibalism)

12. DO NOT TOUCH BALD PEOPLE!! Unless you want to be bald too.

13. (pointing at the hot water heater) That's where all your poop goes and gets turned into taco meat.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught farting on the cat!
Your favorite uncle,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous Heather MacLeather is a gaywad.

HA HA HA HA HA! kids are so dum, they'll believe anything. ha ha ha ha!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

heather
dumb=fun.

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

My parents told me #11... no shit. Except without the pamphlet.

They always fucked with me though... little things.. like about the guy in the sewers that smokes a big cigar and that's why you see smoke (steam) coming out of manholes... Waiting until I'm mostly asleep and, in the middle of the night, walking back and forth outside my bedroom window mumbling to each other... Pretending accidentally cutting off a hand while chopping vegetables... etc.

It got to the point where my mom was in a car accident, she didn't get home until 9 at night (I was a latch key kid and around 11 at the time)... when she came home she had stitches on her chin and blood all over her white skirt and I started laughing saying, "Good one. You actually had me worried there." I think they figured out how they warped me at that time and stopped screwing around with my head.

Then they decided to divorce... Personally, I think the whole thing was staged.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

well inner joanie,

you seem to be a fine example of why it is GOOD to fuck with the minds of unsuspecting booger eaters.

i mean, despite your overall homoness and penchant to save your own farts in ziploc bags, you turned out alright -- dont you think?

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

Did your mother drop you on your head when you're a little kid?

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

Yeah, I done ok ;)

However, I don't save my farts in a ziploc... true homos use Tupperware.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

I used to work in a pet store. One day a lady and her snot factory came in. After asking the lady if she needed any help, I returned to my "other duties as assigned". I heard one of the store cats making a horrible noise. I walked around the shelving unit to see the little brat holding the cat in the air by it's tail, bouncing it's head off the floor. I lost it and leaned in over the kid and in my best Satanic voice said, "That is not how you play with a cat. If you ever touch another cat again, I'll KILL YOU!"
The cat ran off and the kid started crying. The mom ran over and screamed at me, "What did you do?"
I informed her that her child was behaving badly to our cat and I asked him to stop it. The lady turned bright red with anger and said, "Well, I never!" To which I replied, "Maybe you should have. Then the little bastard wouldn't be abusing my cat!"
True story

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Hey, I used to work ar a pet store too..weird coincidences today huh?

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

oh, and #2 is my favorite...what a horrible thing to eat a pet.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

snakebutt,

i don't have a mother. i was pooped out of a gay dude.

don't you remember?

you never listen to me.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,

good one except you didn't stick a goldfish up that brats butt.

you should have at least threatened.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

why don't you and squid just make out already.

send pics.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

There are laws against sodomizing little kids with goldfish. Besides, we didn't actually sell animals, we just sold pet supplies. Even then, we really didn't "sell" anything and the store went out of business 2 months after I "left there". Thanks for asking.

 

Blogger ScaryCheri is a gaywad.

My dad once told my 5 year old cousin that bad little boys loose thair hair....while pointing to his own bald head and explaining how he was bad when he was a little boy.

That night the kid had nightmares and was talking in his sleep "I'm a good boy...I don't want to loose my hair!"

He also told my kid that the dog hair is the garage was his lost hair....for several years if you asked my kid what happened to grandpa's hair she would tell you it was just in the garage.

 

Blogger Digitalicat is a gaywad.

Where can I get some of those cannibalism pamphlets? My county health department is all out of them.

(PS - I changed my URL. Be a pal and update my link? http://tossedmysalad.blogspot.com)

 

Anonymous Szugye is a gaywad.

Szugye believes in his butt.

12: Remember when you shaved the word “bald” on top of my cute little head? We were laughing so hard about how ridicoulous it looked. And then we thought it would be fun to walk around the mall in Orem, showing off my retarded looking new hair style. That was a little bit embarrassing—since I was like 30 years old at the time—I even think that the Merk was somewhat embarrassed too. Hey, you can’t say that Szugye doesn’t have a lot of intestinal fortitude. YOU JUST CAN’T. So, don’t say it. I’m serious. STOP!

I think of myself as a child. So, I would probably believe all of the 13 things listed. That’s kind of sad—or maybe not.

Better artwork than Merkley’s: www.Szugye.com

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,

laws schmlaws

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

scary,

my grandpa had false teeth and he would push them out of his mouth to make us laugh.

he told us all we had to do was practice.

i practiced like hell. it never worked.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

digipuss,

pamphlets. hmm, i think i have a few left from the kkk luncheon.

link changed. what a fruit.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

szugye,

yes i remember. at least i did it. you however refused to be seen with me while i was wearing that mechanics winter jumpsuit made for a 7 foot 400 lb man.

i still wear that when it gets cold.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

scary,

oh yeah, also --

my grandpa is dead. i keep his false teeth on my fireplace mantle.

 

Anonymous Szugye is a gaywad.

You're right this time. I actually have "nothing better to do."

I forgot about that fucking jumpsuit. LMFAO! We came up with the idea that the homeless could have a jumpsuit like yours, and that they could live in those “new” green garbage cans that they came out with in the early 1990's. We were like the Jimmy and Billy Carter in those days. I wonder who was Billy?

That said...It's August 6, 2005 and I have to get off the computer to go watch "All in the Family."

ART: http://www.threequestionmarks.com
http://www.szugye.com
http://www.jerryfoster.com

Enjoy the art folks. It could be gone tomorrow. It could. I’m serious. But you never know. You just never fuckin know.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

i KNEW boogers didnt turn into frogs.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

suge.

now i HATE homeless people. ha ha!

HATE IS AWESOME!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

GABY,

uh -- hello --- boogers DO turn into frogs,

what a retard.

 

Post a Comment

August 04, 2005

Bugs Bunny

Last night I had a dream that I was feeding carrots to a vergina that had teeth. It was all:

"MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH"

and I was all:

"Everyone who likes carrots raise their hand."

But you see, verginas do not have hands, they only have teeth. So I was the only one raising my hand.

Crap, now I have that stupid Alaniss Morissette song in my head where she has one hand up her hole and the other one is playing foos ball.

HA HA assholes! Now you have it in your gay heads too.

Now here's a picture I took a few days ago of my friend Yana and my other friend Butterface.



Oh yeah, one more thing, if you want lots of people to smile at you and try to meet you, just walk down the street in a nice suit and munch on a big carrot. I found that out on accident.


That's all for now!
Don't get caught pretending your daydreams were actually night time dreams to make it seem like you don't sit around daydreaming of carrot munching verginas!
Your number one salad shooter,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i just thought of that whole scenario again but this time it had ranch dressing in it too.

i wonder if anyone has ever put ranch dressing on a hoo haa.

ladies? any volunteers?

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

They say ranch dressing is great on anything, but I'm just a dumb foreigner who enjoys brussell sprouts and lava.

The photo, is it staged or spontaneous?? You know they say that blue and green should never be seen without a colour inbetween.

I particularly like it when the colour inbetween is dog.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan

the photo was somewhat spontaneous, i mean i was taking pictures of yana and butterface just hopped in.

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

1st of all, it's vagina. Vergina is a town in Greece.

2nd of all, vaginas don't eat. They swallow.

3rd of all, vaginas are nasty.

4th of all, penises rock!!!!!

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

On an episode of ER a patient punctured his rectum with a carrot. The intern was all "How'd they swallow a carrot?" Dr. Carter was all "WTF? Idiot..."
The carrot symbolizes the longing for finding the ever ellusive squabbit...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan, squid -- snake head -- my blog is infested with slimy things.

figures.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

snakey

have you tried a vergina with RANCH?

see -- that's why you're a homo. you forgot to use ranch.

anyway, you should try it the next time you're tossing marriedman's salad.

he has a vergina right?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,

did you get any bones yet?

 

Blogger bardot is a gaywad.

ok ew, ranch in verginas??? that can cause serious gross yeast thingys, and then the vergina won't be any good to eat anymore.

heh heh.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bardot,

way to pee on my parade.

you're just making snakehead gayer you know.

 

Blogger FluffyBunnyCakes is a gaywad.

Would you prefer it if I posted like this??

~Satan

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

aw satan,

you remembered.

we were so young and full of love. what happened to us?

lets get back together.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

This post totally made me think of that Killer Condom movie.

Ah those kooky Germans.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

poopee schmoopee

awesome name.

what killer condom movie?

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

as for the ranch dressing in my hoo-hoo...i can't say it's ever happened. that i know of. but i guess it could happen...if my lover were to munch on me and a salad simultaneously.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

holy crap. you've never seen the killer condom???

it's so bad that it's fucking AWESOME.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

This wasn't funny. "Alanis" and it's "one hand in my pocket and the other slapping a cigarette."


Quit being such a know-it-all.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

Funnier with ranch dressing--though perhaps thousand island could be entertaining too.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,

i dont want to have to tell you this again.

everything i write is absolutely hilarious. if you dont think so it is due to a defect in your own head. that's right. you are defective.

so get with the program and laugh until you want to kill yourself -- or just stab yourself in the eye.

those are your options.

i'm still waiting for issue 19 of my fan-zine you publish.

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

Very nice pic merkley... serious talent. With that angle, if the colors were more vibrant and the whites washed out it would remind me a bit of Lee Higgs... but it's yours :)

But then you'd need the blue next to the green.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

fonz,

hmmn lee higgs. sounds like a homo.

i'm glad you liked it.

aaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy.

 

Blogger drunkbh is a gaywad.

I'm just curious how big the vergina was.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

drunkbh

normal sized.

thanks for askin.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Man, ya show up late for these gigs ya have a lot of catching up to do.

Alanis crap, I got one hand in my pocket and the other is making a peace sign. Was she perverted like Merkley...would she go down on a salad vagina, would he have a carrot baby? Cause I'm here to remind you that ranch dressing in a hoohoo is messy...you, you, you oughta know!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gee wendy,

that sounded exactly like her.

don't sing on my blog.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

I get a boner and then bone...
Does that count?

Thanks for your concern.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

butterface is so freaking photogenic...i mean yana is as well but look at butterface...she's a star.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

Last night I had a dream about fisting Luke Perry's anus while munching on his mother's vagina. When asked the question, Luke raised his hand, so I shot him. weird huh?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,

it counts. and you are delicious deep fried.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lyds,

yeah, thing is, butterface doesn't even know she's hott.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

married,

no way. i always have that dream.

 

Anonymous sarah is a gaywad.

Butterface is so cute that I could eat her up, with or without ranch dressing.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

sarah,

i plan on eating butterface soon. but def w/ranch.

 

Blogger ~Cheryl is a gaywad.

merkley???, I liked this photo so much that I looked at your other photos and I want to know why NONE OF YOUR FRIENDS HAVE PORES!! I have friends and they ALL have pores, and I want to trade them in for friends who don't have pores big enough to EAT CARROTS.

 

Post a Comment

August 02, 2005

Fucking "Inner Fonzie" Made Me Do This Dumb Internet Questionnaire, He's Lucky His Name Has The Word Fonzie In It.

This is one of those AWESOME questionnaires where somebody writes a bunch of AWESOME questions and the idea is to make up funny snarky AWESOME answers to show how witty and AWESOME you are. I already know I'm AWESOME but I'm doing it anyway because I feel sorry for all of you assholes for not getting to read any of my brilliant humor for the last week.

This is gunna be AWESOME!

1. If you were a celebrity, what kind would it be (movies, TV, literature, crime, etc)?

If? psssffffwwwwppplplplplplpht -- how about -- AM. But if I WASN'T a celebrity, I'd be the kind who has the world record for most hot needles crammed sideways into his rectum -- only it would be a private world record that only I knew about otherwise I'd be a celebrity all over again and my sideways hot needle cramming days would take on a whole new dimension... A dimension I'm not sure I'd like.

Will Smith sucks balls.

2. Which other celebrities would you make a concerted effort to try and be around?

Again, I'm ALWAYS around celebrities, but if I wasn't I'd want to be around the non-celebrities with good solid names like Bob, Al, George, Lisa, Vaginaface, and Steve. I can't stand names that sound all unique like Becky or Lisa or Socks.

Basically, I'd hang out with paper and shredded lettuce... If I WASN'T a celebrity.

Alex Trebek is a shithead.


3. Which other celebrities would you avoid like the plague?

Any motherfucker who HAD the plague. I'd avoid that mother fucking disease-o like the plague. Know whut I'm sayin'? Ya feel me?

Ha HA HA -- I fuckin tricked all yalls bitches, while you were sitting there "FEELIN ME", little did you know that I am the type of celebrity that in fact HAS the plague, and plague is transferred through FEELIN' --- and THAT'S what you get for acting BLACK!

Heyyy -- the BLACK plague.

I'm awesome.

Rock Hudson died of AIDS, what a HOMO.


4. Which celebrities would you date?

If by saying DATE you mean that I could walk around Hollywood with a big rubber stamp loaded with permanent tattoo ink and I could stamp an EXPIRATION date on any celebrity forehead, I suppose I would first DATE some random up and comer starlet and I'd stamp and expiration date on her forehead that was like two years ago and then I'd read it out loud to her and say "Ohps, looks like you expired even before you became a bimbo celebrity -- too bad" and then I'd ask her to hand in her plastic boobs and fake nose and tell her to go back to Iowa.

Then I'd sneak up on Christopher Walken and stick the fake boobs in his back pockets, and then I'd scream "HEY TITTY BUTT!" at the top of my lungs cause that's the type of thing I think a guy like Christopher Walken might enjoy.

Johnny Depp is a total vagina.

5. What would be your "Celebrity Cause"?

If you don't quit phrasing questions as if I'm not already a celebrity you're gonna have to find a CAUSE to remove my foot from your ass. GOT IT?

Pauly Shore was hilarious when he was the weez.

6. Since celebs always get off, what crime(s) would you commit?

I would shoot you in the face you fucking gaybob.

OJ simpson killed those yahoos on my birthday.

7. What would be the name of your tell-all book?

I ain't tellin you SHIT!

Michael Jackson got out of prison on my birthday.

8. Tag 3 people to do this poll.

Rodney Dangerfeild. (awe -- too bad. He's dead.)

Saddam Hussein.

Christy McNichols. (DYKE!)

That's all for now!!
Don't get caught putting ZERO effort into something that turns out AWESOME anyway,
Your mom,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I'm so happy! Everything made me laugh today. The title of the post, the post and Mer-maid. Thank you Inner Fonzie for making this possible...but, I'm still not doing it!

Oh, and thank you Merkley for being famous...and funny.

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

Thanks Merkley??? I *knew* you'd come through in a pinch. I was getting worried that I didn't have any friends at all... and you just proved it.

And Wendy, I know you won't do it... it would take imagination (not the kind of imagination where you keep thinking of different ways you could die) and effort (not the kind of effort where you spend 4 hours trying to think of something cool to say when responding to a blog so everyone else thinks you're cool).

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

mom?istatyou?wytefuckareyouwritinalltiscrapfromteafterlife..
Idontiveasitaboutcelebrities

fonziemakesmeot
ayyyy!

ayboob3timesfast

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

WTFFonzieasteinternet?

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Inner Fonzie, I didn't "think up ways to die", that is really how I am going to die. And, I don't spend 4 hours of effort responding to blogs to seem cool, you douche, it's more like 5 hours.

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

Wendy - What's funny Wendy is that I was only using examples, I wasn't saying that's what you. I was using the universal you. I'm sorry what I said made you defensive... or, just brought it out.

After my mom, you're the second person this week to call me a douche... I feel loved.

Allison - All I got was I make you hot... everything else hurt my head. I wish I could write like that.

 

Anonymous Alex Trebek is a gaywad.

I'm a shithead? Oh, it's on now. I'm going to make sure than at least once a week a contestant says "I'll take 'Merkley??? sucks' for two hundred."

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

i'm glad you liked it. low effort = big pay off for you. btw, be careful of inner fonzie, he has been staring at your butt for like 45 minutes and he keeps saying stuff about thanksgiving. cranberry sauce? wtf?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

inner chachi,

you are welcome fine sir.

btw, watch out for wendy, she has been touching her left butt cheek for like 45 minutes, she keeps saying stuff about an easter basket.

"find my eggs -- find my eggs"

i don't know what the fuck she is talking about but it's a little weird.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

poor allison has a broken keyboard and now everyone thinks she is a slam poet.

ha ha -- what a fruit.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

alex trebek,

fuck off you pussy, come over here and say that.

your head, my pubic hair -- same diff.

weenie.

 

Anonymous Sue is a gaywad.

Hmmm…..
I can't shake the disappointment, merkley. And the fonzie quiz isn't cuttin’ it. (Although I will become famous for co-designing western wear with Jenna Bush and we will call it “papacita” BTW)
I thought you'd come back from your celebrity studded gig and fill us in. Make us feel a part of that crazy rock n' roll hedonist shit. I wanted music, I wanted lights ..

Here's my quiz:

When life gives you lemons do you a) add vodka b) put a salilito in the middle c) use it for your weave

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

I was in a movie - Raw Courage with Ronnie Cox. I got to wear a McDonald's shirt and walk in front of the camera. My role in the movie was "extra". That's right, EXTRA. The movie needed that little bit more to put it over the top, and that little extra was ME. So Merkley, I can totally sympathize with you in your plight about celebrity status and all. I, too, had a hard time with the quiz...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

sue,

quit sneaking around. got it?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,

grow some bones in your snot-like arms or tentacles or whatever the fuck they are you fucking soggy shaving cream brush-like deal.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

I didn't read this post, but I'm commenting anyway, because I crave attention and want to feel loved.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Gee, I've been Merkley-slapped. I nearly inked myself with giddyness. Either you totally mistook my post as mocking your stardom and fame or you are just jealous of my "accomplishment". Either way, I doubt either one of us will get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame until we reach "superstar status" like Ryan Seacrest...

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

GOOOOTTT IT!! You'll miss her though.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,

no prob. thats what i do on everybodys blogs.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,

that wasnt a slap. that was good advice. bones. get'em.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

holly,

i dont get it. you're sue? why?

 

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